Calvin is off to check his tiger trap. Since Calvin baited it with a tuna fish sandwich, he's sure he'll have caught a tiger. Calvin tells his Dad that tigers will do anything for tuna fish. Hobbes, hanging by his foot in the trap, says tigers are kind of stupid that way.

Calvin asks Dad what he should do when he catches a tiger. Perturbed, Dad replies Calvin should bring it home and stuff it. Hobbes, sitting in the kitchen, tells Calvin (who's looking for more food in the refrigerator) he can't eat another bite.

Dad yells at Calvin to go to sleep and to quit making noise. Calvin blames Hobbes for jumping on the bed. Dad says Hobbes was not jumping on the bed, and that Calvin should go to sleep. Calvin tells Hobbes that he was the one jumping on the bed. Hobbes says Calvin was the one playing the cymbals.

Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to put his tiger in his locker. Calvin protests that Hobbes would suffocate. Miss Wormwood allows Calvin to put Hobbes under his seat. Calvin is relieved and promptly asks Hobbes for some math assistance.

Dad tells Calvin good night. As he's leaving, Calvin asks if he isn't going to say good night to Hobbes. Dad does so. Hobbes complains about there being no story or smooch. Calvin calls Hobbes a sissy and tells him to go to bed.

Calvin looks at his dinner plate and asks Dad what it is. Dad replies Calvin should taste it, he'll like it. Calvin thinks you know you'll hate it when they won't tell you what it is.

Calvin asks Dad to check under the bed for monsters, which he does. Then, he asks to have the dresser checked. Dad refuses. Calvin is sure that's where the monsters will be hiding, and that they'll come out when Calvin goes to sleep. Calvin decides to be proactive by arming himself with a suction dart gun and giving Hobbes a horn. The plan is to irritate the monsters by honking the horn, then shooting them. As they execute their plan, a monster comes in the door. Dad, with several suction darts sticking to him, asks Mom to come upstairs. Calvin is heard saying he was going to finish off the monster when he found his baseball bat.

Calvin asks whether there are any monsters in his room tonight. Multiple replies of "no" come from under the bed. Calvin threatens to use a flamethrower on any monster coming out. Hobbes asks whether Calvin really has a flamethrower. Calvin replies that if the monsters can lie, so can he.

Calvin asks his Mom whether he can drive the car home. Mom replies no. Calvin wonders if he could steer the car. Mom replies no. Calvin asks whether he can work the gas and brakes. Again, Mom says no. Calvin replies his Mom never lets him do anything.

Calvin is in the sandbox. He sees the bustling city with new buildings. He describes the farmer going to market. Calvin then fills up a bucket with water. He then mentions that the serene metropolis lies directly beneath the Hoover Dam.

Calvin says dinner smells like bat barf. Dad sends him to his room. Mom thinks that might be a bit harsh, but Dad holds firm. Dad says Calvin needs to learn manners. He also says Calvin won't starve. Calvin and Hobbes are seen on the telephone ordering extra pepperoni.

Mom thinks Hobbes is getting dirty. Mom suggests that Calvin and Hobbes both take a bath. Calvin excitedly starts undressing before Mom clarifies that his bath is upstairs. Calvin is jealous of Hobbes, who is in the washing machine but thinks Calvin would not enjoy it.

Miss Wormwood takes Calvin to the office to see the principal. Spaceman Spiff is captured and is being taken for torture. He knows the aliens are after the formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer. Spiff springs into action. The principal asks Miss Wormwood why Calvin is eating his hall pass.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding the wagon down the hill as Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in fate. Hobbes questions whether Calvin means our lives are predestined. Calvin confirms that he is thinking that the things they do are inevitable. As they fly into the air after flying off the end of a pier, Hobbes states that is a scary thought.

Calvin is placed into the tub for a bath. He can't believe his parents would do that to him. Suddenly, a suds monster rises from the tub and attacks Calvin. As the battle goes on, Mom yells up to Calvin to quiet down. Calvin gets the best of the suds monster and sends the fiend to his death. As Mom comments to Dad about Calvin letting the water out already, Calvin walks by naked and tells her to believe it.

Dad is informed his poll scores are low, especially with 6-year-olds. Dad will have to adopt some key planks to keep his position. Dad comments that some special interest groups are going to be in for a surprise.

Hobbes asks Calvin about the new girl in school. Calvin doesn't know her name. Hobbes wonders if she's nice. Calvin doesn't care. Hobbes asks the big question of whether Calvin likes her, which gets an emphatic NO reply.

Calvin sees the new girl coming and yells a question asking if that's Susie Derkins' face or if a possum is stuck in her collar. He then yells that she should have a debilitating brain aneurysm. Hobbes says she's cute, to which Calvin wants Hobbes to go away.

Susie asks to join Calvin eating lunch. Calvin tells Susie he has a squid eyeball sandwich. Susie doesn't believe him and tells him not to be so disgusting. Calvin replies by indicating he likes to suck out the retinas. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood, while Calvin asks whether she wants a bite of his sandwich or was just leaving.

Calvin, up in a tree house, tells Susie she can't come up and that no girls are allowed. Susie wonders why he would think she'd want to sit up in a tree anyway. Calvin thinks about that and decides she's taken all the fun out of sex discrimination.

Calvin is swinging and lets himself go. As he flies into the air, he realizes he has a problem. He calls Houston to report a negative on that orbit trajectory.

Miss Wormwood calls to Calvin about not paying attention. Spaceman Spiff shoots the atomic napalm neutralizer at the snarling cur, but to no avail. Spiff runs off to a nearby cave, where he smells something awful. Suddenly, a light comes on, and Spiff finds himself in the midst of several monsters. Calvin runs out of the teachers lounge, as they ask who that was.

Calvin is lying in bed with a thermometer in his mouth watching soap operas. He hears dialog about Mary's skimpy negligee, about the couple being married (but to other people), and a plan to murder their spouses. Calvin thinks he learns more when he stays home from school.

Calvin asks if he can set fire to his mattress. Mom replies no. He then asks if he can ride his tricycle on the roof. Mom replies no. Calvin then asks for a cookie. Again, Mom replies no. Calvin realizes she's onto him.

Mom is carrying Calvin to bed. Calvin warns that Hobbes will messily devour anyone bringing him to bed before 9:00. Mom shows that Hobbes is in the washing machine. In bed, Calvin complains that was a fine time for Hobbes to take a bath.

As Hobbes is drawing a picture, Calvin asks whether Hobbes watched the movie on TV last night. Hobbes says no. Calvin then asks whether Hobbes watched the game. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks whether Hobbes watched any TV last night. Hobbes says no. Calvin then asks what he did watch.

Calvin has a stand by the sidewalk selling insurance. Susie stops by and says what a dumb idea that is and asks why anyone would buy insurance from him. Calvin then pulls out a slingshot and fires a round at Susie.

Calvin climbs out his bedroom window on sheets bound together. He walks along in the darkness. Calvin stops at a pay phone to call Dad. Calvin states it's now three in the morning, and does Dad know where Calvin is?

Spiff is being pursued. His hyper-freem drive fails. A frap ray nearly misses. Finally, Spiff is hit. He's going down and wonders if he'll make it. As Calvin lands on the ground after coming down the slide, he kisses the sweet ground. Miss Wormwood thinks maybe Calvin should play on the swings instead.

Mom asks whether Calvin is bringing Hobbes to school again. She asks whether the kids make fun of him for doing that. Calvin replies that Tommy Chesnutt did, but no one did anymore. Mom asks what happened to Tommy. Calvin replies that Hobbes ate him. Hobbes comments that Tommy needed a bath.

Dad comes into the bedroom yelling that Calvin is making too much noise and is supposed to be asleep. Calvin replies he's hitting monsters under the bed. He's using a baseball bat. Dad shows Calvin he's mistaken by pulling Hobbes out from under the bed. Calvin says it's a good thing he occasionally missed with the bat. Hobbes agrees and asks to see the bat for a minute.

Calvin is playing with some toys. He has a sports car going 200 miles an hour. He has a cement truck coming in. Then, he has an inflammable chemical truck driving up. Calvin looks up and says this ought to be good.

Calvin is digging trenches in the yard, then building dirt berms. Mom comes out yelling at Calvin about what he's doing to the yard. Calvin replies he's making speed bumps.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying on a hill. Calvin wonders where they go when they die. They think about it awhile, and Hobbes wonders if it's Pittsburgh. Calvin wonders whether Hobbes is referring to where they go if they're good or if they're bad.

Calvin and Hobbes are wandering in the tall grass. Hobbes says they're lost again. Calvin, in his pith helmet, says that "lost" isn't in the vocabulary of brave explorers. Hobbes wonders if "mommy" is. They both cry out "mommy".

Calvin finishes building a snow fortress. As he and Hobbes are inside, Calvin rants about being invincible. That the fort is impenetrable, and that they rule and are immune to any onslaught. Calvin then looks over at Hobbes, who is grinning widely. Hobbes then smacks Calvin with a snowball.

Calvin notices there isn't a stocking over the fireplace for Hobbes. Calvin asks where Santa will put Hobbes' loot if there is no stocking. Mom assures Calvin she'll make a stocking for Hobbes. Mom looks over at Dad and asks about Hobbes' loot. Dad says not to look at him, he's done shopping.

Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Calvin asks whether Hobbes is still awake, which he is. Downstairs they go. They wait at the fireplace, and Calvin says when Santa drops his bag down, Hobbes should grab it and Calvin will close the flue.

Calvin looks at Hobbes with sad eyes and apologizes for not getting Hobbes a gift or a card. Hobbes says it's alright, as he didn't get anything for Calvin. Hobbes gives Calvin a big tiger hug for being his best friend. Calvin calls Hobbes a big sissy and tells Hobbes he is squeezing Calvin so hard tears are coming out. Hobbes tells him "Merry Christmas".

Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill as Calvin asks how long it will be till bedtime. Hobbes guesses six or seven hours and wonders why Calvin asked. As they fly off the hill, Calvin hopes his Mom will notice they're missing by then.

Calvin is hammering nails into a table. Mom runs out yelling, asking Calvin what he's doing. Calvin looks at the nails in the table and asks whether that's a trick question or something.

Susie asks Calvin whether he wants to play house. Calvin asks how you play. Susie explains that he comes home from work, then she does. Then, they argue about their jobs and about who will microwave dinner.

Calvin is sitting at the table with a bowl of oatmeal. Mom tells Calvin to eat the oatmeal, not play with it. The oatmeal jumps out of its bowl and bounces around the table. Calvin stabs at it while yelling "death to oatmeal". He chases the vile glop around. Mom comes to the kitchen and sees the mess. Mom then yells at Dad. She says it's Dad's fault they didn't have a sweet girl. It's his chromosome that was the problem. Dad watches Mom go off, sits back into his chair and says he just lives there.

Hobbes is reading a newspaper while Calvin watches TV. Hobbes reads that by age 6, children have seen a million murders on TV. Calvin finds that very disturbing. He believes he's been watching all the wrong channels.

Calvin is at the dinner table and refuses to eat the green stuff. Dad replies that it's toxic waste that will turn him into a mutant if he eats it. Calvin devours the meal. Mom says there has to be a better way to get him to eat.

Calvin comes into the living room asking Dad why he lives there with Mom instead of in an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates. Dad looks up with eyes wide open. Calvin trudges off grumbling about how you ask a simple question, and you get your television privileges revoked.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ever kissed a girl. Hobbes replies that he has kissed a few. Calvin asks what it was like. Hobbes grabs Calvin and plants a big kiss on him and says "only a lot more so". Calvin tries to clean his lips while he says he was hoping it wasn't so fuzzy.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he finds attractive in women. Hobbes replies that he has always been partial to redheads...with green eyes...and long whiskers.

Calvin, the werewolf, looks for a human sacrifice. He trudges past Dad, mouth hanging open, saying hi, and Dad replies back. Then, Dad yells for Calvin to stop drooling.

Calvin smacks Susie in the back of the head with a snowball. Susie, enraged, rolls up a huge snowball. Calvin taunts Susie about the size of the snowball and her inability to throw it. Susie walks up to Calvin, picks him up, and deposits him in the snowball.

Miss Wormwood asks the class who will be the first to do his book report. Calvin, sitting at his desk with a smile on his face, is chosen. Calvin just sits there as Miss Wormwood calls his name again. Then, Spaceman Spiff pulls his death ray blaster as the monster approaches him.

Calvin sits at his desk looking at a math problem. He answers that he cannot answer that question as it is against his religious principles. Calvin figures it's worth a shot.

Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill, and Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks happens when they die. After thinking about it, Hobbes replies they play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in heaven. Hobbes replies to call it what you like.

Calvin and Hobbes are in their treehouse, wearing paper hats and brandishing swords. They're a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep an eye out so no girls come on board. Calvin reiterates that they're a murderous bunch of pirates. Hobbes wants to know who they smooch.

Calvin and Susie are walking to school. Calvin asks what Susie is bringing to show and tell. Susie replies she has a note she wrote to her Congressman. Calvin is bringing some dead bugs he got from his windowsills. As Susie leaves, Calvin says that this way, his Mom didn't even have to pack a lunch.

Calvin and Hobbes are on a Cub Scout trip, but are hopelessly lost again. Calvin replies that he's always prepared. With his full backpack, they can stay out for weeks. As Hobbes grabs one of the dozens of comic books from the backpack, he comments that they can do that as long as they don't get hungry.

Calvin is home from school. As he enters his bedroom, Hobbes attacks him. They tussle, and Mom is forced to yell for Calvin to quit crashing around. Calvin tries to explain that he was fighting for his very survival against Hobbes' attack. Mom is more concerned with having to sew Hobbes up again, so she asks Calvin to do something quiet upstairs. Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom always takes his side. Hobbes taunts Calvin by sticking his tongue out and saying that Mom wanted another tiger, not him.

In school, Susie hands Calvin a note and asks him to pass it to Jessica. She asks he not read it, because it's a secret note. Calvin takes the note, gets a mischievous look on his face, and reads the note. It calls Calvin a stinkhead and says she told him not to read it.

Calvin fumes from being humiliated and vows Susie will be sorry if she passes another note to him. Susie then does just that. She gives Calvin another secret note for Jessica. This time, Calvin yells to Miss Wormwood that Susie is passing notes and that she should read the note to the class. Miss Wormwood reads the note telling Jessica that Calvin is a squealer. Calvin murmurs a comment to Susie about hoping she knows a good dentist.

Susie and Calvin are on their way to the principal's office as Susie stops to wonder if they'll get paddled. She believes she won't because she's a girl. Calvin wonders why that makes a difference. Susie informs him that girls have more delicate heinies.

Susie is complaining to Calvin about not wanting to get spanked. She's worried it will go on their academic transcripts. She sniffles. Then, she unleashes a threat to Calvin that he'll answer to her parents if Susie doesn't get a Master's degree.

The principal calls Susie and Calvin into his office. Susie yells that it's all Calvin's fault. Calvin yells that Susie's started it. Calvin wants to know if they're getting spanked. Susie promises to never pass notes again. They both cry and wish they were dead. The principal looks up and thinks that he hates his job.

The principal tells Susie and Calvin he wants them to pay more attention in class. Susie agrees. The principal tells them to return to their class. Susie heads off. Calvin just stands in front of the principal's desk as he repeats himself about going back to class. Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" as the Zorg draws near.

Hobbes asks Calvin what he's watching on TV. Calvin replies that the show is garbage that would insult a six-year-old. Hobbes asks why he doesn't watch something else. Calvin tells him the other shows are worse. Hobbes asks why he watches TV at all. Calvin tells him that there's nothing else to do. Hobbes indignantly tells Calvin that he could read a book, write a letter, or take a walk. He says Calvin will wish he had more memories when he's old and looks back on these years. Calvin agrees, but stays in front of the TV. Hobbes decides to join him.

Calvin points the remote control at the TV set, clicks it, and the TV goes off. Smiling, Calvin walks to the living room where Dad is sitting. Calvin points the remote control at Dad, clicks it, and says "rats" when nothing happens.

Calvin asks Mom if he can remove his floorboards and build a secret passageway. Mom says not to be ridiculous, and that he'd come through the kitchen ceiling if he tried it. Calvin walks up to his room and asks Hobbes how quietly he thinks they can nail the boards back in.

Calvin asks Dad what this disgusting slimy blob on his plate is. Dad replies that he should try it. Calvin wants to know what if he does try it and doesn't like it. Dad replies that if that happens he will build character. As Calvin peeks over his dinner plate, he comments on how Dad is always looking out for him.

Mom yells up the stairs for Calvin to get up. She goes to his bedroom door, tells Calvin it's nearly 7:30 and asks if he's ready. Calvin replies he's coming. There sits Hobbes with Calvin's shirt and cap on. Hobbes tells Calvin that he knew it wouldn't work. Calvin believes it didn't work because Hobbes didn't put on Calvin's pants.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows where babies come from. Hobbes says no. Calvin then wonders how a person would find out. Hobbes asks to see the back of Calvin's shirt. He then informs Calvin that he came from Taiwan.

Calvin comes in the door and yells a question about when lunch is to his Mom. She's busy in the kitchen. Calvin yells that he's hungry and wants to eat now. Calvin receives a map to the refrigerator.

Spaceman Spiff is going down. He fights to control his damaged spacecraft. Spiff careens through the alien canyon but ejects right before impact. Mom asks whether he's done running through the house or if he is going to fall down the steps again. Calvin thinks Spiff has regained consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.

Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks how Dad's day is going and comments on the pretty day. Calvin wonders if Dad will be bringing any presents home tonight. He just thought he'd ask. Then, Calvin tells Dad that he supposes he wonders why Calvin called. Calvin is standing on a ladder, wrench in hand, with water all over the floor.

Calvin informs Dad that his poll results took a dive. In particular, the "Overall Dad Performance" rating is especially low. The polls show Dad's drop started the day before. Dad yells that Calvin didn't get dessert the day before because he flooded the house. Calvin walks off, suggesting a new line of work for "Dad".

The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His presence terrorizes the community. His tentacle grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the air. Mom looks down at Calvin on the floor and asks if he wants something.

Calvin sees Moe coming. Moe demands the ball, calling Calvin a twinky. Calvin gives Moe the ball and says you should never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.

Calvin is in a swing as Moe comes up indicating Calvin took his favorite swing. Calvin agrees and asks Moe about that. Moe ponders that while Calvin tells us Moe's train of thought is still boarding at the station.

Calvin tells Moe he was wondering something. Calvin wonders if Moe's maladjusted antisocial tendencies were the product of his berserk pituitary gland. Moe stands there confused. Calvin says Moe is great, and that we should give him a hand.

Dad is trying to read Calvin the story of "Little Red Riding Hood". Calvin keeps changing the wolf to a tiger. As Dad gets to the part about the hunter shooting the wolf (or tiger in this story), he changes his mind. He says the tiger pounces on the hunter and Little Red Riding Hood, eating them and living happily ever after. Calvin thanks Dad for the good story as Hobbes tries to hold back tears.

Calvin is doing some math conversions dealing with bushels and pecks. He asks Hobbes what a peck is. Hobbes, of course, replies that it's a quick smooch. Calvin laments that he just doesn't math at all.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have some money to go to the movies with Hobbes. The movie title is "The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High". Not surprisingly, Mom declines and informs Calvin there are much better ways he can spend his afternoon. As he goes back to his bedroom, Hobbes asks what Mom had said. Calvin states that she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.

As they gaze into the evening sky, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes their destinies are controlled by the stars. Hobbes believes they can do whatever they want with their lives. Calvin answers "Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it".

Standing behind a snow berm, Calvin asks whether Hobbes is ready. Hobbes replies no. Calvin continues to make snowballs and yells to Hobbes to hurry up. Hobbes, standing on a lever and fulcrum with a huge snowball at the end says he's now ready.

Sledding down the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes in life after death, reincarnation. As they go zinging through the trees, Hobbes covers his eyes and tells Calvin to just steer.

Mild-mannered Calvin dashes into the hall closet, where he transforms into Captain Napalm, protector of the American Way. Although Captain Napalm has superhuman powers, he cannot open the closet door and has to yell for Mom.

Calvin is taking a bath. He worries he might drown with no one there to rescue him, so he brings Hobbes into the tub. Hobbes disguises himself with bubbles, then Calvin gets one of Dad's hats for Hobbes to wear. As Calvin goes off to get a tie to add to the disguise, Hobbes tells him to hurry because Mom is coming. As Calvin walks naked behind Dad, who's reading a book, we hear Mom yelling at Dad for taking a bath in his best hat.

Mom wakes Calvin for school. Calvin says he's not going to school anymore. Mom replies that he has to, because it's the law. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't have to go to school. Mom tells him it's because he's a tiger. Calvin asks Hobbes what being a tiger has to do with it, and Hobbes replies that tigers wreck the grade curve.

As Calvin and Hobbes pull the sled up the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether it's better to live in security or to take risks and live on the edge. As the sled is ready for the trip down the hill, Calvin and Hobbes sit on the sled. Calvin states that he believes it's best to accept danger and live to the fullest. As the sled goes down the hill, Calvin says that by Hobbes' silence, he must agree with Calvin. However, Hobbes isn't on the back of the sled after all.

Calvin sits at a desk at home making Susie Derkins a valentine. Hobbes comments on how cute Susie is. Calvin is putting lace around the heart-shaped valentine. Hobbes is sure Susie will like it. Calvin writes that he hates her, and that she should drop dead.

Calvin goes to a florist to get a valentine bouquet. The worker comments on what a sweet little boy he is. Calvin doesn't see what he's looking for. When the worker asks if he had something special in mind, Calvin replies he was hoping for a dumpster he could root through.

Susie calls Calvin a baloney brain. She yells at him for giving her a hate-mail valentine and dead flowers. She smacks him with a snowball. As she walks off, she smiles and thinks Calvin likes her because of the valentine and flowers. Calvin, buried in the snow, thinks Susie likes him because she noticed the gifts he sent.

Mom is sitting at the table when Calvin walks by dressed in his coat and hat. Puzzled, Mom goes upstairs and opens the bedroom door. There, she finds Calvin has opened the window letting snow into the room. Calvin is working on a snowman. Mom just covers her face.

Calvin asks Hobbes what it's like to be in love. Hobbes describes your heart falling into your stomach, you sweat and get woozy and that you babble like a cretin until she leaves. Calvin is surprised that is what love is. He felt that way once, but thought it was cooties.

Moe informs Calvin it will cost fifty cents to be his friend today. Calvin wonders what happens if he doesn't want to be Moe's friend today. Moe tells Calvin he'll be scraped off the wall with a spatula. Calvin wonders what's a little extortion among friends.

Calvin tells Hobbes he got the new record from Scrambled Debutante. He shows Hobbes the lyric sheet and tells Hobbes the songs glorify violence, mindless sex, and deliberate use of dangerous drugs. Hobbes is sure Mom will have conniptions if she sees the lyrics lying around. Calvin says he sure didn't buy the record for the music, as he throws the album into the trash can.

Calvin asks Mom if she will drive him to town. Mom wonders why she should drive him. She states that it's a perfect day and asks what he thinks feet are for. Calvin replies that feet are for working the gas pedal.

Miss Wormwood tells Calvin he's not paying attention again. Spaceman Spiff is trapped. He dives for the air lock. Miss Wormwood grabs his shirt as he's hanging out the school window. She tells him, "Nice try, Calvin".

Calvin returns from school and tells Mom he's home. He asks Mom if she fed Hobbes today. Mom rolls her eyes and says it must have slipped her mind. Calvin tells her she should just douse him with steak sauce before he goes into his room.

In the middle of the night, Mom and Dad awake to Calvin yelling for Mom. He yells that he's thirsty. Mom dutifully stumbles off to take care of things. She gives Calvin a cup, to which he questions if this is just water.

As Mom is driving Calvin home, the car breaks down. Mom starts yelling at the car, and Calvin encourages her to go ahead and swear. Mom gets out of the car to look under the hood. Calvin suggests she kick the car, because that works on TV. Calvin notices all the cars going by on the road and worries no one will stop. Hobbes suggests they honk the horn. They do, as Mom holds her ears in pain. Calvin and Hobbes cheer as someone stops. The man asks whether Mom wants a tow truck. Mom replies that he should call the police and report an infanticide.

Calvin asks Hobbes for some homework assistance. He asks what a pronoun is. Hobbes states it's a noun that lost its amateur status. Calvin isn't so sure, but figures he might get a point for originality.

Dad lets Calvin out of the car, but tells Calvin to leave Hobbes inside. Calvin tries to convince Dad to let Hobbes come, but Dad says no. Calvin asks for the window to be left open to give Hobbes some air. As they walk off, Hobbes asks Calvin to see if Dad will leave the keys so Hobbes can listen to the radio.

Dad informs Calvin that he and Mom have decided Calvin should have an allowance. With that, he will learn the value of money. Calvin hunches over, rubs his hands together, and rants that he's rich, can buy off anyone, and that the world is his. As Calvin continues to rant about power, prestige, and being free, Dad yells to Mom that he blew it again.

Calvin says he wants to be a radical terrorist when he grows up, Mom just mumbles. Calvin then says he's going to inhale a can of pesticide, Mom just mumbles. Calvin says he's going to watch TV all night, Mom replies "That's what you think, Buster!" Calvin notes that you can never tell if they're listening or not.

Calvin notices a movie in the paper, "Vampire Sorority Babes". Hobbes points out that you need to be eighteen to enter. Calvin indicates that's no problem. The cashier at the theatre notes this is a new one as Calvin, with Hobbes on his head wearing a long coat, orders two....he means one ticket.

Calvin thinks it's time to have a new Dad. He asks when Dad's term runs out. Dad informs Calvin that he's been appointed for life. Calvin laments about a recall vote or an impeachment. Dad says there are no provisions for either one. Calvin asks if Dad wrote that constitution himself. Dad adds that Mom helped with it, also.

Calvin asks how many monsters there are under his bed. Only one replies. Calvin and Hobbes decide they outnumber the monster and can get him with a baseball bat. As they grab the bat, the voice under the bed tells the others to quit shoving. Calvin and Hobbes yell for Mom as the monster mutters thanks to Maurice, for ruining things.

Moe threatens Calvin with tasting asphalt in fifth period. Calvin calls fifth period "Studies in Contemporary State-Sponsored Terrorism"...also known as gym class.

Mom tells Calvin they'll be out a couple hours and to be good and watch TV. Calvin and Hobbes rejoice at the news and head to the telephone to call Videorama to rent a VCR and some movies. Hobbes wants Calvin to ask for "Attack of the Coed Cannibals".

Mom and Dad come home and note the house is still standing. They figure Calvin has gone to bed. Since his light is still on, Mom enters the bedroom. A bucket of water falls down on her head. She wants to know if Calvin watched a scary movie. Huddled under his covers, he says no. But he adds that Mom shouldn't come in because the rug is rigged, also.

Calvin, with bat on shoulder, throws a baseball into the air. He takes a big swing at it and hits the ball. SMASH! Glass shatters. Calvin happily notes that it was only his first try.

Calvin is in the sandbox happily making a sand city. He declares it downtown Tokyo. He yells and stomps through the sand city. He declares it Godzilla.

Calvin wants a grenade launcher. He wonders when Christmas is. How about his birthday? Both too far away. He asks about his allowance, which he's already spent. He wonders if he has any stocks or war bonds he could sell. Mom yells that she's trying to work. Calvin asks if he can have some soap. Mom tells him to take all he wants. Calvin then sits at a table set up next to the family car which is marked, with soap on the windshield, "4 Sale Cheep".

Calvin is complaining that it's cold outside in the snow. Hobbes tells him he should get a good fur coat like he has. Calvin looks at Hobbes, then puts Hobbes over his shoulder. Calvin wonders if Hobbes ate cement for breakfast as Hobbes reminds Calvin that this wasn't his idea.

Calvin drops a quarter into the snow. He tries to find it, but Hobbes tells him he'll have to wait until the snow melts. Calvin won't have any of that, so he gets hold of a hair dryer and goes to work on the snow.

Calvin wants to show Hobbes something weird. He puts a slice of bread in the toaster and pushes the lever. The toast pops up. Hobbes wonders what happened to the bread. That's the weird thing Calvin wanted to show.

Calvin sits in the barber's chair for a haircut. Calvin orders the top shaved, the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes. Mom tells the barber to give Calvin the usual. Calvin comments the barber knows which side his bread is buttered on.

Finished, the barber gives Calvin a mirror and asks what he thinks. Calvin gushes about how great the haircut looks and is probably the best he's ever received. Calvin knows better than to criticize a guy with a razor.

Calvin comments that it's too bad the world is ending soon. Hobbes asks for clarification. Calvin tells him comets are harbingers of doom, and that Halley's Comet spells the end. Hobbes informs him that is only a superstition. Calvin realizes he better write his book report.

Hobbes is eating as Calvin and he come down the hill in the wagon. Calvin offers a beverage, which then spills out of the can. Hobbes is asked if he wants dessert as items fly out of the wagon. Calvin tells him they'll be landing soon as they fly off the edge of the hill. Crashed below, Calvin declares that the seat belt light is off and thanks Hobbes for taking Flight 240, non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Hobbes reminds himself not to take the dinner flight next time.

Calvin comes to Dad looking for reassurance that he's loved. Dad tells him yes. Calvin wonders if that would be true if he did something bad, something really, really bad. Suspicious, Dad wants to know what Calvin has done.

Calvin informs Dad his poll results are high and that Dad's political stock could reach a record high with a little push. Dad tells Calvin to go help Mom with the dishes. Calvin laments the political suicide of Dad's decision.

Calvin sees Moe coming and comments that Moe isn't smart, but is streetwise. After Moe passes, Calvin clarifies that means Moe knows which street he lives on.

Calvin stops Dad from bringing his car into the garage. Calvin says Dad needs to give him a quarter before entering. Dad asks why he should pay to put his car into his garage. Calvin informs him that if he doesn't, the garage door will be brought down onto the car. Calvin, sitting on his bed, comments that Dad is a cheapskate.

Hobbes is hanging in a tree, lowering a rope. Calvin thanks him for helping put up the tire swing. Hobbes wonders where he got such a nice tire. Dad, standing in his garage, is next to his jacked-up car with one tire missing.

Hobbes asks Calvin what he's eating. Calvin tells him it's his new favorite "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". He offers Hobbes a taste, and Hobbes chokes on the sweetness. Calvin states they're a little bland until you scoop sugar on them.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing war. Calvin is the defender of liberty, Hobbes the godless Communist oppressor. They square off and shoot each other with suction darts. They see they each have a dart stuck in them. Calvin suggests that it's kind of a stupid game.

Calvin asks to be dismissed from the dinner table. Mom wants him to finish his salmon. Calvin wants to bring the supper to his room while he studies, and Mom consents. Calvin happily gives Hobbes the salmon and asks how the homework is coming. Hobbes is having a bit of a problem with a subtraction problem, so he answers "Atlanta, Georgia".

Calvin offers to show Susie a magic trick. He asks for a quarter. Then, he says he'll disappear. Susie doesn't think it's very funny and starts pounding Calvin as he pleads that it was a trick.

Calvin finds a decoder ring in his cereal. He tells Hobbes they can now send each other messages in code. He chuckles that Mom and Dad won't be able to understand them at all....not that they do anyway.

Mom pokes her head into Calvin's room and tells him to rise and shine. As Calvin grumbles, she says the early bird gets the worm. Calvin doesn't think that's much of an incentive.

Calvin decides he and Hobbes need to look "cooler". Calvin says cool people wear sunglasses, so he pulls out a couple pair. Hobbes wonders if it's cool to bump into things. Calvin tells him not to move, just to hang around.

Calvin asks Dad if he will buy him a flamethrower. Dad tells Calvin not to be silly. Calvin fumes, then asks Dad if he'll buy it if Calvin doesn't use it in the house.

Hobbes grabs Calvin's blanket so a parachute can be made. Calvin jumps out his window, planning to float gently to the ground. Instead, he plummets to the ground and crashes. Hobbes figures Mom will have a fit about the rose bushes.

Calvin is in the doctor's office wondering what the doctor is doing. The doctor shows his tongue depressor, the stethoscope, and Calvin wonders if they will hurt him. Finally, the doctor pulls out an ear light. Calvin asks what that is, and the doctor tells him a cattle prod. Calvin keels over, while the doctor says little kids have no sense of humor.

Calvin is in the doctor's office getting his arm swabbed. He asks if the doctor is going to put a leech on it, if he's being bled, or going to amputate. As Mom is reading a magazine, Calvin yells that the shot went through his arm. He yells that he's dying and hopes the doctor's malpractice insurance is paid up. Calvin calls him a quack and yells for his Mom, as she buries her face into the magazine.

Calvin, as Safari Al, hacks through the jungle. A giant gorilla rips through the foliage and grabs Safari Al. The gorilla says "Clean your room". Calvin, in his room, looks at Mom who tells him again to clean his room because it's a jungle in there.

Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night looking for UFO's. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep watching the moon since aliens like to sneak up from behind it. Mom comes up behind them and yells for Calvin to get back into bed. Calvin says that mothers, on the other hand, sneak up behind the pachysandra patch.

Calvin, lying in bed, tells Mom he doesn't think he'll go to school today. Mom replies that she does think he'll go. Calvin reiterates that he doesn't think he'll go. Calvin, standing at the bus stop, says "Rats".

Calvin and Hobbes, lying in their sleeping bags in their tent, wish each other a good night. As we look at the tent in the moonlight, one of them asks if the other believes in ghosts. We then see both of them, wide-eyed and teeth clenched, with a baseball bat awaiting the daylight.

Calvin's lunch bag attacks him. After a titanic struggle, Calvin kills it with his thermos. He shows Susie that the lunch is bleeding jelly. Susie now realizes why the seat next to Calvin wasn't taken.

Calvin believes there is a boy in communist Russia who has only known censorship and oppression. He believes this boy may have heard of America, where you can live in a land of freedom and opportunity. Calvin would like to meet that little boy.....and tell him the awful truth. Dad tells him to be quiet and to eat his lima beans.

Calvin tells Hobbes that when he gets ready to take his bath, he puts his ducky in first. Hobbes asks if that's for companionship. Calvin informs him that it's to test for sharks.

Calvin and Hobbes go treasure hunting. Calvin has an ancient map that says where to dig. Hobbes is surprised to find a wallet full of money right where the map said. Calvin admits that it's Dad's wallet that Calvin buried last week.

Spaceman Spiff spies a Zarg. He readies his blaster. Susie turns around and warns Calvin that if he shoots her with that paper clip, she'll have him hauled to the principal's office so fast he'll think he's in a time warp. Spiff is confounded by his jammed blaster.

Mom notices Hobbes has a torn seam and gets the sewing kit to repair him. Hobbes says it's just a little cut, and that no surgery is required. Calvin tells Hobbes he's just getting a couple stitches and wonders what the big deal is. Hobbes informs him that Mom doesn't use any anesthetic.

Hobbes sits up in bed and tells Calvin he had a peculiar dream. Hobbes explains he dreamed he was fighting a ferocious weasel and wonders what it means. Calvin rolls over from the covers, and we see he's all torn up. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes it means he will be sleeping on the floor tonight and calls him a nincompoop.

Calvin poses a moral question to Hobbes. If Calvin did something bad, would he have to tell Dad about it? Hobbes questions him about how bad a thing it was. Calvin hypothetically might have done something really bad to the car. Hobbes probes about how easily the car could be fixed. Calvin figures if he could find the car, it could be fixed. Given all that, Hobbes grabs a suitcase as Calvin brushes up on his Spanish with "I am el fugitivo".

Calvin pleads to Dad that he wants to stay up late. After all, he can. Calvin says it's not fair. Dad acknowledges that life isn't fair. Calvin wants life to be unfair in his favor.

Spaceman Spiff is being chased by a scum being. He spots his hovering spaceship and heads for the ladder. As he climbs, the scum being is upon him, and he knows he's too late. Miss Wormwood has told Calvin three times that recess is over and to get inside.

Calvin, in a paper hat and standing in his treehouse, declares as dictator that he is the sole voice of government. He'll tolerate no dissent. He alone will decide the good. As he keeps proclaiming, Mom comes up and tells him it's time for bed. As she carries him to the house, he asks whether they can vote on it.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything. Hobbes wants a big, sunny field to be in. Calvin incredulously says "A stupid field!?" He tells Hobbes to think big, about riches, power, anything. Hobbes just lies down and takes a nap. Calvin looks at him and says it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.

Calvin stands on a pier with a bucket in his hand. He calls "Here fish!" and holds the bucket out. Nothing happens. Calvin figures they must know that one.

As Calvin sits on a rock with his fishing line in the water, a fish crawls up on the rock and bites Calvin in the butt. Hobbes comes by and asks if the fish are biting. Calvin tells him to drop dead.

Calvin has a cough, so Mom heads off to get cough medicine. Calvin tells he it was Hobbes coughing. Hobbes says it was not, but Calvin tells him the cough syrup tastes awful. Hobbes refuses to take the medicine. Mom comes into the room and gives it to Calvin as he loudly protests that Hobbes was coughing. Calvin gags on the medicine. He then tries to convince Hobbes it tastes real good and to try some. Hobbes isn't buying that story.

Calvin, trying to build a model airplane, can't get it to look right. He complains the directions are impossible. In a fit of anger, he smashes the model with a hammer. He then declares the airplane a victim of antiaircraft fire. Hobbes notes Calvin's planes do seem to run into those.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Tommy told a funny story at school. Hobbes wants to hear it. Hands on hips, Calvin admits the story itself wasn't very funny, but the way Tommy told it was. Tommy was drinking milk and when he laughed, it went up his nose.

Moe tells Calvin he has two periods to live. He warns him that in gym class, Calvin will be turned into hamburger casserole. As Calvin walks off, he says he hates gym class. The coach thinks violence is aerobic.

Calvin yells "Where's my jacket?". He says he's looked everywhere. He's looked under the bed, over the chair, the stairs, the floor, the kitchen. Then he finds it and complains about who put it in the closet.

Calvin waves his hands and says "Hocus-Pocus. Abracadabra!" He commands his homework to do itself. He opens his textbooks, sees the homework isn't done, and says "Rats".

Calvin and Hobbes are lying in the grass on the hill. Calvin asks if Hobbes ever thinks about the end of the world as they know it. Hobbes asks if he means nuclear war. Calvin clarifies he was referring to Mom catching him letting the air out of the car tires.

Hobbes is sitting in the wagon at the top of the hill. Calvin is standing in skates with an umbrella in his hand. He asks if Calvin thinks this will work. Calvin is sure. Down the hill they go, racing around trees, crashing over bumps, until finally they fly off the end of the pier into the lake. Calvin yells that he's flying. In the water, Hobbes asks how it was. Calvin thinks it is great, and that they should get some other kids and charge them for the ride.

Spaceman Spiff, in his spacecraft, closes in on the Zargons. He's going to teach that alien scum that virtue is its own reward. Susie asks Calvin what the capital of Poland until 1600 was. He replies "Krakow". Susie thanks him as Calvin keeps shooting at the Zargons...krakow, krakow, two direct hits.

The tyrannosaurus lumbers across the valley. He's three stories call with six-inch teeth. He comes upon a tribe of cavemen trying to flee. He devours them one by one. Calvin is roaring as he drops popcorn into his mouth. Mom yells at him to eat quietly.

Calvin asks Hobbes what a word in his book means. Hobbes looks at the word and turns frizzy with his eyes opening wide. He tells Calvin he doesn't know. Calvin yells that he does, too, know. He wants to find a dictionary.

Calvin asks to watch the "Killer Prom Queen" on TV. Mom says no. Calvin asks if he has to eat the slimy asparagus. Mom says yes. Calvin asks if he can stay up until midnight. Mom says no. Calvin decides there is an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.

Calvin wants to see what happens when popcorn is popped without a lid. First one, then several kernels go flying out of the pan. Calvin thinks that's more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave.

Mom tells Calvin they're going to the store. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes, but Mom tells him to leave Hobbes at home. Calvin yells that he wants Hobbes to come with them. We see Calvin carrying Hobbes out the door saying if you can't win with reason, go for volume.

Everyone is going out to dinner. Calvin is taking a bath, while Hobbes uses Dad's cologne, wears a tie and sport coat, looking like something out of "GQ". As they're sitting at the restaurant, with Hobbes in a chair of his own, Dad is wondering how he got talked into this. Calvin is asking the waitress for the wine list.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying on their backs on the hill. Hobbes asks if Calvin believes there is a God. Calvin thinks about it, and decides that somebody's out to get him.

Spaceman Spiff closes in on the alien vehicle. The alien is unaware of its imminent doom. Spiff readies his frap-ray blaster. Calvin has a book in his hand, standing on his desk, ready to smack Susie on the head. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood. Calvin calls for evasive action from the Gorkon death station.

Calvin lines up his tee shot. He hits the ball. He goes to see the result and notes that he got another hole-in-one. The shot has been made easier by the shovel sitting next to the enlarged hole.

Calvin pulls three new magazines out of the mailbox. He tells Hobbes that he got five more the day before. Calvin loves getting all this mail. Hobbes asks why he's getting all these magazines. Calvin explains that he went to the library and filled out all the cards that said "Bill Me Later".

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting in the chair, eating cereal, watching cartoons. Calvin comments on the classic humor and that these cartoons are what entertainment is all about. Idiots, explosives, and falling anvils.

Calvin and Hobbes are fishing. Hobbes doesn't want to put his worm on the hook. Neither does Calvin. Calvin decides to dump the worms into the water and net the fish when they come up for the worms. No fish comes, as the worms get soggy and sink. Calvin says they should go get some fast food hamburgers, which come in neat little boxes. Hobbes wonders who would want something that ate worms, anyway.

Calvin, the human insect, walks across the table. With his insect strength, he places a pea on the end of a spoon. He climbs atop the other end. Calvin launches the pea off his spoon as Dad yells at him to stop that.

Calvin, still a human insect, takes ten minutes to walk across the book's page. He slowly lifts the gigantic page. He then has a ten minute walk back across the turned page. Dad comments Calvin has been quiet for twenty minutes. Mom reminds him Calvin is doing his homework.

Calvin sees a movie he wants to watch. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin replies the listing says "Japanese cast". He reads the description of two rubbery monsters slugging it out over major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy. Calvin thinks that sounds great, while Hobbes ponders that people say foreign film is inaccessible.

Rosalyn, the baby sitter, comes to the door. Mom thanks her for coming on such short notice. She mentions they've had a difficult time finding a sitter. Mom has the notion Calvin has gotten a reputation. Rosalyn asks for half her money up front as Mom goes for her purse.

Rosalyn is lying on the sofa, talking to her boyfriend on the phone. She tells him she's baby sitting Calvin. The boyfriend wonders if she's having any problems. Rosalyn says no. She says you have to show kids who's boss. Calvin and Hobbes are in the garage. Calvin asks Hobbes how much longer it will be till Rosalyn lets them out. Hobbes says she told them 8:00, and it's almost 6:30 now.

Mom thanks Rosalyn for baby-sitting. Rosalyn says Calvin was no trouble. Dad offers to drive Rosalyn home. They say their good nights. As Dad drives home, Calvin pops out of the back seat asking if she's gone.

The baby sitter arrives as Mom and Dad are going out. Calvin declares that she isn't his Mom, so he doesn't have to pay attention to her. Calvin will do whatever he wants to, so he tells her to stay out of the way. The baby sitter shows Calvin a list of emergency phone numbers that was left. She warns him about him not wanting her to call any of those numbers. Calvin says it's 6:30, so he'll turn in. The baby sitter says for eight bucks a night, she doesn't put up with much.

Calvin and Hobbes are roasting marshmallows under the moonlight. Hobbes asks where their tent is, since the scoutmaster told them to set the tents up. Calvin replies that when he was told to pitch the tent, he threw it away.

Calvin and Hobbes are hiking along, and Calvin comments on how the best part of the hikes is seeing all the wildlife. Suddenly, he yells, "Look! A tiger!" Hobbes' eyes bulge out as he looks over his shoulder in terror. Since there was no tiger, Calvin smiles and turns around to walk away. Hobbes tells Calvin not to do that.

Calvin claims they are hopelessly lost and separated from the troop. They're left in the wild to survive by their wits unaided. One of the other scouts comes over, tells Calvin the scoutmaster wants him to pick up his stuffed tiger and get his rear in gear. As they hike along, Calvin whispers to Hobbes that they'll try to lose them again over the next hill.

Hobbes pokes his head into the tent and tells Calvin to grab the hot dogs. The troop's cooking dinner over the fire. Calvin walks back to the tent and complains that he's been carrying around a microwave for nothing.

Calvin serves the volleyball. Hobbes jumps up and spikes it down. Calvin grabs the volleyball and says they should leave. They are standing next to a tennis net, and someone is coming to use the court.

The crocodile floats on the water. It appears to be a harmless log. A hippopotamus approaches. Calvin is floating toward Dad as he stands in the pool. Closer...closer.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have a cigarette. She gives him one of grandfather's that were left there. She tells him to smoke it outside. Calvin thinks Mom is pretty cool sometimes. He lights it up, takes a puff, and starts hacking. Hobbes thinks smoking would be an easy habit to break. Mom comes out and asks if Calvin learned a lesson today. Calvin says yes, that trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.

Calvin runs into the house and yells to Mom that a big dog knocked him down and stole Hobbes. He holds her leg while saying he tried to catch him but couldn't. He's lost his best friend. Mom tells him that if he didn't carry Hobbes around everywhere, things like that wouldn't happen. Calvin says there isn't any problem you can't add guilt to and make it worse.

Calvin looks out his bedroom window at night. He can't sleep worrying about Hobbes. He sniffles and wonders what he's done to deserve this. He sticks his head out the window and yells whatever it was, he's sorry already.

Calvin writes out a flyer saying Hobbes is lost. Mom suggests he describe Hobbes. Calvin writes that he's quiet, somewhat peculiar, a good companion in a weird way. Mom tells him that she meant to write what he looks like.

Calvin is walking along a wall yelling for Hobbes. Susie asks if Calvin would like to join her tea party. Calvin angrily declines, saying he's looking for his friend who's been kidnapped by a dog. Susie sits at her tea set talking to Mr. Tiger (Hobbes) about how rude Mr. Calvin is.

Calvin decides to ask Susie to keep an eye open for Hobbes. When he goes back to tell her, he sees Hobbes at the tea set. Calvin kisses Susie's hand and thanks her profusely for finding Hobbes. Susie talks to her rabbit about what a gentleman Mr. Calvin is, but notices all the cookies are gone.

Calvin complains about the smell of dinner cooking. Mom tells him she's stewing some monkey heads, and they'll be soggy enough to eat in twenty minutes. Calvin ponders whether or not they're really monkey heads. He decides to try them. At the dinner table, Calvin is overjoyed to be eating. He wonders if he has some brains or nose on his plate. He didn't think they'd be so rubbery. Dad thought these were stuffed peppers. He refuses to eat dinner as Mom covers her face with her hand.

Calvin asks Susie if she wants to know a secret. Calvin tells her he thinks the principal is a space alien spy. He goes on to say the spy is corrupting their minds so they'll be unable to resist when his people invade earth. He asks Susie not to tell anyone. She reassures him not to worry.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he should do when Moe comes to beat him up in gym class. Hobbes offers the thing tigers do when a rhino charges, climbing up the nearest tree. Calvin laments that advice. Hobbes muses that it doesn't impress the girls, but it's better than impressing them and getting killed.

Calvin wants Hobbes to help him with Moe at school. Calvin wants Hobbes to eat Moe. Hobbes is shocked. Calvin explains that tigers eat people all the time. Hobbes questions if the cafeteria ladies will let him use the oven.

Calvin is complaining about it being too early to be in bed. Hobbes is lying next to him. Calvin goes on to say he isn't even tired, it's the stupidest thing he can imagine, and that Mom and Dad are trying to get rid of him. He says he can't sleep and asks Hobbes if he can. Hobbes angrily turns around and tells Calvin "NO!"

Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes have formed a lobby and want more privileges. Mom wonders what he's referring to, as he has it made. He has no responsibilities, no cares, no worries. What else could he want? As they walk away, Hobbes asks why he didn't ask about the credit cards in their names. Calvin dismisses it by saying Mom was in one of her moods.

Calvin happily hops out of bed saying he loves Saturdays. He gets up at six, has three bowls of crunchy sugar bombs, watches television till noon, and is incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Calvin proudly says he has no brothers or sisters so far.

Spaceman Spiff is in his spacecraft. He fires his hyper-jets and blasts into the fifth dimension. Into a world beyond human comprehension, where time has no meaning. Calvin sits at his desk in class thinking this class lasts forever.

Calvin, with a cola bottle in hand, tells Hobbes the commercials say drinking that cola increases one's sex appeal. He proceeds to gulp down the cola. Calvin launches a huge burp which has Hobbes wide-eyed and jumping in the air. Hobbes thinks that might be a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Calvin, meanwhile, says it went right up his nose.

Calvin wants the right to vote. He feels he has no representation. Hobbes asks if he's concerned with the direction the country is taking. Calvin says he just wants a bigger piece of the pie.

Calvin blows a huge bubble that pops. He has gum all over his face. He thinks he blew his face inside out.

Calvin is taking a bath and complains the water is too cold. After an adjustment, the water is too hot. After another adjustment, the water is too cold again. One more adjustment, but now it's too deep.

The fearsome shark senses distress in the water above. He circles in closer to the victim. Calvin rises up from the tub, teeth snapping, splashing water all over Mom. She comments that for someone who hates baths, he's not making things go any faster.

Dad shows Calvin a magic trick. He pulls a dime out of Calvin's ear. Calvin gives a sinister expression. Hobbes is holding Calvin upside down shaking him. Hobbes wants to know if anything has happened yet. Calvin replies nothing but a bloody nose.

Calvin comes into his parents' bedroom wishing Dad a Happy Father's Day. Calvin tells him that today, he will live by Dad's principles of fatherly wisdom. Unfortunately, it's five o'clock in the morning. Calvin reminds Dad about early to bed, early to rise. Calvin tells Dad he would have bought him a present, but a penny saved is a penny earned. Since Calvin is getting interest on the money he isn't spending, Calvin is a happier, better person from Dad's teachings. Mom grumbles "Good work, Socrates" to Dad. Dad comments that he knew they made a mistake when he saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital bassinet.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on a tree branch. Calvin comments about never having been that high in a tree before. Hobbes notes that you can see for miles. Calvin says that was quite a crash, as we see the wagon lodged into a lower branch than the one they're on.

Calvin happily notes that it's stopped raining. He tells Hobbes this is the best time for wormucking. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin explains that you walk on the pavement and muck all the worms.

Calvin and Hobbes are running through the house as Mom yells for them to stop it. Suddenly, there are sounds of crashing. Mom asks Calvin what she had just told him. Calvin replies that it beats him, wasn't she listening either?

Calvin and Hobbes are playing. Calvin shoots Hobbes and claims that he's dead. Hobbes says that Calvin missed. Calvin calls Hobbes a cheater, but Hobbes tells him that he's standing there talking to him. Calvin shoots again. Hobbes tells Calvin what a miserable shot he is.

Dad yells to Calvin to hurry up. They have a 7:00 reservation. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes along. Dad explains that Hobbes would probably eat someone at the restaurant, so he can't come along. Calvin tells Hobbes that he probably would do that. Hobbes acknowledges he can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.

Pirate Calvin yells for his crew to prepare. There is a frigate to board. He calls for the raising of the skull and crossbones. He calls for the preparation of the plank. Hobbes tells him their ship is a plank. Calvin tells Hobbes, the wise guy, that he'll walk it.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin hits the ball and runs. They throw the ball back and forth a few times as Calvin runs. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a nice double play. He asks who's out. Hobbes tells him it depends if he's on Hobbes' team or if Hobbes is on Calvin's team.

Hobbes tells Calvin not to move because a bee landed on his back. Calvin squirms around and wants Hobbes to get it off. Hobbes tells him to be still and not imagine that it crawls down his shirt and into his pants. Calvin jumps way into the air as Hobbes comments that Calvin imagined it.

Hobbes places the end of the toilet paper roll into the toilet, and Calvin tells him to flush it. As they flush it, toilet paper unrolls into the drain. Calvin and Hobbes heartily laugh. They decide to do it again. Downstairs, Mom tells Dad she doesn't want to know what Calvin's doing. Dad says he doesn't either, so off they go to check.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's had trouble choosing a new hobby. He thought about collecting bugs, then stamps. Hobbes asks what he decided on. As Calvin raises his foot, he tells Hobbes stamped bugs.

Calvin complains that everyone has cable TV or a VCR. He rants on about having to watch summer repeats. Dad comments on how cruelly mistreated Calvin is. In his room, Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad gave him a copy of "Oliver Twist" so that he could identify with it. Hobbes is upset because "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable.

Calvin tells Hobbes he has a helium balloon. Calvin is going to stand on a ladder and let the balloon take him up and away. Nothing happens. Hobbes suggests he jump off the ladder. Calvin does, and promptly plows his face into the ground. Hobbes notes the balloon has, however, flown into the sky. He says Calvin should have held on.

Calvin stands naked in the toilet. He flushes and spins around. He hops out, walks by Mom, informs her he's done with his bath. She believes that was a little too quick.

Dad is trying to concentrate on his driving. There's lots of traffic around. Calvin and Hobbes start making faces at each other, trying to get each other to laugh. As they're laughing, Dad turns around and yells at them that he told them to be quiet. Calvin says that they were having a weird face contest, but that fit's over. Dad won.

Dad pokes his head into Calvin's bedroom and wonders what all the ruckus is about. He sees feathers in the room. He asks Calvin whether he's tearing up pillows. Calvin clarifies that a herd of ducks flew in the window, molted, and left when Dad came in. After Dad leaves, Hobbes angrily notes there's no dessert for a week due to the bogus alibi. Calvin retorts that Hobbes wasn't offering any brainstorms.

Calvin boasts to Hobbes that he has a water balloon, while Hobbes doesn't. Calvin has the offensive superiority. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do about it. Hobbes thinks he'll pick up a stick and poke Calvin's water balloon. As Calvin stands soaked with water, he notes that weapons technology gets obsolete so quickly.

Calvin tells Hobbes not to move. Hobbes asks why. Calvin explains the ugliest, fuzziest caterpillar he's ever seen is about to chomp Hobbes' bottom. Hobbes yells for him to kill it. Calvin stomps on Hobbes' tail. Hobbes yells in pain. As Calvin is chased by Hobbes, Calvin tells Hobbes he has no appreciation for physical humor.

Calvin is walking by with a bucket in his hand. Hobbes asks where he's going. Calvin replies he's going to the other side of the lake. Hobbes asks what the bucket is for. Calvin tells him it's to drain the lake.

Lying under a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin that what he likes most about summer days is that they're made for doing things. They continue to lie under the tree as Hobbes says even if it's nothing. Calvin adds that it's the case especially if it's nothing.

Standing by the edge of the water, Calvin says this looks like a great place to catch a crawdad. Hobbes asks what they'll do with one if they catch it. Calvin says they won't have to worry about that. Hobbes asks Calvin if that means he doesn't know what a crawdad is, either.

The family has gone to the beach for a getaway. Calvin and Hobbes run across the sand. They yelp with pain from the hot sand. Finally, they reach the water and jump in. And right out they come, yelping with pain from the cold of the water. Then, they again yelp with pain from the hot sand as they return to the car. As Dad points to Calvin and Hobbes sitting in the car, Dad tells Mom they haven't driven an hour and a half for this.

From the back seat of the car, Calvin asks Mom and Dad when they'll be at the vacation spot. Calvin is told it's an eight-hour drive and they haven't left the state yet. They tell him to relax. Calvin looks out the window. He asks how much longer now. Mom and Dad both say "I told you we should have flown".

Still on their trip, Dad points out there is a restaurant coming up. He asks if anyone wants to stop. Calvin replies "only if they have hamburgers". Dad rails about how all they've eaten on the trip are hamburgers. He wants to eat something else for once. Calvin breaks out into singing "ten million bottles of beer on the wall". Dad gives up and tells Calvin they're stopping at a hamburger joint.

Calvin tells Dad he needs to go to the bathroom. Dad mentions they've just left the restaurant. He wants Calvin to think of something else. Calvin can only think of Niagara Falls, Hoover Dam, Noah's Ark. Suddenly, Mom decides she needs to go, as well. As Dad sits in the car at the gas station, he thinks he'll take a vacation by himself next year.

They finally arrive. Dad is rehashing the excruciating trip. Eight hours with a hyperactive six-year-old. At their lakeside campground, Dad says Calvin can run around and scream all he wants. Calvin promptly tells Dad that he's bored. Dad puts his arm around Calvin and offers to show Calvin how an anchor works.

Dad gets up in the morning to greet the sunrise. He's happy to have an early swim and a morning on the boat. By 9:00, he's back with the fish he's caught for breakfast. As he comes to the table with his cooked fish, Mom is huddled over a cup of coffee. She tells him to eat his dead animals, she wants coffee. Calvin wonders why there isn't any TV in the camp.

Calvin catches a fish and proudly shows Dad. Dad comments on what a big fish it is, and that he'll show Calvin how to clean it so they can have it for dinner. Calvin has never heard of cleaning fish, so Dad explains that you cut off its head and gut it. At the dinner table, Calvin is helping himself to another cheese sandwich. He happily comments on their being no bones in them.

Calvin and Hobbes are having a squirt gun fight in the house. They chase after one another and wrestle throughout the house. Finally, Mom tells them that if they're going to tear around do it outside. Calvin and Hobbes sit on the step, looking out into the yard.

Calvin and Hobbes are out in the canoe. Calvin sees the dim outline of a whale. Hobbes thinks it was a rock. Calvin sees a giant eel slithering up from the bottom. Hobbes thinks it was a weed. Calvin sees the mast of a Spanish galleon sunk hundreds of years ago. Hobbes says it's a branch. Calvin comments on how boring it is, and that he wishes there was a movie theater nearby.

Calvin and Hobbes decide to go fishing. Fishing is one sport Calvin really likes. Calvin is on the end of the fishing line, held up by Hobbes' pole. Calvin has a bat in his hand and is trying to hit the fish. Hobbes says he understands since it's so contemplative.

Calvin is ready to cast his fishing line. His hook has caught on the back of his pants. As he sends the line out, he goes with it. He splashes into the water. But out of the water he comes with a fish in his hands, a smile on his face.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on a log roasting wieners. The hot dogs catch fire. Calvin stomps on his hot dog, while Hobbes smacks his into the ground to put out the fires. Hobbes says he doesn't like food that's cooked outside. Calvin thinks it all tastes the same.

Calvin tells Hobbes that flowers are stupid. He comments that while the sun is shining, he can water the plants so they think it's raining. Calvin says it's fun to mess with their minds.

Calvin has mutated into a giant fly. He flies around looking for decaying flesh. He follows the unbearable stench in the air. In the kitchen, Mom tells Calvin not to be gross and to take out the trash.

Calvin drinks a magic elixir and starts to grow. He gets bigger and bigger. The giant goes on a rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace. There's panic in the streets, a town lies in ruins. Mom tells Calvin she will not buy him more toy cars, she saw him deliberately stomping on the ones he already has.

Mom calls for Calvin to come to his swimming lessons. Calvin yells that he doesn't want swimming lessons. He asks whether Hobbes is signed up. Mom tells him it's not too good to get tigers wet. Calvin asks Hobbes why that is. Hobbes replies it takes all day to dry and until then, they smell funny.

Calvin can't believe his Mom signed him up for swimming lessons. As he stands next to the pool in his trunks, he complains about freezing his buns off at 9 in the morning. He knows he'll jump in the ice water and drown. He thinks the only way things could be worse was if the class was being taught by his sadistic baby sitter. Rosalyn is standing there in her swim suit and says "Look who's here".

Rosalyn calls for everyone to get into the pool. Calvin refuses, saying he's freezing already. Rosalyn asks Calvin if he knows what a "rat tail" is. She explains what it is and says it's worse than being cold. Calvin is in the pool saying he thought lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.

Calvin complains about the cold water. He's sure he'll go into shock and drown. He thinks the lifeguard is involved in an insurance scam and is trying to drown everyone. Rosalyn announces they're going to learn the "deadman's float". Calvin screams for his Mom. Rosalyn, with her hand over her face, laments what she puts up with to pay for college.

Calvin crawls out of the pool saying he doesn't want to learn how to swim. He says he doesn't need to know how and will always stay on land. Rosalyn asks what he'll do if he falls out of a boat. Calvin puts on a huge preserver vest and says "No big deal".

Calvin gets into the car, complaining to Mom about the forty minutes of terror. He wonders why he can't have hang gliding or sharpshooting lessons, maybe driving lessons. Mom tells him he starts piano lessons Tuesday. Calvin yells.

Calvin the fly buzzes along looking for dead meat. He darts this way and that, but he flies into a spider web. The fly tries to escape the web, but it's no use. Soon, his innards will be sucked out by the spider. Hobbes is standing next to Calvin, who's tangled up in the hammock. Hobbes tells Calvin he was going to join him, but he thinks he'll forget it.

Susie Derkins comes up to Calvin and Hobbes sitting under a tree. She asks what they're doing. Calvin hustles her away by saying they're doing important secret things. Susie calls Calvin a dandelion head and decides she doesn't care what he's doing. Calvin reiterates they're having fun and doing great things. After Susie is gone, Hobbes says that he thought they were bored out of their skulls. Calvin tells him he doesn't know anything.

Calvin approaches Susie and tells her she can play with them if she wants. Susie thanks Calvin and proceeds to establish the rules of the game. She'll be the high-powered executive wife, Hobbes can be the unemployed, housekeeping husband, and Calvin can be the bratty and brainless kid in the day care center. Off Susie goes to Wall Street. Calvin reminds Hobbes this was his idea and calls Hobbes a pea brain. Hobbes scolds Calvin for talking that way to his father.

Spaceman Spiff is trying to outrun aliens. He shifts into reverse. As the aliens pass, Spiff shifts to forward and chases the aliens. The aliens turn around, so Spiff shifts back into reverse. Calvin, riding in a swing, feels he's getting sick.

Hobbes makes the pitch. Calvin hits the ball with his bat. He looks around for the ball. The ball is stuck to the bat, and Calvin accuses Hobbes of throwing a spitball.

As Calvin comes down the hill on his skates, he yells for Hobbes to tell him how to stop. Hobbes tells him to steer into a gravel driveway and fall down. Calvin skrunches to a stop. He trudges up the hill, all torn up, as Hobbes clarifies that was only a suggestion.

Calvin attacks Hobbes with a squirt gun. Hobbes strikes back by smacking Calvin with a water balloon. Calvin goes for supreme retaliation with the garden hose. He comments on how nothing can match the hose for water volume. He ponders whether Hobbes went so far as to...Hobbes comes around the corner of the fence dragging the swimming pool with him.

Calvin sees something in the dirt and says it must be a fossil. He picks up a coat hangar and wonders what peculiar animal that was. He knows it's not a bone and comments it might be a primitive hunting weapon or an eating utensil for cave men. He muses it might have a religious function. Hobbes now knows why Calvin's clothes stay on the floor.

Calvin is making a sign declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's Creek". He informs Hobbes that when you discover something, you can name it and put up a sign. Hobbes wonders what happens if you didn't really discover it. Calvin says that he did discover it because there isn't any other sign at the creek. When they arrive at the creek, there is already a sign. The sign reads "Hobs Crk", as Hobbes rolls his eyes and tries to look innocent.

Calvin asks Mom whether he and Hobbes can go play in the rain. Mom says no, he'll get soaked. Calvin asks what's so bad about that. Mom explains about catching pneumonia, running up a big hospital bill, and dying. Up in their room looking out at the rain, Calvin says he forgot that when he asks Mom something, he always gets a worst-case scenario. Hobbes mentions he didn't know those little showers were so dangerous.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to go spelunking with him. Hobbes says there aren't any caves around. Calvin says you don't need a cave, only a rock. Calvin throws a rock into a puddle. Spelunk goes the water.

Calvin asks Dad if he's off to work. Calvin tells him it's a shame that he's on summer vacation and can stay home doing whatever he wants to. He sends Dad off to join the rat race, reminding him that he and Mom are racking up lots of expenses. Calvin explains that he does that so Dad appreciates the weekends more.

Hobbes pushes Calvin down the hill in the wagon. Calvin comments on how hot it is. Hobbes agrees with him, saying he dislikes the humidity. After Calvin clarifies that Hobbes doesn't like humidity, he suggests Hobbes get out of the wagon quickly. The wagon is about two feet away from rolling into the water.

Calvin and Hobbes have a foot race. Faster and faster they go until, finally, they lie on the grass exhausted. Calvin can't believe it. There was no sonic boom, not even a "pop". Hobbes disagrees, saying he heard a pop but thinks it was his lungs.

Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. Mom tells him salmon. Calvin makes a face with his tongue stuck out. Mom tells him that one day his face will freeze like that. Calvin gets an evil grin and thinks "Wow!".

Calvin is walking around with his face twisted and tongue hanging out. Hobbes asks what's wrong with Calvin. Calvin explained that since Mom told him his face would freeze like that, he's giving it a try. As Calvin heads off making his face, Hobbes falls in behind him making his own twisted face. Hobbes says he always liked gargoyles.

Dad tells Calvin not to make faces at the dinner table. Calvin tells him about what Mom had said and indicates his face is now frozen like that. Dad tells him it isn't, but Calvin says he's now horribly disfigured for life. After Dad tells him he isn't, Calvin says he won't spoil dinner. He puts on a hooded mask and says he's like the elephant man.

Calvin and Hobbes, both making faces, come up to Susie. Calvin figures she'll be horrified at their frozen faces. They exchange pleasant greetings, then Susie asks if Calvin got his head stuck in a blender. She says it's an improvement.

Dad is preparing a cookout, and Calvin asks if the coals are hot. Dad tells him yes, that he's about ready to put on the hamburgers. Calvin asks if, before putting the burgers on, Dad can toss in a can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball. Calvin laments that he has the most boring Dad in the world.

Hobbes puts on a mask and snorkel and says with the snorkel, they can stay underwater indefinitely. Calvin reminds Hobbes of the fish they'll see. Hobbes figures they can collect shells. Sitting in their little swimming pool, Calvin tells Hobbes that so far, it's been a major disappointment.

Calvin wants Hobbes to help him test the theory of relativity. He says the faster he goes, the slower time goes. So Hobbes pushes him down the hill in the wagon. Hobbes climbs aboard and keeps the time. Faster and faster they go, but time continues. Finally, as they fly off the side of the hill, Calvin asks if time has stopped. Hobbes replies no, but that his heart has. As they lie smashed into the ground, Calvin declares Einstein a fraud. Hobbes says no, because his clock has stopped.

Hobbes has Calvin add two eggs to the mixing bowl. Calvin does. Hobbes tells Calvin the recipe will make twenty pancakes, so they'll each get ten. Calvin says that's too much trouble. He pours the batter into a frying pan and says he'll make one big pancake, and they'll each get half.

Calvin yells that he wants Dad to read him a bedtime story. Dad begs off until tomorrow. Calvin replies he won't go to bed without a story. Dad gives him a very brief story dealing with a little boy who always wanted things his way and who gets locked in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. Calvin doesn't like those stories with morals.

Mom calls Calvin to dinner. Calvin replies that he's watching television. Mom says he's not. Calvin disagrees and says he's right there in front of it. Mom yells "NO you're NOT". Calvin scampers off remembering that he is at the table.

Susie tells Calvin she saw a turtle at the creek. Calvin says he's seen hundreds of turtles, that it's no big deal. He wonders who wants to see another dumb old turtle. Shortly after, Susie catches Calvin at the creek looking for the turtle.

Calvin wants to ride in the grocery cart. Mom tells him he's too old for that. Calvin begs, so she puts him in. Calvin then tells her to run down the aisle and let go.

Calvin sails out over the water on a rope swing. Calvin does a Tarzan yell. As he lets go, he looks down at the water and hurriedly grabs the rope back. As he comes back to shore, Hobbes asks him if the water looked a little cold.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin, the quarterback, jumps, dodges and throws the ball. Hobbes, the receiver, makes the great catch and heads for a score. Calvin wants a lateral so he can score. Hobbes calls a fumble and recovers the ball. Calvin calls a penalty and sends Hobbes to the bench. Hobbes defects to the other team. They go at each other. In a heap, Calvin can see why football is such a violent game. Hobbes' team, after a one yard gain, gets smooches from the cheerleaders.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying in the grass. Hobbes sits up and looks at his belly. He looks at his side. He tells Calvin he thinks he's using too strong a sun screen.

Calvin and Hobbes are fishing. Calvin complains that fishing is the most boring sport in the world. He says they've been there twenty minutes and not one thing has happened. Hobbes thinks about it, and he pushes Calvin into the water.

Calvin and Hobbes are bickering in bed. Calvin wants Hobbes to move over. Hobbes wants Calvin to give him some covers. Dad angrily yells for them to be quiet and go to sleep. They both stop for a second. Then, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said to move over and give back the covers. Hobbes tells Calvin that isn't what Dad said, and that Calvin stole his pillow.

Calvin drinks an elixir that makes him invisible. He walks out of the house, undetected. Mom calls for Calvin. She says whenever you want something done around there, the kid's nowhere to be seen.

Since Calvin is invisible, he takes his clothes off to perpetrate any crime. He can get away with anything. Mom wonders just what he's doing in the cookie jar without his clothes on.

Calvin warns Dad about his slipping poll numbers. Dad informs him it's not an elected position, so he doesn't have to respond to polls. Calvin asks if that means Dad can rule with dictatorial impunity. Dad says yes. Calvin surmises open revolt and exile is the only hope for change. Dad doesn't like the direction the conversation is taking.

Calvin finds he's immune to the laws of gravity. He tries to hold on, but he loses his grip. Up into the sky he falls. Higher and higher he goes, until he grasps the tailfin of a passing jet. Dad wants him to continue with his story after he lands in Phoenix. Mom says she will not sew velcro on the outside of all Calvin's clothes.

Calvin says he's going to learn to ride his bicycle if it kills him. Hobbes lets go of the bike, and there's a crash. Hobbes picks the bike off Calvin and asks if it killed him. Calvin answers that the bike has decided to maim him first.

Calvin hops on his bicycle again. Hobbes tells him that people say once you've learned to ride, you never forget. Calvin believes that. After he again crashes, he says it works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.

Calvin tentatively gets back on the bike. He tells Hobbes to hold him steady. He shakily sits on the bike and congratulates himself on balancing the bicycle. Hobbes agrees that is good, then asks if he wants to try it with the kickstand up.

Calvin sneaks up to his bicycle. He reaches out for it. CRASH! The bike falls on Calvin. He cries out "It jumped me!"

Calvin sees a frog in the water and asks Hobbes to help him catch it. Hobbes doesn't want to get near it. Calvin asks why not. Hobbes informs him they drink water all day in case someone picks them up.

Calvin heads out the door of his house. He tells Mom that he's going to the drugstore to eat candy and read comic books all afternoon. Mom grabs him and says he isn't going. When asked why not, Mom tells him that she's his mother and she said so. She then has to yell to Calvin to quit goose-stepping around the house.

Calvin and Hobbes return to their tent after hearing scary campfire stories. Hobbes doesn't think he'll ever sleep again. Calvin thinks he hears something. Hobbes isn't sure, but Calvin thinks it sounded like breathing, drooling, and ripping meat off human bones. They run screaming to their tent. As they light dozens of floodlights and spotlights around their tent, Hobbes admits he's glad they carried a generator all that distance.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for pizza. Mom tells him they had pizza last night, and that it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Calvin asks if she'd rather spend the night cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks. As they sit in the pizza restaurant, Dad notices they seem to go out for pizza a lot these days. Mom comments that he's welcome to make a dish of cereal at home, if he'd prefer.

Calvin and Hobbes are in the car, pretending to drive. Calvin races along the residential streets at 90 mph. Hobbes flips on a turn signal. Calvin makes school kids dive for safety. Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after Calvin, so he downshifts. Hobbes blows the horn. Mom comes back with groceries in hand asking if she can run an errand without Calvin honking the horn across the parking lot. Calvin pleads that it wasn't him blowing the horn.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking into the evening skies with binoculars. Calvin asks if Hobbes has seen any UFO's yet. Calvin tells him to keep his eyes peeled, that they'll land sooner or later. Hobbes asks what they'll do when the aliens land. Calvin will try to sell Mom and Dad into slavery in exchange for a star cruiser.

Hobbes is curled up sleeping. Calvin approaches. When Hobbes yawns, Calvin sticks his head in Hobbes' mouth and says "Ta daa!" Hobbes is unimpressed.

Mom tells Calvin she doesn't want him up in the tree. Calvin, sitting on a branch with Hobbes, asks why not. She explains some of the branches are dead and might break. As Calvin climbs down, he comments that Mom spoils everything. As they sit on top of a ladder, Hobbes comments that it just isn't the same.

A frog is sitting on the ground. It puffs its throat up and croaks. As Calvin puffs his cheeks, Mom yells to Calvin to drink his milk in little sips.

Spaceman Spiff crashes. The atmosphere is hardly breathable. Spiff looks for life, but notices a gelatinous blob of muck coming after him. His blaster is useless. He tries to escape, but the stench envelops him. Calvin is playing with his food. Susie tells him to leave the cafeteria's tapioca alone if he doesn't like it.

Calvin laments the end of summer. He knows there is toil and drudgery ahead. Hobbes reminds him he spent half the summer vacation complaining about being bored. Thus reminded, Calvin figures he must have been delirious from having so much fun.

Calvin is complaining he has homework already. He has to write a whole paragraph about what he did over the summer. He says he'll never be able to write that much. He laments how unfair it is. With Hobbes sitting at the table, Calvin asks how it's coming. Hobbes says not so good. He needs to know what else Calvin did besides watch TV.

Calvin is explaining to Hobbes how to play soccer. He kicks the ball and says you can use any body part except hands or arms. Calvin says you can even use your head. After the ball hits, Hobbes asks if using his face doesn't hurt.

Calvin poses a hypothetical question to Hobbes. He wonders if a kid at school called him a nasty name, should he kick him in the shins? Hobbes says no, the violence would be unjustified. Calvin then asks another hypothetical question. What if he already did?

Calvin tells Mom he's going to grow a long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. Mom says to go ahead. As Calvin looks into the mirror, he says he thought Mom would have put up more of a fuss.

At the department store, Calvin asks Mom if he can get a particular pair of pants. Mom looks at it and says they're too expensive. She says he'll grow right out of them, too. She wonders why any kid needs designer clothes. Calvin replies, "Babes". Calvin has to look cool.

In bed, Calvin asks whether there are any monsters under his bed. No answer. He tells Hobbes to watch over the edge of the bed. Calvin tries fooling the monsters by saying he's getting a little plump. He says he's bigger, yet nice and lean. Hobbes looks down to the floor. Something under the bed is drooling. Calvin starts tying sheets together to go out the window.

Moe tries to extort some money from Calvin. Calvin tells Moe he's not giving him any money. In fact, he says he doesn't even have any. Moe readies a punch. Calvin suddenly remembers he has some money and flips it to Moe. Calvin comments that for a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, Moe is awfully persuasive.

Calvin tells Hobbes his plan to put Moe out of commission. The plan involves coming to school with Calvin and eating Moe when he comes to steal Calvin's money. Hobbes doesn't think he could eat him. Calvin wonders what the problem is. Hobbes replies that fat kids are high in cholesterol. Calvin cries that Hobbes can just chew him and spit him out.

Mom decides to call the school to stop Moe's extortion. Calvin tells her not to, that he'll be a goner if Moe finds out he squealed. Mom is firm that Moe can't get away with stealing, something needs to be done. Calvin gives Mom a list of what he's wearing and tells her he'll see her at the morgue.

Moe gives Calvin the quarter he "borrowed" from him the day before. Moe says someone told on him, and it will be a dark day for whoever it was if Moe finds out who. Calvin looks at his quarter. He decides he should use it to call his insurance agent.

Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks Dad if he could pick up some topsoil and grass seed on his way home. Dad agrees. Calvin walks off with a pick and shovel over his shoulder, dirt all over him. Dad sits frozen with his hand on the telephone after hanging up.

Calvin answers the ringing telephone. He tells the person he wants to order a large anchovy pizza. The person on the phone is puzzled. Calvin says they must have dialed the wrong number and hangs up. Calvin walks off saying he tries to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

The family is walking home from getting ice cream. Calvin wants Hobbes to pull him in the wagon. Hobbes refuses, since he didn't get any ice cream. Calvin complains that tigers don't like ice cream. Hobbes still refuses to pull the wagon. Calvin calls Hobbes fuzz brain and he, too, refuses to pull the wagon. They both sit there. Dad laments their walks always become rides. Mom tells him he needs the exercise anyway.

Calvin is leaning against a tree when Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's being "cool". Hobbes says he looks more like he's bored. Calvin replies that "The world bores you when you're cool".

Hobbes, wearing a sombrero, joins Calvin in being "cool". Calvin yells that cool people don't wear sombreros, that nobody wears sombreros. Hobbes trudges off wondering what the fun of being "cool" is if you can't wear a sombrero.

Hobbes is back, this time wearing Mickey Mouse pants. Hobbes knows he'll be "cool" in those pants. They have big, yellow buttons. Calvin tells Hobbes that he looks like an idiot. Hobbes thinks maybe he's new wave. Calvin still thinks Hobbes is just stupid.

Calvin sees Susie coming. He throws a pine cone at her. Suddenly, the pine cone comes whizzing back at Calvin and smacks him. Susie walks down the street carrying her lacrosse stick.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin jumps on Hobbes to tackle him. He continues to try to bring Hobbes down, without success, while Hobbes walks down the field and scores a touchdown. Calvin wants to play something else.

Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed. Three replies of no come from beneath the bed. Calvin then asks how big they would be if there were any monsters. He gets a reply saying very small and to go to sleep. Calvin yells for Mom.

Susie wants to squeeze Calvin's stuffed tiger. Calvin warns her that Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast. Susie thinks he looks cuddly. Calvin continues to explain about Hobbes' terrible mandibles of bone-crushing death. Calvin warns of mighty paws with razor-sharp claws. He concludes that Hobbes is a monster. Susie thinks Hobbes is cute and gives him a big hug. Calvin asks Hobbes what happened to the mandibles of death. He calls him a sissy furball. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, says he was beguiled by her feminine charms. He also tells Calvin to go soak his head.

Calvin, the human insect, advances the paper in the typewriter. For proper medical treatment, he needs to type a legible message to his family. He jumps from key to key. Mom wonders who typed "Help, I'm a bug" on her note to Grandma.

Calvin is in the bathtub. He goes back and forth, back and forth. He creates a tidal wave. When Mom comes in to see the flood covered with water, Calvin offers the idea that the seal around the tub leaks.

Calvin asks what music Hobbes is listening to. Hobbes replies "The 1812 Overture". Calvin says the percussion section is interesting. Hobbes tells him those are cannons. Calvin mentions that they perform in crowded concert halls. He thought classical music was boring.

Calvin explains to Dad what a day he's had. He went to school, played outside, did homework. He asks Dad the time. After Dad tells him, Calvin heads off declaring "It's Miller time".

While taking a test, Calvin asks Susie what 12 + 7 is. Susie tells him a billion. Calvin realizes that can't be right, since that's what Susie said 3 + 4 was.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's just read a great science fiction story. He says it's about machines who take control of humans and make them zombie slaves. Hobbes clarifies by stating that instead of us controlling machines, they control us. He says that's a scary idea. Calvin agrees, then notices his TV show is on.

The tyrannosaurus lumbers through the valley. He's a walking death machine. Only one other creature dares challenge him, the saber-toothed tiger. Hobbes is peacefully sleeping. He rolls from side-to-side while Calvin awaits with mouth open. Finally, Calvin yells for Hobbes to wake up. The meek tyrannosaurus, victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the valley.

Calvin tells Hobbes they are going to discuss current events at school. He tells Hobbes each student had to pick an article, read it to the class, then explain it. Hobbes asks which article he chose. Calvin tells him "Space Alien Weds Two-Headed Elvis Clone". Calvin comments that there's not much left to explain.

Calvin shows Hobbes what you can do with big socks. He puts them over his ears, one over his nose. An elephant. Hobbes wants to join in on the fun. Dad is standing by his dresser with no socks on. He yells that if he misses the bus, it's going to be unpleasant around there.

Mom and Calvin are looking at a broken dish on the kitchen floor. Mom asks how the dish got broken. Calvin replies that he tried to carry too much, and it dropped. Mom tells him he has no common sense. Calvin disagrees by saying he's got plenty of common sense, he just chose to ignore it.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree. Calvin mentions he doesn't understand about death. He wonders if we're all going to die, what's the point of living? Hobbes ponders that and offers an answer of "Seafood". In a huff, Calvin says he doesn't know why he even talks to Hobbes before dinner.

Calvin tells Dad that he's decided he wants to be a millionaire when he grows up. Dad tells him he'll need to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. Calvin disagrees by saying he won't, Dad will. Calvin tells him he wants to inherit it.

Calvin tells Hobbes the worst part of going to school is waiting for the bus. Hobbes is eating a sandwich. Calvin goes on to say that he just thinks about what's going to go wrong during the day. Hobbes is drinking some milk. As the bus comes, Calvin thanks Hobbes for waiting there with him. Hobbes tells him it was his pleasure as he finishes the sandwich. On the bus, Calvin notices his lunch box seems light.

Calvin jumps in a pile of leaves and tells Hobbes to join him. Hobbes isn't so sure, as he thinks slugs hide under leaves. Calvin is sitting in the pile of leaves. Hobbes continues explaining that the slimy muckballs might be slipping up his pant leg. He figures there might be dozens of them in the leaf pile. Calvin jumps out, thrashing around to knock any slugs off of himself. Calvin comments that's the problem with nature. There's always something stinging you or oozing mucous on you. He's going to watch TV. Hobbes reminds him that at 3:00, he can watch "The Blob".

Spaceman Spiff is going to be interrogated by Zorkons. He looks at their implements of torture. At one particular device, he asks the Zorkon what the name of the device is. Calvin's gym teacher tells him it's a chin-up bar and to get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.

Calvin yells that he can't find his jacket in the closet. Mom yells back that the jacket is on the floor where Calvin had left it. Calvin asks why Mom didn't put it away. Mom gives Calvin a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation.

Calvin shows Hobbes he can make a shadow animal. He makes a dog. Hobbes thinks it's pretty good. Calvin then tries to make a swan. Hobbes sees a bug-eyed tentacle thing. They both jump in fright, crawl under the covers, and yell for Mom.

Calvin starts to sneeze. He plugs his nose and holds the sneeze in. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin explains that he is trying to blow his shoes off.

Hobbes is reading an album cover. He tells Calvin the composer could play piano at the age of three. He wrote his first symphony at four. Hobbes says that's amazing. Calvin recalls that when he was four, he thinks he was toilet trained.

Calvin comes down the stairs declaring that he's done with his homework. He says he's going out to play, and that he has his jacket. He says he's leaving. Lastly, he says he'll give further bulletins as events warrant.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing a game of flag capture. Calvin complains to Hobbes that he put the flag too high in the tree. Hobbes informs Calvin that isn't a rule, so Calvin makes it a rule. Hobbes tags Calvin and tells him to go to jail. Calvin's argument that he had a time out falls on deaf ears. Calvin declares another new rule about automatic time outs when discussing rules. Hobbes calls time in and tags Calvin. Calvin tells him he can't do that, and they need to call time in at the same time. Hobbes accuses Calvin of continually changing the rules so he can win. Calvin retorts that he's doing it so Hobbes can't cheat. They call each other cheater and muffin head. They fight. As they stand in the laundry room covered in dirt, Calvin says Mom suggests taking up playing Monopoly. Hobbes, peeking out from the washing machine, says he knows all about the "interest-free bank loans" Calvin makes to himself.

Calvin shows Mom he put his clothing for tomorrow on the staircase. In the morning, he plans to run out in his underwear, slide down the stairs, and be fully dressed when he reaches the bottom. He tells Mom that if she puts his cereal on the stairs, he won't have to get up until 30 seconds till the bus comes.

Calvin comes out with foam coming from his mouth. He tells Mom he has rabies. She tells him to spit out his toothpaste and to stop being silly. As Calvin walks off, he wonders if Dad will fall for it if Calvin bites him first.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he's going to dress up as for Halloween. Hobbes isn't sure yet. Calvin tells him the idea is to go as the scariest thing you can think of. Hobbes makes a fearsome face and says he might just go as himself. Calvin plans to go as a barrel of toxic waste.

Calvin gets ready to carve the jack-o'-lantern. Calvin draws the eyes and explains to Hobbes that it will look like a face when they're done. First, though, they need to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Calvin grabs a knife and says "OK, Jack, time for your lobotomy". He asks Hobbes for a big spoon. Hobbes covers his mouth and is sickened by Calvin not even using an anesthetic.

Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad likes Halloween as much as they do. Hobbes asks if Dad is taking them trick-or-treating. Calvin replies that Mom is. Hobbes asks if Dad is staying home to give out candy. Calvin tells him Dad is going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose to drench potential T.P.ers.

Having eaten their Halloween candy, Hobbes says he feels awful. Calvin thinks if someone even mentions "Milk Duds", he'll barf. Calvin laments the passing of another Halloween. He says its always a letdown after a holiday. He decides they might as well go into town to look at the Christmas decorations.

Calvin is taking a bath, playing with a paper ship. He pretends it's an aircraft carrier. He states the ship is virtually unsinkable. Hobbes knows what can sink it, a cannonball depth charge. He jumps into the tub and PFOOM! Calvin, and all the water in the tub, flies out onto the floor. Calvin tells Hobbes to refill the tub so they can do it again. Dad notices the waterfall coming down the stairs. He says he's going upstairs to see what her son is up to.

Calvin is making a "get well" card for Mom. He shows Hobbes the card. The front says "Get well soon". The inside elaborates that she should get well because Calvin's bed isn't made, his clothes need to be put away, and he's hungry. Hobbes wants to sign the card, too, because he's also hungry.

Calvin brings breakfast to Mom, who is lying in bed. He's made eggs, toast and juice. He goes on to say the eggs kind of burned, but that Mom could chip them out with a chisel. When Mom asks about the toast and coffee, Calvin offers that Dad told him not to tell Mom about it until she was feeling better.

Dad says that since Mom is sick, he will make dinner. Calvin didn't know Dad could cook. Dad proudly declares that he survived two years of his own cooking when he had an apartment after college. Calvin reminds him Mom said he ate frozen waffles and had canned soup three meals a day. Dad replies that Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. He also asks Calvin to get the syrup out.

Calvin asks Mom if she wants him to read her a story, since she reads stories to him when he's sick. Mom says she just wants to rest. Calvin sits on the edge of the bed and says "It's hard to be a mom for a mom". Mom sits up and gives Calvin a hug. She says he does fine. Calvin wants to know if she's contagious.

Hobbes asks Calvin what's wrong with Mom. Calvin replies he doesn't know, but that Mom went to the doctor's office. Hobbes wonders if maybe she's going to have a baby. Calvin jumps in horror at the thought. He wonders why she would want another kid. After all, she has him. Hobbes agrees that you'd think she would have learned her lesson.

Calvin tells Hobbes that when asked, Dad said as far as he knew. He said they'd know if she was having a baby because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland condition. Dad said that right before Mom creamed him with a pillow. Dad surmises that Mom must be feeling better. Hobbes thinks Calvin has weird parents.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the house. They're shooting at each other, running down the stairs, shooting around doors and over furniture. They're yelling the entire time. Mom yells to Calvin to stop tearing around the house. They're driving her crazy. Calvin tells her that she told him he couldn't play outside because it was raining. Calvin and Hobbes are outside, standing under an umbrella. Calvin says that sure worked. Hobbes wonders just how long it is until they can go back inside.

Calvin comes home and tells Mom he got a part in the class play. He gets to say a line. Mom tells him that's wonderful. Calvin believes this is a great dramatic role, and he'll have people in tears by the second act. The play is "Nutrition and the Four Food Groups". Calvin will be an onion.

Calvin asks Hobbes to help him learn his line for the play. Calvin reads the line, gives the script to Hobbes, and Hobbes tells him to start. Suddenly, Calvin realizes he's not in character yet. He doesn't have his motivation. Hobbes wonders if it's fame. He supposes this role could be a big break.

They're still rehearsing. Hobbes reads the line before Calvin. Calvin starts his line, and stops. He starts again, and stops. Suddenly, he falls to his knees, says he hates the play and bemoans his inability to learn the part. Hobbes suggests his emoting is down pat.

Calvin has it figured out. He tells Hobbes the play is no sweat. Hobbes asks if Calvin has his line memorized. Calvin replies that he doesn't. He figures he'll come on stage, do a little soft-shoe and ad-lib something. Hobbes wonders how he'll ad-lib something on dietary fiber. Calvin thinks he could also do his onion in mime.

Calvin asks Mom how his onion costume is coming. Mom is still working on it, and she wishes the class would do something less elaborate. Calvin says to be glad he's not Russy White, who has to be an amino acid. Calvin puts the costume on. He thinks it's "Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer".

Calvin wants to know if Dad is coming to the play. Dad says he'll probably be at work. Calvin tells him it will be great drama. Dad asks Calvin to read his line now. Calvin starts, then forgets. He starts again, then forgets. Dad figures with 25 kids in food suits forgetting their lines, he'll definitely be at work.

Calvin angrily sits on his sled at the top of the hill. He's dressed for winter, but there's no snow on the ground. He yells for there to be snow. Suddenly, snow starts falling. Calvin runs off claiming to be psychokinetic. After he leaves, the snow stops. Hobbes is sitting on a tree branch with an empty bag of snow he dumped down. With a smile on his face, Hobbes suggests that Calvin will hate him for this.

Susie asks Calvin if he has his line memorized for the play. Calvin says he's still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role. He asks Susie what she is. She replies "Fat". Calvin says "No. I mean in the play". She smacks him and asks whether anyone else wants to say it. Calvin lies in a heap on the sidewalk calling for his understudy.

Calvin is waiting in his onion suit at the bus stop. Calvin tells Hobbes he feels like an idiot. He says he'll be glad when the play is over. Hobbes yells for Calvin to run for his life, a produce truck is coming. As Calvin runs off, Hobbes yells that he was just kidding.

Miss Wormwood asks Susie where Calvin is. Susie says she doesn't know, that he was just there a minute ago. She wonders if he went to the bathroom. Miss Wormwood says he's on stage in two minutes. He picked a fine time to go to the bathroom. Calvin, in the bathroom, says it's a fine time to get stuck in his costume zipper.

Calvin can't believe he's stuck in his costume zipper. He figures he can't go on stage with his shirt caught in his costume. He knows he should be onstage reciting his line. He wonders what to do. From the bathroom, he shouts out his line.

Calvin comes home, and Mom asks how the play went. Calvin tells her he got stuck in his zipper, they had to stop the play, and the janitor had to find him and get him out. Mom says that was terrible. Calvin says the play was ruined, but he remembered his line.

Calvin runs along with his cape. He calls "Up, up and away". He leaps, then crashes into the floor. He grabs his throat, crying "kryptonite".

Dad goes into the store, leaving Calvin and Hobbes in the car. They hide under a blanket, putting a bag on top of themselves, so Dad will think they've run away. Dad comes back out to the car, seeing that they're hiding. He says he wonders where they are. He says it's his chance to get away before they come back. He says Mom will be glad when she hears he's lost them. Calvin pops up saying Mom won't be glad. He calls Dad a sicko and says he's ruining Dad's getaway.

Susie asks Calvin if he wants to trade sandwiches. He tells her no, that he's got his favorite kind. He asks Susie what kind she has, and she replies peanut butter. Calvin says his is processed mouse loaf. Susie doesn't believe it, saying it looks like egg salad. Calvin picks a piece off the sandwich and holds it up. He offers it to Susie to try. He thinks it's a whisker and is good. Susie is so grossed out she doesn't want her own sandwich now. Calvin wants to know what kind of cookies she has.

Calvin is walking along. He trips, flips over and lands on his rear. He stands up saying "Ta-daaa!".

Calvin asks how they know the load limits on bridges. Dad tells him they keep driving bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. He tells Calvin they then weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Mom tells Dad that if he doesn't know the answer, he should just tell him.

Reading the newspaper, Calvin tells Hobbes it's hard to believe there are still starving people in the world. He says there is even hunger in America, that some people never get enough to eat. Hobbes holds his stomach and says he knows what that's like. Calvin says he does not.

Calvin's playing with his toy soldiers. They're marching up the hill. Bombers appear on the horizon. Bombs begin to fall. Suddenly, pine cones rain down on Calvin's head. Hobbes, standing up on a tree branch, says he had two direct hits.

Calvin shows Hobbes that you get a plastic trinket in the box of "Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs" cereal. Hobbes notes the box says there are ten colors to collect. Calvin says Mom won't buy any more cereal until that box is gone. As they sit at the kitchen table with bowls in front of them, Hobbes figures it shouldn't take more than a couple hours to eat the box. Calvin isn't so sure, as he gets pretty wired after five bowls.

Spaceman Spiff is hit. He plummets toward planet Zog. There's no place to land. His controls don't respond. His fuel explodes due to the stress. He has ten seconds to impact. He starts counting down...nine, eight. Miss Wormwood says "Well, Calvin?". He shouts "Seven". Miss Wormwood congratulates him on his correct answer for ten minus three. She thought he wasn't paying attention. Miraculously, Spiff makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again.

Mom tells Calvin she and Dad are going out tomorrow. He'll have a baby sitter. Calvin asks for it not to be Rosalyn. Mom informs him that she called eight people, and Rosalyn is the only one who will do it. Calvin wants her to call more. Mom says she's been calling for an hour already. She says Rosalyn is fine. Calvin says Rosalyn is a barracuda in a high school senior suit. Mom asks Calvin if he remembers Amy. She just laughed when Mom called her.

Calvin hears the doorbell. The baby sitter is here. Hobbes suggests hiding, but Calvin says they smell fear. Hobbes suggests going on the offensive. Calvin asks for paper and a pencil. Hobbes recognizes a blackmail attempt coming. Calvin tells him to get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.

Mom leaves and says good-bye to Rosalyn. Rosalyn calls up the stairs to Calvin to see if he's up there. Two suction darts come flying down at Rosalyn. She charges up the stairs, rolling up her sleeves. She tells Calvin it's "Bedtime for Bonzo". Calvin complains that it's only six o'clock.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying in bed. Calvin can't believe they were put there, and it isn't even dark out. Calvin decides that while she can put them in bed, she can't make them sleep. He gives Hobbes a horn, he gets a tom-tom. Rosalyn looks in and reminds Calvin that sleeping in a bed is a privilege, and that the basement will be less comfy. Hobbes wonders what she meant by "the basement". Calvin quickly turns and says "Shhh!".

Mom calls Rosalyn to tell her they are going to be later than planned. Rosalyn tells her Calvin went to be early, and she's just holding down the fort. In the background, Calvin yells out. He wants to know if that's Mom. He wants to talk with her. He yells for her to come home before it's too late. Rosalyn tells Mom it's just the TV and to enjoy the play.

Mom and Dad come home. Mom asks if Rosalyn got Calvin to bed. She replies yes, but. Calvin yells down the stairs asking if that was Mom and Dad, did they get rid of the baby sitter, and thanking goodness they were home. Mom asks if he's been that way all night. Rosalyn says his voice gave out around 11:00, but yes. Calvin yells for them not to pay her anything. Mom tells Dad to give her a little bit extra. Dad wonders if five is enough. Rosalyn suggests eight, since college tuitions are up.

Calvin asks Dad to read a story Hobbes wrote, "Goldilocks and the Three Tigers". Dad reads that Goldilocks walks in the forest, sees the house, goes into the house, sees the porridge in three bowls. Then the three tigers come home, divide Goldilocks into three parts, and dunk her in the porridge. Dad is disgusted by the story and refuses to continue. He says "Good night". Calvin laments he didn't even look at the illustrations. Hobbes complains about now being hungry.

Calvin trudges along complaining about the rotten day. He comes upon Hobbes, who is lying on his back. Calvin buries his head and hands into Hobbes' fur and rubs him. Calvin walks away with a smile on his face, declaring it "fuzz therapy".

Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He's lost his homework assignment and wants to know what they're supposed to read for tomorrow. Susie suggests he's calling for some other reason. Calvin wonders why else he would call her. She suggests he misses the melodious sound of her voice. Calvin says she's crazy, and he just wants the assignment. Susie wants to hear Calvin tell her he misses the sound of her voice. Calvin yells that "This is blackmail!".

Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes comes flying out, smashes into Calvin, and they tumble along. Hobbes thinks that's an enthusiastic greeting. Calvin wishes he'd just buy a "I missed you" card.

Calvin has a great idea for school. He takes a ping-pong ball and cuts it in half. He draws a dot on each end. He puts one over each eye so it looks like he's paying attention. He asks Hobbes if he makes him look too interested. Hobbes says no, because Calvin is looking in the wrong direction.

Calvin has bad news for Dad regarding his polls. Calvin tells him he's dropped two notches and his future is grim. Dad wonders what it would take to improve his standings. Calvin says he needs a VCR. Dad tells him he'll keep that in mind. Calvin tells Dad, who's reading the newspaper, that he hopes he's looking at the "Help Wanted" section.

Calvin receives a chain letter in the mail. He reads that a man in Denver made copies and got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and went bald. Hobbes scoffs at the letter. He says those notes are for superstitious nincompoops and to throw the note away. Calvin continues, saying "a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer".

Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Hobbes scores 150 points with "zygomorphic" on a triple-word score. Calvin gets three points with "in". Hobbes scores 40 with "nucleoplasm". Calvin only has consonants. He kicks the board and refuses to play anymore. He suggests they play poker instead. At least he has a chance of winning with cards. He starts betting with a nickel. Hobbes, with a smile on his face, sees his nickel and raises him eight dollars.

Calvin has shrunk to the size of an insect. His only hope is to call for help. With all his might, he dials the phone. It's ringing, but will anyone hear him. Dad picks up the phone and hears buzzing. He says that better not be Calvin.

Calvin rinses his hair and forms it into a point. He walks into the kitchen, telling Mom that the earth female should not be alarmed. His planet is dying, and they need cookies to survive. He tells her not to resist or she will be destroyed. He walks off with the cookie jar. Mom chases after him.

Calvin plays with a Ouija board. He tells Hobbes the board knows all. They decide to ask the board which of them is smarter. Calvin calls for the board to answer their question. As they struggle over the pointer, Hobbes says it's heading for the "H". Calvin disagrees, saying it's trying to go to "C".

They decide to ask the Ouija board a different question. Calvin wants to know if he'll grow up to be president. The pointer starts to move. G..O..D..F..O..R..B..I..D. Calvin kicks the board and says he'll ask for an editorial when he wants one.

Hobbes wonders how the Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries. Calvin decides to ask it. The pointer goes to "3". Calvin remembers he didn't ask for the Ouija board last Christmas, he asked for a computer.

Calvin complains about having to go to bed. He never gets to do what he wants. He says they'll be sorry if he grows up to be a psychopath because of all this. Dad tells him no one ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Calvin adds that they don't let him chew tobacco, either. They don't know what might push him over the brink.

A prehistoric monster is awakened. It makes its way to Japan and emerges. Calvin jumps up out of his bathtub water. He walks down the stairs saying he's heading for the power lines, trailing destruction. He comes up to Mom. Mom tells him to get back in the tub, he's making a mess. Calvin says it's Megalon, his arch-rival. He spits a bunch of water on Mom, saying it's a fireball. She chases him back up the stairs saying no more afternoon TV movies for him.

Calvin is making Mom and Dad a Christmas present out of clay. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's an ashtray. Hobbes looks up. He says Mom and Dad don't smoke. Angrily, Calvin tells him "OK, Michaelangelo, you sculpt something!".

Calvin tells Hobbes a homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you invested your time and skill into it. It says it's a personal gift, not a generic one. He tells Hobbes it also means you need a bigger allowance.

Hobbes is reading a news article that says many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. Calvin can believe it. He says it stresses him. Hobbes asks why. Calvin explains that he hates being good.

Calvin and Hobbes wake up Christmas morning. Calvin wants to wake Mom and Dad and go open all his loot. Hobbes thinks they should let them sleep in a little. They sit in bed, straining from the pressure. Calvin runs into their bedroom yelling to wake up, it's Christmas. They say it's a quarter to six, that he's let them sleep in this year.

Calvin notices a library book was due two days ago. He wonders if they'll interrogate him, break his knees, make him sign a confession. Mom says they'll fine him ten cents. Calvin says the way some librarians look at you, he naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.

Calvin asks Dad what would happen if you plugged your nose and mouth when you sneezed. He wonders if the sneeze would go out your ears or if your head would explode. Dad was hoping Calvin had a math question.

Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill with their sled. Calvin says he sometimes likes to lie back on his sled and look at the sky. It's gray, no birds are singing, everything is muffled by the snow. He says without people or houses, everything would be perfectly still. Hobbes is on the sled, Calvin standing next to it. They both look into the sky. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks that's pretty neat. Hobbes agrees that it's very peaceful. Calvin kicks the sled down the hill. As Hobbes yells in terror, Calvin says he hates all that silence.

Calvin points out the toboggan, suicide sled, to Hobbes. He indicates the unique design that gets snow sprayed into your face and the shows the lack of steering mechanism. He says it's truly a danger to life and limb. Calvin and Hobbes go down the hill, coated in snow, cheering with joy.

Calvin asks if he can turn up the temperature in the house. Mom tells him that's expensive and to put on a sweater. Calvin notices the thermostat goes up to 90 degrees. He says they could be sitting around in shorts. Mom warns him to keep his hands off. Calvin says he can see his breath and will only turn it up to 75. Mom yells "I said don't touch it!" Calvin says his hands are numb, he can't move the switch. He'll go put on a sweater.

Calvin comes in from outside. He's all bundled up. Mom says he looks cold. She tells him there is a fire made up and to go warm up. He runs to the fireplace saying nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire when you've been out in the cold. He gets there and sees Hobbes lying in front of the fire. Calvin notices that some people say "why bother going outside first?".

Calvin comes into the house tracking mud behind him. Mom yells that she hopes he took his boots off before he walked across the floor. Calvin takes his boots off, leaving them on the floor. He yells back to Mom that of course he did. She doesn't have to tell him all the time.

Calvin pulls his toboggan up the hill. He wipes his head from the effort. Later, when he returns home, he asks Dad if he's given any more thought to Calvin's suggestion of a backyard ski lift.

Hobbes comes wobbling along, eyes wide open, body swirling. Calvin says Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.

Dad comes in the house, happy about the chilly weather. He says this weather lets you know you're alive. He calls for Mom and Calvin to come outside. He says it's a perfect day. Calvin and Mom, sitting near the fireplace, yell to Dad to "Close the dumb door". Dad goes back outside, while Calvin asks Mom just how long she knew him before they married.

Hobbes comes up to Calvin, who's sitting at his desk writing. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's writing his autobiography. When Hobbes points out that he's only six years old, Calvin points out that he only has one sheet of paper.

Hobbes is lying in bed reading a book. Calvin asks if it's the book he gave him. Hobbes replies yes, and starts to explain why. Calvin stops him. He brings paper and a pencil over and asks Hobbes if he'd mind writing it in two pages for Calvin by tomorrow morning.

Calvin asks Mom if he was adopted, and Mom says no. Calvin then asks if she's planning on Calvin working in a cannery 14 hours a day when he's seven, and Mom says no. He then asks if she's fattening him up so he can be eaten. Mom wants to know who put all those ridiculous ideas into his head. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom called them "ridiculous ideas". Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she'd really tell him.

Susie is walking along in the snow. A snowball flies overhead. Suddenly, several snowballs come toward her, but none hit. Calvin is standing in the distance next to a wheelbarrow with some snowballs in it. Susie yells that for all the preparation, Calvin is sure a lousy shot.

Calvin sits on the top of the snowy hill on his sled. He's thinking that it's okay to go down the hill, he'll miss the trees. He'll stop before he goes over the ledge at the bottom. He won't go into the ice-covered pond. Besides, the ice is probably really thick. Calvin says his brain is trying to kill him.

Calvin is getting his coat and boots on to go outside. As Calvin walks along, he hears "Galosh, galosh, galosh".

As they come down the hill on the sled, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he thinks human nature is good or evil. Hobbes wants Calvin to watch out for the trees. Calvin clarifies about being basically good, with bad tendencies or basically bad, with good tendencies. Hobbes wants his to watch out for the rock. Calvin offers a third choice, that people are basically crazy. Hobbes thinks they're too close to the edge. Calvin wants to know what Hobbes thinks. Hobbes can't watch as they crash into a tree. Calvin thinks it's rude for Hobbes to change the subject after each sentence. Hobbes chooses crazy.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking through the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he called Susie a booger-brain at school and she went home crying. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin says he was just teasing her. Hobbes tells Calvin that it sounds like he hurt her feelings. Calvin says he didn't mean for Susie to take the insult personally.

Calvin tells Hobbes he feels bad about calling Susie names and hurting her feelings. He says he's sorry he did it. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize to her. Calvin keeps hoping there's a less obvious solution.

Calvin walks up to Susie and haltingly starts to apologize. Susie tells him to get lost and that he's mean. She walks away. Calvin yells after her that she shouldn't walk away, he's trying to apologize. Then, he calls her a dumb noodleloaf. He smacks himself on the forehead.

Calvin runs after Susie. He tells her he's sorry he called her names and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Susie says her feelings were hurt, but that she accepts his apology. Calvin happily runs off saying that goodness that's over with. Susie yells after him that on second thought, he should grovel a little bit.

Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. Calvin accuses Hobbes, who proclaims his innocence. Calvin calls him a liar. Hobbes replies Calvin is Mr. Tapioca Head. Calvin has been maligned. He promises not to speak to Hobbes again. They stick their tongues out at each other. Calvin mocks Hobbes walking. Hobbes returns the insult by mocking Calvin. They continue making fun of each other and making noises. Mom yells for them to come inside. Calvin laments Mom's interruption of their repartee. Hobbes is sure he had Calvin wriggling in the crushing grip of reason.

Calvin comes in with a couple envelopes and says one is for Hobbes. Hobbes is so happy, since he never gets letters. He looks at the envelope wondering who could have sent it and what could it be. Calvin yells for him to open it and calls him a lunatic. Hobbes tells him not to get huffy and that he wants to savor this.

Hobbes looks at what he got in the mail. He says it's an invitation. Calvin wants to know who would invite him anywhere. Calvin says no one invites a tiger because you can't get the insurance. Hobbes says someone is inviting him. Calvin shouts for Hobbes to tell him who invited him and to read the invitation. Hobbes figures it's probably some big state dinner. He hopes he can find his cummerbund.

Calvin continues to badger Hobbes about his invitation. He asks what it says and calls Hobbes a dumb hairball. Hobbes tells him he'll read it when he's good and ready. Calvin burns with impatience. Hobbes starts reading his invitation....slowly. Calvin yells at Hobbes to read faster.

Hobbes reads that it's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. Calvin asks if it talks about him, and Hobbes says no. Calvin thinks his invitation must have been sent separately. Susie probably insured it so it wouldn't get lost. Those invitations take longer to arrive. Calvin figures he'll have to sign for his invitation when it comes. Hobbes notices something on the back of the invitation. Susie wrote that Hobbes can bring "that stupid kid you hang around, if you must".

Hobbes celebrates being able to go to the birthday party. Calvin calls Susie stupid. Hobbes talks about the balloons, cake and presents. Calvin says Susie won't be getting a big present from him. Hobbes figures they'll play games, too. With a smile on his face, Hobbes suggests they might play "spin the bottle". Calvin yells for him to "get real".

Hobbes is making out a list of gifts they could give Susie. Calvin suggests a mouth full of broken teeth. Hobbes thinks a can of tuna fish would be better. Calvin wonders why she'd want that. Hobbes figures maybe she wouldn't want it, they could offer to take it back, get some mayo and bread...

Calvin and Hobbes are playing checkers. Hobbes makes some jumps and wins the game. Calvin pitches a fit. He says he hates it when Hobbes wins, he hates the game, he hates the world. Calvin goes on to accuse Hobbes of cheating, and says he didn't want to play in the first place. Around and around he goes, yelling the whole time, until he flops down to the ground panting. Hobbes reminds him it's just a game. Calvin says he knows and that Hobbes should see him when he loses in real life.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking to Susie's party. Calvin has a gift in his hands. As they approach her home, Calvin says this is their last chance to not show up and have a new bike horn.

Susie opens the door, and Calvin hands her the gift. She thanks them for coming and they step inside. She notices Hobbes is wearing a tie. She picks him up and hugs him. Grudgingly, Calvin tells Hobbes that he was right about girls flipping for ties and that he can stop winking at him.

Susie has a scavenger hunt at her party. Off go Calvin and Hobbes for the first item, an old license plate. Calvin remembers seeing one on their way over to Susie's. He pulls out his Swiss army knife and starts to remove the plate from a car. Hobbes wonders if this game is legal.

Susie hands Calvin a paper plate for his piece of birthday cake. Calvin whispers to Hobbes that he hopes the cake is something good and not gross like coconut. Hobbes tells him not to worry, the cake is chocolate. Calvin asks if he saw the cake. Susie yells that someone cut a piece out already, and that she didn't even get to blow out the candles. Hobbes whispers that it's nice and moist, too.

Susie thanks Calvin and Hobbes for coming to her party and for her gift. Calvin and Hobbes are walking home, and Calvin stops. He digs into his pocket while something puddles up on the ground. He says Mom may not want the piece of cake and ice cream they're bringing her.

Calvin looks out the window and sees that it snowed. He's sure they'll have to close all the schools. He says the snow must be waist deep. As he stands waiting for the school bus, we see that it is waist high...his waist. Calvin says "Unfortunately, that's a relative measure".

Calvin, wearing sunglasses, and Hobbes are dancing to the music. They're swinging to the beat. Mom sits up in bed and says that he's playing classical music at 78 rpm, or she's dreaming. Dad says first thing in the morning, he's calling the orphanage.

Calvin asks Susie what the teacher is handing out. Susie tells him it's their report cards. Calvin asks if they're being graded. Susie replies yes. Calvin asks if they don't get a few practice semesters.

Calvin tells Dad he has his report card. Dad asks to see it. Calvin reminds Dad that he once said it didn't matter what grade you got, as long as you were trying your hardest. Dad looks at the card and yells Calvin could be trying harder than this. Calvin then asks if Dad admits to lying before.

Calvin complains that Dad says the report card shows not enough time is spent on homework. From now on, the time from dinner to bedtime is homework time. Calvin says that's unfair. He thinks if he finishes it faster than that, he shouldn't have to stay in his room. Hobbes is sitting at the desk writing Calvin's homework. Hobbes asks if he can help it if he's so fast.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he can have some clay. Calvin says to help himself, and that the stuff is impossible to work with. Calvin says he has a pretty good bowl or something going. He says it started out as a Phantom jet, but got squashed. So now, he thinks it's a bowl. As he says he's proud of it, Hobbes works his clay into a tiger reaching out. Hobbes says Calvin's bowl is very good.

Calvin comes growling into the kitchen. Mom says there's a dinosaur in the kitchen. She asks the dinosaur to tell Calvin it's almost time for dinner. She mentions she would invite the dinosaur to eat, but that dinosaurs aren't allowed at the dinner table. Calvin growls out of the kitchen into the dining room. He thinks dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.

Mom is by the bathtub, and she yells for Calvin to come take his bath. Calvin replies he's not taking baths anymore. Mom asks how he's going to stay clean. Calvin picks up the vacuum cleaner and says "Easy".

Calvin and Hobbes are pushing a big snowball. Calvin says this will be the biggest snowman ever. He says people will come from miles to see their snowman. Hobbes can't push the snowball anymore, so Calvin tells him to leave it there. Hobbes says he's exhausted. Calvin tells him he can't stop now, they need nine more. The snowball they've been pushing has been only one of the snowman's toes. As Hobbes walks off, we see Calvin has been stuffed into the snowball and has his head poking out the top of the snowball.

Calvin asks Mom where Dad is. She tells him he's in the living room, making a fire. Calvin runs into the living room with a big smile on his face. He stops as he sees Dad and says "Oh. In the fireplace".

Hobbes carefully makes a snowball and throws it. Calvin swings his bat and hits the snowball. PIFF! Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to call that a single or give this up.

Calvin picks up a bunch of Christmas lights and goes outside. Dad asks Mom what Calvin wanted the lights for. Mom replies that Calvin didn't say. Dad figures in that case, they better check. We see the lights have been placed on the roof of the house spelling out the message "UFOs! Land here".

Calvin asks Mom where they keep all their chainsaws. Mom tells him they don't have any chainsaws. Calvin asks if they don't have any, and Mom says no. Calvin walks off wondering how he's ever going to learn to juggle.

A giant amoeba slides across the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod, the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Mom looks over as the cookies are being eaten. She pulls the blanket off Calvin, telling him "Nice try. Put them back".

A majestic eagle circles in the clouds. He spots his prey and dives. The unwary prize won't know what hit it. Calvin is diving on top of Dad, who's lying asleep in the bed. Calvin tells Dad to wake up, it's Saturday.

Calvin is playing with a toy car on his sofa. Mr. Jones hops into his sports car. He drives to work, faster and faster, along the edge of the Grand Canyon. His steering locks and his brakes fail. Over the edge he plummets. Mr. Jones tries to climb out his sun roof to grab a branch in an attempt to save himself. The car explodes in mid-air, sending millions of tiny shards into the stratosphere. The car lies on the floor as Calvin looks at it. Calvin puts the toy back on the sofa and starts the saga of the neighbors, who've heard the booms across the canyon. They get in their mini-van to investigate. Calvin wonders what will happen to them.

Calvin asks Dad if he did a mating dance when he met Mom. Calvin explains he saw some birds do it on TV. Calvin shows how the birds looked, flapping his arms and making squawking noises. Dad says that's more or less how he reacted. Mom leans over the back of the chair Dad's sitting on and asks what he was reacting that way to.

Mom puts Hobbes in the clothes dryer. Calvin waits while the dryer runs. Finally, the bell rings and Calvin opens the dryer. Hobbes is all frizzy. Calvin tells him he's a fright. Hobbes asks for Calvin to tell his Mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.

Calvin comes down the stairs and tells Mom he cleaned his room. He tells her he did it without her having to tell him. She compliments him on being thoughtful. Calvin walks away smiling, then turns around and yells that this isn't going to be a habit or anything.

Dad is vacuuming, and Calvin asks him why it doesn't take him as long to clean as it does Mom. Dad supposes he's more efficient. Calvin suggests he doesn't do as good a job. Dad asks Mr. Critic to find something to do. Calvin picks up a big dust ball and asks if he can take it to "show and tell" tomorrow. Dad kneels next to Calvin and says this dust ball is going to be their little secret. Mom yells from the other room. She says she thought Dad had already done the room.

Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He points out his fingers and toes, which are all wrinkled. Calvin thinks it's neat. Hobbes imagines a news heading "Big pink raisin discovered in tub, boy's whereabouts unknown". Calvin shrieks and starts climbing out of the tub.

Calvin comes up behind Mom and tells her for the next 60 seconds, he will conduct a test of his emergency broadcast equipment. He then yells at the top of his lungs. Mom jumps up from her chair. Calvin concludes his test. He says if this had been a real emergency, he would have screamed lots more times. As he sits on his bed with a scowl on his face, Calvin tells Hobbes that when the house caves in, she'll thank him.

Mom and Calvin are playing. She tickles him, chases him through the house, then tickles him some more. Calvin is laughing and giggling. Finally, Mom suggests they stop and calm down. Mom curls up and falls asleep. Calvin tells Dad her plan backfired. He's all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.

Calvin is eating breakfast and tells Mom he needs Crisco for school. Mom hands him the Crisco and tells him he should remember these things the night before. Calvin puts a bunch in his hair. Mom can't believe he did that. She tells him he's not going to school like that. Calvin pleads with her. It's class picture day.

Calvin is standing at the bus stop with his hair slicked down. Hobbes asks what the deal is with his hair. Calvin says Mom made him take the Crisco out of his hair. Now he says he looks like a moron. Hobbes agrees. Calvin tells him to do something and not just stand there. Hobbes makes points out of the sides of Calvin's hair. Calvin wants to know if it's new wave and asks if it's cool.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's sure he's fixed his hair so it looks okay. Hobbes says it looks great. Calvin doesn't believe him. Hobbes tells him to trust him and that he looks like "Astro Boy". Calvin is happy with that and now can't wait to get his picture taken.

Susie is shocked at Calvin's hair. She reminds him it's class picture day. He tells her that's why he did it. Susie wonders if his Mom knows he looks like that. Calvin tells her "sort of". He says Hobbes fixed him up at the bus stop. Susie puts her head in her hands and wishes she had some Crisco. Calvin can't wait till Mom sends his picture to Grandma.

The photographer sits Calvin on the stool and tells him to look at him. Calvin starts taking his shirt off. The photographer tells him not to take his shirt off, but Calvin tells him he has a face painted on his stomach. The photographer tells him to put his shirt back on. Calvin points out that when he breathes out, the picture changes. He tells the photographer to take a picture quick.

Calvin has his school pictures and shows them to Hobbes. Hobbes starts laughing at Calvin and his hair. He says the pictures are great. Calvin agrees. Hobbes rolls onto his back laughing and points out one picture with a funny expression. Calvin says he got one of his eyes to roll back on that one. As Hobbes wipes tears of laughter from his eyes, he points out that Mom is going to go into conniptions. Calvin says think of the memories the pictures will bring years from now.

Calvin has upset his body's water balance. Everything solid in his body begins to dissolve. He is becoming liquid. If he could get to an icebox, he could freeze himself until he can get medical attention. But he can only run downhill. Can he make it? Calvin, sitting in the back seat of the car, doesn't think he can make it. Mom tells him there's a gas station ahead and to hold on. Dad reminds Calvin he told him not to drink so much before they left.

Dad is questioning Calvin as to why his test score was so terrible. Calvin says he didn't study for it. Dad asks for clarification as to why he didn't study for it. Calvin tells him he forgot. Dad wonders how he could have forgotten to study. Calvin holds his hands out, eyes wide, and asks where and who he is. Dad tells him not to give him that amnesia stuff.

Calvin is at the dinner table, and he thanks the strangers for having him over for dinner. Dad tells him to knock it off. He says Calvin does not have amnesia. Calvin tries to concentrate as he says this all seems vaguely familiar. Dad says he's asking for an early bedtime. Mom says Calvin seems to remember he likes dessert, as Calvin digs in. He says his memory might return if he had some more dessert. Dad tells him to go to bed.

Dad carries Calvin up the stairs saying he's had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since Calvin won't stop it, it's off to bed. Dad tells him to let him know if he wants to be serious. Calvin winks at Hobbes as Dad leaves. When Dad closes the door, Calvin yells out that there's a tiger in the room.

Dad sits on the bed and tells Calvin that they just want him to study and do well in school. He tells Calvin education is very important. He tells him that's why the amnesia game has to stop. Calvin needs to stop "forgetting" to do his homework. Dad asks "OK?", Calvin replies "OK, mister". Dad leans forward and yells "OK?", Calvin replies "uh, Dad. Right, Dad. You got it".

Dad looks in on Calvin doing his homework. Dad says he's glad Calvin is doing his homework and asks how his math class is coming along. Calvin tells him great. Dad wants to know how great. Calvin says real great. Dad asks if he's been passing all his quizzes. Calvin replies he didn't say phenomenal.

Calvin walks by the ringing telephone. It continues to ring as he walks over to the wall. He pulls the phone cord out of the plug, which stops the phone from ringing. Calvin says it's never for him, and he hates taking messages.

Hobbes peeks out the window, sneaks behind a potted plant, hides under the chair, and finally races toward the door. Calvin comes in the door and is immediately pounced upon by Hobbes. As Hobbes sits on Calvin's back, he tells Calvin that after seven boring hours of school, he figured Calvin would appreciate one moment of pure, abject terror. Calvin wants Hobbes to let him get his bat to show his thanks.

Calvin finds a little raccoon on the ground. It's hurt and is barely breathing. Hobbes suggests not touching him. Calvin decides to go tell Mom. Hobbes hopes she can help. Calvin tells him you don't get to be a Mom if you can't fix everything just right.

Calvin and Mom come back to the raccoon. Mom isn't sure they can save him. She sends Calvin for a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Calvin runs off, and Mom sits next to Hobbes. She says she doesn't think the raccoon will make it. She hates when things like this happen. She then realizes she's talking to Hobbes and says you can tell she's upset when she starts talking to him.

Mom puts the raccoon in the box. She tells Calvin all they can do is keep him warm and safe. She tells him they'll put him in the garage and out some food and water. Calvin mentions he read that raccoons will eat almost anything. He says chances are he'll be happy to donate most of his dinner. Mom tells him he doesn't even know what they're having.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking at the raccoon. Hobbes asks if he's eaten anything, and Calvin replies no. They continue to look at the raccoon. Calvin tells the raccoon not to die. He says it wouldn't be grateful of the raccoon to break his heart.

Hobbes can't sleep. Calvin can't either, from worrying about the raccoon. Hobbes hopes the raccoon lives. Calvin does, too. Hobbes says that he thinks animals are always so cute.

Calvin asks Dad if he checked on the raccoon. Dad says he did, and the raccoon died. Calvin starts crying. Dad consoles him by saying the raccoon didn't have much of a chance. Dad says that at least the raccoon died warm and safe. They had done all they could. Calvin sniffles and says that even though the raccoon is gone from outside, he's not gone from inside.

Calvin has an instant camera and takes a picture of Hobbes. He has Hobbes make faces and odd poses as he takes the pictures. They laugh as they see the developed pictures. Calvin takes the pictures to Dad, who wonders why all the pictures are of Hobbes. Calvin says they're a scream. He'd like ten bucks for another roll of film.

Calvin shows Hobbes where Dad buried the raccoon. Calvin says he didn't even know the raccoon existed a few days ago, now he's gone forever. He says it's like he met the raccoon for no reason. As soon as he said hello, he had to say good-bye. As Calvin sniffles, he says that in a sad, awful, terrible way, he is glad he met the raccoon. As they walk over the hill, Calvin says "What a stupid world".

Lying in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't figure out that dying stuff. He wonders why the raccoon had to die, it hadn't done anything wrong. It was so little, what was the point of putting him here and taking him so soon? Both of them crawl under the bed. He says it's either mean or arbitrary, and either way he's got the heebie-jeebies. Hobbes wonders why they always discuss those type of things at night.

Walking in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom said death is as natural as life and is part of the life cycle. He says Mom told him people don't really understand it, but there are many things people don't understand. They just have to do the best they can with the knowledge they have. As they start to walk away, Calvin says he guesses that makes sense. He then hugs Hobbes and says "but don't YOU go anywhere". Hobbes tells him not to worry.

As they continue their walk in the woods, Calvin asks what happened to the trees. They've been cleared out. Calvin says there used to be lots of animals in the woods, now there is just a mud pit. Hobbes reads a sign saying that area will become the Shady Acres condominiums. As Hobbes looks around, the only shade he sees is from a bulldozer.

Calvin wants to know where the animals are going to live since they've cut down the woods. Calvin wonders what people would think if animals bulldozed a suburb and put in trees. Calvin and Hobbes both look up. Hobbes checks the bulldozer, but the keys weren't left in it.

Calvin notes the woods took a hundred years to grow, but was cut down in a week. He states that after the houses are built, roads will be widened, and gas stations will be built. The whole area will be just a big strip. Eventually, there won't be a nice spot anywhere. Calvin wonders if you can refuse to inherit a world. Hobbes thinks once you're born, it's too late.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the sofa watching television. Calvin thinks there is nothing better for spending weekends. Dad tells him he's been watching television all day and needs to get out and do something. He says kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air, have fun, and get some exercise. Dad closes the door on them. They walk over to Susie's house. Calvin asks if she's watching TV and wonders if they can come in. Susie says they can, but to hurry. There's a commercial on.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see his transmogrifier. Calvin says he just got it, which is a cardboard box sitting upside down. He explains you just step in, set the dials, then turn into whatever you want. Hobbes is amazed at what they can do with corrugated cardboard these days.

Calvin shows Hobbes that you can set the transmogrifier dial to whatever you want. He explains that the machine restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel, a baboon, a giant bug, or a dinosaur. The arrow on the side of the box can point to those choices. Hobbes wonders what happens if you want to be something else. Calvin explains he left some room, so you can just write it on the side.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to be transmogrified. Hobbes thinks being a tiger is his area of expertise. Calvin tells him not to worry, the change is painless and instantaneous. Calvin tells Hobbes to just think, he could be a 500-story tall gastropod, a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Hobbes rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. He wonders how he can refuse. Calvin tells him that if he doesn't want to be that, to pick something else. Calvin doesn't care.

Calvin is impatient with Hobbes. He says he'll go into the transmogrifier first. Hobbes wants to know what the point is to changing yourself into something else. Calvin tells him to think of the knowledge gained. Hobbes comments on what horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. From inside the box, Calvin tells Hobbes to set it to "lungfish", then changes his mind to "musk ox", no wait...

Hobbes asks what Calvin is going to transmogrify into. Calvin thinks maybe a tiger. Hobbes thinks that's a great idea, because the world can always use another tiger. Hobbes sets the control and ZAP! Hobbes asks if it worked. Calvin says that he's hot and wonders how Hobbes can stand to have all that fur.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he's a tiger now. He replies yes. Hobbes lifts the box. He looks down on a Calvin-sized version of himself, complete with furry cheeks. Hobbes states that words fail him. Calvin says he's disappointed, too. He reminds Hobbes that transmogrification is a new technology.

Calvin pretends he's an airplane. He runs down the sidewalk and takes off. He reaches cruising altitude and serves a small, tasteless snack. His return is delayed over Washington by all the other aircraft, so he'll have to circle for about forty minutes. He's cleared for landing and comes down. Calvin comes reeling into the house. Mom says that she saw him running around in circles for almost an hour and wonders if he's trying to make himself sick. Calvin mumbles something about playing "bus" next time.

Hobbes asks Calvin what it's like to be a tiger. Calvin replies that it's kinda fuzzy, but not much different. They look at each other and Hobbes asks what Calvin wants to talk about. Calvin asks if they eat soon.

Calvin comes into the kitchen and asks Mom if she'll make him and Hobbes a tuna fish sandwich. Mom says she thought Calvin didn't like tuna fish. Calvin tells her that he does now, because he's a tiger. Mom asks if Hobbes is a tiger. Calvin says yes, and he is since he transmogrified. Mom understands. Calvin, the tiger, thinks she's bearing up well under the strain but that she'll crack soon.

Dad comes home, and Calvin asks if he notices anything different about him. Dad guesses a new haircut. Calvin asks if he went blind. Calvin says he's a tiger. Dad says he thought Calvin meant BESIDES him being a tiger. He then tells Calvin he's tired, as Mom yells from the kitchen that she hopes Dad wants tuna for dinner.

Calvin decides he wasn't meant to be a tiger, so he is going to change back. He has Hobbes set the switch to turn him back to "Calvin" and ZAP! As Hobbes says "OOPS!", Calvin comes out from the box looking like a frog. He tells Hobbes to "try again, lunkhead".

Calvin comes out from his box looking himself. Hobbes compliments him on how well his machine works. They're trying to decide what to do with it next. As Susie walks by, Calvin says he could turn her into a bowl of chowder if he could just get her into the machine. Susie will have no part of it, though. She tells Calvin to leave her out of his life's plans.

Calvin eats one too many bites of food at the dinner table and begins to swell. He gets bigger and bigger. He wonders how much larger he can get. He thinks he's going to explode. Mom tells him she's never seen anyone eat so much at one sitting. She hopes he's learned his lesson.

Calvin is sitting at his desk complaining about his homework. Suddenly, his chair takes off running around the room. It stops and ejects Calvin onto his bed, where his blanket grabs him. It whips him off into the hallway, where Calvin bounces down the stairs. He dizzily walks along. Mom asks what he's doing and where his homework is. Calvin loopily replies he couldn't concentrate.

Calvin is on the school swing. The bell rings, and recess is over. As he hops off the swing, his pants get caught. The back of his pants is all torn up. Calvin wonders why you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard.

Calvin looks at the back of his pants. He can't believe he ripped them. He knows he's supposed to be back in class. He wonders what he'll do. Then he remembers. He walks off saying "of all the days to wear the underpants with the little rocket ships".

Calvin tries to pull his shirt down over the rip. Then he tries to tuck the shirt into the hole. No, maybe he can pull the ripped part under his belt. That doesn't work either. He sits down and wonders if he can scoot around on his rear the rest of the day.

Calvin sits at his school desk, begging not to have to go in front of the class. He clasps his hands together praying that Miss Wormwood call on someone else. He begs for her not to embarrass him. Miss Wormwood calls on Calvin to go to the board. Calvin says so much for his ever joining the clergy.

Miss Wormwood asks Calvin if he'll show the next problem on the board. He says no and stays in his seat. Miss Wormwood asks him why not, and Calvin replies he'd rather not say. He says it's a personal matter. She says he'll have to do better than that. Calvin asks if the words "complete pandemonium" strike terror into her heart.

Hobbes is talking to Calvin. He asks for clarification that Miss Wormwood didn't know he had ripped his pants, so she called on him to go to the board. Calvin says that's right, and Hobbes asks what he did. Calvin says he didn't have a choice, so he mooned the whole class. Hobbes asks if that's why he's home early. Calvin says that three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.

Spaceman Spiff is forced to land on planet Zok. He surveys the landscape and goes for help. It's obvious the planet is uninhabited. Spiff is marooned on a lifeless planet. Calvin looks around his classroom and sees all the empty desks. As he runs out, he wonders why no one tells him when the lunch bell rings.

Calvin asks Susie who's sitting at Miss Wormwood's desk. Susie tells him that Miss Wormwood is sick, and they have a substitute teacher. Calvin yells that he wants to see her teaching certificate.

The substitute teacher introduces herself to the class. She mentions that Miss Wormwood left instructions about what they had to go over so there wouldn't be problems. She notices a note that Miss Wormwood left. She asks which student is Calvin. He yells out "Not me".

Calvin tells Hobbes he had a substitute teacher at school. Hobbes asks if he liked her, and Calvin says he guesses so. Hobbes wonders why he "guesses". Calvin says it's hard to tell, since she went home at noon.

Calvin is reading a word problem. It asks about Mr. Jones living 50 miles away, both of you leaving home at 5:00 and driving toward each other. It lists the speeds Mr. Jones and you are traveling. It asks at what time will you and Mr. Jones pass each other on the road. Calvin replies that given the traffic around there at 5:00, who knows? He says he always catches those trick questions.

Calvin is talking to Hobbes in bed. He tells Hobbes he has a scheme to get them some money. Calvin shows Hobbes some corn kernels he stole off his dinner plate. Hobbes wonders how that will get them some money. Calvin explains that he's going to stick them under his pillow. He figures the tooth fairy won't know they're fakes until it's too late.

Calvin asks Dad how people make babies. Dad tells him most people go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin is shocked that he came from Sears. Dad consoles him by telling him he actually came as a blue light special from Kmart. Almost as good and a lot cheaper. Calvin yells. Mom calls in from the other room, wondering what Dad is telling Calvin now.

Mom puts Calvin to bed and asks if he washed his face and brushed his teeth. Calvin replies that both he and Hobbes did. After Mom leaves, Calvin and Hobbes start fighting about which side of the bed each one should be on. Calvin calls Hobbes "fuzz-for-brains". Calvin hits Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes jumps up and pounces on Calvin, who ends up in Hobbes' mouth. Calvin says Hobbes wins. Calvin makes a face and says he wishes Hobbes had brushed his teeth. Hobbes makes a face and says he wishes Calvin had washed his face.

Calvin tells Hobbes he needs to give a five minute oral report in school on Thursday. Calvin explains they're supposed to research the subject, write it up, and present it to the class with a visual aid. Hobbes says that's a big assignment. Calvin says he hates his teacher. He says she knows they'll all do it the last night, but she gave them three days to worry about it.

Hobbes asks the subject of Calvin's report. Calvin replies "the brain". Hobbes asks what Calvin knows about brains. Calvin tells him he saw a movie where a guy's brain was kept alive in a tank of water. A power surge mutated the brain, and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. Hobbes says that's informative. Calvin laments that unfortunately for his report, Mom caught him and he didn't get to see how it ended.

Calvin tells Hobbes he has to give his report on "the brain" at school. He shows Hobbes his visual aid. He cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. As Calvin walks out the door, Hobbes asks if he has written his report yet. Calvin tells him that he borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary and will write it on the bus.

Calvin is in front of his class starting his report. He explains it will be difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in five minutes, but he starts with saying it's a part of the central nervous system. He looks at his wrist watch, then says he'll wait a few moments so they can finish writing that down. The teacher yells his name.

Hobbes is eating something out of a bag. Calvin is pretending to kick and punch Hobbes. Calvin pretends to shoot at Hobbes. He pretends to explode a bomb next to Hobbes. Finally, he lies on the floor begging Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he should have saved some of his own Halloween candy.

Hobbes is sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin comes in and wants to change the channel. Hobbes tells him his show isn't over yet. Calvin replies that he always watches that program. He wonders if they can't watch Calvin's show instead. Hobbes tells him no, and to quiet down. Calvin storms off grousing about how he hates National Geographic animal specials.

Mom yells for Calvin to get ready for bed. Calvin slowly heads for bed. He says he's trapped in slow motion. Mom tells him he better get into normal speed...NOW! Suddenly, Calvin has a time snap, and off to bed he runs.

Calvin sits staring at a word problem. He contorts his face and rises from his chair. As he stalks off with his arms raised out and face grimacing, Calvin says the living dead don't need to solve word problems.

Calvin the zombie searches for food. He says the undead feed upon the living. He stops to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He then continues to stalk around with his sandwich smeared around his face, saying that in a pinch a PBJ will do if you eat it messily enough.

Calvin stalks past Hobbes with his arms out and face contorted. Hobbes looks at him strangely. Hobbes makes a face and hold his arms out. Calvin continues on. Hobbes follows him thinking "When in Rome...".

Calvin and Hobbes look at each other with their twisted faces and arms raised. They start giggling at each other, then break out into laughter. Calvin clarifies that real zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other.

Calvin is in the bath tub. He has too much bubble bath. It encases him in a bubble, and he floats to the ceiling. When he hits it, the bubble pops and down he goes. Mom comes into the bathroom and sees all the water on the floor. She asks how he did it. Calvin says those things just seem to happen.

Calvin is coming down the hill on his skateboard. Hobbes is looking at a plank set up against a rock that Calvin is using for a ramp. As Calvin reaches the plank, Hobbes jumps up on the far end. Calvin goes sailing off into the air.

Calvin ties himself up and Hobbes takes off running. Calvin is trying to fly like a kite. He crashes to the ground. Calvin thinks they need a bit more wind. Again he tries. Again he crashes. Hobbes suggests Calvin might be too heavy. Calvin wonders what he can do to make himself lighter. Mom answers a phone call from Mrs. Carroll. There is a naked kid tied to a stuffed tiger is running through her yard.

Calvin sits at his desk at home with a school book. Hobbes is looking at him. Calvin complains that he has to read the whole book by tomorrow. Calvin flips through all the pages of the book and declares it's good to get that out of the way. He hops down to look for his frisbee and go play. Hobbes says that reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension.

Hobbes is in the tree fort when Calvin yells up to have Hobbes toss down the rope ladder. Hobbes asks Calvin for the password. Calvin proclaims tigers are mean and fierce, with claws that pierce. Tigers are great and can't be beat. As Hobbes asks Calvin to keep going with the third verse, Calvin explains that since Hobbes can climb up the tree without the ladder, he got to make up the password.

Mom is sitting at the table when Calvin asks when she'll next go to shopping. Mom isn't sure and asks why he's asking. Calvin comes out with a football helmet on and pillows wrapped in front of and behind him. He tells Mom that they seem to be out of gunpowder. Calvin is then sitting on his bed, without his helmet and pillows, complaining that he didn't even do it yet.

Hobbes has Calvin by the hands and is swing him around and around. Calvin tells him to let go. Calvin ends up smashed into a tree. Hobbes asks if he's sure there is a career to be made as a "human discus". Calvin thinks they have to get a bigger field.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin tells Hobbes that he tripped a kid yesterday and he fell in the mud. Calvin says it was hilarious. Hobbes then trips Calvin into a mud puddle. Hobbes isn't sure. He thinks that kind of humor is so broad. Calvin asks for Hobbes' hand, saying he didn't do it right.

Mom gives Calvin his dinner plate, and Calvin thinks it looks gross. Mom says it's a vegetarian meal and is good for him. He makes a face and pushes the plate away. He says he's not a vegetarian. He says he's a dessertarian.

Calvin and Hobbes come to a big puddle. They jump in and splash around. They laugh and splash some more. As they walk off, Calvin notes that his underwear is soaked. It's going to itch and ride up his rear all afternoon. He says it was worth it. Hobbes says that's why he never wears the stuff.

Calvin is trying to comb his hair. Some of the hair in the back sticks out. Hobbes tells him maybe he needs a haircut. Calvin agrees, but says barbers never cut it the way he wants. Hobbes decides to cut Calvin's hair for him. Hobbes is hoping Mom will give him eight bucks for doing it.

Hobbes asks Calvin how he wants the hair cut in the back. Calvin tells him, but Hobbes wonders if he wouldn't rather have it real short. Calvin says no, but Hobbes insists the hair would look good real short. Calvin asks if Hobbes is trying to tell him something. Hobbes replies no, but that he thinks it should be real short....especially right there.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he made a mistake. Hobbes says no, he can cover it up. Calvin wants to know what he's covering up. Hobbes says he can't help it if Calvin's head has funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Calvin yells that Hobbes' head is going to have funny bumps if he doesn't tell him what he did. Hobbes replies "oops". Now, Calvin wants to know why Hobbes said "oops". Hobbes decides to try parting the hair from ear to ear.

Calvin threatens Hobbes that the haircut better look good. Hobbes tells him it looks kind of "new wave". Hobbes further explains that it's sort of "punk". Calvin wonders if that means a mohawk. Hobbes says it looks sort of like a mohawk in some places. Calvin wants a mirror. Hobbes tells him that hats are all the rage this year.

Calvin looks in the mirror and is horrified. All his hair is chopped down. He says it looks like it was cut with a weed-eater. Hobbes thinks it's nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Calvin runs away, calling Hobbes a menace. Calvin figures Mom will blow her blood vessels if she sees his hair like that. He wonders what to do. Hobbes puts a bandanna on Calvin's head. He thinks it gives Calvin the "Lawrence of Arabia" look. Calvin thinks it gives him the "lobotomy patient" look.

Calvin is in a 1940's detective outfit in his office. He's Tracer Bullet, private eye. The door opens, and in walks trouble...a brunette. Mom tells Calvin to take off his hat at the dinner table. Calvin thinks she's a pushy dame, but she has a case.

Calvin is at the museum. He transforms into a dinosaur. A tyrannosaurus is loose in the museum. Panic ensues. A guard reaches for his gun, but is messily devoured. Patrons of the arts flee for their lives. Priceless paintings are ripped to shreds, wealthy benefactors trampled, and the museum is in ruins. Dad tells Calvin they're in the other room now and to join them. Calvin has a sinister grin on his face. Dad tells Mom they better get him out of there, he has that grin again. Calvin wants to see the dinosaurs at the natural history museum. Mom tells him they spent all afternoon there.

Mom tells Calvin to remove his hat. He takes it off, and Mom shrieks that "You cut your hair!". Calvin says that he didn't, but that Hobbes did. Mom wants to know why he cut his own hair. Calvin reiterates that Hobbes cut his hair. He asks if she thinks he'd do that to himself. Mom gets an "of course I do" look on her face. Calvin then yells "Well, I didn't!"

Calvin and Hobbes are walking along when Calvin tells him that Mom said there was nothing that could be done except to wait until the hair grows out. Some barber Hobbes is. Calvin says that meanwhile, he has to walk around like he has mange. He hopes Hobbes is happy. Hobbes gets an angry expression and says he's not happy. He says that Calvin stiffed him and owes him eight bucks for the haircut. Hobbes is smiling as Calvin chases him after his remark.

Hobbes tells Calvin he didn't mean to give him a bad haircut. Calvin says that doesn't do him any good, but Hobbes says he can make it up to him. Hobbes has a yellow magic marker. Hobbes tells him he'll just draw on some hair. As he does, he says it's starting to look better already.

Hobbes tells Calvin that his hair doesn't stick up like it used to, but at least his head's yellow again. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes for getting so mad at him. He thanks Hobbes and calls him a life saver. Calvin proudly walks off to show Mom his colored head. Calvin is in the bath tub with his head lathered up. Hobbes wonders if it will come off. Calvin tells him to keep his brainy ideas to himself from now on.

Calvin is sitting at his desk writing. He writes "Calvin the Genius". Then, he adds the word "Super" before "Genius". Hobbes asks if that's how he signs his reports. Calvin replies that it kind of inclines you to read it more charitably, don't you think?

Calvin puts some ice cubes in a glass. He then places a tea bag in the glass. He looks at it, then declares his iced tea is a failure.

Calvin is in his wagon at the top of the hill. He tells Hobbes they should go down the hill and into the future. Hobbes asks how they'll do that. Calvin says that it's easy. All they have to do is go real fast and they'll time warp. Down they go, faster and faster. Hobbes wonders what the future will look like. Calvin thinks flying cars and cities on clouds. He tells Hobbes to think of the weird things they can tell people they saw. They reach the bottom of the hill, but neither of them felt any time warp. Calvin notices that it's two minutes later than when they started, so they did go into the future. Hobbes looks around and says things haven't improved, and that he's disappointed.

Calvin is dirty as he walks in the door. Mom tells him to get into the tub. Calvin obeys the letter of the law, if not its spirit. Mom yells up that she wants to hear some water running. Calvin, fully clothed, crawls back out of the tub so he can put some water in it.

Calvin walks in the door yelling that he's home. Hobbes pounces on him. They wrestle around on the floor. Calvin asks Hobbes why he does that. Hobbes replies that natural exuberance is one of the qualities that makes tigers so endearing.

Calvin yells that he's home as he dives to the floor. Hobbes flies over Calvin and out the front door. As Hobbes crashes outside, he yells that he fooled Hobbes. As he walks off thinking Hobbes is a stupid tiger, Hobbes comes leaping back in the front door. Hobbes is thinking his elapsed time for a turnaround is point eight seconds as he nears Calvin's back.

Calvin yells that he's home as he waves his hand into the house. Nothing happens. He peeks in and says "Hello?". Nothing happens. He tiptoes into the house calling Hobbes' name. Hobbes' paws are on the edge of the front door. He's been standing behind it all along. He begins a mental countdown to pounce on the unsuspecting Calvin.

Calvin peeks in the front door and says he's home. He steps in the house and says he's home in a louder voice. He walks through the house yelling that he's home. Hobbes is sitting in bed, reading a comic book. Calvin yells "WELL??". Hobbes replies "So you're home".

Calvin has a bat and ball and announces that he's stepping to the plate. The outfield heads to the bleachers. It's sure to be another home run. Calvin tosses the ball up. There's the pitch. BONK! The ball hits Calvin on the head. He wobbles along, saying the pitcher has decided to walk Calvin.

Calvin finds himself no longer in the third dimension. He's only 2D. He's thin as a sheet of paper. His feet have no surface area. Only by waving his body along the ground can he generate enough friction to move. But having width but no thickness leaves him vulnerable to gusts of wind. To avoid drafts, he pulls himself into a tube to roll across the floor. Someone is coming, so he turns sideways to hide. As thin as he is, he's nearly an invisible vertical line. Dad is lying under the kitchen sink, trying to fix something. Calvin asks if he knows why he couldn't see him all morning. Calvin explains he was two dimensional. Dad mutters that he bets Calvin can't do it all afternoon also.

Calvin is lying in bed reading his school book. Suddenly, he floats into the air. Everything in his room is floating around. He tells his teacher he couldn't read his assignment because his parents forgot to pay the gravity bill.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin asks Hobbes to make a prediction. Hobbes asks why, and Calvin replies so they can see if he has ESP. Hobbes thinks and says that Calvin will find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Calvin looks behind himself and sees a mud hole. He tells Hobbes to stay away from him. With a smile on his face, Hobbes comes closer with his paws out. He says it's going to come true, he can feel it.

Dad is washing the car, and Calvin asks how a carburetor works. Dad tells him he can't tell him. When Calvin asks why not, Dad says it's a secret. Calvin yells that it is not, that Dad just doesn't know.

Calvin, wearing a cape, says "This is a job for..." and starts to pull his cape around himself. It gets stuck. Then it trips him, and he crashes to the floor. Hobbes asks "for...?". Calvin, completely wrapped up in his cape, says "someone else".

Mom tells Calvin that it's time for bed. Calvin replies that it's a free country, and he'll do what he wants. Mom puts him to bed and walks off. Calvin yells "Communists!".

Calvin wakes up during the night and has to go to the bathroom. He knows the monsters will get him when he sets foot on the floor. Hobbes suggests putting a pillow on the floor as a decoy, then slipping out while the monsters eat the pillow. Calvin puts the pillow down and says coming out of bed, all fat and squishy. Feathers fly up as Hobbes tells him to look at the feathers fly. He tells Calvin he better hurry. Calvin hides under the blanket and says he's decided to stay and wet the bed. It's okay with Calvin if Hobbes doesn't want to stay.

Calvin tells Hobbes not to put the croquet wickets so far apart. Hobbes says that's the way they're supposed to be. Calvin calls him a cheater. Hobbes asks who took the lucky red ball when Hobbes wasn't looking. Calvin tells him he got to choose first. Hobbes replies that he always takes the lucky red ball. Calvin calls Hobbes a poop head and sticks his tongue out. Hobbes yells that Calvin is a potty mouth. Calvin comes at Hobbes saying he's looking at a toothless mouth. They start fighting as they continue to insult one another. Hobbes is called a walking flea condo. Hobbes tells Calvin to play in the food processor. Mom yells for them to come in, since it's getting dark. Calvin says they're right in the middle of a croquet game.

Calvin is transformed into a human x-ray. While this makes future medical diagnosis easier, it makes Calvin's presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal. Everyone can see his food be ground into mushy pulp and swallowed. Calvin chews up a spoon of creamed corn. Dad yells at Calvin to close his mouth when he chews. Does Calvin think they want to see that?

Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the sandbox. Calvin makes a town. Hobbes is using a steam shovel to dig a hole. Calvin takes a bulldozer and pushes thousands of barrels of nuclear toxic waste into the hole. Over the years, those deadly poisons seep into underground waterways. Calvin says the cancer rate in the nearby town triples. Hobbes, holding his stomach, walks off and tells Calvin if he wants him he'll be under the bed.

Calvin is arguing a strike call with Hobbes, the pitcher. Calvin says the pitch was four feet over his head. Hobbes replies it was a perfect pitch, but that Calvin is too short. Calvin calls Hobbes stupid and kicks dirt at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin ugly and kicks dirt at Calvin. They each kick up a big cloud of dirt. Calvin says kicking dust is the only part of the game they really like.

Hobbes tells Calvin that it's funny to tie someone's shoes together when he isn't looking. Calvin thinks that's funny and wonders what sucker they can pull it on. As Calvin starts to walk, he trips. Hobbes says "Well, well". Calvin chases Hobbes while hopping after him with his shoes tied together.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have a snack. She tells him yes. As he's walking off with the cookie jar in his arms and one in his mouth, Mom tells him he can have an apple or orange from the fridge. Calvin says they're both speaking English, but they're not speaking the same language.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree in the woods. Calvin says he loves summer vacation. He tells Hobbes he feels his brain starting to atrophy already.

Calvin has shrunk to the size of a bug to a bug. He's being chased by an enormous bug. The bug tries to step on Calvin as he runs. As he runs, he promises he'll never step on another bug if he is returned to normal size. Suddenly, the bug is gone as a giant frog eats him. Mom shrieks as a frog is put on the table. She yells for Calvin to get it off the table. Calvin replies that frogs are their friends.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's found a magic carpet. Hobbes wonders what's so magical about it. Calvin tells him you can fly them. Hobbes asks if that isn't the rug from the hallway. The rug rises up while Hobbes wants to know if this is legal and whether Calvin has a registration and insurance.

Calvin says he's never been on a magic carpet before. He tells the rug to fly up to 10,000 feet and off it zooms. Calvin thinks this is better than having Mom drive them around. He wants to go to the mall and hang out. Hobbes asks if there are complimentary bags of nuts on the flight.

Calvin decides to fly into the city to buzz Dad's office. Calvin figures he'll be surprised to see them out his 20th floor office window. Hobbes thinks he might be mad they took the hallway rug. Calvin says they wiped their feet first. Hobbes wonders if all the city mileage will hurt its resale value.

They approach Dad's building. Calvin isn't sure which office is Dad's, so they have to fly past each one. Calvin sees Dad at his desk. Calvin tries to get Dad's attention. Hobbes regrets not thinking to bring any rocks.

Calvin continues to yell to get Dad's attention, but he doesn't look up. Hobbes figures he must be busy. Calvin says they can't wait all day and decides to leave. Hobbes says they could have given him a ride home if he had noticed them. Calvin says Dad can ride the smelly old bus if he can't look out his window once in a while.

Dad arrives home, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes saw him at work. He tells him they flew by his office window on a rug. Calvin continues to tell Dad that they tried to get his attention, but that he didn't look up. Dad tells Mom he thought they were cutting down on Calvin's sugar intake.

Calvin gleefully pulls out a snowball from the freezer. Susie is playing on the sidewalk. Calvin knows she'll never expect a snowball in June. He sneaks up on her and throws. PIFF! He misses her. He starts ranting about how he had bad luck. He figures there was a cross-wind. While Calvin is complaining, Susie repacks the snowball and looks at Calvin. POW! Calvin lies on the sidewalk with his face covered in snow as Susie walks off smiling. Calvin says the irony of this is just sickening.

Calvin tells Dad 1988 isn't too far off. He tells him he better get his campaign in gear if he's running for "Dad" next year. Calvin says the polls don't look too good, and that he doesn't have much of a chance to keep the office. Dad tells him he takes comfort in the fact not many people would want the job. Calvin reminds him that flippant remarks have a way of haunting candidates.

The chameleon sits motionless. The lizard changes color to blend into his surroundings. He is soon virtually invisible. Calvin peeks over the back of the sofa as Mom yells at him from the other room. She sees him hiding there and tells him to come clean the mess he left in the kitchen.

Calvin tells Hobbes there is a monstrous horsefly on his head. He smacks him with the fly swatter. As the fly goes away, Calvin asks if Hobbes can believe he missed it. Calvin is up on a tree branch telling Hobbes he can scratch a welt next time. Hobbes waves a fly swatter at Calvin and tells him there's a mosquito on him.

Calvin asks Dad for a horsey ride. Dad tells him he's busy. Calvin reminds him that one day, he'll be grown up and Dad will wonder where all the years went. He keeps telling him that he'll think back on the days when Calvin was small enough to give horsey rides to and lament those days being lost forever. Dad gives Calvin the horsey ride. He tells Calvin that he's worked through his guilt, but Calvin wants him to jump over the fence they're approaching.

Hobbes tells Calvin that he's heard girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice, while boys are made of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails. Calvin asks what tigers are made of. Hobbes tells him dragonflies, katydids, but mostly chewed-up little kids. Calvin doesn't think that's very funny.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he has any money. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks how they can get some. They think for a little bit, then Calvin asks who Hobbes knows that they can sue.

Calvin is sitting on the pier fishing. He's complaining that it's too boring. He sees fish in the water, but they're not biting. He's not going to sit there all day waiting for them to get hungry. He and Hobbes grab a huge rock. He figures he and Hobbes can throw the rock into the water and blast the fish out. Then, they can just pick the fish up. They heave the rock into the pond. WHOOSH! A huge water splash drenches Calvin and Hobbes on the pier. Calvin tells Hobbes that it was a bad idea, but that he got wet too. Hobbes grabs Calvin to toss him into the water. Hobbes says the idea was good, but they didn't throw a big enough object into the water.

Calvin puts his hands together and asks if he could....please. He tries saying please with doe eyes. He's standing in front of a mirror. Hobbes tells him that giving Mom "Bambi eyes" isn't going to get her to give him a flamethrower. Calvin thinks sniffling a bit might help, also.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Hobbes says it's a perfect day. They lie there looking around. After a bit, Calvin tells Hobbes that if something doesn't happen soon, he's going to wack out.

Calvin points out a firefly to Hobbes. Calvin clenches his teeth and bends forward. He looks at his rear end. Hobbes tells him his rear wasn't lit, if that's what he was wondering. Calvin says he can't even tell what muscle to flex.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see an antelope. They race over to where Calvin is playing. He tells Hobbes she's coming down the ladder to her boyfriend's car. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's not laughing. With arms crossed, Hobbes tells Calvin it's not funny.

Hobbes tells Calvin that tomorrow is Independence Day. He explains that everyone is created equal and is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Calvin wants to know when Paul Revere rides through town giving them their presents.

Dad is sitting in his chair reading the paper. He hears a bang from the other room. Calvin races in, climbs up on the arm of the chair, and makes the bullet bounce off him. He races off saying "up, up and awaaayy".

Spaceman Spiff fights the controls of his spacecraft. He crashes on an alien planet. He's marooned on a hostile planet. He sees there is no hope for food and water. A hideous alien approaches. In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster. The monster hands Spiff a sandwich and some lemonade. Mom tells him to bring the dishes in when he's done.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying in bed. Calvin is sleeping. Hobbes looks over and touches Calvin on the head, saying "Tag". Calvin tells Hobbes the game is over and calls him tuna brain.

Calvin tells Mom that someone told him rotten eggs smell bad. Mom confirms they smell terrible. Calvin walks away. Without moving, Mom adds that Calvin should put them back.

Calvin carries his tricycle to the front door and puts it on the floor. He rides into the kitchen. He stops at the counter where Mom is standing and asks for eight cookies to go, please. Mom yells that this isn't a drive-through and to put his tricycle back in the garage.

Calvin runs into the house telling Mom aliens landed in the back yard and want to talk with her. He offers to guard the cookies while she goes out. He tells her to hurry. Mom asks Calvin how dumb he thinks she is.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the key to happiness. He suggests money, power, or fame. Calvin says he's choose money. With that, he could buy power and fame and have it all. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. Hobbes supposes that's one way to define it. Calvin goes on to say the part he'd like best is crushing people who get in his way.

Calvin shows Hobbes a patch of newly poured cement. Hobbes asks if anyone is watching. He mentions they could write their initials in the cement, make a hand print, or something. Calvin likes the "or something" part. They walk off looking for a water hose. Hobbes didn't think it would set up so fast. They both have cement hanging from their rear ends.

Hobbes thinks he saw a tentacle under the bed. Monsters. Calvin turns on the light to shrivel up the monsters. Calvin suggests opening the doors to the closet and drawers to get the monsters there. As they pull open the dresser drawers, Calvin says no monsters are going to get them tonight. He tells them to wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature. Dad opens the bedroom door and asks what's going on. Calvin tells him monsters could be anywhere. Dad yells for Calvin to get back in bed or he'll have something other than monsters to worry about. After he leaves, Calvin suggests that what they need is a way to make Dad shrivel up.

Susie asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin shushes her quiet. He and Hobbes are having a water fight. Susie asks if she can play. Calvin scoffs at her saying war is a manly art. She supposes anything that idiotic must have to be. She asks if she can play or not. Calvin thinks she might prefer making smart remarks.

Susie again asks Calvin if she can join their water fight. She has her own water pistol at home. Calvin says it's alright, but she'll have to fight against both Calvin and Hobbes. Susie happily runs off saying she can beat him and his stuffed tiger any day. Calvin tells Hobbes that Susie is going to join them. Hobbes is wearing a pair of trunks and thinks girls flip for guys in Jams.

Susie comes over with her water gun. She sees Hobbes and thinks he's cute wearing his Jams. She gives him a squeeze. Calvin tells her to quit it and to go around the house to count till 50. Then, they'll start. Calvin scolds Hobbes for his Jams. He reminds him they're at war. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, tells Calvin he's just jealous. Hobbes says Susie is a babe.

Calvin lays out the strategy to Hobbes. They'll split up with one of them going around the house in each direction. Calvin will draw Susie's fire, then Hobbes will sneak up from behind and hit her with a water balloon. Susie sneaks around the house, finding Hobbes sitting there with a water balloon. She thanks him for the water balloon and for being a great double agent.

Calvin charges Susie, squirting her with his water pistol. He stops when he notices she has Hobbes' water balloon. BLOOSH! Calvin gets smacked with the balloon. A dripping Calvin promises Hobbes he'll hang for this and calls him a traitor. Hobbes defends himself by declaring he's easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit.

Calvin continues to complain to Hobbes, who is standing with arms crossed and a stern look on his face. Calvin says his best friend betrayed him, and he got soaked with his teammate's own water balloon. Calvin calls him a Benedict Arnold. Hobbes says he'd do it again. Susie likes his Jams. Calvin tells him not to talk to him. Hobbes sticks his tongue out at Calvin and says "Promises, promises". Susie walks over to Calvin, who is lying on the ground with Hobbes lying on top of him. Calvin tells Susie to get the traitor off of him, and that he cheats when he fights, too.

Calvin sees a can on the ground. He complains that if people aren't burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons, they're throwing trash everywhere. Hobbes declares that there are times when it's a source of personal pride not to be human. They walk along, then Calvin takes his clothes off. They continue to walk as Calvin says "I'm with you".

Calvin is telling Hobbes the long summer days are great. There are no responsibilities, and they have the whole day to themselves. He asks Hobbes if he wishes it could be like that all year, no school, no job, no anything. Hobbes looks at Calvin with a smile on his face. As Hobbes skips merrily away, Calvin yells to him "Just gloat about it, why don't you".

Calvin asks Dad what clouds are made of. He tells Calvin mostly water. Calvin then wonders why clouds float. Dad says they're mostly evaporated water. Calvin asks why clouds are white, instead of blue. Dad says he doesn't know, and that they should look it up. Calvin says he takes it there are no qualifying exams to be a Dad.

Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Calvin says sleeping with the fan on is one of the best things about summer. The gentle breeze blowing, the droning hum, everything's safe and serene when the fan is on. He says it's cool and lulling and perfect for sleep. He then leans over to Hobbes and says that it's almost enough to forget he has a heavy fur coat for a bunkmate. Hobbes tells him that if he doesn't like it, there's plenty of room on the floor.

Calvin asks Mom about the greenhouse effect. He explains that he's heard about the pollution trapping the sun's heat and melting the polar ice caps. He tells her that she'll be gone when it happens, but he won't. Mom says this is from the kid who wants to be chauffeured any place more than one block away. Calvin proclaims no one had told him about the ice caps before.

Calvin tells Dad that his polls are at an all-time low. Dad tells him that's food for thought. He then says Calvin should think about the fact that it costs $100,000 to raise a kid till 18. That's a lot of money. Dad asks Calvin to think about whether that money should be considered a gift or a loan. Calvin scurries off and says he gets the message.

Calvin picks up the ringing phone. The caller asks to speak with Dad. Calvin tells the caller to be his guest. They don't need his permission. Calvin walks away saying the caller is a weirdo. The phone rings again.

Calvin asks Hobbes to put him on his shoulders so he can climb into a tree. Hobbes asks how many bricks he has in his pockets. Calvin tells him to hold steady. Hobbes tells him to hurry up before his spine telescopes. Calvin is hanging from a branch. He asks Hobbes to help hold him up. Hobbes takes off Calvin's shoes and starts tickling him. Calvin falls from the tree. He lands on Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he's paralyzed. Calvin replies that he's not sorry at all and to give his shoes back.

As they ride down the hill in the wagon, Calvin can't believe how dull his life is. Nothing ever changes. As they fly into the air after the wagon crashes into the stream, Calvin says everybody but him gets to have an exciting life. Hobbes shakes water out of his ear and says he'd like a little less excitement in his. Calvin accuses Hobbes of doing fun things when he's not around.

Mom asks Calvin why he's still in bed. Calvin replies that he doesn't feel good. Mom says his forehead seems warm and decides to take his temperature. Calvin says he can't be sick. It's summer vacation and there is no school to stay home from. This is his time. He yells that somebody owes him big for this.

The doctor is seeing Calvin. He tells Calvin he understands he's not feeling well. Calvin retorts that he's fine. He sits around torture chambers in his underwear for kicks. He asks to see the doctor's degree and calls him a quack. The doctor says he isn't going to hurt Calvin. He just wants to examine him. Calvin says that what's wrong is that he has Dr. Frankenstein for a pediatrician. The doctor whispers to the nurse to call the anesthesiologist. Calvin tells him his Dad is a lawyer and not to come near him.

Spaceman Spiff is in a dungeon on the planet Zog. A guard leads Spiff to the interrogation room. The inquisitor says he finally gets to meet the famed Spaceman Spiff. He trusts Spiff is enjoying his visit. Spiff calls him a maggot from Mars and says he'll never give in. Calvin is hiding behind the scale with the doctor on his knees telling Calvin not to make him recant his Hippocratic oath.

As they drive home, Mom tells Calvin he was a terror at the doctor's office. Calvin says he didn't get a shot because he fended the doctor off with a tongue depressor. Mom says he didn't need a shot and that his behavior was inexcusable. Calvin is just glad that the doctor couldn't get close enough to stick him. He says the doctor thinks he's a pink pin cushion in underpants. Mom tells Calvin she hopes he has a kid one day who puts him through the same things he's putting her through. Calvin replies that Grandma says that's what she used to tell Mom.

Calvin is playing on the beach. He builds a proud city, full of prosperous citizens. Calvin says they're unaware the moon has moved a few miles closer to the earth. They're unaware until the tide comes in. A big wave comes in and crashes into the sand city.

Calvin wants to cook the hamburgers on the grill, but the coals aren't hot enough yet. Calvin tells Dad he wants to eat now. Dad explains sometimes the anticipation of getting something is sometimes better than when you get it. Dad looks out at the woods and says it's nice to sit looking while the coals get hot. He says dinner will be over soon and they'll be distracted by other things. They have a few moments by themselves to enjoy the evening. He says it's good they have to wait for something every now and then. Calvin looks out, then asks whether he should go to McDonald's or what.

Calvin is dressed like an Indian, armed with bow and arrow. Hobbes has an arrow hit right next to him. He walks over to Calvin, who shrugs his shoulders innocently. Hobbes sticks Calvin up high on the side of the house with the arrow.

Calvin tells Hobbes it's a perfect day. He's on summer vacation and can enjoy the day with no school or responsibilities. He and Hobbes sniff the air. Then, Calvin complains there is nothing on TV but repeats.

Calvin stops and says he thinks a bee landed on his back. Calvin asks Hobbes to look, since he doesn't want to move. Hobbes tells him it's not a bee. Calvin wipes his brow as Hobbes says that's a hornet if he ever saw one. Just then, it stings Calvin and he jumps into the air in pain. He then chases Hobbes.

As Calvin and Hobbes go down the hill in the wagon, Calvin asks Hobbes what three wishes he would make. Hobbes says that would be a tough decision. He figures he'd have to think about it a little while. The wagon flies off the hill, Calvin and Hobbes flying into the air. Hobbes says he knows what his first wish would be.

The bat is a marvel of evolution. Producing high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the delay in the sound's echo. No movement escapes the senses of the bat. Calvin flips some food into his mouth from the restaurant table. His eyes are closed. Dad scolds Calvin to sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized being.

Calvin yawns and hops out of bed. The covers reach out and grab him. They pull him back into bed. Mom comes in and tells him to get out of bed. They're going to be late. Calvin says he's trying.

Hobbes hits the ball, and Calvin chases him to tag him out. Hobbes runs off the basepath. He keeps running through the woods. Calvin chases him saying he can't run anywhere he wants. Calvin continues to chase Hobbes and yells that he'd have been out if they had a first baseman. Hobbes replies that they don't and sticks his tongue out at Calvin. Finally, Calvin catches Hobbes and tackles him in a big cloud of dust. Hobbes gets up and says he's still up to bat. He says two-man baseball is a real sport. Calvin says it's a real sport for idiots. He says the next time he'll tag Hobbes out with a bat instead of the ball.

Calvin cheerily tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad are taking them camping. He says they'll live in a tent, go fishing and canoeing. He thinks that will be fun. He goes on to say there'll be no TV, no radio. They'll be living off the land. Then he stops and decides this sounds suspiciously like one of Dad's plots to build his character.

Calvin is sitting in the back seat of the car. He says it's going to be a fun vacation. He can't wait to get there. There will be a whole week of fishing, swimming, hiking, and canoeing. Mom sits angrily in the front seat saying there will be a week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of coffee. Calvin asks if Mom likes camping. Dad says Mom was up a little too late last night packing.

As the family rows their canoe, Dad points out the island they'll be camping at. Dad happily tells about the fresh air, clean water and plenty of exercise. BOOM! Rain comes pouring down. Dad tells Mom that she's backpedaling. Mom says they're turning around and finding a hotel.

Calvin asks when the rain is going to let up. Mom doesn't know. Dad says to cheer up, he's brought storm gear. He talks about how great the ponchos are, what they're made of, and how they'll be protected from the rain. Calvin thinks it's great they won't get any wetter than they already are. Dad is still looking for the storm gear. He finds the duffel bag with sun tanning lotion.

Calvin is glad Dad got the tents set up. He is getting out of his wet clothes. He tells Hobbes it's too bad he can't put on dry clothes. Hobbes arches his back while Calvin yells for him not to do that in the tent. Hobbes shakes the water from his coat, resoaking Calvin.

Dad is standing in the rain when Calvin comes out. Dad says he's a trooper. He asks what's a little rain. Dad says at least it's not snowing. Calvin dejectedly looks at the ground while Dad says "Right?". Dad continues on to say he meant snowing so they couldn't light a fire. Calvin says he loves cold, canned ravioli.

Hobbes asks if it's still raining. Calvin tells him it's been raining for days. Hobbes says they'll need a vacation after this vacation. Calvin can't believe Dad went out fishing. Hobbes says he's a fanatic. Calvin thinks it may be because they're out of packaged food. He worries they'll starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. Hobbes says that after all that Spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. Calvin tells him that if he ever gets home, he'll never go outside again. Dad is just pulling the boat onto the shore saying Calvin is lucky because Dad never got to do this stuff when he was a kid. Then he yells to Calvin to see if he wants to learn how to gut a fish.

Calvin is swimming in the lake as rain continues to fall. Hobbes is on shore in a raincoat. He asks Calvin how the water is. Calvin tells his it's freezing. He has Hobbes hand him a towel. He wrings it out, then starts to dry himself as the rain continues to fall. As they walk back in the rain, Calvin says this is the dumbest vacation he's ever been on.

Calvin and Dad are fishing in the boat as the rain continues to fall. Dad says it hasn't been very buggy this week. Calvin tells him he's really reaching.

Dad is packing up the gear to leave. He says it's been a rotten week, and he's had enough. The rain stops, and the sun shines through the clouds. Dad slaps himself in the forehead. Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows what the words Dad said meant. Hobbes doesn't, but he wrote them down so they can look them up when they get home.

Driving home, Dad says he's sorry the weather wasn't better that week. He knows it wasn't fun, but they lived through it, they got to spend time together, and that's really what counts. He says he hopes they're not too disappointed. Mom says any judge would take this trip as grounds for a divorce.

Calvin asks Dad to get the ball down from the gutter again. Dad says this is the third time today. He had told Calvin to play out back. Calvin tells Dad to relax. It's only a ball in the gutter. He hasn't been embezzling money or killing people. Calvin always has to help Dad establish the proper context.

Calvin yells up to Hobbes in the tree fort to let down the rope ladder. Hobbes insists Calvin give the rest of the password. Calvin thinks five verses extolling tigers is enough. Hobbes won't do it. Calvin starts calling him names, and Hobbes tells him he'll have to start over with the password if he continues. So Calvin goes through verse six. Hobbes tells him he's not doing the dance.

Calvin sneezes and flies into the stratosphere. He breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls out past the moon. As he passes out of the galaxy, he realizes the importance of covering one's mouth to defect the propulsion. That knowledge comes too late for Calvin, the human satellite. Wait, he feels another sneeze coming so he turns himself around. The second sneeze rockets him back to earth. He's safe. Mom tells Calvin "God bless you". Calvin replies "He does".

Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Calvin says the end of summer is always hard on him, cramming in all the goofing off he's been meaning to do.

Calvin asks Dad why he's still home. Dad tells him he took the day off. Calvin looks horrified. He asks to see the classified section of the newspaper. Dad tells him he can have it when he's done. Calvin wants to see it right away and asks Dad if he'd rather read the editorials. Dad starts reading an ad. New Dad wanted, frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must. Contact Calvin during normal work hours.

Calvin yells that he doesn't want to take a bath. He hates taking baths. He runs yelling down the hall. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he yells "no" over and over. He's finally in the tub. He says they can make him do it, but they can't make him do it with dignity.

Calvin reaches into his pocket and pulls out something sticky. It gets all over his hands. He says he can't tell his gum from his Silly Putty.

Calvin is jumping rope. He goes faster and faster. Hobbes comes up behind him with a stick in his hands. He puts the stick in the way of Calvin's jump rope and he gets all tangled up.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's never going to get married. Hobbes thinks he would, if the right person came along. Hobbes is looking for someone with green eyes, a nice laugh, and that he can call "pooty pie". Either that or "bitsy pookums". Calvin thinks that would affect his stomach more than his heart.

Calvin has his dinner on the plate. He stabs it with his fork, makes funny faces at it, sniffs it, tastes it, acts like it's gagging him, takes a drink, shakes his head trying to get the taste out of his mouth. He finally says he tried it, and it almost killed him. Mom and Dad applaud, saying "Bravo" and "Encore". Calvin thinks he should run away to Alaska.

Calvin wants to know if Hobbes wants to go time traveling with him. He has built a time machine. It's a box with "time machine" written on the side. Hobbes says it looks like his transmogrifier. Calvin says it does "to the inattentive, brainless layman". He points out that you crawl in the bottom of the transmogrifier, whereas you crawl in the top of the time machine.

Hobbes asks whether they're going to the past or the future. Calvin weighs the choices. If he goes to the past, he can ace some history tests at school. If they go to the future, they can swipe something to bring back. They'll claim they invented it and be rich. Off to the future they go. Calvin figures he can hire someone to take his tests when he's rich.

Calvin tells Hobbes to put on his goggles, and they'll be ready to go. Hobbes wants to know why he needs goggles. Calvin explains time travel is not like driving down the street. There are vortexes and light speeds to contend with. Anything could go wrong. Of course they need goggles. Hobbes tries to get out by saying his goggles are in the bedroom. He tells Calvin to leave without him if he isn't back in a couple minutes. Calvin tells him to sit down. He has Hobbes' goggles.

Calvin pushes the button and off they go. Up, up and away. They approach light speed. Hobbes has to go to the bathroom. Now? Calvin can't believe it. He tells Hobbes they're in hyperspace. Is Hobbes crazy?

Hobbes wonders what year in the future they'll land. Calvin thinks it will be around the turn of the century. Hobbes hopes the earth is still around then, he's gotten attached to it. Calvin says if it isn't, he's going back to the present to see if Dad will give him his college tuition early in cash.

They're coming in for a landing. They look around. So this is the future. It looks like they're on a tropical beach. Hobbes pictured more buildings. Calvin guesses they may have landed in an arboretum.

Calvin and Hobbes are lost in the woods. If Hobbes had known they'd get lost, he'd have brought a coloring book. Calvin thinks they should forage for shelter. They'll be modern Robinson Crusoes. Hobbes says they can be rugged explorers. Calvin notes they'll be free from the constraints of civilization. Hobbes looks over and notices their back yard. Mom tells Calvin she doesn't care how long he'll be gone, she's only packing one sandwich. Calvin asks if they have any rifles.

Calvin climbs out of his time machine. They're going to look around. They'll probably run into a robot or something. Hobbes picks up something egg-shaped. Calvin thinks it's some type of transportation pod. Hobbes can't figure out how to get in it. Calvin notices there are no numbers or doors on it. As Calvin ponders the peculiar item, Hobbes asks if Calvin has ever seen a tree this color. He's looking at what appears to be a giant leg.

Calvin admits the future looks a bit different from what he expected. Hobbes says the breeze is hot and muggy. He thought they'd have figured out a way to control weather by now. Calvin says the air stinks, too. Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever felt like he's being monitored. Hobbes adds "or that you're about to do a double-take". Behind them is the face of a dinosaur looking at them.

They see a huge brachiosaur standing behind them. Off they run to the time machine. Calvin suggests they must have gone backward in time instead of forward. Hobbes asks if it was the dinosaur that tipped him off. They jump into the time machine, and Calvin tells Hobbes to face the other way to they go forward in time instead of backward. Hobbes asks Calvin if the reason they went back in time was because they were facing the wrong way. Calvin shouts back that he doesn't have a Triple-A map. He suggests maybe Hobbes would like to steer.

They're now flying forward in time. Calvin sees they're approaching the present. He asks if Hobbes wants to go forward in time like they planned, or did he want to stop. Hobbes has had enough time traveling. He opts for home. Calvin tries to convince Hobbes to go a little into the future to see what Calvin is like as a teenager. Hobbes doesn't want any part of that.

Mom is gardening when Calvin comes over and tells her he and Hobbes went time traveling to the Jurassic period today. She asks what it was like. Calvin tells her it was scary, and they almost got eaten by a dinosaur. Calvin admits they were trying to go to the future, but made a mistake. Mom is glad he made it back. Hobbes is surprised that didn't faze Mom at all. Calvin reminds him that she didn't take the frogs in the toilet.

Calvin runs over to Dad yelling that the sun is setting, and it's only three o'clock. Dad tells him it's not three o'clock, his watch had stopped. Calvin asks if time doesn't stop when your watch stops. Dad tells him no. Dejectedly, Calvin walks off. He thought he'd be able to get rich patenting the thing.

Calvin has construction paper feather hanging off him. He tells Hobbes he's going to fly. Hobbes asks Calvin that if paper feathers were all that were needed, wouldn't they have heard about it before now. Calvin tells him it takes an uncommon mind to think of these things. Hobbes agrees with that. They come to a gorge. Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to jump off. Calvin tells him he'll need momentum, so he wants Hobbes to throw him off the edge. Hobbes tells Calvin he assumes no responsibility for this. Calvin isn't worried, he gets the patent. Hobbes heaves Calvin into the air. Calvin yells that he's flying. But down he falls into the gorge. Hobbes yells down for "Orville" not to sell the bike shop. Calvin tells him to shut up and to get him some antiseptic.

Calvin is in his room, which is all messed up. He's complaining to Hobbes that Mom wants him to clean his room. He feels that's the last straw. He decides to secede. Hobbes isn't sure he can do that. Calvin doesn't know why not. He never asked to join the group. He wasn't even consulted. He says the only reason Mom and Dad are his parents is because he was born to them. Hobbes thinks this may be a biological conspiracy.

Calvin says they can live anywhere they want since they're seceding from the family. Calvin wonders where to go, Antarctica, the Sahara. Hobbes reminds him they can't get to those places. They don't have a car. Calvin decides to try a magic act with Dad. All he needs is an American Express card and Dad's eyes to be closed.

Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes and he are seceding from the family. Calvin says they're taking his sled and moving to the Yukon. Mom says that's a long way away. Calvin knows, that's why he's got a list of supplies and sandwiches he needs from her. Mom asks why she should do any of that if he's seceding from the family. Calvin replies that he hasn't seceded yet. He wonders what kind of Mom she is.

Calvin finishes packing. They're ready to go. Hobbes asks if Calvin has a map. Calvin looks for one and asks Mom if they have a road map of the Yukon. She doubts it. Finally, Calvin and Hobbes look at a globe. They find the Yukon. Hobbes finds the United States and comments on how close they are. He figures the trip will take no time at all.

Calvin says so long to Mom. He says it's been nice living there, but not real nice. They're off to the Yukon. Calvin has his space helmet on and is dragging his sled. Calvin and Hobbes are walking along. Mom yells for Calvin. Calvin stops, saying "leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye". She walks up and tells him they're heading southeast. North is the other way. Calvin says that he knew that.

Hobbes complains the sled is heavy. He thought they'd ride it most of the way to the Yukon. Calvin tells Hobbes they've only been walking twenty minutes. He doesn't think they'll get to northern Canada until that afternoon. They decide to take a break. Calvin pulls out Captain Nitro. Hobbes wants a sandwich. Calvin tells him they only have one apiece. He thinks they should save them in case they can't catch a walrus.

Since they're taking a break, Calvin decides to record their progress in the log. They've traveled twenty minutes, but no snow yet. Hobbes adds that food supplies are low. Calvin writes morale is high as they push north. Hobbes says his morale would be higher if Calvin carried the toboggan. Calvin says he's the leader of the expedition. Hobbes wants to take a turn as leader. Calvin says he can't, because Calvin has the commander hat. Hobbes tells him he can remedy that. They have a big fight. Hobbes ends up with the helmet. Calvin demands the hat back, but Hobbes says he's the captain now. He makes the commands. He then immediately decrees double rations for officers to aid their decision-making capabilities. Calvin yells the last sandwich is his.

Calvin refuses to be led by Hobbes. He accuses Hobbes of having stolen his captain helmet. Hobbes agrees Calvin gave it to him under extreme duress. Calvin says if Hobbes were littler than him, he'd pound Hobbes. Hobbes holds Calvin's head at arm's length and taunts him that Mom said he had a weird disease that would cause him to get smaller as he got older. Calvin yells that isn't true. Hobbes continues to say he's seen a contract from the circus side show Mom has. Calvin covers his ears and says he's not listening. He starts singing the Star-Spangled Banner.

Calvin says if he can't lead, he won't go at all. He tells Hobbes to go to the Yukon alone. As captain, Hobbes fires Calvin. Calvin says he's going home. Hobbes reminds him that he seceded from his family. He doesn't have a home. Horrified, Calvin stops. He hits his forehead and says his life needs a rewind/erase button. Hobbes adds that it needs a volume control also.

Calvin heads home wondering what will happen if Mom and Dad don't take him back into the family. He figures they have to take him back since he's their stupid kid. He thinks that's right as he marches on. Then he adds that the operative word is "stupid".

Calvin ponders whether Mom and Dad sold all his belongings when he seceded. Maybe they rented out his room. Maybe they moved. Calvin starts running home saying lots can happen when you've been gone all morning. He yells for Mom.

Calvin peeks his head in the door and tells Mom he changed his mind about seceding. He wants to be her kid again. Mom says he'll always be her kid, and that she's glad he's home. Calvin tells her Hobbes was being a moron, so Calvin decided he didn't want to live with him in the Yukon. Mom asks where Hobbes is. Calvin asks if he isn't home. Mom asks how Hobbes could get home on his own. Calvin decides she's right. Hobbes couldn't find his way out of an empty room.

Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. He asks where Hobbes is. Mom guesses he's wherever Calvin left him. Calvin is worried. It's night out, and Hobbes is in the woods alone. Mom scolds him about leaving his belongings. Calvin scrambles around looking for a flashlight. He's worried about finding Hobbes. Out the door he goes with flashlight on. Mom yells after him that it's bedtime, and he isn't going to pull this stunt now.

Out in the woods, Mom tells Calvin it's too late to look for Hobbes. Calvin is concerned for Hobbes' well-being. Mom tells him he should have thought of that before it got dark. Calvin replies that he thought Hobbes would come home. He didn't think he'd get lost. Mom says they'll look for Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin is sniffling as they enter their home. Calvin says he hopes Hobbes would come back. Mom tells Dad that Calvin is upset. Dad bets so. Mom says Calvin is real upset. Dad reiterates that he bets so. Mom gets right next to Dad and says Calvin is REALLY UPSET. Dad gets it. Out he goes, flashlight in hand, to look for Hobbes. He's grumbling that his Dad wouldn't have done this for him, because he wasn't spoiled like this.

Dad comes back in around midnight. He has Hobbes in his hand. Dad says he found Hobbes with the toboggan. Mom thanks him and says Calvin will be so happy. Dad says Calvin better be, or tomorrow he'll leave him in the woods. Mom tucks Hobbes into bed with Calvin so he will see him first thing in the morning. Calvin is snuggled into bed, and Mom calls him a little angel. Dad says that's only at night.

Calvin awakens to find Hobbes. They say how glad they are to see each other. Calvin asks if Hobbes got scared in the woods at night. Hobbes denies that and says he got bored, so he came back. Calvin runs in to show Mom that Hobbes came back. She tells him that Dad found him last night and brought him in. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says "Is that so". Mom says yes and suggests he go thank Dad right now.

Susie comes over with Mr. Bun to play house. She and Calvin can be the parents, Mr. Bun and Hobbes the children. Calvin doesn't like that idea. He tells Susie he's not going to drop his big plans with Hobbes so he can play with a stuffed rabbit. Susie angrily says she doesn't know why he always plays with his tiger and never with her and Mr. Bun. She says he's just mean. Calvin dismisses Susie by telling her to go play in a microwave. Calvin tells Hobbes girls are like slugs. They probably serve a purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

Uh, oh. Calvin wakes up without any distinguishing features, except for two antennae. He oozes out of bed on a trail of slime. Without arms or legs, how will he put on his clothes? Mom asks Calvin if he's dressed yet. He's so sluggish in the morning.

Hobbes asks Calvin where he's going with the toy telephone. Calvin tells him he's going out into the woods. Hobbes asks what he's going to do. Calvin replies that he's going to try some bird calls. Hobbes wraps the phone around Calvin.

Calvin runs and jumps onto a leaf pile. The leaf pile grabs Calvin and tries to eat him. Calvin reaches out of the pile and grabs the rake. Calvin attacks the arboreal menace and beats on the leaf pile. He tells the sinister fiend it won't be tricking other innocent kids. He spreads the leaves all over the yard. Inside the house, Mom asks Dad if he wasn't going to rake the yard. Dad replies that he did. It took all afternoon. Then, he turns with his eyes bulging and asks where Calvin is.

Mom tells Calvin that she and Dad are going to a movie. Calvin asks if he can come. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not, does he have the plague? Mom says other people like to watch movies without hearing advice being shouted to the characters on the screen. Calvin asks who does that? Is she saying he does that?

Calvin tells Hobbes that since Mom and Dad are going to the movie, they're on their own. Hobbes asks if they can watch TV. Calvin figures what Mom and Dad don't know won't hurt them. Calvin suggests that after Mom and Dad leave, they get in the other car and learn to drive. Hobbes wants to beep the horn. Hobbes looks out the window and sees a teenager coming up the drive. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified. He can't understand why Mom and Dad wouldn't trust him. He decides to hide.

Mom leaves and tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs. Dad hopes he's not too much trouble tonight. Rosalyn tells them not to worry. She brought a cattle prod this time. Calvin starts climbing out the window. Hobbes tells him Mom and Dad laughed, so it might have been a joke. Calvin isn't taking chances. He thinks Mom and Dad may think scorching little kids is fun. He keeps going down.

Rosalyn knocks on the bedroom door. She tells Calvin they can make some popcorn. She looks in and sees the sheets tied together going out the window. She looks out the window and sees Calvin. She yells for him to come back inside. Calvin yells back that if she wants him, she'll have to catch him. Calvin says she's wearing cleats and takes off running with Hobbes.

Rosalyn catches Calvin and herds him back to the house. She tells him no more monkey business. She tells him it's her job to watch him, and she's going to do it even if she has to tie him to a chair. She asks if he gets it. Calvin clicks his heels, sticks his arm out in salute, and says "Jawohl, mein Fuehrer". She grabs him by the collar and asks if he'd care to repeat that last comment. He tells her he said he wasn't going anywhere.

Calvin comes home and is attacked by Hobbes. They fight for some time. Finally, they're both exhausted. As Calvin walks by Mom, she asks what happened to him if he didn't get in a fight at school. Calvin replies that sometimes, he wishes he had a gerbil.

Calvin tells Dad that he's repeating everything anyone says. Dad asks if he is. Calvin mimics Dad. Dad tells him to quit it, that's very annoying. Calvin mimics him. Dad says he forfeits all desserts for the week. Calvin says give them to him. Dad tells Calvin to go bother Mom for a while.

During a test at school, Calvin asks Susie the answer to question four is. She replies "Imadoofus". Calvin writes it down. He then thinks about it. He makes a fist and tells Susie the tooth fairy is going to make her rich tonight.

Calvin asks to see what Susie drew for art class. Calvin sees a tidy, domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Calvin accuses girls of thinking small and being preoccupied with petty details. Boys, on the other hand, think about action and accomplishment. Calvin says it's no wonder it's men who change the world. Susie asks what he drew. Calvin proudly shows a squadron of B-1s nuking New York.

Calvin asks if he and Hobbes can rent a VCR and a tape. Mom doesn't think so, it's a school night. Calvin asks if he could if the tape was educational. When Mom asks what tape that would be, Calvin replies "Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained". Up in his bed, Calvin complains that now Mom won't even let them into the store. Hobbes thinks they would learn a lot by watching that movie.

Calvin is playing with a toy truck. He yells that no one better be sneaking up on him. Then, WHUMP! Hobbes lands on Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin it's hard to change direction in mid-air. Calvin threatens that he's going to change a lot more than his direction.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the woods. The twigs snap and crack under their feet. A breeze blows up and churns some leaves. They shuffle and crunch their way through the leaves. Calvin says it's sometimes good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.

Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of planet X-13. He looks for an avenue of escape as he's led through the dungeon. He's brought before the Zorg despot. The leader has been waiting for this moment. He tells Spiff he has information they want. If Spiff cooperates, they'll kill him painlessly. Calvin asks the twisted space crustacean what he wants. The reply is "a summary of Lewis and Clark's expedition to the Pacific". Calvin tells Miss Wormwood that wild Zontars couldn't drag that information out of him. Miss Wormwood asks if he didn't read his assignment.

Calvin is playing with a ball on the playground. Moe comes over and pushes Calvin to the ground. Moe walks off laughing. Calvin says that people who are nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

Hobbes tells Calvin he looks down in the dumps. Calvin explains that Moe keeps knocking him down for no reason. Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad he's an animal. Animals sometimes make more sense than people do. Hobbes adds that they're cuter, too.

Calvin asks Hobbes to come to school with him and show Moe a little fang. Calvin doesn't want Hobbes to kill him, just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. Calvin decides they should do it at recess. He asks Hobbes if he has rabies. Hobbes indignantly says no. Calvin is disappointed, but he figures Moe would have to at least get a tetanus shot.

Susie asks Calvin why he brought his stuffed tiger to school. Calvin tells her Hobbes is going to give Moe a "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Susie asks how that will happen. Calvin says she probably doesn't want to know if she has an aversion to descriptions of carnage. Susie tells him that talking with him is the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience.

Moe comes up to Calvin in the playground and notices the "teddy bear". Calvin corrects him about it being a tiger and calls Moe a brainless invertebrate. Moe says maybe he'd like to play with the "teddy". Calvin says that's a good idea. He tells him Hobbes plays rough, but he's lots of fun. He invites Moe to take Hobbes. Moe, suspecting something, looks around for a teacher. He asks if this is a trick. He says he's not touching his "teddy". Calvin dares him. He calls Moe a chicken. Moe leaves. Calvin tells Hobbes that he scared him away. He hugs Hobbes. Hobbes angrily yells to Moe to come call him a "bear" again.

As Calvin enters his house, Mom tells him she called his teacher to put a stop to Moe's bullying. Calvin tells her she wasted her time. He tells her that when Moe saw Hobbes, he almost lost his lunch. Calvin figures Moe will leave him alone now. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. Mom says "and what lucky moms those other kids have". Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'll loan Calvin a buck, he'll buy him a comic book.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin is complaining that you can't enjoy autumn Sundays because you have to go to school the next day. The leaves changing color remind him that summer is over and school has begun. Hobbes likes this season best of all. He says the leaves are like nature's fireworks. As he continues saying how he likes the brisk air and the early evenings, he notices Calvin is fuming. He stops talking, and they walk along silently. Finally, Hobbes looks at the trees and describes the fireworks sounds. Calvin angrily reaches for some apples on the ground and tells Hobbes he didn't mention fresh applesauce. Does he like it?

In the school cafeteria, Calvin tells Susie processed lunch meat is scary. He asks what the little specks are, lizard parts? Who knows? He peels the "skin" off the meat and tells Susie he heard it used to be intestine, but he thinks it nowadays is plastic. He tells her they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. Calvin eats a Twinkie and says if it wasn't for those, he'd probably be dead now. Susie puts her head down and says her mom wonders why she's so hungry after school.

Calvin has just receive Dad's poll results. Calvin says his popularity is up 30 points. Dad is shocked. Oh, Calvin was reading the graph upside down. He hopes Dad is all packed.

Calvin sees Hobbes sleeping on the floor. He brings over some cookies and waves them under Hobbes' nose. Hobbes starts mumbling in his sleep about having a truck full of cookies backed up for him. Calvin says he likes to mess with Hobbes' dreams.

Calvin launches a huge belch at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin replies "Must be a barge coming through". Mom asks again what he says. Calvin replies "That sure tasted better going down than coming up". Mom warns him about three strikes and being out. Calvin quietly says "Excuse me".

Stupendous Man hears a cry of distress. He leaps to the edge of the building he's on and prepares to swoop down to the rescue. Stupendous Man didn't realize how high the building was, or that the winds at that altitude were tricky. Calvin sits at the top of the slide. Susie is behind him asking if he's going or needs a push. Calvin yells for her not to push him.

Calvin bulges an eye and hunches his shoulder. He's changing into a hairy beast, making snarling noises. He gets larger, with fangs and huge paws. Mom tells Calvin to lurch his way to the car, he needs a haircut.

Calvin asks Dad if people ever spontaneously combust. Dad doesn't think so. Calvin is relieved and walks off. Dad rolls his eyes. He keeps working, then POW! Papers fly off his desk as he jumps out of his chair. He angrily looks around. Calvin has a popped balloon in his hands. He asks Dad if he fooled him. Dad angrily suggests he has some ideas of how Calvin could make himself useful.

Calvin and Hobbes are out in the rain. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks it's getting colder. Hobbes says not really. They sit a while longer. Calvin doesn't think it's going to change. Hobbes agrees. The rain continues to pour down. Calvin says they should go in. They were sitting on the sled and toboggan at the top of the hill.

Calvin is counterfeiting money. He says it's really hard because of all the little lines on the bill. Hobbes asks if he thinks anyone will fall for the forgery. Calvin thinks everyone will. Hobbes looks over Calvin's shoulder. He says ol' George has the gout, he sees. Calvin angrily yells that he said it was hard.

The giant whale swims toward the surface. Pumping his tail, he gains momentum. The giant breaches and crashes back into the surf. Mom yells into the bathroom to Calvin, who's leaping from the full bathtub. She warns him he better not be splashing the floor.

Calvin stirs his cereal. He looks a the bowl. He stirs it some more. He tells Hobbes he won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.

The deadly tornado crosses the community. The updraft is 200 mph. It searches for a trailer park. It finds one and touches down. Debris is blown for miles in the explosion of rushing air. Mom sticks her head into Calvin's bedroom, where there are things lying all over. She asks when he's going to clean his room. It looks like a .... Calvin says "tornado hit it, I know".

Calvin and Hobbes are bouncing around on the bed. Calvin is cheering that it's Saturday. He turns on the TV for cartoons, only to find a test pattern. Hobbes looks at the TV Guide, which says cartoons don't start until 6:30. Calvin says that's 45 minutes away, so he decides to race Hobbes up and down the stairs. Mom and Dad are awake in bed. Mom wonders why he can't get up like that on school days. Dad suggests she go break his little legs.

Mom tells Calvin to sleep tight and not let the bedbugs bite. After she leaves, Calvin wonders if that means they have vermin in the house. Hobbes says the mattress is moving. It must be a bedbug. Calvin sees giant bug legs. He runs for some bug spray and tells Hobbes to keep the monster bug trapped in the bed. Hobbes is on top of the folded over mattress. He tells Calvin to get his foot locker for more weight. Mom and Dad are wondering what's going on upstairs. Mom suggests it sounds like Calvin's moving furniture. Calvin starts using the bug spray. The spray doesn't kill it. Hobbes hears Dad coming and suggests Dad can kill the bug. As Dad enters the messed room with bug spray wafting everywhere, Calvin tells him it went under the bed. He tells Dad to get a fly swatter. Dad replies that he'll tell Calvin who's going to be swatted.

Calvin has bad news about Dad's poll results. The latest poll shows six-year-old kids in the house don't care about issues, they care about character. Dad wonders why that is bad news. Calvin pulls out a photograph and asks Dad who the bimbo is with him in his prom picture. Dad yells that the "bimbo" is Mom. Mom yells in from the other room wondering who is a bimbo. Calvin tells her "pretty funky hairdo, Mom".

Calvin tells Dad it's true. Nobody cares about his positions on fatherhood. They just want to know about his character. They have to know he's never said or done anything that would reflect poorly on his judgment. Calvin has Dad's college yearbook. He flips through it. Calvin shows Dad a picture. He asks if that is Dad with the keg and the "Party Naked" T-shirt. Dad grabs the yearbook away from Calvin, saying "Give me that".

Calvin is telling Hobbes that Grandpa says comics were a lot funnier years ago when they used to print them bigger. He says comics now are just Xeroxed talking heads because there's no space to tell a decent story or show action. He says people should write to their newspapers and complain. Hobbes says Grandpa takes his funnies pretty seriously. Calvin says Mom is looking into nursing homes.

Calvin tells Hobbes that a TV star made over twenty million dollars last year. He asks Hobbes what he'd do with that much money. Hobbes says he doesn't know. He thinks it's ridiculous anyone makes that kind of money. Calvin says let's say you only made fifteen million. Hobbes goes for eighteen.

Calvin walks up to Mom who's washing dishes. He makes a drum sound, asks Mom what's cooking, then starts laughing. Mom asks him what's with him. Calvin tells her he thinks his life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.

Calvin tells Hobbes a joke he made up. A man is going for a walk. He gets his dog, and the guy says "Heel". The dog looks up and says "It takes one to know one, Buster". Calvin laughs, Hobbes doesn't. Calvin asks if Hobbes gets it. Calvin wonders what tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway. Hobbes wants to know how the dog learned to talk.

Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. He stands there while Calvin races past him toward a touchdown. Calvin stops and yells to Hobbes. He is ten yards from the goal line. He wonders if Hobbes is going to try to catch him. He taunts that he could crawl on his hands and knees to make a touchdown, and Hobbes couldn't catch him from where he's standing. Suddenly, Calvin looks horrified. He turns to run for a touchdown. Hobbes crashes into Calvin and tackles him. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to keep trying for the last two yards, or if he just wants to give Hobbes the ball now. Calvin, smashed into the ground, calls a ten year time out to grow some more.

Calvin asks Susie what she has for lunch. Susie tells him not to even talk to her. She doesn't want to hear how disgusting he thinks her lunch is. Calvin tells her to relax. He wasn't going to say anything about her lunch. He asks her to pass the salt. He opens his sandwich and sprinkles the salt on it. He tells her slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.

Hobbes is poised, ready to pounce. Calvin comes in the door saying he's home. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that he heard tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs. Calvin says he heard their brains are like big bowls of tapioca.

Mom and Calvin are watching a TV show. Calvin complains that the two people are kissing for so long. He makes a face as he talks about them slobbering over each others' faces. He wonders why anyone would do that. Do they like it? Mom carries him up to bed. Calvin says there is a connection there, he just knows it.

Hobbes tells Calvin to quit hogging the bed. Calvin is way over on Hobbes' side. Calvin says tough beans. Hobbes looks angry. He tells Calvin to think about geysers, waterfalls, water flowing, splashing, rushing. Calvin has to head off to the bathroom. He complains that Hobbes really fights mean.

Spaceman Spiff flees the scum beings of planet Q-13. He turns his spaceship around to face the adversary. He tightens his grip on his death ray trigger. It doesn't work. He tries his mertilizer beam. It doesn't work. Neither does his phospho bombs nor his mordo blasters. Nothing is working. At his desk, Calvin is saying "1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison!" The teacher asks if someone who has been paying attention can help Calvin.

Hobbes is lying on his back sleeping. Calvin leaps into the air to pounce on Hobbes. Hobbes wakes up, bears his fangs and claws as Calvin descends. Calvin tries to pull back. He walks off all torn up and says he keeps forgetting that five of Hobbes' six ends are pointy when he lies like that.

Calvin opens his drawer wondering what to wear that day. Suddenly, the clothes fly out of the drawer and attack him. They hold his arms and grab his feet. Striped shirt, plaid jacket, polka dot shirt. Calvin says he won't go out with those clothes on. The clothes lift his legs and make him walk. As Calvin walks past, Mom asks if Calvin has gone color-blind. Calvin says he doesn't want to hear about it.

Calvin tells Hobbes that since September, it's gotten colder and colder. He's also noticed there is less daylight. He says that can only mean one thing. The sun is going out! In a few more months, the earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Hobbes doesn't feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad said the sun wasn't going out. He said it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking them further from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. Calvin laments that some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to live his last few months any differently since the sun is going out. Calvin tells him he's always believed in living each day as if it were his last, so he has no regrets. Calvin thinks that is inspiring. Hobbes says it would be if he were someone else. As Calvin sits reading comic books and eating cookies, he asks Hobbes to pass the issue of Captain Napalm.

Calvin says his teacher told him the same as Dad did, the sun isn't going out. It's just getting colder because winter's coming. Dad was right all along. Calvin tells Hobbes to imagine ol' Dad knowing something like that.

Dad is getting set to read Calvin a bedtime story. Calvin asks if it has romance in it. He tells Dad to edit any romance out. He asks if there is any boring description. He tells Dad to skip it if he sees any. He likes his stories fast and gripping. He asks about a moral. He doesn't like to be told how to live his life. He tells Dad to skip the moral, too. Dad asks if his majesty prefers color pictures, or black and white.

The mighty destroyer patrols the seas. Suddenly, the ship spins out of control. It's caught in a whirlpool. The vessel dips its hull into the vortex and isn't seen again. Calvin grabs another toy ship on the bathtub and says "Here goes the rest of the Navy". Mom yells in asking if he's letting the water out already.

Mom shakes Calvin and tells him it's time to wake up. Calvin gets dressed, eats his cereal, brushes his teeth, puts on his jacket and heads out the door. He hears Mom tell him it's time to wake up. It was all a dream. She tells him he'll be late for school. As Calvin sits up in bed, he says his dreams are getting way too literal.

Calvin is going to be the next Houdini. He asks Hobbes to tie him to the chair. Calvin tells him to tie the knots tighter and to tie his feet. Hobbes asks to see him get out of that. The great Calvini can escape from anything. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes asks if he should tell Mom he's tied up at the moment. Calvin grunts that he'll be out in no time. He can't even move.

Mom yells that Calvin's dinner is getting cold. He says he'll be there in a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants him to untie him. No, Calvin wants to escape. He's going to rock a little to loosen the ropes. He says no ropes can hold him. He falls over in the chair. Hobbes says it's a good thing he's doing that here before trying it under water.

Calvin gives up. He tells Hobbes to untie him since he can't escape. Hobbes is trying to figure out the knots. Calvin tells him to hurry up. Hobbes pulls the rope. Calvin hollers that Hobbes tightened it. Mom gives Calvin a last call for dinner. Hobbes goes to look for Calvin's Cub Scout manual.

Hobbes is reading the manual. He says he always wanted to be a Scout, but hated the meetings. Calvin tells him to read the knots section. Hobbes notices the motto. Calvin tells him "Live for revenge" is going to be his motto if Hobbes doesn't get him out of there. Hobbes gives Calvin a quiz on what to do for a second-degree burn. Calvin yells for him not to flip through the book, but to untie him. Hobbes is indignant. He thinks someone in Calvin's predicament should treat him with more respect.

Calvin threatens Hobbes some more. Hobbes reminds "Mr. Houdini" he got himself into that mess. Calvin says Mom will kill him for not being at dinner. Hobbes sees the section on Morse code. Calvin says he's sorry and asks Hobbes to untie him. Hobbes tells Calvin how to say "banana" in Morse code. Mom and Dad hear noises upstairs. Dad says it sound like a chair thumping around the room. Mom says his dinner is stone cold. She hopes he's happy.

Dad comes up the stairs, angry at Calvin for missing dinner. Calvin is tied up on the chair. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes tied him up. Dad tells him not to tell lies and asks how he tied himself up. Calvin repeats that Hobbes did it and was going to hold him for ransom. After Dad leaves, Calvin rubs his sore rear end. Hobbes tells him he's glad Dad saw through his lie. And who would pay ransom for Calvin, anyway?

Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will. Life begins where there once was void. Calvin is no loving god, he demands sacrifice. Calvin is a god of the underworld. The puny inhabitants of earth displease him. Calvin ignores their pleas for mercy, and the doomed writhe in agony. Dad happily tells Mom that Calvin is playing with his Tinkertoys and is creating whole worlds. Mom bets Calvin will grow up to be an architect.

Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. She tells him tortellini. Calvin acts like he's gagging. He grabs his throat and says he hates tortellini. He calls it gross. He asks Mom if they can have something else for dinner. She says no. Calvin goes to the dictionary to look up what tortellini is.

Susie tells Calvin they have a substitute teacher today. Horrified, Calvin says that must mean their real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors. Calvin warns that they are trying to subvert little kids with subliminal messages in the textbooks that tell them to turn in their parents when the Saturnians attack. The earth will be rendered helpless. Susie thinks one of them has been eating too much paste in art class. Calvin proudly says he's too smart for them. He doesn't read his assignments.

Behold the Tyrannosaurus Rex. The fiercest dinosaur is twenty tons of bone-crushing muscle and razor-sharp teeth. He lets out a triumphant roar. Calvin is kicked out of the library.

Calvin gets ready for a big sneeze. Just before it happens, it stops. Calvin gets an odd look on his face. He says "I juth hade it whed thith happedth".

Calvin, the criminal, is about to face justice. Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution. He's led up the gallows, and he reflects on his heinous crimes. He is unrepentent. The noose is placed around his neck. This is the end. Calvin acts like he's choking as Dad tightens his necktie. Dad tells him to knock it off. Some people have to wear a tie every day.

Dad asks Calvin how the kiddie matinee was. Calvin vaguely remembers the movie. He thinks it was okay. Mom comes walking in with her hair messed up and eyes looking weary. Dad asks Mom how the matinee was. She grabs Dad by the collar, grits her teeth, and tells him they are going to buy a video player.

Hobbes is curled up, sleeping contentedly. Calvin comes up to him. He scratches Hobbes' back, rubs his tummy, then scratches his back some more. Hobbes lets out a contented sound and gets a big smile on his face. Calvin figures that ought to get him out of a few years in purgatory.

Calvin goes up to Dad with his hands clasped. He tells Dad to open his mouth, and close his eyes. He's going to get a big surprise. Dad opens his mouth, but peeks. Calvin notices and accuses Dad of not trusting his own kid. Calvin looks in his hands and tells Dad to hang on. Whatever he had in his hand got away.

Calvin dances back and forth. He asks Hobbes whether there is anything yet. Hobbes looks out the window and tells him there isn't one snowflake.

Calvin is writing to Santa Claus. He tells Santa he didn't get several things from his list last year. For Santa's convenience, Calvin has grouped those items together on page 12. Calvin asks Santa to please check them carefully and include them with the rest of this year's loot. While Hobbes reads the note, Calvin tells him that Santa's gotten sloppy without competition.

Calvin listens to the radio as it plays "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". Calvin turns the radio and offers the thought that Santa is either a kindly, old elf or a CIA spook.

Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa thing bothers him, especially the judge and jury bit. Calvin wants assurances Santa is impartial. He wonders what criteria Santa uses to determine good and bad. He asks about extenuating circumstances. He suggests kids should have legal counsel. Hobbes asks if he's worried about the salamander incident. Calvin quickly cries that was temporary insanity.

Calvin questions what Santa does when you've been both good and bad. He wonders what if a kid tried to do good, but bad things kept happening. What if a kid just had terrible luck and got blamed for things he only sort of did on purpose. Hobbes wants to know who they're talking about. Calvin says this is just a hypothetical case.

Calvin excitedly tells Dad that he and Mom have picked a Christmas tree. He tells Dad to help bring it in. Dad tells him he thought they'd keep the tree in the garage this year. Dad continues that you can go out and look at it, and that saves the trouble of decorating it. Calvin can't believe they're not decorating the tree. Dad says they take it down in two weeks, so it's not worth the bother. He mentions that if Calvin gets a present......and Calvin is shocked to hear IF he gets A present. Dad continues ....you can take it to the garage and pretend the tree has lots of lights. Calvin runs off yelling for Mom. Mom points her finger into Dad's nose and tells him she knows somebody who's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking this year. Dad comments on the season getting less jolly every year.

Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa Claus thing makes no sense. Calvin doesn't get the mystery, the secrecy. If Santa exists, why doesn't he show himself and prove it. If Santa doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this. Hobbes doesn't know, but asks if this isn't a religious holiday. Calvin admits it is, but he says he has the same questions about God.

Calvin questions whether he'll get any presents since he doubted the existence of Santa Claus. Calvin is concerned Santa might be putting his name on a "bad" list right now. Hobbes offers that if Calvin wasn't on the "bad" list all along, doubting Santa's existence wouldn't push him over. Calvin sarcastically thanks Hobbes for the comfort. Hobbes pleads that this is why he's on the "bad" list...insults.

Calvin decides to believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. Hobbes asks what convinced him. Calvin replies that it was a simple risk analysis. Calvin wants lots of presents. Calvin thinks it he shouldn't risk getting them over a matter of belief. He'll believe whatever they want. Hobbes comments on how cynically enterprising that is of Calvin. Calvin says "It's the spirit of Christmas".

Calvin whispers to Hobbes in bed asking if he's awake. Hobbes is. Calvin hasn't heard Santa yet. He wonders if he's coming. Hobbes notes it's only 11:00. They may be later in the route. They hear a thump. Hobbes says it's Santa. He tells Calvin Santa is saying something. Dad is jumping around holding his foot, cussing in his pain. Mom tells him to be quiet or Calvin will hear him.

Calvin and Hobbes tiptoe down the stairs. They look into the living room. They start cheering that they got presents, that Santa came. Dad grumbles about it not being morning already. Mom sleepily looks at the alarm clock and says that, technically, it was.

Calvin hears Mom yell that it's bath time. She yells for them to just get it over with. She looks for Calvin. Calvin lies on the bottom of the bathtub, saying she'll never look there.

Calvin wants Dad to read a bedtime story he wrote. The title is "The Dad Who Lived To Regret Being Mean To His Kid". It's written in poem form. Barney's Dad was bad, and Barney hatched a plan. Dad said "Eat your peas". Barney said "No" and ran. Barney tricked his Dad into the cellar. He wasn't found by Barney's Mom, because Barney didn't tell her. Dad had to spend his life eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years, he was sorry he'd been cruel. Calvin suggests to Dad that many stories have morals. Dad angrily tells Calvin he gets it.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the true meaning of happiness. Calvin asks if it's money, cars, and women. Or is it just money and cars? Hobbes walks away.

Calvin looks at the small amount of snow on the ground. He complains it isn't an inch of snow. He asks what good less than an inch of snow is. Hobbes says that it's pretty. Calvin laments "Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness".

Calvin is building a snow fortress. He says it will be the strongest ever. He tells Hobbes to keep packing in on. The fort will be indestructible. He suggests pouring water over it so it freezes overnight. Their fort will be there until July. The next morning, Dad opens the garage door to back the car out and notices a wall of frozen snow running all across the yard, running right across the driveway. He yells "Where's that kid?!".

From behind his snow fort, Calvin declares the fort can repel any attack. He ducks down, then stands up and leans on the fort. No one is attacking. He puts his hand on the side of his head and laments that he hates this neighborhood.

Calvin is smacked on the back of his head with a snowball. He falls into the snow. He looks around for who the attacker was, but sees no one. He goes into the house. Hobbes is lying on the sofa, reading a comic book. Calvin walks by, snowball on head, and says he's glad Hobbes is inside. Hobbes sheepishly looks up and thinks it's handy to not have boots and a coat to take off.

Calvin yells out that his snow fort makes him invulnerable. He boasts how he can launch a barrage and remain safe from retaliation. Suddenly, a snowball smacks into the back of his head. Hobbes is making another snowball as Calvin complains that he was supposed to attack from the other side of the fort.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he made any resolutions for the new year. Calvin replies no. Calvin thinks he's fine as he is. In fact, he wants the world should change to suit him. He goes on to say he doesn't need to make changes, everyone else does. When he asks Hobbes if he made any resolutions, Hobbes replies that he was going to be less offended by human nature, but he thinks he's blown it already.

Calvin and Hobbes are huddled in the wind. Calvin says he hates waiting for the school bus on days like this. Calvin believes blustery days should be spent with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what he'd like to be doing right now. Calvin says that as soon as he graduates, he'll spend every winter that way. Hobbes hopes the bus will come soon. His hot chocolate will get cold.

Calvin asks Hobbes for help on a math problem. Hobbes assigns the answer "x", which means multiply. So Hobbes then takes the numerator and puts it on the other side of the equation. Hobbes comes up with the answer. 3 + 8 = 6. Calvin thinks he must have done all the other problems wrong.

Calvin asks for help on another problem. Hobbes thinks 9 + 4 is tricky and requires calculus and imaginary numbers to solve. Eleventeen and thirty-twelve are a couple examples Hobbes gives. Calvin wonders how he knows this since he never went to school. Hobbes claims that it's instinct. Tigers are born with it.

Calvin yells that it's freezing in the house, and that someone should turn up the thermostat. He keeps ranting that Dad should get a better job if they can't afford to heat the house. Maybe they should move to Florida. Someone tells him to pipe down. He should put on a sweater if he's cold. Calvin complains that he shouldn't have to go to all that trouble.

Calvin mentions to Dad that the average family watches 7 1/2 hours of TV a day. He mentions that Mom said she doesn't watch TV while he's at school. So, Calvin figures if he gets home at 3:00, he can watch TV straight through until 10:30. Dad says "wrong". Calvin asks if Dad wants them to be sub-average.

Calvin tells Mom the wash machine is done. He asks if she is going to put the wash in the dryer. She says she will. Calvin continues to ask if she's going to let it sit in the wash machine. Mom yells that she's busy right now. Calvin goes over to Hobbes, who is in the wash machine. Calvin tells him that Mom is busy. Hobbes hopes the next time she takes a bath, there aren't any towels.

Calvin hides behind a tree and throws a snowball at Susie. It hits her in the back of the head. Calvin gloats over having hit her. Susie complains that it knocked her eyeball out. She tells Calvin to find it, so they can pack it in snow and save it. Calvin apologizes. He didn't know eyeballs could come out. He wants to see her eye socket. He's looking in the snow and asks if she knows where it rolled. Susie kicks Calvin into the snow. She had been faking all along. Hobbes comes by to see Calvin face down in the snow. He asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells him his eyeball fell out and wants Hobbes to help him look for it.

Calvin asks Mom who's coming to visit. Mom tells him Uncle Max. Calvin doesn't remember him and wonders if he's a con man trying to swindle them. Mom says he's Dad's brother and hasn't been to visit for a few years. Calvin wonders if he was in jail. Mom tells him no, but Dad says that with Max, that's not a bad guess.

The family is going to the airport to pick up Uncle Max. Dad asks whether Calvin sees the jets. There's no answer. Dad asks why Calvin is being so quiet. Isn't he excited to see Uncle Max. Calvin says he is, but after sitting for a second adds that he hopes nobody thinks he's giving up his room while Uncle Max is visiting.

The family picks Max up at the airport. Max comments that he didn't think it had been so long, but seeing Calvin showed him. Calvin has grown so much. Max asks Calvin "what do you say". Calvin replies that he has a live man-eating tiger at home and will rip Max's lungs out if Calvin so much as winks.

Calvin shows Uncle Max his room. Calvin mentions he doesn't know where Max is sleeping, but it isn't here. Max understands. Calvin shows Hobbes to Max and warns him not to get too close. Max agrees and says he can tell Hobbes is a fierce one. Calvin tells him Hobbes has mandibles of death. Max adds that Hobbes has a killer's eye, you can tell. He goes downstairs. Calvin thinks Uncle Max is pretty sharp. He finds it hard to believe Max is related to Dad.

Max comes into his room to see Calvin doing something. Max asks what he's doing. Calvin looks at all the stuff from the luggage lying on the floor. He tells Max he's looking through his luggage. He asks what it looks like he's doing. Max wants to know if Mom and Dad raised him themselves or if they untied Calvin for the visit. Calvin asks if Max brought him a present, since he can't find one anywhere.

Calvin asks if he can sit by Max at the dinner table. Mom agrees. She tells Max he should be flattered that Calvin asked to sit by him. Max says that's sweet. When Max sits down, a noise comes out. Calvin apparently put a whoopee cushion on Max's chair. Calvin laughs hysterically while Mom covers her face with her hands.

Calvin comes in from the snow. Mom fixed him some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. She tells him to wrap up with a blanket and to take the food in front of the fireplace. She brings Hobbes and some comic books. After Mom leaves, Calvin notices she even put marshmallows in the hot chocolate. He says "nobody knows how to pamper like a Mom". Hobbes wants to know if Calvin is going to eat all those peanut butter crackers himself, or what.

Calvin asks if Uncle Max has any kids. Max tells him no, he isn't even married. Calvin asks what difference that makes. Max suggests Calvin watches a lot of TV.

Calvin offers to show Max a magic disappearing trick. Calvin explains that he'll need a twenty-dollar bill. Max offers a nickel instead. Calvin says it works better with a twenty or a fifty, if he has one. Max crouches down by Calvin and tells him he must think ol' Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Calvin asks if Dad told him how this works.

Calvin asks Uncle Max when he's going home. Max tells him tomorrow. Calvin says he wishes Max could stay forever. Max says that's a nice thing to say and says Calvin is alright. Calvin says Mom is a lot more patient with him in front of guests.

Everyone is saying goodbye to Max at the airport. Max tells Calvin to come visit him sometime. Calvin decides he'll go right then. Mom grabs Calvin. Dad tells her she missed her chance. They could have bought Calvin a ticket.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor playing checkers. Dad asks if he's just going to sit inside all day. Dad tells Calvin he should go outside to play and to get some fresh air. Calvin and Hobbes get bundled up, go outside, and sit on the ground playing checkers.

Hobbes is playing Monopoly with Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin he can't just take money from the bank. Calvin explains that Hobbes has hotels on all his properties, so Calvin can't afford to pay him. Calvin is robbing a bank. Hobbes tells him he can't do that. Calvin replies he's the banker, and he's not going to risk his life for a couple thousand dollars. Hobbes shows the rules don't say you can rob the bank. Calvin retorts the rules don't show that you can't. He tells Hobbes to just roll the dice and accept this tragic turn of events. Hobbes says if that's how Calvin's going to play, Hobbes will rob Calvin. Calvin steals the deeds to Boardwalk and Park Place. Hobbes angrily takes all the houses and hotels and puts them on Baltic Avenue, where Calvin landed. Calvin owes Hobbes $250,000. In the other room, Mom comments how cute it is that Calvin plays both sides of the Monopoly board. Dad isn't so sure. He's heard Calvin using words he didn't learn in their household.

Calvin can't believe he has to do an assignment with Susie. Susie warns him about doing a great job. She doesn't want to flunk because she got a doofus for a partner. Calvin reminds her that she picks her sandwiches apart and eats the ingredients separately. Susie wants to know what's wrong with that. Calvin says that makes her a grade "A" nimrod. Susie yells that it does not.

Calvin suggests that since they have to work together, they might as well get it done. He asks what they're supposed to be doing. Susie yells at him for not paying attention. She tells him that if she wasn't there to ask, he'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten. Calvin replies that some kids do poorly because the class is too slow, that the kid is too smart for the class. Susie rolls her eyes and says "Oh, right. You're too smart". Calvin goes on to point out that Einstein got bad grades in school, and Calvin's are even worse than his.

Calvin and Susie are in the library. Susie tells him they're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. Calvin wants to know what they've found out. Susie replies "nothing". She has no intention of doing all the work. Calvin figures she'd probably goof it all up if she did everything. Calvin wants to be management, with Susie being labor. He tells her to get some books. Susie shouts out to see if anyone wants to trade partners.

Susie catches Calvin drawing pictures of Martians instead of doing their paper. Susie can't believe that Calvin doesn't care. He's done nothing on the paper. Susie laments that she'll flunk and have to attend a second-rate college because her idiot partner was drawing Martians. Susie cries out "Why me". Calvin tries to make her feel better by showing her that the Martian moves when you flip the pages.

Susie warns Calvin their paper is due on Monday. He's goofed around all week. Susie tells him she'll let the teacher know she did all the work if he doesn't do his part over the weekend. Susie asks if she's getting through to him. Spaceman Spiff says the alien seems to be trying to communicate.

Calvin is out sledding. He's called to the telephone. He runs in, takes off his boots, and picks up the phone. Susie yells at him "Why aren't you at the library".

Spaceman Spiff walks along the planet's terrain. The ground begins to shake. It's a Zorg. Spiff runs for cover, but the Zorg is upon him. The blaster has no effect. Spiff is taken to the Zorg's cave, where there is a vat of boiling water. He's about to be cooked alive. Mom tells Calvin to get into the bathtub. Calvin asks if she doesn't want to lean way, way over and test how hot the water is.

Susie reminds Calvin they do their report today. She asks if he did his half. Calvin indignantly replies that he did. He's sure his half will make Susie's half look pathetic. She warns him "It had better be good...or else". Calvin sits down and starts to write his report. He titles it "The Planet Mercury - an exhaustively researched report by Calvin".

Susie finishes her part of the report and tells the class Calvin will talk about the mythology of Mercury. Calvin thanks the crowd, says they look good, tells them to give themselves a hand. He then tells the class a funny thing happened to him on the way to the library. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that this isn't her fault.

Calvin tells the class the planet Mercury was named after a Roman god with winged feet. He says Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets. That's why he's the registered trademark of FTD florists. Calvin offers that he has no idea why they named a planet after the guy. Calvin quickly adds "Back to you, Susie" as he sees her coming toward him with fist cocked.

Calvin tells Hobbes sparks flew when he did his presentation. Calvin has never seen Susie that mad. He tells Hobbes she accused him of not doing research and making up the whole thing. Hobbes asks if that's what he did. Calvin says he only took a few creative liberties. Hobbes wonders why Mom was called for a few creative liberties.

Calvin goes outside into the cold. He gets a funny look on his face. He grabs his nose. He asks "Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze".

Calvin and Hobbes are on their toboggan, overlooking Suicide Gulch, ready to hurl themselves at breakneck speed on a sled that hardly steers. They're looking death in the eye. Calvin asks why they do it. Hobbes offers "because we get paid, I hope". Calvin says "because it's there".

Calvin jumps into the snow, stomping out patterns. When he's finished, he tells Susie he found dinosaur tracks. Calvin says it's pretty scary with dinosaurs in the neighborhood. Susie walks off saying the dinosaur tracks are made with size five, treaded toes. Calvin imagines being the dinosaur throwing a snowball at Susie.

Calvin shows Hobbes the latest perfection in technology. Hobbes looks at it and asks "A water pistol". Calvin tells him it's the new, improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you just point at whatever you want to transmogrify. Calvin gives an example of not liking the color of your bedspread and presto, it's an iguana. Hobbes can imagine the myriad of uses of a hand-held iguana maker.

Hobbes asks how the gun knows what to transmogrify things into. Calvin replies "telepathy". The gun reads brain waves and turns the object into whatever you want. Calvin says it took him all morning to invent. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin. He says he's thinking about a big slab or grilled tuna. Calvin yells for him to watch where he's pointing the gun.

Calvin wants to test the transmogrifier gun. He wants Hobbes to think of a pterodactyl. Calvin says he'll terrorize the neighborhood for awhile. Then, Hobbes can change him back into a boy when the National Guard comes. Hobbes doesn't know what a pterodactyl is. Hobbes asks if it's a bug. Calvin tells him it's a big flying dinosaur, but tells him not to shoot if he doesn't know what it is.

Hobbes changes Calvin into a chicken. Calvin yells at Hobbes. He was supposed to change him into a pterodactyl. Calvin, the chicken, asks why he thought of a chicken instead of a pterodactyl. Hobbes says it was because it was almost lunchtime. Calvin continues to badger Hobbes by saying that he's glad Hobbes wasn't hungry for a hot dog.

Calvin, the chicken, gives the gun back to Hobbes and tells him to try again. He says he wants to be a pterodactyl. ZAP! Calvin proudly looks at himself. He says that's more like it. We see Calvin as a minuscule pterodactyl next to Hobbes. Calvin asks when Hobbes turned himself into a 200-foot-tall colossus. Hobbes says he didn't, why?

Now Calvin complains that he's a tiny pterodactyl. Hobbes says big dinosaurs give him the willies. Calvin asks how he's going to terrorize the neighborhood like that. Hobbes accuses him of being cranky today. Calvin grabs the gun and says he'll show Hobbes. ZAP! Hobbes, the duck, says Calvin just made a big mistake.

They bicker with each other. Hobbes grabs the transmogrifier gun and says he'll fix Calvin up right. ZAP! He turns Calvin into a big pig. Outraged, Calvin turns Hobbes into a monkey. Insulted, Hobbes zaps Calvin into a flower. Hobbes gets zapped into being an alligator. ZAP! Calvin is now an aardvark. Much later, they rest. Calvin is an owl, and Hobbes is a purple monster. The owl can't remember who is who. The purple monster tells him he hopes Calvin is the owl, because his Mom is going to have a fit when she sees this.

They agree to change each other back to their original selves. Calvin, the owl, zaps the purple monster back into Hobbes. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin and....click...click...click. Calvin says he's not changing. Hobbes is glad they did him first.

Calvin wonders why it won't work. Hobbes says that since Calvin invented it, he should tell Hobbes. Calvin worries about being stuck as an owl. Hobbes figures they can catch mice in the back yard for Calvin to eat. Calvin wonders what he'll do. Hobbes goes on to say he couldn't eat a mouse raw. He thinks their little feet are real cold going down. Calvin yells for Hobbes to forget about the mice and help him think. Hobbes scratches his head and wonders if a pet store will sell you a mouse if they know you're going to eat it.

Calvin trudges into the house and tells Mom that he's an owl. Mom says he doesn't look like a very happy owl. Mom suggests maybe some lunch would help. Calvin doubts it, he doesn't like mice. Mom gives him some soup. He asks if it's mouse soup. He doesn't like mice. Mom tells him she heard him, and that the soup is tomato.

Calvin is complaining that he can't be an owl forever. He asks Hobbes how he'll change back with the transmogrifier gun broken. Hobbes suggests he should just accept the predicament. He says it's probably better Calvin is an owl instead of a kid. Calvin shouts and wonders how it could be better. Hobbes tells him he didn't know how to bring it up before, but little boys don't smell so good.

Calvin is worried about going to school as an owl. He covers his head with his wings and says he's doomed. Hobbes asks since when do owls go to school. Calvin thinks and breaks out into a chorus of "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, my oh my, what a wonderful day".

Mom tells Calvin to get up from bed. He's going to be late for school. Calvin says he's not going to school, since he's an owl. Mom disagrees and tells Calvin to get dressed. Calvin sees he's not an owl. He says the transmogrification must be temporary. He's back to being a kid. Hooray! Except that means, he can go to school. Hobbes tells him to keep the shade down when he goes.

Calvin is getting dressed to go outside. He puts his scarf on, his jacket, hat and boots. Out the door he goes. He stops, comes back in. He takes off his hat, scarf, jacket and boots. Into the bathroom he goes.

The doorbell rings, and Calvin comes down the stairs to get it. He peeks out the window, then turns in horror. He calls for Hobbes to help him close the curtains and prop furniture against the door....it's Rosalyn.

Calvin asks Dad where he keeps his guns. Dad doesn't have any and wonders what the problem is. Calvin tells him Rosalyn is there and won't leave. Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom are going out. Mom reminds Calvin she told him that morning. Calvin asks if they have a wooden stake and a mallet.

Calvin grabs a box. He and Hobbes crawl in and address the box to Australia. They tell Mom to put them outside by the mailbox. Mom tells him not to be so silly. Mom asks where Rosalyn is, since Calvin was saying she was there. Calvin tells Mom that as far as he knows, she's still on the front porch. Mom yells at Calvin for not even letting her in, as the doorbell rings several times.

Mom opens the door and apologizes to Rosalyn. Rosalyn says it wasn't too wet and cold outside. Mom and Dad are running late, so they tell Rosalyn to help herself to anything in the fridge. Dripping wet, Rosalyn looks down at Calvin. Calvin says the door was jammed, and he couldn't get it open. Rosalyn tells him to go to bed.

Calvin tells Rosalyn that he's on a strict Big Mac diet, doctor's orders. Rosalyn says she better call the doctor. Calvin is worried that Rosalyn will call the doctor and find he's lying. Rosalyn pretends to call the doctor's office and asks about Calvin's dietary needs. Rosalyn tells Calvin the doctor says he should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. Calvin is glad the doctor wasn't angry, but he doesn't know what castor oil is.

Calvin complains about the way Rosalyn set the table for dinner. The food smells funny, and it isn't fixed the way Mom does it. He likes the way Mom does it better. Rosalyn yells to Calvin that she's not his Mom. Calvin says Mom loves him more than life itself. She lets him do whatever he wants. Calvin calls Rosalyn a nasty ol' barracuda. Rosalyn can't believe she postponed a date for this.

Calvin is busily making snowmen in the yard. Calvin finishes them and leaves. Mom and Dad go out to the car, only to find three snowmen looking at the broken body of a fourth. Calvin built them in front on the car, to make it look like the car hit the snowman.

The phone rings, and Rosalyn answers it. It's her boyfriend, Charlie. She starts telling him Calvin is driving her up the wall. Calvin gets on the upstairs extension and tells Charlie that Rosalyn is a sadistic kid-hater. He warns Charlie not to marry her, she'd be a terrible mother. Calvin, after being sent to bed, yells that after Charlie dumps her, he'll thank Calvin.

Calvin wants to escape. He's been sent to bed before Calvin's normal bedtime. Calvin hatches a plan to have Hobbes moan. When Rosalyn comes in, he'll throw a blanket over her. They'll tie her up and make their escape. Hobbes starts howling. Calvin yells down to Rosalyn that something is wrong with Hobbes. She asks if she should call the vet. Calvin says no, but she should come upstairs and close her eyes.

Moe tells Calvin they're wrestling in gym class. Moe tells him he'll be so covered in mat burns that he'll need skin grafts. Calvin sighs and walks away. He says physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.

It's Calvin, the human light particle. Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin, he hopes. Mom chases Calvin, with an angry look on her face.

Calvin is eating his "Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs". He tells Hobbes that as much as he likes the cereal, he enjoys the sludgy milk from adding sugar more. He says he sometimes eats two or three bowls of it. Hobbes tells Calvin he can hear his heart racing from where he stands. Calvin adds that they make that cereal with marshmallow bits, but Mom won't buy it.

Calvin can't get to sleep because the sheets are cold. Calvin bumps into Hobbes, who yells that his feet are like ice. Calvin says his side of the bed is cold, but Hobbes doesn't want his side cold, too. Calvin complains that Hobbes has a fur coat. They fight over the blankets. Hobbes complains that Calvin is letting cold air in. Calvin thinks that serves him right. They fight with each other. Finally, they both lie on top the sheets panting. Hobbes tells Calvin he's getting his side hot and to move over. Calvin tells Hobbes to open the window since he's roasting.

Dad tells Calvin to guess what time it is. He says it's a very special time. Calvin gets enthused and wants to know what time it is. Dad tells him it's his bath time. Sitting in the tub, Calvin tells Hobbes that letters to Dear Abby where kids never write or visit their old parents really crack him up.

Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He says he hates being a kid. Calvin explains that someone is always telling him what to do or what not to do. He tells Hobbes he's lucky he's a tiger. Hobbes says they try to be humble, but it's hard. Calvin wonders if he can grow fangs when his baby teeth fall out.

Calvin gets out of the tub complaining that he's not a tiger. Hobbes tells him that's a common lament. Calvin wants Hobbes to teach him to be a tiger. He has some red sleepers he can wear. Calvin will put a stuffed knee sock on for a tail. Hobbes asks about fur and whiskers. Calvin mentions that he hasn't shaved in six years, so he seems cursed with a thin beard.

Hobbes draws stripes on Calvin. Hobbes says he's looking better. Calvin practices a roar. Hobbes thinks Calvin is missing something tiger-ish, panache. Calvin runs off to get some plastic vampire fangs.

Calvin looks into a mirror and declares himself a tiger. Hobbes reminds him being a tiger is more than having stripes. Hobbes tells him he has to think like a tiger. Calvin hollers that he's hungry and asks what's for dinner. Hobbes doesn't think that was funny and asks Calvin if he wants Hobbes to teach him anything or not.

As they walk in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes to teach him to survive. Calvin gives him a scenario. They're in a tree, and they detect prey. What would they do? Hobbes says it depends on what the prey was. Calvin tells him to pick something. Hobbes says that if it was a box of rigatoni noodles, you'd go put on some water.

The tyrannosaurus sinks his teeth into the triceratops. The king of dinosaurs lets out a mighty roar. The monster begins its feast. It severs limbs and snaps tendons. Mom and Dad tell Calvin to chew slower and quieter. The terrible tyrannosaurus continues eating, mortified that someone might see him.

Sitting on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he's supposed to be teaching him how to be a tiger. They've been sitting in the tree all day, and Hobbes hasn't shown Calvin how to hunt or anything. Hobbes says it's instinct, which you can't teach. Calvin suggests looking up "tiger" in the encyclopedia. Hobbes hops down and says that since they're going inside, they should fix some soup and sandwiches. Calvin calls Hobbes a disgrace.

The encyclopedia says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. Hobbes tells him he wouldn't believe some of the secrets he knows. Calvin asks what they are. Hobbes won't tell, since they're secrets. Calvin promises not to blab and begs Hobbes to tell him. Hobbes hints they are big secrets, secret secrets, if only Calvin knew.

Calvin doesn't even believe Hobbes has a secret, and Hobbes agrees that he doesn't. Calvin says that Hobbes really does and again begs Hobbes to tell him. Calvin asks why Hobbes won't tell him, and Hobbes says the secret is about him. That just makes things worse as Calvin grabs Hobbes' leg and wails for him to tell the secret. Hobbes says he's said too much already.

Calvin tells Hobbes that if he doesn't tell the secret, Calvin will stop being Hobbes' friend. Hobbes offers a hint, "the flea market". Calvin asks what kind of a hint is that. Then Hobbes asks if Calvin knows how his parents got him. Calvin starts to answer, but stops and asks what Hobbes is saying. Hobbes won't give any more hints.

Calvin doesn't believe Hobbes' secret. He says if all Hobbes' secrets are lies, he can keep them to himself. Hobbes taunts that Calvin just doesn't want to hear how little he went for. Calvin reads in the book that tigers won't share their territory with other tigers. Calvin can see how tigers would get on each others' nerves. Hobbes tells him he cost a nickel.

Calvin decides that since tigers don't share their territory, they had better split up the woods. A big rock separates their two territories. Calvin proclaims that Hobbes is hereby banished from Calvin's side of the rock. Hobbes reaches over the rock and touches the side. He taunts Calvin by saying look what he's doing. Calvin shouts for him to cut that out.

Calvin comes home from school. He knows Hobbes is waiting to pounce on him when he opens the door. He decides to sneak around the back and surprise Hobbes. He enters the house and sees Hobbes waiting. Calvin comes up behind Hobbes and yells that he's home. Hobbes jumps up, startled, eyes bulging. Calvin walks off all scratched up saying he's got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

Calvin brags that his side of the woods abounds with natural scenic splendor. He says Hobbes' side wallows in decay and filth. Again, he proclaims his side superior to Hobbes'. Hobbes rolls the big rock over once and tells Calvin that his side is now smaller. Calvin protests.

Calvin says that he's hungry, but Hobbes says he can't catch anything in his territory. Calvin wonders what tigers eat in the wild. Hobbes tells him big caterpillars. Calvin asks whether tigers really eat them, and Hobbes tells him they eat them by the truckload. Calvin asks to see the book, but Hobbes asks if he's going to believe a silly writer or a real tiger.

Calvin hasn't had much fun being a tiger. He thought they'd romp through the woods like they always do, but the book says tigers don't share their territories with other tigers. So they sit, on opposite sides of a big rock. Calvin says being a tiger isn't all its cracked up to be. Hobbes says Calvin doesn't know the half of it. He tells Calvin that tigers are an endangered species.

Hobbes reads that tigers nearly faced extinction, and their future remains in doubt. Calvin says that's awful, and Hobbes agrees. They both think for a bit. Calvin says he thinks he'll go back to being a kid again. Hobbes says this explains why he doesn't meet many babes.

Calvin steps off the school bus and comes into the house. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on him. Out the door they fly. Calvin ends up on his back, with his feet up on a tree. Hobbes asks if he's glad to see him. Calvin replies he'd love to be a latchkey kid.

Calvin comes to the front door and yells that he's home. WHAM! The front door shakes. Calvin opens the door to see Hobbes holding his head. Calvin informs Hobbes that "you'll notice I didn't say I was inside".

Spaceman Spiff crash lands on the planet Mok. Ominous figures appear on the horizon. He fires his death ray zorcher, but he's outnumbered. He's taken prisoner and taken to a dungeon. Spiff won't talk to the creatures. One of them orders Spiff taken to the interrogation room and to have his hair washed. Mom is trying to bathe Calvin. He tells the sinister fiend she got soap in his eyes on purpose. Mom replies it might not happen if he'd stop thrashing around.

Thunder rumbles, and lightning flashes. Calvin has been sewn together from corpses. A power surge forces blood to his brain. He's....he's alive! Calvin sleepily walks by Mom and Dad at the table.

Calvin wakes up staring at a big frog. The frog scrambles down and forces Calvin's mouth open. Calvin tries to fight, but the slippery amphibian slides in and is swallowed. Calvin lies in bed saying he doesn't feel good. Mom says he sounds awful. He's got a frog in his throat.

Calvin, the elephant, wanders the African plain. He is the largest land mammal. His deafening call shatters the early-morning tranquility. Calvin is sitting atop Dad, who's sleeping in bed. Calvin gets ready to blow a trumpet.

Calvin tells Hobbes that he read cheetahs can run 65 miles an hour. He asks if tigers run that fast. Hobbes replies "of course". Calvin wants to see. Hobbes says he can't do it now. When Calvin asks why not, Hobbes replies he's not wearing his drag chute.

Sitting under a tree, Calvin asks Hobbes why they're here. Hobbes replies that they walked there. Calvin is referring to why they are on earth. Hobbes tells him because earth can support life. Calvin tries to clarify. He wonders why they even exist. Hobbes says because they were born. Calvin gives up and tells Hobbes to forget it.

Calvin says Saturday is the best day of the week. There are no demands, he says. He and Hobbes go to the sofa. The day stretches before him with unlimited opportunity. What better way to appreciate that opportunity than squandering it by watching cartoons all day.

Hobbes is giggling in his sleep. Calvin wakes up and notices Hobbes is dreaming. Hobbes sniffs, and Calvin wonders if Hobbes thinks he's in the jungle. Calvin is prepared to smack Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes crawls out of bed and heads downstairs. Calvin follows him and wonders why they're going to the kitchen. Dad turns on the light and asks if Calvin was sleepwalking. Calvin says he was wide awake, but Hobbes is the dope who's sleepwalking. Dad explains to Mom that he put Calvin back to bed, and he had no reason for being up. Mom notices that he had gotten out all the tuna in the house.

Calvin and Susie are at the cafeteria table. Calvin tells her his lunch is extra special. He explains he's been swatting flies and putting them in a jar. He got enough to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. He calls it "bug butter" and offers Susie a taste. Susie looks at Calvin and asks if he has any friends at all.

Miss Wormwood asks the class what the importance of the Battle of Lexington is. Calvin is sitting at his desk when Miss Wormwood asks for anyone to answer. She calls on Calvin, who is shocked and horrified. His hair stands on end, and his eyes bulge. He replies that it's hard to say. He thinks his cerebellum just fused.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for hamburgers tonight. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not. Mom replies that she's already fixing something for dinner. Calvin replies that he knows.

Calvin asks Dad why the sun sets. Dad explains that hot air rises, so the sun rises in the middle of the day. In the evening, it cools down and sets. Calvin asks why it goes from east to west. Dad replies "solar wind". Mom yells at Dad.

Calvin asks Hobbes to guess the number he's thinking of. It's between one and seven hundred billion. Hobbes guesses eleven. Calvin tells him to guess again. This time he tries six million and four. Wrong again. When Calvin tells him to guess again, Hobbes leaves. Calvin yells after him, "Don't you like games".

Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes destinies are determined by the stars. Hobbes doesn't, but Calvin does. When asked why, Calvin replies that life is more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.

Hobbes is sleeping. As he awakens, he notices his tail twitching. He gets ready to pounce on it. He leaps. Around and around Hobbes goes trying to catch his tail. Exhausted, Hobbes lies on his back. Calvin tells him that despite his display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, his tail still has a death grip on his butt. Head spinning, Hobbes asks Calvin to stop the room, he'd like to get off.

Calvin tells Dad his poll results are down again. Calvin explains that though his recognition factor is high, scandals continue to haunt him. Dad wonders what scandals Calvin is talking about. Bedtimegate and Homeworkgate are mentioned. Dad isn't worried. He calls them instances of true leadership. History will vindicate him. Calvin isn't so sure and wonders what his new Dad will look like.

Calvin has analyzed Dad's poor poll showing. Calvin says Dad's record in office is terrible, and the character issue is killing him. Dad's approval rating among six-year-olds barely registers. Calvin says Dad needs a slick ad campaign. Calvin calls it "The New Dad".

Calvin wants to create a "repentant, but learning" image. Calvin tells him to present himself as a regular guy learning the ropes of a difficult job. Dad thinks difficult doesn't begin to describe it. Calvin offers some slogans. "Dad - Gradually, he catches on" and "Vote Dad! This time he'll do better" are offered. Dad gets the idea.

Calvin tells Dad he has to polish his image. Calvin suggests a few magnanimous gestures might be in order. He has some suggestions. Dad can't wait to hear them. Calvin poses repeal of mandatory school attendance. He says that alone could rocket Dad to victory.

Dad doesn't think he needs an image consultant. Dad prefers to let the wisdom of his words and deeds speak for themselves. Calvin thinks that means Dad will have plenty of time to write his memoirs. Dad tells Calvin to go to bed. Calvin offers dire headlines, "Dad buried in landslide", "Stunned father inconsolable - demands recount", "Jubilant throngs fill streets".

Calvin and Hobbes are playing hide-and-seek. Hobbes counts to ten, while Calvin hides behind a barrel. After some time, Calvin realizes. He goes back into the house to catch Hobbes sitting on the floor reading comic books.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin says sometimes things go by too quickly as they roll down the hill. They're so busy watching where they're going to enjoy where they are as they watch the path of the wagon. They don't notice days going by. It's all a blur as they gain speed down the hill. It often takes a calamity to make them live in the present as they sail off the hill. Then Calvin says they see their mistakes, but it's too late to change anything as the wagon falls off below them. Calvin says "it's like..." as they fall from the sky. Hobbes asks what it's like. Calvin says "it's like something, but he can't think of it".

Calvin is waiting for the school bus. He says he has eleven more years to go, then college, then maybe graduate school. He'll then work until he dies. He complains that he only gets five years to be a kid. When he bemoans not being able to explore, discover, and play, Hobbes points out that he still has afternoons and weekends. Calvin tells him that's when he watches TV.

Calvin got a model airplane and asks Hobbes to help him make it. It's a model of a Phantom jet. Hobbes notices all the small pieces. Calvin gives Hobbes half the pieces. He tells him to put those together, and he'll do the same with his half. Then, they'll stick the two parts together. Hobbes asks if they shouldn't read the instructions. Calvin asks him if he looks like a sissy.

Calvin has the model kit on the floor with newspaper under it. Hobbes notices the instructions are in three languages. Calvin gets some glue on his hands. Hobbes says the instructions start in English, but then go into French and Spanish. Calvin is getting glue all over and says it's worse than mozzarella cheese. Hobbes can't believe the model is for kids six and up. Calvin now has glue on his shoes and both hands. Hobbes says you have to be tri-lingual just to read the instructions. Calvin hopes Mom likes the newspaper on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere.

Calvin breaks one of the wheel struts. He complains the parts are made so small. He figures that piece is optional. Hobbes can't get his wheel in the wheel well of the plane. Calvin tries but breaks that, as well. Hobbes says the plane is in for some rough landings.

Calvin looks at the completed model. It's a mess. He says their plane looks nothing like the picture on the box. Hobbes suggests they can fix it when they paint the model. Calvin says he can't paint that good. He wonders how they painted eyebrows on the pilot less than an inch tall. Hobbes thinks they superimposed a real jet onto a plastic stand.

Calvin hates the model. The parts didn't fit right, the instructions were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and glue got everywhere. He says it was six bucks down the drain. He can't think of an afternoon he's enjoyed less. Then, he figures with all the practice they got on that model, they'll do great on another one. Hobbes suggests a clipper ship with all the riggings.

Calvin's Phantom screams across the sky. He can't see out the canopy, it's all smeared. The throttle snaps off in his hand. Calvin can't land, because the wheels are stuck. He frantically tries to eject, but the cockpit is fused together. His jet is a hopeless mess. He shows his model to Hobbes and says "stupid model".

Calvin yells that he won't go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. He can do anything he wants. Mom comes over to him, picks him up, and takes him to bed. From the bed, Calvin yells they should enjoy it while they can. He'll be a hulking, surly teenager before they know it.

Calvin and Hobbes are standing by a puddle. Calvin asks Hobbes if he ever wonders if he's a reflection of the person in the puddle. Hobbes notes that he'd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle. Calvin agrees, and he says he hadn't thought of it that way before. Late at night, Calvin still stands next to the puddle with a worried look on his face.

Calvin and Hobbes are wearing cowboy hats shooting at each other. Hobbes tells Calvin he's shot six bullets. Hobbes has him now. Calvin says "zap". Hobbes wonders what that is. Calvin tells him it was his cattle prod.

Calvin has his hands clasped and asks Susie to guess what's in his hands. She wonders if it's disgusting. Calvin mulls that over. She asks if it's some creepy, gooey thing no one in his right mind would want to look at. Calvin offers that it depends on your point of view. Susie walks off, saying she isn't going to guess. Calvin tells her she might as well. She's nine-tenths there.

Calvin asks Mom if he was ever a grub. He clarifies. He wonders if he was a larva, did he really pupate at age two. Mom tells him to quit being so disgusting. She wonders where he got such an awful idea. Calvin tells Dad, who's sitting in his chair, that he should get his stories straight with Mom. He calls Dad Mr. Britannica.

Calvin is watching TV. Dad asks how he can stand cartoons. He says they're half-hour commercials for toys. When they're not boring, they're preachy. He complains the characters don't even move, they just stand there blinking. As Dad walks away, Calvin rolls his eyes and calls Dad "the Gene Siskel of Saturday Morning TV".

Hobbes is in the tree fort. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him up. Hobbes says he might be some other kid in disguise. Calvin calls Hobbes a hairball barfer. Hobbes says he can stay down on the ground forever. Calvin sees Susie coming and wants to be let up so they can throw things at her. Calvin apologizes for insulting Hobbes. He wants the rope dropped down. Hobbes tells him he has to say the password. Susie comes up behind him as he's on the seventh verse of the poem password. Susie says she was going to ask him to come over and play house, but she thinks he'd be a weird example for their children. Calvin yells up to Hobbes saying one of these days he'll make Hobbes into a rug.

Calvin asks Mom if he can use a garden shovel. She asks why. He and Hobbes are going on an archeological expedition. Mom suggests that if he's looking for fossilized remains, he could dig through his room. Calvin doesn't think that's too funny. He says he'll name an Australopithicus woman after her.

Calvin, wearing a pith helmet and carrying a shovel, is telling Hobbes about paleontology. He says scientists can tell how old something is by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hobbes touches Calvin's head. He looks at his finger and says Calvin must be six years old. Calvin says Hobbes is a scream.

Calvin says archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. He digs and scrapes for a while. Calvin looks up and says they have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. Hobbes holds up the brush they've been using. He says he doesn't think Dad will want to shave with that in the morning.

Calvin hits something. Hobbes tells him to carefully dig it up. Calvin pulls out something covered in dirt. He wonders what it is. Hobbes tells him to dust it off. Calvin does, and he holds a Coke bottle. Calvin surmises it's some bizarre skull. Hobbes says to look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater.

Calvin can't believe they found a dinosaur skull on their first archeological dig. Hobbes wonders if the rest of the skeleton is nearby. Calvin says that if they find it, they'll be world famous. Calvin thinks the grant money can buy a Porsche. Hobbes thinks his smiling face would look good on the cover of National Geographic.

Calvin is excited to find another bone. He wonders what it is. Hobbes holds up a fork. He thinks it could be a forearm and fingers. Calvin continues digging. He can't wait to see what the complete Calvinosaur looks like. Hobbes notices the bones come in decorator colors.

Calvin, the ant, comes out of the grainy tunnel and heads down the hill to the brick walk. Other ants are rushing around him. He reaches the monstrous dead caterpillar. Without pausing, he lifts it up. The queen demands his endless toil. Calvin heads back to the ant hill. Calvin is carrying a bundle of clothes. He's complaining that work is all he does around there. Mom, arms folded across her chest, tells him she hardly thinks Calvin picking up his room once in a while qualifies him as a slave.

Calvin looks at all the bones they dug up. He suggests they glue the parts together to see how they fit. Then, they'll draw a reconstruction of the dinosaur. After that, they'll write up their findings and be published in a scientific journal. They'll win the Nobel prize, get rich, and go on talk shows. Hobbes wonders about when they get babes.

Calvin finishes constructing the bones together how he thinks they should be. He asks Hobbes to draw the dinosaur as it really looked, with skin and muscles. Hobbes finishes the picture. Since the "dinosaur" has a Coke bottle for a skull, Hobbes' picture has the mouth open. Calvin wonders if it's whistling. Hobbes isn't sure, it might be puckering up.

Calvin shows Mom the skeleton he and Hobbes dug up. Calvin is going to call the Natural History Museum and offer it to them for ten billion dollars. Mom thinks those are peculiar bones. Calvin asks if he should ask for more money. That wasn't quite what Mom meant.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't think they found a skeleton at all. Mom says they just dug up some trash someone littered. Calvin says their dinosaur is a fraud. Hobbes laments that it wouldn't be right to sell the skeleton to a museum. Calvin suggests not at full price, anyway.

Calvin whispers to Susie, who's sitting in the desk ahead of Calvin. He wants to copy her paper. She tells him no. He sits and pouts. Then, he reaches into his desk for something. The teacher shouts his name when she sees him holding a periscope, looking over Susie's shoulder at her paper.

Calvin is holding his knee and yelling that he skinned it. He seems to be in real pain. He looks around and doesn't see anyone. He walks home, opens the door, then starts yelling again that he is hurting. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table.

Calvin pilots the airliner across the skies. He has clearance to land, but a plane from a rival airline is flying toward the same runway. It's a 600-mph game of chicken. Calvin pulls the throttle, and he lurches ahead. The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off by dropping altitude. Calvin turns on the "Fasten seat belt" sign in the cabin and does a barrel roll. Calvin tries not to black out at 5Gs. They close on the runway, but the other pilot has to pull up and circle around again. Calvin wins! Calvin, who's running around with a toy airplane, asks Mom if it's true that you can get a pilot's license at age 14.

Calvin runs up to Hobbes in a panic. Hobbes asks what's wrong. With a horrified look on his face, Calvin tells him that Dad told him he could use his binoculars as long as he was extra careful. He broke them by accident. Now, Calvin needs advice. He wonders if he should run away or commit hara-kiri. Hobbes thinks maybe both.

Calvin can't believe he broke Dad's binoculars. He's sure Dad will blow every capillary in his body. After Dad telling him to be very careful, he broke them. Hobbes asks how he broke them. Calvin just dropped them. Hobbes wonders why they broke just from being dropped. Calvin adds that he was tossing them to himself, as he ran down the sidewalk.

Calvin wonders if he can buy a new pair of binoculars before Dad gets home. Hobbes has thirty-five cents, Calvin has four dollars. He calls the store to find out how much a good pair of binoculars costs. Calvin, to his extreme horror, is told one to six hundred dollars. Calvin again worries about what Dad will do to him. Hobbes is sure he won't stop killing him.

Calvin didn't know binoculars cost so much. He says it was Dad's fault for letting him use anything so valuable. Calvin grabs Hobbes and yells to him "What am I gonna to do". Hobbes suggests telling Dad what happened. Calvin would wait until the coronary hits and make his getaway. He thinks that's an idea.

Calvin wonders if they could glue the binoculars back together and Dad not even notice. Hobbes asks whether the casing got chipped a little, or did the lens itself get cracked. Calvin tells him to look at it. He pours out what looks like powder from a box. He tells Hobbes not to sneeze.

Hobbes suggests telling Mom about the binoculars to see if she can help. Calvin tells him no way. Hobbes tells him he has to tell someone. Maybe Mom can think of something. Calvin tells him that at times like this, all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with him.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin scores. Hobbes accuses him of not touching all the bases. Calvin says that he did. Hobbes states Calvin didn't touch seventh base. Calvin points out that he did touch the water barrel after he touched the front porch. Hobbes clarifies that the barrel is twelfth base. Calvin thought the garage door was twelfth base. Hobbes informs him the garage door is twenty-third base. He accuses Calvin of touching all the bases out of order. Plus, he didn't touch the secret base. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes won't tell him, because it's a secret. Calvin can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. Hobbes tags him out and tells Calvin to give him a dollar.

Calvin watches Dad eating dinner. He suspects nothing. Calvin thinks Dad's radar is going off. Calvin is sure Dad knows something is broken, just not what. He knows Dad will just wait, letting Calvin stew in his own guilt. Dad figures sooner or later, Calvin will crack. Dad says Calvin's name. Calvin blurts out that he did it, he's sorry, and he didn't mean to. Dad was asking Calvin to pass something to him.

Dad is yelling at Calvin. He's telling him that he said to be extra careful with the binoculars. He yells the binoculars were brand new. He asks Calvin if he has no respect for other people's property. Calvin offers that he feels terrible about it, and that Dad doesn't have to rub it in anymore.

Calvin is sitting on his bed, hugging Dad. He cries that he didn't mean to break the binoculars. He says he's really sorry, and that he felt like barf all afternoon. Dad says he shouldn't have yelled at Calvin like that. He goes on to say it was only a pair of binoculars. That isn't so bad in the great scheme of things. Calvin sniffles "really". Dad tells him that in another ten years, he'll probably be wrecking his car.

Calvin shows Hobbes his new pair of binoculars Dad bought for him. Dad told Calvin that if he was going to break binoculars, they might as well be his own. Hobbes figures they can go to the beach and look at babes. Calvin wonders if he should break some of Dad's power tools to see if he can get some of those.

Calvin is opening a can. He hears rumbling. Suddenly, Hobbes slams into him and knocks him to the floor. Hobbes looks around rapidly. He says that either he's greatly deceived, or someone opened a can of tuna in the vicinity.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking at the stars. Hobbes says there are millions of them. Calvin says they're just a speck on a planet particle, hurling through the infinite blackness. After looking a bit longer, they run inside. Calvin wants to turn on all the lights.

Calvin, the bug, lives only to suck blood and spread parasitic disease. Calvin flies low over the picnic table, in search of a victim. His sensitive antennae detect human flesh. Calvin sticks his needle-like proboscis into a vein. Protozoans in his saliva quickly induce plague. Calvin is drinking a beverage through a straw at a picnic. Mom tells him to stop that awful slurping. It's making her sick.

Hobbes tells Calvin not to move, there's a bee on his back. Calvin tells him to shoo it away. Hobbes doesn't want it coming after him. Calvin asks if he's supposed to stand there all day. Hobbes tells him he doesn't have any choice. Calvin says he could be there forever. Hobbes gets an idea. Calvin yells for him to stay out of his room and not to read his comic books.

Calvin is still standing there complaining that Hobbes is reading his comic books while he's stuck with a bee on his back. Calvin complains Hobbes gets the comics out of order and folds the covers back. He asks what kind of friend would take advantage of a predicament like that. He answers himself by saying a lousy friend would. He calls Hobbes a stinker. Hobbes comes up reading a comic book. He asks Calvin if he's seen how the latest issue of Captain Napalm ended. Calvin yells for him not to tell.

Calvin threatens Hobbes that he'll kill him if he tells him how the Captain Napalm issue ends. He's waited all month to find out. Hobbes starts to give Calvin a hint, but Calvin tells him no hints. Calvin says that if there wasn't a bee on his back, he'd... Hobbes says maybe there is a bee on him, maybe there isn't. Calvin is flustered. Now he doesn't know if he can move or not.

Calvin asks if the bee is still on him or not. Hobbes isn't telling him, since Calvin called him a hairball. Calvin apologizes for calling Hobbes a hairball. He asks if there is a bee. Hobbes tells him no. Calvin moves and OWW! He gets stung. Hobbes tells him that today is opposite day. So Hobbes' no meant yes, there was a bee. Hobbes is in a tree at night. Calvin, armed with a baseball bat, is standing at the bottom of the tree. Hobbes reminds him that opposite day is over at midnight.

Calvin tells Mom he's not having dinner tonight. He says he's going to eat cookies in front of the TV. Mom looks at him, points her finger on his nose, and tells him that he'll sit at the table and eat what she's fixed, just like everyone else. Calvin says "Oh, yeah. That's what I meant".

Calvin calls someone on the phone and asks if they sell kegs of dynamite. They don't, so Calvin asks about plastic explosives...then land mines. Finally, he says he's trying to send a girl he knows to deep space. He asks if they could suggest something.

Calvin fills a water balloon with an evil grin on his face. He sneaks behind a tree. He sneaks over behind a barrel. He comes up behind the tree Hobbes is sleeping under. Calvin lifts the water balloon, and Hobbes says "As if life isn't short enough" without opening his eyes. Calvin stops, sets the balloon down, an lies down under the tree with a frown on his face.

Calvin tells Hobbes they need an attitude. Calvin goes on to explain you can't be cool if you don't have an attitude. Hobbes is puzzled. Calvin tells him they're all the rage. He wonders what kind of attitude they could have. Hobbes suggests being courteously deferential. Calvin rolls his eyes and sarcastically says "that's real cool".

Calvin announces he's decided to become a fatalist. He explains that all events are preordained and unalterable. Anything bad that happens isn't his fault, but is fate. Hobbes then trips Calvin, causing him to fall to the ground. Hobbes tells Calvin it's too bad he was fated to do that. Calvin yells up that it wasn't fate.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin asks if grown-ups will have the world fixed by the time they hand it over to young people. Hobbes doesn't think so, and Calvin agrees. As the wagon rolls onto the pier, Calvin says it's up to them. As the wagon sails into the air, with Calvin and Hobbes falling into the water, Hobbes says that he's not reassured. Calvin says that when he's president, he'll have things whipped into shape in no time.

Calvin is walking down the sidewalk with a baseball bat in his hand. On he walks, until he comes to a baseball lying on the grass. He picks it up and starts walking back. He hands the ball to Hobbes. Calvin tells him either they have to get a catcher, or Hobbes has to improve his pitching.

Mom is gardening, and Calvin comes up saying it looks like rain. Mom looks up and says there isn't a cloud in the sky. Calvin asks if she doesn't think it looks like rain. Mom says no and tells him to go away and quit being silly. Calvin walks away. He sneaks back within a few feet of Mom and places the water sprinkler on the ground.

Calvin tells Hobbes to get out of the hammock. Hobbes tells him it's not his hammock. Calvin says it's his turn, but Hobbes tells him to wait until he's finished. Calvin tries to climb into the hammock with Hobbes. Hobbes tries fighting him off. Later, Dad is trying to enjoy the hammock, but it's dragging on the ground. He says the crummy hammock always sags.

Calvin is in his swim trunks, slowly getting into the water. Hobbes asks how the water is, and Calvin tells him his feet are completely numb. He says if he goes in a half-inch at a time, he can stand it. He complains his trunks touch the water, stick to him, and get him wet before he's ready. Hobbes wonders why he doesn't just jump in to get it over with. Calvin says the shock would kill him. He thinks it's better to do it a wee bit at a time. Hobbes thinks it's better to do it all at once. Hobbes decides to show Calvin, so he jumps into the water. Calvin yells for him not to. SPLOOSH! Hobbes shivers and thinks Calvin might have been right. Calvin, soaked, says now they'll never know.

Calvin sees Mom and Dad loading duffel bags into the car. They're going on vacation. Calvin is thrilled. He and Hobbes will have the house to themselves. They can stay up late and can eat cookies for dinner. Dad opens the door and asks why Calvin is still in his room. He tells him to go. Calvin wonders what he's talking about. Dad tells him they're all going on vacation. They've been planning it all month. Calvin wonders what kind of vacation will it be if he has to go with Mom and Dad.

As the family is driving along, Calvin hopes they're not camping this year. He's told they are, which doesn't please Calvin. He complains about swatting mosquitos while lying frozen and cramped on rocks, no TV, and only canned food to eat. Dad cheerfully tells him that's why they brought bug spray. Calvin tells Dad to let him out. He'll hitch a ride home and see them when they return.

As they're paddling a canoe to the campground, Calvin reminds them of last year's vacation. It rained so hard they couldn't make a fire. He says it was one of the worst experiences of his life. Dad replies that it built character. Calvin asks why he can never build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere.

They paddle up to their campground. Calvin and Mom get out so Dad can hand over the gear. As Dad is telling Calvin not to drop the gear he's handing him, down it falls into the water. Calvin tells Dad not to worry. The water is only ten feet deep, and he can see the camera and everything. Dad replies that he's going to feed Calvin to the sea gulls. Mom tells him he came to relax.

Dad retrieves everything he can see in the water. He asks Calvin to get him a towel. Dad is dripping as he gets out of the water, complaining that the one bag Calvin drops into the water has all the fragile and perishable things in it. Mom tells him the week can only improve. Dad hopes so. Calvin asks Dad if he meant to stack the tackle box and all the other stuff on his glasses.

Calvin tells Hobbes not to go near Dad, he's a grouch. Calvin can't see why Dad can't be civil just because Calvin dropped a duffel bag overboard and Dad broke his glasses. They walk along a downed tree trunk. Hobbes asks if Calvin told Dad that he left the car lights on back where they picked up the canoe. Calvin thinks Hobbes should tell him.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Hobbes pops the ball straight up. Calvin comes in for the catch. He tells Hobbes this is an easy out. Hobbes just stands there. Calvin asks if he isn't going to run. He doesn't blame Hobbes because he's as good as out. Calvin has his glove ready to make the catch. Hobbes sticks the bat out and taps it away before the ball can fall into Calvin's glove. Calvin complains that Hobbes can't do that. Hobbes takes off running. He claims that's two hits on one pitch, so the run will count double.

Calvin calls into the tent Mom is sleeping in. He and Dad are going fishing, and he asks if Mom doesn't want to come along. She sleepily says no, she doesn't want to see slimy fish gasping and flopping in the bottom of the boat. She goes on to say all she wants is a decent newspaper, a fresh muffin, and a pot of real coffee. Calvin then asks why did they come to this spot for a vacation. She suggests he ask "Conan the Barbarian". Dad comes up with a smile on his face, offering to show Calvin how to put a worm on a hook.

Dad is paddling the canoe with Calvin at the bow. Dad says what a day. He talks about the fresh air, being up at dawn, the tranquility, no demands, phones, or pressures. He says "Isn't this the life". Spaceman Spiff, a prisoner on the Zog space galley, plans his daring overboard escape.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking up at the stars. Calvin says that without the street lights or pollution, it looks like you can see forever into space. Suddenly, there is a snap and a crunch from nearby. Calvin and Hobbes jump up. As they run back to the tent, Calvin says "if you've seen one star, you've seen them all".

Calvin is standing in the water. He tells Mom that he's up to his knees. He keeps telling her about looking where the water is, he's up to his knees. He steps in a bit further and starts telling Mom about being in above his knees. He keeps telling her to look. Mom is lying on a beach towel, in sunglasses, reading a book. She says she's enthralled. Calvin yells back that she's not even looking.

Calvin comes up to Dad, who's sitting on a rock painting a picture. Calvin asks what he's painting, a brontosaurus with rabies? Dad tells him he's painting the island across the way. Calvin waves his hands and asks Dad how far he can see without his glasses. Can he see him? Dad says that when he looks up, he better not be able to.

Mom is reading a book. Calvin comes up to her and starts telling her about Dad painting a picture. He comments on how the picture isn't coming out so hot, and Dad's in a bad mood. Calvin continues telling Mom about how he just asked one question, and Dad nearly bit his head off. He says it isn't his fault his picture is ruined. Mom yells to Calvin that she's trying to read. Calvin walks off telling Hobbes grown-ups get tense when they're recreating.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing tag. Calvin tackles Hobbes so that he's "it". Hobbes says that now he has to try to catch Calvin. Calvin asks if Hobbes doesn't have to go to jail or do push-ups. Hobbes says no, he's just "it". There are no penalties. Calvin asks if he gets free hits. Hobbes angrily says there are no free hits. Calvin thinks just a little one on the arm would be good. Hobbes tells him he doesn't have to be hit at all. Calvin presses for clarification. He asks about an Indian burn or noogies. Hobbes shouts no. He's "it", and that's all that happens. Calvin says okay, but he thinks any game without push-ups, hits, burns, or noogies is a sissy game. Hobbes suggests that Calvin can get hit if he wants.

Calvin complains there is nothing to do at the campsite. Hobbes suggests that's the point. It's good to stop running around. Hobbes says that sometimes you should just look at things and think about things, without doing things. Calvin says Hobbes is certainly the expert at that. Hobbes likes it when you're looking and thinking, then you wake up.

Calvin asks Mom if Hobbes can come in swimming with him. Mom says no, tigers don't swim very well. Hobbes is standing with goggles, a cap, and a life preserver on. He isn't sure Mom knows so much about tigers. Calvin tells him they're just trying to avoid an argument, as he gets ready to bring Hobbes into the water.

Dad tells Calvin to start packing, they're heading home. Calvin is glad. Dad tells him these little outings are valuable experiences. When Calvin asks how, Dad explains that they give them a chance to be together as a family and to learn about themselves. Calvin says like how they can't stand to be in such close proximity with one another so long. Dad says "Exactly".

Hobbes is lying on the floor sleeping. Calvin comes up to him and says all he does is lie in the sun. Hobbes says he has to. Calvin asks why. Hobbes explains that tigers' tummies are solar cells.

Calvin is playing when Hobbes comes up and asks him if he's hot. Calvin says no, but wonders why he asks. Hobbes goes on to say it seems warm to him. He asks again whether Calvin feels hot. When Calvin again says no, Hobbes asks if he isn't a wee bit, a smidgen hot. Calvin notices Hobbes' hands are behind his back. He asks what he has behind his back. We see Hobbes is holding onto a water balloon.

Calvin is in the sandbox, buried up to his waist. He reaches out to Susie and yells for her to get help. He says somebody filled his sandbox with quicksand, and he's sinking fast. Susie turns around and says to give her a break. Calvin yells back that her gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasn't so darn cynical.

Spaceman Spiff lands on an uncharted planet. He sets out in search of life. It's a strange planet, it's surface is soft and porous. Curious geysers blast hot air. Suddenly, it dawns on him. He's not on the planet surface. He's on a reclining alien. Calvin aims his dart gun at a sleeping Dad. Calvin says that our hero sets his death ray blaster.

Calvin is standing there holding a balloon on a string. He starts floating up into the air. Higher and higher he goes as he clutches the string with both hands. As he floats along in the sky, he says this probably just goes to show you something, but he sure doesn't know what.

Calvin is really moving with his balloon. He sees the river and the town triangle below. Calvin yells down for someone to tell his tiger that he's blowing away on a balloon. He yells to see if anyone can hear him. He adds to tell Hobbes that he can't read Calvin's comic books, just because he isn't there. Finally, he adds to tell his parents what happened.

Calvin is heading for a flock of ducks. Calvin flies through their formation. He apologizes as he passes through. After he gets through, he looks back and says "If looks could kill".

Calvin's hands are getting tired. He decides to tie the balloon string onto his belt loop. After he does that, he flips upside down. The balloon pulls his pants down a little, his shirt falls over his head, and his underwear is showing as he hangs. He says that if a plane comes along now, he's going to die.

Calvin, now rightside up, supposes it doesn't get any worse than hanging from a helium balloon a mile over some unrecognized state. He thinks about it, and decides he could get sucked into a jet intake or his grip could weaken. As a bird comes near, he says that's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

Calvin is just going higher and higher. He supposes eventually the pressure in the balloon will be greater than the air pressure around it, and the balloon will....POP! A horrified look comes upon Calvin's face, and down he falls.

Dad is going to read a bedtime story to Calvin. Calvin hopes it's not as boring as last night's. That put him right to sleep. Dad promises tonight's story will keep him up all night. It's called "The Disembodied Hand that Strangled People". Calvin is all excited, he's never gotten a scary story. Dad tells him the scary part is that they never found the hand. It could be anywhere. Dad puts his arm inside his sweater and grabs his throat. He yells "Oh no!! There it is!" . Calvin's eyes bulge out. Dad chokes out that it's got him. Calvin falls back onto the bed. Dad checks to see if Calvin has passed out. Calvin has. Dad walks out of the room saying he should have thought of that years ago.

As Calvin plummets back to the ground, he says this must be a dream. He says when you fall from two miles up in the sky, you look down and gasp. Then you wake up. Calvin looks down and gasps. He keeps gasping as he keeps falling to the ground.

Calvin wonders if his life will flash in front of his eyes. He keeps tumbling down. He says that's the problem with being six years old, his life won't take very long to watch. He hopes he can get a few slow-motion replays of the time he smacked Susie upside the head with a slushball.

Calvin continues to fall. He thinks about having gum in his pocket, then blowing a big bubble. No gum in that pocket. He tries the other. He finds his transmogrifier gun. Calvin says those things come in handy all the time.

As Calvin gets closer to the ground, he has nothing to worry about. He had forgotten his transmogrifier gun. He just points it at himself, and he's safe. ZAP! Calvin turns into a floor safe and continues plummeting to the ground.

Mom and Dad are at the dinner table. Mom asks Calvin where he's been. Calvin explains that drifted away on his balloon which popped. Then, he remembered his transmogrifier gun. After mistakenly turning himself into a safe, he transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. Calvin sits at the table. He looks at his meal. He then says that if he had known they were having that for dinner, he wouldn't have hurried. Mom tells him to sometime try transmogrifying into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.

Dad wants Calvin to pick up the sticks and fallen branches in the yard so he can mow it. Calvin asks if Dad will pay him. Dad says he'll pay one dollar. Calvin is indignant. He says he won't do it for less than twenty-five. Dad reminds him in a minute, he'll do it for free because he told him to. Calvin says he'll take the dollar.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin gets a single, so he has a ghost runner on first while he goes back to bat. His earlier ghost base runners advance. Hobbes calls them out. He says his ghost outfielder tagged Calvin's ghost runner and threw to the ghost second baseman. Hobbes says Calvin has two outs. Calvin angrily says his ghost runner from first base stole home, and he has another run. Hobbes says his ghost outfielders ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of Calvin's ghost runner. Calvin declares the ghost umpire suspended Hobbes' ghosts for eternity. Hobbes flips his glove off saying if his ghosts don't play, he doesn't play. Calvin declares a forfeit. Hobbes loses. Hobbes says the ghost crowd supports him. He says they're "boo"ing Calvin. Calvin sometime wishes he lived in a neighborhood with more kids.

Dad calls up the stairs for Calvin. They're ready to go to the zoo. Dad hasn't been to the zoo in ages. Mom says Calvin never has been. Mom has been telling Calvin about the zoo trip all week. She says he's so excited. Dad yells up again for Calvin. Calvin and Hobbes are in his room reading comic books. Hobbes asks where they have to go now. Calvin says it beats him. He says Mom and Dad are always dragging them some dumb place.

Dad holds Calvin up so he can see into the alligator pit. Calvin asks why they're in a pit. Dad explains it's so they don't get out and eat people. Calvin asks if the zoo ever throws anyone in. Dad tells him no. Calvin looks a little longer. Dad puts him down, and Calvin asks how soon until they go home.

Calvin runs over to the monkey cage. Mom shows him how monkeys use their tails and feet to climb. She says zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Calvin's eyes get wide and he points at the cage. He says to look what the monkey is doing in public. He laughs, says that's gross, and asks how come he's not allowed to do that. Mom tells Calvin to come look at the birds.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks of the zoo. Hobbes thinks it's kind of depressing. Hobbes feels sorry for the animals. They don't have much room to move, nor anything to do. He says they just sleep until they're fed. Calvin says that's pretty much all Hobbes does. Hobbes tells him he knows what he meant.

Calvin says there are some kids feeding the animals. Calvin pulls on Mom's skirt and asks if he can get some peanuts to feed to the animals. The skirt he pulled isn't his Mom's. It's someone else. She tells Calvin she's not his Mom, and Calvin is shocked. The woman asks if Calvin is lost. She asks what his Mom looks like. Calvin tells her that from the knees down, Mom looks just like her.

Calvin says he followed that lady halfway around the zoo, think it was Mom. He wonders why Mom's don't write their names on their calves so that type thing doesn't happen. He wonders where he is, and he wonders where Hobbes is. Mom sees Hobbes on the zoo bench. She asks where Calvin is. Dad says these little family trips always turn out this way. He plans on spending more Saturdays at the office.

Hobbes sneaks behind a tree, then through some tall grass. He crouches, ready to attack. Calvin is unsuspectingly playing in his sandbox. He's covered in shadow, and he looks up. Hobbes crashes down on him. Hobbes brushes off his arms and says tigers just live for that. Calvin, peeking up from the sand, says that he won't for long.

Dad figures Calvin could be anywhere at the zoo. He looks around and says he hopes Calvin has the sense to stay put, wherever he is. He wonders where the little rotter would go if he was lost and separated from his stuffed toy. Calvin leans over the wall at the tiger cage and is yelling in to them to listen to him tell them about Hobbes.

Mom is overjoyed to see Dad with Calvin. She asks where he was. Dad tells her he was looking at the tigers. Calvin explains that he followed another lady, thinking it was Mom. Then, when he realized he was lost, he went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Mom tells him to ask a person for help next time. Dad says that there won't be a next time, because they're going to tie him to a stake in the yard every weekend. Calvin tells Hobbes his compatriots were a fat lot of help.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Calvin asks if Hobbes knows what day it is. Hobbes doesn't, and he wonders why Calvin asked. Calvin replies there was no reason, he was just curious. They start to doze off. Calvin says he sure likes summer vacation.

Calvin looks at a couple flowers. He has a water can with him. He asks the flowers if they want some water. He says it's up to him whether the flowers get water or not. He controls their fate. Their lives are in his hands. Without Calvin, they're as good as dead. Without him, they don't.... It starts pouring. Calvin frowns.

Dad leans back in his chair. He says he sometimes feels like he works all the time to afford his place, and he never gets a chance to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. As he's commenting he has his weekends to enjoy things, he hears Mom yelling at Calvin. He's tracked mud all over the house. She shrieks when she sees the couch Calvin has walked across. Calvin says he saw a muddy guy go running. Mom makes Calvin go outside. Calvin yells that he knows when he's not wanted. Finally, there is quiet. Then Calvin tosses a water balloon at Dad and tells him to catch. Dad gets soaked. Calvin walks away saying Dad has good reflexes. He adds not to go into the house like that, Mom is in one of her moods. Dad thinks he could get a lot of work done on the weekends.

Mom is painting something when Calvin yells for her. He asks if she knows the living room couch. When Mom asks what about it, Calvin asks if she thinks it's too wide. Horrified, Mom puts the paint down and goes to the living room. Calvin is standing with a saw behind his back. He tells Mom he was just asking.

Calvin starts opening a can. He hears rumbling, realizes what's about to happen, and covers his eyes. Hobbes comes slamming into him. Calvin angrily picks up a chunk and shows Hobbes he was opening a can of pineapple, not tuna. Hobbes tells him all cans sound the same.

Calvin looks jittery as he walks along. He says the problem having a tiger for a friend is that he appears out of nowhere, coming right at you at 90 miles an hour. He looks around, startled. Calvin wipes his brow. He thought he had heard Hobbes. His heart is still pounding. He sees Hobbes on the floor. Mom tells him he hasn't been looking well. She suggests he should go to bed earlier.

Dad gets ready to leave for work. Calvin tells him it's too bad he can't stay home to enjoy the beautiful summer morning. As Dad walks to the garage, Calvin yells to him that when he's old, he'll be sorry he didn't take advantage of days like this. He says that's far off, but there's lots of work to do in the meantime. He adds that Dad should have a good long drive in to work. Maybe he'll get home in time to watch the sun set. Calvin closes the door, walking back into the house, saying he'd hate to have a kid like him.

Hobbes is lying under a tree. Calvin comes up with a water balloon. He asks Hobbes what he'd do if he got creamed by the water balloon. Hobbes tells him to take the worst thing he can imagine, then imagine something a hundred times worse. Calvin asks if he'd do that. Hobbes tells him he'd do something worse. Calvin hits Hobbes with the balloon and takes off running. Calvin says Hobbes piqued his curiosity.

Calvin blows a soap bubble. He watches it start to float off. Then it pops, "BIP". Calvin says "Wheeee".

Calvin and Hobbes line up for a race. When Calvin take a lead, Hobbes holds the back of his shirt. When Hobbes gets a lead, Calvin pulls his tail. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. As they're wrestling with each other, Hobbes finally gets to the finish line. Calvin, lying on Hobbes' back, says ten minutes is their best time yet for the 50-yard dash.

Hobbes asks Calvin what he's doing with all Dad's tools in the bathroom. Calvin tells him the faucet drips, so he's going to fix it. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin is going to fix it. As Calvin prepares to use the wrench, he tells Dr. Doom he can keep his comments to himself.

Calvin says fixing a faucet is easy. All you do is take it apart, see what's leaking, plug it up, and put it back together. Hobbes asks if Mom knows he's doing this. Calvin says no, it's a surprise. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says we all know how she loves surprises. Calvin is having trouble getting the handle off. He asks Hobbes to pass him the hacksaw.

Hobbes asks if you aren't supposed to turn off the water before taking apart a faucet. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that's the problem he's trying to fix. You can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks. Calvin wonders where Hobbes was when they were passing out the brains. Suddenly, water starts spraying from the faucet. Hobbes says he'll get some paper and carbons for Calvin's written apology.

In a panic, Calvin asks Hobbes how to turn off the water. Hobbes doesn't know. Calvin can't put a piece back in with all the water coming out. Hobbes goes to get Mom. Calvin asks if Hobbes has lost his mind. He says Mom can't find out about this. Hobbes believes she'll notice when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Calvin opens the medicine cabinet, looking for cyanide.

Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs reading. They hear Calvin singing about getting a bucket, that nothing's wrong, how many buckets do they have, no cause for alarm, and no need to panic. Mom and Dad look at each other, point at each other, and both say "Your turn".

Dad yells up the stairs asking what Calvin's doing. He says he's going to the bathroom as the toilet flushes. Dad asks if everything is alright. Calvin says things are fine and not to come up. Hobbes is flushing the toilet while Calvin is up to his waist in water.

Calvin, the tyrannosaurus, is king of the thunder lizards. Seven tons of muscle and teeth searches for prey. Mom sees Calvin hunched over with teeth bared. She tells him to stop stomping around. He's driving her crazy. Suddenly, Calvin bites Mom on the leg. As she chases him, Calvin asks how the fearsome tyrannosaurus became extinct. Now we know.

Dad hears the water, and he comes into the bathroom. He walks into the spraying water. He sputters about what's going on. He shuts the water off and looks for Calvin, who's hiding behind the shower curtain. Dad tells Calvin it's the end of the world.

Dad asks Calvin what he was doing. Calvin tells him he was looking for dental floss and the handle blew sky high by itself. He changes his story to Hobbes playing around with Dad's tools. Calvin tried to stop Hobbes, but he wouldn't listen. Dad gives Calvin one more try. Calvin tells him big, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto did it and made him swear not to tell.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking outside. Calvin complains that Dad blew his stack and calls Dad a sorehead. Calvin rants that Dad acts like nobody ever needed to call a plumber before. He says Dad has a job and can afford it. He says Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. Hobbes wishes that when Dad does, that Calvin would quit trying to pin his crimes on Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes not to start on him, too.

Susie is just missed by a suction dart arrow. She hands it back to Calvin, dressed in an Indian costume holding a bow. She asks if the arrow is his. He says no, and asks what it is. Susie sticks the arrow onto his nose and knocks him down. On his back, Calvin says that for a girl, she's remarkably perceptive.

Calvin has a bat on his shoulder and flips a baseball into the air. He swings and misses, as the ball falls to the ground. Calvin storms off dragging his bat on the ground behind him. He comes back with a golf club and prepares to hit the ball lying on the ground.

Calvin tells Mom to give him some cookies or he'll light the fuse and send them all to kingdom come. He has something in his hand. Mom looks at him and sees he tied a string to a hot dog. She tells him not to waste food and takes the hot dog from Calvin. He asks if he can have some cookies. Mom says no. Calvin says he wishes he could get his hands on some real dynamite. Hobbes asks if he can have the hot dog, or did Mom take it.

Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping in a tent in the backyard. They're reading a scary story. The bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glisten. Hobbes hears a noise. Calvin tells him the story is scary enough. SNAP! It must be the bog monster. Hobbes tells Calvin to turn off the flashlight. There is crunching and cracking outside the tent. Calvin says they're doomed. Hobbes says it's getting closer. They hear the tent flap being zipped. It's coming in. They scream, blind the bog monster with the flashlight, pull down the tent ropes, and run for it. Calvin sits on Mom's lap. She asks what he's doing in there, Dad had just gone out to check on him. As Dad yells from outside, Calvin tells Mom the bog monster must have gotten him.

Calvin floats around the room. There is no gravity. Calvin pushes off the ceiling and aims for the hallway. He glides with unchecked momentum. He turns himself so he can push off the next stationary surface. Mom scoots Calvin outside. She says he's really bouncing off the walls today.

Calvin puts on extra pants, three shirts, two sweaters, two sweatshirts, and another pair of pants. He waddles toward the door. Hobbes asks if he's still trying to learn to ride his bicycle. Calvin says he doesn't need any comments from Hobbes.

A shadow falls over the city's skyscrapers. It's a gigantic ant. One step pulverizes downtown. Millions die instantly. The ant brushes the city off the map. People flood to the streets in panic, only to be smashed in the wreckage. Calvin has his foot above an ant hill, ready to smash it. He decides maybe he won't.

Calvin asks Susie what she's doing. She's drawing on the sidewalk. Calvin asks if he can join in. Susie hands him some chalk. Calvin starts drawing. He says he's never been a vandal before. Susie tells him this isn't vandalism. The chalk washes right off. Calvin flips the chalk down and walks off.

Calvin feels one coming. He tells Hobbes to get ready. As he sneezes, Hobbes shoots the picture. Calvin asks if he got it. Hobbes shows him the picture. Calvin has his mouth open, sneezing. Calvin wonders why his school pictures can't look like that.

Calvin is in the toy pool. He tells Hobbes not to get in. Hobbes is roasting. Calvin tells him he'll get hair in the water. Hobbes deliberately rubs some hair into the pool. Calvin yells for him to stop that. Calvin gets out of the pool. Hobbes climbs in. With an evil look on his face, Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks he won. He says he's not even going to tell Hobbes what he did in the pool. Hobbes gets a horrified look.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding the wagon down the hill. Hobbes says summer is almost over, and it went by quickly. Calvin says there is never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

Calvin trips over a rock and falls face first to the ground. He gets up angrily, and he kicks the rock. He starts to walk off. The rock hits something and bounces back, hitting Calvin in the head, knocking him face first to the ground.

Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Hobbes is hungry. Calvin tells him breakfast isn't until tomorrow. Hobbes' stomach is growling. Calvin tells him to be quiet. Hobbes reminds him most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Calvin's eyes open. In the kitchen, he's making Hobbes a sandwich. He says sometimes he wishes he had a dog. Hobbes tells him more tuna and less mayonnaise.

There's a tyrannosaurus in the grocery store. It heads for the meat department and devours the butcher. Shoppers flee for their lives. It's mayhem, destruction, and carnage in the aisles. Mom sees Calvin has knocked cans off the grocery shelves. She asks if she can't take him anywhere. Calvin, arms out and teeth bared, now wants cookies.

Planet Calvin moves across the solar system. Nobody notices him until his orbit takes him between the sun and the earth. He causes a solar eclipse. The earth is in darkness. How long will Calvin stay there? Mom is trying to read a book, and Calvin is standing on the back of the sofa blocking light from the lamp.

Calvin reminds Dad Election Day is coming and asks if he's chosen a running mate. Dad asks what he means. Calvin informs him you can't be elected Dad without a Mom. Calvin asks if he's going to keep the Mom Calvin's had or get a new running mate. Dad smiles and thinks. Mom comes up and makes a fist. Dad says of course he'll stick with Calvin's Mom.

Calvin tells Hobbes that rituals are important. He says his favorite ritual is eating three bowls of "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. He says after a few hours, he's so overstimulated he can't sit still or think straight. Hobbes says it's like a transcendental experience. Calvin says he achieves a lower consciousness.

Calvin gives his dinner a funny look. He plugs his nose and takes a bite. He turns green, purple, blue, orange and yellow as he flops around on the ground, acting as if he's choking. Mom sits him back in his chair and tells him it's hamburger casserole. She tells him there isn't anything in it he doesn't like. He takes another bite. He says that bite wasn't so bad. He was able to choke it down. He says his stomach pains aren't as bad. He says the secret is suppressing the gag reflex. Once he swallows it, he can stand it. Mom sits at the table saying she's glad the meal is such a hit.

From inside the house, we hear "All right, I'm going". Then, "I can walk myself. OK, I'm going". Calvin is tossed out the door. Calvin yells back to the house that you think school's great now, but in a couple of hours you'll miss him.

Calvin is waiting for the bus with Susie. He wonders what happened to summer. He can't believe it's time for school again. Susie says she couldn't wait for this day. They'll meet new friends, learn all sorts of important things. Calvin looks at her. When she asks what he's looking at, he tells her that her bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.

Calvin has his hand over his heart reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. He pledges allegiance to "Queen Fragg...and her mighty state of Hysteria". Miss Wormwood drags him down the hall to the principal's office. Calvin says it's going to be a long year.

Calvin is sitting on a swing when Moe comes up to him. Moe tells Calvin to get off his swing. Calvin replies he's not afraid of Moe. He explains to Moe that he's so dumb that he's never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and greater maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Moe punches Calvin off the swing. Calvin, crumpled on the ground, says those TV nature programs will be the death of him yet.

Calvin asks Miss Wormwood if he could be excused. He says he has to go, bad. Miss Wormwood lets him go. Mom opens the door and asks Calvin what he's doing home. Calvin tells her he had to go.

Calvin stops at his front door worried about Hobbes pouncing on him. He pushes the door open with a stick. He says he's home. Nothing happens. He peeks in, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin asks if he waits until he sees the whites of his eyes. Hobbes, laughing, says he should have seen them. They were as big as dinner plates.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's read the papers lately. He says grown-ups really have fouled the world up. Acid rain, toxic waste, holes in the ozone, sewage in the ocean, on and on. They walk a little further, and Calvin says the only bright side is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting for.

Calvin packs his suitcase. He says it's outrageous how grown-ups have polluted the earth. He refuses to inherit a spoiled planet. He's leaving. Hobbes asks him "Where to". Calvin stops, puzzled. He tells Hobbes sometimes he's a real load to have around.

Hobbes suggests they could go to Mars to avoid Earth's pollution. Calvin figures if they go now, they can claim it and keep everyone else off it. Calvin goes off to get their wagon. Hobbes asks if they're going in the wagon. Calvin says of course, unless he wanted to flap his arms. Hobbes scratches his head and says he hadn't thought about that part. Calvin walks off saying "Obviously".

Calvin says goodbye to Mom. He's going to live on Mars, since Earth is too polluted. She tells him goodbye. Calvin stands by the open back door and tells her to say goodbye to Dad. If he can find an interplanetary post office, he'll write once in a while. Mom tells him he's letting in bugs. Either stay in or go outside. Hobbes tells Calvin she didn't see too choked up about them going. Calvin adds they should have left a long time ago.

Calvin and Hobbes are going down the hill in their wagon. Hobbes asks if they'll get enough lift to break the earth's gravity. Calvin tells him yes, he's thought of everything. Hobbes asks what they'll eat on this trip. As the wagon flies off the ramp they built, Calvin tells Hobbes it was his job to pack food. Hobbes says he packed food for him.

Calvin and Hobbes are in the wagon in space. Calvin says they cleared Earth's orbit. Calvin yells "Mars, here we come". Hobbes asks if he's sure this is the way. Calvin asks if he didn't bring the map.

Calvin kicks the football to Hobbes. Calvin goes for the tackle. He hits Hobbes, but nothing happens. Calvin tries picking up Hobbes' foot, but nothing happens. Calvin pulls Hobbes' tail, but nothing happens. He tries climbing on Hobbes to reach the football, but Hobbes simply holds it at arm's length. Calvin suggests they change to touch football.

Calvin says space travel makes you realize how small we are. The earth is a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space. Calvin wonders about the mysteries of creation. He thinks they're part of some great design, no more or less important than any other thing in the universe. Everything fits together and has a reason for being. He asks Hobbes if it makes him wonder. Hobbes wonders what happens when you throw up in zero gravity. Calvin tells him maybe he should wonder what it's like to walk home.

They are coming in through Mars' atmosphere. The wagon comes to a landing on the surface. Calvin says they're the first ones to land on another planet. What a historic moment! Calvin tells Hobbes he still can't believe Hobbes forgot the camera. Hobbes crosses his arms and says he did remember the camera. Calvin just didn't want to turn around.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking on Mars looking for signs of life. Calvin notices the old "Viking" spacecraft that landed in the 70's. Hobbes wonders if it's still working. They walk up to the craft, make funny faces at it, and make odd noises. As they walk away laughing, Calvin says that ought to blow some circuits at NASA.

Calvin decides to unpack and set up camp. They have comic books, candy bars, tuna, a can opener, and toothbrushes. They're all set. Hobbes brought along a night light. He thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. He goes off looking for an outlet.

As they're eating a candy bar, Calvin comments that Mars is dull, but it's better than Earth. They have the whole planet to themselves. No people, no pollution. Nothing but natural beauty as far as the eye can see. Hobbes asks if that's Calvin's candy wrapper on the ground. Calvin hastily says it was only there a minute, and he wasn't going to leave it.

Calvin and Hobbes both like it on Mars. It's very peaceful. Calvin also adds that Mom isn't there to boss them around. No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners. Hobbes looks quickly at the ground. He asks Calvin if that rock just moved. They hold onto each other and yell for Mom.

Calvin stands on the top stair of the case. He bends forward and hits his head on the next step. Then, he tumbles over and hits his feet on the next step. Again and again it happens. Mom runs over to the bottom of the staircase and asks if he fell down the stairs again. Calvin, stuck head first between the floor and the bottom step, says that's him, the human slinky.

Calvin and Hobbes look at a rock. It's moving. Hobbes says there's something under it. Calvin says it must be a Martian. He says it's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster. They see a tentacle come from under the rock. Calvin says it's coming out. He wonders what they'll do. When they see the Martian, and the Martian sees them, everyone jumps into the air and shrieks.

Calvin and Hobbes are hiding behind a rock. Calvin wonders if the Martian is still out there. Hobbes takes a look. He doesn't see him, so he tells Calvin he must be hiding. Calvin whispers to Hobbes asking if he thinks the Martian is scared of them. Hobbes tells him why not, they're afraid of him. Calvin says they're just ordinary Earthlings, not weirdos from another planet like he is.

Calvin asks why the Martian hid from them. Hobbes supposes Martians may not like Earthlings. Calvin wonders what there is not to like. Calvin yells to the Martian to come out, they're not bad. They just came to Mars because people polluted their own planet. He stops. Then, Calvin asks Hobbes if their reputation preceded them. Hobbes asks if Calvin would welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained.

Hobbes thinks they should go home to earth. Calvin agrees, thinking they may not be welcome there. He thinks they should fix up their own planet before messing around with other people's planets. As they start down a hill, Calvin says there's only one earth, and it has to last them a while. Hobbes adds they should also go home because they're out of tuna. Calvin hopes Mom and Dad haven't rented out his room.

As they ride in the wagon through space, they approach earth. Calvin says you can see the continents. He says if he remembers his atlas, they live in a big, purple country. Hobbes adds their house is by the giant "E" in the word "States".

Dad comes home from work, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes went to Mars. Calvin explains they went there because Earth is polluted, but they came home when they found Mars inhabited. Dad asks if he didn't like the Martians. Calvin tells him the Martians didn't like them. He thinks the Martians were worried they'd junk up their planet like they had junked up Earth. Dad asks why his good briefcase is out and why does it smell like tuna. Calvin says they go all the way to Mars, and Hobbes forgets the camera.

Calvin has shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall. How will he tell his parents when he's smaller than a penny? He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to Dad's camera. He climbs up and sets the self-timer. He jumps up in front of the lens. Calvin hopes Dad gets the film developed soon to discover what has happened. Dad's looking at what are terrible pictures. He doesn't remember taking them. He wonders who the little speck in the distance is. He asks if Calvin has been fooling around with the camera. Calvin says heck no. He suggests Dad get the camera fixed.

Calvin brings in the space alien he caught in his back yard to show and tell. He tells the class that for two days, he's kept it in a special zarnium-coated bag, feeding it pure ammonia. He opens the bag, and he has a hand puppet on. He makes a growling sound. Later, Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin tells him the teacher said both Mom and Dad have to sign his report cards this year.

Calvin scootches across the floor inside a box turned upside down. He moves over to Mom, sitting with a cup of coffee. In a robotic voice, he says he's a robot probe sent from Jupiter. He says his sensors detect trace amounts of chocolate in the pantry. He requests some to be loaded into his scoop for analysis. Mom refuses, saying it will ruin his appetite. Calvin says his mission must not fail. He tells the pitiful earth female to prepare for annihilation. He holds a rubber dart gun out. Mom tells him to go back to Jupiter.

Calvin tells Hobbes their lives are pretty nice. He says a lot of kids don't have as good a home life as they do. They really can't complain. They keep walking over rocks and fallen trees. Calvin adds that isn't to say they should go home yet. Hobbes asks when he thinks they'll see the car windshield.

Calvin asks Susie to guess what he brought for lunch. Susie wants no part of it. She tells him to sit somewhere else. He always says lunch is something revolting. Calvin is indignant. He asks what's so disgusting about peanut butter. He shows her the sandwich. Susie says she's glad that one day out of the year, he can be civil. Calvin tells her it's his dessert that's disgusting, a thermos full of phlegm.

Mom asks Calvin to get her purse. She needs her calculator. Calvin goes to get the purse. He hands it to her, and Mom thanks him. He stands there and clears his throat with his hand out. Mom says she isn't going to tip him. Calvin walks off saying he won't fetch anything again.

Calvin tells Dad Election Day is coming. People want to know where he stands on the issues. Dad asks which issues. Calvin informs him later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. Dad says he's against them all. Calvin asks if Dad's IRA is well-funded.

In the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he hates everybody. He can't see how anyone could fall in love, because people are jerks. Hobbes says that sometimes they are, but look at the colors of the trees today. Calvin looks around and says so what. Hobbes thinks it's more fun to see something like this with someone than by yourself. They look at each other. They walk off across a fallen tree. Calvin says he guesses, but he'd rather see this with a tiger than a person.

In bed at night, Calvin calls for Mom. Dad comes in and asks what's wrong. Calvin doesn't feel good. He says his stomach hurts, and he wants Mom. Dad crawls back in bed, to find Mom curled up with the covers. She asks why her. What's wrong with him, for crying out loud? Dad tells Mom she can ask Calvin. Then he tells her to let him back under the covers.

Mom groggily looks at the clock. She wonders why kids always feel sick at two in the morning. She sits on the edge of the bed, trying to wake up. She says Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. She says if he's going to get her up at that hour, he'd better really be sick. Mom opens her eyes wide when she hears Calvin barf in his room. She puts her arms out and shouts that she didn't mean it. Dad rolls over and tells her to pipe down, he's trying to sleep.

Mom tells Calvin it's been twenty minutes since he was sick, so she takes his temperature. While Mom is waiting, she yawns. With thermometer in mouth, Calvin says "Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin". Mom glances at her watch and asks what he said. Calvin repeats it. She turns around and asks why he didn't say so. She asks for the thermometer and says "Run".

Mom tucks Calvin back to bed and says she thinks the worst is over. She tells him to try to get some sleep. She says she's going back to bed, but that he should call if he feels sick again. Calvin weakly agrees. Mom closes the door and says "Poor little kid". Hobbes disgustedly pushes Calvin over and says there's nothing worse than a sick roommate. He tells Calvin to face the other way.

Calvin says it's scary being sick at night. He wonders what if something is really wrong with him, and they have to take him to the hospital. He gets more worried about having tubes and hoses stuck in him, having an operation, and it being the last night of his life. Hobbes, being kept awake by all this, says he could then look forward to having the bed to himself tomorrow. Calvin says there are few things less comforting than a tiger who's up too late.

The next morning, Mom asks Calvin if he feels better. With eyes nearly closed, he says no. She tells him she better make an appointment with the doctor. He says OK. Mom reminds him it's Saturday, so he won't miss school. He wearily says he knows. Now Mom knows it's for real. She runs to the telephone.

Spaceman Spiff lands on the planet Zokk. He prepares to explore the surface. Spiff's first step sends him careening through the sky. Spiff realizes Zokk has only a fraction of earth's gravity. With practice, our hero finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape. Dad opens the bedroom door and yells to Calvin to quit bouncing on the bed and go to sleep.

Calvin slowly puts his shirt back on. The doctor tells Mom that Calvin just caught the bug that's going around. He tells her to keep an eye on Calvin and let him know if Calvin isn't feeling better soon. Calvin sleepily walks away. The doctor tells him he was a good patient today. He then tells Mom there's nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. Mom says she'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.

Calvin is lying in bed. He says he gets to stay home from school. He gets to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. He says he wishes he could do that every day...like some people he knows. He looks over at Hobbes, who's also in bed with comics.

Calvin wants some more toast. He yells "Room Service". He tells Mom that got her up there real fast. Mom tells him tomorrow, he'll go to school.

Calvin thinks people worry too much about little things. He says all they do is make themselves unhappy that way. He asks Hobbes why get an ulcer over things that don't matter. Hobbes asks if he means things like the book report he's supposed to be writing now on the book he hasn't read. Calvin tells him "Exactly. Case in point".

Calvin is standing at the bus stop in his rain coat. It's pouring rain. He asks why he's standing in the rain, waiting for a bus to take him to a place he doesn't want to go. The rain keeps falling. Calvin says he goes to school, but he never learns what he wants to know.

Calvin tells Dad he hates school. He goes on to say he counts the hours until school's over, he counts the days until the weekend, he counts the weeks until the month is over, then counts the months until summer. He always has to postpone what he wants to do for what he has to do. Dad rolls his eyes and welcomes Calvin to the world. Calvin then asks if Dad will sign a parental excuse to get him out of the next 11 1/2 years of school.

Calvin sneezes, and his head blows off. He walks, headless, into the other room. He tells Mom he sneezed and blew his head off. Mom pulls his shirt down and tells him he's not fooling anyone. Calvin says Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.

Calvin is having trouble blowing up a balloon. He puffs into the balloon a few times. Suddenly, the air comes back from the balloon into Calvin's head. It puffs up several sizes too large. Calvin gives up and tosses the balloon over his shoulder.

Calvin asks Susie if she had any trouble with the math homework last night. Susie says she didn't. He thought a couple answers were tricky. He asks if he can check his answers with her. Susie agrees. Calvin asks what she got for question one. Susie tells him. He says that's what he got as he writes down the answer. He asks what Susie got for question two. Susie tells him to drop dead.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he has ever sat and watched ants. Calvin points out one ant and says it's carrying a crumb that's bigger than he is, and he's running. He tells Hobbes if you put an obstacle in front of him, he'll scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He says the ant doesn't let anything stop him. Calvin tells Hobbes he just can't identify with that kind of work ethic.

Calvin tells Hobbes the earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago. He says 3 billion years ago, bacteria appeared. Then came sea life, dinosaurs, mammals, and a million years ago, man. Then he says that in 1988, there's Calvin. He calls it "The Acme of Evolution".

Calvin and Hobbes rake up a pile of leaves. They run off, and come back with a carrot and a hat. They put them on the leaf pile, trying to make it look like a snow man. Hobbes says it's not quite the same. Calvin says it probably won't snow for at least another month.

Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping. Hobbes suddenly starts growling and roaring in his sleep. Calvin tries to wake Hobbes up, to no avail. He has a worried look on his face. He decides to sleep on the floor. As he lies there, he says Mom wonders why he never looks rested in the morning.

Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter to take a bath for him. Hobbes sits in the tub, while Calvin talks about washing his arms, dropping the soap, and washing his face. Hobbes offers to take his Wednesday bath for him, too. Calvin hands Hobbes a towel. Hobbes figures a few weeks of this, and he'll be rich. Hobbes dries himself with the blow dryer. They lie in bed when Mom comes to give Calvin a good night kiss. Calvin whispers for Hobbes to keep a straight face. BLEECH! Calvin is filthy. Calvin hands her the wet towel and asks if she didn't hear him take his bath. Back into the tub he goes. He wants his quarter back, but Hobbes says it's as good as spent.

Calvin finds a buckeye on the ground. He tells Hobbes how pretty and perfect it is. He says he's going to keep it. Hobbes asks what he'll do with it. Calvin tells him he'll try to dent Susie's skull from 50 feet.

Hobbes asks what Calvin is doing. Calvin is digging a hole to China. Calvin says if Dad is going to be a grouch, he'll just go live on the other side of the planet. Calvin tells Hobbes he can come along, too. There's another shovel in the garage. Hobbes wonders if Dad will get mad with them digging up the driveway. Calvin says Dad will get mad no matter where they dig.

Calvin shows off the super hero outfit Mom made for him. It has a mask and cape. He says he can fight crime without anyone knowing his true identity. He asks Hobbes if he's seen any crimes. Hobbes wants to know why he cares that nobody knows his identity.

Mom tells Calvin to take off his outfit at the dinner table. Calvin says he's Stupendous Man. Mom tells him to stop being silly and do what she asked. Calvin says he needs to wear his costume for dinner. Mom says he won't. Calvin says Stupendous Man has a stomach of steel.

Calvin is doing his homework. He tells Hobbes Mom won't let him go outside until he finishes. He suggests Hobbes help him so he can get done faster. He asks Hobbes what five plus seven is. Hobbes doesn't know, nor does Calvin. Hobbes suggests he write "I don't know" as the answer. Calvin agrees that's a true answer. He can write that for all the questions. He's done. Out the door he and Hobbes go. Inside the house, we hear someone saying they're going to have a look at their prodigy's homework.

Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to play outside. Calvin doesn't, he's watching TV. Hobbes reminds him he hates that show. Calvin explains that Dad was sick of arguing with him and told him he didn't care if he watch TV until his brains oozed out his ears. Hobbes asks if he's going to. Calvin tells him it was a hard-won privilege.

Calvin pilots his F-15. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile, the jet shrieks over the ground. The target comes into view, and Calvin fires. Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy. Mission accomplished! Calvin's school is reduced to a smoldering crater. Calvin gets off the school bus, heads toward the school, and sighs.

Calvin informs Dad that the polls indicate he won't be Dad much longer. He says Dad just isn't likeable enough. Those polled continue to find Dad a cold fish. Calvin suggests Dad do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Dad tells Calvin to go to bed. Calvin slaps his forehead and says it's too late for Dad to learn to tell jokes.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin calls the signals. Hobbes snaps the ball. Hobbes immediately turns around, jumps up, and tackles Calvin. Hobbes says there is another five yard loss. Calvin says they've got to get some other players.

Calvin gets out of bed, telling Hobbes he's lucky he doesn't have to go to school. He tells Hobbes he doesn't know what it's like to get up on cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Hobbes says he does know, and Calvin asks how. Hobbes curls up with the covers and says that Calvin tells him every morning. Calvin yells that he's sorry if he's keeping Hobbes awake.

Calvin is trying to catch Hobbes, who has the football. Hobbes keeps running, with Calvin in close pursuit. Hobbes goes into the house and crawls under the chair. Calvin, caught under the chair, complains this isn't how the game is played. Hobbes tells him he still hasn't tackled him.

Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to forget it, he just got on. Calvin says Moe will have to wait his turn like everyone else. Moe pulls him off and cocks his fist. Calvin, lying in a cloud of dust, says he keeps forgetting rules are only for little nice people.

Calvin is ready to snap himself the football. Hobbes is crouched on the other side of the ball ready to pounce. Calvin snaps the ball and Hobbes prepares to jump. Calvin flips the football to the ground for a fumble, where Hobbes pounces upon it and runs for a score. Calvin says he's losing the game, but he's winning an ambulatory adulthood.

Calvin gets off the bus after a rough day. He opens the door, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that if he thought that was funny, he should come back and fight. He trudges up the stairs. Mom notices he looks dirtied and asks what happened. He tells her not to ask. He heads to his room to change. When he opens his room door, Hobbes crashes into him again. Later, Dad asks where Calvin is. Mom tells him she sent him to his room for making prank calls to pet stores. He was asking them if they'd buy his tiger.

Calvin asks if he can borrow Susie's black crayon. She hands it to him, but tells him not to break it, don't peel the paper off, and to color with both sides so it stays pointy. Calvin asks why she just doesn't take out an insurance policy on it. She tells him not to ruin the crayon. She asks what he's drawing. Calvin tells her black bears attacking a black forest campground at midnight. Susie demands her crayon back.

Calvin looks at his soup and starts to complain about it having rice in it. Mom asks to see. Calvin shows her, and he tells her he hates rice. She tells him she didn't put rice in. Those are maggots. Dad frowns, puts his hand to the side of his face, and says this is another lovely meal at home with his family. He wishes his job required more travel. Mom tells him that Calvin's eating the soup now. Calvin can't wait to tell everyone at school what they had for dinner.

Calvin stops and says "Uh oh". HOOP! His head stretches vertically. EEP! His head stretches horizontally. He tells Mom he has the hiccups something terrible.

Calvin and Hobbes are dressed in cowboy hats. Hobbes shoots Calvin with his finger. Calvin grabs his chest and falls backward. Hobbes hands him something. Calvin asks what it is as he shakes it. Hobbes tells him it's his death rattle.

Calvin tells Susie it must be awful to be a girl. He goes on to say it must be frustrating to know men are bigger, stronger, and better at abstract thought than women. Calvin asks if you were a girl, what would make you go on living. Susie replies the thought of jerks like him begging one of them for a date when they're 17.

The tyrannosaurus stalks the ground. The five-ton carnivorous lizard can run faster than a rhino. What could be more horrifying? The dinosaur hears "Stop that clomping around". Calvin, hunched over with teeth bared, says "besides the blood-curdling roar of its Mom".

Calvin has an art project. He supposed to draw his pet. Since he doesn't have one, he's going to draw Hobbes. He has Hobbes look ferocious. Calvin has trouble drawing the picture. He gets angry and crumples the paper. He says he hates his class. Hobbes asks to try. Hobbes says drawing tigers automatically makes your picture fine art. Calvin likes the picture Hobbes is drawing. He adds a couple heads next to the tiger to look as if he ate a village. Calvin thinks that's great and that he'll have the best picture in the class. Calvin is explaining to the principal that Hobbes drew the picture, not him. He asks if the principal thinks he could draw anything that good himself.

Calvin is writing an assignment. He writes that he wants to be an inventor. He writes that he'll build a time machine, and go to yesterday. Then, he'll take himself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.

Calvin comes home from school. He stands outside the house, yelling for Mom to open the door for him. Mom does, but mentions the door wasn't locked. He tells her sometimes Hobbes is ready to pounce on him when he returns home. Mom tells him not to call her to come open the door unless it's locked. Calvin says he sure outsmarted Hobbes this time. When he enters his bedroom, he sticks his tongue out at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin a sissy.

Calvin walks along with a frown on his face. He says he's in a bad mood today. Everyone should steer clear of him. He goes on to say he hates everybody. He says everyone can drop dead, for all he cares. People are scum. He crosses his arms and keeps the scowl on his face. Then he asks if someone doesn't want to cheer him up.

Calvin walks up to Hobbes, who's lying on the ground. Calvin says he's in a bad mood. He tells Hobbes to get out of his way. Hobbes sits up and holds his paw out. Calvin is puzzled. He's startled as Hobbes pops his claws out. Calvin turns around to walk away. He grumbles that a pet dog would have gotten out of his way.

Calvin warns Mom he's in a bad mood. Mom, working in the kitchen, tells Calvin to be in a bad mood elsewhere. She's busy. Calvin looks back over his shoulder and says his biological mother would have bought him a comic book and made him feel better instead of shunning him like she did. Mom crouches down to tell Calvin anyone but your biological mother would have left him to the wolves long ago. Calvin doesn't believe her and asks how much she paid for him.

Calvin asks Hobbes what his tail is for. Hobbes isn't really sure. He guesses it's because they look so good. Calvin asks if it's sort of a necktie for his butt. Hobbes accuses Calvin of being jealous.

Calvin looks to the heavens and yells for snow. He keeps yelling for it to snow. Then he says he doesn't care. He likes this weather and hopes it stays like that forever. He gets to his knees to beg for snow. He clutches his hands together in prayer. He just wants a foot, then eight inches, then he'd settle for six. He yells that he's waiting. He runs around in circles. Finally, he stops. He looks again to the heavens and asks "Do you want me to become an atheist".

Mom yells asking who made the mess. Calvin says it wasn't him, it was a horrible little Venusian who materialized in the kitchen. He continues explaining this creature had a diabolical high-frequency device and pointed it at various objects. Calvin sits on his bed saying "Mothers are the necessity of invention".

Calvin comes home from school. KAPOW! Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin walks in all disheveled. Mom asks if he stepped on a land mine. Calvin asks when Dad is going to build the tiger pit he keeps asking him about.

Mom is looking for Calvin. She comes up the stairs asking where he is. She looks in a closet and says she's getting tired of this. She says she means it and wants him to come out for his bath. Calvin is outside his bedroom window sitting on the roof. He says sooner or later, Mom's going to have to question whether this is worth all the trouble.

Calvin is standing waiting for the bus. He looks up and says he wishes it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so they'd have to close school. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists, wishing for snow. Something's coming down. Unfortunately for Calvin, it's rain. Calvin is now standing in the rain waiting for the bus. He says it was so close, yet so far.

Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the middle of a totally demolished living room. Calvin is holding a bat, Hobbes a ball. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks God lets you plea bargain. Hobbes says he'd worry more about Mom.

Calvin calls Dad at work to ask him to tell a story. Dad tells Calvin he's busy and doesn't have time to read a story. He says he's expecting several calls and to get off the phone. Calvin tells him he'll stay there growing at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with his Dad, who's always working. Dad starts reading a story about a hydraulic pump, the wheel shaft flange, and the evil patent infringement. Calvin says he wants a good story.

It's Stupendous Man, champion of liberty, defender of free will. Some fiend plans to establish a totalitarian system of rule. It's as he expected. It's his arch-enemy, Mom lady. Calvin has his hood and cape on, and Mom says she told him to go to bed. As Mom carries him up the stairs to bed, Calvin says Stupendous Man's powers are no match against his adversary. Stupendous Man is vanquished. After being placed in bed, Calvin wipes his cheek. He says this would have been plenty humiliating without the goodnight kiss. Mom tells him to take off the silly hood before he smothers in his sleep.

Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized. Our hero must climb out and fix it in zero gravity. Upside down, Spiff clings to the spaceship. One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond. Calvin is hanging upside down, holding onto both sides of the doorway while Mom tries to push him out the door to go to school.

Calvin can't figure out how Santa runs his operation. He asks how Santa can give toys away. He asks Hobbes how Santa buys raw materials for the toys and how he pays the elves. There's no income to cover the costs. How does he do it? Hobbes suggests deficit spending. Calvin agrees, but wonders where he'll be when it all catches up to Santa.

Calvin is writing to Santa. He writes that this year he's been extra good. Hobbes, looking over Calvin's shoulder, starts laughing and holds his paws over his mouth. He turns away, continuing to fight the laughter. Calvin looks at him with squinted eyes and a frown. He suggests perhaps Hobbes needs a drink of water. Laughing, Hobbes agrees and leaves.

Calvin brings a bunch of paper to Mom and asks if she wants to read his letter to Santa. He hopes he didn't forget to ask for something he wants. Mom notices the list is alphabetized. Calvin says he cross-indexed the accessory items Santa will need to get. Mom says the papers say "Volume One". Calvin tells her it's "atom bomb" through "grenade launcher". Mom says he's going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.

Calvin looks out the window and sees it snowed. He asks Mom to turn on the radio to see if they closed school. He hopes the buses froze up and the principal can't get out of his driveway. Mom tells him to get dressed. It only snowed an inch. As Calvin walks to the bus, he says getting an inch of snow is like winning ten cents in the lottery.

A lone knight charges up the hill toward the giant cave at the top. The monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a fireball. The knight is fried to a crisp. The dragon circles overhead, daring other fools to come after him. Calvin is in bed with a nasty grin. Mom asks if he brushed his teeth. Calvin tells he to come and see.

Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says he's been good all day so far. Hobbes asks if Christmas is getting near. Calvin wonders if it's truly being good if the only reason he behaves is to get more loot at Christmas. All he's doing is saying he can be bribed. He wonders if that's good enough, or does he need to be good in heart and spirit. As they crash into a tree and go flying, Calvin asks if he really has to be good or does he just have to act good. Hobbes, covered in snow, says in Calvin's case, Santa will have to take what he can get.

Moe tells Calvin he's going to pound him in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin tells him to get his kicks now. He calls him a glandular freak. He says once Moe grows up, he won't be able to beat people up for no reason. Moe comes back, rolling up his sleeve, saying Calvin is right. Calvin, stuffed halfway through his locker door, says that wasn't what he meant at all.

Calvin asks Susie what grade she got. She happily replies an "A". Calvin says he'd hate to be her. He got a "C". Susie asks why on earth would he rather get a "C" than an "A". Calvin tells her he finds his life is a lot easier the lower he keeps everyone's expectations.

Calvin is getting dressed. He asks if he has to wear the dorky clothes and get his hair combed. Mom tells him that Dad is going to take his picture. They're going to put a picture of Calvin in their Christmas cards so everyone can see what he looks like now. Calvin replies that's a dumb idea. He wonders why they're doing that. Dad says it's so they won't have relatives dropping by to visit.

Dad aims the camera. He asks Calvin for a nice smile. Dad starts the count. Calvin is sitting nicely with a pleasant smile on his face. When the count reaches three, Calvin makes a weird face. CLICK! Dad chases Calvin. Calvin tells Dad that his hair is getting messed up.

Calvin is sitting on the stool again. Dad tells him he doesn't have much film left. He tells him to quit making faces. He says he would have been done 20 minutes ago if Calvin had cooperated. He tells Calvin to give him a smile and hold it. Calvin partly closes his eyes and opens his mouth strangely. CLICK! Dad yells. Calvin claims that was a smile.

There are photos Mom and Dad are looking at. One looks like Calvin had sucked a lemon, one has him shaking his face back and forth, one has him leaned back so you see up his nose, one has his looking backward. Dad says they can't send those in the Christmas cards, people would think it's sacrilegious. Mom says the pictures do look like Calvin, except for the combed hair.

Calvin has a slushball. He sees Susie coming and says this is his chance. Susie sees him cocking his arm. She tells him he'd better not throw the slushball. Santa Claus is watching him right now. Calvin stops, and he thinks. Finally, he lets loose the slushball. WHAP! Calvin rejoices. He says it was worth it. He's not sorry. It was beautiful, and he'd do it again in a minute. He laughs. Suddenly, he sees Susie coming after him. He runs. Calvin, now buried in snow, says Santa's going to skip this block for years.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks there are any monsters under the bed tonight. Hobbes doesn't know. He wonders how you can tell without looking. Calvin says one way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. Hobbes asks how that tells you if you have monsters. Calvin replies that sometimes they laugh.

Calvin is cold. He asks why they keep the house so cold. He tells Dad to crank up the thermostat and start a fire. Dad has a better idea. He has Calvin follow him. He opens the door and asks Calvin to step outside. Dad closes the door. He tells Calvin in a few minutes he can come back inside, and the house will seem nice and warm. Calvin yells back that he's telling the newspapers about him.

Calvin asks Dad to read "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad doesn't want to read that again. He asks to read something different tonight. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says he's read it a thousand times. Calvin puts his hands together and begs Dad to please read it. Dad agrees. Calvin asks for him to do the squeaky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, also. Dad asks if he can't read something else.

Mom wakes up to hear Calvin calling loudly for her. She goes to his room and asks what's the matter. Calvin asks if people grow from spores. Mom yells that it's 2 AM and he is asking her if people grow from spores. She asks if he's out of his mind. She wonders why he's even awake. She tells him to go to sleep. After she leaves, Calvin tells Hobbes she didn't answer, so she must not know. Hobbes says it's true.

Calvin says it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school. He says three months are plenty. He offers himself as an exhibit. He's smart. He doesn't need 11 1/2 more years of school. It's a waste of time. Hobbes asks him how he got all the way to the bus stop with both his feet through one pant leg. Calvin says he fell down a lot. He asks Hobbes what his point is. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he was just curious.

Calvin asks Mom how his peanut butter sandwich is coming. He reminds her to use chunky, because he won't eat smooth. He wants it open face. He tells her not to put jelly on it and use normal bread. He doesn't like those weird grain breads. He asks her if she cut it diagonally. He likes triangles more than rectangles, so he tells her to cut it right. Mom sets the sandwich down and says "Your majesty's sandwich". Calvin looks at the sandwich. He complains he got a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly. He asks if Mom wasn't listening.

Calvin wakes Hobbes up and tells him it's Christmas. Hobbes asks if he's sure, since it's still dark outside. Calvin says it's four in the morning. He hops out of bed. He asks Hobbes to see if Santa left their loot yet. He says he'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but they can at least count their packages. Calvin sees all the presents. Hobbes hands him one and says it's strange Santa would go to the bother to wrap a box of coal. Calvin starts dividing up the presents by who's getting them. He thinks Santa goofed up. Hobbes hasn't gotten any gifts. Calvin yells to Mom and Dad that Santa didn't get Hobbes anything. Calvin hugs Hobbes and tells him it's a present from him. He hopes it fits. Hobbes tells him the best presents don't come in boxes. He'll treasure it forever.

Calvin and Hobbes look out the window to the evening. The moon is shining in the sky, snow is on the ground. Calvin says there's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear, freezing, moonlit night. Then he adds, "through a window, that is".

Calvin points to the full bathtub and says he can't take a bath in that. The water's boiling, and he'll scald himself. He asks Mom if she's trying to cook him alive. Mom opens the bathroom door and says by the time he quits fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming, takes off his clothes and gets in, the water will be fine. Calvin does and says his Mom really knows him.

Calvin is getting dressed. He complains every day he has to get up and go to school. He says nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But today, he goes for the gusto. He dresses in a space helmet and cape. Hobbes suggests Calvin should ask Mom if it's okay.

Calvin tells Hobbes that he really got in trouble in school today. Hobbes asks what he did, but Calvin doesn't want to talk about it. They walk on a bit more. Hobbes asks if it has anything to do with all those sirens about noon. Calvin tells him he said he didn't want to talk about it.

Susie asks if Calvin brought something for show and tell. Calvin says yes. He brought some charred rocks and ashes from his back yard. He says it's dramatic proof UFO's landed near his house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into a fragile gray dust cube. Susie looks at it. She says it's an old charcoal briquette. Calvin says as they speak, aliens are infiltrating the highest levels of our government.

The giant octopus glides across the ocean floor. At the sight of an enemy, he releases a cloud of ink and makes his getaway. Susie is covered with ink, raising her hand and calling for Miss Wormwood.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he made any New Year's resolutions. Calvin promises to quit hiding his feelings so much. He says from now on the world will know exactly what he thinks of it. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says Calvin has certainly been the model of self-restraint and understatement until now. They walk along for a while. Calvin thinks about it. He adds that he's also resolved not to put up with sarcastic tigers. Hobbes tells him if he sees any, he'll tell them.

Calvin is shoveling snow. He asks why they can't buy a snow blower. He says they must be the only family in the world that shovels the driveway by hand. He complains it's freezing. Dad opens the door and tells him to keep at it. It builds character. Calvin says it's pretty convenient that every time he builds character, Dad saves a couple hundred dollars.

Calvin and Hobbes are both covered with snow. Hobbes says the next time they go down the hill, he gets to steer. Calvin complains that Hobbes steers like an old lady. Hobbes replies that he's tired of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. Calvin retorts that they missed the briar patch. Hobbes clarifies that they did by going down into the gully and into the stream. Calvin tells him he makes everything sound so terrible. He says Hobbes should be glad they're alive.

Calvin has created the finest snowball ever made. He's handcrafted a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. He calls it the ultimate winter weapon. As he continues praising his snowball, he's smacked by a snowball thrown by Hobbes. Hobbes says Calvin is another casualty of the seduction of art.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the best way to get what you want. He asks if it's better to hold fast and not back down or to compromise. Hobbes answers it's best to hold fast when you can and compromise when you need to. Calvin says that's a lot more mature than he thinks he cares to be.

Calvin and Hobbes are watching television. Calvin thinks the short attention span of television is great. As far as he's concerned, if something is so complicated you can't explain it in ten seconds, it's not worth knowing anyway. Calvin says his time is valuable. He can't go thinking about one subject for minutes on end. He's a busy man. Hobbes adds that he's been sitting there watching television for three hours.

Calvin is warming his hands by the fire. He says there's something magical about having a fire. He comments on the crackles and snaps, the warm, flickering light. He says everything seems safe and cozy if you're sitting in front of a fire. He sits back against Hobbes, who's sleeping on the floor. He says it's even better when you have a hot tiger tummy to lie against.

Calvin and Hobbes run out to build the best snow fort ever. Calvin plans for five foot high walls, and turrets every fifty feet. He shows Hobbes where an inner wall will be, along with a bin to store snowball reserves. The snow isn't wet enough to pack. Calvin realizes it will take forever to build just the outer walls. Hobbes is cold. Calvin is too, so they go inside to have hot chocolate by the fire. They decide to draw the snow fort. Calvin wonders where the ice spikes should go. Hobbes tells him, and also thinks Calvin got more marshmallows in his chocolate than Hobbes did.

The bay doors open and out falls Calvin, the C-bomb. Calvin is about to unleash the power of a million A-bombs. He streaks toward his target. Mom grabs Calvin by the shirt as he runs by. He has a bat in his hand. Mom says "Oh no you don't".

Calvin asks Dad to read "An Ode to Tigers" at bedtime. Hobbes wrote it. Dad reads the zebra's stripes are lacking hues, they don't compare to you-know-who's. It's camouflage and stylish, too. Yes, tigers look best. It's true. Dad asks if this goes on. Calvin tells him for pages. He asks Dad if he thinks it's pretty tedious.

Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes pounces on him and knocks him into the snow. Calvin says the snow cushioned the blow to his spine, so now he can die of pneumonia. Hobbes makes fun of Calvin, mocking him with "Has oo got de sniffoos".

Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the snow. Calvin likes the cold, gray winter days. He says days like these let you savor a bad mood.

Calvin has built a loop out of snow on the downslope of the hill. Hobbes is standing nearby as Calvin pulls the sled up the hill. Hobbes tells Calvin to try it. He'll watch. Calvin calls him a sissy.

Calvin puts a snowball on the head of a snowman. He's going to be the next William Tell, and he'll hit the snowball clean off. He throws a snowball. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says "ouch". Calvin complains that he flinched.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the toboggan. Calvin asks if Hobbes is ready. He says yes, so off they go. Hobbes steps off the back of the toboggan. He brushes the snow off himself and watches the toboggan go down the hill. He turns his head at one point, covering his eyes. He covers his mouth at another. He looks into the air, following Calvin's journey. As Calvin comes back up the hill, covered in snow and branches, Hobbes tells him he told him so. Calvin tells Hobbes to help him gather the sled, and he calls him a sissy.

Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet surface. An alien approaches. In the blinding light, Spiff can't tell whether the alien is friendly or hostile. Mom comes in to yell at Calvin who's still sitting on his bed. She tells him to get ready for school. Spiff, being carried off by the alien, says that it's definitely hostile.

Calvin is tossed out the door. Mom tells him the bus will be by any minute. Get going! Spaceman Spiff, captured by the Zogwargs, is being transported to the labor camp. Our hero hatches a plan. He makes his break. Using the planet's weaker gravity, our hero is away like a shot. Mom looks out the window. She says she sees the bus, but why doesn't she see Calvin?

Spiff escapes! Dad asks if Calvin got on the bus. Mom says she didn't see. Dad mentions he saw someone darting behind a tree. They look and see it again. Dad asks if that's Calvin. Spiff inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket. The Zogwargs have spotted him.

Mom gets on her coat and tells Calvin to get over there. Our hero blasts off on his jet pack. Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff. The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters. Spiff fires his death ray blaster. Calvin is throwing snowballs at Mom as she chases him. She tells him he's digging his own grave.

Mom drags Calvin back telling him he's in big trouble. She asks why he didn't get on the bus. Now she has to take him to school, and Dad will be late to work. She tells Calvin he's inconvenienced everyone and asks if he has anything to say for himself. Calvin tells the Zogwarg Queen to give him liberty or give him death. Mom turns from the steering wheel with teeth clenched. She tells Calvin not to tempt her. She also tells him to call her Mom.

Susie asks Calvin why he was late to school. Calvin tells her he was going to skip, but he got caught. When Susie asks how he got caught, Calvin tells her Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Susie asks if his Mom had to chase him. Calvin tells her he couldn't believe it when Mom cleared the hedge.

Calvin hides behind a tree. He plans to cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs. Susie is busy making a snowman. Calvin misses with the toss. He blames the cross breezes. Then he throws several snowball, which all miss Susie. She taunts him by saying he's the worst shot in the world. She says if it wasn't for gravity, he wouldn't hit the ground. SMACK! Susie gets nailed by a snowball. She runs after Calvin, who gleefully comments he did it when it really counted. After going home, Calvin tells Mom that he has bad news. He says he promised his soul to the devil that afternoon. Mom asks if it was that recently.

Calvin is on the telephone asking for the tool department. He asks the price of circular saws, then electric drills. He asks how big a bit the drill will hold. Then Mom walks by. Calvin acts as if he's talking to Susie about a school assignment. After Mom passes, Calvin apologizes to the tool department and asks about acetylene torches. He tells them to ring it up. He has Dad's MasterCard in his hand.

Calvin complains about all the homework he has to do. He tells Hobbes he doesn't want to do the homework, and he wants to play outside. Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says "childhood is short and maturity is forever".

Calvin tells Hobbes that people are rotten. He says when he grows up, he's going to live a million miles from everyone. Hobbes asks how he'll survive and eat. Calvin suggests Mom could come by twice a day to cook. Hobbes says that would be quite a commute.

Calvin comes home complaining about an assignment he got. He has to write about an adventure he had. Calvin argues that his life has been one big bore from the beginning. He's never been abducted by pirates, never faced down a charging rhino, been in a shoot-out, or on a bombing run. Hobbes asks about the time he backed the car through the garage door. Calvin doesn't think that was an adventure. He never even got on the highway.

Dad is shoveling snow when Calvin asks him when he thinks they'll get a thunder and lightning storm. Dad says probably not until spring. Calvin walks back to Hobbes, who's standing next to a snowman prone on the ground. Calvin says he thinks the snowman will melt before they can bring him to life.

Calvin asks Susie to stand on the "X" he made in the snow. Susie asks why. Calvin says there's no reason. He dares her. She refuses, then walks away. Calvin pleads for her to do it, but Susie tells him to get lost. Calvin looks at his bunch of snowballs sitting on a plank lying on top a log. He says this may not work out as well as he thought.

Mom tells Calvin to eat his dinner. Spaceman Spiff is held over a pit of putrid pasta. Our hero's mind races furiously. The aliens say that he's had his chance. Let's make him eat. Calvin looks surprised, points behind Mom and Dad, and tells them to look behind them. When they look, Calvin runs off. One alien says the human scum has escaped. The other says tomorrow morning, he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast.

Hobbes looks at all the snowmen Calvin made. Calvin says they're effigies. Each one represents someone he hates. Calvin says when the sun comes out, he'll watch the snowmen melt until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. Hobbes looks to the distance. He says he didn't know Calvin knew so many people.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing a book about his life, titled "Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation". Hobbes asks what exploits he's referring to. Calvin admits that's the problem. He asks Hobbes for some he could do.

Susie doesn't want Calvin to sit next to her at lunch. She doesn't want to know what revolting thing he has for lunch today. Calvin tells her to relax, he's not going to tell her what he has. Calvin looks at his sandwich and says he sure feels sorry for his tapeworm. Susie yells for Miss Wormwood.

Calvin puts a snowman on his toboggan. He tells Hobbes it's a crash test dummy. He's going to see if the hill is safe to go down. Calvin pushes the toboggan forward, and down it goes. They both watch the toboggan. Hobbes holds his paws over his mouth and says he thinks he's going to be sick. Calvin proclaims he wouldn't have steered that way. He says the snowman deserved it.

Calvin claims the air pressure in the room is too high. He sucks in his cheeks and stretches his eyes vertically. He says his organs are in danger of collapsing. He's about to implode. Mom, Dad, and Calvin are sitting at a restaurant table. Calvin says they have to get out of there. There's too much atmosphere. Mom tells him to sit still and behave. She tells him they can't eat at fast food places all the time.

Calvin complains the television shows are rotten. There's no imagination in the bunch. He asks Hobbes who they think is stupid enough to sit and watch this trash. As Hobbes walks off, he says "You". Calvin replies if there was anything better on, he would watch that.

Calvin makes a bunch of tiny snowmen. He stands in the middle of them. He gets an evil look on his face. The tyrannosaurus is loose in the city. People are running in fear.

Calvin sees Mom with her hair wrapped in a towel. He says since she showered now, she and Dad must be going out. He also notices that he wasn't asked to clean up, so that means he's staying home. Since he's staying home, that means Mom has gotten a baby sitter. With a gasp, he realizes that means Mom probably hired Rosalyn! Mom confirms his fears by saying "Brilliant, Holmes". Calvin yells in horror.

Calvin runs to his bedroom warning Hobbes that they have to hide since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes says they're usually in bed by 6:30. Calvin adds they get no TV, no horsing around. She walks in and sends them straight to bed. Hobbes complains she doesn't even give them a good night kiss. Calvin makes a face and asks if he would really want her to.

Calvin asks Dad where they're going that night. He wonders why he and Hobbes can't come along. Dad says they're going to dinner and a movie to get some time by themselves. Calvin says that he could come. Hobbes wouldn't kill anyone. Calvin asks why they can't come, why aren't they wanted around. He asks if the movie's dirty or something. Dad tells Mom that they'll have a dinner with real pauses in the conversation. Can she imagine?

Mom lets Rosalyn in. She tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs hiding from her, so she may have an easy evening. Rosalyn says that would be good, since she has to study for a big test tomorrow. Upstairs, Calvin and Hobbes are listening around the corner. As Hobbes rubs his paws together, and Calvin puts on an evil smile, he declares that tonight is "The Revenge of the Baby Sat".

Rosalyn is studying her papers at the table. Calvin comes up and asks what she's doing. She tells him she has to study tonight, so she wants it quiet. Calvin says he understands and tells her he and Hobbes won't make a peep. He asks to see what she's studying. As Rosalyn tells him not to touch anything, Calvin grabs her notes and runs away.

Rosalyn chases Calvin, who has her study notes. Calvin and Hobbes run into the bathroom. They lock the door just before Rosalyn gets there. She tells Calvin through the bathroom door that if he doesn't open the door, his parents will never find his remains. Calvin holds her papers over the open toilet and tells her "Here go your notes".

Calvin gets a valentine in the mailbox. It's from Susie Derkins. Calvin reads the card, which says "Be my valentine". Hobbes starts making fun of Calvin. He starts singing "Calvin and Susie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Calvin says he's not her valentine just because he got that in the mail. He asks if the Postmaster General knows about this. Hobbes continues ridiculing Calvin by singing "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage". Calvin is horrified to think he has to kiss Susie if they're valentines. Calvin wants a lawyer. He says she can't make him her valentine. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Susie says hi to Calvin, who throws the valentine on the ground. He tells her to get away from him, and he's not her valentine. He tells her to take her card back. Susie tells Calvin the card wasn't for him. She asks if he read the back of the envelope. When Calvin looks at it, it reads "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes". Calvin is shocked! Hobbes, with a smile on his face, says "Hot Dog! Smooch City, here I come".

Rosalyn pounds on the bathroom door telling Calvin he has two seconds to unlock the door and return her science notes. Calvin suggests she adopt a more humble attitude. He warns her she wouldn't want anything to happen to the notes. Rosalyn rattles the door knob, calls Calvin a "Scummy little troll". As she's telling him what she'll do when Calvin's parents get home, she hears the toilet flush. Calvin tells her "There's one page". Rosalyn is horrified.

Rosalyn grits her teeth and says Calvin had better not really have flushed her notes. She has a test tomorrow. Calvin says with that at stake, his demands should seem reasonable. Rosalyn says he doesn't get any demands. She wants him to open the door. As Calvin walks over to the toilet, he says a high school senior should catch on quicker. He says he should write the school board. Hobbes readies the "torpedo tube".

Calvin tells her he hopes she memorized the page already, because she'll never see it again. She tells him not to flush it and asks what his demands are. Calvin tells her he wants to stay up until his parents drive in. Then, he wants Rosalyn to get a pizza and rent a video player. She tells him he's out of his mind. Calvin continues and asks if she's writing these down.

Hobbes doesn't hear Rosalyn any more. Calvin calls out to her. No answer. Calvin wonders if she went away. Hobbes says they still have her notes. Calvin can't figure out what she's doing. Hobbes wonders if she's calling the fire department to open the door with an axe. Calvin thinks that would be great. He hopes they bring their biggest truck. Hobbes hopes Mom and Dad are having a restful evening.

Calvin opens the bathroom door and peeks out. He calls to Rosalyn, asking if she's calling the fire department. She darts around the corner and grabs Calvin. As she carries him off, he tells her he didn't really flush her notes. He says they're all there and asks her not to kill him. He's put to bed. Hobbes points out it's 7:00. They got to stay up a half hour longer than usual.

Calvin builds a snowman he is using as a Calvin decoy. He dresses the snowman in his hat and coat. He tells Hobbes he's going to hide behind the tree and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy. He'll find out who his enemies are. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says Calvin's enemies must not be too bright. Calvin agrees, saying that's why they're out to get him. They can't stand his genius. As Calvin hides behind the tree, Hobbes yells that he sees a way his plan might fail. Calvin tells him to quiet down. Hobbes smacks Calvin with a snowball. Calvin, poking out upside down from the snow, says his plan to discover his enemies was a complete success. Hobbes says it's too bad he took off his hat and coat, because he must be soaked.

On their sled, Calvin says they're at the top of "Suicide Slope". Below them are the skeletal remains of hundreds of little sled riders. Searching for that ultimate adrenaline rush, they prepare to go over the brink. What fate awaits them? Calvin asks if Hobbes is ready. Hobbes says no. Calvin goes on to say life and death hang in the balance. A fraction of a second and one wrong term is all that separate them. Hobbes tells him this isn't helping.

Going down the slope, Calvin says Dad tells him the anticipation of something is often more fun than having it. Calvin thinks he's crazy. Calvin hates waiting for things. He likes to have things immediately. As they fly over a small gorge, Calvin can't think of anything he'd rather anticipate than have. He asks if Hobbes does. Hobbes covers his eyes and says death. As they head into the briar patch, Calvin doesn't know why he bothers discussing things with Hobbes when he's always so morbid.

Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes snow was dry so you didn't get all cold and wet when you play in it. Then, he mentions that you couldn't make snowballs, which is bad. He then wishes it snowed in summer. But that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. As he and Hobbes walk away, he decides things are okay as they are. Hobbes is glad he approves.

Calvin and Hobbes are each in a snow fort. There is a bunch of snowballs lying on the snow in front of each fort. Calvin says he thinks their snow forts are too far apart.

Calvin bends his knees and jumps into the air. POP! His skeleton comes up from his skin. Calvin, the skeleton, leaves his skin in a pile and walks away. He says now he'll see if Mom jumps out of her skin.

Mom is sewing in her chair as Calvin walks by. Calvin walks by later with a conical hat and a cape. Mom keeps sewing. She hears a CLUMP and walks to the window to see what it was. She sees a ladder sitting against the wall. She races out of the house, looking up at the roof. The pteranodon spreads his wings and prepares to soar.

Calvin, eating a bowl of cereal, tells Hobbes he could order an official Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs beanie. It has a battery-powered propeller on top and a star on the front. Hobbes notices you need to send in four "Proof of Purchase Seals" to get it. Calvin hands him a bowl and tells him to not just sit there or this will take forever. Hobbes says that cereal always makes his heart skip.

Hobbes feels sick. Calvin chides him by telling him it's only his second bowl of cereal. Hobbes complains that it's pure sugar. Calvin retorts that it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Hobbes responds that it's like eating a bowl of Milk Duds. Calvin shows him on the box where it says its' a part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast. Hobbes points out the picture shows a guy eating five grapefruits and a dozen bran muffins. Calvin is shaking from all the sugar. He tells Hobbes that the reason Hobbes is shaking is due to a vitamin deficiency, he bets.

Calvin asks Dad how his breakfast is. Calvin describes Dad's oatmeal as a bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. He offers Dad a bowl of "tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Dad says no thanks. He's trying to reach middle age. Calvin asks Mom if she's having boring old toast and tea. Mom tells him if he wants the beanie, he eats the cereal.

Calvin's still eating cereal. He says he has one and a half more boxes to eat before he has enough "Proof of Purchase Seals" to order the propeller beanie they offer. He pours himself another bowl. He looks into the box. He says he has one and one third more boxes to go. His cheeks puff out and he sticks his tongue out. He says "Man, I'm earning this".

Calvin excitedly tells Hobbes he ate enough cereal and has enough proofs of purchase to order his beanie. Calvin thinks it will be so cool, he can't wait. Hobbes tells him it says to allow six weeks for delivery. Calvin is shocked! In six weeks, he'll be old. Hobbes pats his head and says his beanie will be the talk of the rest home.

Sitting in the school bus, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Sitting at his desk in school, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Getting off the school bus at the end of the day, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. He asks Mom if his beanie came in the mail. She tells him she just mailed the order that day. Calvin shuffles off saying he'll never make it six weeks.

Calvin tells Hobbes "A penny for your thoughts". Hobbes says his thoughts are worth a buck apiece. Calvin says that's outrageous, no thoughts are worth a dollar. Hobbes says his are. Calvin wouldn't give a nickel for any thought Hobbes has had in his whole flea-ridden existence. Hobbes raises the price to ten dollars. Calvin refuses to be extorted. He tells Hobbes to keep his thought. Hobbes tells him he'd beg to pay it if he knew what it was. Calvin asks Hobbes to tell it. Hobbes refuses. Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter. It's all he has. Hobbes demands to see the quarter. When he's paid, Calvin asks Hobbes what is his big, expensive thought. Hobbes replies "A fool and his money are soon parted". That starts a fight.

Calvin is chattering away at night in his bed about his beanie. Calvin hopes it comes soon. He thinks it's been six weeks. He goes on to say he ordered the red beanie, but what if it's not in stock. Should he take the blue one or wait for a reorder? Hobbes rolls his eyes. Calvin continues talking about always wanting a beanie. He says it will be so cool to have it. A red one...or a blue one. He asks Hobbes if he thinks it will come tomorrow. Hobbes is covering his head with a pillow trying to sleep. He says it sure had better.

Sitting at his desk at school, Calvin dreams of flying over the town in his beanie. He dreams of flying with the jet airliners. Mom asks him how school was. Calvin says it was a blast...did his beanie come today?

At his desk, hands clenched in prayer, Calvin prays for the beanie to come in the mail that day. He promises he'll never be bad again. He promises never to ask for another favor if he gets the beanie today. He runs in the house and asks Mom if the beanie came. She says no. Calvin goes outside, looks into the sky, and yells "What's it take, huh".

Calvin tells Hobbes he gets his hopes up every day, thinking his beanie will come, then it doesn't. Every day that goes by, he figures, increases his chances the next day will be the one. His hopes get higher and higher before they fall. He says he's been disappointed so often, he thinks he's getting numb to it. Hobbes says maybe the mailman made a second trip and came by and delivered it in the last five minutes. Calvin races off saying he never thought of that. Hobbes replies that he's not numb.

Calvin is sitting on the steps. He keeps sitting there, and he starts to doze off. Suddenly, he perks up and runs to the mailbox. He opens it, and he pulls out a couple envelopes. He looks disappointed. He says the longer you wait for the mail, the less there is in it.

Calvin walks through the door, looking tired. He asks if his beanie came in the mail. He's sure it didn't. Mom gives him the box and tells him it did come in. Calvin is ecstatic. He says it took weeks of waiting, but it's finally here. He gets to finally put it on. He tears the package open with a wild look in his eyes. He pulls out a paper from inside the box. It reads "Some assembly required. Batteries not included".

Calvin complains to Hobbes that he's only having a little fun, when he should be having a lot of fun. Since it's Sunday, he only has a precious few hours of freedom before he has to return to school. He has to squeeze all the possible fun out of the day. Valuable minutes are disappearing, as Calvin is not having the time of his life. He tells Hobbes they have to have more fun. Off they run. Hobbes says he didn't realize fun was so much work. Calvin says when you're serious about having fun, it's not much fun at all.

Calvin isn't happy that he has to assemble his beanie propeller and motor himself. Calvin asks if they think he's an engineer. He has to insert wires into a plastic switch. He says he can't do this. Hobbes offers to try. Calvin says no and grabs the switch away from Hobbes. He says Hobbes will probably goof it all up. SNAP! Something breaks. Calvin is horrified, but Hobbes says when you insult a tiger it's bad luck every time.

Calvin is horrified! His motor broke, the piece snapped. He's worried his beanie propeller won't work. He rants that he waited for weeks, and now it's broken. He never got to wear the beanie. He turns to Hobbes and says it was his fault. He tries to hit Hobbes, who holds him away by his head. Hobbes reminds him he was just sitting. Calvin broke it. Calvin angrily accuses Hobbes of willing him to break it by using some subliminal thing. Hobbes concentrates and says he's willing Calvin to go jump in the septic tank.

Hobbes asks Calvin why he's mad at him. Calvin doesn't even want to talk to Hobbes. Hobbes points out Calvin broke the beanie, not him. Calvin insists Hobbes distracted him. Hobbes points a finger at Calvin and says he was just sitting there, Calvin broke it by himself. Calvin sniffles his agreement, then adds that considering his life is in shambles right now, couldn't Hobbes at least take the blame.

Calvin sadly brings his motor and propeller to Dad, asking if he can fix it. Dad looks at it and decides Calvin only broke the battery case. He glues it together and inserts the switch. He holds it up and declares it good as new. He says they'll let it sit so the glue dries. Calvin happily says Dad fixed it. He can't believe it. He calls out to Mom that Dad actually fixed something.

Calvin runs out to show Hobbes his completed beanie. He puts it on and asks Hobbes how it looks. Hobbes thinks about it and says adjectives fail him. Calvin turns the beanie on. The propeller spins. Calvin says he doesn't seem to be lifting off. This is very peculiar. Hobbes points and says that's the word he was looking for.

Calvin tells Hobbes the beanie isn't making him fly. He asks what's the point of a propeller beanie if you can't even fly when you wear it. Hobbes offers that the point isn't "style", certainly. Calvin kicks the beanie and complains that he ate all that cereal, waited all those weeks, assembled it, and it doesn't fly. What a rip off! He says it's not a total loss, though. It came in a great cardboard box.

Calvin is sleepy and sighs at his school desk. Suddenly, the desk grows into a dinosaur. Calvin hops onto the dinosaur as it runs out of the school. Miss Wormwood smacks Calvin's desk with a stick, and he wakes up. Gradually, his eyes close again and he sighs. This time, he's flying on the back of a pterodactyl.

Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door and tells him this is the third time she's called him. He needs to get up. Calvin grumbles that he doesn't want to get up or go to school. Mom says he has to, whether he wants to or not. Calvin sits up in the bed and tells Mom that for her information, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Mom asks if that's so. Calvin, standing outside waiting for the school bus, says Mom sure can make you want to do something.

Calvin is grousing about not wanting to catch the bus or go to school. With a frown on his face, he says he's tired of everyone telling him what to do. He hates his life, he hates everything. He wishes he was dead. He thinks about it, then says not really. He says he wishes everyone else was dead.

Susie says hi to Calvin. HMPH, he grumbles. Susie asks what's the matter. Calvin tells her to go step in front of a cement mixer. Susie calls Calvin a jerk. She tells him he can just stand there and be grumpy all by himself. Now Susie is frowning. Calvin gives a nasty smile and thinks nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.

Susie asks Calvin what he's so mad about. She asks if he didn't find all the bugs he needed for his insect collection. Susie asks where his collection is, since it's due today. Calvin, with a start, says he forgot his collection. Susie tells him to go home and get it. He might make it back before the bus arrives. Calvin gets on the ground and says that's not what he meant. He tells Susie to help him find some ants. She asks if he forgot it entirely.

Calvin is running around trying to catch bugs. He tells Susie to help him. She explains they were supposed to be working on the projects all month. She tells him he can't do the whole thing on the last morning while waiting for the bus. She asks how he could possibly have forgotten it. She tells him it's all the class has been doing. What has he been doing? Susie asks if he doesn't care about getting a good education. Calvin, on hands and knees looking for bugs, asks Susie if he can have any bugs that fly into her open mouth.

Susie tells him the bus is coming. Calvin finds a bug. Susie tells him he's wasting his time. The teacher will know he didn't spend any time on the collection. Calvin tells her to stall the bus driver. Susie reminds him they were supposed to have 50 insects. He'll be lucky to have any. Calvin jumps into the air and stomps on a bug. He holds his shoe up to Susie and asks what kind it is. He tells her to scrape it off. Susie runs off, telling him to get away from her.

Mom opens the bedroom door and tells him to get out of bed, he's going to miss the bus. He stands at the blackboard doing a math problem. Miss Wormwood tells him to sit down if he doesn't know the answer. Moe holds him up by his shirt, clenches his fist, and asks Calvin if he wants to see if there's an afterlife. As Calvin tries to go out his bedroom window, he's told he can't go out to play until his homework is done. Calvin stirs his dinner, and Dad tells him just to eat it and not to play with it. Mom tells him to quit stalling and to take his bath. Dad turns off the TV and tells him he can't stay up later and to go to bed. Mom comes in after Calvin climbs in bed. She kisses his forehead and tells Calvin to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big day. After the light is turned out, Calvin sighs.

On the bus, Calvin is still looking for bugs. He checks the bus window. Susie can't believe he's doing this. He tells her to ask another kid if he has bugs in his window. Susie tells him there's no way he'll complete an insect collection on the way to school. She tells him to forget it. He agrees. Then, Calvin asks Susie how much she wants for her collection. He starts at a quarter, then raises it to thirty cents. Susie replies that she spent a month on it.

Calvin looks at a puddle. He sees a worm. He asks if worms are bugs. Susie tells him that worm has been floating for days. Calvin has ten minutes before class starts. If he catches five bugs a minute, he'll get an "A". He finds another insect on the ground. Susie tells him that's a little ball of lint. Calvin is sure the teacher won't look real close at every hairy bug in 30 kids' collections.

The bell rings. Calvin doesn't have his insects. He has a drowned worm, a piece of fuzzy lint that looks like a bug, a live ant, and a smashed fly. Susie offers that if he scientifically names them in the next 30 seconds, he might get an "F+". Calvin asks if he has to label them, too. He was going to put them all in an envelope. Susie says she doesn't think there's any way he'll get an "F+". Calvin suggests that for all that work, he should at least get a "D".

Calvin asks how Susie mounted her bugs. She tells him with pins, in a box. Calvin decides to mount his bugs on notebook paper. Tape doesn't work too well as he tears the worm. He asks Susie for her paste. She makes a face and suggests at the rate he's going, maybe he'd prefer a stapler.

Calvin whispers over to Susie to help him think of scientific names of his bugs while the teacher's not looking. Susie tells him they're not supposed to talk in class. She tells him to do it himself. Miss Wormwood asks if Susie is having a pleasant conversation. Susie is horrified! Miss Wormwood asks her to move up front so she doesn't distract Calvin anymore. Calvin says he tried to get her to be quiet, but you know how girls are.

Susie is angry at her desk. She's mad at Calvin. He didn't do his assignment, he was the one who was talking, he should be sitting up front instead of her. As she covers her face with her hands, she thinks she wasn't doing anything wrong, but she got in trouble. She hopes Calvin feels bad about it. Calvin is writing Susie a note which asks her how the view is up there. He writes that he wants her to try to steal a chalkboard eraser for him.

Spaceman Spiff blasts across the galaxy. Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the next problem. A Zok death sloop appears and fries Spiff's stabilizers. He hurls out of control toward his doom. Calvin writes the math problem on the chalkboard. The situation is desperate. What can our hero do? He downshifts his spacecraft and...stalls. Calvin writes a bunch of numbers and lines on the board. The class bell rings. Oh, darn, out of time. Spaceman Spiff once again beats all odds to save the day.

Susie is passed a note. It's from Calvin. He wrote a poem. Roses are red, a deep crimson hue, when you got in trouble, you sure were too. Susie is enraged. She starts writing a note to Calvin, calling him dirty, rotten, lousy, stinking, and a nasty piece of moldy scum. As she's writing, Miss Wormwood catches her and asks if she's now writing notes in class. Once again, Susie is horrified!

Calvin, at his desk, thinks that Susie is really in trouble. He wipes his brow and thinks he got a break when the teacher blamed Susie for everything. Suddenly, he worries if Susie will rat on him, if they'll make her sing, if she'll squeal, and if she'll finger him. Susie is talking to the principal. She tells him she was worried he wouldn't believe her. The principal brings out a folder bulging with papers. He says they have quite a file on their friend, Calvin.

Calvin sees Susie returning from the principal's office. He thinks she looks pale. He wonders what happened. Calvin whispers over to her. He asks what they did to her. Did she get expelled? He asks if she snitched on him, and Susie looks at him with an evil smile. Calvin says she's a stoolie, a canary. She tells him he's going up the river.

Calvin is telling Hobbes that first, he got in trouble for not paying attention in class. He turned in his last-minute insect collection, for which he received a "D minus minus". Then, he got in trouble for getting Susie into trouble. Then, he got in trouble when he told Mom and then got in trouble again when she told Dad. He complains he's been in hot water since he got up. Hobbes tells Calvin that he bets all that makes him get his book report finished right on time. Calvin replies "My what".

The giraffe is uniquely suited to its environment. His tremendous height allows him to munch the succulent morsels most difficult to reach. Calvin is on stilts, walking over to the cookie jar on top the cabinet.

Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe in ethics anymore. As far as he's concerned, the end justifies the means. He goes on to say you should get while the getting's good, might makes right, and winners write the history books. He figures it's a dog-eat-dog world, so he'll do what he has to and let others argue whether it's "right" or not. Hobbes pushes Calvin into a mud puddle. Calvin asks why he did that. Hobbes tells him he was in his way, now he's not. The end justifies the means. Calvin tells him he didn't mean for everyone, just him.

Calvin is running through the house. Mom finally catches him and puts him to bed. He remembers something. Mom sees him playing with his toys downstairs. She asks what he thinks he's doing back down there. Calvin replies that Mom didn't read him his rights.

Calvin runs up to Dad, telling him aliens just landed in their back yard. Dad asks what they look like. Calvin tells him like baked potatoes with laser guns. Dad asks if they said what they wanted. Calvin replies they want ten dollars. Dad says he bets they do. Calvin offers that since Dad is so busy, he could give the money to Calvin and he'll take it over to them.

Calvin is walking along with a closed umbrella. It starts to sprinkle, and Calvin opens the umbrella. As it's pouring, he sets the umbrella down upside down so he makes a little pool. He happily sits in the pool.

Calvin asks Dad why he always reads his bedtime stories and not Mom. Dad tells him that's the Dad's job. From the other room, Mom yells that it appears to be the only Dad's job around here. Calvin asks Dad if he left the dishes for Mom, again. Dad yells back to the other room that tonight's story is called "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single".

Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He asks Hobbes to suppose Calvin grows up to become one of the world's greatest men of all time. Suppose his name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come. He asks what he history books will say, then answers that he spent much of his childhood unwillingly in the bathtub. Calvin complains that his being in the tub is an indignity. He asks if this situation is worthy of one of the greatest men of all time. Calvin laments his likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Hobbes asks if he'd rather they say his childhood was dirty and smelly.

Calvin plugs one nostril and snorts in. He opens his mouth to dredge up some saliva. PTOOEY! He spits it out. He proudly tells Hobbes that they sure go farther when you make them up right. Hobbes, making a face and holding his stomach, suggests they make up a new contest.

Calvin runs from the school bus. He approaches his door, but stops to think. He sneaks around the house and enters a window. He tiptoes over to the front door, where he starts to open it. He yells that he's home. Hobbes leaps by heading out the front door. Calvin closes and locks the door behind Hobbes, calling him a chump. There's a knock on the door. Calvin yells out that he's not opening the door, and that he can just stay out there all night. Mom is standing outside the house, at the door, with two grocery bags. Hobbes is sitting on the step. Mom says she can't wait to hear this one explained.

Calvin is hiccupping. He walks over to Hobbes to tell him. Each time he tries to say he has hiccups, he can't finish the sentence. Hobbes starts asking him what he has. He asks if Calvin has a dollar, a comic book, what? Calvin continues to try to tell Hobbes, but he keeps hiccupping. Hobbes, with an impish smile, says he loves doing this.

Calvin finally tells Hobbes he has the hiccups. Calvin tells Hobbes to scare him. Hobbes tells him the oceans are filled with garbage, there's a hole in the ozone that's frying the planet, and nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it. Calvin tells Hobbes that he means surprise him. Hobbes asks if that doesn't. He says "Boy, you're cynical".

Hobbes gives Calvin a cup of water. He says drinking from the far side of the glass is supposed to cure hiccups. Calvin tries to figure out how to do that. Hobbes says he has to bend his head way over. Calvin tries it, and water pours over him. He thanks Hobbes because he now has hiccups and water up his nose. Hobbes says he thinks most hiccup cures were invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

Calvin says the hiccups are killing him. Hobbes says eating a spoonful of sugar is supposed to help. Calvin tries it. Hobbes asks if he's cured. Calvin says no, he better eat some more. He digs the spoon back into the sugar.

Calvin stops. His hiccups went away by themselves. He's relieved. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces on Calvin. He asks Calvin if he scared him and cured his hiccups. Calvin hiccups several times.

Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to have a jelly donut. Calvin makes a face and says jelly donuts gross him out. They're like eating giant, squishy bugs. You bite into them and their purple guts spill out the other end. He walks off telling Mom she can eat them. Mom pushes the bag aside and says her friends ask her how she stays thin.

In bed, Calvin says at night the world seems big and scary. He wishes he could fall asleep. He looks over at Hobbes, who's sleeping. He notices that Hobbes looks funny when he sleeps. Hobbes closes his eyes so tight. He wonders what Hobbes is dreaming about. Calvin touches him and says he's a friend. Calvin lies back down and says things are never quite as scary when you have a best friend. He closes his eyes, and he falls asleep next to Hobbes.

Mom scoots Calvin along. She says they were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. Calvin asks where they're going. Mom tells him for the hundredth time they're going to a wedding. She tells him to get in the car, Dad's waiting. As Calvin climbs in, he asks what if he forgot something. Dad says they'll only be gone overnight. Hobbes' tail pokes out from the covers on Calvin's bed.

Calvin tells Dad to turn the car around. He forgot Hobbes. Dad says they can't turn around, they're late already. Dad tells him he could have been ready on time and had his things ready. He didn't, he put up a fuss, made them late, and he forgot his tiger. Dad tells Calvin it's his own fault. Calvin says Dad would turn around if they'd forgotten Mom. Dad tells him that's because she's the only person who knows where they're going.

Dad, Mom, and Calvin are sitting in the church at the wedding. Calvin is frowning, wondering when the wedding will be over. He doesn't even know these people. Calvin thinks it would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was there. Calvin wonders what Hobbes will eat. They didn't leave any food out. Calvin realizes they'll be gone almost two whole days, Hobbes will be starving. He thinks he'll let Dad go into the house first.

In the hotel room, Calvin asks Mom how to make a long-distance call. He wants to call Hobbes to make sure he's okay. Mom tells him Hobbes won't answer and not to be silly. She reminds him he'll see Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin says Hobbes is probably all lonely. Mom says she's sure Hobbes is having a good time. Calvin hopes Hobbes isn't renting some movie Calvin wanted to see.

Calvin tells Mom he can't sleep. Mom says he can if he lies quietly. Calvin says Hobbes isn't there. He says tigers are comforting. He always falls asleep when he listens to Hobbes breathing. Mom says Calvin can listen to Dad snoring. Calvin says he thought that noise was trucks downshifting on the highway.

The family arrives home, and Calvin runs into the house to see Hobbes. Mom says she didn't think they'd ever get home. She says the whole trip was one long compliant about leaving Hobbes at home. Dad says next time, they should bring the tiger and forget the kid. Dad notices it's drafty in the house. Calvin points out the smashed window. Mom is horrified that somebody broke in. Calvin runs off to find Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin wishes people were more like animals. He tells Hobbes animals don't try to change you, they just enjoy the pleasure of your company. He explains animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, comfort you when you're sad. All they ask in return is a little kindness. Hobbes sobs that it's all true and he blows his nose loudly. Hobbes tells Calvin that speaking of a little kindness, he'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that he happens to make one. Calvin says that of course, some animals get on your nerves once in a while.

Dad goes to call the police. Calvin runs for Hobbes. Mom can't believe it's happening. Calvin runs to Mom asking her to help him find Hobbes. Mom calms him down by saying Hobbes is around there somewhere. She doesn't think anyone would steal a stuffed tiger. Calvin sniffs that Hobbes is so trusting.

Calvin looks in the closet for Hobbes. As he races through the house, he's saying he told Mom and Dad they left Hobbes behind. He tried to get them to turn around to get him, and now Hobbes was alone when the house was broken into. Calvin looks under the sofa. He says Mom told him Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. He sits with tears falling down his face. He sniffs and says that he thinks Hobbes is valuable.

Calvin calls into the basement for Hobbes. Mom finds Hobbes in Calvin's bed. Calvin runs upstairs and asks if Hobbes is alright. He hugs Hobbes and says he's so glad to see him. Hobbes is safe and sound, and now Calvin is, too. Mom says that it looks like they're a whole family again.

Dad tells the police officer the TV was stolen. Calvin comes over and tells the officer he bets the burglars ran off when they saw there was a tiger in the house. Dad tells him he's busy, and not to bother them now. Calvin continues by saying no one sticks around when he sees a tiger. He says Hobbes has mandibles of death. Dad tries to push Calvin to Mom. Calvin keeps talking about Hobbes looking at mug shots and going to the station to look at suspects. The officer thinks that he sure meets the weirdos in this job.

Mom has swept up the glass from the window, Dad goes to get something to cover the hole. Mom asks if it's safe to stay there overnight. What if the burglars come back? Dad says the police said they'd drive by, and they can leave lots of lights on. Mom feels creepy knowing burglars were in the house. She doesn't feel safe. Dad says it must be really scary for a little kid like Calvin. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't wait to tell everyone at school that their house was robbed. Hobbes tells him to be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.

Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck doing homework on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching. He dashes into the closet. This is a job for Stupendous Man, defender of freedom, advocate of liberty! A crimson streak blasts through the atmosphere, then heads back toward earth. Stupendous Man strikes the earth at an acute angle, using stupendous force. The earth slowly stops rotating and begins turning in the other direction. Stupendous Man turns the planet all the way around backward. The sun sets in the east and comes up in the west. It's soon 10:00 AM the previous day. Mom asks what Calvin is doing outside. She asks if he finished his schoolwork. Calvin marches along in his Stupendous Man costume, saying it's Saturday. He doesn't need to do it until tomorrow, thanks to Stupendous Man.

At the dinner table, Calvin asks to be excused. Mom says he didn't finish his dinner. Calvin says he didn't like it very much, and there's a TV show he wants to watch. Mom reminds him the TV was stolen. Calvin is disappointed. He says he'll eat his asparagus, do his homework, then go straight to bed. Mom says they're proud of how he handles adversity.

Calvin shows Hobbes where their TV used to be. Calvin says they don't have a TV to watch, only a blank wall. He complains about not being entertained. Hobbes asks if it's a pointless existence. Calvin says that the wall is even plain old white.

Calvin wakes Mom up to give her a Mother's Day card he made. She sits up and reads it. It reads he could have bought a card with hearts of pink and red, but he thought he'd spend the money on him, instead. It's hard to buy things with such a small allowance, so she's lucky he got her anything at all. Happy Mother's Day, he's said it, now he's done. So how about getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for her son? Mom's deeply moved.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's going to start a new club, and he can be in it. Calvin explains they'll have secret names, secret codes and secret handshake. They'll have a secret clubhouse with a secret knock. Hobbes asks why all the secrecy? Calvin tells him people pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.

Calvin says the first thing they'll need is a name for their secret club. Hobbes suggests "The Hobbes Fan Club". Calvin is outraged. He says the name has to be mysterious. Something vaguely ominous and chilling. He suggests "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club". Hobbes likes his idea better.

Calvin decides the club name should be Get Rid Of Slimy girlS, or G.R.O.S.S. The first order of business is to elect officers. Hobbes wants to be president. Calvin says no, because the whole idea of the club was his. So he gets to be president. Hobbes says then he wants to be king and tyrant. Calvin changes his mind and says that's what he wants to be. Hobbes can be president.

Calvin and Hobbes are wearing paper hats. Susie Derkins comes along and asks if she can make one, too. Calvin tells her these are the official hats of the G.R.O.S.S. club. Susie asks about the "slimy girls" part. Calvin says he knows it's redundant, but otherwise it didn't spell anything. Susie yells that girls aren't slimy. Calvin tells her not to get gunk on him. He took a bath last Saturday, and he's all clean.

Susie can't believe he started a secret club to exclude girls. She tells Calvin he's the meanest, most rotten little kid she knows. She tells him to play with his stuffed tiger. She doesn't want to play with a stinker like him, anyway. Susie walks away. Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club.

Calvin and Hobbes finish their club's sign. Now they need to find a secret meeting place. Calvin wants to set up a card table in the garage. He says it would be perfect for drawing maps and stuff. The car is parked in the garage, which leaves little room. Calvin decides to push the car out of the garage. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't ask his Mom first. Calvin says she won't care if they push it out. Hobbes reminds him in the past, he's been a remarkably poor judge of what his Mom cares about.

Susie asks if she can play with Calvin. Calvin informs Susie that he and Hobbes aren't playing. They're doing important things and don't need her to mess them up. It doesn't look to Susie like they're doing anything important. Calvin tells her he's spent too much time talking with her and to go away. She says he's just playing in the mud. Calvin tells her that's what it looks like to ignorant girls like her. He tells her to get lost. Susie says she's got better things to do than sitting in the mud like a pig. Calvin gets angry! He says he'll show her as he grabs some mud. Susie taunts him by saying he shouldn't bend over, his curly pink tail shows. Calvin throws mud at Susie, but misses. She taunts him as she runs away. Calvin steams back to Hobbes. Hobbes calls spring that magical time of year when a young man's fancy turns to love. Calvin tells him to shut up.

Calvin asks Hobbes to help him push the car out of the garage. Hobbes still thinks Calvin should ask Mom. Calvin says she'd probably say no, then they wouldn't have the garage for their clubhouse. Hobbes replies if they don't ask her, they'll get in trouble. Calvin says they won't get in trouble. Hobbes says every time he says that, they do. Calvin figures Mom wouldn't care about these things if she didn't keep finding out about them.

Calvin tells Hobbes to quit being such a baby. They'll move the car ten feet. What could go wrong? Hobbes says every time he says that, his tail gets bushy. Calvin says Mom will be glad they did it themselves and didn't bother her. They start pushing the car, and it keeps rolling. Calvin says the car isn't stopping. He chases after it. Hobbes says he thinks Mom is going to be bothered.

Calvin and Hobbes are running after the car. Hobbes says the driveway must be slanted downhill. The car is going faster. Hobbes tells Calvin to jump in and pull the emergency brake. Calvin can't catch the door. Hobbes grabs Calvin as the car goes into the road. Calvin yells for people to watch out for the wild car.

Mom is sitting reading the paper. She says she hasn't seen Calvin for 15 minutes. She's sitting with her back to the window. The car rolls past the window. Then, Calvin and Hobbes run past the window. Mom says that probably means he's getting into trouble.

Calvin and Hobbes stand shocked. The car rolls out into the road. They cover their eyes and can't watch. GRUNTCH! Hobbes says nobody hit it. It went into the ravine across the street. Calvin says "Hooray, we're dead".

Calvin and Hobbes run across the street to see the car. It's sitting nose up in a ditch with half the car poking up. Hobbes asks what Calvin thinks a car like that costs. He bets at least $75. Calvin can only say "Oh man".

Calvin and Hobbes are racing down the hill in their wagon. Calvin thinks life should be more like TV. All of like's problems should be resolved in 30 minutes with simple homilies. Weight and oral hygiene should be their biggest concerns. We should all have high-paying jobs and drive fancy sports cars. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should always carry handguns. Life should be more glamorous and thrill-packed. He says this as they fly out of the wagon, which has gone off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says his life is too featherbrained already. Calvin wonders what they would watch on TV if like really was like that.

Calvin and Hobbes are standing by the car, which is sticking up from the shallow ravine. Calvin says his life is flashing before his eyes. Hobbes doubts Calvin's parents figured he'd wreck their car before he was 16.

Calvin wonders what they'll do. They can't get the car out of the ravine. Calvin wonders if they should act like the car rolled by itself. He thinks Mom and Dad might fall for that. Calvin thinks they may not notice, if they don't say anything. Hobbes says he can be packed in five minutes. Calvin says he'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.

Calvin opens the door, says he and Hobbes are home, and asks if he's got any clean clothes. He's just asking. He goes into the kitchen. He says he's going to make a few dozen sandwiches, because he's really hungry. He yells that there's no need for Mom to get up or look out the window. Mom comes in and asks what's wrong with him. He's startled, laughs, and asks why she is asking.

Calvin has a couple sandwiches that he's made, but he thinks Mom got suspicious. He tells Hobbes they'd better go. Hobbes is trying to decide whether to bring a yo-yo or bubbles. Calvin hurries him up saying they'll be lucky to get out of there with their lives. Calvin says Mom is bound to look out the window any minute and see the car. As they dash out the back door, Calvin asks where's a freight train when you really need one.

Calvin and Hobbes run through the field. They're puffing. They stop to rest. Calvin thinks they have enough of a head start and can rest a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks Mom has seen the car yet. Calvin thinks she's probably called Dad at work, and he'll be on his way home. They start running again.

Calvin stops, as he figures he must be in another state by now. It had never occurred to him he'd be spending the rest of his life on the lam. Hobbes asks what kind of sandwiches Calvin brought. Calvin wonders how Hobbes could be thinking of eating. Calvin is so worried, he feels sick. Hobbes asks if he can have Calvin's sandwich, too. Calvin lies back on the grass and says he's six years old and a fugitive from justice.

The laws of perspective have been repealed. Objects no longer diminish in size with distance. Lines do not converge toward any point on the horizon. It's impossible to judge where anything is. Calvin trips over the end table and knocks it and the lamp to the floor. Mom yells that he should quit running around crashing into things. If he doesn't, Mom will sell him to the monkey house. Calvin gets up rubbing his head, saying now she's lost perspective.

Calvin says Mom's sure to have found the car and guessed what they did by now. As Calvin and Hobbes walk across a downed tree, Calvin says now he knows what they mean when they say you can't go home again.

Hobbes hears something crashing through the brush. Calvin thinks it's a bear. They run to a tree and climb up. Hobbes thinks tigers are the only ferocious animals the world needs. Calvin imagines the headlines "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble".

Calvin asks if they should climb higher in the tree. Calvin spots the bear coming out of the brush. He says it's on its hind legs, and they only do that when they're mad. Hobbes says that's not a bear, it's Mom. Calvin panics and says that's worse. He tells Hobbes to climb higher.

Mom sees Calvin in the tree and tells him to come down. Calvin doesn't want to because he thinks she'll kill him. Mom says she won't, but wants to know what happened. She asks if anyone was hurt. Calvin says no one was hurt. He says they pushed the car into the drive and it kept rolling. Mom asks if the car hit anything. Calvin says it just went into the ditch. That's when they took off. Mom says the tow truck pulled the car out, and there was no damage. He can come home now. Calvin wants to hear her say she loves him first.

Lying in bed at night, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad saw what happened was an accident. Since they were relieved no one was hurt, all he got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. Calvin says parents are inscrutable. You send their car over a ditch, and you don't even get yelled at. Hobbes says "but try keeping live worms in your Dad's...". Calvin stops him and says not to talk about that.

Hobbes hears something. He springs off, running fast. Calvin is walking along, unsuspectingly. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says you can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger. Calvin, lying under Hobbes' feet, says the question is how you get the tiger back into the jungle.

Calvin has the latest poll results. An overwhelming majority are amazed at how little he's accomplished. The impression is that he's avoiding all the hard decisions that need to be made. No one polled could name a single instance of paternal leadership. Dad asks if he can lead Calvin to bed. Calvin replies he has some innovative ideas for his allowance.

Calvin is looking at ants on the sidewalk. He tells Hobbes the ants run like mad, work all day, never stopping or resting. All that to make a hill of sand that could blow away at any time. All their work would be for nothing, yet they keep building. They never give up. Hobbes suggests there's a lesson in that. Calvin agrees. He thinks the ants are morons. He heads into the house to see what's on TV.

Mom gets dressed, puts on earrings, applies her lipstick, and heads out the door. Calvin sprays her with a water hose. Calvin is walking away, rubbing his rear end. He says Mom is a grouch.

Hobbes is lying against a tree. Calvin asks what he's doing. Hobbes replies "nothing". Calvin asks if he's doing nothing at all. Hobbes says no. Calvin says he'll help and lies down next to Hobbes.

Calvin has dug a message into his yard. It asks aliens to come as they are. They're welcome. Hobbes asks what Calvin will do when his parents see this. Calvin hopes to be halfway to the next galaxy by then.

Calvin has turned into one of his childhood drawings. His anatomical references being obscure, Calvin finds it hard to move. Are these lower appendages feet or wheels? His Mom thinks he's some kind of helicopter. If only he'd learned to draw better. Calvin holds up a picture he drew and says no one understands his work. Mom says that's what all artists say.

A sparrow lands on the tree branch. This is a song sparrow. He prepares to burst forth in rapturous melody. On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese... Calvin gets tossed out the door of the house.

Mom asks where Calvin is going. He says "out". Mom asks if he picked up his room like she asked him to. He says "no". Mom asks for clarification. She says so when Calvin says "out", he really means he's going back upstairs to clean his room. Calvin stands in his messy room and complains that English must not be her first language.

Mom asks Calvin why he's back downstairs. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies "Twisted fiend! No four walls can hold Stupendous Man! You've been foiled again, evil Mom-lady". Mom bends down and gives Calvin a nasty look. She says "Oh, yeah". Calvin stumbles up the stairs with eyes spinning. He says her mind-scrambling eyeball ray has him going back upstairs to do her nefarious bidding.

Calvin is complaining to Hobbes about being told to clean up his room. He says it's his room. If he doesn't care, why should anyone else. He calls it tyranny. He says it will take all day to clean it. A whole day wasted, shot, down the drain. Hobbes asks how this could possibly take all day. Calvin says it will be another hour before he's through griping.

Calvin thinks the room cleaning will go faster if both he and Hobbes work. Calvin offers to sit and do all the tedious, agonizing planning and organizing. He'll make all the hard decisions, and Hobbes won't have to. All Hobbes has to do is pick up what Calvin tells him to. Hobbes picks up Calvin. Calvin tells him he didn't say to pick him. He tells Hobbes to get away from that trash can.

Calvin yells that he cleaned his room. He wants to go outside. Mom says it didn't take very long. She wants a look to see what kind of job he did. Calvin says he did a great job. Mom says the room looks clean. She then asks if he straightened up the closet like she asked. Calvin yells for her not to open the door. Too late. Mom is buried by all the stuff Calvin threw in there. Mom tells him to go back to work. Calvin complains that she made this mess, so she should clean it up.

Hobbes rolls a croquet ball, Calvin hits it with the mallet. Calvin runs around the wickets. Calvin says best games are the ones they don't understand. Hobbes chases him with the ball in his hand, saying Calvin missed a wicket so he doesn't get a goal.

Calvin runs around the house, slides down the ditch, runs over the stream, climbs through the fence, runs around the trees, and dives toward a rock. Hobbes tags him out. Calvin complains the bases are too far apart. Hobbes calls him a big sissy.

Calvin runs up to Hobbes saying there was a bee. It was the size of a Kaiser roll and must have weighed 70 pounds. He says it sounded like a helicopter, and it's stinger was like a harpoon. He says it must have been a killer death bee. Hobbes offers that life in the great suburban outback is certainly fraught with peril. Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'd seen it, he would be scared, too.

Calvin has a yo-yo. It goes down, and it stops. He shakes it, trying to get it to move. It doesn't. Calvin says he can't imaging mastering the skills involved without a clearer understanding of who will be impressed.

Calvin looks at the moon, which is sticking its tongue out at him. Then the moon makes a funny face at him. Calvin tells Dad he saw the man in the moon tonight. Calvin says he didn't know the moon made faces. Dad says that's "phases".

The giant pteradon hops to the edge of the cliff. He spreads his bat-like wings and takes to the air. Soaring high, the pteradon is a majestic sight. Hobbes yells to "think majestic". Calvin, holding onto a collapsing umbrella over the cliff, yells back that they should have picked a smaller cliff.

Calvin complains that it's too hot. Hobbes says he could go wading in the creek. Calvin tries that and says the water is too cold. Hobbes says he could go sit in the shade. Calvin tries that and complains that the shade is too dark. Hobbes, frustrated, tells him he could go sit in his room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. Calvin grumbles that's what he was doing when Mom threw him outside.

Mom is reading on the sofa. Calvin comes in and tells her to give him some cookies or he'll soak her with a water balloon. Mom calls him a little thug and warns him not to threaten his mother. She tells him not to even think about throwing that in the house. She tosses him outside. Dejectedly, Calvin says to Hobbes that he bets he would have gotten some cookies if he had filled the balloon with paint.

The sky is orange, Calvin's skin is green. Yellow flowers are now blue. Every color is the opposite of what it should be. Calvin has been turned into a color film negative. His only hope is to be processed by a 1-hour photo finisher. He grabs his throat and acts like he's choking. Dad is trying to get a picture of him. Dad complains that Calvin just ruined another photo. He asks if Calvin can't look pleasant for 1/500th of a second.

Calvin runs along yelling it's July already. He wonders what happened to June. Summer vacation is slipping through his fingers like grains of sand. He wants to hoard his freedom. Calvin's eyes bulge with worry that time rushes on. Hobbes says he doesn't want to be there at the end of August. Calvin keeps running around yelling it's a half-hour later than it was a half hour ago. Run!

At the dinner table, Calvin tells Dad that Mom took him to the library. He didn't know it was such fun. Dad tells him that he'll learn things, too. Calvin explains that he learned one type wasp lays its egg in a spider so that when the egg hatches, the larva eats the spider, saving the vital organs for last, so the spider stays alive while its being devoured. Mom and Dad get odd look on their faces. Dad wonders if there isn't a street corner he could hang out on instead.

Calvin tells Hobbes he knows he's destined for greatness. Calvin the Great, they'll call him. He tells Hobbes that he'll get to tell everyone he knew Calvin as a kid. He figures all the papers will want to interview Hobbes to find out what Calvin is really like. Hobbes says Calvin will really have to cough up to keep him quiet. Calvin asks what that's supposed to mean.

Calvin asks Dad how a light bulb works. Dad says magic. Calvin reminds Dad that's how he told Calvin a vacuum cleaner works. Dad says both are magic. Calvin is skeptical. He says he thinks Dad just doesn't know how they work. Dad tells him not to believe him, who's been around a lot longer than Calvin. Calvin turns on the light for Mom and tells her it's magic. She tells Calvin that's not magic.

Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night. There is a star in the sky. Calvin tells Hobbes that when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. Calvin says he wishes he had a cool million dollars right now. Calvin looks around. Unhappily, he walks off saying that if Jiminy Cricket was there, he'd skoosh him.

Calvin tosses a ball into the air. He hits it, drops the bat, picks up a glove, and races to catch the ball. He does. Calvin realizes that means he's out.

A woman comes home and tells her husband that she stopped at the hospital on the way home. She brought home their new baby. The husband doesn't want a baby. The woman cuddles the baby, which is actually a rabbit. The husband wonders why their baby is a rabbit. The woman says it's not a rabbit, it's a baby boy. The husband says it looks like a rabbit to him. The woman wants to pretend it's a baby. The husband says he won't. Calvin walks away, saying playing "house" makes him sick. Susie doesn't understand why he'll pretend with his tiger, but not with Mr. Bun.

Calvin is sitting on the washing machine. He opens the lid and asks Hobbes how it's going. Hobbes tells him it's fine. He tells him to close the lid, since everything stops when you lift it. Calvin laments that his bathtub doesn't have an agitator.

Mom asks Calvin to gather the trash. Calvin asks if he's her personal slave. He asks why she can't do it. Mom replies that he can start washing his own clothes, fix his own meals, pick up his own toys, make his own bed, and clean his own messes, day after day after day. Carrying the laundry basket, Calvin says some women just weren't meant to be mothers.

Calvin tells Hobbes that when he cooks eggs, he likes to see how high he can crack it above the skillet. He aims with one eye, so he has no depth perception. That makes it harder. Calvin says the secret to having fun in life is making little challenges for yourself. Hobbes wonders if he means the challenge of explaining the stove and floor to Mom. Calvin asks Hobbes to see if there's another carton in the fridge.

Hobbes asks Calvin what he's writing. He's writing to companies warning them he'll boycott their products if they don't pull their ads from a TV show he finds offensive. He says if these companies are going to support objectionable TV shows, he'll take his business elsewhere. He tells Hobbes maybe he can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just not watch the show. Calvin says this clean, wholesome television makes him sick.

Calvin tells Hobbes he never liked ice cream cones very much until he discovered a new way to eat them. He bites off the bottom and sucks out the ice cream as it melts. He says you wouldn't believe the awful noises you can make, and it gets sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In Calvin's book, food should be nutrition and entertainment. Hobbes says that's why tigers like their food surprised and running.

Calvin says he's so smart, it's scary. He says he is a child progeny. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says most children are. Calvin wonders what he means, Hobbes says nothing. Calvin says people think it's fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes asks if Calvin's pants zipper shouldn't be in front.

Calvin is carrying three water balloons, Hobbes has one. Calvin says he's a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry. Calvin says he sees the fear in Hobbes' eyes. Calvin brags that he can make Hobbes three times wetter than Hobbes can make him. He chides Hobbes to throw his balloon, and his utter sogginess is assured. Calvin can act with impunity, he fears nothing. Hobbes flips his water balloon up into the air and tells Calvin to catch. Calvin tries juggling his balloons and Hobbes'. SPLASH! SPLOOSH! GISSHH! FWOOSH! Calvin, soaking wet, says superpowers have it tough. Hobbes suggests Calvin try stocking up on brains instead.

In his bedroom, Calvin tells Hobbes there's no delaying the inevitable. He tells him to get in the car. Hobbes asks where they're going. Calvin tells him the same place they go every summer, camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. Calvin says that's how Dad likes to unwind. Hobbes asks "With everyone complaining". Calvin says Dad likes to watch them all suffer.

Driving along the road, Calvin tells Dad there is a town coming up. He suggests they just pull off, find a nice motel, and stay there for their vacation. They could swim in the pool, have air conditioning, cable TV, and room service. No one would have to know they didn't camp. Calvin won't tell. He suggests they can go to the store, buy a big fish, take his picture with it, and say they caught it. He asks Dad if they can. Mom thinks that's a good idea. Dad looks at her and tells her not to start.

Dad pulls up the canoe and says they're here. Calvin says it's good ol' "Itchy Island", home of the nuclear mosquitos. Dad says bug bites build character. Calvin reminds him that last year Dad said diarrhea builds character. Dad wants Calvin to think of what a fine young man he's growing up to be. Calvin agrees, if building all this character doesn't kill him first. Dad asks Calvin to open the duffel bag and get out the Spam. Calvin tells him that if the canoe is gone in the morning, it means Hobbes and he struck out for home.

Dad says it's great to be there. He thinks he'll jump in for a swim. He asks Mom to join him. Mom thinks the lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Dad asks Calvin to join him. Calvin doesn't want to start the week with a little hypothermia. Dad goes in alone. Swimming on the lake, he comments on the best thing about vacations being the family togetherness.

Dad is outside Calvin's tent telling him to wake up and watch the fish jumping. He says it's a beautiful morning. The sun is barely up, and there is a mist on the water. There isn't a soul anywhere. He tells Calvin he thought Calvin wanted to go fishing. He tells him he has to get up early if he wants to catch anything. The canoe's ready, and the fishing pole is loaded. Calvin yells for Mom to make Dad go away. Fishing alone on the lake, Dad comments that another thing he likes about vacations is the sharing of special moments.

Dad decides that's enough fishing for now. He paddles back to camp. He can't wait for breakfast. He can almost smell the coffee from the canoe. He pulls the canoe up and wonders where everyone is. He yells that there will be some smallmouth bass flopping around in some sleeping bags in a minute or two. Mom looks out her tent and says she likes it when Dad goes off to work in the mornings. Dad says it's 6:30 already. He asks if they're going to waste the whole day.

Calvin plays on the beach. He complains that he's getting sand in his suit, and he doesn't want to sit on the beach. In the water, he complains the water is too cold. On the beach again, he complains that there's too much sun, and he'll get sunburned. Dad tries to put tanning lotion on Calvin, but he complains the lotion makes him greasy and the shirt makes him too hot. Under the umbrella, he complains it's boring in the shade. Walking along the beach with Dad, he complains that he hates walking. His legs are tired, the sand is hot, the water's cold, there's no shade, and he still has sand in his suit. Mom and Dad pick up the beach towels and umbrella. Calvin asks if they're going already.

Calvin is sitting on a rock with Hobbes looking at the sun set. There are birds flying, a few clouds in the sky, rock outcroppings and woods all around. Calvin says he bets he's missing some great TV shows.

Calvin asks Dad if he's painting a picture. Dad says yes. Calvin looks at the picture, then looks at the scene Dad is painting. Calvin says Dad is giving his harmonica playing skills a real run for the money.

Late at night, Hobbes sniffs the air in his and Calvin's tent. He's asleep. Calvin tells him he's dreaming and to wake up. Hobbes licks his lips and says some fresh fish would hit the spot. He says there's a nice big one. Calvin is frightened! He holds the flashlight at Mom's tent while she tells him she doesn't care what his clothes smell like. She's not washing anything now.

Calvin is scratching. He says the bugs are awful. Hobbes tells him not to scratch, or he'll make the bites worse. Calvin asks Hobbes what he's supposed to do. The itching is driving him crazy. Hobbes tells him to think of something else. Calvin asks what. Hobbes suggests something like stepping out of all that poison ivy. Calvin yells that he hates this place.

Dad tries to take a picture of Mom and Calvin eating. Mom says no, because she hasn't washed her hair for three days, and she's covered with bug bites. Dad asks if she doesn't want something to remember the trip by. Calvin doesn't want to remember it. He says he's been trying to forget it ever since they got there. He asks when they're leaving this dump. Dad walks away saying the next time he sees one of those smarmy Kodak commercials, he's going to put an ax through the TV.

As they're packing up to leave, Dad comments on how quickly the vacation went. He thinks after being out there, it will be a shock to go back to civilization. Calvin walks by with his sleeping bag and says he can't wait to get into the car, and crank up the A/C and some tunes. He tells Dad to shake a leg. Dad suggests that some day he'll get his DNA tested to see if Calvin really is his kid.

Sitting on the step of their home, Calvin asks Dad where the sun goes when it sets. Dad says Flagstaff, Arizona. He says that's why the rocks there are so red. Calvin asks if the sun doesn't crush the state when it lands. Dad says no. He holds a quarter in front of the sun and tells Calvin the sun is about the same size. Calvin mentions he thought the sun was really big. Dad tells him he can't believe everything he reads. Calvin asks how the sun can rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night. Dad says it's time for Calvin to go to bed. As Mom tucks Calvin in, he tells her that he hopes someday to be as smart as Dad. Mom asks what Dad told him now.

Dad's going off to work. Calvin says it's a nice day to sit under a tree and read a good book. Calvin says it's too bad that's a luxury at Dad's age. He says maybe Dad can do it when he's 65. Calvin is sure Dad will be there before he knows it. He wishes Dad a good day at work. Calvin walks up to Mom and tells her Dad sure is surly in the mornings.

Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't remember much before he was three years old. He says half his life is a blank. He must have been brainwashed. He wonders what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant. What did he know that someone wanted him to forget? He says he's mysterious. Hobbes says he seems to recall Calvin spent most of the time burping up.

Calvin tells Mom there is a big horsefly on her head. He tells her not to move. He runs off, goes upstairs, and returns with his plastic dart pistol. He asks if the fly is still there.

Calvin and Hobbes are in their tree fort. Calvin says they're bloodthirsty pirates. Calvin calls avast, ye scurvy dogs. He tells Hobbes to hoist the Jolly Roger and ready the plank. Hobbes hands Calvin a small knit sock. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes tells him "our booty" and starts laughing.

Calvin asks Mom if she knew gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface. He explains that heavy matter, like planets sink into the surface, and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is deflected by gravity. Then he adds that he dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when his roller skates slipped. As Mom mops up the mess, she wonders how kids can know so much, yet be so dumb.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin thinks the world should have been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There would just be fewer people and animals to begin with. Calvin adds the world could have used a more even distribution of resources. Hobbes wonders why no one consulted Calvin.

Hobbes pitches the baseball to Calvin. It sails over his head, but Hobbes calls him out. Calvin protests. They get in each other's face and kick dirt on each other. They fight until they're exhausted. Calvin decides to try something else. He gets a step ladder, stands on it with his bat, and gets ready for the pitch.

Calvin tells Dad he performed a scientific experiment today. He wanted to see if it's true that north is up and south is down, like what maps show. Dad asks what he found out. Calvin tells him not much. Dad's compass didn't survive the trip south from the top of the tree. Calvin walks away telling Dad to let him know when he's replaced it. His junior scientist book told him not to be discouraged by temporary setbacks.

Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad being boring might be phony. He thinks that after Dad puts them to bed, he puts on a costume and fights crime. Maybe this "Dad" stuff is a secret identity. Calvin wonders if the mayor calls Dad on a secret phone and that Dad's a superhero. Hobbes says if that's true, Dad should drive a cooler car. Calvin agrees, since their car doesn't even have a cassette deck.

The family drives up to the Natural History Museum. Calvin sees the stegosaurus in front. Calvin can't wait to see the dinosaurs and rushes from the car. Mom says it's been a while since they were at the museum. Dad mentions that was at the museum's request. That reminds Mom, who tells Calvin not to bite anyone this time. Calvin is already roaring like a dinosaur.

Mom asks Calvin what kind of dinosaur they're in front of. Calvin tells her it's a stegosaurus. Mom says it looks ferocious, but Calvin tells her it was a plant eater. He tells her the tail spikes were for self-defense. Mom then asks if tyrannosaurs fought them. Calvin tells her of course not. Tyrannosaurs came millions of years later. Calvin walks to the building telling her not to embarrass him when they go inside. Dad wonders why they're going in if he knows everything already.

Calvin shows Hobbes a saber-toothed tiger. Calvin makes fun of it by saying anyone needing a can of juice opened would just put him over it and hit his head. Calvin continues by saying they probably died out because they couldn't understand each other. He makes a face and shows his teeth. Hobbes grabs Calvin by the shirt and frowns at him. Calvin quickly points out that all in all, they were the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution.

Calvin points out the museum gift shop to Mom. He wants to buy something, a poster, a book, t-shirts, models. Mom says she doesn't think he needs any more dinosaur stuff. Calvin says it's all educational. Doesn't she want him to learn? Calvin, walks with his dinosaur hat, poster, and book. Hobbes says she sure fell for that one. Calvin wonders if he can get any Batman junk that way.

Hobbes stretches, yawns, arches his back, scratches his ear, curls around, and plops on the floor. He falls asleep. Calvin, reading a book on the sofa near Hobbes starts yawning and says he shouldn't have watched.

Hobbes comes over to join Calvin in the kiddie pool. Calvin tells him there isn't enough room. He tells Hobbes if he wants to cool off, he'll have to jump in the sprinkler. Hobbes marches off and says he'll do that. Calvin watches him. Calvin darts out of the pool, running toward Hobbes. He yells that he didn't mean for Hobbes to have fun.

Calvin and Hobbes are soundly sleeping. Suddenly, there is a big CRACK! Light fills the room. Then there is a big BOOM! Calvin and Hobbes fly up into the air. They get under the bed. Calvin asks if it's a thunderstorm or a space alien ray gun invasion. Hobbes doesn't care and just wants to know when it's over.

Calvin is digging a hole. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin tells him the dirt is pretty hard. Hobbes thinks he's made a good start. Calvin says he's been digging all morning. It's going to take forever. Hobbes suggests Calvin will have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Calvin agrees, saying you'd be killed diving off the high dive into that pool. He laments the fact saying Mom would have been surprised to have an Olympic pool where her garden used to be. Hobbes tells him that maybe she'll be surprised anyway.

Calvin tells Hobbes about "Calvin's Curative Elixir". He figures he'll charge people a buck a glass and get rich. Hobbes tells him it's just dirty water from the drainage ditch. There are leaves in it. Calvin thinks they'll say "Fortified with Chlorophyll". Hobbes tells him no one will pay to drink that water. Anyone can see it's filthy. He calls it sludge. Calvin says maybe he's right. Calvin sits at a stand with the dirty water in a pitcher on the stand. The sign on the stand reads "Pitcher of Plague. Calvin's Debilitating Drink! $1.00 not to have any".

Calvin has decided not to go to school in the fall. He figures he doesn't need an education or learn to develop skills. He says it's too much trouble. Hobbes asks how he'll make it in the world without knowledge or skills. Calvin replies that he'll go on talk shows and hype himself.

Mom is on her knees, newspaper on the floor, getting ready to paint the wall. She complains that there are times she hates owning a house because of the maintenance. Painting walls, fixing roofs, spraying trees, it seems like the place is falling apart. She sees Calvin drilling holes in the other wall, and she gives chase. She adds that what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed.

The allosaurus stalks his prey. A herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence. The allosaurus lunges at a straggler. The brontosaurus rises to its full height. What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size? Calvin jumps on Dad's back and yells that he's hungry. Dad is standing at the grill. He says he's cooking the hamburgers and tells Calvin to get off him.

Calvin the hummingbird, zips by with a whir. Though small, he puts out tremendous energy. Concentrated sugar water fuels his incredible metabolism. He drinks half his weight each day. Calvin says "Preferably loaded with caffeine" as he gets a soda from the refrigerator.

Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, who stops him. Calvin asks if the book was a best-seller, if the author won a Pulitzer, and if the New York Times liked it. Calvin wants stories that come highly recommended. He asks if there are laudatory comments on the book's dust jacket. Dad starts again. "Once upon a time, there was a noisy kid who started going to bed without a story". Calvin asks if that book has been made into a movie and whether they could be watching it on video.

Calvin is practicing his sneers. He shows Hobbes and tells him there's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. He asks Hobbes how he looks. Hobbes replies awful. Calvin thanks him and hopes, with the sneer, to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. Hobbes thinks that will give him a head start on being a teenager. Calvin thinks it's like getting seven extra years.

Calvin hits the ball and leisurely walks the bases. He walks with his hands in his pocket and strolls along. He's on home plate before Hobbes can tag him. He tells Hobbes he's too late. He's gotten another home run. Hobbes, panting, says he's going to quit if they don't stop using a tennis ball.

Calvin is walking along under a tree. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces from the tree onto Calvin. They fight. Hobbes pins him down and tells him he should be more alert. He tells Calvin he wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. Calvin replies that's why he lives here and calls Hobbes a dolt.

Mom sees Calvin hiding behind a bush and asks what he's doing. He tells her to go away. He's going to throw some crab apples at Susie. Mom tells him no and makes him get rid of the crab apples. She says crab apples are hard and could hurt someone. Susie walks by and sees Calvin behind a bush and asks what he's doing. Calvin tells her to go away. He's going to throw a squishy old tomato at Mom.

Hobbes hides behind a tree and hits Calvin in the head with a water balloon. Calvin threatens to get even, while Hobbes tells Calvin he's all wet. Calvin grabs the hose and runs after Hobbes to give him a soaking. Calvin catches Hobbes filling another water balloon. He tells Hobbes he's too late and hopes Hobbes is thirsty. Calvin squeezes the handle, but nothing happens. He asks why it won't squirt. Hobbes tells him he had to take the other end of the hose off the faucet so he could fill his balloon. He pulls his arm back, and Calvin knows what's coming. Lying soaked on the ground, Calvin says he's kind of looking forward to school next week.

Calvin tells Hobbes Mom asked him to make his bed. Calvin asks Hobbes to help him. Calvin tells him to get some pencils while he gets paper. Hobbes thought they were going to make his bed. Calvin doesn't want to do all that work. They're going to invent a robot to make the bed for them. Hobbes wonders if that won't be more work than making the bed. Calvin replies it's only work if somebody makes you do it.

Hobbes wonders how they'll invent a robot if they don't know anything about machines. Calvin says it's easy. There are four simple machines to alter force: the lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and the internal combustion engine. He tells Hobbes he's an expert. Hobbes asks where they should start. Calvin says by asking Mom for a research grant.

Calvin asks Mom if he can look at her wallet. She asks if he cleaned his room. Calvin says he's inventing a robot to make the bed, but he needs a grant. He asks for $50. As Calvin enters the bedroom, Hobbes asks if she gave him the money. Calvin says that when they're the cover story for Popular Mechanics, he'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.

Calvin decides the first thing the robot needs is a head. Hobbes suggests a coffee can. Calvin says the head has to be big enough for a tape recorder. He's made recordings for the robot's voice. Calvin says that in addition to communicating, they can program the robot to have the proper personality. Hobbes wonders what he means. Calvin says robots should be respectful. He turns on the tape recorder which says "How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master".

Calvin tells Dad he's inventing a robot and asks if Dad can get him a patent. Calvin shows their robot. It's Tinkertoys with a coffee can head. He says he's been working on it all afternoon. He says it's not perfected yet. Dad asks what it does. Calvin admits they haven't figured out a way to make it do what he wants. Dad says not to be discouraged. He and Mom got the same results after working on Calvin for six years.

Calvin suggests to Hobbes they give up. They can't figure out how to make a robot. Mom comes over and tells Calvin it's past bedtime. He has to leave his toys for tomorrow. Going up the stairs, Calvin laments they spent all day on it. He thought their robot would save him from making the bed. As they walk into the bedroom, Hobbes tells Calvin that in a way, it did. The bed is still unmade from the morning.

Spaceman Spiff is going down over planet Gork. The planet is inhabited. Spiff's stabilizers refuse to respond. Our hero's going to crash. This spells disaster! Calvin is startled by the teacher calling his name. He spells disaster. The teacher congratulates him for paying attention. Once again, Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day. The teacher tells him he can sit down. He's standing on his chair, fists clenched together.

Hobbes says Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Hobbes says he's never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Calvin asks how long they've been waiting for the bus. Hobbes tells him about two and a half hours. Calvin thinks Mom put him outside early on purpose.

Susie asks Calvin if he's excited about going to school. Susie shows the new notebooks and school supplies she has. Calvin rants that they won't make him learn a foreign language. He says if English is good enough for him, it's good enough for the rest of the world. Calvin folds his arms across his chest and says everyone should speak English or just shut up. Susie suggests he check the chemical content of his breakfast cereal. Calvin says they can make him go through grade eight, then he's outta here.

Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin will lead the class in the Pledge of Allegiance. Calvin asks what the Supreme Court decided about that. He asks if it's a prayer. He asks if she has to read him his rights. He complains that he's only there because his parents make him go. He doesn't want to be a test case. He says he doesn't even know what court district he's in. The principal opens the door for Calvin, who can't believe it's not even 8:15 yet.

Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by scum beings. Spiff's only chance is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft. Miss Wormwood is standing next to Calvin, who's clapping the erasers together into a billowing cloud. The principal opens the door for Calvin, who can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet.

Calvin gets off the school bus saying "What a day". As he opens the door, Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that things are so darn quiet when he's not around. Calvin cocks his fist and says there's going to be some ruckus now.

Calvin wakes up excited. It's Saturday! He and Hobbes run for the stairs. No homework, no school. Just cartoons and fun all day long. They bump down the stairs saying to turn on the TV, get out the cereal. Mom asks Dad why he's getting up since it's barely light out. Dad, putting on his pants, says he's going to the office to get some sleep.

Hobbes is running with the football. Calvin tries to make the tackle. Calvin doesn't slow Hobbes down. Calvin gets run over and holds Hobbes' tail. Finally, Calvin falls off. Calvin waves Hobbes away. They are playing chess, and Calvin says he's decided to be an intellectual.

Moe wants the truck Calvin is playing with. Calvin tells Moe he can't just take something because he's bigger than others. Moe cocks his fist and tells Calvin he's not taking it. He says Calvin is going to give it to him. They'll both be much happier that way. After Moe leaves, Calvin says "How touching".

Calvin goes back to get his toy truck. He tells Moe it's not his. Moe says that it is because Calvin gave it to him. Calvin replies that he didn't have much of a choice. It was either give up the truck or get punched. He explains he only gave it to Moe because Moe is bigger and meaner than he. Moe says "So". Calvin declares that the forensic marvel has reduced his logic to shambles. Moe cocks his fist and wonders if Calvin is changing his mind about getting punched.

Calvin complains that Moe won't return his truck. He wonders if he should steal it back, since stealing is wrong. If he doesn't steal it back, Moe will keep it and that's not fair, either. Calvin wonders what you're supposed to do if two wrongs don't make a right. Do you let the biggest guy make his own rules all the time? Calvin sits down and says that sounds reasonable.

Calvin decides to steal his truck back. He sneaks up to the swings and plans to run up, grab the truck, and take off. He awaits his chance. He thinks his playground should have one of those automatic insurance machines like they have in airports.

Moe has his back turned. Calvin is ready to make his move. Calvin says by the time Moe realizes the truck is gone, Calvin will be a mile away. He says nothing can go wrong. He says there's no reason to hesitate. He'll sure be glad to have his truck back. He'll just do it and be done. It's easy. He still stands there. He says obviously, his body doesn't believe a word his brain is saying.

Calvin wonders who he's kidding. He'll never get away with stealing his truck back. He says Moe is an ugly galoot the size of a Buick. Since he can't fight Moe, he thinks he could talk to him. Maybe Moe would see his side if he reasoned with him. Maybe Moe will realize stealing hurts people, and he'll return the truck willingly. Calvin says maybe if he's really lucky, he won't have to go through life with the nickname "omelet face".

Calvin starts to eat his dinner. He holds the food in his mouth. He takes a drink. His cheeks puff out. His eyes get wide. He looks back and forth. He ducks under the table. He looks relieved, and his mouth is empty. Mom tells Dad she wants him to look at that discolored spot on the rug. She says it seems to be getting bigger all the time. Calvin asks if he can leave the table right now.

Calvin walks up to Moe and demands his truck back. Calvin says it's his favorite truck, and Moe had no right to take it. Calvin tells him to give it back now. Moe offers to fight Calvin for it. Calvin bets his autopsy reveals that his mouth is too big.

Calvin won't fight Moe. He tells Moe that if he won't give the truck back, he can have it. He tells Moe he'll have to live with himself. Calvin can't make him do what's right. Calvin sits on the swing. Another kid comes up behind Calvin and tells him that if he's not going to swing, get off and let someone else on.

Calvin explains what happened to Hobbes. He says Moe stole his truck, and when he went to get it back, Moe wanted to fight. Calvin didn't want to fight, so he walked away. He asks Hobbes what makes some people so greedy and mean. He asks why some people don't care what's wrong or what's right. Hobbes offers that the problem with people is that they're only human. Calvin says Hobbes is lucky that he doesn't have to be one.

Sitting under a tree, Calvin says sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. Hobbes tells him that's why animals are so soft and huggy. Calvin hugs him and says "yeah".

Mom wakes up to Calvin yelling for her. When she checks on him, he tells her that Hobbes had a bad dream. Mom is angry that Calvin woke her up at 2:00 AM because he thinks his stuffed tiger had a bad dream. Calvin explains that Hobbes dreamed he was hungry and ate them all up. Mom walks back to her room, saying she must be having a bad dream. Calvin asks if she shouldn't make Hobbes a sandwich, just in case.

Calvin tells Dad that at the fresh fish counter at the supermarket, you can buy real squid. He says they're pretty gross. Dad says he bets. Calvin walks away. Dad turns around in his chair and wonders what Calvin is doing.

A meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes reads the minutes of their last meeting. Hobbes mentions much nonsense and commotion from dictator-for-life Calvin. Hobbes keeps reading that president-and-first-tiger Hobbes offered a reasonable solution, which elicits a response from Calvin that Hobbes had told him to jump in the lake. Hobbes reads that the dictator received his comeuppance. Calvin says the minutes are lies. They fight, calling each other chowderhead, moron, ogre, and fleabag. They call a truce as they are exhausted. They climb down declaring another productive meeting. What a great club!

Mom is looking for her shoes. Dad's putting his tie on, but he hasn't seen them. Mom says they were right there. She's in her dress. Dad says they'll be late. Mom says she can't go anywhere without her shoes and asks Dad to help her look. Calvin is hiding the shoes in the closet. He says they're not leaving he and Hobbes with a baby sitter tonight.

The doorbell rings. It's Rosalyn! Calvin goes to the door. He tells Rosalyn that his parents have changed their minds about going out and won't be needing her services. Dad comes out and asks Calvin what he's talking about. Calvin says they can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes. Dad wonders what Calvin knows about that. Calvin looks guilty, says he doesn't know anything and asks if Mom's shoes are missing. Rosalyn asks to be paid in advance.

Calvin is upset Mom and Dad left them with the baby sitter. Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she remembers how they threatened to flush Rosalyn's notes down the toilet. Calvin laughs, calling it their finest moment. Rosalyn opens the door and tells Calvin to get ready for bed. Calvin protests that it's not even 6:30 yet. In bed, Hobbes says she remembers. Calvin says he's going to call the rescue squad.

Calvin comes down the stairs. Rosalyn asks why he's out of bed. Calvin tells her he heard a thump outside. He wants her to check to make sure it's nothing scary. Rosalyn didn't hear a thump, but she offers to check. Calvin waits behind her, thinking her to go another two steps. Rosalyn looks out the door.

Rosalyn shows Calvin there is nothing outside. Calvin closes the door behind her. He locks the door. He and Hobbes can watch TV and eat cookies until they're sick. Hobbes says this is the best they've ever been baby sat.

Rosalyn yells in for Calvin to let her inside. From the top window, Calvin taunts her by saying there's only a 50% chance of rain. Hobbes notices her trying to open the downstairs windows. Calvin already has locked them. Rosalyn looks in the window and tells Calvin to open the door. Calvin asks what's in Rosalyn's purse and says he's going to look.

It's recess and there's a tyrannosaurus on the playground. The kids at the top of the slide go first. They had pushed and fought each other to be there. Teachers line the kids up to go inside. That's a sad mistake. The kids are gobbled up like Children McNuggets. The playground is empty. The tyrannosaur lets out a triumphant roar. Miss Wormwood sees Calvin's empty desk and wonders where he is. One of the kids in the class sees him by the swings yelling or something.

Rosalyn yells in that she's going to tell Calvin's parents about this. Calvin yells down for Rosalyn to pipe down. He and Hobbes can hardly hear the TV. Rosalyn says that he isn't supposed to be watching TV. Calvin offers that if she'll go get a VCR and a movie, they'll put the TV near a window so she can watch. Rosalyn shakes the door knob. Calvin asks if she's 18. He wants her to get "Venusian Vampire Vixens".

The phone rings inside the house. Rosalyn hopes it's Calvin's parents. She yells in that she hopes they ask to speak with her. Calvin says it's her boyfriend, Charlie. He offers to say she's indisposed. She wants to talk with Charlie. Calvin asks Chas if he isn't settling for too little in the girlfriend department.

At the restaurant, Mom and Dad are holding hands with wine glasses on the table. Mom says it's nice for them to get out of the house alone together for a change. Dad says it's so nice and quiet, they should do it more often. At home, Rosalyn yells in that she's going to break a window to get in. Calvin, on the phone, tells Chuck that his girlfriend is a psycho. He hopes Charlie isn't making any long-range plans around her.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin says this is fun. All the TV shows they aren't allowed to watch and a bag of cookies each. They hear a slam. Calvin wonders what it is. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified and wonders how she got in. Mom and Dad come up behind Rosalyn. Calvin gulps and decides it's past his bedtime.

Mom drags Calvin while he protests that is was a misunderstanding, an innocent mistake. Mom explains that locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just mean, it was dangerous. She explains that if he had gotten hurt or there was a fire, Rosalyn wouldn't have been able to help him. She tells Calvin to go apologize. Calvin does. Dad adds that he and Mom are sorry too and assures her Calvin will behave himself next time. Rosalyn says an extra five would help there be a next time.

In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he got in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes, making Mom and Dad late, locking Rosalyn out of the house. Calvin says that's a lot to live down for just one evening. He feels pretty bad. Hobbes adds that having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help.

Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes he had more friends, but people are such jerks. Calvin says if you can get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find one person you really like, you're lucky. He adds that if that person can stand you, you're really lucky. Hobbes asks what if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning. They stop to eat their lunch. They sit up against a tree and eat their apples. Calvin supposes there's no point in being greedy.

Calvin is reading his homework. He says it's boring. He asks how he's ever going to read three whole pages by tomorrow. It's impossible. He hits his book and says nothing's impossible...for Stupendous Man. He runs out of the room.

It's Stupendous Man, lover of liberty. He notices Calvin (his 6-yr-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read. It's tyranny! Stupendous Man could easily read the assignment with his high-speed vision, he has a bolder plan. The caped combatant concludes there's no need for homework if there is no school tomorrow.

Stupendous Man flies to the observatory telescope at Mount Palomar. With his stupendous strength, he carefully unscrews the giant lens and blasts into space with it.

Stupendous Man circles the earth with a 200 inch telescope lens. Aligning perfectly to the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy....and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map. Stupendous Man flies into the bedroom window saying Calvin has no need of ever doing homework again. Liberty prevails!

Mom calls into the bedroom asking if Calvin is doing his homework. Stupendous Man recognizes his arch-nemesis, Mom-lady. He doesn't want her to discover his secret identity. He goes into the closet to change back into his alter ego, Calvin. Mom enters the bedroom looking for Calvin. Calvin, in the closet, notices that Stupendous Man's cape has gotten caught in Calvin's zipper. Mom opens the closet to see Calvin standing in his underwear. She says she can tell this is going to be a good one.

Mom asks why he's standing in his closet in his underwear. Calvin says because it was hot. Mom reminds him he's supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin tells her he doesn't have to do it, thanks to Stupendous Man. He explains how Stupendous Man fried the school with a big magnifying glass in space. He's sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Calvin, sitting at his desk reading his homework, grumbles that she'll be in trouble when she gives him his costume back.

Calvin comes home and is pounced on by Hobbes. They're fighting as Susie asks what he's doing. She says he didn't even change out of his school clothes. Calvin explains that this maniac is so glad to see him that he blasts out like a big orange torpedo. A dog will wag its tail, but a tiger has to pounce on you. Susie asks if Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin says Hobbes enjoys the treachery and cunning of it all. He says it's their evil nature. Susie points out that Hobbes is just sitting there. Calvin says it's a big disguise. No one can fathom the savage mind of a jungle cat. He's a killer to the core. Susie walks off wishing her parents would move. Her diary gets weirder every day. Calvin looks at Hobbes and cocks his fist. He says to wipe off that grin or he'll do it for him.

Calvin the reptile is in trouble. As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Since it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish. He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie. Mom tells Calvin to leave the thermostat alone and put a sweater on if he's cold. Calvin, slumped on a chair, says he doesn't have the energy.

Hobbes is lying on the floor with Calvin leaning against him. Calvin heard that big cats don't purr. Hobbes says that's true. They're too fierce and ferocious. Calvin asks what he calls the noise he makes when his tummy gets rubbed. Hobbes replies it's growling friendly-like.

Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom looked over his report card and think he could do better. Calvin says he doesn't like school. Dad explains that Calvin likes to read and likes to learn. He knows Calvin has read every dinosaur book ever written, and he learned a lot. He says reading and learning are fun. Dad asks why he doesn't like school. Calvin tells him they don't read about dinosaurs.

Calvin has an idea for Dad. He suggests Dad pay him $1 for every "D", $5 for every "C", $10 for every "B", and $50 for every "A". Dad says he's not going to bribe Calvin. He should apply himself for his own good. Calvin says rats, he thought he could make a quick four bucks.

Calvin calls Valley Hardware looking for blasting caps, detonators, timers, and wire. They only have wire. He asks if they rent bulldozers or backhoes. He tells them a rototiller won't do. He asks about wrecking balls. They can't help Calvin. He walks outside and tells Hobbes it looks like another boring day.

Calvin can't sleep, he's been thinking. Hobbes asks about what. Calvin wonders what happens if there is no afterlife. That would mean this life is all you get. That would mean he's sitting in bed as precious moments of his all-too-short life disappear forever. Mom wakes Dad asking if he hears the television on.

Calvin can't get to sleep. He tries lying still thinking about how good it feels in bed, how soft the pillow is, how tired he is. That isn't working. He hears someone calling his name. Calvin asks if Mom is awake too. It's time to get up. Calvin says it can't be. It's the middle of the night and he hasn't slept a wink yet. Mom gently shakes Calvin awake. He had been dreaming. Calvin blinks his eyes. As he eats his cereal, he says this is going to be a bad day.

Calvin tells Mom the strangest thing happened to him a few minutes ago. He was suddenly zapped into some sort of space void vortex. He watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of himself from a parallel universe took his place and... Mom asks what he did now. Calvin quickly says it wasn't him.

Calvin is reading in the chair. He hears something say "heh, heh, heh". He looks behind the chair. He tells Hobbes he sees him sneaking up to pounce on him. Hobbes says "phooey". Calvin tells him he sees why most tigers don't chuckle to themselves.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to play a game he invented. It's called "gross out". Hobbes should say the grossest thing he can think of, then Calvin tries to come up with something grosser. Whoever has the grossest thing gets a point. They play until someone gets 50 points. Hobbes says he thinks he already know who will win. Calvin says nobody has ever played a whole game with him.

Dad is sitting on his chair, reading. Calvin blows up a paper bag and pops it. Dad jumps. Calvin tells him to pay attention to him.

Calvin tells Hobbes he has to write a report for school. It's on bats. Calvin can't think of anything more stupid. He says he doesn't know anything about bats. How's he supposed to write a report on something he knows nothing about? Hobbes says he supposes research is out of the question. Calvin says he's going to learn about bats, then write a report? Give him a break!

Calvin calls Susie. He asks her what her topic for the report is. It's elephants. Calvin asks if she's going to the library to do research on elephants. Susie is. Calvin asks while she's there if she wouldn't mind researching bats, too, and make copies of all the information she finds, underline the important parts, and outline it so he doesn't have to read it. Calvin comes back to his bedroom. Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin, with a frown, says he really loathes girls.

Calvin asks Dad why old photographs are black and white. He asks if they didn't have color film back then. Dad tells him they did, but the world was black and white then. He says the world didn't turn color until the 1930's. Calvin says that's weird. Dad says truth is stranger than fiction. Calvin then asks why old paintings are in color. If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Dad says a lot of great artists were insane. Calvin asks how they could have painted in color. Their paints would have been shades of gray. Dad says the paints turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. Calvin then asks why old black and white photos didn't turn color. Dad says because they were color pictures of black and white. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes the world is a complicated place. Hobbes says whenever it seems that way, he takes a nap in a tree and waits for dinner.

Calvin asks Hobbes to help him with his bat report. Hobbes suggests starting with what they know. Hobbes asks what bats are. Calvin asks if they're bugs. He has Hobbes write that down. Hobbes asks if he's sure they're bugs. Calvin says they fly, they're ugly and hairy. He tries hurrying Hobbes, saying this is taking all day.

Calvin thinks they have enough information. Hobbes tells him they only have the one fact Calvin made up. Calvin says that's plenty. By the time they add an introduction, a few illustrations, and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, he has a secret weapon that guarantees a good grade. No teacher can resist it. It's a clear plastic binder. Pretty professional looking, eh? Hobbes says he doesn't want coauthor credit on the report.

Calvin asks Susie if she wrote her report. She did, it took all the evening. Calvin says it only took him 15 minutes. It doesn't take long when you know as much as he does. Susie asks to see the report. Calvin tells her she won't be setting the grade curve this time. She reads the title "Bats: The Big Bug Scourge of the Skies". Calvin points out the professional, clear plastic binder. Susie yells that bats aren't bugs.

Miss Wormwood asks the class if there are any volunteers to give his report first. Calvin volunteers. Miss Wormwood is surprised. She says Calvin must have done a good job. She tells Calvin to start. Calvin begins by pointing out to everyone that his report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. Calvin continues by saying when a report looks this good, you know it'll get an "A". He says that's a tip, kids, and he tells them to write that down.

Calvin starts with a dramatic reading of "With a creepy, tingling sensation, you hear the fluttering of leathery wings. Bats! These unspeakable giant bugs drop onto...". The class all replies "Bats aren't bugs". Calvin asks them who's giving the report. Those chowderheads or him? Miss Wormwood would like to see Calvin a moment.

Calvin complains to Hobbes about what the teacher wrote on his report. She says he obviously did no research whatsoever and that his scientific illustration looks like he traced the Batman logo and added fangs. Hobbes says she's pretty perceptive. Calvin says she didn't even give him credit for the professional, clear plastic binder. Hobbes asks what his parents have to say. Calvin replies nothing. He says with Hobbes' help, it will stay that way. He has a shovel in his hand, and he's digging a hole for the report.

Calvin believes history is a force. Its tide sweeps all people and institutions along its path. Everything and everyone serve history's single purpose. Hobbes asks what that purpose is. Calvin says to produce him, of course. He's the end result of history. Calvin says thousands of generations lived and died to produce his exact, specific parents, whose reason for being was to produce him. Calvin goes on to say all history has been spent preparing the world for his presence. Hobbes thinks four and a half billion years probably wasn't long enough. Calvin says he's here, and history is vindicated. Hobbes asks what he's going to do, now that history's brought him. They sit at home watching cartoons on the television.

Calvin asks Susie what she brought for lunch. Susie tells him a Swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. She says it's her favorite, so she doesn't want to hear what gross thing he brought. Calvin says he bought the school lunch today. He says it appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. Susie yells that those are beany-wienies. Calvin sticks out his tongue and says "Oh gross".

Dad answers the phone, and it's Calvin. Calvin tells him he's at school. Dad asks if everything is alright. He asks why he called. Calvin says he told the teacher he had to go to the bathroom. Instead, Calvin went to the pay phone. He asks Dad what 11 + 7 is.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin says he was reading how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Calvin continues by saying the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Calvin pulls his shirt out, then steps into it. He comes downstairs standing in his shirt, with his pants and shoes on his head. Mom tells him he will be late for school. He makes him put his clothes on right. Walking away, Calvin laments that it's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.

In bed, Calvin wonders why man was put on earth. He asks what's their purpose. Why are they here? Hobbes tells him "tiger food". Hobbes then smiles at Calvin. Lying back down in bed, Calvin peeks over at Hobbes.

Hobbes is lying asleep on the floor. Calvin walks by blowing a gum bubble. It pops, and Hobbes jumps into the air. Calvin, lying on the floor all torn up, asks Hobbes if he's a little high-strung. Hobbes tells him tigers call it lightning quick reflexes.

Calvin is dragging the sled, but there's no snow on the ground. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin says he plans an appeal to the snow demons. He says they're tormenting them with wimpy weather because they're angry. Calvin is going to lie on his sled and think snow thoughts until the snow demons have mercy and unleash a blizzard. Calvin says a rhyme about it snowing. Hobbes looks at the sky. He walks away and says he'll come out in January to see how he's doing. Calvin tells him to let Mom know he'll need his meals out there and that he won't be going to school tomorrow.

Calvin is reading his homework. Suddenly, he flies up into the ceiling. BAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around.

Calvin is sitting on the ceiling. Nothing else fell up, just him. If he tries to jump to the floor, he lands back on the ceiling. His personal gravity must have reversed polarity. As he walks along the ceiling, he says you'd think this would be the type of thing they'd learn about in science class. But instead, they learn about cirrus clouds.

Calvin can't figure out how to get to the floor with his personal gravity polarity reversed. There's nothing on the ceiling he can climb to get there. He wonders how he'll do his homework if he's trapped on the ceiling. Calvin smiles.

Calvin knows Mom and Dad won't be happy about things. Dad will have to bolt his bed to the ceiling, and Mom will have to stand on a step ladder to serve dinner. He'll have to hold the plate upside down and scrape the food off the underside. If he spills anything, it will fall ten feet to the floor. He says this will be the most fun he's ever had.

With all the open ceiling space, Calvin wishes he could get his roller skates. He decides to try climbing down the bookcase and jumping to a chair. Then he can pull himself across other pieces of furniture to get to his toy chest. As he walks down the bookcase, he says he can hear Mom wondering how he got sneaker prints on the underside of each shelf.

Calvin is ready to jump to the chair. He leaps. The chair pushes over and lands on its back. WHAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around.

Calvin gets dressed and walks out the door. He trips on a rock and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He gets out of bed, gets dressed, goes out the door, and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He hears Mom call to him, asking if he's getting up.

Calvin tries to pull the chair upright. Mom comes over and asks if he's getting any homework done, or if he's just ruining furniture. Calvin replies that maybe he's hanging on the chair for dear life.

As Mom picks Calvin up, he tells her his personal gravity reversed its polarity. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he tells her he's been stuck on the ceiling. He couldn't do his homework there. He tells Mom she should be glad it didn't happen outside or he would be sailing through the ionosphere. As Mom puts him in his chair, she tells him she doesn't want to hear any more of his nonsense until he's through with his homework. Calvin tells her not to let him go.

Calvin declares a miracle. His personal gravity is back to normal. Mom's glad to hear it. Calvin says it's a relief to be pulled down instead of up. Mom says she'll check on his progress in a little bit. Calvin sits grumpily looking at his homework. He starts to get larger. He says "uh oh".

Calvin keeps growing. He tries to get out his bedroom door. He squeezes out into the hallway. As he crawls along, he says this has been a most peculiar afternoon.

Calvin has to get outside before he grows bigger. He barely gets his foot out the door. Once outside, he walks off saying he should get his pituitary gland checked.

Calvin runs toward downtown to find Dad at work. He figures he can help. As Calvin walks among the skyscrapers, he can't tell which one Dad works in. He decides maybe Dad can find him.

The muck monsters of Mordo are closing in on Spaceman Spiff. They fire at them, but just miss. He tries to fly through the rings of the planet below. The monsters veer off, afraid to follow Spiff. Swerving left, right, up, and down, Spiff pilots around each hurling missile. POW! Our hero's going down. Moe has hit Calvin with a ball. Calvin, lying against a wall, says he hates playing "dodge ball" in gym class.

The ever-growing Calvin walks off the shore into the ocean. His head enters the clouds. He grows up through the clouds. Calvin looks up toward the heavens.

Calvin continues to grow. He gets so big he can barely stand on the earth. He gets bigger and eventually falls off the earth.

Calvin falls into the Milky Way galaxy. He tumbles around. He sees a door.

Calvin opens the door, and he's normal size in his room. He sits back down at the desk. Mom comes in and asks how his math is coming along. Calvin says he's almost started.

Mom is talking to Calvin, but he's thinking about getting another "discussion" about his study habits and the importance of homework. Calvin continues thinking about how he tried to tell her it's hard to study when one's size suddenly starts increasing. Mom is still talking and gesturing, but Calvin continues thinking about how she says it's all his fault. Mom hasn't been as big as a galaxy, so she doesn't understand how anyone else can be. Calvin thinks Mom is wrapping up, so he starts nodding. Mom tells him she's glad they had this little talk.

Calvin tells Hobbes he missed the show. He tells him he got a big lecture because he got stuck on the ceiling and then grew so big he fell off the planet when he should have been doing math. Hobbes doesn't think that isn't fair. Calvin asks for help on his homework. Hobbes says tigers are good at math. He asks what the little horizontal lines mean. Calvin tells him it's a minus sign. He tells Hobbes to let him know when he's done. Calvin is going to be reading comic books.

Calvin is mailing his Christmas list to Santa. It's costing $2.40 to send. Calvin says Santa had better read it carefully. Last year, he didn't get half of what he wanted. Hobbes asks Calvin if he behaved better this year. Calvin says he's been a veritable angel this year, like always. Hobbes says in that case, they can have a cookout with his stocking contents. Hobbes asks if Calvin put anything on his list for him. Calvin tells him to make his own list. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and tells Calvin "tidings of comfort and joy to you too". Calvin tells him it's every man for himself in this world. But since Calvin can't reach the mail box flap to open it, he tells Hobbes to give him a boost.

Calvin asks Dad when they're going to get a Christmas tree. Dad tells Calvin a little after New Year's. Calvin is shocked. Dad explains that they can go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. Dad continues by saying there's sometimes some tinsel left on the trees, so you don't even have to decorate it. You save time and money. Calvin, horrified, clings to Mom's ankle. Mom asks what Dad told him this time.

In class, Calvin has a question. He asks Miss Wormwood if they could stop the lesson and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Miss Wormwood says of course not. Calvin then asks if just he can.

For "show and tell", Calvin has something he says will astound and amaze the class. He looks into the bag, then looks from side-to-side. He then asks the class if everyone has had their shots.

Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed tonight. A couple voices say of course not, come see for himself. Calvin says he's not going to fall for that. He asks who he's talking to if there are no monsters. After some hesitation, the voices say they're dust balls. Calvin says they're all teeth and digestive tract, no brains at all.

Calvin asks what his disgusting dinner is. Mom sets the plate down and tells him it's spider pie. She says he can pick out the big legs and give them to Dad if they're too hairy for Calvin. Calvin looks at the plate. Calvin decides he likes it. Mom says they'll have a quiet dinner for once. Dad says he sure doesn't feel like opening his mouth.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he wants to play outside. Calvin goes into great detail why he doesn't. He'd have to get up, get a coat, put on his hat, they'd run around and get tired. Then, he'd have to come in and take it all off again. Hobbes asks what he'll do. Calvin says he's going to sit in the chair until a good TV show comes on. Hobbes walks off saying he'll tell Mom and Dad to point him toward the light and water him periodically. Calvin tells him that instead of making smart remarks, he could get Calvin the remote control.

It has snowed overnight. Calvin walks out into it. He says a mountain of ice has crushed half the neighborhood. It's a glacier in his own town. Wooly mammoths walk about. Calvin declares a new Ice Age. He pulls out his sled. There has really only been one...lousy...half...inch. Hobbes tells Calvin the sun is coming out.

Mom asks why Calvin is still in bed. She's called him three times. Calvin says he's staying in bed until Christmas. He wants tons of loot this year, and he figures his chances of being good improve greatly if he doesn't get up. Mom says that disobeying his mother and missing the bus isn't good, it's bad. As Calvin hops into his clothes, he says that darn Santa has got him every way he turns.

Calvin tells Hobbes he hates this time of year. He has two more weeks to be good if he wants Christmas goodies. He says he tries to be good. He says his heart is pure as the driven snow. He says sometimes events beyond his control conspire against him. Hobbes rolls his eyes, and Calvin catches him. They start fighting. Calvin says Hobbes' eyes will be rolling toward each other when he's through with him. Hobbes counters by saying he hopes Calvin asked Santa for some crutches.

Still fighting, Calvin calls Hobbes a miscreant. He asks if Hobbes questions his integrity. Hobbes replies he can't question it until he sees some evidence of it. Calvin stops and realizes he's been fighting. Calvin yells to Santa that Hobbes made him fight. Hobbes yells that Calvin meant to fight and that Calvin started it. They start fighting again, calling each other liars.

Calvin stops again and tells Hobbes that since no one saw them fighting, it can be their little secret. He says Santa doesn't have to know about this. Hobbes isn't sure if Santa does or not. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes. Hobbes replies that Calvin bit and kicked. Calvin says he apologized and wonders what else Hobbes wants. Hobbes says Calvin could let him read all his comic books. Calvin replies "Over my dead body". Hobbes pretends to write Santa a note about what Calvin did today.

Calvin tells Hobbes that if it wasn't so close to Christmas, he'd pound him good. Hobbes wants to see him try. Calvin won't be tempted. He wants every item on his Christmas list, so he's being good. Hobbes mentions Susie Derkins is coming. Calvin looks for a pine cone to throw at her. He stops, clenches his teeth, and says he's going to be good. Hobbes says he'll never make it to Christmas. He might as well give up now and enjoy himself.

Susie asks Calvin if he's bringing Hobbes to school. Calvin says Hobbes is just keeping him company while he waits for the bus. Calvin goes on to say Hobbes has been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage Calvin's Christmas by making Calvin be bad. Calvin tells Susie that he asked Santa for such great presents that he can withstand any temptation. Susie asks what he asked for. Calvin tells her a heat-seeking guided missile. He figures five minutes with one of those babies makes up for the whole rotten month.

Hobbes brings Calvin a letter from the "North Pole". Calvin opens the note and reads that he's a rotten little kid, he's obviously the naughtiest kid in the whole world, but he has seven days to get on the "good boy" list. The note suggests being kind to animals. Perhaps an animal who would like a snack soon, or one who could read his comic books sometime. It's signed "Santa Claws". Calvin recognizes the handwriting. It is from Hobbes. Calvin offers Hobbes a knuckle sandwich for a snack.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he'll help him write a book. Calvin says this book will be like historical fiction. He's writing a fictional autobiography. He tells Hobbes it's the story of his life with a lot of parts completely made up. Hobbes asks why he'd want to make up his whole life. Calvin replies that in his book, he has a flame thrower.

Calvin comes upon a sleeping Hobbes. Calvin says a poem. "Still and quiet feline form, in the sun asleep and warm, his tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, man what could make this cat so pooped". He walks off. Hobbes thinks "sheeshh".

Calvin tells Mom he's making a newspaper to report the events of the household. He's looking for a page one lead story and asks if he can interview her. He asks what she's cutting up for dinner. Mom replies fish. Calvin has the headlines. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family devours victim! Mom shoo's him out of the kitchen.

Calvin tells Dad he's making a newspaper to report the events of the household. He asks Dad to help him out either by giving him fifteen bucks to pay labor and production costs or to be the subject of a comic strip, "Dopey Dad". Under his blanket at night, using a flashlight, Calvin and Hobbes are drawing the comic strip. Calvin has Dopey Dad yelling "It's bed time for you, young man". Hobbes chuckles about how big he made the mouth.

Calvin gets out of the bathtub wearing a snorkel and mask. He's breathing through the snorkel. He goes out the bathroom door and down the stairs. He's standing there naked telling Mom he wishes they would get an aquarium.

Dad asks Calvin what story he'd like to hear. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad wants to read something different. Calvin insists. Dad says he's going to read a different story that Calvin will like. Calvin says he won't like it. He threatens to stay awake until morning unless Dad reads Hamster Huey. Afterward, Hobbes tells Calvin he doesn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that sarcastic tone of voice. Calvin doesn't remember Hamster Huey doing everything so fast.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying on the floor, by the Christmas tree and the fireplace. There is a poem about Christmas Eve. It reads the tree is decorated festively, Christmas songs play on the radio, his tiger is fast asleep, he turns to warm whatever's not hot. He gives his friend a gentle hug. Tomorrow is what he's waiting for, but he can wait a little more.

Calvin and Hobbes are under the Christmas tree. Hobbes gives Calvin a present. He picked it out himself. It's three cans of salmon. Calvin thanks Hobbes for the gift. Calvin feels bad because he didn't get Hobbes anything. Hobbes suggests Calvin give him back the gift. Calvin does, and Hobbes thanks him. They exchange Christmas wishes.

Calvin and Hobbes are at the top of "Pallbearer Peak" with their sled. Calvin talks about the horror of the descent, the thousand foot vertical drop onto a boulder field lined with pricker bushes. It's a journey calculated to exceed the human capacity for blinding fear. Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ready to go, and Hobbes says yes. They get up and walk off with their sled in hand.

Calvin is standing in the snow watching Dad walk by. Calvin asks if Dad is wearing a new hat. Dad says yes. Calvin says he likes it, and Dad says he does, also. Calvin makes a snowball. Dad's briefcase is lying on the sidewalk next to his new hat which has snow around it. Off screen, Calvin yells that Dad is going to be late for work.

There are snowmen on the yard. One is holding his head, one has three eyes and two noses, one was built around a tree so it looks like the tree sticks up from the snowman, one is cut in half by a smaller snowman on a sled. Mom has her tongue stuck out. Calvin asks if Mom likes his "Snowman House of Horror".

A snowball flies over Calvin's head. He turns and says he sees Hobbes. He says Hobbes is a lousy shot. The next snowball smacks Calvin right in the face. Hobbes comes over and says he just threw the first one so Calvin would turn around.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking across the snow covered field. Hobbes says a new decade is coming up. Calvin says big deal. Calvin asks where are the flying cars, the moon colonies, the personal robots, and zero gravity boots. He scoffs that this is the future. He asks where are the rocket packs, disintegration rays, and floating cities. Hobbes isn't so sure people have the brains to manage the technology they have.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is making any New Year resolutions. Calvin asks what he's implying. He thinks he's perfect the way he is. He rants on about staying like this, and everyone can get used to it. It's a free country. He doesn't need anyone's permission to be the way he wants. He says life is too short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how he should be. Everyone can stay out of his face. He turns around to see Hobbes has left. Calvin grumbles that Hobbes should resolve to be more attentive when someone is speaking.

Calvin makes a snowball and rolls it down the hill. He watches it go down, then cheers. At the bottom of the hill, under a huge snowball, Susie yells back up the hill at Calvin.

Calvin looks down the hill. He and Hobbes are at the top of the hill with their sled. Calvin says that before going down a steep hill, one should always give his sled a safety check. Seat belts and signals? Hobbes says none. Brakes and steering? Hobbes says none. Down the hill they go, yelling "Wheeeeee" as they slide down.

Calvin asks Mom how cold it is outside. Mom suggests he go check. Calvin opens the front door and stands there. Snow starts piling up around him and on his head. He tells Mom he'd say it's pretty darn cold. Mom is ready to wring his neck and says she wants to show him an interesting gadget that's hanging outside the window.

Calvin throws a snowball at Susie that goes over her head. She makes fun of Calvin. He storms off with an angry expression. Susie looks started. She runs off with Calvin in close pursuit. He has a shovel full of snow in his hand.

Calvin and Hobbes come in from the snow. Calvin says this is the part of winter he likes. You come inside cold and soaked, you put on dry clothes and go into the kitchen, where Mom has a steaming mug of hot chocolate waiting for you. He calls for Mom, but there's no answer. Hobbes reads a note that says Mom is next door. She writes for him not to eat anything or he'll spoil his appetite. Calvin says this is going to be a long, cold, dark winter.

Calvin has built a snowman that lies on the ground. Calvin has a saw in his hand, taking the top of the snowman off. Calvin tells Susie that while he's doing the brain surgery, she can build a donor and do a heart transplant. Susie walks off saying forget it. She's not going to play with him any more.

Calvin declares himself a genius. He has loaded snowballs onto his toboggan. He sees Susie building a snowman down the hill. He plans to zip down and pelt her silly with the snowballs. He tells Hobbes to steer, while he throws. Susie hears them coming. Calvin is telling Hobbes to steer closer. Then, they're too close. Calvin calls "Mayday". PIFF! They run into Susie's snowman. Calvin, lying in the snow, says another genius is thwarted by an incapable assistant. Susie has the head of her snowman in her hands above her head. She tells Calvin to look up.

Calvin asks Hobbes to look at his newest invention. It's a box, sitting open on its side. Hobbes asks if that isn't Calvin's transmogrifier. Calvin says that it was, but he made some modifications. It's now a duplicator. It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier. Instead of a reproduction on paper, you get a real duplicate. Hobbes asks if their financial worries are now over. Calvin tells him counterfeiting is just one of its many uses around the home.

Hobbes asks if Calvin has tested his duplicator yet. Calvin is ready to. Hobbes asks what they should duplicate first. Calvin volunteers himself. He says Mom wants him to clean his room, so he can duplicate himself and let the duplicate do the work. Hobbes says he can picture the looks on his parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Calvin thinks he can make a whole baseball team this summer.

Calvin tells Hobbes to push the button to duplicate him. Hobbes isn't so sure he should. Calvin criticizes Hobbes as a doubting Thomas getting in the way of scientific advancement with their stupid ethical questions. Hobbes says he'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress, so he pushes the button. BOINK! Hobbes asks if scientific progress goes boink. Inside the box, Calvin says that it worked and he's a genius. Another voice calls Calvin a liar and says he invented it.

Calvin introduces his duplicate. Hobbes isn't sure he's ready for this. Calvin tells his duplicate that he and Hobbes are going out to play. The duplicate will clean Calvin's room and do his homework. The duplicate doesn't like that. He runs off, telling Calvin to find another sucker to do his dirty work. Hobbes comments on how he is a duplicate of Calvin, all right. Calvin asks what he means. He says the duplicate is a total jerk.

The duplicate walks by Mom dressed to go outside. Mom asks if he cleaned his room like she asked him to. The duplicate tells her that he's going outside and that Calvin can clean his own room. Mom doesn't want any nonsense and tells him to go upstairs. As he walks away, he says he's Calvin's duplicate. Calvin is upstairs. Mom gets angry and tells him to go to his room. The duplicate says she's a crabby lady. He asks if she's Calvin's cruel governess.

Calvin and Hobbes leave the bedroom to look for the duplicate. Mom is putting a coat on the duplicate, who keeps telling Mom that he's not Calvin. He says Calvin is in his bedroom. Mom opens the bedroom door and shows there is no one there. She tells him no more games and to clean his room. Calvin is getting his coat on to check outside for the duplicate. Hobbes says they better hurry. He hears Mom coming down the stairs.

Calvin asks Dad to play outside in the snow with him. Dad is doing paperwork, so he can't play. Dad keeps working, but it's hard to concentrate. He looks out the window, then at his papers. He gets up and joins Calvin outside. They build a snowman together. That night, Dad is again working on his papers, but Mom holds Calvin up so he can give Dad a goodnight kiss on the head.

Mom sees Calvin outside. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies no. Mom brings him inside and says she did tell him to clean the room. She says she's losing patience for this game. Calvin tells Hobbes she must have seen his duplicate. They go to find the duplicate before he can cause any more trouble. In the bedroom, another duplicate walks out of the duplicator. Number two introduces himself to number three.

Calvin and Hobbes run up the stairs. Calvin says Mom must have sent his duplicate upstairs. Hobbes says this is turning into a mess. Calvin complains that the duplicate gets in trouble, but he gets the blame. They're horrified as they open the bedroom door. Hobbes says Calvin's duplicator is a big success as he looks at five duplicate Calvins. One of them says the duplicator burned out after the fifth one.

Calvin is horrified to see his duplicate made duplicates. Calvin wonders what he should do. Hobbes suggests telling Mom to put out extra table settings. Calvin tells the duplicates they have to stay in the room and keep quiet. None of the duplicates want to do that. Calvin says that since he's the original, they have to do what he says. The duplicates suggest putting it to a vote.

One of the duplicates is going to get some cookies. One of them is going outside. Another one wonders what's on TV. Calvin tells them Mom will see them. One of the duplicates says that as long as they split up, every time Mom sees one of them, she'll think they're Calvin. The duplicates laugh and walk off. Calvin calls them a bunch of devious little stinkers. He wonders where they learned to misbehave that way. Hobbes thinks they should check into a hotel until this is over.

Mom tells Calvin not to eat cookies before dinner. She asks if he cleaned his room yet. The reply is that he's not Calvin, he's a duplicate. Mom storms off saying "some days that kid of mine". She sees Calvin in the living room watching TV. She asks what he's doing in there. The reply is "are you taking a survey".

Dad gets home, and Calvin says hi. Dad replies, and another Calvin comes by to say hi. Dad says that he already told him hi. Another Calvin says hi, and Dad tells him to knock it off. Mom tells Dad that he should have a talk with Calvin. He's been driving her crazy.

Mom, Dad, and Calvin are walking outside. Calvin complains that his toes are numb. Dad tells him numb toes build character. Calvin asks if frostbite, hypothermia, and death build character too. He says this is the worst day of his life. He says it seems like they've been walking for hours. Mom asks him to quit griping. Calvin says he's not griping. He's just observing what a miserable experience this walk is. He complains that as long as he's trudging hundreds of miles for no apparent reason, he might as well do it in silence. He continues ranting about being in the elements like a complete idiot, watching his digits turn to ice and fall off. They finally get home. Calvin grabs his toboggan and runs to play.

Calvin tells the duplicates that since he doesn't know how to get rid of them, they might as well cooperate. He says they can divide up the school week, since there are enough duplicates. There's one for each day. Calvin says if the rest of them lay low, they can take turns going to school, and no one will be the wiser. Calvin ends with the question of who will get the bed. The duplicates offer to fight him for it.

Susie says hi to Calvin. The reply is that he's duplicate number two. Susie asks what he's talking about. He explains that they drew straws, and it's his day to go to school. They're taking turns. Susie says Calvin's so weird, she isn't going to talk to him. He says he's not Calvin. Susie wishes she lived someplace where she went to a normal bus stop. He asks if she'll help him find Calvin's locker.

Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the homework problem that was assigned. Calvin says he wasn't there yesterday. Miss Wormwood says he was present. The explanation is that he is duplicate number five. Duplicate number two was at school yesterday. They are taking turns. Number two will be back next week, so she can ask him to do the problem then. In the principal's office, Calvin says he doesn't see what's so hard about this.

Number four comes in the bedroom. He tells the others it's okay to come out. They ask how school went. He tells them he was sent to the principal's office, just like numbers two and five did. Calvin says not even he got sent to the principal's office every day. He says they're making him look bad. One of the duplicates says that if Calvin doesn't like their performance, he can go to school himself. Calvin says they shouldn't jump to conclusions. All he's saying is there is room for improvement.

Calvin tells Hobbes they need to get rid of the duplicates. All they do is get him in trouble. Calvin says everyone thinks he's doing all these rotten things, when it's really a duplicate. He's being framed by his own doubles. A bunch of duplicates run past Calvin, saying "run" and "hide". Hobbes says it appears Calvin has perpetrated another crime. Calvin complains that the worst part is that he doesn't even have the fun of doing the stuff he's getting blamed for.

Calvin asks the duplicates what they've done now. They tell him to hide, because Mom is on the warpath. All the duplicates hide under the duplicator box when Mom comes in. Calvin smiles and tries to look innocent while Mom asks him to explain his behavior. From under the box, Calvin hears whispered a request to have a bigger allowance. Five times bigger. Calvin asks if he can get back to her on that issue.

Calvin stands looking at the snow, saying everything looks so pretty. He says it's his favorite time of the year. A shadow falls over Calvin. He looks up to see Hobbes. WUMPH! They tumble in the snow and roll down the hill. Covered with snow, Hobbes says this is his favorite time of the year. The new snow muffles approaching footsteps. Also covered with snow, Calvin says he can't wait for spring.

Calvin is depressed that Mom read him the riot act. Hobbes whispers a suggestion to Calvin, who smiles. From under the box, voices ask if Mom has left, if the coast is clear, and whether they can come out. Hobbes says Mom is coming back again. Calvin tells the duplicates to be quiet. Calvin calls Hobbes a genius, as Calvin changes the wording on the box from duplicator to transmogrifier.

Calvin says so long to the duplicates. From under the box, they start to say they're not going anywhere. Calvin turns on the transmogrifier. ZAP! Hobbes asks what he changed them into. Calvin tells him worms. He says he didn't want them to be unhappy.

Calvin tells Mom he won't be getting into trouble anymore. Calvin again explains that he made duplicates of himself, and it was the duplicates who were bad. Calvin shows her that he transmogrified them. He holds his hands open, showing the worms. Mom yells for him not to carry worms through the house. She sends him outside. Calvin digs a hole to put the worms in. He tells them they got him in trouble one last time. He hopes they're happy. The worms ask if he doesn't want to put them on Dad's dinner plate tonight before they go.

Calvin tells Hobbes that they learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. Hobbes asks what that lesson is. Calvin thinks about it, but can't come up with anything. As they walk off, Calvin says "So we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me". Hobbes replies "Live and don't learn. That's us".

WHAP! Susie gets smacked in the back of the head with a snowball. She asks Calvin if he threw it. Calvin pleads ignorance. Susie looks at Calvin's mittens and sees bits of gravel, bark, mud, and ice. She says it was his snowball. Calvin, lying in a pile of snow, says that's the problem with having a signature style.

Calvin aims and throws a snowball. He's angered when his target says he missed by a mile. Calvin storms over. Hobbes is there, and Calvin tells him he's lucky Calvin didn't get that snow blower for Christmas.

Sledding down the hill, Calvin says television validates existence. The sled ride is fleeting and elusive. By tomorrow, they will have forgotten it, and it may as well have not happened. If they were on TV, countless viewers would share in the event and confirm it. This sled ride would become part of mass consciousness. On TV, the impact of an event is determined by the image, not its substance. With strong visuals, their sled ride could make them cultural icons. Instead of being boring ol' Calvin and Hobbes, they could be "Calvin and Hobbes - as seen on TV". They fly off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says at this moment, he likes his anonymity. Calvin thinks they should go for the high-brow public TV audience.

Calvin reads his quiz question. Joe and Jack leave their homes at the same time, driving toward each other. One drives 60 mph, the other 30 mph. They pass in ten minutes. How far apart were they when they started? Calvin looks at the paper. Calvin is in his office, hat on, feet propped up, cigarette in mouth. He says "It was another baffling case. But then, you don't hire a private eye for the easy ones". Tracer Bullet is here.

It's Tracer Bullet, Private Eye. It says so on the door. He planned to take the day off with his buddies. They travel light and are fun to have around. One travels in a holster, the other in a hip flask. The last thing he wanted was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to get to work. Calvin is sitting at his desk, with his feet up, thinking it would cost her fifty greenbacks a day, plus expenses.

Tracer steps out to the street to review the facts. Two saps, Joe and Jack, drive toward each other and pass. Questions pour down like rain. Who are these mugs? What are they trying to accomplish? Why was Jack in such a hurry? Why does it matter where they started? He had a hunch that before this was over, he'd be sorry he asked.

Tracer figures he'll try the Derkins dame. Susie and he had never hit it off, occasionally they hit each other. Tracer says Susie has a face that suggests someone upstairs has a weird sense of humor. But he needed information. He figures she looks pretty smug for a dame with a head for numbers, but not much else. The question is, will she sing? Susie tells Calvin she will not tell him the answer and to do his own work.

Bullet says the Derkins dame wasn't talking. Someone had gotten to her and shut her up good. He knows Susie. Closing her mouth would have taken some work. He needed a clue and a drink. He knew where to find one of them. Miss Wormwood grabs Calvin and says he's had enough trips to the water fountain. Tracer says a gorilla pulled him into an alley, squeezed his spine into an accordion, and played a polka on him with brass knuckles.

Tracer's head was exploding with fireworks. When he came to, the pieces fit together. Jack and Joe's life were defined by integers. They were in a "numbers" racket. Back in the office, Tracer pulled the files on numbers big enough to keep Susie quiet and to want him out of the picture. Calvin answers 1,000,000,000 on his quiz. Case closed!

Susie stands in the snow saying winter has wrapped the land in a soft, white blanket, and the earth sleeps quietly. Suddenly, she hears yelling coming down the hill. It's Calvin, yelling at Hobbes to lean, yelling "look out below", "mayday", and "bail out". Calvin's sled crashes. He yells at Hobbes for almost getting them killed. They start fighting. Susie walks away, saying that when she grows up, she'll live in the tropics. Hobbes tells Calvin to get the sled out of the tree so they can do it again. Calvin wants to get a siren for the sled.

Calvin comes back inside, telling Mom he missed the bus. He tells her if she hurries, they can jump in the car, zoom up and pass the bus, drop him at a later stop, and he can ride the bus from there. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Calvin runs up to her asking what she's waiting for. He tells her to rev up the car. Calvin, walking down the sidewalk, says Mom's so lazy.

Calvin makes a big snowball. He makes another and sets it on top of the first. He makes a snowman standing against a tree. He puts a blindfold on it and a stick in its mouth. Calvin gets a snowball in his hand and says ready, aim...

Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. Calvin asks to watch the next TV program. Mom tells him he needs his sleep. Calvin begs for another fifteen minutes of TV watching. Then he tries asking for ten, and finally five minutes. Mom tells him to turn off the TV. Calvin says he'll just watch a few more commercials. He points out his favorite gum commercial just coming on. In bed, Calvin guesses that got pretty pathetic.

Eating breakfast, Calvin remembers that it's "show and tell" day. Mom asks why he can't think of these things more than two minutes before the bus arrives. Calvin runs off saying he has to take something. As he runs, he sneezes into his hands. He tells Mom never mind, and he asks if they have any plastic bags. Mom, sitting reading the newspaper, repeats over and over "I don't want to know".

Calvin and Hobbes are covered with snow, their sled stuck into the ground. They stomp along, still covered with snow. They're both frowning as they take their coats off and brush off the snow. They both stomp along, still frowning. Hobbes points to the page in the dictionary. He says he told Calvin that starboard is right, and port is left. Calvin concedes that he was wrong for once in his life and tells Hobbes to shut up.

Calvin throws a snowball, but misses. He laments his fuzzy mittens. He complains the snow sticks to them, preventing him from throwing straight. As he packs another snowball, he says he hates his fuzzy mittens. If Mom had gotten him padded gloves instead of those mittens....WHAP! He's hit by a snowball. Hobbes walks over to the snow-covered Calvin, looks at his paws, and says that his fuzzy mittens have pads.

Spaceman Spiff cruises over Planet Quorg. Our hero explores the peculiar rock formations, looking for life. The rock formations are too peculiar. Spiff suddenly realizes this landscape was not created by geological forces. Spiff hits the thrusters. The formations are footprints. While Spiff was searching for alien life, it was searching for him. Spiff is sure it wanted the earthling for dinner. Calvin sees footprints in the snow, while he hears his name being called to dinner. Calvin runs the opposite way.

Susie happily builds a snowman. Calvin and Hobbes come rocketing down the hill on their sled. WUMP! The snowman goes down the hill on the sled. Susie, Calvin, and Hobbes are stacked up where the snowman used to be.

Calvin is building a snowman. He tells Hobbes that any dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like him to create art. He says his snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to express deeper truths about the human condition. His sculpture is about grief and suffering. He says one look at the tortured countenance of the figure confirms the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life. He says his work will endure and will inspire future generations. As they stand there, the sun starts to melt the snowman.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is making more snow art, since his snowman melted the day before. Calvin tells him that this time, he's taking advantage of the medium's impermanence. This sculpture is about transience. As the snowman melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. It speaks to the horror of our own mortality. Someone yells that it's too warm to build a snowman, and they laugh at Calvin. Hobbes says there is a philistine on the sidewalk. Calvin says genius is never understood in its own time.

Hobbes asks how Calvin's snow art is coming. Calvin says he's moved into abstraction. His piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, he's free to express himself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. Hobbes notices Calvin's oeuvre is monochromatic. Calvin replies that it's just snow.

Calvin asks Dad if he threw a snowball at someone and deliberately missed, would it be "bad". Dad says that since it would be a little provoking, it would be a little bad. Not as bad as if you hit the person, but more than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Calvin then asks how bad it would be if you just grazed the person, or knocked off his hat and glasses. Dad says that would mean instant death.

Calvin is eating and tells Mom that the pudding was great. He wants to take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes. Mom says he's had enough. Calvin clarifies that he was going to give it to Hobbes. Mom says Hobbes doesn't need any pudding. Mom says tigers need to stay lean and mean. Calvin explains to Hobbes that's what Mom said. Hobbes checks his torso and says he's lean and mean. He tells Calvin to tell Mom the chocolate pudding makes his coat lustrous.

Calvin and Hobbes sit by the fireplace. Suddenly, it gets too warm. They dash away from the fire. They lie down and feel the sizzle as they cool off. Back to the fire they go. Calvin says if there's more to life than this, he doesn't know what it is.

Calvin wants to know why he has to go to school. He asks why he has to learn, why can't he stay the way he is. He wonders why things have to be this way, why can't they be different. As Mom pushes him out the door, she says life is full of mysteries. Calvin realizes that at 7:00 AM, Mom isn't very philosophical.

On the toboggan, Calvin asks if Hobbes is set. Hobbes is carrying a camera. Down the hill they go. Calvin tells Hobbes to get ready. They smash into a rock and fly into the air. Calvin yells "Now", and Hobbes snaps the picture. Coming back up the hill covered with snow, Calvin tells Hobbes it's too bad the camera opened when they landed. That would have been a great picture.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Calvin claims a double-word score. Hobbes complains that "ZQFMGB" isn't a word. Calvin tells him it's a worm found in New Guinea. Hobbes says he's going to look it up. Calvin says if he does, he's going to look up the 12-letter word Hobbes played with all the X's and J's. Hobbes asks Calvin what his score for the word is. Calvin replies "957".

Calvin is watching TV, and Mom tells him he can't watch anymore TV until his homework is finished. Calvin says it's getting done. Hobbes is reading his book for him. Calvin explains that he'll watch TV, Hobbes will tell him what the book was about, then Calvin will tell Hobbes what the TV show was about. They're doing twice as much in the same amount of time. Calvin walks back into the bedroom. He tells Hobbes that Mom said Hobbes should watch the TV and Calvin should read the book. Hobbes says he only likes nature documentaries.

Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin asks why he should give him his money. Moe replies it's for the "Let Calvin Live Through Recess Fund". Calvin digs into his pocket and says that sounds like a worthy cause. After Moe leaves, Calvin says Moe's motto is "Give Before It Hurts".

Calvin wakes up at night and yells for Mom to bring him a glass of water. Mom says it's after midnight and that he should get the drink himself. Calvin replies there are monsters under his bed and that he's scared. Mom says okay. Mom turns on the light to bring the water, and Calvin sees Mom with her hair all messed up and eyes partially closed. He is horrified and yells "AAUGH".

Millions of years ago, the "ultrasaurs" wander the earth. Some weigh over 70 tons. Even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants. A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a stampede. It's a Calvinosaurus. Named after the renowned paleontologist who discovered it, the Calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bite. Calvin, digging a hole, says he never finds anything. Hobbes thinks it looks like he hit the sewer pipe.

Calvin hands Hobbes a deck of cards. He says to throw them into the air, and he'll plug the ace of spades. Hobbes is thrilled to see a shooting trick. Up the cards go. BLAM! BAM! POW! ZING! BLOOIE! BANG! Hobbes grabs the ace of spades and finds six holes in it. Calvin tells Hobbes how he did it. He used a hole puncher ahead of time. Dad, Mom, and a friend are playing cards. Dad decides he'll fold. The friend, holding the ace of spades with six holes in it, asks what's with this deck.

Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. Calvin launches into a long speech about a dream he had. He could flap his arms and was able to fly. He zoomed over the neighborhood. His eyes watered from the wind. He laughed and laughed as he made loops in the sky. Then, Mom woke him up and said he'd miss the bus if he didn't get up. Twenty minutes later, he's standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and he just remembered he forgot his lunch. He tells Hobbes Tuesday's don't start much worse than this.

Calvin puts a pillow on the floor. He puts his head on it, then pulls his body up. He's standing on his head. Calvin stays there a bit, then says somehow he imagined this experience would be more rewarding.

Hobbes is sleeping when Calvin approaches him using baby-talk. He asks if Hobbes is sleepy. Calvin says "hewwo" and calls Hobbes a snoogie-woogie. Hobbes awakens with a start and clomps down on Calvin's head with his mouth. Calvin yells for his bloodthirsty carnivore to let go of him. They fight. Calvin walks off saying he can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular.

Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, but Calvin stops him. Calvin tells Dad that he'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, the bears joining up with the big bad wolf and then eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. He tells Dad to tell him a story like that. Dad asks how Hansel and Gretel should meet their untimely demise. Calvin suggests the witch eats them, then the wolf eats the witch.

Calvin asks Dad if he can take the gas can for the lawn mower to the back yard. Dad says it's 8:00 at night. He asks Calvin what he wants to do that. Calvin tells him he wants to pour the gasoline in big letters on the lawn, then set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over. Dad tells him no, he can't do that. He tells him not to be ridiculous. Dad puts the side of his head on his hand and says he doesn't even want to know what he intended to write.

A meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes is accused of heresy. Calvin explains Hobbes made an undisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of the club. Hobbes wants the record to show Calvin is a nincompoop. Calvin charges him with insubordination. Hobbes, as court stenographer, refuses to enter the verdict. He promotes himself to "El Tigre Numero Uno". Calvin promotes himself. Hobbes writes "Hobbes equals great" in the club notebook. That makes it law. Calvin takes the notebook. Hobbes takes Calvin's Supreme Dictator hat. They fight, then declare a truce. Calvin says this is a great club, but it's too bad they don't have more members. Hobbes says maybe they should allow Susie to join.

At the grocery store, Mom asks if Calvin, er, she means Hobbes, wants any tuna fish. Calvin tells her that Hobbes stopped eating tuna fish, because they kill dolphins to get it. Mom asks what Hobbes likes now. Calvin tells her fresh swordfish steaks, grilled outside. Mom asks about peanut butter.

Mom hands Calvin some clean clothes. She asks him to put them away. Calvin says the underwear and socks aren't pressed. He says she didn't finish ironing. Mom tells him if he wants his underwear ironed, he can do it himself. Calvin angrily asks what kind of mother she is. Calvin says she should take more pride in her work, as he jams the clothes into an overflowing drawer.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree. Calvin says he asked Mom if he was a gifted child. Mom had replied she certainly wouldn't have paid for him. He tells Hobbes he can relate this little story when reporters ask how he went bad.

Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes is reading his comic books. He wants her to stop Hobbes. He says he told Hobbes to get his own comic books, but Hobbes snarled at him. Mom says he should be glad Hobbes is more literate than most stuffed animals. Calvin complains that they're his comics. Mom tells him he should learn to share. She doesn't think Hobbes will hurt them. Calvin throws up his hands in frustration. He tells Mom that Hobbes drew glasses and a mustache on every picture of Nuke-Man last issue...in pen. Mom tells Calvin to go play outside.

Calvin is lying on his bed reading a comic book. Dad asks how his math is coming. Calvin informs him that he doesn't do math anymore. He's more of a "visual" person. Dad tells him to visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Calvin is doing his homework and Hobbes comes over to ask if he's visualizing sums now. Grumpily, Calvin tells him he's visualizing Hobbes in traction.

Calvin tells Hobbes he'll give him 20 questions to guess what's in his hand. Hobbes asks if it's loathsome. Calvin says yes. Hobbes asks if it's a big centipede with poison pinchers. Calvin asks if they really have poison pinchers. Hobbes thinks so. Calvin jumps into Hobbes' arms and says it's a good thing he guessed so fast. Hobbes replies that with Calvin, it's never too difficult.

Hobbes wakes up, stretches, scratches an ear, then lies back down. Calvin says Hobbes has a rough life. He asks what Hobbes has done today. After Calvin walks away, Hobbes thinks "people".

Calvin asks Mom where they keep the extension cords. Mom tells him in the pantry, bottom shelf. Calvin then asks where they keep the blades for Dad's electric saw. Mom asks why he wants to know. Calvin tells her he's making an inventory list so he'll always know where to find things. He walks off saying he gets the feeling there was no right answer to that question.

Mom is looking for Calvin. She checks under his bed and yells for him to come out from where he's hiding and to take a bath. She yells that she means NOW! She sees Calvin and is horrified. He yells for him to get off the rug. Calvin, sitting in the bathtub, is black from head to toe. Calvin tells Hobbes it's not his fault Mom hasn't gotten the chimney swept.

Calvin runs around happily, saying he saw the first robin of spring. He figures he'll get a front-page write up in the paper, a commemorative plaque, and a civic ceremony. He wonders if he should put the money in a trust fund or spend it all at once. Mom gets his attention. Calvin is sitting under a tree with Hobbes. Calvin tells him it's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in. Hobbes tells him to cheer up. He asks if he told Calvin that he saw a robin yesterday.

Calvin tells Hobbes how much he likes his Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He shows Hobbes how brown the milk gets. Calvin points out something on the nutritional label. Hobbes notices the cereal provides 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine. Calvin notices an offer to send for a "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll on the side panel of the box.

Hobbes is lying on the floor, and Calvin starts playing with his toes saying "eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by the toe". Hobbes opens an eye. Calvin continues saying "if he hollers.." as Hobbes starts to rise with an angry look on his face. Calvin walks off all scuffed up saying who writes these dumb things anyway.

Calvin calls the county library looking for information on homemade bombs. Calvin needs a book that lists the needed supplies, and gives instructions for building, rigging, and detonating them. Calvin asks if any of their other branches have books like that. Dejectedly, Calvin hangs up saying people wonder why kids don't read.

Mom tells Calvin he'd better go to bed. Calvin wants to read a little more. Mom says they don't want him to get too smart. Calvin is puzzled. Dad explains that if Calvin were smarter, he might realize...his parents are really bug-eyed aliens from Neptune! They rip their masks off, and Calvin runs away. They grab him, get batter ready, and dunk him. They say there's nothing like a fresh batch of earth boy waffles. Calvin wakes up. He says he wasn't asleep and isn't tired. As Mom and Dad carry Calvin to bed, Mom notices Calvin's face was pushed into Dad's leg so hard, it left corduroy lines.

Calvin runs off the school bus, yelling that he's free. He opens the front door. He stands horrified as he sees what's coming. Climbing out of the trench they just created, Hobbes cheerily tells Calvin that was a good one. He tells Calvin to look how far they landed. Calvin, buried in the dirt, says that a house with a tiger is never a home.

Mom asks Calvin how he could get so dirty at school. Calvin tells her it wasn't from school that he got dirty. He says Hobbes was waiting for him. Mom tells him to take a bath. Calvin protests because it's the middle of the afternoon. As Mom pushes Calvin toward the bathroom, she says she has to take a shower so Dad can take one when he gets home. Calvin wonders if there's some epidemic going around. Mom reminds Calvin that she told him that morning that she and Dad were going out that night. Rosalyn will be watching him tonight. Calvin is horrified.

Calvin yells in anguish throughout the entire strip. Mom tries to explain to Calvin that she knows he doesn't like Rosalyn, but she's the only person they could get. Mom reminds Calvin she wants him on his best behavior. She tells him to do whatever Rosalyn says to, because she doesn't want to hear any horror stories when they return. Mom tells Calvin to take a breath before he passes out on the floor.

In the tub, Calvin asks Hobbes what they're going to do since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes asks if Rosalyn will remember how they locked her outside last time. Calvin says she'll probably put his head on a stake in the front yard as a warning. Hobbes is sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Calvin tells Hobbes that they're in trouble unless they think of something fast. Hobbes suggests they could try being good. Calvin tells Hobbes he must have gotten some water in his ear. He asks Hobbes what he said. Hobbes tells Calvin to forget it.

As Dad leaves, he catches Calvin's attention. Dad drags a finger across his throat, then closes the door. Calvin sits on the floor and says he's going to look at the wall tonight. Rosalyn says she'll tell him when it's bedtime.

Calvin is in a bad mood. Hobbes is lying on the floor in Calvin's path. Calvin tells him to move. He asks if Hobbes thinks he has all day. Hobbes slowly stands up. Calvin says he's coming through. He tries pushing Hobbes out of the way. Calvin says when he says move, he expects Hobbes to jump. He pushes Hobbes, trying to get him to move. Hobbes picks Calvin up. He takes him away. Calvin demands an explanation, then sees the mud hole. Calvin is covered in mud. He yells "See why I'm in such a bad mood".

Calvin tells Hobbes that if they get out of line once, Rosalyn will kill them. Then, when Mom and Dad return, they'll get killed again. Hobbes says that's that. Calvin refuses to admit defeat. He runs into the closet saying things look grim for them, but not for .....Stupendous Man! Champion of liberty, foe of tyranny. Hobbes tells Calvin he's going to get into bed now and avoid the rush.

Stupendous Man streaks across the sky. The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue. Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted. Rosalyn is on the phone with her boyfriend, Charlie. She says she's at the little monster's house again, but that he's been pretty good tonight. Stupendous Man is creeping up behind her.

Rosalyn is telling Charlie that Calvin's parents are so desperate to get out once in a while. Stupendous Man leaps up yelling that freedom and justice shall always prevail over tyranny. He knocks Rosalyn off the chair. Stupendous Man has the strength of a million mortal men. He tells Rosalyn to give up. Rosalyn grabs the phone and tells Charlie she'll have to call him back. She says he wouldn't believe what the cretin is wearing. Stupendous Man has a leglock on Rosalyn and says he fights with heroic resolve.

Rosalyn rolls her sleeves up and asks if Calvin wants to play rough. Stupendous Man thinks she must have super powers, too. Rosalyn tells him he has two seconds to get his caped butt in bed, or she'll put it there for good. Stupendous Man says the evil Amazon is using a psycho-beam to weaken his stupendous will. Rosalyn starts counting. Stupendous Man tries to resist. When Rosalyn says "two", Stupendous Man is off.

Stupendous Man is out the door. Rosalyn yells out that his parents told him to behave. She says they're not going to be happy when they hear about this. Mom and Dad are in the restaurant. Dad says that if they had bought a dog like he wanted, they could go out like this all the time. Mom says they came to relax and should talk about something else.

Rosalyn is outside with a flashlight looking for Calvin. Stupendous Man, in his treehouse, plans his strategy. Calvin goes back inside to his bedroom. He tells Hobbes that he made a stupendous dash when Rosalyn went around the house. He says she still doesn't know where he is.

Spaceman Spiff lands on Planet Gorzarg-5. He sets off across the desolate terrain in search of help. In the distance, methane clouds rain sodium hydroxide, a caustic alkali. The downpour was too heavy for the ground to absorb. A steaming river of corrosive liquid rushes toward our hero. Spiff scrambles to higher ground, but the flood continues to rise. Our hero is trapped. How could things get worse? Calvin is leaning across the bathtub as Mom tells him to just get in.

Hobbes notices Rosalyn going around the house again. She still doesn't know Calvin is inside. Calvin changes from Stupendous Man back into Calvin. Rosalyn has seen the bedroom light and comes inside. Calvin tells Hobbes to get in the covers and pretend they've been reading in bed. Hobbes reminds Calvin that Rosalyn knows he attacked her and ran outside. Calvin says that was Stupendous Man. He's been in bed in his PJ's since 8:00. Hobbes asks if he thinks she's going to believe that. Calvin tells him his covers are here and his pajamas are here. It's as plain as can be.

Rosalyn comes into the room. Calvin tells her he's been there all the time. Rosalyn tells him he snuck outside, took off his costume, and jumped in bed. She says he's going to get it now. Calvin thumbs his hands at Rosalyn asking what she can do since he's already in bed. She grabs Calvin and tells him to get downstairs. Calvin protests, saying he needs his sleep.

Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to explain what happened tonight. He tells her he put on his pajamas at 8:00, brushed his teeth, and went straight to bed. Mom asks about the note Rosalyn left. Calvin says she made him write it up to get him in trouble. He says Rosalyn hates kids. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin "Nice try, Pinocchio". Calvin asks who would've thought Rosalyn would make him write a full confession.

Calvin complains that he can't watch TV for a week. He says they think they've won, but he'll show them. He refuses to learn a lesson. They can't change him. He sits on the floor in front of the TV and says he's going to sit there all week, even though he can't turn it on.

Calvin asks Dad to explain the theory of relativity to him. He can't understand how time goes slower at great speed. Dad says it's because you keep changing time zones. It's like when you fly to California and gain two hours on a five-hour flight. Dad says at the speed of light, you gain more time because it doesn't take as long to get there. Dad says the theory of relativity only works if you're heading west. Calvin tells him that isn't what Mom said at all. She must be off her rocker. Dad says men are better at abstract reasoning. He tells Calvin to tell Mom that.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out to the highway. Calvin wants to put on his roller skates, tie a rope around himself to the car bumper, and skate along behind at 55 mph. Calvin asks again if they can go. Up on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes Hobbes could drive.

Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's noticed decisions make chain reactions. Calvin says each decision they make determines the range of choices they'll face next. Coming to a fork in the road, Calvin chooses to go left. As a result of that decision, they're faced with jumping the ledge or riding along the side of it. If they hadn't turned left at the fork, this new choice would never have come up. Hobbes notes with some dismay, Calvin has chosen to jump the ledge. Hobbes asks if they should bail out or die in the landing. Calvin says that shows their first decision created a chain reaction of decisions. He decides they should jump. Lying in the stream, Calvin says if you don't make each decision carefully, you never know where you'll end up. Hobbes wishes they could talk about these things without the visual aids.

Calvin runs over to the swings. He gets on while saying he almost never gets a swing at recess. No one is telling him to hurry up, as he keeps swinging. Calvin decides this is either his lucky day, or he missed the end-of-recess bell again.

Susie comes over and asks if Calvin signed up to play baseball at recess. She says he must be the only one who didn't. The others are playing in the back fields. Calvin is the only boy on a playground full of girls. Susie says it looks that way. She asks if Calvin wants to teeter-totter with her. Calvin, shocked, says he's in Cootie Central and hasn't had his shots. Susie tells him stupidity produces antibodies. Calvin pulls his shirt over his mouth asking for an air filter.

Calvin is on the teeter-totter with Susie. She asks why he didn't sign up to play baseball. Calvin says he'd just rather run around. He says he hates the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. He says someone is always telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. He figures when he wants that, he'll join the Army and at least get paid.

Moe hassles Calvin about being a sissy for not signing up for baseball. Moe says Calvin would rather play with dolls on the playground. Calvin says he wasn't playing with dolls. Moe wants to see Calvin's Barbie doll. Calvin says he's not a wimp and was on his way to the office to sign up for baseball right now. Standing outside the office door, Calvin wonders why, if he's not a wimp, he's taking the path of least resistance.

Calvin tells Hobbes he signed up to play baseball at recess, even though he doesn't like it that much. Calvin likes playing with Hobbes, because they get to do everything. Hobbes admits he likes the part when they argue over the rules. Calvin figures it will be boring playing the game the way it's supposed to be played. Hobbes asks if Calvin even knows the right way to play. Calvin asks what happens if they make him a halfback. He wonders if he can tackle the shortstop or not.

Dad tells Calvin he heard Calvin signed up to play ball. Calvin admits he only did it to stop getting teased. Dad tells Calvin team sports are good for teaching teamwork and cooperation, winning graciously and accepting defeat. He says it builds character. Calvin says he's regretted every time he's built character. He says he doesn't want to learn teamwork or how to learn about winning or losing. He doesn't even want to compete. He asks what's wrong with having fun by yourself. Dad tells him when you grow up, it's not allowed. Calvin says that's all the more reason he should do it now.

Dad asks what story Calvin wants tonight. He wants a story about Hobbes and him. Dad starts making up a story about them getting up at the crack of dawn, making a huge ruckus, running up and sliding down the stairs. Calvin adds about the Big Bad Dad yelling at them and saying he'd mail them to Pluto third class if they didn't knock it off. Dad continues that Calvin went to rot out his innards with chocolate cereal and rot his brain watching cartoons. Calvin doesn't want editorials. Dad continues that Calvin and Hobbes went outside, and it was nice and quiet in the house for a while. He tells Calvin good night. Calvin complains that's not the end. Dad gives Calvin a kiss and says he's right. That isn't the end of the story. The story doesn't have an end. He and Hobbes will write more of it tomorrow and every day after. But for now, it's time to sleep. Calvin says that was a good story. Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a good night.

Dad offers to help Calvin practice baseball before dinner. Calvin goes out to get ready to field a ground ball. He complains that he should just move. Dad gets ready to hit the ball and tells Calvin not to wait on the ball. He needs to run up to the ball. Dad leans over Calvin, lying on the ground. Dad says the ball sometimes bounces up like that, and he has to be ready for that. Calvin, speaking through a clogged nose, tells Dad thanks for the tip. He tells Dad to find his nose and put it on ice so they can sew it back on.

Mom asks why they're coming back inside. Dad tells her a ground ball bounced up and hit Calvin in the nose. Calvin, still talking through a clogged nose, says his own Dad tried to kill him. His nose is bleeding. Mom tells him to hold his head back and use some tissues. Calvin says he's not playing baseball again. Dad says they can forget about having a millionaire baseball player supporting them in their old age. Calvin holds the tissues to his nose saying all his character is dripping out his nose.

Calvin tells Hobbes his nose stopped bleeding, so he'll have to go to school tomorrow. Calvin says his life's a disaster. He says he gets hurt learning the skills to play a game he doesn't want to. Hobbes asks if Calvin's nose is clogged, and Calvin says yes. Hobbes says if Calvin snores, he's going to tilt the bed so Calvin rolls out the window. Calvin is glad he has a sympathetic friend to talk to.

Susie notices Calvin has a baseball glove. She asks if he signed up for recess baseball. Calvin tells her she's lucky girls don't have to put up with that nonsense. He says if a girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine. If a guy doesn't want to chase some stupid ball, he's called a wimp. He says girls have it easy. Susie replies boys aren't expected to live their lives twenty pounds underweight.

Calvin reports to the coach. The coach sends him to deep left field. Calvin isn't sure where that is, so the coach points it out to him. Calvin goes so far he's in tall grass. He figures that is pretty deep.

In the tall grass, Calvin complains that baseball is the most boring game in the world. He's been standing out there all this time, and not a single ball has come out to him. Then, he figures that's alright, because he doesn't know which base to throw it to. Calvin notices the teams exchanging positions. The guys at bat are now out in the field. Calvin is sure someone would tell him if he was supposed to be doing something different.

Calvin returns home and remembers how Hobbes pounces on him. He gets an idea to make a broomstick Calvin to fool Hobbes. He sets the stick Calvin on the porch and calls "I'm home". Hobbes opens the door, grabs the fake Calvin, then asks if he can read Calvin's comic books. Calvin ties to open the door, but it's locked. He hears Hobbes ask to draw mustaches on all the superheroes. Calvin sits on the front porch saying he'll get him for this if it takes his whole life.

Spaceman Spiff is marooned on the most distant planet in the galaxy. There's no hope of rescue from this bleak world. Spiff tries to repair his disabled spacecraft. CRACK! There's a fly ball to left field. Calvin says there is a commotion on the horizon. Aliens! Calvin says Spiff grabs his blaster.

Shouts go out to the left fielder. Calvin realizes that's him. He runs up under the fly ball and makes the catch. It's an out! Calvin proudly brings the ball in saying he's a natural athlete. One of the kids asks who he is. Another one thinks Calvin is on the other team.

The batter notices Calvin was the one who caught it. Calvin walks up saying you can do that stuff when you're in top physical condition like he is. They explain to Calvin that it's a new inning, and his team is at bat. The batter complains Calvin got one of his own team out. He calls him a dweeb, a jerk, an idiot. Calvin tries to drop the ball then. His teammates want to coach to get him off the team. The batter wants to hit Calvin with the bat.

Calvin's teammates continue to berate him. They say he should be on the other team if he's going to get them out. They say he doesn't know how to play. Calvin protests that it's a game and is supposed to be fun. One of the team says it's only fun if you win. They say he's dead meat if he screws up again. They ask if Calvin's grandmother taught him to play. Calvin walks up to the coach and says he doesn't want to play anymore. There's too much team spirit. The coach says "OK, quitter! Goodbye".

Up in the tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't understand. When he didn't play, the other kids teased him. When he did play, the other kids teased him. Then the coach called him a quitter when he stopped playing. Calvin says unless you're a star, you can't please anyone. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just please himself. Calvin replies that Mom won't let him move to Madagascar.

Hobbes says it's Saturday and wants to know what Calvin wants to do. Calvin says anything but an organized sport. Hobbes asks if he wants to play Calvinball. Hobbes says no sport is less organized than Calvinball. Calvin calls a new rule. If you don't touch the 30 yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot.

Calvin looks at his food and pokes it. It grabs a knife, and they fight. Calvin knocks the knife away. The food garbs a spoon, scoops itself and hits Calvin with it. SPLAT! Calvin runs away. Mom puts her hand on her head in frustration, while Calvin says not to blame him. He was the one who said they should call for a pizza.

Calvin is in front of the class for "show and tell". He has a souvenir from the afterlife. He says it's as amazing as his story of yesterday afternoon, when he actually died of boredom. He says he was doing his homework when he collapsed. He felt himself rising and saw his crumpled body on the floor. He drifted up in a shaft of light and entered the next world. Eventually, his heart started again, and he came back to life. But he didn't come back before bringing his souvenir. He pulls out a yo-yo. He tells Miss Wormwood it was pretty boring there, also. She wants to look at his homework.

Calvin is watching a nature show on TV. The show talks about the mother bird, having eaten her fill, returning to the nest to regurgitate the worms to feed her hungry brood. Calvin is startled. At the dinner table, he looks at the plate of food Mom gives him with distrust.

Calvin is sitting at his desk. His head droops forward as he fights sleep. The teacher yells for him to pay attention. He lifts his head up. He says there's no head rest on his chair. He should sue for whiplash.

Calvin asks Mom if she felt anything funny when she got dressed that morning. She asks what he means. He explains something tickly or scratchy. Something like a bite or sting. She asks what he has behind his back. Calvin hands her a flyswatter and bug spray, saying she might want those. He runs off. Dad sees Mom changing her clothes and comments on women always doing that. Mom says that after she gets that kid, he's next.

Calvin says this time, he's really going to learn how to ride his bicycle. He says balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two feet. Just as he says that, he trips. He tumbles forward, his shoe flying off. As he gets up, he says that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.

Sitting at his table doing homework, Calvin says he doesn't want to do it. He wants to have fun. He runs off, and is sitting in his wagon with Hobbes when Mom comes out and stands over them. Back at his table, Calvin complains that too much stress is unhealthy. Hobbes, slumped beside him, says he doesn't see why he had to come in.

Calvin dreams he is flying when his alarm clock goes off. Mom has Calvin get out of bed. He stands in the rain waiting for the school bus. He's bored at school while a duck quacks outside. He doesn't like his lunch. Moe extorts money from him. He gets an "F" on a paper. He walks home in the rain. Hobbes pounces on him and hugs him. Mom, picking up his wet clothes, asks if Calvin had a good day. Calvin, carrying Hobbes, says it's getting better.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's come up with a new system for doing homework. He calls it "Effective Time Management", or "ETM" for short. He's drawn up a schedule of each school subject. He uses a kitchen timer to monitor his pace. Calvin says that thanks to ETM, he's much more efficient. The timer rings. Calvin says his math minute is up. He tells Hobbes to set the timer for his spelling assignment. Hobbes says his schedule calls for smaller time increments than the timer can measure.

Armed with a flyswatter, Calvin chases a fly in the house. He swats it in mid-air, then picks it up. Mom tells him she will not take a picture of him holding his kill.

Dad is reading in his chair when Calvin walks up to him. Calvin waves his arms and says "KA ZAM!" Dad turns into a giant, alien bug. Calvin walks away while Dad asks what that was about.

Mom is filling the shopping cart with groceries. She carries the three bags of food. She has pots and pans all over the kitchen preparing dinner. She serves a plate to Calvin, who says it looks like compost. Later, sitting at the table alone with his food, Calvin says Mom doesn't appreciate him.

Calvin is reading a book and asks Hobbes what a "Paper Tiger" is. Hobbes explains that it's a tiger with a newspaper route. Calvin continues to read, but says this book makes no sense at all.

Calvin asks Dad if he'd pay him a dollar to eat a bug. Dad says he'd have to eat a whole bucket of bugs before he'd pay him a dollar. Dad adds that Calvin could pick up sticks in the back yard for a dollar, if he'd prefer. Calvin, while picking up sticks, laments that his real skills are undervalued.

Spaceman Spiff zooms to the surface of Ahnooie-4. He sets off to search for sentient life. Spiff only discovers a hideous blob so stupid it just stares completely straight ahead, unaware of anything around it. Our hero decides to put the blob out of its misery. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that Calvin's shooting spit balls. Perplexed by the blob's resilience, Spiff adds more juice and prepares to fire again. A giant creature comes up behind him.

On Planet Zark, Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft sits empty. The rocks are charred with death ray blasts. A struggle has taken place. Only the tracks of a sinister alien leave the scene. What has happened to Spiff? Mom is pushing Calvin into the school bus. She tells him this is humiliating. Calvin doesn't want to go.

Calvin sits at his desk with teeth gritted. He says Spiff is being held prisoner by hideous aliens. He wonders what they want with him. Spiff is called before the alien potentate. It becomes clear Spiff is going to be sacrificed....to appease the evil god they call "Nollij". Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to go to the blackboard.

Calvin, looking at the math problem on the board, says our hero thinks fast. He slowly reaches for the tiny atom blaster concealed in his belt. He turns and tells the bloodsucking, mutant chromosomal disasters that he's out of there. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to give her the rubber band right this minute.

Spiff escapes. The smelly corridors of the fortress are deserted. All the aliens had gathered for the spectacle of our hero's demise. The space explorer makes it to the planet surface, but the alien queen is in pursuit. Miss Wormwood yells for Calvin to come back to the room. Spiff jumps into his spacecraft and blasts off. He's safe!

Mom is surprised to see Calvin at home. It's not even noon yet. Calvin tells her they were let out early due to a gas leak. Mom wonders if the school knows he left. She says she's going to call the school. Calvin tells her no one is there. Everyone was evacuated. Mom calls anyway. Spiff hadn't counted on running into a Zark enforcer ship. Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught.

Calvin tells Hobbes that he got in trouble when Mom found out he had just left school. She drove him back, and they had a talk with his teacher and the principal. They discussed his study habits, and now he has extra homework. Dad's going to check it every night to make sure it's right. He hands the book to Hobbes and tells him to do an extra good job. Hobbes tells him he's lucky tigers are so smart.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing Calvinball. Calvin sneaks out from behind a tree and steals Hobbes' flag. Hobbes hits him with the Calvin ball. He has to sing the "I'm very sorry" song. Calvin protests he was in the "no song" zone. Hobbes corrects him, as he had touched the "opposite pole", so now the "no song zone" is a "song zone". Calvin complains that Hobbes didn't declare it. Hobbes says he declared it oppositely by not declaring it. Calvin starts singing, and Hobbes joins in. When they're finished, Calvin says he gets free passage to wicket five. Hobbes tells him they did that last time. Calvin makes up a new rule to jump until someone finds the bonus box. As they jump away, Calvin says the only permanent rule in Calvinball is that you can't play it the same way twice. Hobbes says the score is "Q to 12".

Calvin stands in front of the class and asks if UFO's are real. He holds up pictures while asking if the amateur photographer got pictures of a sinister alien spaceship and the grim results of a close encounter. Or are they an elaborate hoax? He implores the class to listen to the space alien expert speculate on their hideous biology and their horrifying weaponry. All this and more on Calvin's show and tell coming up next. Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to come over to her.

Hobbes is lying on the floor, sleeping. Calvin comes up and says "Twitching tufted tail, a toasty, tawny tummy: a tired tiger". He takes a bow for him alliterative haiku. Hobbes thinks "sheesh".

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's heard people say modern art is something "my six-year-old kid could do that". Calvin has decided to be a forger and get rich passing off fake paintings to museums. Since a lot of paintings sell for tens of millions of dollars, he'll make a pretty good hourly rate. Hobbes tells him he should probably scratch out the copyright date on the cartoon stationery. Calvin is glad Hobbes caught that.

Dad starts reading a bedtime story. Calvin asks if the story has any shoot-ups in it. Dad says no. Calvin asks if it has any violence at all. Dad says of course not. Calvin asks Dad why he thinks Calvin will like the story.

Calvin asks Mom if she wants to see something neat. With his can of soda, he can burp for almost ten seconds straight. Mom doesn't think so. Calvin adds that at the same time, he'll recite a gross limerick he heard at school. Later, Hobbes wonders if it would have mattered if he recited the Gettysburg Address. Calvin says his talents are wasted on her kind.

Calvin walks toward Dad rubbing his eyes and yawning. Dad tells him he's missed the best part of the day. Dad says he's been up since 6:30, and he's gotten many things accomplished. Calvin walks off saying when he has a day off, he can tell the difference. Dad says he just knows some nurse switched the bassinets.

Susie knocks on Calvin's door. Stupendous Man answers. Susie asks what he is doing. Calvin tells her he was just about to use his stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry. He says duty calls, so he slams the door on Susie. A bolt of crimson streaks across the sky. He's off to save the day. Susie returns home. Her mom asks if they had an egg she could borrow. Susie says no one was home.

Calvin runs in and turns on the television. He sits on the floor and tells the TV to "pander to me".

Dad sees Calvin playing a record, so he decides to tell Calvin something interesting. He shows the point on the label and a point on the outer edge of the record. They make a circle at the same time. Dad says the point on the outside of the record has to travel faster because it makes a bigger circle. Two points on the same disk, moving at different speeds, even though they make the same revolutions per minute. Calvin lies awake in his bed at night, eyes wide open, trying to understand it.

Calvin starts a race between him and Hobbes. They slowly move. Calvin moves ahead. Hobbes tells him that he's going so slow, he's going backward. He says he's winning. Calvin tells him he's cheating.

Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad asks if it's important. Calvin tells him to forget he called him "Dad". He says it's not Calvin. Dad tells him he has work to do and that he'll see him when he gets home. Calvin asks if he has any crimes to report. Standing in his Stupendous Man costume, Calvin says this secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.

Calvin shows Hobbes he has a baby tooth that's hanging on by a thread. Hobbes cringes. Calvin tells Mom that he can turn it all the way around with his tongue. Mom covers her mouth with her hands. Calvin shows Dad he can move the tooth from side to side. Dad covers his eyes and sticks his tongue out. Calvin looks in a mirror and says they're all just jealous.

At the dinner table, Calvin says "Look" and points to the side. When Mom looks over, Calvin dumps his dinner onto Mom's plate. Mom says she didn't see anything. Calvin tells her she missed it, and he's done eating. Dad looks over and asks what Calvin saw. Mom looks at her heaping plate and says "an opportunity".

Calvin readies his sled for a trip down the hill. He tells Hobbes life is like topography. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure. He's dedicating himself to only experiencing peaks. He wants his life to be one never ending ascension. Each minute should bring greater joy than the previous minute. As they sail off the hill, Calvin is saying he's going to jump from peak to peak. Tumbling down, Hobbes says with flat places, you don't have so far to go down. Calvin says only losers go down. He's only going up and up.

Calvin tells Mom he doesn't feel so good. Mom agrees that he doesn't look good. She feels his forehead. Calvin says summer vacation started, and he can't be sick. Mom tells him she's going to get the thermometer. Calvin yells out that he refuses and that he hates thermometers. Mom puts one in his mouth. Calvin doesn't believe her when she says it takes two hours to register. Mom tells him to be nice and quiet, and she'll check on him in the afternoon.

Calvin is scratching himself. He says it's worse than bug bites. As he keeps scratching, he says whatever it is drives him crazy. He pulls off his shirt and sees spots. Calvin thinks that's cool.

The doctor tells Mom that Calvin has chicken pox. Calvin asks if he's a veterinarian. The doctor says it will run its course in about a week. Calvin complains that the doctor is mad. He accuses him of having the real doctor tied up and gagged in the other exam room. The doctor says Calvin is extremely contagious, so he needs to be kept from other kids. Calvin wants Mom to sue him and drive up his malpractice insurance. Horrified, Mom repeats that Calvin has to be inside for a week. The doctor notices a nasty twitch Mom has developed. Calvin offers, for ten dollars, to make sure the doctor sees all the kids in the waiting room again real soon.

Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He asks her if she'd like to come over and play. Susie says he's never invited her before. In the background, Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. He tells her to go away. Mom says he's contagious and can't have anyone over to play. Calvin says she's spoiling the whole thing. He was trying to trick Susie into catching his bug. The phone hangs up. Susie calls to her Dad to see if there's any chance of him transferring.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox. Calvin says yes. Hobbes isn't so sure, so he shows his claws to Calvin. Calvin wakes Mom up to ask if she's absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox.

Calvin shows Mom his chicken pox are going away. He tells Mom to remember that this week doesn't count. Mom asks what he means. He says summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. So he gets to go to school a week later to get his full allotment of vacation. Calvin and Hobbes are looking at a book. Calvin asks what the next amendments says. He knows it's in there someplace.

Everything has turned neo-cubist. It started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a debate. Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue. Then Calvin began to see both sides of everything. The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned. Perspective has been fractured. The multiple views provide too much information. Calvin tries to eliminate all but one perspective. It works! The world falls into a recognizable order. He walks up to Dad and tells him he's still wrong.

At the dinner table, Calvin asks to be excused to watch a TV program. Mom says they're still eating. Calvin says he's finished. He says the stuff was awful, and he wants to watch television. Mom explains that it's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. Calvin asks if he's just supposed to sit there and watch them chew. Mom tells him his television show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. Calvin offers a compromise of watching a sitcom family. Angrily, Dad says that in a minute, Calvin's going to discover the difference between those and real life.

Calvin says his TV show is starting. Dad is sure Calvin's instinct for survival will kick in soon. Calvin wants to know what the big deal is about dinner. He says lots of people watch TV while they eat. Dad tells him that dinner is the one meal a day they set aside to be together and talk. He says there's more to being a family than just being in the same house. They need to interact once in a while. Calvin says they could argue about what channel to watch.

Grumpily, Calvin says he's missed half his show. He hopes Mom and Dad are happy. Dad says he shouldn't be planning his life around the TV anyway. Dad says he doesn't think it's too much to ask that they sit together 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. The phone rings, and Mom goes to get it. She says she's expecting a call. Calvin tells Dad to go ahead. He thinks Dad was saying something funny. Dad says he has all these great genes, but they're all recessive. That's the problem here.

Calvin tells Hobbes they have to play outside. He says Dad won't let him watch TV. Dad says since it's summer, he should play outside and run around, instead of sitting in front of a tube. Calvin calls Dad a dictator. Hobbes says it's cruel to be forced to play. As Calvin climbs on his swing, he says he'll show him. He refuses to have fun.

Calvin and Hobbes are going to race to a tree. Hobbes says this one will determine the championship of the universe. Calvin asks how long they've been outside. Hobbes tells him an hour. Calvin races off saying where does the time go. He goes over to the window and tells Dad he's not having any fun.

Dad says it's getting dark, and he calls Calvin inside. Calvin was catching fire flies, and he wants to stay out longer. Dad says first Calvin didn't want to go out, now he doesn't want to come in. Dad tells him that by not watching TV, he had more fun and will have memories of something real he did instead of something fake that he watched. In bed, Calvin says nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.

Calvin and Hobbes are tumbling, drawing pictures, chasing a frog, in their treehouse, playing baseball, reading comic books, swinging, playing treasure hunt, and playing in the sandbox. Mom asks Calvin to empty a bag into the garage trash can. Calvin complains some vacation this summer is.

Calvin is in a box and tells Hobbes to hop in, they're going to get rich. Hobbes wants no part of it. He doesn't want to be transmogrified, duplicated, or whatever. Calvin reminds him that when the top is open, it's a time machine. Hobbes says that's even worse. Calvin chides him for being such a baby. He says the way Hobbes acts, the dinosaur actually got them last time. He says it wasn't even a carnivore. Hobbes doesn't care. He says Calvin and that box are plain bad news.

Calvin says it's too bad Hobbes isn't going back to the Jurassic period with him. Calvin says they're going on a photo safari. Hobbes says he can drop the "we" stuff. Calvin says he'll have to eat all these great snacks himself. Hobbes asks what kind of snacks and how many.

Hobbes figures if they're good snacks, it's okay to time travel. Calvin sets the dial for 140 million years ago, and off they go. Hobbes asks why they don't get younger as they travel back through time and disappear as they pass the day they're born. Calvin says he'd explain it, but there's a lot of math. Hobbes says he thought Calvin got a "D" in math.

Hobbes asks if it's time for snacks. Calvin explains they're traveling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse. He says to wait until they land. Hobbes offers to inventory the snacks. Calvin says he could help him drive. He's worried that if they miss their exit, they could fly into the big bang. He says there would be no universe, and probably no time. Hobbes thinks they should eat the snacks now.

They see a diplodocus. They're in the Jurassic. Hobbes can't believe Calvin wanted to come back. Calvin said last time, they forgot the camera. He figures they only need a few dinosaur photos, and they'll get rich when they get home. Hobbes thinks if they get in National Geographic, he can meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue. Calvin asks if they were females. He doesn't know how Hobbes can tell the difference.

They have a chance for pictures of stegosaurs. Calvin says these pictures will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior. Paleontologists will pay through the nose for these pictures. Hobbes points behind him to take the picture of the dinosaur that's smiling. It's a allosaurus! Calvin is busy looking the other way for his photo.

Calvin suggests a game of tossing a water balloon back and forth. Each time they catch it, they take a step back. Calvin throws the balloon to Hobbes. Calvin catches the return toss. He steps back and hits Hobbes with the balloon. He starts laughing at Hobbes, who stands there drenched. Hobbes picks Calvin up. He asks if Hobbes can't take a joke. He says he didn't do it on purpose. Hobbes dunks Calvin in the rain barrel. As he climbs out, Calvin says it's no fun to play games with a poor sport.

Hobbes asks what that ugly brute is called. Calvin is horrified when he sees it's an allosaur. Hobbes tells him he doesn't need to yell. He's standing right there. Calvin tells Hobbes to run. As they run, Calvin tells Hobbes that when they get to the time machine, throw the snacks they packed. It might divert him while they take off. Hobbes says Calvin can throw his snacks, but Hobbes might still want his. Calvin yells that he's going to be a snack himself. He yells to get in.

Calvin tells Hobbes to throw some food. Hobbes doesn't want to throw his sandwich. Hobbes finds a mushy banana that he throws to the dinosaur. Calvin says it was a close call, but it will be worth it when they develop their pictures. Hobbes asks if he can eat Calvin's sandwich, since he rescued it.

Calvin runs up to Mom and asks if she knows where he and Hobbes have been. She says she saw him playing in a cardboard box out back. Calvin says that's what it looked like, but they really time-traveled to the Jurassic period and returned at the split second they left. That's why it didn't look like they left. He says they saw lots of dinosaurs. He asks if Mom will take some film to be developed. He'll pay her back when Time magazine coughs up for his story.

Calvin has the pictures from the Jurassic trip. The pictures came out great. Calvin says they can get their own apartment now. Calvin says he'll also buy a car, but since he can't drive for another decade, he'll get a chauffeur. Hobbes says that if they pay him, he'll have to let them sit up front and beep the horn.

Calvin tells Dad it's too bad he wasn't nicer to him all these years. He explains that he's not inclined to share his future millions with Dad. He shows him the pictures he took. Dad comments that he didn't realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. Calvin wants to know what Dad is insinuating.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad doesn't believe they went to the Jurassic period and took photographs of real dinosaurs. Calvin continues that Dad thinks they took toy dinosaurs and took pictures of those. Dad told Calvin that if he really wanted to make money, Dad would pay a dollar for Calvin to pull weeds out of the front walk. Calvin told him he didn't want the money that bad.

A quetzalcoatlus swoops over the tyrannosaurus. The tyrannosaur lunges and brings down the flying pest. The commotion draws other tyrannosaurs, greedy for an undeserved piece. Mom asks Calvin for a piece of chicken at the picnic table. Calvin whisks the plate away, saying it's all his. Driven away by the roaring and gnashing of the intruders, the tyrannosaur nurses a deep grudge. Revenge will soon be his.

Calvin asks Mom what parts of people they would eat if they were cannibals. Calvin wants to know where the steaks would be, if legs would be like drumsticks, and if kids would be like veal. Mom scoots him away telling him to be disgusting somewhere else. Calvin grumbles that some people just don't have inquisitive minds.

Riding down the hill in the sled, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ever noticed that the older people get, the slower they do things. Calvin wonders why that is. He figures that the less life you have left, you'd want to do everything faster so you could pack more in the remaining years. He tells Hobbes that when he's a geezer like Dad, he'll be going like a maniac.

Calvin is standing backward on the top of a ladder, his back to his wading pool. Hobbes is standing next to the pool yelling up at Calvin. He tells Calvin he better hurry, Mom's yelling something.

Calvin warily approaches his bike. He says "easy now". He gets closer and says "steady boy....nice bike". Suddenly, the bike rears up and startles Calvin. Calvin peeks at the bike from behind a tree.

Calvin comes into the house all scarred and dirty. Dad asks what happened to him. Calvin tells him the bicycle tried to kill him. Dad asks if he fell off. Calvin says it took 40 minutes to subdue it to the point he could climb on, then it bucked him over the handlebars. Dad asks if he fell off. Calvin tells him it then tried to run him over. He says he's lucky to be alive. Dad tells him balancing takes a little practice. Calvin asks Dad if he has a rifle and if he'll shoot the bike.

Calvin peeks out the door. After he's outside, the bike peeks around the corner at him. The bike chases him down the street. Looking at Calvin lying on the ground, Dad says maybe they should get his inner ear checked.

Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk. He tears off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper. At his size, folding the sheet is difficult, but Calvin's patience is rewarded. He makes a paper airplane, pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk. A gust from an open window sends Calvin across the house. Calvin leans to steer. He runs the paper plane into Dad. Sitting under a tree outside, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't need parents. All he needs is a recording that says "go play outside".

Susie sees Calvin behind the tree. Calvin tells her to be quiet and asks if she's seen his bicycle. Calvin whispers to Susie that if his bike doesn't get him first, he's going to cut its spokes. He says she never saw him today. After Calvin leaves, Susie says her class voted Calvin "Most likely to be seen on the news some day".

Calvin walks up to his bike asking if it would like some oil. Calvin jumps at the bike, saying it's going to the scrap heap. The two struggle. Mom is cleaning Calvin, who's all scarred and dirty. Dad says he never got his face caught in the chain when he was learning to ride a bike. Mom asks Calvin what really happened. Calvin insists he already told her.

In bed, Calvin says he hates his stupid bike. He's never going to ride one as long as he lives. He hears a creak. His bicycle comes out of his bedroom closet. Calvin shouts that the bike has been lying in wait and is coming to get him. He yells for help. Mom comes to his room and holds Calvin close. Calvin tells her that he told her it's trying to kill him. She says it was just a dream, but she asks why he brought his bike upstairs to his closet.

Mom asks Calvin to take a garbage bag to the garage. He asks if she's mad. He says that's where his killer bicycle is. He says it will jump him. Mom doesn't want any nonsense and sends him to take the garbage. In the garage, the bicycle is growling at Calvin. Calvin, back pressed against the wall, wonders how far from home his savings will get him.

Calvin whispers down to Hobbes from a tree branch. Calvin tells him he's hiding from his killer bicycle. He says it can't climb trees, so he'll have to stay there the rest of his life. Hobbes tells him to wedge a big stick through the spokes of the front wheel. He explains when the stick hits the fork, the wheel will jam and the bike will flip over. Calvin comes down calling Hobbes a lifesaver. Hobbes suggests they could mosey over to the kitchen if Calvin wonders how he could possibly thank him enough.

Calvin runs up to Hobbes telling him he put the stick in the bicycle's spokes. Calvin says when it tried to chase him, it flipped over. Calvin says he then wrestled it to exhaustion and let the air out of its tires. He says that nasty ol' thing won't be coming after him anymore. He says they're too smart for it. Mom notices Dad putting training wheels on Calvin's bicycle. Dad says he pumped up the tires. They were both flat.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin hits it and runs the bases. Hobbes casually retrieves the ball as Calvin passes eleventh base. Hobbes walks with the ball. Calvin's going for home after touching twenty-fifth base. Hobbes tags Calvin out. Calvin, exhausted, thinks they need to change the rules.

At the table, Calvin and Hobbes call for a toast to them. Best friends forever. They both start munching their slices of toast.

Calvin walks up to Dad and says he supposes Dad wants to know how he's doing in the polls. Dad doesn't. Calvin shows him a chart indicating the "Average Dad Approval Rating" being 70%. He shows Dad's rating at just under 10%. Calvin continues showing charts that indicate Dad's rating would improve with every hour added to bedtime. By midnight, Dad would be up to normal. Calvin concludes by saying these findings suggest a logical course of action. Dad wonders how much time Calvin spends making those charts.

Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin comes up and says a poem. It talks about his tiger running around nude. His fur coat lies on the floor. Is this a permanent change, or were the colors passe? Will he want it back, or should he use it for a rug? Calvin walks away, and Hobbes wonders when school starts.

Calvin laments people don't understand him. He says he's a card-carrying genius. He shows Hobbes his card, which reads "Calvin, certified genius". Hobbes is impressed that he has a certificate. Calvin admits that he doesn't, but says people don't check those things. He just says it's at the frame shop. Hobbes admits that's pretty smart. Calvin reminds him he's a genius. Hobbes looks at the card and wonders if Calvin embossed the card with a screwdriver.

Calvin opens the vacuum cleaner and removes the dirt bag. He cuts it open, and dirt pours out on the floor. Mom yells at him. Sitting on the porch step, Calvin wonders how he's supposed to learn surgery if he can't dissect anything.

Calvin tells Hobbes that ants run everywhere. It's like they think they have to be somewhere on time. Calvin shows the ants never walking, but always going top speed. He says that's silly. Calvin tells Hobbes to come around back, he wants to show him something else. Off they run.

Dad gets the morning paper and notes that he always rushes off and never takes time to enjoy days like this. He has his coffee and says he'd like to have a quiet day around the house. He could read a book, go on a bike ride, spend time with Calvin. He thinks about taking the day off. Calvin runs by. Mom runs by, head covered with shampoo. She yells for Calvin to get back there and pick up every dead bug he put in her shampoo. Dad watches all this. Later, he is sitting at his desk whistling.

Great thunder clouds pile high into the sky. There's a blinding flash of light. It's Calvin the lightning bolt. The bolt heads toward the house. In a fraction of a second, the house will be in a million pieces. Mom picks Calvin up. He drops his saw as Mom tells him that she knows it's raining, but that he should play a board game or something.

Calvin hops out of bed saying every day is the same old thing. He takes his pajama top off and says "but not today". He walks out the door naked as Mom chases him down. In his room, he puts on his clothes saying everybody's a slave to routine.

Calvin asks Mom if he can get contact lenses. Mom tells him his eyes are fine, and that he doesn't need them. Calvin tells her they have some that change the color of your eyes. Mom says his eyes are pretty the way they are. Calvin tells her with contacts, he could make one eye red and the other yellow striped like a bug. Sitting on a log with Hobbes, Calvin says it seems once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

Mom and Dad sleepily open Calvin's bedroom door. He is sitting in bed with a pair of drums and a horn. He asks them if he has to have a reason for everything.

Sitting by the creek, taking his shoes off, Calvin tells Hobbes that when it's that hot, he doesn't want to do anything at all. As they sit in the water in the shady woods, he says that fortunately, that was their plan from the start.

In his underwear, Calvin walks up to Susie and says that he's Tarzan, king of the jungle. Susie asks if Calvin's Mom knows he's over there in his underpants. Calvin dejectedly walks off saying he doesn't think Jane ever said that to Tarzan.

With an evil grin, Calvin fills a water balloon. He waits behind a tree. Hobbes comes down from the tree, taps Calvin on the head, and asks Calvin if he's looking for someone. Calvin says yes, but for someone else, not for Hobbes. Hobbes gives him a theoretical question. If Calvin knew today was his last day on earth, what would he do different? He gets in Calvin's face and adds especially if, by doing something different, today might not be his last day on earth. Calvin looks at the water balloon. He walks off saying he doesn't think that question was very rhetorical at all.

Hobbes asks if Calvin gets hot wearing long pants in the summer. He asks why Calvin doesn't wear short pants. Calvin fumes. Hobbes asks what he said. Calvin angrily tells him that short pants touch his feet.

Mom is standing on the top of the ladder grabbing Calvin, who's standing on the roof. He has a bungee cord around his waist. He tells Mom she's acting like he isn't even wearing a bungee cord.

Hobbes hits the ball. Calvin runs up to make the catch, but the ball hits him on the head. He falls down, but the ball lands in his glove. Hobbes says they're both out.

Dad is cooking on the grill. Calvin comes up and says cooked-out hamburgers may be charred on the outside, raw on the inside, but they have that special outdoor flavor...of lighter fluid. Calvin asks when they eat. From his bed, he yells "Whaddaya mean tomorrow".

Riding down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he likes toys that make a lot of racket. He complains the problem with the wagon is that it doesn't make much noise. They sail off the edge of the hill, yelling. As they roughly land, Calvin says that fortunately, they do.

Calvin is sitting on the floor, reading a comic book. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces down right in front of Calvin, startling him. Hobbes says "oops". As Hobbes walks off, Calvin says he just does that to show that he could have snuffed him.

Calvin tells Mom he's bored. Mom points out it's a beautiful summer day. She says he has all outdoors to pay in. She tells him to use some imagination. Calvin walks off, scratches his head, then gets an idea. He grabs a pail, goes to the pond to fill the pail with water, then douses Mom with the water. Calvin, sitting on his bed, says his upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.

Calvin asks Dad if he supports the free expression of ideas in their society. Dad says he does, and says that's the first thing in the Bill of Rights. Calvin clarifies that Dad would be against censorship and the suppression of ideas he found distasteful. Dad agrees, saying you have to take that bad with the good. Calvin then says Dad wouldn't object to Calvin being exposed to art, movies, or music that some people think is offensive and shocking. Dad starts to explain about their responsibility to be culturally educated and able to make critical distinctions. Calvin accuses Dad of stalling.

Calvin is rubbing Hobbes' tummy as he sleeps. Calvin stops rubbing. Hobbes bares his fangs and growls at Calvin, startling him. Calvin, frowning, rubs Hobbes' tummy some more.

Mom and Dad are talking at the table. Mom says she sometimes feels their life has gotten too complicated, they've accumulated more than they need, they've accepted too many demands. Dad quotes Thoreau saying "simplify, simplify". He suggests maybe they need to do that. Mom asks how. Calvin walks by, and Mom and Dad look at him. Calvin says he hates it when they look at him that way.

Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad says unless it's very important, hang up. He's very busy. Calvin hangs up. At home, Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the edge of the kitchen sink. Water is pouring over the edge of the sink onto the floor. The water is a couple feet deep on the floor already. Calvin says this should qualify in another 15 minutes.

Mom tells Calvin she asked him to clean his room. Calvin says he did. Mom says if he did, it wasn't a good job. The room looks as messy as it did before. She tells him he should take pride in what he does. Calvin, standing in his messy bedroom, says he doesn't need to do a better job. He needs better P.R. on the job he does.

Calvin has a bat and flips the ball into the air to hit it. He has to run to chase the ball, then misses it when it comes down. Dad stands with a glove on saying he wouldn't worry about this if Calvin was a better student.

Calvin walks past a bush, and his bicycle leaps out and attacks him. He gets a rope and lassoes the bike. The bicycle drags him along the ground. Calvin wrestles with the bike. Dad comes by later, sees the bike tied to a tree with rope, and laments that you buy the kid a good, expensive lock, and look.

Calvin calls a meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order. President and First Tiger Hobbes gives an attendance report. Club Secretary General Hobbes gives the minutes. Calvin then calls for a field report from Top Scout Calvin. Hobbes says you can tell this is a great club because they have so many officers.

Top Scout Calvin reports the enemy has been sighted on the sidewalk two doors down. It's Susie Derkins, an acknowledged girl. Calvin recommends they establish a strike force to bug Susie. Hobbes calls for volunteers.

As they climb down from their tree fort, Calvin says he'll be the strike force commander, while Hobbes is the special agent in charge of munitions. Calvin suggests filling a water balloon and sneaking up on Susie through the back yard. Hobbes wants to be official cartographer, mapping their hiding places and escape routes. Calvin decides to be the code expert and make an unbreakable code. Hobbes runs to get paper. As they both work on their tasks, Calvin says he hopes Susie doesn't go anyplace for a while.

Calvin has finished the secret code. He has assigned each letter a totally random number. For instance, for the letter "A", you write 3,004,572,688. Hobbes admits that's a good code. Calvin says they only have to commit it to memory. He asks if Hobbes has finished the map of their neighborhood. Hobbes isn't quite done yet. He asks how many bricks there are on the front walk.

They have their map, the code, and a water balloon. They're ready to soak Susie. Hobbes says they should run to the big tree out back, then to the bush out front, then the ditch out back, then the tree out front. He explains to a winded Calvin that's to lose anyone who might be tailing them. Calvin is going to write Hobbes a note in code. He asks how to spell "nincompoop".

They made it to Susie's yard, but she's not there. Calvin is distraught that all their plans have gone for naught. Hobbes suggests she might have only gone in for lunch. Her toys are still left out, so she's probably planning to come back. Calvin's eyes bulge, and he wrings his hands. He says that gives him a fabulous idea.

Hobbes tells Calvin he just ran into the invisible sector. He has to cover his eyes. Calvin, playing Calvinball, didn't know they had an invisible sector. He asks where it is. Hobbes tells him he can't see it. It's invisible. He asks how to know he went into it. Hobbes says he can't see anything, right? He hits Calvin on the head with the Calvinball. He gets a point. Calvin chases him. He says Hobbes just ran into a vortex spot. He has to spin around until he falls down. Hobbes informs Calvin that spot is in the boomerang zone, so the vortex returns to who called it. Calvin has to spin. He claims that's not fair. Hobbes tells him he knows the rules. Calvin admits that anything they make up are the rules. Calvin spins himself dizzy while saying this game lends itself to certain abuses. Hobbes has the Calvinball. He asks Calvin to guess how he gets out of the boomerang zone.

Hobbes asks what Calvin is doing. He's picked up Susie's doll. Hobbes says they can't take it. That would be stealing. Hobbes asks if they're going to give it back. Calvin replies they will if she pays the ransom.

Susie comes back and wonders what happened to her Binky Betsy. She knows she left her there, and she wonders if someone took her. Everything else is still there. Calvin and Hobbes are making a ransom note. Hobbes says he likes cut-and-paste. Calvin asks how much they should ask for. He thinks one hundred dollars.

Susie is outraged to receive a ransom note. She crumples the note and says he can't get away with this. She notices something else in the envelope. It's a picture of Binky Betsy tied to a chair. Susie is horrified. In their tree fort, Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club. Hobbes asks Calvin what he's going to do with his $50.

Calvin suggests walking real casually down the sidewalk to see if Susie put the hundred dollars by the tree. They march along with Calvin saying he enjoys his afternoon constitutional. Hobbes says it's quite invigorating. They see the envelope. Calvin figures they're rich. Hobbes says they should sneak up and get it. Susie is hiding behind the tree.

Calvin sets Hobbes down and tells him to watch for Susie while he counts the money to make sure it's all there. Calvin opens the envelope to find no money. There is a note. Calvin reads "now we're even". He wonders what that means. Susie has grabbed Hobbes and run off. Calvin notices Hobbes missing.

Calvin, the airline pilot, awaits takeoff. Ignoring the control tower, Calvin guns the engines and passes the other planes. He opens the throttle. Stewardesses are hurled to the rear of the plane. Calvin takes off ahead of schedule. He notices another plane had received clearance to land. It's headed for the same runway. It looks like a mid-air collision over a crowded super highway at rush hour. Mom returns to the car, telling Calvin thanks for waiting so patiently. Calvin, playing with his toy airplanes, says he could wait even longer if she'd buy him a third plane.

Calvin chases Susie, who's carrying Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to bite her. Susie reaches her home and closes the door. From an upstairs window, Susie yells down for him to get away from their door with that drill.

Calvin is fuming about Susie. Calvin said he kidnapped her doll, but that's no reason to retaliate. He says girls have no sense of humor. He storms off saying this was all funny until she did the same thing to him.

Calvin brings Susie's doll back to her house. Susie opens the door and tells Calvin she thinks she might rather have his tiger than her doll. She tells Calvin he can keep Binky Betsy. Calvin doesn't want a doll. Susie says he'll grow to like her. She has the cutest accessories you can buy. Calvin says he wants Hobbes. Susie tells him she thinks Hobbes likes it better there with her. Calvin yells that he does not.

Calvin offers to give Susie her doll and a quarter to return Hobbes. Susie agrees and tells Calvin to leave her stuff alone next time. They exchange and think each other are jerks. Later, Calvin asks Hobbes what kind of tiger he is. He didn't try to maul her. He asks what he was doing in Susie's house. Hobbes says wouldn't Calvin like to know.

In their tree fort, Calvin says it doesn't give their club a lot of credit when the First Tiger is a willing captive of the enemy. Hobbes sticks out his tongue. Calvin says they stole her doll, and he had to pay ransom. He says it's a disgrace. Calvin doles out demerits for besmirching the club's reputation and conduct unbecoming an officer. He also gives a censure for not devouring Susie when he had the chance. When Calvin asks if there's anything else, Hobbes tells him he almost gave her their code when she rubbed his tummy. Calvin asks whose side he's on.

Calvin declares this a sad chapter in G.R.O.S.S. history. Hobbes says he did some spying after gaining Susie's confidence. He says he read an open page of Susie's diary. Excited that Hobbes intercepted a secret message deep in enemy territory, he asks what it said. Hobbes tells him "Calvin is a pig-faced smelly fat-head". Calvin says their club is a success. He welcomes Hobbes back and offers promotions for everyone.

Susie gives Calvin an invitation to a milk and cookie party. Calvin declines. He wouldn't attend if she paid him. Susie doesn't care and walks off. She calls Calvin a jerk and says she went to all the trouble to set up the table and chairs. She says to Mr. Bun they can have a nice party by themselves. Calvin happily tells Hobbes they showed her. Hobbes wonders what kind of cookies they were. Calvin and Hobbes go to the party. Susie is happy. Calvin says they don't attend parties, they crash them.

Calvin asks Hobbes for help with homework. He asks what 6 + 3 is. Hobbes calls the answer "Y", as in why do I care. He says "Y" might be a square number, so he draws a square. He makes one side 6, the other 3. Then, he measures the diagonal. Calvin doesn't remember the teacher explaining it like that. Hobbes suggests she might not know higher math. Calvin says the diagonal is just a little under 2. Hobbes offers to draw the square bigger.

Mom tells Calvin he can't read comic books until he's finished his homework. Calvin says he is finished. Mom asks if he did a good job, since it didn't take very long. Calvin tells her that when you're as far ahead of the class as he is, it doesn't take long. Mom says she'll see about that when she gets back from her parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. Shocked, Calvin says she doesn't need to bother going. He says Miss Wormwood said he was so good, she didn't have to go.

Calvin is horrified that Mom is going to the parent-teacher conference. He figures he's as good as dead, and that Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about him. Hobbes asks about the horror stories. Calvin says it's all a question of perspective, but he thinks he should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. Hobbes asks what he's going to say when Mom gets back. Calvin says nothing. He pulls out a suitcase and tells Hobbes he's crazy if he thinks Calvin is even going to be there when she returns.

Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door. He is startled and says he didn't finish packing. He says everything Miss Wormwood said about him is a lie. He says she hates little boys. Calvin asks if she told her about the noodles. He says it wasn't him. No one saw him. He was framed. Mom asks what noodles. Calvin says she must have heard wrong, he didn't say noodles.

Dad wants to check over Calvin's math homework. Calvin doesn't want to. Dad says his teacher said he needed to spend more time on it. Calvin complains he's already spent ten whole minutes on it. Dad sees an answer Calvin wrote, 8 + 4 = 7. Dad says Calvin knows that's not right. Calvin says he was off a bit, sue him. Dad says you can't add things and come out with less than you started with. Calvin protests that he can do that, it's a free country and he has his rights.

Calvin tells Susie his sandwich wiggled. He says there's a slug in his peanut butter. The sandwich attacks him. The peanut butter itself is alive. He has his sandwich on his face. He says it's going to suck out his eyeballs. Susie looks away, sickened. Calvin pulls the sandwich off and drowns it in chocolate milk. With his face covered in peanut butter and chocolate milk, he tells Susie Mom will be disappointed her little plot failed. Susie says she's never seen anything so revolting and asks what's wrong with him. She walks away, saying she's eating somewhere else. Calvin says girls are so weird.

Dad tries to explain that when you add something, you increase what you have. Calvin says he doesn't want to learn this. It's irrelevant to his life. Dad says everyone needs to know this. Calvin insists he doesn't. He can get along without math. Dad asks what he wants to be when he grows up. Every job requires some math. Calvin says he's going to be a caveman. Dad counters that isn't really a job.

Dad tries to show Calvin. He has eight pennies and asks for four more. Calvin tells him he's the one with the steady paycheck. Dad tells him to give him four pennies and asks how much he has now. Calvin asks about investments and all. Dad only cares about the money on the table. Calvin replies eight cents. Dad tells him eight plus four is twelve. Calvin protests those four pennies are his.

Mom asks how the math lesson is going. Dad thinks pretty well. Dad explains that he took pennies and showed how adding or subtracting them changed how much money he had. Mom hopes Calvin will do better in class now. Dad thinks he will. He says Calvin was having fun with it by the end. Calvin tells Hobbes to give him another five cents and they'll see what he has.

Smiling at his desk, Calvin feels he knows math cold. He hopes the teacher calls on him. He hopes he gets to do a problem at the board. He'll impress everyone. Miss Wormwood hands Susie some papers and asks her to take one and pass the rest down. She asks what it is. Miss Wormwood says it's a math quiz. Enthused, Calvin says "Hot dog".

Susie warns Calvin not to try to copy her answers. Calvin replies that he'll probably get a better score than she will. Calvin bets her 25 cents. Calvin suggests she give him the quarter now to avoid the humiliation later. Susie suggests they raise the wager. Calvin offers to double the bet, to 35 cents.

Calvin is excited that not only will he ace the quiz, he'll win a quarter from Susie when he gets a better score. He reads the first problem, 6 + 5 =. He thinks about it. Spaceman Spiff approaches the sixth planet of the Mysterio system.

Walking along, Calvin notices leaves rustling in the tree above. Hobbes jumps down and pounces on him. They fight, and Hobbes runs off. Calvin walks home. When he opens the door, Hobbes attacks again. Calvin crawls into the house. Mom opens the door to his room and asks what the big surprise is. Calvin, hiding behind her legs, says to try his closet.

Spiff commands the red spacecraft breaking through the clouds of Planet 6. He reflects on his unusual mission, to somehow crash Planets 6 and 5 together.

Spaceman Spiff drops an anchor onto the Planet 6 surface. Spiff downshifts and guns the motor. The planet slowly moves, towed by our hero. It breaks orbit and speeds toward Planet 5.

Planet 6 is about to collide with Planet 5. Our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety. The planets grind and shatter with awful force. Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust. Only Planet 6 remains. Calvin answers the problem....6 + 5 = 6. The teacher calls time. Calvin is horrified. He's only answered the first problem.

Calvin wonders how time can be up. He hurriedly writes random numbers on the paper. He hopes for some to be right by sheer luck. Calvin hands in the paper. Susie reminds him they have a bet on who has the higher grade. Calvin says the bet's off, he doesn't gamble.

Susie got a perfect score on the quiz. Susie asks Calvin if he missed any. Calvin complains he would have gotten a perfect paper if he had a few more minutes. Calvin says it's biological. Girls mature faster than boys. He says she got a better grade because she's a girl. Susie tells Calvin to pay up. Calvin offers that maybe it's opposite day. Maybe all his X's mean those are correct. Maybe Susie's "A" is really an "F". Calvin says he wins the bet.

Hobbes asks Calvin how he did on his math quiz. Calvin tells him he flunked it, but only because he ran out of time. He says the worst part was that Susie won their bet on who'd get the better score. He had to pay her 25 cents. Calvin laughs that he cheated her, though. He only gave her three dimes. Hobbes says Calvin better study harder. Calvin tells Hobbes not to start on him.

Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. Calvin runs with the ball. Hobbes crouches and waits. Calvin gets closer, and Hobbes leaps toward Calvin. They crash and roll together for a distance. Looking back, Hobbes says he bets it takes four downs just to get back on the field. Calvin thinks football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.

Calvin has cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. He holds it up, and it's just like he's on TV. Calvin laments he can't force his way into millions of people's homes each day. He adds that on the other hand, no one in that home can turn him off.

Hobbes asks what it's like to be on TV. Calvin says it's great. Now that Calvin is on TV, he's different from everybody else. He's special. He says since everyone knows him, everything he does is newsworthy. He's a cultural icon. Hobbes thinks his antenna needs adjusting. Calvin shows Hobbes that he's going to use his prestige to endorse a product.

Calvin, eminent television personality, is doing a commercial for "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside. There isn't a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of the rich, fudgy taste. Calvin says it's the cereal he gets paid to recommend because he's famous. Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks. He asks if Hobbes is filled with the desire to emulate him and eat the cereal he endorses. Calvin says if not, he can repeat this every 20 minutes. Hobbes tells him not to threaten him.

Calvin goes up to Mom telling her he has his own TV show. He sings his jingle about amazing Calvin, the one you'd like to meet, the one who can't be beat. Calvin thanks the audience. Mom wants to change the channel. Calvin tells her he's on all the networks.

Hobbes asks where Calvin's TV screen is. Calvin tells him his fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Hobbes suggests that Calvin go cable. Calvin has an idea for a sitcom called "Father Knows Zilch".

Calvin has completed a connect-the-dots picture, but it doesn't look like anything. Hobbes says you're supposed to connect them in the order they're numbered. Calvin replies that everything has to have rules, rules, rules.

Spaceman Spiff explores a new planet. The only sign of life is a strange lichen growing on the rocks. Spiff bends down for a better look. It's not lichen. It's tiny trees on tiny farmland. Looking ahead, Spiff sees a city, with skyscrapers an inch high. The planet is inhabited. Our hero reflects that human scale is by no means the standard for life forms. To drive the point home, a blimp-sized monster appears over the hillside. Calvin has been playing with ants. Moe is making fun of Calvin by yelling to one of his friends. Calvin, slowly reaching for a rock, says Spaceman Spiff reaches for his stun blaster.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Hobbes snaps the ball and runs toward Calvin. Calvin takes off running. Hobbes scores. Calvin says he'll never have a career in sports until he learns to suppress his survival instinct.

Calvin is running with the football. He stops suddenly, and he turns around and runs the way he came. Hobbes tackles him. Calvin, lying on the ground, says what this game needs are negotiated settlements.

Dad is getting dressed for work, and Calvin asks why he is the one who goes to work and not Mom. Dad explains that Mom used to work, but when Calvin was born someone had to stay home. He says Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation. Calvin asks if she wanted to quit. Dad said no, she had gotten used to it, so they figured she should be the one to stay at home with Calvin.

Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing or he'll punch his lights out. Calvin does, and Moe calls him a sissy. Calvin fumes. He says years from now, when he's successful and happy, and Moe's in prison, he hopes he's not too mature to gloat.

Calvin is sitting on a stool with a smile on his face. Dad is getting ready to take a picture. Dad counts to three and says click. Calvin is still smiling. He says click again. Calvin still smiles. Dad actually snaps the picture, but Calvin is making a face.

Calvin bows in front of the TV. He prays to the great altar of passive entertainment. He asks it to bestow upon him its discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible. He turns the TV on and sits watching.

Calvin wants Hobbes to pose for a wildlife painting. Calvin puts Hobbes on a rock. Calvin tells him to survey his territory with the quiet confidence of a jungle cat. Hobbes puts a paw up to look into the distance. Calvin doesn't think that's quite it. Hobbes puts a paw to his chin. Too formal. Calvin wants to try one where the fierce tiger rests in the shade after a kill. Hobbes lies draped over the rock. No good. He tries lying on his back across the rock. Calvin gets frustrated. Hobbes strikes a fierce pose, and Calvin says that's it. Calvin had no idea this would be so hard. He wonders about trying to pose a dumb moose. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's more of a yellow ochre than a straight orange.

Calvin says it's 8:00, and they have to go to bed already. Calvin complains someone is always running his life. He never gets to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what he would do if he could stay up. He says something fun, like whatever Mom and Dad get to do. Mom and Dad are asleep in their living room chairs, snoring.

Calvin points to the sky at night and tells Hobbes that cloud of stars is our galaxy, the Milky Way. He says our solar system is on the edge of it. He says they hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. He says in cosmic terms, they are subatomic particles in a grain of sand on an infinite beach. They look at the stars. Then Calvin looks at his watch and wonders what's on TV right now.

Calvin complains that everyone takes him for granted. He asks if it's too much to ask for an occasional token gesture of appreciation. Mom offers a big hug. Calvin wants 20 dollars. After Mom leaves, Calvin continues complaining that he doesn't matter to anyone. Nobody cares about him.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks their morality is defined by their actions, or by their hearts. Hobbes thinks their actions show what's in their hearts. Calvin stops and says he resents that.

Calvin is running with the football, and he stops. He flips the ball into the air for Hobbes to grab. Calvin says they say winning isn't everything, and he's decided to take their word for it.

Calvin says he stands firm in his belief of what's right. He refuses to compromise his principles. Mom comes over to him. Calvin, in the bathtub, says he doesn't need to compromise his principles. They don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to him anyway.

Calvin's homework is on the table. The book attacks the pencil. It bites the pencil, then turns to attack the paper. It bites and eats the paper. It then turns to Calvin. Miss Wormwood says his book eating his homework is a new one. Calvin says he's lucky to be alive. He had to break the book's spine.

Calvin is playing with his toy trucks. Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin, lying battered on the floor with Hobbes next to him says he wouldn't mind this so much if Hobbes didn't keep a log. Hobbes, writing in his book, asks if Calvin was "very surprised" or "completely surprised".

Calvin shows Mom a mask he made. She asks if it's for Halloween. Calvin tells her it's for every day. Since Hobbes sneaks up and attacks him from behind, Calvin can wear the mask on the back of his head. Hobbes won't know which way he's facing, so he can't sneak up. Mom says his train of thought is a runaway.

Calvin gives Dad a mask so he can avoid tiger attacks. Calvin says he read in a book that tigers can't tell which way you're facing with the mask on. Dad decides he'll take a chance and not look like a lunatic. Calvin says if he'd rather look like raw hamburger, be his guest. Dad asks Mom if they're out of aspirin again.

Calvin tells Hobbes he won't be pouncing on him anymore. He shows Hobbes his mask. He tells Hobbes he's finally thwarted Hobbes' murderous recreation. Calvin boasts that this will show Hobbes that people are smarter than animals. Hobbes gets Calvin in his mouth. Calvin complains that wasn't fair. Hobbes didn't even sneak up.

Calvin is writing a report. He writes "In the Middle Ages, lords and vassals lived in a futile system". Hobbes looks at the paper and tells Calvin that's supposed to be "feudal" system. Dejectedly, Calvin says just when he thought this junk was beginning to make sense.

Walking in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't believe how smart he is. Calvin says he has more brains than he knows what to do with. Hobbes says he's noticed, and walks along whistling. Calvin catches on and starts chasing Hobbes.

Hobbes passes the football to Calvin. Calvin runs after it, and Hobbes runs past him. Calvin makes the catch, only to turn and have Hobbes tackle him. Hobbes picks up the fumble. He asks whose team he was on when he recovered the ball. Calvin tells him it doesn't matter. The game's called on account of sudden death.

Moe tells Calvin to give him the ball, or he'll punch Calvin's face in. When Calvin does, Moe tells him that was a smart move, sissy boy. Calvin walks off and says we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to find a cure for jerks.

Calvin looks into his lunch sack and tells it to open wide. He tells it this might cause some discomfort, as he prepares to reach inside. Calvin struggles with the bag, telling it to stop thrashing, he almost has it. He pulls out an apple. He says it's a good thing the bag had this removed. Calvin notes the bad spots. Susie has her head down next to her lunch thinking lunch shouldn't have to be like this.

Calvin shows Hobbes a picture and asks if he wouldn't say this was a great drawing. He says his teacher didn't like it. She said it wasn't "serious". Calvin wonders who made Miss Wormwood the arbiter of aesthetics. He claims the picture is a beautiful work of power and depth. Hobbes asks if it's a stegosaurus in a rocket ship. Calvin says see, Hobbes understands it.

Calvin says on one hand, it's good to know images still have power in this age of visual bombardment from all media. But on the other hand, the teacher's grading shows our society is culturally illiterate and many people can't tell good art from a hole in the ground. Calvin's drawing obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe, predigested, bucolic genre scenes. Calvin figures his "C-" firmly establishes him on the cutting edge of the avant-garde. Hobbes asks if he then has to wear silly clothes.

Calvin tells Hobbes the hard part for avant-garde artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Should their work be hyped and exploited by a market hungry for the next new thing? Do they turn high art into low art so it's better suited for mass consumption? Calvin knows an artist doing that makes a mockery of his status as a free thinker. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Calvin says he'll do it.

Calvin drew another picture in his "dinosaurs in rocket ship" series, and Miss Wormwood threatened to give him a bad grade if he didn't stop. Calvin protests the arts are under attack. Freedom of expression is being squelched. The authorities are trying to silence any view contrary to their own. Hobbes asks what his teacher objects to about dinosaurs. Calvin admits it's mostly his drawing them during math.

Calvin's dinner grabs his drink and splashes him with it. While Calvin coughs, the dinner jumps up from its plate and hits Calvin in the face. He chases and grabs the dinner. Mom sees him on the table, food in hand, with cups and bowls scattered on the table. Mom clenches her teeth in anger. Calvin places an emergency call to the local Navy recruitment office.

Standing at the bus stop, Calvin comments on it being another gorgeous fall day. He says it's a waste to go to school on a morning like this. Hobbes asks what Calvin would do if he could stay home that morning. Calvin tells him he'd sleep right through it.

Calvin sits at his desk reading a book. Suddenly, Calvin falls backward off the chair. He tumbles down, knocking the chair and desk over. Sitting among the wreckage, he says it could've happened by accident.

Susie tells Calvin not to sit by her at lunch. She doesn't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Calvin says he won't talk about lunch at all. He tells Susie a riddle. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger. Susie runs off, while Calvin says he can't think of a difference either.

Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to wait his turn. Moe punches Calvin. Calvin, lying on the ground, says it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Calvin puts leaves in his lunch bag, then draws a face on it. He puts his shoes and coat around the bag and sets the bag on the porch. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on the lunch bag. After he comes inside, Mom looks at the bag and says there's no point in saving his lunch bag if he can't keep it any cleaner than that. Calvin says that's what she thinks.

Tranquil Mt. Calvin blows sky high. He's a live volcano. Molten lava sprays into the heavens. Calvin is frantically drinking water at the dinner table. Dad tells him he warned him the chili sauce was hot. Mom says he spewed it all across the table.

Calvin is yawning, making odd faces, frowning, making pucker faces, sticking his tongue out, sticking his finger in his nose, lifting the ends of his mouth, and pulling his face. Dad and Mom are looking at pictures. Dad says that's their son. Mom says these pictures will remind them of more than they want to remember.

Calvin answers the phone. The caller asks if Dad is there, and Calvin says no. The caller asks for Calvin to write down his number and have Dad call. Calvin tells the caller to hang on. Calvin blows up a balloon, pops it, and yells he's been shot. As he walks off, he says he hates taking messages.

Calvin asks Mom if they have a shoe box for a school project. Mom gets him one. Calvin is going to make a diorama. They're studying different ecosystems, and Calvin's making a desert scene. Calvin adds that he'll some glue and paper. He's going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. Mom asks when it's due. Calvin tells her today, but Calvin told the teacher he wasn't quite finished.

Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom had a conniption when she found out he hadn't started his diorama that was due today. Calvin asks what the big deal is being one day late. Lives don't hang in the balance. The fate of the universe doesn't depend on his handing his desert scene on time. Hobbes thinks that's keeping things in perspective. Calvin adds that even if lives were in the balance, it would depend on whose they were.

Calvin figures he can't build a desert diorama if he doesn't know what a desert looks like. He complains that Mom and Dad have never taken him to a desert for him to know this stuff. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get out a book. Calvin asks if he should go through all that trouble. He says he's a busy guy. He's got other things to do with his life besides this. Hobbes says why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous. Calvin says his TV show starts in 20 minutes. He asks if Hobbes is going to help him or not.

Calvin asks Mom for some papier-mache. Mom says they don't have any. Calvin wonders how he's supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache. Mom says he should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. Calvin asks how he'll make one. Mom tells him it's his project, he should do the work. Calvin tells her that if he gets a bad grade, it will be her fault for not doing the work for him.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's almost finished with the diorama. Hobbes says that didn't take too long. Calvin replies that's because he's a genius. Hobbes doesn't see the roadrunner. He asks if Calvin wasn't going to put one in. Calvin points out the cotton balls he glued down. He says the roadrunner just ran out of the scene, leaving those clouds of dust.

The doctor asks what's wrong. The woman says her foot hurts. The doctor thinks that's a stupid problem. He suggests a lobotomy. The woman says no real doctor would say that. He asks who's wearing the stethoscope. He offers the reflex mallet for anesthesia. The woman says he doesn't know anything. The doctor offers a shot in the mouth. The woman says she knows more about medicine than him. She'll be the doctor now. She kicks him. Calvin says Susie is the doctor, but he's not going to be a patient of hers. Susie tells him good riddance. Calvin tells Hobbes the Surgeon General should issue a warning about playing with girls. Hobbes, with a smile, says he'd be Susie's patient.

Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin tells him that he's never had an obligation, an assignment, or a deadline in his life. He says it must be nice not to have any responsibilities. Hobbes looks up with a toothy smile. Calvin tells him to wipe that insolent smirk off his face. Hobbes lies back down and thinks the real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.

Calvin complains about having to do homework. He says it's too much work and wonders why he should bother. Hobbes tells him "Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone". Calvin can see why tiger aphorisms don't catch on.

Calvin says "Live for the moment" is his motto. You never know how long you've got. Calvin says you could step into the road and get hit by a cement truck. You'd be sorry you put off your pleasures. Calvin asks Hobbes what his motto is. Hobbes tells him "Look down the road".

In the bathtub, Calvin tells Hobbes he's decided he doesn't want to be famous. He says any idiot can be famous. He figures he's more the legendary type. Hobbes dubiously agrees as Calvin makes soap suds bunny ears for himself. Calvin adds that he didn't mean right this second.

Dad has rakes leaves into a pile. Calvin asks if they can burn them. Dad says that pollutes. Calvin wonders how they'll appease the mighty snow demons if they don't sacrifice any leaves. They'll have a warm winter. Dad doesn't know whether Calvin's grasp of theology or meteorology is more appalling. Calvin walks off saying he'll light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks tigers go to the same heaven people go to. Calvin says in heaven, people are supposed to be happy. But people couldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers. Calvin doesn't think heaven would be nice without tigers, either. He wouldn't be happy without tigers. He'd miss them. Calvin wonders if maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. Hobbes says but then they wouldn't be happy.

Hobbes walks in circles on the bed. Calvin asks why animals always walk in circles before they lie down. Hobbes says it's privileged information. There are monsters under Calvin's bed. They tell Calvin there's a shiny toy for him under the bed. Come get it. Calvin says they just want him to come down so they can grab him with an oozing appendage, slowly paralyze him with some vile secretion, and devour him alive. He says forget it. As he turns to lie in bed, he tells Hobbes they are stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. The monsters whisper to Hobbes that they'll give him some salmon if he pushes the kid over the bed. Hobbes asks if the salmon is fresh. They say it is. Calvin, horrified, yells for Hobbes not to listen to them.

Calvin tells Dad he'll guess any number Dad's thinking of. He tells Dad to pick a number, and Dad does. Calvin asks if it's 92,376,051. Dad says it is. Calvin is shocked. He points at Dad and says wait a minute. He wonders if Dad is just trying to get rid of him. Dad says Calvin's psychic. He tells Calvin to go show Mom.

Calvin tells Hobbes a lot of people don't have principles, but he does. He's highly principled. He says he lives by one principle, and he never deviates from it. Hobbes asks what it is. Calvin tells him "Look out for number one".

Calvin complains to Mom that the sandwich she made him for lunch had the jelly soaking into the bread. That grosses him out. He tells Mom tomorrow he wants the jelly in a separate container with a knife so he can spread the jelly at the last moment before he eats the sandwich. He continues to complain Mom uses bread from the middle of the loaf. He likes those for toast. He wants end pieces for sandwiches, because they don't absorb as much jelly. He asks if she's got that. The next day, Calvin opens his lunch to see his sandwich is the same as before. Calvin complains that she did it again.

Mom sees that Calvin has made his bed without being asked. Hobbes comments that Mom is sure nice when Calvin helps her. He says that's the reason he usually doesn't. Calvin wants Mom to be impressed when he fulfills the least of his obligations.

Calvin is on the phone. He tells someone to look out the window, it's snowing. By morning, he bets there'll be tons of snow. He asks if the person thinks the schools will close. Calvin hears the answer and angrily says back "Well, same to you". Climbing back in bed, Calvin asks Hobbes how a crabby guy like that got to be superintendent.

Covered with snow, Calvin tells Hobbes that was quite a ride. Hobbes says he's never seen a sled catch fire before. Calvin says they're lucky the pond hadn't frozen.

Calvin sees Susie. He wishes he had a snowball to smack her with. Hobbes says he bets Santa Claus heard that. Calvin remembers. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize. Calvin does. Hobbes suggests he better say he likes Susie. Calvin says that's going too far. Hobbes says he better say he'd like to give her muchas smooches. Calvin starts to fight with Hobbes. Susie asks what he's doing. She doesn't know what's weirder, that he's fighting a stuffed animal, or that he seems to be losing. Susie leaves. Hobbes says after today, Santa will take a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill Calvin's stocking.

Standing outside in his coat, hat, and gloves, Calvin is selling lemonade. He's offering it for five dollars a glass. Hobbes asks how sales are. Calvin says they're terrible, and he doesn't understand it. Hobbes says it's cold out. Calvin says his lemonade has "all-natural" refrigeration. He asks if Hobbes wants to buy a glass. Hobbes says all his savings is in bonds. Calvin thinks maybe he should charge ten dollars a glass so he doesn't have to sell as much.

Calvin tells Dad that when he grows up, he's going to be the richest man alive. He says he won't let wealth change him. Dad says that was their last hope. Calvin fumes. He tells Dad he's going to be pretty lonely in the nursing home. Dad says then maybe he can finish the book he's reading.

Calvin tells Hobbes a joke he just made up. What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? A melon-collie baby. Calvin laughs, but Hobbes doesn't. Calvin walks off saying Hobbes doesn't want to face the fact that Calvin will be the life of every party.

Calvin is sitting on the chair in the living room. He takes his shoe off and dangles it over the edge of the chair. He lets it go, and Hobbes reaches out from under the chair and grabs it. Calvin says you just can't ever be too careful. Hobbes, under the chair, calls him a cheater.

Dad asks Mom if she's seen his glasses. He can't find them. Calvin comes out wearing Dad's glasses and has his hair slicked down. Calvin puts his arms on his hips and tells Dad "Calvin, go do something you hate. Being miserable builds character". Mom falls off the chair laughing. Dad tells her the voice was a little funny, but that's one darn sarcastic kid they're raising.

Hobbes crouches, then leaps into the air onto Calvin. Later, Calvin walks by Mom. He's wearing a football helmet and has pillows tied in front and in back of himself. Mom thinks those child psychology books they bought were such a waste of money.

For show-and-tell, Calvin has bone fragments he unearthed in his front yard. He says they look like ordinary driveway gravel, but he recognized them as part of a jawbone from a new species of carnosaur. He has an illustration of the Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared. He says he'll be publishing his full findings soon. He feels he'll be the recipient of many paleontology prizes. He says those students who were mean to him will suffer then. He says he'll employ his resources to make their puny lives miserable. He'll crush their pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust. But he offers an alternative. He's accepting a limited number of applications to be his pal. It costs just $20 per person. Calvin sits in the principal's office. Calvin tells him to just wait.

Dad asks Calvin if he's watching a Christmas special. Calvin says yes. Dad comments on another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. Dad walks off saying he hates to think what Calvin's learning from this. Calvin says he's learning he needs his own TV so he can watch it someplace else.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing his Christmas list. He asks if Hobbes wants him to add anything for him. Hobbes can't think of anything. Calvin is outraged. Hobbes tells him he has a good home and a best friend. He asks what more could a tiger want. Calvin says it must be sad being a species with so little imagination.

Calvin thanks Hobbes for helping him mail his Christmas list. He says big envelopes could only hold a couple hundred pages. That's why he used a box. Hobbes hopes Santa doesn't throw out his back when he gets it. Calvin says Santa better bring everything on his list. He says he's been extremely good all year. Hobbes asks about the noodle incident. Calvin yells that no one can prove he did that.

Calvin says this whole business of Santa rewarding good kids and neglecting kids bugs him. He adds that he doesn't have anything to worry about. Hobbes clears his throat, calling Calvin a paragon of virtue. Calvin explains a good kid could do something that looks bad, if one didn't consider the mitigating circumstances. Hobbes asks if he means like putting an incontinent toad in Mom's sweater drawer. Calvin says if he was being raised in a better environment, he wouldn't do things like that.

Calvin thinks if Santa is going to judge his behavior over the past year, he ought to be entitled to legal representation. A lot of Christmas loot is at stake. The Constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. Calvin says Hobbes can be his lawyer. Calvin hands Hobbes a legal pad and says he's all set. Hobbes informs Calvin he doesn't take pro bono cases.

Calvin says as his lawyer, Hobbes will have to review the facts of the case. Hobbes says they'll try to establish Calvin was insane at the time of the alleged crimes. Calvin doesn't want to cop a plea of insanity. He says he's innocent. Hobbes tells Calvin insulting his attorney is a penal offense. Calvin tells him he's supposed to argue he deserves to be on Santa's "good" list. Hobbes advises Calvin to settle out of court. Calvin angrily says in a minute, they are going to settle this out of doors.

Calvin thinks nobody could be watching every kid every minute. He says Santa's old. He figures Santa makes just random checks on them once or twice a week. He tells Hobbes Santa would catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. Now that Calvin is on to Santa, he's going to smack Susie with a snowball. If he does it quick, the odds of Santa catching him are virtually nil. Hobbes asks what if Susie tells on him. He hadn't thought of that. He drops the snowball. He walks off with Hobbes saying he hopes Santa's watching now, seeing as he's being so good. Hobbes says he's unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.

Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes are off to the North Pole. Mom asks why he's going there since he's sent his Christmas list already. Calvin is afraid Santa hasn't considered Calvin's version of certain recent events. Mom asks just how recent are these recent events he's talking about. Calvin says it's a long walk, so he has to go.

Calvin maps out their strategy of telling Santa that Calvin has been the victim of malicious slanders by his enemies. Calvin says they tell Santa Calvin is a good kid with a good heart. Calvin notices Susie. He starts to pack slushballs.

Calvin tells Hobbes Susie is concentrating on her snowman. He wants to barrage her with slushballs. Hobbes reminds him that two minutes ago, they were on their way to tell Santa how good Calvin was. Calvin looks at the slushballs on the ground. He asks Hobbes how many presents he thought Calvin would forfeit for one clean smack upside Susie's head.

Hobbes says he won't be Calvin's lawyer if he can't walk a block without pasting someone with a slushball. Calvin says it's not "someone". It's Susie. Santa would understand. Susie hears Calvin behind the tree arguing with Hobbes. She hears him say he's going to hit her with a big, icy slushball. As Calvin continues to argue with Hobbes, Susie makes her own slushball. Calvin tells Hobbes to hold it. He asks if Hobbes heard a snicker. Susie is standing right behind him with a slushball.

Susie smacks Calvin with her slushball. Calvin is happy, because since she hit him first, it's justified. Hobbes tells him it's a chance to show Santa how good he is. Calvin, head covered in slush, says he doesn't want to be that good.

Calvin comes back in the house saying he proved how good he was. He says Susie hit him with a snowball, and he didn't hit her back. He figures Santa has to give him lots of presents now. Mom asks why Susie hit Calvin with a snowball. Calvin says they were minding their own business when she attacked for no reason. Hobbes tells Calvin that since he lied, if he does something good fast, the last hour will even out to neutral. Calvin laments that he won't make it three more days.

Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin says he's getting nervous about Christmas. He wonders what Santa's definition of good and bad are. He says he hasn't killed anybody, so that's good. He hasn't committed any felonies, start any wars, or practiced cannibalism. He thinks that should get lots of presents. Hobbes suggests maybe good is more than the absence of bad. That's what worries Calvin. He asks Hobbes that if he can get an overnight letter to the North Pole, what would Hobbes charge to write him a glowing character reference. Hobbes says he won't perjure himself for Calvin. His record's clean.

Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Dad says the shopping is done, presents are wrapped, and Calvin is in bed. Dad says sometime the season seems out of control. They don't always think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mom says it's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. Calvin walks up with a fire extinguisher. He asks if this is Santa flambe.

Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a Merry Christmas. Calvin says he didn't get Hobbes a gift, but he says Hobbes is Calvin's best friend in the world. Hobbes says Calvin is his best friend, and that's a great gift. Calvin hops out of bed saying it's almost 4 am. He wants to wake Mom and Dad and see what Santa brought them. Hobbes reminds Calvin they agreed that if Calvin got any salmon, he'd share it.

Calvin writes a thank you note to his Grandma for the crayons she sent. Calvin tells Hobbes he always sends Grandma a thank-you note right away. Calvin has done that ever since she sent an empty box with a sarcastic note saying she was checking to see if the Postal Service was still working.

Dad turns off the TV and tells Calvin to play outside. Calvin doesn't want to. Grumpily, he goes outside. He starts to build a snow man. He places it by the window looking in at Dad. Twigs are placed for hands to have the snow man thumbing his ears at Dad.

Calvin shouts out that he's invincible behind the walls of his snow fort. He says no one dares to attack him. Everyone is too chicken. He ducks behind the wall. He waits. Nothing happens. He comes out and yells that he's outside his fort now.

Calvin complains to Dad that it's so cold he can see his breath. Dad says the thermostat is staying where it is. Calvin is surprised water pipes haven't frozen. He says his lips are blue, he's catching pneumonia and is going into hypothermia. Dad suggests that if he's cold, why doesn't he shovel the driveway to get his blood moving. Later, Dad compliments Calvin on his sweater.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's getting disillusioned with these New Years. He says they don't seem new at all. Each new year is just like the old year. Another year's gone by, and everything is still the same. There's still pollution, war, stupidity, and greed. Things haven't changed. He asks what kind of future this is. He thought things were supposed to improve. He thought the future was supposed to be better. Hobbes says the problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

Calvin stands next to a snowman lying on the ground. Calvin says that by the power invested in him by the mighty and awful snow demons, he commands the snowman to come to life. He tells the snowman to live! The snowman rises up. Calvin runs off, with the snowman in hot pursuit.

Calvin runs inside, gasping for air. Calvin tells Mom he built the snowman, but then he brought it to life. Now, the snowman is after Calvin. Calvin tells Mom to look out the window. Mom looks and sees the snowman on the front step. She asks how they'll get out the door. Horrified, Calvin says he's looking in and now knows where he lives.

Calvin and Hobbes hide behind a tree. Calvin didn't know the snowman he brought to life would be evil. He knows they have to get rid of it. Hobbes suggests luring him inside so he'd melt. Calvin rejects that idea. It would take hours, it might kill Mom, and if it didn't, Mom would have a fit about the water on the floor. Hobbes asks how they finally killed "Frosty". Calvin wishes he'd watched that show. He suggests maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.

Hiding behind a tree, Calvin and Hobbes attack the snowman with snowballs. They stick to the snowman. That gives the snowman an idea. He starts packing more snow onto himself, making himself bigger.

The snowman packs more snow onto himself. It makes a big snowball and puts rocks and sticks onto it. The snowman has given himself another head. Hobbes says anytime the sun wants to come out is alright with him. Calvin notices the snowman has added another arm. It's turned itself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon.

The snow goon goes to the front yard. Calvin and Hobbes cut around the house to build a snow fort. Calvin doesn't know what the snow goon is going to do, but he knows they're going to need protection. Dad tells Calvin the snowman out front is hideous. He asks why Calvin can't build a normal one. Calvin replies that he tried.

Calvin builds a snowman on the porch. He puts his coat and hat on the snowman. He yells that he's home and hides next to the porch. Hobbes opens the door, sees the snowman, then asks why Calvin is on the ground without his coat. He says no reason. Calvin puts his coat and hat back on, kicks the snowman off the porch, starts to open the door, and Hobbes pounces on him.

Calvin and Hobbes are building their snow fort. The snow goon makes another snow goon. Calvin, in their snow fort, says they're safe now. Hobbes wonders why they haven't seen him for awhile.

Susie comments on Calvin's snow fort. Calvin tells her the walls are two feet thick and they have fifty snowballs. Susie wonders who he's fighting. Calvin tells her there's a snow goon running loose. Susie asks what a snow goon is. Calvin explains it's like a snowman, but it's an evil, grotesque, demented monster. She asks if that's what all those ugly things in the yard are. Calvin asks what she means by "all those".

There's a new snow goon, but it's not one Calvin made. He says the original snow goon must be making his own. Calvin fears he's making a snow goon army. He speculates how many there would be if the original made a hundred snow goons, then each of them makes their own goons. Calvin thinks that would be cool, if they weren't out to kill him. Hobbes suggests making tracks for Florida.

Mom yells for Calvin to come inside, it's late. Calvin replies that he has to stay to kill snow goons. Mom says he can kill them after school tomorrow. Calvin warns there will be more of them then. Mom tells Calvin to come in. As he heads to the house, Calvin says that Moms and reason are like oil and water.

In bed, Calvin asks Hobbes if he sees any snow goons outside. He says they're still making more. There are about fifteen now. Calvin doesn't think he'll even make it to the bus stop tomorrow. He is sure the snow goons will catch him. Mom kisses Calvin good night. Calvin asks her if he can bring an ax to school tomorrow....for show and tell.

At night, Calvin looks out his window to see the snow goons aren't moving. They're asleep. Calvin thinks this will be their best chance to bump them off. Hobbes says they can't go out now, it's 10:00 at night. Calvin says Mom and Dad will still be up. They'll have to wait at least an hour.

Calvin wonders why he dreams when he sleeps. He asks Hobbes if their brains get bored. He wonders why they don't just sleep. Hobbes thinks they dream so they don't have to be apart so long. If they are in each other's dreams, they can play all night. Calvin thinks that sounds right. Calvin says he'll see Hobbes in his dreams in a few minutes. Hobbes says he'll be there. They roll over to sleep. They're asleep with smiles on their faces.

Calvin and Hobbes quietly come down the stairs, saying "Shh" to each other. They get dressed to go outside, saying "Shh" to each other. They leave the house, saying "Shh" to each other. Mom and Dad are startled awake by Calvin yelling for the snow goon to die.

Calvin is spraying water over the snow goons. He says he'll freeze them where they snooze. He walks through the yard spraying water all over. He covers all the snow goons, then sprays some more water around to be sure everything's frozen. Hobbes notices Mom and Dad's light is on. He tells Calvin that he thinks Dad is coming. Calvin wonders if he should spray Dad, also.

Mom and Dad get out of bed. Mom sees Calvin outside with the garden hose. Dad runs outside yelling for Calvin to come inside. He slips on the ice created by Calvin's watering and slides across the yard. Calvin runs off with Hobbes while being chased by Dad, who is covered with snow. Calvin yells that Dad is a snow goon, too.

Dad carries Calvin into the house. Calvin says he can explain. He tells Mom that he had to freeze the snow goons or they would have gotten him. Dad tells Calvin it's after midnight. He says they'll discuss it very thoroughly tomorrow. He sends Calvin to bed. Wide-eyed, Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to get any sleep now.

Calvin explains to Mom and Dad how the snow goons were building an army. He asks if they see. He explains he had to freeze them while they were sleeping. He asks if they see. He says it all makes sense. He asks if they see. Mom and Dad just look at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes they never see.

As the snow goons melt, Calvin tells Hobbes there's a moral to all this. He says "snow goons are bad news". Hobbes says that lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. Calvin tells him he likes maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.

Spaceman Spiff crashes on Planet Plootarg. He sets off in search of a service station. He sees the Zarches have followed him to the planet's surface to finish him off. The planet's soft, granular ground makes him easy to track. He runs backwards, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction. By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, Spiff fools the aliens. Calvin, up in a tree, looks down at Mom and Dad. They're yelling that it's time to go in. Dad says he knows Calvin went this way, and that they'll find him.

There is a snowman with a hole shot in him from a cannon behind. There is a snowman with a shovel, looking at the ground where the head of another snowman lies. Calvin has another snowman on a chair with a noose around its neck. Looking out the kitchen window, Dad tells Mom that she has to admit it's slowed down the traffic on their road.

Calvin has shoveled the front steps of the house. He has also shoveled a meandering path around the yard, going around trees, before heading toward the driveway. Dad, standing on the steps wanting to get to the car in the driveway, yells at Calvin for not just shoveling the sidewalk over to the driveway.

Calvin is walking in the snow, clearing a path. He jumps over to start another path. He starts still another. Hobbes asks if he's had any luck. Calvin says he's so disappointed. In the snow, Calvin has made a message to jet pilots to do a barrel roll.

WHAP! Susie gets hit in the back of the head with a snowball. She angrily asks Calvin if he threw that. Calvin points to himself and asks "Who, me". Calvin lies face down in the snow, seeing stars. At home, he stands in front of a mirror practicing saying "Who, me" to sound more convincing next time.

Calvin and Hobbes sit on the toboggan at the top of the hill. Calvin speculates that if they go fast enough and pull up just as they hit the rocks, they might clear the ravine and have the ride of their lives. He goes on to say if they miss, they'll spend their remaining days hooked up to machines and intravenous fluids. He raises his fist and says it's either spectacular, unbelievable success, or crushing, hopeless defeat. There is no middle ground. Later, inside the house, Hobbes is lying in front of the fireplace reading a comic book. Calvin walks up to him and admits there is a middle ground, but it's for sissy weasels.

Calvin throws a snowball. Hobbes walks over to Calvin while brushing off snow from his shoulder. Calvin looks worried. Hobbes grabs Calvin and packs snow around him. Calvin is stuck, rolled up in the middle of a big snowball.

Calvin and Hobbes are on the sled at the top of Mount Maim. Calvin says he likes to experience life to the fullest. He likes to stare death in the eye and make him blink. He looks back at Hobbes and asks him if he thinks he's right. Hobbes tells him real living is sitting by a fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa. They sit on the sled. Next, we see them sitting by the fireplace, slurping from their mugs of cocoa.

Calvin is still in bed when Mom tells him to get up or he'll be late for school. Calvin sits up and informs Mom that his spirit is going to school while his body stays in bed. Later, Calvin is tossed out the door. Standing on the corner, Calvin grumpily says now his spirit is in bed.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing checkers. Hobbes jumps several of Calvin's pieces and wins. Calvin informs Hobbes he has only won the outward manifestation of the game. His spirit is still unvanquished. Hobbes tells him he's lost 165 straight games. Calvin tells Hobbes his spirit is kicking the spirit of Hobbes' checkers clear across the room.

Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin would like to summarize what they read in class. Calvin declines, saying he's here against his will. He refuses to cooperate. He shakes his fist and says they can transport his body to school, but they can't chain his spirit. Walls can't confine it, laws can't restrain it, authority has no power over it. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin that if he put half the energy into his protests into his schoolwork... Calvin interrupts her by saying she can try to leave a message, but his spirit screens its calls.

Dad tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin tells him he can put his body to bed, but his spirit's going to stay playing. He asks Dad why he shouldn't just stay up. Dad explains that the body is the home of the spirit, and if he's not in bed in two minutes, his spirit is going to be permanently nomadic. Calvin, in bed, says "home sweet home".

Standing on the corner, waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes there ought to be a law against having school on days there is enough snow to play in. Calvin goes on to say he doesn't think there should be school in the fall, either. Summer's out already, then there is spring. Calvin guesses he'd go to school a day in November and a day in March. Hobbes says that by second grade, he'd be packing his lunch box with denture cleaners. Calvin finishes the thought by saying before he got to third grade, he could retire.

In the bathtub, Calvin plays with a toy ship. He says the ship is going full speed through the dangerous strait. He gets out of the tub and runs out of the bathroom. He comes back with something in his hand. Later, Mom is horrified to see that Calvin has poured ink in the bath water. Calvin tells her the oil tanker crashed.

Calvin's world suddenly has no hue, value, or chroma. He asks if the photoreceptors in his eyes have stopped working, or has the fundamental nature of light changed. Perhaps something has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum. As he walks, he wonders if objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths. Whatever the case, it's clear to Calvin that there's no point in discussing things with Dad. Dad tells Calvin that his problem is, Calvin sees everything in terms of black and white. Calvin angrily replies sometimes that's the way things are.

Calvin shows Hobbes a bird foot he made. He tells Hobbes he's going to press it in the snow and make everyone think a two ton chickadee walked by. Hobbes suggests time weighs more heavily on some people's hands than others'. As Calvin presses the bird foot into the snow, he says Hobbes is just jealous because he accomplishes so much more than Hobbes.

Calvin tells Dad he has a better idea for shoveling the driveway. He'll pack the snow into a big ramp. Then Dad can rev up the car, throw out the clutch, and leave a patch of molten rubber in the garage, then zoom up the ramp. Calvin will have barrels down the driveway to see how many Dad can clear. He thinks that would be great. Apparently, Dad doesn't. Calvin walks through the snow, shovel over his shoulder, not knowing why some people even have cars.

Calvin is lying inside the mouth of a snow snake. Susie is walking by. Calvin tells her about the horrible inner teeth pulling him into the snake's frigid gullet. He tells Susie to run for her life. Susie walks away saying she, at least, has a life...unlike some weirdos she knows. Later, Calvin stands next to the snow snake saying that if he had two x chromosomes, he'd feel hostile, too.

Calvin tells Hobbes he likes to sled down hills, but he hates having to climb back up. He says it's too boring and slow. Calvin suggests he sit on the sled and have Hobbes pull him up the hill. Hobbes would run as fast as he could, zigzagging around trees. Hobbes walks off, leaving Calvin to lament not even his friends do what he wants.

Calvin is making something in the snow. It looks like a raised zigzag pattern. Mom and Dad look out from the window at Calvin, saying he's been working on it since early that morning. They can't tell what it is. From the window, it doesn't look like anything. From above, we see that Calvin has been making an image of a monster getting ready to bite down on the house.

In rhyme, Calvin is lying in the snow, making an angel. He sees a UFO. The aliens snag Calvin with a hook on his overcoat and hoist him aboard. He tries to fight away, but it's no use. The tie him up and wired his cranium to a suction cup. Current courses across his cerebellum, coaxing things from his brain tissue he wouldn't tell them. All the math he ever learned were removed in this operation. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood his escape was an adventure, but suffice to say, he cannot add, so she should ask some other kid.

Calvin prepares a snowball to throw at Susie. He tells Hobbes to watch him knock her fillings loose. Calvin throws the snowball. PIFF! It falls a couple feet away. They look at the fallen snowball. Calvin tells Hobbes he thought earth's gravity felt exceptionally strong today. Hobbes figures that explains why Calvin spilled his oatmeal down the heater that morning.

Calvin and Hobbes are still looking at the snowball. Calvin says he can't throw snowballs at Susie if the earth's gravity has increased. Calvin says "This is a job for..." and runs off. Hobbes stands puzzled. Hobbes goes back inside the house to see Calvin rummaging through his dresser drawers. He has his Stupendous Man cowl on. As he tosses clothes aside, he says Mom must have put his cape in the wrong drawer.

Hobbes asks Calvin who this is a job for. Calvin replies "Stupendous Man". Calvin struggles with his pants. Hobbes asks if super heroes wear snow pants. Calvin angrily replies they do when there's snow out. Calvin is on his back, trying to get his pants on. Hobbes looks down on him and says this looks like a real job for Stupendous Man. Calvin tells Hobbes of course the zipper's going to get stuck if everyone stands around watching him.

Earth's excessive gravity is no match for Stupendous Man's strength. The masked man of might makes a gigantic snowball, flies high into the stratosphere, where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend, Annoying Girl. Susie is walking down the sidewalk.

Stupendous Man drops the snowball, taking advantage of earth's strong gravity. Susie lies on the sidewalk, covered with the snowball. Stupendous Man, sitting on a tree branch above, triumphs. He zooms back to resume his secret identity. Entering the bedroom, Hobbes asks Calvin if he saved the day. Calvin tells him justice reigns once more. From downstairs, one of Calvin's parents yells up that Susie's Mom just called. Calvin is going to be talked to.

Mom is talking to Calvin. She says Susie's mom said Calvin dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. Calvin says it couldn't have been him. He's mild-mannered. Mom crosses her arms and says Susie's mom described the hood and cape she made for Calvin. Calvin says it must have been Stupendous Man, and that Susie probably deserved whatever she got. Mom tells him he could hurt someone that way, and that if she ever hears of anything like this again, she'll take away his costume for good. Hobbes says this sounds like another job for Stupendous Man. Calvin says it actually doesn't sound like quite his type of job.

Riding on their toboggan, Calvin tells Hobbes he watched a nature program on TV last night. Then, he asked Dad if life was nothing more than trying to survive long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Hobbes asks what Dad said. Calvin replies Dad looked at him a minute, then said he didn't know about the rest of it, but thought the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. They slide along, then Calvin says he's noticed in those programs how young males often leave the herd at an early age. Hobbes replies that he thinks it's good that everyone becomes food.

Calvin asks Dad how soldiers killing each other solves the world's problems. Dad sits there looking. He keeps sitting and looking. Calvin walks off saying he thinks grown-ups just act like they know what they're doing.

Mom asks how Calvin's day went. Calvin tells her he got stuck in his snow pants. He says the zipper got covered with ice, he tried to force it, but his mitten got caught. He then tried to take his snow pants off, but he hadn't taken his boots off first. Then the pants got twisted, he fell over, and the teacher had to call two custodians to get him out. He tells Mom he wants to wear them again tomorrow.

Calvin has some modeling clay. Hobbes asks what he's making. Calvin replies it's a hoof. He tells Hobbes it's going to be a life-size equestrian statue of him. Hobbes asks if it will be a new horseman of the apocalypse. Calvin is sure he's going to need more clay.

Calvin is in front of the class, preparing to read his essay "After School At My House". He starts reading about not minding being chained in the basement, but when the meat is thrown down, the rats outnumber him. Miss Wormwood stops him. That evening, Calvin hands Mom a note to attend another parent-teacher conference. Calvin tells Mom he told Miss Wormwood to expect Mom to deny everything.

Hobbes is sleeping in front of the fireplace. Suddenly, the wood in the fireplace pops. Hobbes is startled. He spins around, snarling and scratching. Hobbes angrily looks back at the fireplace. Calvin, sitting in an armchair reading a book, says that's why he's way over there.

In bed, Calvin yells for Mom. He tells her Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. Mom complains that it's two in the morning. Calvin says the first kiss didn't take. After she leaves, Hobbes grumpily thinks that kiss didn't take, either. Calvin tells him to go to sleep.

Calvin says that he's devoting himself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. He tells Hobbes no man is an island. They all need love and the support of others. As of today, his goal is to be at one with his fellow man. As he says he's going to develop and foster deep connections, he tells Hobbes to wait a minute. He makes a snowball and hits Susie with it. She chases him. Later, Calvin is head-first in the snow. He tells Hobbes he's changed his mind. People are scum. Hobbes thinks true happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.

Mom sees a night stand dumped over with a broken lamp. She yells "Who did this". In his office, Tracer Bullet hears Mom's yell. He knows he has a case. He says the sound of greenbacks slapping across his palms is music to his ears. He's not an opera critic, he's a private eye.

Tracer Bullet keeps two magnums in his desk. One is a gun he keeps loaded, the other a bottle that keeps him loaded. He's a tough guy who people don't want around when they work. They've told him so with blunt instruments. He's a phrenologist's dream come true. Snooping pays the bills, though. Especially Bill, his bookie, and Bill, his probation officer. When the tall brunette opened the door with a case for him (Mom coming into his bedroom fuming), his heart did some calisthenics and took the job.

Tracer says the dame had a case. She was the pushy type. She'd break your heart, or your arms. Mom scoots Calvin to the broken lamp. Tracer looks at the damage and figures she either has a psychotic decorator or someone ransacked the place in a big hurry. Mom asks how Calvin can explain the damage. Calvin thinks the dame was hysterical. They usually are.

Mom asks Calvin what he has to say for himself. Calvin tells Mom he's looking for clues. Tracer realizes it's all a set up. The dame wanted a patsy to pin the crime on. Calvin thinks he doesn't like the way this story is shaping up, so he's decided to write a new ending with his .45 automatic as coauthor.

Tracer introduces the dame to his friend, his gun. His friend is an eloquent speaker. Tracer fires three times, and he leaves the room. Mom has three suction darts on the wall behind her. She rolls up her sleeves. She tells Calvin he's in real trouble now. Calvin runs off.

Tracer says he just about had it figured out when the dame's hired goon jumped out. Dad lectures Calvin while Calvin thinks a symphony was playing in his head, and the acoustics were terrible. The orchestra went on a tour of his brain, and he had a season pass with front row tickets. He had figured out who trashed the living room, but since the dame wasn't his client anymore, he didn't feel he needed to divulge the information. The culprit happened to be a buddy of his, so he closed the case. Hobbes guesses they should have played outside.

Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet. There is no vegetation. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color. A huge mountain rises out of the plain. Our hero pulls up. Spiff discovers it's not a mountain at all. The whole landscape is bedding for a horrendous monster. Dad sleepily looks to see what time it is. Calvin, next to Dad in bed, says the creature appears hostile. Our hero readies a hydro bomb. Calvin has a glass of water poised to douse Dad.

Calvin approaches Mom, who's sitting on the chair. He's wearing his helmet and cape. Mom asks what's up today. Calvin replies "Nothing so far". When Mom asks what he means by so far, Calvin tells her something could happen today. As he walks away, he adds that if something does happen, he's going to be ready for it. Mom says she needs a suit like that.

Calvin tells Dad he just saw a commercial about a luxury cruise. He asks Dad why they don't take vacations like that. Dad explains vacations are a matter of comparison. He says that they spend weeks in uncomfortable tents so that living in their home seems like a luxury cruise. If his trips are unpleasant, his whole life is a vacation. Calvin goes to see Mom. He clenches his fists together and begs Mom to tell him he's adopted.

Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe math is a science, but is a religion. Calvin explains the equations are like miracles. You take two numbers, add them together, and you make one new number. No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. Calvin points to his book and says it's full of things you have to accept on faith. It's a religion. Hobbes says since it's in the public school, no less, Calvin should call a lawyer. Calvin says as a math atheist, he should be excused from this.

Hobbes cheerfully tells Calvin a cheetah can run over 60 miles per hour. He says a human can hardly do a quarter of that. Calvin replies that humans don't need to be that fast because they're smarter. Calvin goes on to ask Hobbes why cats don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs. He stops. Hobbes happily continues by saying cats see six times better than humans. Calvin grumpily kicks a rock.

Calvin is walking along when he suddenly looks back, horrified. He runs as fast as he can. Hobbes is in the air, ready to pounce on Calvin. Afterward, Hobbes brushes dust off his fur complaining the thrill of the chase is so diminished when one's prey has little legs. Calvin, lying upside down on the ground, says that he's real sorry.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing Monopoly. Hobbes lands on Chance. Hobbes reads "Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverts assets to your account. Collect $5000". Hobbes thinks he'll buy a few dozen hotels. Calvin tells him to wait until he lands on Chance. Calvin says Monopoly is more fun when you make your own Chance cards.

Calvin walks past a dripping downspout and a running storm drain. He walks by the stream. He looks at the waterfall. It's now raining. A fire truck pulls up, and the fireman sprays Calvin with the water hose. Calvin is rolling on giant water waves. Calvin wakes up with a start. He runs into the bathroom.

Calvin has a paddle-ball toy. He hits the ball a few times, then stops. The ball hangs down on the rubber band. He says he resents the manufacturer's implicit assumption that this would amuse him.

Calvin walks into the bathroom where Dad is, saying Hobbes told Calvin tigers were more perfectly evolved than humans. As Calvin opens the door, he says Hobbes told him that if there were no guns, people would be cat food. He asks Dad to tell Hobbes it isn't true. Dad is standing with his pajama bottoms, no top, toothbrush in mouth, with toothpaste foaming out. Calvin grudgingly pays Hobbes off for the bet they had made.

At the dinner table, Calvin belches. He applauds himself, saying "Author! Encore!". Mom and Dad glare at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin calls his parents Philistines.

Mom is sitting at the table, reading a paper. Calvin comes in and tells her that he isn't going to school. He informs her that he's staying at home and watching television all day. Later, sitting at his school desk, Calvin says he was apparently misinformed.

For show and tell, Calvin has one of his patent pending inventions. It's an invisible cretinizer. One shot renders the victim a babbling simp, a dolt, an utter moron. From the back of the room, one of the kids yells for Calvin to give them a break. Calvin continues by saying as Ronald proves, it's quite effective, even at long range.

Calvin is digging a hole, when Hobbes asks if he's found any dinosaur bones yet. Calvin says nope. He wishes they lived in the badlands of Montana. He says it's easier there, because erosion often exposes the bones. Calvin starts digging again, while saying here, you start digging and hope for the best. From above, we see Calvin has dug several holes in the yard. Hobbes asks if that's why he's using the systematic approach. Calvin says yes. He guesses he'll have to move a sapling.

Calvin is thirsty. He gets out of bed to go for a drink. He hears a thump. He sees eyes glowing in the dark. He runs down the stairs, yelling for help. He yells that he feels its terrible fangs. He crashes. Mom and Dad wake up and check on Calvin. They turn on the light. Dad says he was sleepwalking again. Mom tells him to go back to bed. He had a nightmare. Calvin looks to see he has Hobbes in his hands. Back in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes it's creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. Hobbes says it's so they can see people sneaking out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.

Calvin walks by Mom. Mom comments on how nice and neat he looks. Calvin says he believes in the importance of good grooming. He says he better get in the tub if he wants to be in bed on time. Mom is stunned. She yells after him "Just what are you up to".

Mom looks in the bathroom. She heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry. The toothpaste cap is on. There's no mess. Mom sees Calvin is in bed. He asks her to look over his homework tonight, so he can correct any mistakes in the morning before school. He thanks her. Later, she reads from a Child Psychology book.

Calvin wishes Mom a good morning. She is shocked to see him up and dressed. She hadn't called him. Calvin says he likes to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. With the extra time, he can review his assignments and be better prepared for class. Mom says she's bracing herself for when the other shoe drops. Calvin tells her not to get up. He'll fix his own breakfast. He asks if they have any prunes.

Calvin says he's made his bed and put his breakfast dishes away. He's off to school. Mom wishes him a good day. Calvin tells her thanks. He says he'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. Mom stands by the door, puzzled. Under his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes this is working out great. Hobbes can't believe Mom thinks that's Calvin.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's perfected his duplicator this time. He says he added an ethicator. Now, instead of a complete duplicate of him, he's made a duplicate of just his good side. The good side duplicate does all the work, and Calvin gets all the credit. At school, the good Calvin raises his hand that he knows the answer. Miss Wormwood pats his head and says since he's gotten so many, he should let someone else try one.

Hobbes reminds Calvin the last time he made a duplicate of himself, the duplicates made duplicates. It was a mess. Calvin agrees, but he says with the ethicator, it can't happen this time. By only duplicating his good side, he's ensured this duplicate won't cause any trouble. He tells Hobbes there's nothing this duplicate likes better than making everyone's life easier. He lives for it. Hobbes thinks the ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth him.

There is a paw. Calvin sits in the distance, reading a comic book. There is the top of a tiger's back. Calvin is closer, still reading. There is a top view of a tiger's body. Calvin is closer, still reading. A tiger is crouching. Calvin turns around to see Hobbes with fangs bared. Calvin is horrified, and he yells. He clutches Mom's shoulder, while she tells Dad the comic books he reads are too grim. Dad says to look at Calvin twitch. Hobbes is on the floor beneath them.

Calvin tells his duplicate that when he's done putting his toys away, he can get to work on Calvin's math assignment. Calvin says they get to do whatever they want, while goody-two-shoes does all the work. He doesn't even complain. The duplicate says "Virtue is its own reward". Reading his comic, Calvin says he doesn't complain, but his self-righteousness gets on his nerves.

The duplicate asks Susie if he can carry her books. She asks if he's going to throw them into a puddle. The duplicate says he wouldn't do that. Susie says he'd probably do something worse. She says he's not going to touch her books. The duplicate informs her that strictly speaking, he's not Calvin. He's the physical manifestation of Calvin's good side. Susie says if that was true, he'd be a lot smaller. The duplicate says he's heard that joke a lot.

The duplicate tells Calvin the nice girl down the street thinks Calvin is a total jerk. The duplicate says he offered to carry her books. Calvin can't believe it. The duplicate says she doesn't trust Calvin at all. Calvin grabs the duplicate and asks if anyone saw him. Calvin says they'll think it was him. Calvin asks if he wants to make it look like Calvin likes her. The duplicate says she seemed so upset, he took her some flowers he picked. Calvin is shocked.

Hobbes tells Calvin he hears he's pretty smooth with the ladies. Calvin tells him to knock it off. He says it's the duplicate. Calvin says he doesn't mind if the duplicate cleans his room and gets good grades. He draws the line at being nice to Susie. He asks Hobbes if the duplicate can't tell she's a girl. Hobbes informs him the duplicate has figured that out. He says he saw him cutting hearts out of construction paper. The duplicate writes "...and who could make my heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair sweet Susie".

Calvin tells Hobbes not to tell him his duplicate is writing Susie mash notes. Hobbes calls Calvin a little charmer. Calvin runs off. As dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club, his reputation is at stake. He looks in his room, but the duplicate isn't there. He says he must be on his way to Susie's house. Hobbes says he's probably getting smooches right now. Standing at Susie's door, the duplicate Calvin has handed Susie the note. Susie considers it sarcasm. She tells him if he comes to her house again, she'll clobber him.

Calvin goes to Susie's house. She says "You again". Calvin asks if he was there before. She asks if he's crazy. He was there two minutes ago. Calvin asks if he's still there. She says he's standing right there. Angrily, Calvin says anyone can see that. He wants to know if he's anywhere else. She slams the door. Walking off, Calvin asks who can fathom the feminine mind.

Susie is playing, when Calvin comes over with a bucket. Calvin is wearing a mask. Calvin starts a poem. He tells Susie please do what she's told. There is a bucket, of water, ice cold. He says to please dump in on him, not to hesitate, do it A.S.A.P. Susie looks at him, while Calvin stands with eyes closed. Susie grins evilly. Calvin walks off with the bucket on his head, dripping water. Calvin shakes his fist at Hobbes. Calvin warns him to wait until he touches the "pernicious poem place". They're playing Calvinball.

Calvin finds his duplicate. Calvin complains about the duplicate giving Susie a valentine. The duplicate says she wouldn't even accept it. He calls Calvin a jerk. Calvin calls the duplicate a namby-pamby goody-goody. The duplicate calls Calvin a self-centered, conniving brat. They fight. Hobbes asks how existential can you get.

The duplicate says he's going to fight Calvin. FFTT! He disappears. He had an evil thought. Hobbes calls it another casualty of applied metaphysics. Calvin says his ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron. He says he's a genius.

Hobbes tells Calvin he's the only person he knows whose good side is prone to badness. Calvin says that's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle Calvin. He spectralized just in time. Hobbes calls it fascinating. He reminds Calvin he'll have to do his homework himself. Calvin says since his good side is no longer a physical being, he finds him that much easier to ignore.

Dad is reading a story to Calvin. Dad says he's reached the end of chapter one. He says they'll stop there. Calvin tells him to read the whole book. Dad says there's a hundred more pages, and it's late. He says they'll read another chapter tomorrow. Calvin asks him to finish it tonight. Dad says he must really like the book. Calvin tells him he has to write a paper on it tomorrow.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's noticed that things don't bug you if you don't think about them. He says he's not going to think about anything he doesn't like, and he'll be happy all the time. Hobbes asks if that isn't a silly and irresponsible way to live. Calvin looks at the sky and says "What a pretty afternoon".

Hobbes comes out in the rain with an umbrella to ask Calvin why he's out there. Calvin stands with his arms crossed. He says he's engaged in a contest of wills. It's him against nature. He raises his fists and asks which one is going to give up first. Will nature give up and stop raining, or will he give up and go inside. He says he's determined to win. There is a big KABOOM! Hobbes is startled. Calvin yells to the skies that the big noise doesn't scare him. He's not going in. Hobbes does go in. Calvin says the poor guy couldn't stand the suspense.

Prehistoric beasts look up. A tyrannosaurus roars. Calvin makes a terrible face, snorts and growls. His classmates all look at him. He says he's sorry. He had a little sinus congestion. He puts his face in his hands and sighs.

Calvin tells Mom that as of today, he will no longer respond to the name "Calvin". He wishes to be addressed as "Calvin the Bold". He says that's the new name for the rest of his life. She asks how about Calvin the Deranged. Calvin tells her that Calvin the Bold will begin referring to himself in the third person.

Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to do the next problem. He just sits there. She asks him again. Calvin turns around, wondering who she's talking to. Miss Wormwood yells that she wants him. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood that Calvin the Bold demands he be addressed by his full title for any response. In the principal's office, he asks Calvin if he's back again. Calvin looks around, wondering who he's talking to.

Dad sits on his chair and calls Calvin the Bold. Calvin runs in. Dad tells him to kneel. Calvin does. Dad says that by the finite patience vested in him, he hereby dubs Calvin "Mud". He tells Calvin to rise. Calvin realizes his name is mud. He walks off, grumbling that Mr. Subtlety drives home another point.

In bed at night, Calvin yells for Mom. When she comes to his room, he asks how ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce. He asks if they're attracted to each other. She yells that it's 3 AM. She tells him to go to sleep. Later, Calvin wonders how people are attracted to each other. Hobbes bets that's why they close their eyes when they smooch.

Calvin complains the toaster ruined his toast. He says it didn't cook enough the first time, so he pushed it down again. Now one side's burned, and the other is hardly singed. Dad tells him that yet..somehow..life goes on. Calvin looks at his toast. He says beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster.

Calvin is watching television. Dad says before there was television, kids actually did things on nice days. Calvin tells him times sure change. Dad tosses Calvin out the door. As he and Hobbes walk in the woods, Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever noticed Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about.

Looking at the evening sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's clear nights like that when you realize how incomprehensibly vast the universe really is. He wonders what early man must've thought as he watched the skies. Calvin says he'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding. He asks Hobbes to imagine how big and mysterious the night would have seemed. He bets he'd feel fragile and afraid. He turns to see Hobbes is gone. He looks around for anybody. In the night, he sees eyes looking at him. He is frightened. WUMP! Hobbes holds Calvin to the ground. Hobbes says that's what he felt like. Saber-tooth tiger food. Calvin says from now on, he's staying inside at night and watching TV.

Calvin is on a swing. He asks Hobbes to pull him back. More...more...more... Hobbes pulls the swing so far back Calvin slides off the seat and is holding on the swing ropes and dangling in the air. He tells Hobbes to hold it.

On a sidewalk, Calvin tells Hobbes to say life is the square of the sidewalk. They're born at one crack, and they die at the other. Now they find themselves somewhere inside the square, in the process of walking out of it. Suddenly, they realize their time in the square is fleeting. Is their experience pointless? Does anything they do or say really matter? Have they done anything important? Have they made the most of their precious few footsteps? That night, they are still standing on the sidewalk looking at the square.

Mom is shocked to see Calvin hitting rocks in the house. The lamp is broken, and Calvin is holding a bat. She angrily yells what on earth would make him do something like that. Calvin suggests poor genetic material. In bed, he decides that was a bad guess.

At lunch, Calvin asks Susie if she wants to see a great idea in action. He drinks half the milk in his Thermos. He wads the rest of his lunch inside the Thermos. He puts in his jelly sandwich and his banana. He lets it soak for a minute, then he shakes it into sludge. He says the stomach doesn't know the difference, and it saves his teeth undue wear and tear. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says nobody likes his great ideas in action.

Calvin says he's had a pretty good life so far. In looking back, he only has one regret. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin tells him he regret he wasn't born with opposable toes.

Calvin has a bat and tosses a baseball into the air. As it falls, he swings and misses. He walks off. He returns with a beachball.

A pile of green dinner plops onto Calvin's plate. Calvin says his parents must've taken out an insurance policy on him. He sighs. He starts to shape it. He adds some lettuce and some cereal. He keeps working on it. He turns it around and makes a face. The food is shaped into a monster, with cereal teeth and lettuce hair, that seems to bite Calvin. Dad stares at Calvin. Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate.

Calvin calls the meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order with a poem. He's dictator-for-life, ruler supreme, fearless, brave, and held high in esteem. Calvin the Bold, stand up and hail. His humbleness now, may his wisdom prevail. Hobbes joins in, as first tiger and el presidente. He's the delight of all cognoscenti. He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do. He's a leader with taste, whose views must be embraced. Calvin says you can tell this is a great club by the way they start their meetings.

Calvin calls for the G.R.O.S.S. financial report. Hobbes says they didn't sing the anthem. Calvin says they'll sing it at the end of the meeting. Hobbes wants to sing it now. Calvin tells him they can't. They have to follow protocol. Hobbes starts singing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. Calvin calls Hobbes an anarchist.

Calvin gives two demerits for singing the anthem before it was on the agenda. Hobbes gives Calvin demerits for not taking his hat off during its hallowed refrain. Calvin tells him he outranks Hobbes and can't be given demerits. Hobbes says Calvin's duties are ceremonial. He has all the real responsibilities. Calvin yells that he has ten times the importance of a lowly first tiger. A million times. Hobbes asks why, if he's so important, does Calvin sing the soprano part of the anthem. Calvin angrily says that's only until his voice changes.

Calvin demotes Hobbes to "Club Mascot". Hobbes says Calvin can be the "Club Chowder Head", because he quits. He says he'll form his own club. Calvin bets his club won't have a cool acronym for a name. Hobbes tells Calvin his club is called C.A.D. Calvin asks what that stands for. Hobbes tells him "Calvin's A Dope".

Calvin changes his club name to "Hobbes is a Mangy Flea-Ridden Furball". Hobbes declares war on Calvin's club. Hobbes says he'll have maps and secret codes. Calvin says he'll have them too, and his will be better than Hobbes'. Hobbes says he's going to write himself a message in code right now. It will say "Calvin smells like a baboon". Calvin says he's broken the code already, and he does not.

Calvin and Hobbes are fighting in the treehouse. Hobbes says his club dedicates itself to the destruction of Calvin's club. Calvin says it's a battle to the finish. They keep arguing with themselves while Susie walks up to the tree. She yells up to Calvin, asking who he's yelling at. Calvin tells Hobbes to be quiet, it's Susie.

Hobbes stretches himself. He arches his back. He runs off. Hobbes is poised on the stairs. Calvin opens the door and yells that he's home. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. Hobbes says if Calvin aches, it's because he didn't properly stretch before exercising. Getting up from the ground, Calvin yells that he didn't know he was going to be exercising.

Calvin tells Hobbes to pass the bag of rotten apples they've been saving. Susie is right below them. Hobbes asks about their war. Calvin tells Hobbes all charges are dropped. He's back in Calvin's club. Hobbes wants a promotion first. Hurriedly, Calvin tells him it's his. He tells Hobbes to give him the mushy apples. Susie asks what mushy apples. She asks again who he's talking to. Calvin tells her not to move.

Calvin throws apples at Susie while she runs off. Calvin declares their club a success. Hobbes thinks she's telling on them. Calvin says it was worth it. It was perfect. He tells Hobbes it's something they'll look back on with pride in their declining years.

Mom says Susie told her he was throwing mushy apples at her. Calvin says they were getting rid of slimy girls. That's their club. Mom says he better stop it. She tells him to come inside. As Calvin climbs down the rope, he says you can tell this is a great club because they always get in trouble following their charter.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's heard people say you should stop and smell the roses. He says he did. He says they smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers. It was the most mundane experience he's had. He says he doesn't have time for that nonsense. He's a busy guy. He says the last thing he needs to do is stand around with his nose in some silly plant. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he's glad he somehow found the time for this edifying conversation. Calvin looks at his watch and says he's going to have to wrap it up. His TV show is about to start.

Calvin runs along howling. He keeps running, making different sounds. He runs to Mom while still making noise. He tells Mom that's his siren so she knows he's coming. Mom replies kids don't need sirens.

Riding down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says they say the secret of success is being in the right place at the right time. Since you never know when the right time is going to be, he figures the trick is to find the right place, then just hang around. Hobbes comments that being with Calvin is just one epiphany after another. Calvin says if the right place is in front of the drug store, they could read comic books while they wait.

Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes the whole notion of instant gratification is a myth. He says he never gets what he wants. He complains how long it's taken to be six years old. He asks Hobbes when he gets to drive and see violent movies. He wants to know why he has to wait until he's older. Calvin says people say life's a journey, but he says he's tired of wasting his precious time in transit. He says he's a busy guy and has places to be. They hit a rock and fall into the snow. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says that was quick.

Calvin tells Hobbes when a kid grows up, he has to be something. He can't stay the way he is. He says a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. He asks Hobbes why. Hobbes says there's no room for improvement. As they walk off, Calvin says of all the luck, his parents had to be humans. Hobbes tells him not to take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.

Calvin rolls a big snowball. He's making a snowman. The snowman has its mouth open, with stick arms. Calvin lays inside the mouth of the snowman. Susie walks by. She says it's no surprise nobody's sold a house on this street for six years.

Calvin tells Hobbes he tries to make television watching a complete forfeiture of experience. He keeps his jaw slack, tries not to swallow so he drools, and keeps his eyes half-focused. He takes passive entertainment and extends it to his entire being. He's utterly inert. Hobbes walks away and says he's going before Calvin starts attracting flies.

Calvin looks at the hillside. He starts building something in the snow. Later, Dad walks by and looks at the hillside. It appears a giant head is peeking over the hill down at him.

Calvin shouts that his head has gotten twisted around. He's facing backward. He looks down at his shirt, whose tag he can read. He lifts his shirt and sees his belly button. He realizes he must have his shirt on backward. He tells Mom, who's reading the newspaper at the table, that he's got his head on straight after all. Mom says she wouldn't go that far.

Susie sits in the snow. She comes upon a rope hanging from a tree. The rope has a note saying "pull". Susie looks up into the tree. She yells to Calvin that it was a nice try. Calvin, up in the tree with a pail of snowballs attached to the rope, says "darn".

A dinosaur poem. The great tyrannosaur lived many years ago, and he epitomized the concept of the killer carnivore. The monster came to town this morning. He lunged into the crowd, and people ran screaming. They tried to get away. People were trampled. Two boys dawdled by the candy shop and were devoured. A camera crew arrived to give a live report. They failed, because they did not live. The menace ate his fill and stomped away. Calvin walks behind Mom's chair, growling and snarling while walking like a dinosaur. The poem ends that no one knows where the next tyrannosaur will be found....except Calvin.

Hobbes asks if Calvin shouldn't be doing his homework. Calvin replies he quit doing it. It's bad for his self-esteem. Calvin says it sends the message he doesn't know enough. He feels bad if he doesn't get the right answer. As he rolls a snowball, Calvin says instead of trying to learn, he's concentrating on liking himself just the way he is. Hobbes asks if his self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus. Calvin says they should call it "informationally impaired".

As they roll two snowballs, Calvin tells Hobbes they shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about themselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. Calvin says he stopped doing homework because he's fine just the way he is. Hobbes asks if the secret to good self-esteem is to lower expectations to the point they're already met. Calvin says he's right. They should take pride in their mediocrity. Calvin looks at the snowman they made with only two snowballs. He says the snowman is good enough.

Calvin complains Dad made him do his homework. Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said when Calvin gets older, he'll discover there are few pleasures greater than learning. Calvin told him he'll learn when he's older. Dad replied if he didn't study now, this would be as old as he'd get. Hobbes tells him it sounds like he learned something already.

Calvin tells Hobbes Mom and Dad drive him crazy. They don't understand each other. Calvin says he's related to people he doesn't relate to.

At the top of the hill, toboggan ready to go, Calvin tells Hobbes they're peering down the dizzying depths of Doom Drop. Do they turn around and retreat to the security of hearth and home, or do they brave the descent, risk demise, and experience the flood of sensation. Calvin turns around to find Hobbes gone. Later, at home in front of the fireplace, Hobbes is lying on the floor. He tells Calvin he thought the question was rhetorical. Calvin says it was, the other way.

Calvin gives Dad the results of his latest poll. Calvin says Dad has a high name-recognition factor. Sadly, that recognition is due to the fact Dad's policies are universally deplored. Calvin says there is talk about voting him out of office and making Mom "Dad". Dad asks Mom what she knows about this. Mom says her first act will be to make Dad do the cooking. Calvin hastily says that changes everything.

Calvin tells Hobbes there's no pride in craftsmanship anymore. Calvin explains most kids just mush a bunch of snow together to make a snowball. There's no time for aesthetics. But when he makes a snowball, it's a work of art. He looks at the snow and says it's a bit too powdery. It won't sting properly. He prefers a wetter snow. Something that will knock the wind out of the recipient. How much loose rubble is acceptable before it affects aerodynamics? Calvin says no one thinks of these things. It's a lost tradition. His snowballs are unique masterpieces. Calvin winds up and yells to Susie. She whirls around and hits Calvin with four snowballs. Lying on the snow, Calvin says it's a crass culture. Hobbes says artists always suffer.

Calvin tells Mom that Dad's calling her. She leaves her chair. Mom comes back. Calvin acts surprised that Dad wasn't calling her. He had put Hobbes on the chair. He tells Mom that Hobbes took her chair. Mom leaves, and Hobbes tells Calvin that he likes his chairs pre-warmed.

Calvin is building snowmen. As Dad gets home and comes up the walkway, there is a line of snowmen with stick arms saluting him. Dad says Calvin knows he hates this.

Calvin shows Hobbes his snow sculpture "Bourgeois Buffoon". He says Mom rejected his grant application to continue making them. Hobbes asks why Calvin needs a grant. Calvin says he's on the cutting edge of art. His work deserves public support. Hobbes asks what happens if the public doesn't like his work. Calvin explains they're not supposed to like it . He's criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate his art. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin will take their money. Calvin asks if Hobbes expects him to suffer.

Hobbes tells Calvin his latest snowman doesn't look avant-garde. It looks like a regular snowman with a pipe, hat, and shovel in its hand. Calvin says this is his new art movement, "neo-regionalism". He's appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple rural values of America 50 years ago. Calvin figures the public will love it, and he'll make a fortune. Hobbes asks how that's avant-garde. Calvin tells him it's secretly ironic.

Calvin tells Dad he concluded nothing bad he does is his fault. Calvin says he's the helpless victim of countless bad influences. Culture panders to his undeveloped values and pushes him to maleficence. He takes no responsibility for his actions. It's society's fault. Dad tells him he needs to build more character. He tells Calvin to shovel the walk. Outside, Calvin laments these discussions never go where they're supposed to.

Calvin yells that he can see Hobbes with a snowball. He taunts Hobbes to throw it. He says Hobbes couldn't hit the side of a barn. POW! Lying on his back in the snow, Calvin tells Hobbes he couldn't have done that if Calvin hadn't boosted his adrenaline by taunting him.

Calvin says that it seems the only time people go outside is to walk to their cars. He wonders if they're so sheltered and comfortable that they've lost touch with the natural world. Calvin asks Hobbes, as a wild animal close to nature, what they're put on earth to do. What is their purpose in life? Hobbes says they're here to devour each other alive. Calvin stands there. Inside the house, he's turning on the lights and turning up the heat.