Calvin is off to check his tiger trap. Since Calvin baited it with a tuna fish sandwich, he's sure he'll have caught a tiger. Calvin tells his Dad that tigers will do anything for tuna fish. Hobbes, hanging by his foot in the trap, says tigers are kind of stupid that way.

Calvin asks Dad what he should do when he catches a tiger. Perturbed, Dad replies Calvin should bring it home and stuff it. Hobbes, sitting in the kitchen, tells Calvin (who's looking for more food in the refrigerator) he can't eat another bite.

Dad yells at Calvin to go to sleep and to quit making noise. Calvin blames Hobbes for jumping on the bed. Dad says Hobbes was not jumping on the bed, and that Calvin should go to sleep. Calvin tells Hobbes that he was the one jumping on the bed. Hobbes says Calvin was the one playing the cymbals.

Dad tells Calvin good night. As he's leaving, Calvin asks if he isn't going to say good night to Hobbes. Dad does so. Hobbes complains about there being no story or smooch. Calvin calls Hobbes a sissy and tells him to go to bed.

Calvin looks at his dinner plate and asks Dad what it is. Dad replies Calvin should taste it, he'll like it. Calvin thinks you know you'll hate it when they won't tell you what it is.

Calvin asks Dad to check under the bed for monsters, which he does. Then, he asks to have the dresser checked. Dad refuses. Calvin is sure that's where the monsters will be hiding, and that they'll come out when Calvin goes to sleep. Calvin decides to be proactive by arming himself with a suction dart gun and giving Hobbes a horn. The plan is to irritate the monsters by honking the horn, then shooting them. As they execute their plan, a monster comes in the door. Dad, with several suction darts sticking to him, asks Mom to come upstairs. Calvin is heard saying he was going to finish off the monster when he found his baseball bat.

Calvin says dinner smells like bat barf. Dad sends him to his room. Mom thinks that might be a bit harsh, but Dad holds firm. Dad says Calvin needs to learn manners. He also says Calvin won't starve. Calvin and Hobbes are seen on the telephone ordering extra pepperoni.

Calvin is placed into the tub for a bath. He can't believe his parents would do that to him. Suddenly, a suds monster rises from the tub and attacks Calvin. As the battle goes on, Mom yells up to Calvin to quiet down. Calvin gets the best of the suds monster and sends the fiend to his death. As Mom comments to Dad about Calvin letting the water out already, Calvin walks by naked and tells her to believe it.

Dad is informed his poll scores are low, especially with 6-year-olds. Dad will have to adopt some key planks to keep his position. Dad comments that some special interest groups are going to be in for a surprise.

Dad comes into the bedroom yelling that Calvin is making too much noise and is supposed to be asleep. Calvin replies he's hitting monsters under the bed. He's using a baseball bat. Dad shows Calvin he's mistaken by pulling Hobbes out from under the bed. Calvin says it's a good thing he occasionally missed with the bat. Hobbes agrees and asks to see the bat for a minute.

Calvin notices there isn't a stocking over the fireplace for Hobbes. Calvin asks where Santa will put Hobbes' loot if there is no stocking. Mom assures Calvin she'll make a stocking for Hobbes. Mom looks over at Dad and asks about Hobbes' loot. Dad says not to look at him, he's done shopping.

Calvin is sitting at the table with a bowl of oatmeal. Mom tells Calvin to eat the oatmeal, not play with it. The oatmeal jumps out of its bowl and bounces around the table. Calvin stabs at it while yelling "death to oatmeal". He chases the vile glop around. Mom comes to the kitchen and sees the mess. Mom then yells at Dad. She says it's Dad's fault they didn't have a sweet girl. It's his chromosome that was the problem. Dad watches Mom go off, sits back into his chair and says he just lives there.

Calvin is at the dinner table and refuses to eat the green stuff. Dad replies that it's toxic waste that will turn him into a mutant if he eats it. Calvin devours the meal. Mom says there has to be a better way to get him to eat.

Calvin comes into the living room asking Dad why he lives there with Mom instead of in an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates. Dad looks up with eyes wide open. Calvin trudges off grumbling about how you ask a simple question, and you get your television privileges revoked.

Calvin, the werewolf, looks for a human sacrifice. He trudges past Dad, mouth hanging open, saying hi, and Dad replies back. Then, Dad yells for Calvin to stop drooling.

Calvin points the remote control at the TV set, clicks it, and the TV goes off. Smiling, Calvin walks to the living room where Dad is sitting. Calvin points the remote control at Dad, clicks it, and says "rats" when nothing happens.

Calvin asks Dad what this disgusting slimy blob on his plate is. Dad replies that he should try it. Calvin wants to know what if he does try it and doesn't like it. Dad replies that if that happens he will build character. As Calvin peeks over his dinner plate, he comments on how Dad is always looking out for him.

Calvin informs Dad that his poll results took a dive. In particular, the "Overall Dad Performance" rating is especially low. The polls show Dad's drop started the day before. Dad yells that Calvin didn't get dessert the day before because he flooded the house. Calvin walks off, suggesting a new line of work for "Dad".

Dad is trying to read Calvin the story of "Little Red Riding Hood". Calvin keeps changing the wolf to a tiger. As Dad gets to the part about the hunter shooting the wolf (or tiger in this story), he changes his mind. He says the tiger pounces on the hunter and Little Red Riding Hood, eating them and living happily ever after. Calvin thanks Dad for the good story as Hobbes tries to hold back tears.

Calvin is taking a bath. He worries he might drown with no one there to rescue him, so he brings Hobbes into the tub. Hobbes disguises himself with bubbles, then Calvin gets one of Dad's hats for Hobbes to wear. As Calvin goes off to get a tie to add to the disguise, Hobbes tells him to hurry because Mom is coming. As Calvin walks naked behind Dad, who's reading a book, we hear Mom yelling at Dad for taking a bath in his best hat.

In the middle of the night, Mom and Dad awake to Calvin yelling for Mom. He yells that he's thirsty. Mom dutifully stumbles off to take care of things. She gives Calvin a cup, to which he questions if this is just water.

Dad lets Calvin out of the car, but tells Calvin to leave Hobbes inside. Calvin tries to convince Dad to let Hobbes come, but Dad says no. Calvin asks for the window to be left open to give Hobbes some air. As they walk off, Hobbes asks Calvin to see if Dad will leave the keys so Hobbes can listen to the radio.

Dad informs Calvin that he and Mom have decided Calvin should have an allowance. With that, he will learn the value of money. Calvin hunches over, rubs his hands together, and rants that he's rich, can buy off anyone, and that the world is his. As Calvin continues to rant about power, prestige, and being free, Dad yells to Mom that he blew it again.

Calvin thinks it's time to have a new Dad. He asks when Dad's term runs out. Dad informs Calvin that he's been appointed for life. Calvin laments about a recall vote or an impeachment. Dad says there are no provisions for either one. Calvin asks if Dad wrote that constitution himself. Dad adds that Mom helped with it, also.

Mom hangs up the phone and says she can't find a baby-sitter anywhere. Dad suggests that since they will only be gone a couple hours, they can leave Calvin unsupervised. They both break out laughing. As both of them wipe tears of laughter away, they ask seriously, what they should do.

Mom and Dad come home and note the house is still standing. They figure Calvin has gone to bed. Since his light is still on, Mom enters the bedroom. A bucket of water falls down on her head. She wants to know if Calvin watched a scary movie. Huddled under his covers, he says no. But he adds that Mom shouldn't come in because the rug is rigged, also.

Calvin comes to Dad looking for reassurance that he's loved. Dad tells him yes. Calvin wonders if that would be true if he did something bad, something really, really bad. Suspicious, Dad wants to know what Calvin has done.

Calvin informs Dad his poll results are high and that Dad's political stock could reach a record high with a little push. Dad tells Calvin to go help Mom with the dishes. Calvin laments the political suicide of Dad's decision.

Calvin stops Dad from bringing his car into the garage. Calvin says Dad needs to give him a quarter before entering. Dad asks why he should pay to put his car into his garage. Calvin informs him that if he doesn't, the garage door will be brought down onto the car. Calvin, sitting on his bed, comments that Dad is a cheapskate.

Hobbes is hanging in a tree, lowering a rope. Calvin thanks him for helping put up the tire swing. Hobbes wonders where he got such a nice tire. Dad, standing in his garage, is next to his jacked-up car with one tire missing.

Calvin asks to be dismissed from the dinner table. Mom wants him to finish his salmon. Calvin wants to bring the supper to his room while he studies, and Mom consents. Calvin happily gives Hobbes the salmon and asks how the homework is coming. Hobbes is having a bit of a problem with a subtraction problem, so he answers "Atlanta, Georgia".

Calvin asks Dad if he will buy him a flamethrower. Dad tells Calvin not to be silly. Calvin fumes, then asks Dad if he'll buy it if Calvin doesn't use it in the house.

Calvin believes there is a boy in communist Russia who has only known censorship and oppression. He believes this boy may have heard of America, where you can live in a land of freedom and opportunity. Calvin would like to meet that little boy.....and tell him the awful truth. Dad tells him to be quiet and to eat his lima beans.

Calvin poses a moral question to Hobbes. If Calvin did something bad, would he have to tell Dad about it? Hobbes questions him about how bad a thing it was. Calvin hypothetically might have done something really bad to the car. Hobbes probes about how easily the car could be fixed. Calvin figures if he could find the car, it could be fixed. Given all that, Hobbes grabs a suitcase as Calvin brushes up on his Spanish with "I am el fugitivo".

Calvin pleads to Dad that he wants to stay up late. After all, he can. Calvin says it's not fair. Dad acknowledges that life isn't fair. Calvin wants life to be unfair in his favor.

Everyone is going out to dinner. Calvin is taking a bath, while Hobbes uses Dad's cologne, wears a tie and sport coat, looking like something out of "GQ". As they're sitting at the restaurant, with Hobbes in a chair of his own, Dad is wondering how he got talked into this. Calvin is asking the waitress for the wine list.

Mom and Dad are talking about the $200 contractor bill. Mom offers that it's all part of raising a child. She then asks Dad if he's sorry they had Calvin. He asks her the same thing. Mom won't answer since she asked first. She suggests it wasn't all her decision. Dad counters with his remembering his original offer to buy a dachshund, but she didn't want that.

Calvin, the human insect, walks across the table. With his insect strength, he places a pea on the end of a spoon. He climbs atop the other end. Calvin launches the pea off his spoon as Dad yells at him to stop that.

Calvin, still a human insect, takes ten minutes to walk across the book's page. He slowly lifts the gigantic page. He then has a ten minute walk back across the turned page. Dad comments Calvin has been quiet for twenty minutes. Mom reminds him Calvin is doing his homework.

Mom thanks Rosalyn for baby-sitting. Rosalyn says Calvin was no trouble. Dad offers to drive Rosalyn home. They say their good nights. As Dad drives home, Calvin pops out of the back seat asking if she's gone.

The baby sitter arrives as Mom and Dad are going out. Calvin declares that she isn't his Mom, so he doesn't have to pay attention to her. Calvin will do whatever he wants to, so he tells her to stay out of the way. The baby sitter shows Calvin a list of emergency phone numbers that was left. She warns him about him not wanting her to call any of those numbers. Calvin says it's 6:30, so he'll turn in. The baby sitter says for eight bucks a night, she doesn't put up with much.

The crocodile floats on the water. It appears to be a harmless log. A hippopotamus approaches. Calvin is floating toward Dad as he stands in the pool. Closer...closer.

Calvin complains about the smell of dinner cooking. Mom tells him she's stewing some monkey heads, and they'll be soggy enough to eat in twenty minutes. Calvin ponders whether or not they're really monkey heads. He decides to try them. At the dinner table, Calvin is overjoyed to be eating. He wonders if he has some brains or nose on his plate. He didn't think they'd be so rubbery. Dad thought these were stuffed peppers. He refuses to eat dinner as Mom covers her face with her hand.

Dad shows Calvin a magic trick. He pulls a dime out of Calvin's ear. Calvin gives a sinister expression. Hobbes is holding Calvin upside down shaking him. Hobbes wants to know if anything has happened yet. Calvin replies nothing but a bloody nose.

Calvin comes into his parents' bedroom wishing Dad a Happy Father's Day. Calvin tells him that today, he will live by Dad's principles of fatherly wisdom. Unfortunately, it's five o'clock in the morning. Calvin reminds Dad about early to bed, early to rise. Calvin tells Dad he would have bought him a present, but a penny saved is a penny earned. Since Calvin is getting interest on the money he isn't spending, Calvin is a happier, better person from Dad's teachings. Mom grumbles "Good work, Socrates" to Dad. Dad comments that he knew they made a mistake when he saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital bassinet.

Dad yells to Calvin to hurry up. They have a 7:00 reservation. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes along. Dad explains that Hobbes would probably eat someone at the restaurant, so he can't come along. Calvin tells Hobbes that he probably would do that. Hobbes acknowledges he can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.

Hobbes places the end of the toilet paper roll into the toilet, and Calvin tells him to flush it. As they flush it, toilet paper unrolls into the drain. Calvin and Hobbes heartily laugh. They decide to do it again. Downstairs, Mom tells Dad she doesn't want to know what Calvin's doing. Dad says he doesn't either, so off they go to check.

Calvin complains that everyone has cable TV or a VCR. He rants on about having to watch summer repeats. Dad comments on how cruelly mistreated Calvin is. In his room, Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad gave him a copy of "Oliver Twist" so that he could identify with it. Hobbes is upset because "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable.

Dad is trying to concentrate on his driving. There's lots of traffic around. Calvin and Hobbes start making faces at each other, trying to get each other to laugh. As they're laughing, Dad turns around and yells at them that he told them to be quiet. Calvin says that they were having a weird face contest, but that fit's over. Dad won.

Dad pokes his head into Calvin's bedroom and wonders what all the ruckus is about. He sees feathers in the room. He asks Calvin whether he's tearing up pillows. Calvin clarifies that a herd of ducks flew in the window, molted, and left when Dad came in. After Dad leaves, Hobbes angrily notes there's no dessert for a week due to the bogus alibi. Calvin retorts that Hobbes wasn't offering any brainstorms.

The family has gone to the beach for a getaway. Calvin and Hobbes run across the sand. They yelp with pain from the hot sand. Finally, they reach the water and jump in. And right out they come, yelping with pain from the cold of the water. Then, they again yelp with pain from the hot sand as they return to the car. As Dad points to Calvin and Hobbes sitting in the car, Dad tells Mom they haven't driven an hour and a half for this.

From the back seat of the car, Calvin asks Mom and Dad when they'll be at the vacation spot. Calvin is told it's an eight-hour drive and they haven't left the state yet. They tell him to relax. Calvin looks out the window. He asks how much longer now. Mom and Dad both say "I told you we should have flown".

Still on their trip, Dad points out there is a restaurant coming up. He asks if anyone wants to stop. Calvin replies "only if they have hamburgers". Dad rails about how all they've eaten on the trip are hamburgers. He wants to eat something else for once. Calvin breaks out into singing "ten million bottles of beer on the wall". Dad gives up and tells Calvin they're stopping at a hamburger joint.

Calvin tells Dad he needs to go to the bathroom. Dad mentions they've just left the restaurant. He wants Calvin to think of something else. Calvin can only think of Niagara Falls, Hoover Dam, Noah's Ark. Suddenly, Mom decides she needs to go, as well. As Dad sits in the car at the gas station, he thinks he'll take a vacation by himself next year.

They finally arrive. Dad is rehashing the excruciating trip. Eight hours with a hyperactive six-year-old. At their lakeside campground, Dad says Calvin can run around and scream all he wants. Calvin promptly tells Dad that he's bored. Dad puts his arm around Calvin and offers to show Calvin how an anchor works.

Dad gets up in the morning to greet the sunrise. He's happy to have an early swim and a morning on the boat. By 9:00, he's back with the fish he's caught for breakfast. As he comes to the table with his cooked fish, Mom is huddled over a cup of coffee. She tells him to eat his dead animals, she wants coffee. Calvin wonders why there isn't any TV in the camp.

Calvin catches a fish and proudly shows Dad. Dad comments on what a big fish it is, and that he'll show Calvin how to clean it so they can have it for dinner. Calvin has never heard of cleaning fish, so Dad explains that you cut off its head and gut it. At the dinner table, Calvin is helping himself to another cheese sandwich. He happily comments on their being no bones in them.

Calvin asks Dad if he's off to work. Calvin tells him it's a shame that he's on summer vacation and can stay home doing whatever he wants to. He sends Dad off to join the rat race, reminding him that he and Mom are racking up lots of expenses. Calvin explains that he does that so Dad appreciates the weekends more.

Dad tells Calvin not to make faces at the dinner table. Calvin tells him about what Mom had said and indicates his face is now frozen like that. Dad tells him it isn't, but Calvin says he's now horribly disfigured for life. After Dad tells him he isn't, Calvin says he won't spoil dinner. He puts on a hooded mask and says he's like the elephant man.

Dad is preparing a cookout, and Calvin asks if the coals are hot. Dad tells him yes, that he's about ready to put on the hamburgers. Calvin asks if, before putting the burgers on, Dad can toss in a can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball. Calvin laments that he has the most boring Dad in the world.

Calvin wants Hobbes to help him test the theory of relativity. He says the faster he goes, the slower time goes. So Hobbes pushes him down the hill in the wagon. Hobbes climbs aboard and keeps the time. Faster and faster they go, but time continues. Finally, as they fly off the side of the hill, Calvin asks if time has stopped. Hobbes replies no, but that his heart has. As they lie smashed into the ground, Calvin declares Einstein a fraud. Hobbes says no, because his clock has stopped.

Calvin yells that he wants Dad to read him a bedtime story. Dad begs off until tomorrow. Calvin replies he won't go to bed without a story. Dad gives him a very brief story dealing with a little boy who always wanted things his way and who gets locked in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. Calvin doesn't like those stories with morals.

Calvin and Hobbes are bickering in bed. Calvin wants Hobbes to move over. Hobbes wants Calvin to give him some covers. Dad angrily yells for them to be quiet and go to sleep. They both stop for a second. Then, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said to move over and give back the covers. Hobbes tells Calvin that isn't what Dad said, and that Calvin stole his pillow.

Calvin warns Dad about his slipping poll numbers. Dad informs him it's not an elected position, so he doesn't have to respond to polls. Calvin asks if that means Dad can rule with dictatorial impunity. Dad says yes. Calvin surmises open revolt and exile is the only hope for change. Dad doesn't like the direction the conversation is taking.

Calvin finds he's immune to the laws of gravity. He tries to hold on, but he loses his grip. Up into the sky he falls. Higher and higher he goes, until he grasps the tailfin of a passing jet. Dad wants him to continue with his story after he lands in Phoenix. Mom says she will not sew velcro on the outside of all Calvin's clothes.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for pizza. Mom tells him they had pizza last night, and that it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Calvin asks if she'd rather spend the night cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks. As they sit in the pizza restaurant, Dad notices they seem to go out for pizza a lot these days. Mom comments that he's welcome to make a dish of cereal at home, if he'd prefer.

In bed, Calvin asks whether there are any monsters under his bed. No answer. He tells Hobbes to watch over the edge of the bed. Calvin tries fooling the monsters by saying he's getting a little plump. He says he's bigger, yet nice and lean. Hobbes looks down to the floor. Something under the bed is drooling. Calvin starts tying sheets together to go out the window.

Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks Dad if he could pick up some topsoil and grass seed on his way home. Dad agrees. Calvin walks off with a pick and shovel over his shoulder, dirt all over him. Dad sits frozen with his hand on the telephone after hanging up.

The family is walking home from getting ice cream. Calvin wants Hobbes to pull him in the wagon. Hobbes refuses, since he didn't get any ice cream. Calvin complains that tigers don't like ice cream. Hobbes still refuses to pull the wagon. Calvin calls Hobbes fuzz brain and he, too, refuses to pull the wagon. They both sit there. Dad laments their walks always become rides. Mom tells him he needs the exercise anyway.

Calvin explains to Dad what a day he's had. He went to school, played outside, did homework. He asks Dad the time. After Dad tells him, Calvin heads off declaring "It's Miller time".

The tyrannosaurus lumbers through the valley. He's a walking death machine. Only one other creature dares challenge him, the saber-toothed tiger. Hobbes is peacefully sleeping. He rolls from side-to-side while Calvin awaits with mouth open. Finally, Calvin yells for Hobbes to wake up. The meek tyrannosaurus, victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the valley.

Calvin shows Hobbes what you can do with big socks. He puts them over his ears, one over his nose. An elephant. Hobbes wants to join in on the fun. Dad is standing by his dresser with no socks on. He yells that if he misses the bus, it's going to be unpleasant around there.

Calvin tells Dad that he's decided he wants to be a millionaire when he grows up. Dad tells him he'll need to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. Calvin disagrees by saying he won't, Dad will. Calvin tells him he wants to inherit it.

Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad likes Halloween as much as they do. Hobbes asks if Dad is taking them trick-or-treating. Calvin replies that Mom is. Hobbes asks if Dad is staying home to give out candy. Calvin tells him Dad is going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose to drench potential T.P.ers.

Calvin is taking a bath, playing with a paper ship. He pretends it's an aircraft carrier. He states the ship is virtually unsinkable. Hobbes knows what can sink it, a cannonball depth charge. He jumps into the tub and PFOOM! Calvin, and all the water in the tub, flies out onto the floor. Calvin tells Hobbes to refill the tub so they can do it again. Dad notices the waterfall coming down the stairs. He says he's going upstairs to see what her son is up to.

Dad says that since Mom is sick, he will make dinner. Calvin didn't know Dad could cook. Dad proudly declares that he survived two years of his own cooking when he had an apartment after college. Calvin reminds him Mom said he ate frozen waffles and had canned soup three meals a day. Dad replies that Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. He also asks Calvin to get the syrup out.

Calvin wants to know if Dad is coming to the play. Dad says he'll probably be at work. Calvin tells him it will be great drama. Dad asks Calvin to read his line now. Calvin starts, then forgets. He starts again, then forgets. Dad figures with 25 kids in food suits forgetting their lines, he'll definitely be at work.

Dad goes into the store, leaving Calvin and Hobbes in the car. They hide under a blanket, putting a bag on top of themselves, so Dad will think they've run away. Dad comes back out to the car, seeing that they're hiding. He says he wonders where they are. He says it's his chance to get away before they come back. He says Mom will be glad when she hears he's lost them. Calvin pops up saying Mom won't be glad. He calls Dad a sicko and says he's ruining Dad's getaway.

Calvin asks how they know the load limits on bridges. Dad tells him they keep driving bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. He tells Calvin they then weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Mom tells Dad that if he doesn't know the answer, he should just tell him.

Mom and Dad come home. Mom asks if Rosalyn got Calvin to bed. She replies yes, but. Calvin yells down the stairs asking if that was Mom and Dad, did they get rid of the baby sitter, and thanking goodness they were home. Mom asks if he's been that way all night. Rosalyn says his voice gave out around 11:00, but yes. Calvin yells for them not to pay her anything. Mom tells Dad to give her a little bit extra. Dad wonders if five is enough. Rosalyn suggests eight, since college tuitions are up.

Calvin asks Dad to read a story Hobbes wrote, "Goldilocks and the Three Tigers". Dad reads that Goldilocks walks in the forest, sees the house, goes into the house, sees the porridge in three bowls. Then the three tigers come home, divide Goldilocks into three parts, and dunk her in the porridge. Dad is disgusted by the story and refuses to continue. He says "Good night". Calvin laments he didn't even look at the illustrations. Hobbes complains about now being hungry.

Calvin has bad news for Dad regarding his polls. Calvin tells him he's dropped two notches and his future is grim. Dad wonders what it would take to improve his standings. Calvin says he needs a VCR. Dad tells him he'll keep that in mind. Calvin tells Dad, who's reading the newspaper, that he hopes he's looking at the "Help Wanted" section.

Calvin has shrunk to the size of an insect. His only hope is to call for help. With all his might, he dials the phone. It's ringing, but will anyone hear him. Dad picks up the phone and hears buzzing. He says that better not be Calvin.

Calvin complains about having to go to bed. He never gets to do what he wants. He says they'll be sorry if he grows up to be a psychopath because of all this. Dad tells him no one ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Calvin adds that they don't let him chew tobacco, either. They don't know what might push him over the brink.

Calvin and Hobbes wake up Christmas morning. Calvin wants to wake Mom and Dad and go open all his loot. Hobbes thinks they should let them sleep in a little. They sit in bed, straining from the pressure. Calvin runs into their bedroom yelling to wake up, it's Christmas. They say it's a quarter to six, that he's let them sleep in this year.

Calvin asks Dad what would happen if you plugged your nose and mouth when you sneezed. He wonders if the sneeze would go out your ears or if your head would explode. Dad was hoping Calvin had a math question.

Calvin pulls his toboggan up the hill. He wipes his head from the effort. Later, when he returns home, he asks Dad if he's given any more thought to Calvin's suggestion of a backyard ski lift.

Dad comes in the house, happy about the chilly weather. He says this weather lets you know you're alive. He calls for Mom and Calvin to come outside. He says it's a perfect day. Calvin and Mom, sitting near the fireplace, yell to Dad to "Close the dumb door". Dad goes back outside, while Calvin asks Mom just how long she knew him before they married.

Calvin, wearing sunglasses, and Hobbes are dancing to the music. They're swinging to the beat. Mom sits up in bed and says that he's playing classical music at 78 rpm, or she's dreaming. Dad says first thing in the morning, he's calling the orphanage.

Calvin tells Dad he has his report card. Dad asks to see it. Calvin reminds Dad that he once said it didn't matter what grade you got, as long as you were trying your hardest. Dad looks at the card and yells Calvin could be trying harder than this. Calvin then asks if Dad admits to lying before.

Calvin and Hobbes are pushing a big snowball. Calvin says this will be the biggest snowman ever. He says people will come from miles to see their snowman. Hobbes can't push the snowball anymore, so Calvin tells him to leave it there. Hobbes says he's exhausted. Calvin tells him he can't stop now, they need nine more. The snowball they've been pushing has been only one of the snowman's toes. As Hobbes walks off, we see Calvin has been stuffed into the snowball and has his head poking out the top of the snowball.

Calvin asks Mom where Dad is. She tells him he's in the living room, making a fire. Calvin runs into the living room with a big smile on his face. He stops as he sees Dad and says "Oh. In the fireplace".

Calvin picks up a bunch of Christmas lights and goes outside. Dad asks Mom what Calvin wanted the lights for. Mom replies that Calvin didn't say. Dad figures in that case, they better check. We see the lights have been placed on the roof of the house spelling out the message "UFOs! Land here".

A majestic eagle circles in the clouds. He spots his prey and dives. The unwary prize won't know what hit it. Calvin is diving on top of Dad, who's lying asleep in the bed. Calvin tells Dad to wake up, it's Saturday.

Calvin asks Dad if he did a mating dance when he met Mom. Calvin explains he saw some birds do it on TV. Calvin shows how the birds looked, flapping his arms and making squawking noises. Dad says that's more or less how he reacted. Mom leans over the back of the chair Dad's sitting on and asks what he was reacting that way to.

Dad is vacuuming, and Calvin asks him why it doesn't take him as long to clean as it does Mom. Dad supposes he's more efficient. Calvin suggests he doesn't do as good a job. Dad asks Mr. Critic to find something to do. Calvin picks up a big dust ball and asks if he can take it to "show and tell" tomorrow. Dad kneels next to Calvin and says this dust ball is going to be their little secret. Mom yells from the other room. She says she thought Dad had already done the room.

Mom and Calvin are playing. She tickles him, chases him through the house, then tickles him some more. Calvin is laughing and giggling. Finally, Mom suggests they stop and calm down. Mom curls up and falls asleep. Calvin tells Dad her plan backfired. He's all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.

Calvin has upset his body's water balance. Everything solid in his body begins to dissolve. He is becoming liquid. If he could get to an icebox, he could freeze himself until he can get medical attention. But he can only run downhill. Can he make it? Calvin, sitting in the back seat of the car, doesn't think he can make it. Mom tells him there's a gas station ahead and to hold on. Dad reminds Calvin he told him not to drink so much before they left.

Dad is questioning Calvin as to why his test score was so terrible. Calvin says he didn't study for it. Dad asks for clarification as to why he didn't study for it. Calvin tells him he forgot. Dad wonders how he could have forgotten to study. Calvin holds his hands out, eyes wide, and asks where and who he is. Dad tells him not to give him that amnesia stuff.

Calvin is at the dinner table, and he thanks the strangers for having him over for dinner. Dad tells him to knock it off. He says Calvin does not have amnesia. Calvin tries to concentrate as he says this all seems vaguely familiar. Dad says he's asking for an early bedtime. Mom says Calvin seems to remember he likes dessert, as Calvin digs in. He says his memory might return if he had some more dessert. Dad tells him to go to bed.

Dad carries Calvin up the stairs saying he's had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since Calvin won't stop it, it's off to bed. Dad tells him to let him know if he wants to be serious. Calvin winks at Hobbes as Dad leaves. When Dad closes the door, Calvin yells out that there's a tiger in the room.

Dad sits on the bed and tells Calvin that they just want him to study and do well in school. He tells Calvin education is very important. He tells him that's why the amnesia game has to stop. Calvin needs to stop "forgetting" to do his homework. Dad asks "OK?", Calvin replies "OK, mister". Dad leans forward and yells "OK?", Calvin replies "uh, Dad. Right, Dad. You got it".

Dad looks in on Calvin doing his homework. Dad says he's glad Calvin is doing his homework and asks how his math class is coming along. Calvin tells him great. Dad wants to know how great. Calvin says real great. Dad asks if he's been passing all his quizzes. Calvin replies he didn't say phenomenal.

Calvin asks Dad if he checked on the raccoon. Dad says he did, and the raccoon died. Calvin starts crying. Dad consoles him by saying the raccoon didn't have much of a chance. Dad says that at least the raccoon died warm and safe. They had done all they could. Calvin sniffles and says that even though the raccoon is gone from outside, he's not gone from inside.

Calvin has an instant camera and takes a picture of Hobbes. He has Hobbes make faces and odd poses as he takes the pictures. They laugh as they see the developed pictures. Calvin takes the pictures to Dad, who wonders why all the pictures are of Hobbes. Calvin says they're a scream. He'd like ten bucks for another roll of film.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the sofa watching television. Calvin thinks there is nothing better for spending weekends. Dad tells him he's been watching television all day and needs to get out and do something. He says kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air, have fun, and get some exercise. Dad closes the door on them. They walk over to Susie's house. Calvin asks if she's watching TV and wonders if they can come in. Susie says they can, but to hurry. There's a commercial on.

Dad comes home, and Calvin asks if he notices anything different about him. Dad guesses a new haircut. Calvin asks if he went blind. Calvin says he's a tiger. Dad says he thought Calvin meant BESIDES him being a tiger. He then tells Calvin he's tired, as Mom yells from the kitchen that she hopes Dad wants tuna for dinner.

Calvin asks Dad how people make babies. Dad tells him most people go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin is shocked that he came from Sears. Dad consoles him by telling him he actually came as a blue light special from Kmart. Almost as good and a lot cheaper. Calvin yells. Mom calls in from the other room, wondering what Dad is telling Calvin now.

Calvin ties himself up and Hobbes takes off running. Calvin is trying to fly like a kite. He crashes to the ground. Calvin thinks they need a bit more wind. Again he tries. Again he crashes. Hobbes suggests Calvin might be too heavy. Calvin wonders what he can do to make himself lighter. Mom answers a phone call from Mrs. Carroll. There is a naked kid tied to a stuffed tiger is running through her yard.

Calvin is at the museum. He transforms into a dinosaur. A tyrannosaurus is loose in the museum. Panic ensues. A guard reaches for his gun, but is messily devoured. Patrons of the arts flee for their lives. Priceless paintings are ripped to shreds, wealthy benefactors trampled, and the museum is in ruins. Dad tells Calvin they're in the other room now and to join them. Calvin has a sinister grin on his face. Dad tells Mom they better get him out of there, he has that grin again. Calvin wants to see the dinosaurs at the natural history museum. Mom tells him they spent all afternoon there.

Calvin finds himself no longer in the third dimension. He's only 2D. He's thin as a sheet of paper. His feet have no surface area. Only by waving his body along the ground can he generate enough friction to move. But having width but no thickness leaves him vulnerable to gusts of wind. To avoid drafts, he pulls himself into a tube to roll across the floor. Someone is coming, so he turns sideways to hide. As thin as he is, he's nearly an invisible vertical line. Dad is lying under the kitchen sink, trying to fix something. Calvin asks if he knows why he couldn't see him all morning. Calvin explains he was two dimensional. Dad mutters that he bets Calvin can't do it all afternoon also.

Dad is washing the car, and Calvin asks how a carburetor works. Dad tells him he can't tell him. When Calvin asks why not, Dad says it's a secret. Calvin yells that it is not, that Dad just doesn't know.

Calvin is transformed into a human x-ray. While this makes future medical diagnosis easier, it makes Calvin's presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal. Everyone can see his food be ground into mushy pulp and swallowed. Calvin chews up a spoon of creamed corn. Dad yells at Calvin to close his mouth when he chews. Does Calvin think they want to see that?

They approach Dad's building. Calvin isn't sure which office is Dad's, so they have to fly past each one. Calvin sees Dad at his desk. Calvin tries to get Dad's attention. Hobbes regrets not thinking to bring any rocks.

Calvin continues to yell to get Dad's attention, but he doesn't look up. Hobbes figures he must be busy. Calvin says they can't wait all day and decides to leave. Hobbes says they could have given him a ride home if he had noticed them. Calvin says Dad can ride the smelly old bus if he can't look out his window once in a while.

Dad arrives home, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes saw him at work. He tells him they flew by his office window on a rug. Calvin continues to tell Dad that they tried to get his attention, but that he didn't look up. Dad tells Mom he thought they were cutting down on Calvin's sugar intake.

Calvin tells Dad 1988 isn't too far off. He tells him he better get his campaign in gear if he's running for "Dad" next year. Calvin says the polls don't look too good, and that he doesn't have much of a chance to keep the office. Dad tells him he takes comfort in the fact not many people would want the job. Calvin reminds him that flippant remarks have a way of haunting candidates.

Calvin asks Dad for a horsey ride. Dad tells him he's busy. Calvin reminds him that one day, he'll be grown up and Dad will wonder where all the years went. He keeps telling him that he'll think back on the days when Calvin was small enough to give horsey rides to and lament those days being lost forever. Dad gives Calvin the horsey ride. He tells Calvin that he's worked through his guilt, but Calvin wants him to jump over the fence they're approaching.

Dad is sitting in his chair reading the paper. He hears a bang from the other room. Calvin races in, climbs up on the arm of the chair, and makes the bullet bounce off him. He races off saying "up, up and awaaayy".

Hobbes thinks he saw a tentacle under the bed. Monsters. Calvin turns on the light to shrivel up the monsters. Calvin suggests opening the doors to the closet and drawers to get the monsters there. As they pull open the dresser drawers, Calvin says no monsters are going to get them tonight. He tells them to wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature. Dad opens the bedroom door and asks what's going on. Calvin tells him monsters could be anywhere. Dad yells for Calvin to get back in bed or he'll have something other than monsters to worry about. After he leaves, Calvin suggests that what they need is a way to make Dad shrivel up.

Calvin asks Dad what clouds are made of. He tells Calvin mostly water. Calvin then wonders why clouds float. Dad says they're mostly evaporated water. Calvin asks why clouds are white, instead of blue. Dad says he doesn't know, and that they should look it up. Calvin says he takes it there are no qualifying exams to be a Dad.

Calvin tells Dad that his polls are at an all-time low. Dad tells him that's food for thought. He then says Calvin should think about the fact that it costs $100,000 to raise a kid till 18. That's a lot of money. Dad asks Calvin to think about whether that money should be considered a gift or a loan. Calvin scurries off and says he gets the message.

Calvin wants to cook the hamburgers on the grill, but the coals aren't hot enough yet. Calvin tells Dad he wants to eat now. Dad explains sometimes the anticipation of getting something is sometimes better than when you get it. Dad looks out at the woods and says it's nice to sit looking while the coals get hot. He says dinner will be over soon and they'll be distracted by other things. They have a few moments by themselves to enjoy the evening. He says it's good they have to wait for something every now and then. Calvin looks out, then asks whether he should go to McDonald's or what.

The bat is a marvel of evolution. Producing high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the delay in the sound's echo. No movement escapes the senses of the bat. Calvin flips some food into his mouth from the restaurant table. His eyes are closed. Dad scolds Calvin to sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized being.

Calvin is sitting in the back seat of the car. He says it's going to be a fun vacation. He can't wait to get there. There will be a whole week of fishing, swimming, hiking, and canoeing. Mom sits angrily in the front seat saying there will be a week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of coffee. Calvin asks if Mom likes camping. Dad says Mom was up a little too late last night packing.

As the family rows their canoe, Dad points out the island they'll be camping at. Dad happily tells about the fresh air, clean water and plenty of exercise. BOOM! Rain comes pouring down. Dad tells Mom that she's backpedaling. Mom says they're turning around and finding a hotel.

Calvin asks when the rain is going to let up. Mom doesn't know. Dad says to cheer up, he's brought storm gear. He talks about how great the ponchos are, what they're made of, and how they'll be protected from the rain. Calvin thinks it's great they won't get any wetter than they already are. Dad is still looking for the storm gear. He finds the duffel bag with sun tanning lotion.

Dad is standing in the rain when Calvin comes out. Dad says he's a trooper. He asks what's a little rain. Dad says at least it's not snowing. Calvin dejectedly looks at the ground while Dad says "Right?". Dad continues on to say he meant snowing so they couldn't light a fire. Calvin says he loves cold, canned ravioli.

Hobbes asks if it's still raining. Calvin tells him it's been raining for days. Hobbes says they'll need a vacation after this vacation. Calvin can't believe Dad went out fishing. Hobbes says he's a fanatic. Calvin thinks it may be because they're out of packaged food. He worries they'll starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. Hobbes says that after all that Spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. Calvin tells him that if he ever gets home, he'll never go outside again. Dad is just pulling the boat onto the shore saying Calvin is lucky because Dad never got to do this stuff when he was a kid. Then he yells to Calvin to see if he wants to learn how to gut a fish.

Calvin and Dad are fishing in the boat as the rain continues to fall. Dad says it hasn't been very buggy this week. Calvin tells him he's really reaching.

Dad is packing up the gear to leave. He says it's been a rotten week, and he's had enough. The rain stops, and the sun shines through the clouds. Dad slaps himself in the forehead. Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows what the words Dad said meant. Hobbes doesn't, but he wrote them down so they can look them up when they get home.

Driving home, Dad says he's sorry the weather wasn't better that week. He knows it wasn't fun, but they lived through it, they got to spend time together, and that's really what counts. He says he hopes they're not too disappointed. Mom says any judge would take this trip as grounds for a divorce.

Calvin asks Dad to get the ball down from the gutter again. Dad says this is the third time today. He had told Calvin to play out back. Calvin tells Dad to relax. It's only a ball in the gutter. He hasn't been embezzling money or killing people. Calvin always has to help Dad establish the proper context.

Calvin asks Dad why he's still home. Dad tells him he took the day off. Calvin looks horrified. He asks to see the classified section of the newspaper. Dad tells him he can have it when he's done. Calvin wants to see it right away and asks Dad if he'd rather read the editorials. Dad starts reading an ad. New Dad wanted, frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must. Contact Calvin during normal work hours.

Calvin has his dinner on the plate. He stabs it with his fork, makes funny faces at it, sniffs it, tastes it, acts like it's gagging him, takes a drink, shakes his head trying to get the taste out of his mouth. He finally says he tried it, and it almost killed him. Mom and Dad applaud, saying "Bravo" and "Encore". Calvin thinks he should run away to Alaska.

Calvin runs over to Dad yelling that the sun is setting, and it's only three o'clock. Dad tells him it's not three o'clock, his watch had stopped. Calvin asks if time doesn't stop when your watch stops. Dad tells him no. Dejectedly, Calvin walks off. He thought he'd be able to get rich patenting the thing.

Calvin says they can live anywhere they want since they're seceding from the family. Calvin wonders where to go, Antarctica, the Sahara. Hobbes reminds him they can't get to those places. They don't have a car. Calvin decides to try a magic act with Dad. All he needs is an American Express card and Dad's eyes to be closed.

Out in the woods, Mom tells Calvin it's too late to look for Hobbes. Calvin is concerned for Hobbes' well-being. Mom tells him he should have thought of that before it got dark. Calvin replies that he thought Hobbes would come home. He didn't think he'd get lost. Mom says they'll look for Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin is sniffling as they enter their home. Calvin says he hopes Hobbes would come back. Mom tells Dad that Calvin is upset. Dad bets so. Mom says Calvin is real upset. Dad reiterates that he bets so. Mom gets right next to Dad and says Calvin is REALLY UPSET. Dad gets it. Out he goes, flashlight in hand, to look for Hobbes. He's grumbling that his Dad wouldn't have done this for him, because he wasn't spoiled like this.

Mom joins Dad in the woods. She asks if he's had any luck. Dad replies of course not. How would he find a stuffed tiger in the woods at night? Dad complains about Calvin not keeping track of his toys and says he must be crazy to be out in the woods. Mom yells for Hobbes, then realizes she's calling to a stuffed tiger. Dad says that he may be crazy, but he's not as crazy as she is.

Dad comes back in around midnight. He has Hobbes in his hand. Dad says he found Hobbes with the toboggan. Mom thanks him and says Calvin will be so happy. Dad says Calvin better be, or tomorrow he'll leave him in the woods. Mom tucks Hobbes into bed with Calvin so he will see him first thing in the morning. Calvin is snuggled into bed, and Mom calls him a little angel. Dad says that's only at night.

Calvin runs and jumps onto a leaf pile. The leaf pile grabs Calvin and tries to eat him. Calvin reaches out of the pile and grabs the rake. Calvin attacks the arboreal menace and beats on the leaf pile. He tells the sinister fiend it won't be tricking other innocent kids. He spreads the leaves all over the yard. Inside the house, Mom asks Dad if he wasn't going to rake the yard. Dad replies that he did. It took all afternoon. Then, he turns with his eyes bulging and asks where Calvin is.

Mom leaves and tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs. Dad hopes he's not too much trouble tonight. Rosalyn tells them not to worry. She brought a cattle prod this time. Calvin starts climbing out the window. Hobbes tells him Mom and Dad laughed, so it might have been a joke. Calvin isn't taking chances. He thinks Mom and Dad may think scorching little kids is fun. He keeps going down.

Mom and Dad get home and ask if Calvin was any trouble. Rosalyn says she sent him to bed a little while ago, but he wasn't much trouble. There's a knock on the door. Dad wonders who it could be at that time. He opens the door to a policeman. He tells them they received a call about two hostages being held at the house. Both Mom and Dad yell up the stairs for Calvin to get downstairs.

Calvin tells Dad that he's repeating everything anyone says. Dad asks if he is. Calvin mimics Dad. Dad tells him to quit it, that's very annoying. Calvin mimics him. Dad says he forfeits all desserts for the week. Calvin says give them to him. Dad tells Calvin to go bother Mom for a while.

Calvin has just receive Dad's poll results. Calvin says his popularity is up 30 points. Dad is shocked. Oh, Calvin was reading the graph upside down. He hopes Dad is all packed.

Calvin asks Dad if people ever spontaneously combust. Dad doesn't think so. Calvin is relieved and walks off. Dad rolls his eyes. He keeps working, then POW! Papers fly off his desk as he jumps out of his chair. He angrily looks around. Calvin has a popped balloon in his hands. He asks Dad if he fooled him. Dad angrily suggests he has some ideas of how Calvin could make himself useful.

Calvin and Hobbes are bouncing around on the bed. Calvin is cheering that it's Saturday. He turns on the TV for cartoons, only to find a test pattern. Hobbes looks at the TV Guide, which says cartoons don't start until 6:30. Calvin says that's 45 minutes away, so he decides to race Hobbes up and down the stairs. Mom and Dad are awake in bed. Mom wonders why he can't get up like that on school days. Dad suggests she go break his little legs.

Mom tells Calvin to sleep tight and not let the bedbugs bite. After she leaves, Calvin wonders if that means they have vermin in the house. Hobbes says the mattress is moving. It must be a bedbug. Calvin sees giant bug legs. He runs for some bug spray and tells Hobbes to keep the monster bug trapped in the bed. Hobbes is on top of the folded over mattress. He tells Calvin to get his foot locker for more weight. Mom and Dad are wondering what's going on upstairs. Mom suggests it sounds like Calvin's moving furniture. Calvin starts using the bug spray. The spray doesn't kill it. Hobbes hears Dad coming and suggests Dad can kill the bug. As Dad enters the messed room with bug spray wafting everywhere, Calvin tells him it went under the bed. He tells Dad to get a fly swatter. Dad replies that he'll tell Calvin who's going to be swatted.

Calvin has bad news about Dad's poll results. The latest poll shows six-year-old kids in the house don't care about issues, they care about character. Dad wonders why that is bad news. Calvin pulls out a photograph and asks Dad who the bimbo is with him in his prom picture. Dad yells that the "bimbo" is Mom. Mom yells in from the other room wondering who is a bimbo. Calvin tells her "pretty funky hairdo, Mom".

Calvin tells Dad it's true. Nobody cares about his positions on fatherhood. They just want to know about his character. They have to know he's never said or done anything that would reflect poorly on his judgment. Calvin has Dad's college yearbook. He flips through it. Calvin shows Dad a picture. He asks if that is Dad with the keg and the "Party Naked" T-shirt. Dad grabs the yearbook away from Calvin, saying "Give me that".

Dad is getting set to read Calvin a bedtime story. Calvin asks if it has romance in it. He tells Dad to edit any romance out. He asks if there is any boring description. He tells Dad to skip it if he sees any. He likes his stories fast and gripping. He asks about a moral. He doesn't like to be told how to live his life. He tells Dad to skip the moral, too. Dad asks if his majesty prefers color pictures, or black and white.

Calvin threatens Hobbes some more. Hobbes reminds "Mr. Houdini" he got himself into that mess. Calvin says Mom will kill him for not being at dinner. Hobbes sees the section on Morse code. Calvin says he's sorry and asks Hobbes to untie him. Hobbes tells Calvin how to say "banana" in Morse code. Mom and Dad hear noises upstairs. Dad says it sound like a chair thumping around the room. Mom says his dinner is stone cold. She hopes he's happy.

Dad comes up the stairs, angry at Calvin for missing dinner. Calvin is tied up on the chair. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes tied him up. Dad tells him not to tell lies and asks how he tied himself up. Calvin repeats that Hobbes did it and was going to hold him for ransom. After Dad leaves, Calvin rubs his sore rear end. Hobbes tells him he's glad Dad saw through his lie. And who would pay ransom for Calvin, anyway?

Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will. Life begins where there once was void. Calvin is no loving god, he demands sacrifice. Calvin is a god of the underworld. The puny inhabitants of earth displease him. Calvin ignores their pleas for mercy, and the doomed writhe in agony. Dad happily tells Mom that Calvin is playing with his Tinkertoys and is creating whole worlds. Mom bets Calvin will grow up to be an architect.

Calvin, the criminal, is about to face justice. Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution. He's led up the gallows, and he reflects on his heinous crimes. He is unrepentent. The noose is placed around his neck. This is the end. Calvin acts like he's choking as Dad tightens his necktie. Dad tells him to knock it off. Some people have to wear a tie every day.

Dad asks Calvin how the kiddie matinee was. Calvin vaguely remembers the movie. He thinks it was okay. Mom comes walking in with her hair messed up and eyes looking weary. Dad asks Mom how the matinee was. She grabs Dad by the collar, grits her teeth, and tells him they are going to buy a video player.

Calvin goes up to Dad with his hands clasped. He tells Dad to open his mouth, and close his eyes. He's going to get a big surprise. Dad opens his mouth, but peeks. Calvin notices and accuses Dad of not trusting his own kid. Calvin looks in his hands and tells Dad to hang on. Whatever he had in his hand got away.

Calvin excitedly tells Dad that he and Mom have picked a Christmas tree. He tells Dad to help bring it in. Dad tells him he thought they'd keep the tree in the garage this year. Dad continues that you can go out and look at it, and that saves the trouble of decorating it. Calvin can't believe they're not decorating the tree. Dad says they take it down in two weeks, so it's not worth the bother. He mentions that if Calvin gets a present......and Calvin is shocked to hear IF he gets A present. Dad continues ....you can take it to the garage and pretend the tree has lots of lights. Calvin runs off yelling for Mom. Mom points her finger into Dad's nose and tells him she knows somebody who's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking this year. Dad comments on the season getting less jolly every year.

Calvin whispers to Hobbes in bed asking if he's awake. Hobbes is. Calvin hasn't heard Santa yet. He wonders if he's coming. Hobbes notes it's only 11:00. They may be later in the route. They hear a thump. Hobbes says it's Santa. He tells Calvin Santa is saying something. Dad is jumping around holding his foot, cussing in his pain. Mom tells him to be quiet or Calvin will hear him.

Calvin and Hobbes tiptoe down the stairs. They look into the living room. They start cheering that they got presents, that Santa came. Dad grumbles about it not being morning already. Mom sleepily looks at the alarm clock and says that, technically, it was.

Calvin wants Dad to read a bedtime story he wrote. The title is "The Dad Who Lived To Regret Being Mean To His Kid". It's written in poem form. Barney's Dad was bad, and Barney hatched a plan. Dad said "Eat your peas". Barney said "No" and ran. Barney tricked his Dad into the cellar. He wasn't found by Barney's Mom, because Barney didn't tell her. Dad had to spend his life eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years, he was sorry he'd been cruel. Calvin suggests to Dad that many stories have morals. Dad angrily tells Calvin he gets it.

Calvin is building a snow fortress. He says it will be the strongest ever. He tells Hobbes to keep packing in on. The fort will be indestructible. He suggests pouring water over it so it freezes overnight. Their fort will be there until July. The next morning, Dad opens the garage door to back the car out and notices a wall of frozen snow running all across the yard, running right across the driveway. He yells "Where's that kid?!".

Calvin mentions to Dad that the average family watches 7 1/2 hours of TV a day. He mentions that Mom said she doesn't watch TV while he's at school. So, Calvin figures if he gets home at 3:00, he can watch TV straight through until 10:30. Dad says "wrong". Calvin asks if Dad wants them to be sub-average.

Calvin asks Mom who's coming to visit. Mom tells him Uncle Max. Calvin doesn't remember him and wonders if he's a con man trying to swindle them. Mom says he's Dad's brother and hasn't been to visit for a few years. Calvin wonders if he was in jail. Mom tells him no, but Dad says that with Max, that's not a bad guess.

The family is going to the airport to pick up Uncle Max. Dad asks whether Calvin sees the jets. There's no answer. Dad asks why Calvin is being so quiet. Isn't he excited to see Uncle Max. Calvin says he is, but after sitting for a second adds that he hopes nobody thinks he's giving up his room while Uncle Max is visiting.

The family picks Max up at the airport. Max comments that he didn't think it had been so long, but seeing Calvin showed him. Calvin has grown so much. Max asks Calvin "what do you say". Calvin replies that he has a live man-eating tiger at home and will rip Max's lungs out if Calvin so much as winks.

Calvin asks if he can sit by Max at the dinner table. Mom agrees. She tells Max he should be flattered that Calvin asked to sit by him. Max says that's sweet. When Max sits down, a noise comes out. Calvin apparently put a whoopee cushion on Max's chair. Calvin laughs hysterically while Mom covers her face with her hands.

Calvin asks if Uncle Max has any kids. Max tells him no, he isn't even married. Calvin asks what difference that makes. Max suggests Calvin watches a lot of TV.

Everyone is saying goodbye to Max at the airport. Max tells Calvin to come visit him sometime. Calvin decides he'll go right then. Mom grabs Calvin. Dad tells her she missed her chance. They could have bought Calvin a ticket.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor playing checkers. Dad asks if he's just going to sit inside all day. Dad tells Calvin he should go outside to play and to get some fresh air. Calvin and Hobbes get bundled up, go outside, and sit on the ground playing checkers.

Hobbes is playing Monopoly with Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin he can't just take money from the bank. Calvin explains that Hobbes has hotels on all his properties, so Calvin can't afford to pay him. Calvin is robbing a bank. Hobbes tells him he can't do that. Calvin replies he's the banker, and he's not going to risk his life for a couple thousand dollars. Hobbes shows the rules don't say you can rob the bank. Calvin retorts the rules don't show that you can't. He tells Hobbes to just roll the dice and accept this tragic turn of events. Hobbes says if that's how Calvin's going to play, Hobbes will rob Calvin. Calvin steals the deeds to Boardwalk and Park Place. Hobbes angrily takes all the houses and hotels and puts them on Baltic Avenue, where Calvin landed. Calvin owes Hobbes $250,000. In the other room, Mom comments how cute it is that Calvin plays both sides of the Monopoly board. Dad isn't so sure. He's heard Calvin using words he didn't learn in their household.

Calvin asks Dad where he keeps his guns. Dad doesn't have any and wonders what the problem is. Calvin tells him Rosalyn is there and won't leave. Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom are going out. Mom reminds Calvin she told him that morning. Calvin asks if they have a wooden stake and a mallet.

Mom opens the door and apologizes to Rosalyn. Rosalyn says it wasn't too wet and cold outside. Mom and Dad are running late, so they tell Rosalyn to help herself to anything in the fridge. Dripping wet, Rosalyn looks down at Calvin. Calvin says the door was jammed, and he couldn't get it open. Rosalyn tells him to go to bed.

Calvin is busily making snowmen in the yard. Calvin finishes them and leaves. Mom and Dad go out to the car, only to find three snowmen looking at the broken body of a fourth. Calvin built them in front on the car, to make it look like the car hit the snowman.

Mom and Dad return home. Mom asks how Calvin was that evening. Rosalyn is standing with arms crossed and a scowl on her face. Mom pays Rosalyn and thanks her. She gives a five dollar advance on the next time. Dad comments that Rosalyn has a nice racket going. Mom asks if he'd rather stay home every night until Calvin's eighteen.

Dad tells Calvin to guess what time it is. He says it's a very special time. Calvin gets enthused and wants to know what time it is. Dad tells him it's his bath time. Sitting in the tub, Calvin tells Hobbes that letters to Dear Abby where kids never write or visit their old parents really crack him up.

The tyrannosaurus sinks his teeth into the triceratops. The king of dinosaurs lets out a mighty roar. The monster begins its feast. It severs limbs and snaps tendons. Mom and Dad tell Calvin to chew slower and quieter. The terrible tyrannosaurus continues eating, mortified that someone might see him.

Thunder rumbles, and lightning flashes. Calvin has been sewn together from corpses. A power surge forces blood to his brain. He's....he's alive! Calvin sleepily walks by Mom and Dad at the table.

Calvin, the elephant, wanders the African plain. He is the largest land mammal. His deafening call shatters the early-morning tranquility. Calvin is sitting atop Dad, who's sleeping in bed. Calvin gets ready to blow a trumpet.

Hobbes is giggling in his sleep. Calvin wakes up and notices Hobbes is dreaming. Hobbes sniffs, and Calvin wonders if Hobbes thinks he's in the jungle. Calvin is prepared to smack Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes crawls out of bed and heads downstairs. Calvin follows him and wonders why they're going to the kitchen. Dad turns on the light and asks if Calvin was sleepwalking. Calvin says he was wide awake, but Hobbes is the dope who's sleepwalking. Dad explains to Mom that he put Calvin back to bed, and he had no reason for being up. Mom notices that he had gotten out all the tuna in the house.

Calvin asks Dad why the sun sets. Dad explains that hot air rises, so the sun rises in the middle of the day. In the evening, it cools down and sets. Calvin asks why it goes from east to west. Dad replies "solar wind". Mom yells at Dad.

Calvin tells Dad his poll results are down again. Calvin explains that though his recognition factor is high, scandals continue to haunt him. Dad wonders what scandals Calvin is talking about. Bedtimegate and Homeworkgate are mentioned. Dad isn't worried. He calls them instances of true leadership. History will vindicate him. Calvin isn't so sure and wonders what his new Dad will look like.

Calvin has analyzed Dad's poor poll showing. Calvin says Dad's record in office is terrible, and the character issue is killing him. Dad's approval rating among six-year-olds barely registers. Calvin says Dad needs a slick ad campaign. Calvin calls it "The New Dad".

Calvin wants to create a "repentant, but learning" image. Calvin tells him to present himself as a regular guy learning the ropes of a difficult job. Dad thinks difficult doesn't begin to describe it. Calvin offers some slogans. "Dad - Gradually, he catches on" and "Vote Dad! This time he'll do better" are offered. Dad gets the idea.

Calvin tells Dad he has to polish his image. Calvin suggests a few magnanimous gestures might be in order. He has some suggestions. Dad can't wait to hear them. Calvin poses repeal of mandatory school attendance. He says that alone could rocket Dad to victory.

Dad doesn't think he needs an image consultant. Dad prefers to let the wisdom of his words and deeds speak for themselves. Calvin thinks that means Dad will have plenty of time to write his memoirs. Dad tells Calvin to go to bed. Calvin offers dire headlines, "Dad buried in landslide", "Stunned father inconsolable - demands recount", "Jubilant throngs fill streets".

Calvin asks Mom if he was ever a grub. He clarifies. He wonders if he was a larva, did he really pupate at age two. Mom tells him to quit being so disgusting. She wonders where he got such an awful idea. Calvin tells Dad, who's sitting in his chair, that he should get his stories straight with Mom. He calls Dad Mr. Britannica.

Calvin is watching TV. Dad asks how he can stand cartoons. He says they're half-hour commercials for toys. When they're not boring, they're preachy. He complains the characters don't even move, they just stand there blinking. As Dad walks away, Calvin rolls his eyes and calls Dad "the Gene Siskel of Saturday Morning TV".

Calvin watches Dad eating dinner. He suspects nothing. Calvin thinks Dad's radar is going off. Calvin is sure Dad knows something is broken, just not what. He knows Dad will just wait, letting Calvin stew in his own guilt. Dad figures sooner or later, Calvin will crack. Dad says Calvin's name. Calvin blurts out that he did it, he's sorry, and he didn't mean to. Dad was asking Calvin to pass something to him.

Dad is yelling at Calvin. He's telling him that he said to be extra careful with the binoculars. He yells the binoculars were brand new. He asks Calvin if he has no respect for other people's property. Calvin offers that he feels terrible about it, and that Dad doesn't have to rub it in anymore.

Calvin is sitting on his bed, hugging Dad. He cries that he didn't mean to break the binoculars. He says he's really sorry, and that he felt like barf all afternoon. Dad says he shouldn't have yelled at Calvin like that. He goes on to say it was only a pair of binoculars. That isn't so bad in the great scheme of things. Calvin sniffles "really". Dad tells him that in another ten years, he'll probably be wrecking his car.

Calvin, the bug, lives only to suck blood and spread parasitic disease. Calvin flies low over the picnic table, in search of a victim. His sensitive antennae detect human flesh. Calvin sticks his needle-like proboscis into a vein. Protozoans in his saliva quickly induce plague. Calvin is drinking a beverage through a straw at a picnic. Mom tells him to stop that awful slurping. It's making her sick.

Calvin tells Hobbes to get out of the hammock. Hobbes tells him it's not his hammock. Calvin says it's his turn, but Hobbes tells him to wait until he's finished. Calvin tries to climb into the hammock with Hobbes. Hobbes tries fighting him off. Later, Dad is trying to enjoy the hammock, but it's dragging on the ground. He says the crummy hammock always sags.

Calvin sees Mom and Dad loading duffel bags into the car. They're going on vacation. Calvin is thrilled. He and Hobbes will have the house to themselves. They can stay up late and can eat cookies for dinner. Dad opens the door and asks why Calvin is still in his room. He tells him to go. Calvin wonders what he's talking about. Dad tells him they're all going on vacation. They've been planning it all month. Calvin wonders what kind of vacation will it be if he has to go with Mom and Dad.

As the family is driving along, Calvin hopes they're not camping this year. He's told they are, which doesn't please Calvin. He complains about swatting mosquitos while lying frozen and cramped on rocks, no TV, and only canned food to eat. Dad cheerfully tells him that's why they brought bug spray. Calvin tells Dad to let him out. He'll hitch a ride home and see them when they return.

As they're paddling a canoe to the campground, Calvin reminds them of last year's vacation. It rained so hard they couldn't make a fire. He says it was one of the worst experiences of his life. Dad replies that it built character. Calvin asks why he can never build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere.

They paddle up to their campground. Calvin and Mom get out so Dad can hand over the gear. As Dad is telling Calvin not to drop the gear he's handing him, down it falls into the water. Calvin tells Dad not to worry. The water is only ten feet deep, and he can see the camera and everything. Dad replies that he's going to feed Calvin to the sea gulls. Mom tells him he came to relax.

Dad retrieves everything he can see in the water. He asks Calvin to get him a towel. Dad is dripping as he gets out of the water, complaining that the one bag Calvin drops into the water has all the fragile and perishable things in it. Mom tells him the week can only improve. Dad hopes so. Calvin asks Dad if he meant to stack the tackle box and all the other stuff on his glasses.

Calvin calls into the tent Mom is sleeping in. He and Dad are going fishing, and he asks if Mom doesn't want to come along. She sleepily says no, she doesn't want to see slimy fish gasping and flopping in the bottom of the boat. She goes on to say all she wants is a decent newspaper, a fresh muffin, and a pot of real coffee. Calvin then asks why did they come to this spot for a vacation. She suggests he ask "Conan the Barbarian". Dad comes up with a smile on his face, offering to show Calvin how to put a worm on a hook.

Dad is paddling the canoe with Calvin at the bow. Dad says what a day. He talks about the fresh air, being up at dawn, the tranquility, no demands, phones, or pressures. He says "Isn't this the life". Spaceman Spiff, a prisoner on the Zog space galley, plans his daring overboard escape.

Calvin comes up to Dad, who's sitting on a rock painting a picture. Calvin asks what he's painting, a brontosaurus with rabies? Dad tells him he's painting the island across the way. Calvin waves his hands and asks Dad how far he can see without his glasses. Can he see him? Dad says that when he looks up, he better not be able to.

Dad tells Calvin to start packing, they're heading home. Calvin is glad. Dad tells him these little outings are valuable experiences. When Calvin asks how, Dad explains that they give them a chance to be together as a family and to learn about themselves. Calvin says like how they can't stand to be in such close proximity with one another so long. Dad says "Exactly".

Spaceman Spiff lands on an uncharted planet. He sets out in search of life. It's a strange planet, it's surface is soft and porous. Curious geysers blast hot air. Suddenly, it dawns on him. He's not on the planet surface. He's on a reclining alien. Calvin aims his dart gun at a sleeping Dad. Calvin says that our hero sets his death ray blaster.

Dad is going to read a bedtime story to Calvin. Calvin hopes it's not as boring as last night's. That put him right to sleep. Dad promises tonight's story will keep him up all night. It's called "The Disembodied Hand that Strangled People". Calvin is all excited, he's never gotten a scary story. Dad tells him the scary part is that they never found the hand. It could be anywhere. Dad puts his arm inside his sweater and grabs his throat. He yells "Oh no!! There it is!" . Calvin's eyes bulge out. Dad chokes out that it's got him. Calvin falls back onto the bed. Dad checks to see if Calvin has passed out. Calvin has. Dad walks out of the room saying he should have thought of that years ago.

Mom and Dad are at the dinner table. Mom asks Calvin where he's been. Calvin explains that drifted away on his balloon which popped. Then, he remembered his transmogrifier gun. After mistakenly turning himself into a safe, he transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. Calvin sits at the table. He looks at his meal. He then says that if he had known they were having that for dinner, he wouldn't have hurried. Mom tells him to sometime try transmogrifying into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.

Dad wants Calvin to pick up the sticks and fallen branches in the yard so he can mow it. Calvin asks if Dad will pay him. Dad says he'll pay one dollar. Calvin is indignant. He says he won't do it for less than twenty-five. Dad reminds him in a minute, he'll do it for free because he told him to. Calvin says he'll take the dollar.

Dad calls up the stairs for Calvin. They're ready to go to the zoo. Dad hasn't been to the zoo in ages. Mom says Calvin never has been. Mom has been telling Calvin about the zoo trip all week. She says he's so excited. Dad yells up again for Calvin. Calvin and Hobbes are in his room reading comic books. Hobbes asks where they have to go now. Calvin says it beats him. He says Mom and Dad are always dragging them some dumb place.

Dad holds Calvin up so he can see into the alligator pit. Calvin asks why they're in a pit. Dad explains it's so they don't get out and eat people. Calvin asks if the zoo ever throws anyone in. Dad tells him no. Calvin looks a little longer. Dad puts him down, and Calvin asks how soon until they go home.

Calvin runs over to the monkey cage. Mom shows him how monkeys use their tails and feet to climb. She says zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Calvin's eyes get wide and he points at the cage. He says to look what the monkey is doing in public. He laughs, says that's gross, and asks how come he's not allowed to do that. Mom tells Calvin to come look at the birds.

Calvin says he followed that lady halfway around the zoo, think it was Mom. He wonders why Mom's don't write their names on their calves so that type thing doesn't happen. He wonders where he is, and he wonders where Hobbes is. Mom sees Hobbes on the zoo bench. She asks where Calvin is. Dad says these little family trips always turn out this way. He plans on spending more Saturdays at the office.

Mom and Dad look around for Calvin. Mom says they just turned their backs for a minute. Dad wonders why he didn't take Hobbes. Dad tells Mom to stay at the bench in case Calvin returns. He's going to go look for him. Dad complains that being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.

Dad figures Calvin could be anywhere at the zoo. He looks around and says he hopes Calvin has the sense to stay put, wherever he is. He wonders where the little rotter would go if he was lost and separated from his stuffed toy. Calvin leans over the wall at the tiger cage and is yelling in to them to listen to him tell them about Hobbes.

Dad gets an idea. He thinks Calvin might be at the tiger pit, because he likes them so much. He starts walking. He chuckles as he thinks maybe Calvin will be in the tiger pit, since he likes them so much. He starts running.

Mom is overjoyed to see Dad with Calvin. She asks where he was. Dad tells her he was looking at the tigers. Calvin explains that he followed another lady, thinking it was Mom. Then, when he realized he was lost, he went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Mom tells him to ask a person for help next time. Dad says that there won't be a next time, because they're going to tie him to a stake in the yard every weekend. Calvin tells Hobbes his compatriots were a fat lot of help.

Dad leans back in his chair. He says he sometimes feels like he works all the time to afford his place, and he never gets a chance to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. As he's commenting he has his weekends to enjoy things, he hears Mom yelling at Calvin. He's tracked mud all over the house. She shrieks when she sees the couch Calvin has walked across. Calvin says he saw a muddy guy go running. Mom makes Calvin go outside. Calvin yells that he knows when he's not wanted. Finally, there is quiet. Then Calvin tosses a water balloon at Dad and tells him to catch. Dad gets soaked. Calvin walks away saying Dad has good reflexes. He adds not to go into the house like that, Mom is in one of her moods. Dad thinks he could get a lot of work done on the weekends.

Dad gets ready to leave for work. Calvin tells him it's too bad he can't stay home to enjoy the beautiful summer morning. As Dad walks to the garage, Calvin yells to him that when he's old, he'll be sorry he didn't take advantage of days like this. He says that's far off, but there's lots of work to do in the meantime. He adds that Dad should have a good long drive in to work. Maybe he'll get home in time to watch the sun set. Calvin closes the door, walking back into the house, saying he'd hate to have a kid like him.

Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs reading. They hear Calvin singing about getting a bucket, that nothing's wrong, how many buckets do they have, no cause for alarm, and no need to panic. Mom and Dad look at each other, point at each other, and both say "Your turn".

Dad yells up the stairs asking what Calvin's doing. He says he's going to the bathroom as the toilet flushes. Dad asks if everything is alright. Calvin says things are fine and not to come up. Hobbes is flushing the toilet while Calvin is up to his waist in water.

Dad hears the water, and he comes into the bathroom. He walks into the spraying water. He sputters about what's going on. He shuts the water off and looks for Calvin, who's hiding behind the shower curtain. Dad tells Calvin it's the end of the world.

Dad asks Calvin what he was doing. Calvin tells him he was looking for dental floss and the handle blew sky high by itself. He changes his story to Hobbes playing around with Dad's tools. Calvin tried to stop Hobbes, but he wouldn't listen. Dad gives Calvin one more try. Calvin tells him big, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto did it and made him swear not to tell.

Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping in a tent in the backyard. They're reading a scary story. The bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glisten. Hobbes hears a noise. Calvin tells him the story is scary enough. SNAP! It must be the bog monster. Hobbes tells Calvin to turn off the flashlight. There is crunching and cracking outside the tent. Calvin says they're doomed. Hobbes says it's getting closer. They hear the tent flap being zipped. It's coming in. They scream, blind the bog monster with the flashlight, pull down the tent ropes, and run for it. Calvin sits on Mom's lap. She asks what he's doing in there, Dad had just gone out to check on him. As Dad yells from outside, Calvin tells Mom the bog monster must have gotten him.

Calvin reminds Dad Election Day is coming and asks if he's chosen a running mate. Dad asks what he means. Calvin informs him you can't be elected Dad without a Mom. Calvin asks if he's going to keep the Mom Calvin's had or get a new running mate. Dad smiles and thinks. Mom comes up and makes a fist. Dad says of course he'll stick with Calvin's Mom.

Calvin stands on the top stair of the case. He bends forward and hits his head on the next step. Then, he tumbles over and hits his feet on the next step. Again and again it happens. Mom runs over to the bottom of the staircase and asks if he fell down the stairs again. Calvin, stuck head first between the floor and the bottom step, says that's him, the human slinky.

Dad comes home from work, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes went to Mars. Calvin explains they went there because Earth is polluted, but they came home when they found Mars inhabited. Dad asks if he didn't like the Martians. Calvin tells him the Martians didn't like them. He thinks the Martians were worried they'd junk up their planet like they had junked up Earth. Dad asks why his good briefcase is out and why does it smell like tuna. Calvin says they go all the way to Mars, and Hobbes forgets the camera.

Calvin has shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall. How will he tell his parents when he's smaller than a penny? He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to Dad's camera. He climbs up and sets the self-timer. He jumps up in front of the lens. Calvin hopes Dad gets the film developed soon to discover what has happened. Dad's looking at what are terrible pictures. He doesn't remember taking them. He wonders who the little speck in the distance is. He asks if Calvin has been fooling around with the camera. Calvin says heck no. He suggests Dad get the camera fixed.

Calvin tells Dad Election Day is coming. People want to know where he stands on the issues. Dad asks which issues. Calvin informs him later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. Dad says he's against them all. Calvin asks if Dad's IRA is well-funded.

In bed at night, Calvin calls for Mom. Dad comes in and asks what's wrong. Calvin doesn't feel good. He says his stomach hurts, and he wants Mom. Dad crawls back in bed, to find Mom curled up with the covers. She asks why her. What's wrong with him, for crying out loud? Dad tells Mom she can ask Calvin. Then he tells her to let him back under the covers.

Mom groggily looks at the clock. She wonders why kids always feel sick at two in the morning. She sits on the edge of the bed, trying to wake up. She says Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. She says if he's going to get her up at that hour, he'd better really be sick. Mom opens her eyes wide when she hears Calvin barf in his room. She puts her arms out and shouts that she didn't mean it. Dad rolls over and tells her to pipe down, he's trying to sleep.

Spaceman Spiff lands on the planet Zokk. He prepares to explore the surface. Spiff's first step sends him careening through the sky. Spiff realizes Zokk has only a fraction of earth's gravity. With practice, our hero finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape. Dad opens the bedroom door and yells to Calvin to quit bouncing on the bed and go to sleep.

Calvin tells Dad he hates school. He goes on to say he counts the hours until school's over, he counts the days until the weekend, he counts the weeks until the month is over, then counts the months until summer. He always has to postpone what he wants to do for what he has to do. Dad rolls his eyes and welcomes Calvin to the world. Calvin then asks if Dad will sign a parental excuse to get him out of the next 11 1/2 years of school.

Calvin informs Dad that the polls indicate he won't be Dad much longer. He says Dad just isn't likeable enough. Those polled continue to find Dad a cold fish. Calvin suggests Dad do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Dad tells Calvin to go to bed. Calvin slaps his forehead and says it's too late for Dad to learn to tell jokes.

Calvin gets off the bus after a rough day. He opens the door, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that if he thought that was funny, he should come back and fight. He trudges up the stairs. Mom notices he looks dirtied and asks what happened. He tells her not to ask. He heads to his room to change. When he opens his room door, Hobbes crashes into him again. Later, Dad asks where Calvin is. Mom tells him she sent him to his room for making prank calls to pet stores. He was asking them if they'd buy his tiger.

Calvin looks at his soup and starts to complain about it having rice in it. Mom asks to see. Calvin shows her, and he tells her he hates rice. She tells him she didn't put rice in. Those are maggots. Dad frowns, puts his hand to the side of his face, and says this is another lovely meal at home with his family. He wishes his job required more travel. Mom tells him that Calvin's eating the soup now. Calvin can't wait to tell everyone at school what they had for dinner.

Calvin calls Dad at work to ask him to tell a story. Dad tells Calvin he's busy and doesn't have time to read a story. He says he's expecting several calls and to get off the phone. Calvin tells him he'll stay there growing at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with his Dad, who's always working. Dad starts reading a story about a hydraulic pump, the wheel shaft flange, and the evil patent infringement. Calvin says he wants a good story.

Calvin is getting dressed. He asks if he has to wear the dorky clothes and get his hair combed. Mom tells him that Dad is going to take his picture. They're going to put a picture of Calvin in their Christmas cards so everyone can see what he looks like now. Calvin replies that's a dumb idea. He wonders why they're doing that. Dad says it's so they won't have relatives dropping by to visit.

Dad aims the camera. He asks Calvin for a nice smile. Dad starts the count. Calvin is sitting nicely with a pleasant smile on his face. When the count reaches three, Calvin makes a weird face. CLICK! Dad chases Calvin. Calvin tells Dad that his hair is getting messed up.

Calvin is sitting on the stool again. Dad tells him he doesn't have much film left. He tells him to quit making faces. He says he would have been done 20 minutes ago if Calvin had cooperated. He tells Calvin to give him a smile and hold it. Calvin partly closes his eyes and opens his mouth strangely. CLICK! Dad yells. Calvin claims that was a smile.

There are photos Mom and Dad are looking at. One looks like Calvin had sucked a lemon, one has him shaking his face back and forth, one has him leaned back so you see up his nose, one has his looking backward. Dad says they can't send those in the Christmas cards, people would think it's sacrilegious. Mom says the pictures do look like Calvin, except for the combed hair.

Calvin is cold. He asks why they keep the house so cold. He tells Dad to crank up the thermostat and start a fire. Dad has a better idea. He has Calvin follow him. He opens the door and asks Calvin to step outside. Dad closes the door. He tells Calvin in a few minutes he can come back inside, and the house will seem nice and warm. Calvin yells back that he's telling the newspapers about him.

Calvin asks Dad to read "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad doesn't want to read that again. He asks to read something different tonight. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says he's read it a thousand times. Calvin puts his hands together and begs Dad to please read it. Dad agrees. Calvin asks for him to do the squeaky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, also. Dad asks if he can't read something else.

Calvin wakes Hobbes up and tells him it's Christmas. Hobbes asks if he's sure, since it's still dark outside. Calvin says it's four in the morning. He hops out of bed. He asks Hobbes to see if Santa left their loot yet. He says he'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but they can at least count their packages. Calvin sees all the presents. Hobbes hands him one and says it's strange Santa would go to the bother to wrap a box of coal. Calvin starts dividing up the presents by who's getting them. He thinks Santa goofed up. Hobbes hasn't gotten any gifts. Calvin yells to Mom and Dad that Santa didn't get Hobbes anything. Calvin hugs Hobbes and tells him it's a present from him. He hopes it fits. Hobbes tells him the best presents don't come in boxes. He'll treasure it forever.

Calvin is shoveling snow. He asks why they can't buy a snow blower. He says they must be the only family in the world that shovels the driveway by hand. He complains it's freezing. Dad opens the door and tells him to keep at it. It builds character. Calvin says it's pretty convenient that every time he builds character, Dad saves a couple hundred dollars.

Calvin asks Dad to read "An Ode to Tigers" at bedtime. Hobbes wrote it. Dad reads the zebra's stripes are lacking hues, they don't compare to you-know-who's. It's camouflage and stylish, too. Yes, tigers look best. It's true. Dad asks if this goes on. Calvin tells him for pages. He asks Dad if he thinks it's pretty tedious.

Spiff escapes! Dad asks if Calvin got on the bus. Mom says she didn't see. Dad mentions he saw someone darting behind a tree. They look and see it again. Dad asks if that's Calvin. Spiff inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket. The Zogwargs have spotted him.

Dad is shoveling snow when Calvin asks him when he thinks they'll get a thunder and lightning storm. Dad says probably not until spring. Calvin walks back to Hobbes, who's standing next to a snowman prone on the ground. Calvin says he thinks the snowman will melt before they can bring him to life.

Mom tells Calvin to eat his dinner. Spaceman Spiff is held over a pit of putrid pasta. Our hero's mind races furiously. The aliens say that he's had his chance. Let's make him eat. Calvin looks surprised, points behind Mom and Dad, and tells them to look behind them. When they look, Calvin runs off. One alien says the human scum has escaped. The other says tomorrow morning, he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast.

Calvin claims the air pressure in the room is too high. He sucks in his cheeks and stretches his eyes vertically. He says his organs are in danger of collapsing. He's about to implode. Mom, Dad, and Calvin are sitting at a restaurant table. Calvin says they have to get out of there. There's too much atmosphere. Mom tells him to sit still and behave. She tells him they can't eat at fast food places all the time.

Calvin asks Dad where they're going that night. He wonders why he and Hobbes can't come along. Dad says they're going to dinner and a movie to get some time by themselves. Calvin says that he could come. Hobbes wouldn't kill anyone. Calvin asks why they can't come, why aren't they wanted around. He asks if the movie's dirty or something. Dad tells Mom that they'll have a dinner with real pauses in the conversation. Can she imagine?

Mom and Dad return home. Mom asks if Rosalyn had a quiet evening and got her studying done. Rosalyn has a worn look to her face. She says she's sorry, but tonight is going to cost them. Having paid Rosalyn, and her having left, Dad asks Mom if she's sure that no one in town will baby-sit Calvin. Mom replies that maybe he'd like to spend a week on the phone.

Mom and Dad are walking down the sidewalk. They look into a yard and see a snowman with a hat and broom. A little further on, they see a snowman with a scarf and cap. They keep walking past a snowman with a small snowman next to it. They come to their yard and see a snowman with two heads, with both heads having their mouths open. Dad says you can always tell when you get to their house.

Calvin asks Dad how his breakfast is. Calvin describes Dad's oatmeal as a bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. He offers Dad a bowl of "tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Dad says no thanks. He's trying to reach middle age. Calvin asks Mom if she's having boring old toast and tea. Mom tells him if he wants the beanie, he eats the cereal.

Calvin sadly brings his motor and propeller to Dad, asking if he can fix it. Dad looks at it and decides Calvin only broke the battery case. He glues it together and inserts the switch. He holds it up and declares it good as new. He says they'll let it sit so the glue dries. Calvin happily says Dad fixed it. He can't believe it. He calls out to Mom that Dad actually fixed something.

Mom opens the bedroom door and tells him to get out of bed, he's going to miss the bus. He stands at the blackboard doing a math problem. Miss Wormwood tells him to sit down if he doesn't know the answer. Moe holds him up by his shirt, clenches his fist, and asks Calvin if he wants to see if there's an afterlife. As Calvin tries to go out his bedroom window, he's told he can't go out to play until his homework is done. Calvin stirs his dinner, and Dad tells him just to eat it and not to play with it. Mom tells him to quit stalling and to take his bath. Dad turns off the TV and tells him he can't stay up later and to go to bed. Mom comes in after Calvin climbs in bed. She kisses his forehead and tells Calvin to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big day. After the light is turned out, Calvin sighs.

Calvin runs up to Dad, telling him aliens just landed in their back yard. Dad asks what they look like. Calvin tells him like baked potatoes with laser guns. Dad asks if they said what they wanted. Calvin replies they want ten dollars. Dad says he bets they do. Calvin offers that since Dad is so busy, he could give the money to Calvin and he'll take it over to them.

Calvin asks Dad why he always reads his bedtime stories and not Mom. Dad tells him that's the Dad's job. From the other room, Mom yells that it appears to be the only Dad's job around here. Calvin asks Dad if he left the dishes for Mom, again. Dad yells back to the other room that tonight's story is called "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single".

Mom scoots Calvin along. She says they were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. Calvin asks where they're going. Mom tells him for the hundredth time they're going to a wedding. She tells him to get in the car, Dad's waiting. As Calvin climbs in, he asks what if he forgot something. Dad says they'll only be gone overnight. Hobbes' tail pokes out from the covers on Calvin's bed.

Calvin tells Dad to turn the car around. He forgot Hobbes. Dad says they can't turn around, they're late already. Dad tells him he could have been ready on time and had his things ready. He didn't, he put up a fuss, made them late, and he forgot his tiger. Dad tells Calvin it's his own fault. Calvin says Dad would turn around if they'd forgotten Mom. Dad tells him that's because she's the only person who knows where they're going.

Dad, Mom, and Calvin are sitting in the church at the wedding. Calvin is frowning, wondering when the wedding will be over. He doesn't even know these people. Calvin thinks it would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was there. Calvin wonders what Hobbes will eat. They didn't leave any food out. Calvin realizes they'll be gone almost two whole days, Hobbes will be starving. He thinks he'll let Dad go into the house first.

Calvin tells Mom he can't sleep. Mom says he can if he lies quietly. Calvin says Hobbes isn't there. He says tigers are comforting. He always falls asleep when he listens to Hobbes breathing. Mom says Calvin can listen to Dad snoring. Calvin says he thought that noise was trucks downshifting on the highway.

The family arrives home, and Calvin runs into the house to see Hobbes. Mom says she didn't think they'd ever get home. She says the whole trip was one long compliant about leaving Hobbes at home. Dad says next time, they should bring the tiger and forget the kid. Dad notices it's drafty in the house. Calvin points out the smashed window. Mom is horrified that somebody broke in. Calvin runs off to find Hobbes.

Dad goes to call the police. Calvin runs for Hobbes. Mom can't believe it's happening. Calvin runs to Mom asking her to help him find Hobbes. Mom calms him down by saying Hobbes is around there somewhere. She doesn't think anyone would steal a stuffed tiger. Calvin sniffs that Hobbes is so trusting.

Dad says the police are sending someone over. He asks Mom if she's figured out what's missing. Mom says she's been looking for Hobbes since Calvin's almost hysterical. Dad says he feels hysterical himself. Mom hopes the police arrive soon. She's scared. Dad says that this is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. Unfortunately, he says, we're all "someone else" to someone else.

Calvin calls into the basement for Hobbes. Mom finds Hobbes in Calvin's bed. Calvin runs upstairs and asks if Hobbes is alright. He hugs Hobbes and says he's so glad to see him. Hobbes is safe and sound, and now Calvin is, too. Mom says that it looks like they're a whole family again.

Dad tells the police officer the TV was stolen. Calvin comes over and tells the officer he bets the burglars ran off when they saw there was a tiger in the house. Dad tells him he's busy, and not to bother them now. Calvin continues by saying no one sticks around when he sees a tiger. He says Hobbes has mandibles of death. Dad tries to push Calvin to Mom. Calvin keeps talking about Hobbes looking at mug shots and going to the station to look at suspects. The officer thinks that he sure meets the weirdos in this job.

Mom has swept up the glass from the window, Dad goes to get something to cover the hole. Mom asks if it's safe to stay there overnight. What if the burglars come back? Dad says the police said they'd drive by, and they can leave lots of lights on. Mom feels creepy knowing burglars were in the house. She doesn't feel safe. Dad says it must be really scary for a little kid like Calvin. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't wait to tell everyone at school that their house was robbed. Hobbes tells him to be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.

Dad asks Mom if Calvin's asleep. She says he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Dad doesn't know how he's going to sleep. Mom agrees. She can't get over what happened. The idea of a stranger going through their house makes her shiver. She wishes she had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. She hugs Dad. He complains that how come he's the grown-up. What does he get to snuggle?

Dad is sitting up in bed. He thinks it's going to be a long night. His heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2:00, and he's wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your home, you're not safe anywhere. He lays back down and thinks a man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.

Mom asks Dad if he's still awake. Dad is. When he was little, he never thought about grown-ups worrying about anything. He trusted his parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to him they might not know how. He thought when you were an adult, you automatically knew what to do in a given scenario. He says he wouldn't have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if he knew the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.

Mom thinks that at least they weren't at home when the house was broken into. No one was hurt, and they're all together and OK. They lost a few nice things, but things don't matter much really. As she cuddles up with Dad, she thinks it's hard to believe how often they forget that.

Calvin wakes Mom up to give her a Mother's Day card he made. She sits up and reads it. It reads he could have bought a card with hearts of pink and red, but he thought he'd spend the money on him, instead. It's hard to buy things with such a small allowance, so she's lucky he got her anything at all. Happy Mother's Day, he's said it, now he's done. So how about getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for her son? Mom's deeply moved.

Calvin has the latest poll results. An overwhelming majority are amazed at how little he's accomplished. The impression is that he's avoiding all the hard decisions that need to be made. No one polled could name a single instance of paternal leadership. Dad asks if he can lead Calvin to bed. Calvin replies he has some innovative ideas for his allowance.

Calvin looks at the moon, which is sticking its tongue out at him. Then the moon makes a funny face at him. Calvin tells Dad he saw the man in the moon tonight. Calvin says he didn't know the moon made faces. Dad says that's "phases".

The sky is orange, Calvin's skin is green. Yellow flowers are now blue. Every color is the opposite of what it should be. Calvin has been turned into a color film negative. His only hope is to be processed by a 1-hour photo finisher. He grabs his throat and acts like he's choking. Dad is trying to get a picture of him. Dad complains that Calvin just ruined another photo. He asks if Calvin can't look pleasant for 1/500th of a second.

At the dinner table, Calvin tells Dad that Mom took him to the library. He didn't know it was such fun. Dad tells him that he'll learn things, too. Calvin explains that he learned one type wasp lays its egg in a spider so that when the egg hatches, the larva eats the spider, saving the vital organs for last, so the spider stays alive while its being devoured. Mom and Dad get odd look on their faces. Dad wonders if there isn't a street corner he could hang out on instead.

Calvin asks Dad how a light bulb works. Dad says magic. Calvin reminds Dad that's how he told Calvin a vacuum cleaner works. Dad says both are magic. Calvin is skeptical. He says he thinks Dad just doesn't know how they work. Dad tells him not to believe him, who's been around a lot longer than Calvin. Calvin turns on the light for Mom and tells her it's magic. She tells Calvin that's not magic.

Driving along the road, Calvin tells Dad there is a town coming up. He suggests they just pull off, find a nice motel, and stay there for their vacation. They could swim in the pool, have air conditioning, cable TV, and room service. No one would have to know they didn't camp. Calvin won't tell. He suggests they can go to the store, buy a big fish, take his picture with it, and say they caught it. He asks Dad if they can. Mom thinks that's a good idea. Dad looks at her and tells her not to start.

Dad pulls up the canoe and says they're here. Calvin says it's good ol' "Itchy Island", home of the nuclear mosquitos. Dad says bug bites build character. Calvin reminds him that last year Dad said diarrhea builds character. Dad wants Calvin to think of what a fine young man he's growing up to be. Calvin agrees, if building all this character doesn't kill him first. Dad asks Calvin to open the duffel bag and get out the Spam. Calvin tells him that if the canoe is gone in the morning, it means Hobbes and he struck out for home.

Dad says it's great to be there. He thinks he'll jump in for a swim. He asks Mom to join him. Mom thinks the lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Dad asks Calvin to join him. Calvin doesn't want to start the week with a little hypothermia. Dad goes in alone. Swimming on the lake, he comments on the best thing about vacations being the family togetherness.

Dad is outside Calvin's tent telling him to wake up and watch the fish jumping. He says it's a beautiful morning. The sun is barely up, and there is a mist on the water. There isn't a soul anywhere. He tells Calvin he thought Calvin wanted to go fishing. He tells him he has to get up early if he wants to catch anything. The canoe's ready, and the fishing pole is loaded. Calvin yells for Mom to make Dad go away. Fishing alone on the lake, Dad comments that another thing he likes about vacations is the sharing of special moments.

Dad decides that's enough fishing for now. He paddles back to camp. He can't wait for breakfast. He can almost smell the coffee from the canoe. He pulls the canoe up and wonders where everyone is. He yells that there will be some smallmouth bass flopping around in some sleeping bags in a minute or two. Mom looks out her tent and says she likes it when Dad goes off to work in the mornings. Dad says it's 6:30 already. He asks if they're going to waste the whole day.

Calvin plays on the beach. He complains that he's getting sand in his suit, and he doesn't want to sit on the beach. In the water, he complains the water is too cold. On the beach again, he complains that there's too much sun, and he'll get sunburned. Dad tries to put tanning lotion on Calvin, but he complains the lotion makes him greasy and the shirt makes him too hot. Under the umbrella, he complains it's boring in the shade. Walking along the beach with Dad, he complains that he hates walking. His legs are tired, the sand is hot, the water's cold, there's no shade, and he still has sand in his suit. Mom and Dad pick up the beach towels and umbrella. Calvin asks if they're going already.

Calvin asks Dad if he's painting a picture. Dad says yes. Calvin looks at the picture, then looks at the scene Dad is painting. Calvin says Dad is giving his harmonica playing skills a real run for the money.

Dad tries to take a picture of Mom and Calvin eating. Mom says no, because she hasn't washed her hair for three days, and she's covered with bug bites. Dad asks if she doesn't want something to remember the trip by. Calvin doesn't want to remember it. He says he's been trying to forget it ever since they got there. He asks when they're leaving this dump. Dad walks away saying the next time he sees one of those smarmy Kodak commercials, he's going to put an ax through the TV.

As they're packing up to leave, Dad comments on how quickly the vacation went. He thinks after being out there, it will be a shock to go back to civilization. Calvin walks by with his sleeping bag and says he can't wait to get into the car, and crank up the A/C and some tunes. He tells Dad to shake a leg. Dad suggests that some day he'll get his DNA tested to see if Calvin really is his kid.

Sitting on the step of their home, Calvin asks Dad where the sun goes when it sets. Dad says Flagstaff, Arizona. He says that's why the rocks there are so red. Calvin asks if the sun doesn't crush the state when it lands. Dad says no. He holds a quarter in front of the sun and tells Calvin the sun is about the same size. Calvin mentions he thought the sun was really big. Dad tells him he can't believe everything he reads. Calvin asks how the sun can rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night. Dad says it's time for Calvin to go to bed. As Mom tucks Calvin in, he tells her that he hopes someday to be as smart as Dad. Mom asks what Dad told him now.

Dad's going off to work. Calvin says it's a nice day to sit under a tree and read a good book. Calvin says it's too bad that's a luxury at Dad's age. He says maybe Dad can do it when he's 65. Calvin is sure Dad will be there before he knows it. He wishes Dad a good day at work. Calvin walks up to Mom and tells her Dad sure is surly in the mornings.

Calvin tells Dad he performed a scientific experiment today. He wanted to see if it's true that north is up and south is down, like what maps show. Dad asks what he found out. Calvin tells him not much. Dad's compass didn't survive the trip south from the top of the tree. Calvin walks away telling Dad to let him know when he's replaced it. His junior scientist book told him not to be discouraged by temporary setbacks.

The family drives up to the Natural History Museum. Calvin sees the stegosaurus in front. Calvin can't wait to see the dinosaurs and rushes from the car. Mom says it's been a while since they were at the museum. Dad mentions that was at the museum's request. That reminds Mom, who tells Calvin not to bite anyone this time. Calvin is already roaring like a dinosaur.

Mom asks Calvin what kind of dinosaur they're in front of. Calvin tells her it's a stegosaurus. Mom says it looks ferocious, but Calvin tells her it was a plant eater. He tells her the tail spikes were for self-defense. Mom then asks if tyrannosaurs fought them. Calvin tells her of course not. Tyrannosaurs came millions of years later. Calvin walks to the building telling her not to embarrass him when they go inside. Dad wonders why they're going in if he knows everything already.

The allosaurus stalks his prey. A herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence. The allosaurus lunges at a straggler. The brontosaurus rises to its full height. What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size? Calvin jumps on Dad's back and yells that he's hungry. Dad is standing at the grill. He says he's cooking the hamburgers and tells Calvin to get off him.

Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, who stops him. Calvin asks if the book was a best-seller, if the author won a Pulitzer, and if the New York Times liked it. Calvin wants stories that come highly recommended. He asks if there are laudatory comments on the book's dust jacket. Dad starts again. "Once upon a time, there was a noisy kid who started going to bed without a story". Calvin asks if that book has been made into a movie and whether they could be watching it on video.

Calvin tells Dad he's inventing a robot and asks if Dad can get him a patent. Calvin shows their robot. It's Tinkertoys with a coffee can head. He says he's been working on it all afternoon. He says it's not perfected yet. Dad asks what it does. Calvin admits they haven't figured out a way to make it do what he wants. Dad says not to be discouraged. He and Mom got the same results after working on Calvin for six years.

Calvin wakes up excited. It's Saturday! He and Hobbes run for the stairs. No homework, no school. Just cartoons and fun all day long. They bump down the stairs saying to turn on the TV, get out the cereal. Mom asks Dad why he's getting up since it's barely light out. Dad, putting on his pants, says he's going to the office to get some sleep.

Calvin starts to eat his dinner. He holds the food in his mouth. He takes a drink. His cheeks puff out. His eyes get wide. He looks back and forth. He ducks under the table. He looks relieved, and his mouth is empty. Mom tells Dad she wants him to look at that discolored spot on the rug. She says it seems to be getting bigger all the time. Calvin asks if he can leave the table right now.

Calvin tells Dad that at the fresh fish counter at the supermarket, you can buy real squid. He says they're pretty gross. Dad says he bets. Calvin walks away. Dad turns around in his chair and wonders what Calvin is doing.

Mom is looking for her shoes. Dad's putting his tie on, but he hasn't seen them. Mom says they were right there. She's in her dress. Dad says they'll be late. Mom says she can't go anywhere without her shoes and asks Dad to help her look. Calvin is hiding the shoes in the closet. He says they're not leaving he and Hobbes with a baby sitter tonight.

The doorbell rings. It's Rosalyn! Calvin goes to the door. He tells Rosalyn that his parents have changed their minds about going out and won't be needing her services. Dad comes out and asks Calvin what he's talking about. Calvin says they can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes. Dad wonders what Calvin knows about that. Calvin looks guilty, says he doesn't know anything and asks if Mom's shoes are missing. Rosalyn asks to be paid in advance.

At the restaurant, Mom and Dad are holding hands with wine glasses on the table. Mom says it's nice for them to get out of the house alone together for a change. Dad says it's so nice and quiet, they should do it more often. At home, Rosalyn yells in that she's going to break a window to get in. Calvin, on the phone, tells Chuck that his girlfriend is a psycho. He hopes Charlie isn't making any long-range plans around her.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin says this is fun. All the TV shows they aren't allowed to watch and a bag of cookies each. They hear a slam. Calvin wonders what it is. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified and wonders how she got in. Mom and Dad come up behind Rosalyn. Calvin gulps and decides it's past his bedtime.

Mom drags Calvin while he protests that is was a misunderstanding, an innocent mistake. Mom explains that locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just mean, it was dangerous. She explains that if he had gotten hurt or there was a fire, Rosalyn wouldn't have been able to help him. She tells Calvin to go apologize. Calvin does. Dad adds that he and Mom are sorry too and assures her Calvin will behave himself next time. Rosalyn says an extra five would help there be a next time.

Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom looked over his report card and think he could do better. Calvin says he doesn't like school. Dad explains that Calvin likes to read and likes to learn. He knows Calvin has read every dinosaur book ever written, and he learned a lot. He says reading and learning are fun. Dad asks why he doesn't like school. Calvin tells him they don't read about dinosaurs.

Calvin has an idea for Dad. He suggests Dad pay him $1 for every "D", $5 for every "C", $10 for every "B", and $50 for every "A". Dad says he's not going to bribe Calvin. He should apply himself for his own good. Calvin says rats, he thought he could make a quick four bucks.

Calvin can't sleep, he's been thinking. Hobbes asks about what. Calvin wonders what happens if there is no afterlife. That would mean this life is all you get. That would mean he's sitting in bed as precious moments of his all-too-short life disappear forever. Mom wakes Dad asking if he hears the television on.

Dad is sitting on his chair, reading. Calvin blows up a paper bag and pops it. Dad jumps. Calvin tells him to pay attention to him.

Calvin asks Dad why old photographs are black and white. He asks if they didn't have color film back then. Dad tells him they did, but the world was black and white then. He says the world didn't turn color until the 1930's. Calvin says that's weird. Dad says truth is stranger than fiction. Calvin then asks why old paintings are in color. If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Dad says a lot of great artists were insane. Calvin asks how they could have painted in color. Their paints would have been shades of gray. Dad says the paints turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. Calvin then asks why old black and white photos didn't turn color. Dad says because they were color pictures of black and white. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes the world is a complicated place. Hobbes says whenever it seems that way, he takes a nap in a tree and waits for dinner.

Dad answers the phone, and it's Calvin. Calvin tells him he's at school. Dad asks if everything is alright. He asks why he called. Calvin says he told the teacher he had to go to the bathroom. Instead, Calvin went to the pay phone. He asks Dad what 11 + 7 is.

Calvin is mailing his Christmas list to Santa. It's costing $2.40 to send. Calvin says Santa had better read it carefully. Last year, he didn't get half of what he wanted. Hobbes asks Calvin if he behaved better this year. Calvin says he's been a veritable angel this year, like always. Hobbes says in that case, they can have a cookout with his stocking contents. Hobbes asks if Calvin put anything on his list for him. Calvin tells him to make his own list. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and tells Calvin "tidings of comfort and joy to you too". Calvin tells him it's every man for himself in this world. But since Calvin can't reach the mail box flap to open it, he tells Hobbes to give him a boost.

Calvin asks Dad when they're going to get a Christmas tree. Dad tells Calvin a little after New Year's. Calvin is shocked. Dad explains that they can go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. Dad continues by saying there's sometimes some tinsel left on the trees, so you don't even have to decorate it. You save time and money. Calvin, horrified, clings to Mom's ankle. Mom asks what Dad told him this time.

Calvin asks what his disgusting dinner is. Mom sets the plate down and tells him it's spider pie. She says he can pick out the big legs and give them to Dad if they're too hairy for Calvin. Calvin looks at the plate. Calvin decides he likes it. Mom says they'll have a quiet dinner for once. Dad says he sure doesn't feel like opening his mouth.

Calvin tells Dad he's making a newspaper to report the events of the household. He asks Dad to help him out either by giving him fifteen bucks to pay labor and production costs or to be the subject of a comic strip, "Dopey Dad". Under his blanket at night, using a flashlight, Calvin and Hobbes are drawing the comic strip. Calvin has Dopey Dad yelling "It's bed time for you, young man". Hobbes chuckles about how big he made the mouth.

Dad asks Calvin what story he'd like to hear. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad wants to read something different. Calvin insists. Dad says he's going to read a different story that Calvin will like. Calvin says he won't like it. He threatens to stay awake until morning unless Dad reads Hamster Huey. Afterward, Hobbes tells Calvin he doesn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that sarcastic tone of voice. Calvin doesn't remember Hamster Huey doing everything so fast.

Calvin is standing in the snow watching Dad walk by. Calvin asks if Dad is wearing a new hat. Dad says yes. Calvin says he likes it, and Dad says he does, also. Calvin makes a snowball. Dad's briefcase is lying on the sidewalk next to his new hat which has snow around it. Off screen, Calvin yells that Dad is going to be late for work.

Calvin asks Dad to play outside in the snow with him. Dad is doing paperwork, so he can't play. Dad keeps working, but it's hard to concentrate. He looks out the window, then at his papers. He gets up and joins Calvin outside. They build a snowman together. That night, Dad is again working on his papers, but Mom holds Calvin up so he can give Dad a goodnight kiss on the head.

Dad gets home, and Calvin says hi. Dad replies, and another Calvin comes by to say hi. Dad says that he already told him hi. Another Calvin says hi, and Dad tells him to knock it off. Mom tells Dad that he should have a talk with Calvin. He's been driving her crazy.

Mom, Dad, and Calvin are walking outside. Calvin complains that his toes are numb. Dad tells him numb toes build character. Calvin asks if frostbite, hypothermia, and death build character too. He says this is the worst day of his life. He says it seems like they've been walking for hours. Mom asks him to quit griping. Calvin says he's not griping. He's just observing what a miserable experience this walk is. He complains that as long as he's trudging hundreds of miles for no apparent reason, he might as well do it in silence. He continues ranting about being in the elements like a complete idiot, watching his digits turn to ice and fall off. They finally get home. Calvin grabs his toboggan and runs to play.

Calvin asks Dad if he threw a snowball at someone and deliberately missed, would it be "bad". Dad says that since it would be a little provoking, it would be a little bad. Not as bad as if you hit the person, but more than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Calvin then asks how bad it would be if you just grazed the person, or knocked off his hat and glasses. Dad says that would mean instant death.

Calvin hands Hobbes a deck of cards. He says to throw them into the air, and he'll plug the ace of spades. Hobbes is thrilled to see a shooting trick. Up the cards go. BLAM! BAM! POW! ZING! BLOOIE! BANG! Hobbes grabs the ace of spades and finds six holes in it. Calvin tells Hobbes how he did it. He used a hole puncher ahead of time. Dad, Mom, and a friend are playing cards. Dad decides he'll fold. The friend, holding the ace of spades with six holes in it, asks what's with this deck.

Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, but Calvin stops him. Calvin tells Dad that he'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, the bears joining up with the big bad wolf and then eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. He tells Dad to tell him a story like that. Dad asks how Hansel and Gretel should meet their untimely demise. Calvin suggests the witch eats them, then the wolf eats the witch.

Calvin asks Dad if he can take the gas can for the lawn mower to the back yard. Dad says it's 8:00 at night. He asks Calvin what he wants to do that. Calvin tells him he wants to pour the gasoline in big letters on the lawn, then set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over. Dad tells him no, he can't do that. He tells him not to be ridiculous. Dad puts the side of his head on his hand and says he doesn't even want to know what he intended to write.

Calvin is lying on his bed reading a comic book. Dad asks how his math is coming. Calvin informs him that he doesn't do math anymore. He's more of a "visual" person. Dad tells him to visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Calvin is doing his homework and Hobbes comes over to ask if he's visualizing sums now. Grumpily, Calvin tells him he's visualizing Hobbes in traction.

Mom tells Calvin he'd better go to bed. Calvin wants to read a little more. Mom says they don't want him to get too smart. Calvin is puzzled. Dad explains that if Calvin were smarter, he might realize...his parents are really bug-eyed aliens from Neptune! They rip their masks off, and Calvin runs away. They grab him, get batter ready, and dunk him. They say there's nothing like a fresh batch of earth boy waffles. Calvin wakes up. He says he wasn't asleep and isn't tired. As Mom and Dad carry Calvin to bed, Mom notices Calvin's face was pushed into Dad's leg so hard, it left corduroy lines.

Mom invites Rosalyn in. Dad says Calvin will be on his best behavior, but Rosalyn asks for an advance. Dad isn't sure about that. Mom asks to speak with Dad. Dad tells her Rosalyn asked for an advance on tonight when she left last time. Mom tells him she doesn't care. She tells Dad to pay what it takes to get them out of there.

As Dad leaves, he catches Calvin's attention. Dad drags a finger across his throat, then closes the door. Calvin sits on the floor and says he's going to look at the wall tonight. Rosalyn says she'll tell him when it's bedtime.

Stupendous Man is out the door. Rosalyn yells out that his parents told him to behave. She says they're not going to be happy when they hear about this. Mom and Dad are in the restaurant. Dad says that if they had bought a dog like he wanted, they could go out like this all the time. Mom says they came to relax and should talk about something else.

Calvin asks Dad to explain the theory of relativity to him. He can't understand how time goes slower at great speed. Dad says it's because you keep changing time zones. It's like when you fly to California and gain two hours on a five-hour flight. Dad says at the speed of light, you gain more time because it doesn't take as long to get there. Dad says the theory of relativity only works if you're heading west. Calvin tells him that isn't what Mom said at all. She must be off her rocker. Dad says men are better at abstract reasoning. He tells Calvin to tell Mom that.

Dad tells Calvin he heard Calvin signed up to play ball. Calvin admits he only did it to stop getting teased. Dad tells Calvin team sports are good for teaching teamwork and cooperation, winning graciously and accepting defeat. He says it builds character. Calvin says he's regretted every time he's built character. He says he doesn't want to learn teamwork or how to learn about winning or losing. He doesn't even want to compete. He asks what's wrong with having fun by yourself. Dad tells him when you grow up, it's not allowed. Calvin says that's all the more reason he should do it now.

Dad asks what story Calvin wants tonight. He wants a story about Hobbes and him. Dad starts making up a story about them getting up at the crack of dawn, making a huge ruckus, running up and sliding down the stairs. Calvin adds about the Big Bad Dad yelling at them and saying he'd mail them to Pluto third class if they didn't knock it off. Dad continues that Calvin went to rot out his innards with chocolate cereal and rot his brain watching cartoons. Calvin doesn't want editorials. Dad continues that Calvin and Hobbes went outside, and it was nice and quiet in the house for a while. He tells Calvin good night. Calvin complains that's not the end. Dad gives Calvin a kiss and says he's right. That isn't the end of the story. The story doesn't have an end. He and Hobbes will write more of it tomorrow and every day after. But for now, it's time to sleep. Calvin says that was a good story. Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a good night.

Dad offers to help Calvin practice baseball before dinner. Calvin goes out to get ready to field a ground ball. He complains that he should just move. Dad gets ready to hit the ball and tells Calvin not to wait on the ball. He needs to run up to the ball. Dad leans over Calvin, lying on the ground. Dad says the ball sometimes bounces up like that, and he has to be ready for that. Calvin, speaking through a clogged nose, tells Dad thanks for the tip. He tells Dad to find his nose and put it on ice so they can sew it back on.

Mom asks why they're coming back inside. Dad tells her a ground ball bounced up and hit Calvin in the nose. Calvin, still talking through a clogged nose, says his own Dad tried to kill him. His nose is bleeding. Mom tells him to hold his head back and use some tissues. Calvin says he's not playing baseball again. Dad says they can forget about having a millionaire baseball player supporting them in their old age. Calvin holds the tissues to his nose saying all his character is dripping out his nose.

Calvin asks Mom if she felt anything funny when she got dressed that morning. She asks what he means. He explains something tickly or scratchy. Something like a bite or sting. She asks what he has behind his back. Calvin hands her a flyswatter and bug spray, saying she might want those. He runs off. Dad sees Mom changing her clothes and comments on women always doing that. Mom says that after she gets that kid, he's next.

Dad is reading in his chair when Calvin walks up to him. Calvin waves his arms and says "KA ZAM!" Dad turns into a giant, alien bug. Calvin walks away while Dad asks what that was about.

Calvin asks Dad if he'd pay him a dollar to eat a bug. Dad says he'd have to eat a whole bucket of bugs before he'd pay him a dollar. Dad adds that Calvin could pick up sticks in the back yard for a dollar, if he'd prefer. Calvin, while picking up sticks, laments that his real skills are undervalued.

Dad starts reading a bedtime story. Calvin asks if the story has any shoot-ups in it. Dad says no. Calvin asks if it has any violence at all. Dad says of course not. Calvin asks Dad why he thinks Calvin will like the story.

Calvin walks toward Dad rubbing his eyes and yawning. Dad tells him he's missed the best part of the day. Dad says he's been up since 6:30, and he's gotten many things accomplished. Calvin walks off saying when he has a day off, he can tell the difference. Dad says he just knows some nurse switched the bassinets.

Dad sees Calvin playing a record, so he decides to tell Calvin something interesting. He shows the point on the label and a point on the outer edge of the record. They make a circle at the same time. Dad says the point on the outside of the record has to travel faster because it makes a bigger circle. Two points on the same disk, moving at different speeds, even though they make the same revolutions per minute. Calvin lies awake in his bed at night, eyes wide open, trying to understand it.

Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad asks if it's important. Calvin tells him to forget he called him "Dad". He says it's not Calvin. Dad tells him he has work to do and that he'll see him when he gets home. Calvin asks if he has any crimes to report. Standing in his Stupendous Man costume, Calvin says this secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.

Calvin shows Hobbes he has a baby tooth that's hanging on by a thread. Hobbes cringes. Calvin tells Mom that he can turn it all the way around with his tongue. Mom covers her mouth with her hands. Calvin shows Dad he can move the tooth from side to side. Dad covers his eyes and sticks his tongue out. Calvin looks in a mirror and says they're all just jealous.

At the dinner table, Calvin says "Look" and points to the side. When Mom looks over, Calvin dumps his dinner onto Mom's plate. Mom says she didn't see anything. Calvin tells her she missed it, and he's done eating. Dad looks over and asks what Calvin saw. Mom looks at her heaping plate and says "an opportunity".

Everything has turned neo-cubist. It started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a debate. Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue. Then Calvin began to see both sides of everything. The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned. Perspective has been fractured. The multiple views provide too much information. Calvin tries to eliminate all but one perspective. It works! The world falls into a recognizable order. He walks up to Dad and tells him he's still wrong.

At the dinner table, Calvin asks to be excused to watch a TV program. Mom says they're still eating. Calvin says he's finished. He says the stuff was awful, and he wants to watch television. Mom explains that it's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. Calvin asks if he's just supposed to sit there and watch them chew. Mom tells him his television show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. Calvin offers a compromise of watching a sitcom family. Angrily, Dad says that in a minute, Calvin's going to discover the difference between those and real life.

Calvin says his TV show is starting. Dad is sure Calvin's instinct for survival will kick in soon. Calvin wants to know what the big deal is about dinner. He says lots of people watch TV while they eat. Dad tells him that dinner is the one meal a day they set aside to be together and talk. He says there's more to being a family than just being in the same house. They need to interact once in a while. Calvin says they could argue about what channel to watch.

Grumpily, Calvin says he's missed half his show. He hopes Mom and Dad are happy. Dad says he shouldn't be planning his life around the TV anyway. Dad says he doesn't think it's too much to ask that they sit together 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. The phone rings, and Mom goes to get it. She says she's expecting a call. Calvin tells Dad to go ahead. He thinks Dad was saying something funny. Dad says he has all these great genes, but they're all recessive. That's the problem here.

Calvin and Hobbes are going to race to a tree. Hobbes says this one will determine the championship of the universe. Calvin asks how long they've been outside. Hobbes tells him an hour. Calvin races off saying where does the time go. He goes over to the window and tells Dad he's not having any fun.

Dad says it's getting dark, and he calls Calvin inside. Calvin was catching fire flies, and he wants to stay out longer. Dad says first Calvin didn't want to go out, now he doesn't want to come in. Dad tells him that by not watching TV, he had more fun and will have memories of something real he did instead of something fake that he watched. In bed, Calvin says nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.

Calvin tells Dad it's too bad he wasn't nicer to him all these years. He explains that he's not inclined to share his future millions with Dad. He shows him the pictures he took. Dad comments that he didn't realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. Calvin wants to know what Dad is insinuating.

A quetzalcoatlus swoops over the tyrannosaurus. The tyrannosaur lunges and brings down the flying pest. The commotion draws other tyrannosaurs, greedy for an undeserved piece. Mom asks Calvin for a piece of chicken at the picnic table. Calvin whisks the plate away, saying it's all his. Driven away by the roaring and gnashing of the intruders, the tyrannosaur nurses a deep grudge. Revenge will soon be his.

Calvin comes into the house all scarred and dirty. Dad asks what happened to him. Calvin tells him the bicycle tried to kill him. Dad asks if he fell off. Calvin says it took 40 minutes to subdue it to the point he could climb on, then it bucked him over the handlebars. Dad asks if he fell off. Calvin tells him it then tried to run him over. He says he's lucky to be alive. Dad tells him balancing takes a little practice. Calvin asks Dad if he has a rifle and if he'll shoot the bike.

Calvin peeks out the door. After he's outside, the bike peeks around the corner at him. The bike chases him down the street. Looking at Calvin lying on the ground, Dad says maybe they should get his inner ear checked.

Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk. He tears off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper. At his size, folding the sheet is difficult, but Calvin's patience is rewarded. He makes a paper airplane, pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk. A gust from an open window sends Calvin across the house. Calvin leans to steer. He runs the paper plane into Dad. Sitting under a tree outside, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't need parents. All he needs is a recording that says "go play outside".

Calvin walks up to his bike asking if it would like some oil. Calvin jumps at the bike, saying it's going to the scrap heap. The two struggle. Mom is cleaning Calvin, who's all scarred and dirty. Dad says he never got his face caught in the chain when he was learning to ride a bike. Mom asks Calvin what really happened. Calvin insists he already told her.

Calvin runs up to Hobbes telling him he put the stick in the bicycle's spokes. Calvin says when it tried to chase him, it flipped over. Calvin says he then wrestled it to exhaustion and let the air out of its tires. He says that nasty ol' thing won't be coming after him anymore. He says they're too smart for it. Mom notices Dad putting training wheels on Calvin's bicycle. Dad says he pumped up the tires. They were both flat.

Calvin walks up to Dad and says he supposes Dad wants to know how he's doing in the polls. Dad doesn't. Calvin shows him a chart indicating the "Average Dad Approval Rating" being 70%. He shows Dad's rating at just under 10%. Calvin continues showing charts that indicate Dad's rating would improve with every hour added to bedtime. By midnight, Dad would be up to normal. Calvin concludes by saying these findings suggest a logical course of action. Dad wonders how much time Calvin spends making those charts.

Dad gets the morning paper and notes that he always rushes off and never takes time to enjoy days like this. He has his coffee and says he'd like to have a quiet day around the house. He could read a book, go on a bike ride, spend time with Calvin. He thinks about taking the day off. Calvin runs by. Mom runs by, head covered with shampoo. She yells for Calvin to get back there and pick up every dead bug he put in her shampoo. Dad watches all this. Later, he is sitting at his desk whistling.

Mom and Dad sleepily open Calvin's bedroom door. He is sitting in bed with a pair of drums and a horn. He asks them if he has to have a reason for everything.

Dad is cooking on the grill. Calvin comes up and says cooked-out hamburgers may be charred on the outside, raw on the inside, but they have that special outdoor flavor...of lighter fluid. Calvin asks when they eat. From his bed, he yells "Whaddaya mean tomorrow".

Calvin asks Dad if he supports the free expression of ideas in their society. Dad says he does, and says that's the first thing in the Bill of Rights. Calvin clarifies that Dad would be against censorship and the suppression of ideas he found distasteful. Dad agrees, saying you have to take that bad with the good. Calvin then says Dad wouldn't object to Calvin being exposed to art, movies, or music that some people think is offensive and shocking. Dad starts to explain about their responsibility to be culturally educated and able to make critical distinctions. Calvin accuses Dad of stalling.

Mom and Dad are talking at the table. Mom says she sometimes feels their life has gotten too complicated, they've accumulated more than they need, they've accepted too many demands. Dad quotes Thoreau saying "simplify, simplify". He suggests maybe they need to do that. Mom asks how. Calvin walks by, and Mom and Dad look at him. Calvin says he hates it when they look at him that way.

Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad says unless it's very important, hang up. He's very busy. Calvin hangs up. At home, Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the edge of the kitchen sink. Water is pouring over the edge of the sink onto the floor. The water is a couple feet deep on the floor already. Calvin says this should qualify in another 15 minutes.

Calvin has a bat and flips the ball into the air to hit it. He has to run to chase the ball, then misses it when it comes down. Dad stands with a glove on saying he wouldn't worry about this if Calvin was a better student.

Calvin walks past a bush, and his bicycle leaps out and attacks him. He gets a rope and lassoes the bike. The bicycle drags him along the ground. Calvin wrestles with the bike. Dad comes by later, sees the bike tied to a tree with rope, and laments that you buy the kid a good, expensive lock, and look.

Dad asks Mom how the meeting went with Calvin's teacher. Mom saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in art class. The pictures were left on their desks so parents would recognize their child's seat. Dad asks if Mom found Calvin's picture. She says she saw one picture with a green kid with fangs, six eyes, and a finger up his nose. She says the meeting went downhill from there.

Dad wants to check over Calvin's math homework. Calvin doesn't want to. Dad says his teacher said he needed to spend more time on it. Calvin complains he's already spent ten whole minutes on it. Dad sees an answer Calvin wrote, 8 + 4 = 7. Dad says Calvin knows that's not right. Calvin says he was off a bit, sue him. Dad says you can't add things and come out with less than you started with. Calvin protests that he can do that, it's a free country and he has his rights.

Dad tries to explain that when you add something, you increase what you have. Calvin says he doesn't want to learn this. It's irrelevant to his life. Dad says everyone needs to know this. Calvin insists he doesn't. He can get along without math. Dad asks what he wants to be when he grows up. Every job requires some math. Calvin says he's going to be a caveman. Dad counters that isn't really a job.

Dad tries to show Calvin. He has eight pennies and asks for four more. Calvin tells him he's the one with the steady paycheck. Dad tells him to give him four pennies and asks how much he has now. Calvin asks about investments and all. Dad only cares about the money on the table. Calvin replies eight cents. Dad tells him eight plus four is twelve. Calvin protests those four pennies are his.

Mom asks how the math lesson is going. Dad thinks pretty well. Dad explains that he took pennies and showed how adding or subtracting them changed how much money he had. Mom hopes Calvin will do better in class now. Dad thinks he will. He says Calvin was having fun with it by the end. Calvin tells Hobbes to give him another five cents and they'll see what he has.

Dad is getting dressed for work, and Calvin asks why he is the one who goes to work and not Mom. Dad explains that Mom used to work, but when Calvin was born someone had to stay home. He says Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation. Calvin asks if she wanted to quit. Dad said no, she had gotten used to it, so they figured she should be the one to stay at home with Calvin.

Calvin is sitting on a stool with a smile on his face. Dad is getting ready to take a picture. Dad counts to three and says click. Calvin is still smiling. He says click again. Calvin still smiles. Dad actually snaps the picture, but Calvin is making a face.

Calvin says it's 8:00, and they have to go to bed already. Calvin complains someone is always running his life. He never gets to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what he would do if he could stay up. He says something fun, like whatever Mom and Dad get to do. Mom and Dad are asleep in their living room chairs, snoring.

Calvin gives Dad a mask so he can avoid tiger attacks. Calvin says he read in a book that tigers can't tell which way you're facing with the mask on. Dad decides he'll take a chance and not look like a lunatic. Calvin says if he'd rather look like raw hamburger, be his guest. Dad asks Mom if they're out of aspirin again.

Tranquil Mt. Calvin blows sky high. He's a live volcano. Molten lava sprays into the heavens. Calvin is frantically drinking water at the dinner table. Dad tells him he warned him the chili sauce was hot. Mom says he spewed it all across the table.

Calvin is yawning, making odd faces, frowning, making pucker faces, sticking his tongue out, sticking his finger in his nose, lifting the ends of his mouth, and pulling his face. Dad and Mom are looking at pictures. Dad says that's their son. Mom says these pictures will remind them of more than they want to remember.

Dad has rakes leaves into a pile. Calvin asks if they can burn them. Dad says that pollutes. Calvin wonders how they'll appease the mighty snow demons if they don't sacrifice any leaves. They'll have a warm winter. Dad doesn't know whether Calvin's grasp of theology or meteorology is more appalling. Calvin walks off saying he'll light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.

Calvin tells Dad he'll guess any number Dad's thinking of. He tells Dad to pick a number, and Dad does. Calvin asks if it's 92,376,051. Dad says it is. Calvin is shocked. He points at Dad and says wait a minute. He wonders if Dad is just trying to get rid of him. Dad says Calvin's psychic. He tells Calvin to go show Mom.

Calvin tells Dad that when he grows up, he's going to be the richest man alive. He says he won't let wealth change him. Dad says that was their last hope. Calvin fumes. He tells Dad he's going to be pretty lonely in the nursing home. Dad says then maybe he can finish the book he's reading.

Dad asks Mom if she's seen his glasses. He can't find them. Calvin comes out wearing Dad's glasses and has his hair slicked down. Calvin puts his arms on his hips and tells Dad "Calvin, go do something you hate. Being miserable builds character". Mom falls off the chair laughing. Dad tells her the voice was a little funny, but that's one darn sarcastic kid they're raising.

Dad asks Calvin if he's watching a Christmas special. Calvin says yes. Dad comments on another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. Dad walks off saying he hates to think what Calvin's learning from this. Calvin says he's learning he needs his own TV so he can watch it someplace else.

Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Dad says the shopping is done, presents are wrapped, and Calvin is in bed. Dad says sometime the season seems out of control. They don't always think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mom says it's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. Calvin walks up with a fire extinguisher. He asks if this is Santa flambe.

Dad turns off the TV and tells Calvin to play outside. Calvin doesn't want to. Grumpily, he goes outside. He starts to build a snow man. He places it by the window looking in at Dad. Twigs are placed for hands to have the snow man thumbing his ears at Dad.

Calvin complains to Dad that it's so cold he can see his breath. Dad says the thermostat is staying where it is. Calvin is surprised water pipes haven't frozen. He says his lips are blue, he's catching pneumonia and is going into hypothermia. Dad suggests that if he's cold, why doesn't he shovel the driveway to get his blood moving. Later, Dad compliments Calvin on his sweater.

The snow goon goes to the front yard. Calvin and Hobbes cut around the house to build a snow fort. Calvin doesn't know what the snow goon is going to do, but he knows they're going to need protection. Dad tells Calvin the snowman out front is hideous. He asks why Calvin can't build a normal one. Calvin replies that he tried.

Calvin and Hobbes quietly come down the stairs, saying "Shh" to each other. They get dressed to go outside, saying "Shh" to each other. They leave the house, saying "Shh" to each other. Mom and Dad are startled awake by Calvin yelling for the snow goon to die.

Mom and Dad get out of bed. Mom sees Calvin outside with the garden hose. Dad runs outside yelling for Calvin to come inside. He slips on the ice created by Calvin's watering and slides across the yard. Calvin runs off with Hobbes while being chased by Dad, who is covered with snow. Calvin yells that Dad is a snow goon, too.

Dad carries Calvin into the house. Calvin says he can explain. He tells Mom that he had to freeze the snow goons or they would have gotten him. Dad tells Calvin it's after midnight. He says they'll discuss it very thoroughly tomorrow. He sends Calvin to bed. Wide-eyed, Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to get any sleep now.

Calvin explains to Mom and Dad how the snow goons were building an army. He asks if they see. He explains he had to freeze them while they were sleeping. He asks if they see. He says it all makes sense. He asks if they see. Mom and Dad just look at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes they never see.

Spaceman Spiff crashes on Planet Plootarg. He sets off in search of a service station. He sees the Zarches have followed him to the planet's surface to finish him off. The planet's soft, granular ground makes him easy to track. He runs backwards, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction. By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, Spiff fools the aliens. Calvin, up in a tree, looks down at Mom and Dad. They're yelling that it's time to go in. Dad says he knows Calvin went this way, and that they'll find him.

There is a snowman with a hole shot in him from a cannon behind. There is a snowman with a shovel, looking at the ground where the head of another snowman lies. Calvin has another snowman on a chair with a noose around its neck. Looking out the kitchen window, Dad tells Mom that she has to admit it's slowed down the traffic on their road.

Calvin has shoveled the front steps of the house. He has also shoveled a meandering path around the yard, going around trees, before heading toward the driveway. Dad, standing on the steps wanting to get to the car in the driveway, yells at Calvin for not just shoveling the sidewalk over to the driveway.

Dad tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin tells him he can put his body to bed, but his spirit's going to stay playing. He asks Dad why he shouldn't just stay up. Dad explains that the body is the home of the spirit, and if he's not in bed in two minutes, his spirit is going to be permanently nomadic. Calvin, in bed, says "home sweet home".

Calvin's world suddenly has no hue, value, or chroma. He asks if the photoreceptors in his eyes have stopped working, or has the fundamental nature of light changed. Perhaps something has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum. As he walks, he wonders if objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths. Whatever the case, it's clear to Calvin that there's no point in discussing things with Dad. Dad tells Calvin that his problem is, Calvin sees everything in terms of black and white. Calvin angrily replies sometimes that's the way things are.

Calvin tells Dad he has a better idea for shoveling the driveway. He'll pack the snow into a big ramp. Then Dad can rev up the car, throw out the clutch, and leave a patch of molten rubber in the garage, then zoom up the ramp. Calvin will have barrels down the driveway to see how many Dad can clear. He thinks that would be great. Apparently, Dad doesn't. Calvin walks through the snow, shovel over his shoulder, not knowing why some people even have cars.

Dad pulls the car into the driveway to see several snowmen standing in the yard near the driveway. The snowmen are carrying signs saying "Later bedtimes, fewer baths", "Egad, bad Dad", "Calvin's Dad unfair", and "Too strict". Dad says no one else at the office talks about this kind of thing.

Calvin is making something in the snow. It looks like a raised zigzag pattern. Mom and Dad look out from the window at Calvin, saying he's been working on it since early that morning. They can't tell what it is. From the window, it doesn't look like anything. From above, we see that Calvin has been making an image of a monster getting ready to bite down on the house.

Calvin asks Dad how soldiers killing each other solves the world's problems. Dad sits there looking. He keeps sitting and looking. Calvin walks off saying he thinks grown-ups just act like they know what they're doing.

Tracer says he just about had it figured out when the dame's hired goon jumped out. Dad lectures Calvin while Calvin thinks a symphony was playing in his head, and the acoustics were terrible. The orchestra went on a tour of his brain, and he had a season pass with front row tickets. He had figured out who trashed the living room, but since the dame wasn't his client anymore, he didn't feel he needed to divulge the information. The culprit happened to be a buddy of his, so he closed the case. Hobbes guesses they should have played outside.

Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet. There is no vegetation. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color. A huge mountain rises out of the plain. Our hero pulls up. Spiff discovers it's not a mountain at all. The whole landscape is bedding for a horrendous monster. Dad sleepily looks to see what time it is. Calvin, next to Dad in bed, says the creature appears hostile. Our hero readies a hydro bomb. Calvin has a glass of water poised to douse Dad.

Calvin tells Dad he just saw a commercial about a luxury cruise. He asks Dad why they don't take vacations like that. Dad explains vacations are a matter of comparison. He says that they spend weeks in uncomfortable tents so that living in their home seems like a luxury cruise. If his trips are unpleasant, his whole life is a vacation. Calvin goes to see Mom. He clenches his fists together and begs Mom to tell him he's adopted.

Calvin walks into the bathroom where Dad is, saying Hobbes told Calvin tigers were more perfectly evolved than humans. As Calvin opens the door, he says Hobbes told him that if there were no guns, people would be cat food. He asks Dad to tell Hobbes it isn't true. Dad is standing with his pajama bottoms, no top, toothbrush in mouth, with toothpaste foaming out. Calvin grudgingly pays Hobbes off for the bet they had made.

At the dinner table, Calvin belches. He applauds himself, saying "Author! Encore!". Mom and Dad glare at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin calls his parents Philistines.

Calvin is thirsty. He gets out of bed to go for a drink. He hears a thump. He sees eyes glowing in the dark. He runs down the stairs, yelling for help. He yells that he feels its terrible fangs. He crashes. Mom and Dad wake up and check on Calvin. They turn on the light. Dad says he was sleepwalking again. Mom tells him to go back to bed. He had a nightmare. Calvin looks to see he has Hobbes in his hands. Back in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes it's creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. Hobbes says it's so they can see people sneaking out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.

There is a paw. Calvin sits in the distance, reading a comic book. There is the top of a tiger's back. Calvin is closer, still reading. There is a top view of a tiger's body. Calvin is closer, still reading. A tiger is crouching. Calvin turns around to see Hobbes with fangs bared. Calvin is horrified, and he yells. He clutches Mom's shoulder, while she tells Dad the comic books he reads are too grim. Dad says to look at Calvin twitch. Hobbes is on the floor beneath them.

Dad is reading a story to Calvin. Dad says he's reached the end of chapter one. He says they'll stop there. Calvin tells him to read the whole book. Dad says there's a hundred more pages, and it's late. He says they'll read another chapter tomorrow. Calvin asks him to finish it tonight. Dad says he must really like the book. Calvin tells him he has to write a paper on it tomorrow.

Dad sits on his chair and calls Calvin the Bold. Calvin runs in. Dad tells him to kneel. Calvin does. Dad says that by the finite patience vested in him, he hereby dubs Calvin "Mud". He tells Calvin to rise. Calvin realizes his name is mud. He walks off, grumbling that Mr. Subtlety drives home another point.

Calvin complains the toaster ruined his toast. He says it didn't cook enough the first time, so he pushed it down again. Now one side's burned, and the other is hardly singed. Dad tells him that yet..somehow..life goes on. Calvin looks at his toast. He says beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster.

Calvin is watching television. Dad says before there was television, kids actually did things on nice days. Calvin tells him times sure change. Dad tosses Calvin out the door. As he and Hobbes walk in the woods, Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever noticed Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about.

A pile of green dinner plops onto Calvin's plate. Calvin says his parents must've taken out an insurance policy on him. He sighs. He starts to shape it. He adds some lettuce and some cereal. He keeps working on it. He turns it around and makes a face. The food is shaped into a monster, with cereal teeth and lettuce hair, that seems to bite Calvin. Dad stares at Calvin. Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate.

Calvin looks at the hillside. He starts building something in the snow. Later, Dad walks by and looks at the hillside. It appears a giant head is peeking over the hill down at him.

Calvin gives Dad the results of his latest poll. Calvin says Dad has a high name-recognition factor. Sadly, that recognition is due to the fact Dad's policies are universally deplored. Calvin says there is talk about voting him out of office and making Mom "Dad". Dad asks Mom what she knows about this. Mom says her first act will be to make Dad do the cooking. Calvin hastily says that changes everything.

Calvin is building snowmen. As Dad gets home and comes up the walkway, there is a line of snowmen with stick arms saluting him. Dad says Calvin knows he hates this.

Calvin tells Dad he concluded nothing bad he does is his fault. Calvin says he's the helpless victim of countless bad influences. Culture panders to his undeveloped values and pushes him to maleficence. He takes no responsibility for his actions. It's society's fault. Dad tells him he needs to build more character. He tells Calvin to shovel the walk. Outside, Calvin laments these discussions never go where they're supposed to.

Dad looks at the row of giant snowman heads. Calvin asks what's wrong with Easter Island. He likes Easter Island.

Dad walks through the snow and sees a few miniature snowmen. As he walks, he sees more and more. He comes up to Calvin building a full-size snowman, with upraised stick arms, and an expression of a yell. Dad tells Calvin he doesn't think Calvin has enough to do.

Mom yells for Calvin to wake up before he misses the bus. Calvin has a frown on his face. Dad says Mr. Sunshine has finally gotten up. Calvin forces a big, phony smile. He gets his cereal, pours it, and starts to eat. He still has the phony smile. Dad looks at him and says he's only kidding himself. Bedtime will be at 7:00. Calvin frowns and continues to eat his cereal. Dad thinks they should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.

Calvin yells that he doesn't want to go to school. He'd rather do anything than go to school. Dad suggests that he'll go to school, and Calvin can get a job. Dad says Calvin will like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of his family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. Calvin waits for the school bus complaining it's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to.

In the back seat of the car, Calvin asks if they can't go any faster. Dad says he doesn't like to go any faster. Calvin asks if he can drive. Dad pulls over, then switches seats with Calvin. Off they go! They're airborne. Mom and Dad say they should have done this sooner. Calvin says they broke the speedometer. They're passing a jet. Calvin says he likes driving. Calvin sighs. He's in the back seat, asking Dad how much longer it will be.

Calvin asks Dad to look at a commercial on television. He asks why Dad doesn't drive a cool sports car. Dad says that car costs $40,000. Calvin asks why Mom doesn't dress like the babe in the commercial. Dad asks Mom why she doesn't dress like that. Mom informs him his adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants.

Calvin asks Dad what he's doing. Dad tells him that he's fixing something (his bicycle). Calvin asks why he bothers. He says when Dad rarely knows what the problem is, then makes it worse and hurts himself in the process. Calvin runs as tools are thrown at him. Calvin says he wishes he'd noticed the bandage on Dad's hand before he said that.

Dad says he's going on a bike ride. He stands with his helmet, fanny pack, and riding shorts. Mom chuckles, and Dad asks what's so funny. Dad says he didn't design his outfit, it's practical. Calvin asks how he got his head stuck in a bowling ball. Dad rides off saying, next time he's going to squirt them with his water bottle.

Mom chases Calvin to go to school. He complains his horoscope says he's irresistible to girls today. He keeps running, asking what if Susie kisses him. Dad watches all this while reading the paper. Mom catches Calvin and yells for Dad to get his feet while she pries his fingers loose. Dad wonders what it would cost to rent a place in town.

Calvin tells Dad they need a new policy in the house. Whenever Dad tells him things, Calvin doesn't want any explanations. He only wants ten second sound bites. Calvin walks off, covering his ears. He says "So much for that policy".

Calvin's poll says the character issue is killing Dad. Dad says he's got great character. Calvin says that's what he they hate. Dad says his only flaw is a preternatural intolerance of pesky kids.

Calvin shows Dad five dollars in his jar. He says he's rich. Calvin says he's been saving for weeks. Dad asks if he's going to open a savings account. Calvin looks at the money. He tells Dad he knows why he and Mom don't get invited to parties. Dad says every time he makes a deposit, he can think "another two minutes at college".

Calvin asks Dad if babies come from a stork leaving them swaddled on the front step. Dad says that's true in most cases, but that Calvin was dumped unceremoniously down the chimney by a hairy pterodactyl. Calvin thinks that's cool. Dad says that explains a lot.

Calvin belches at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin offers "Great diaphragm control". In bed, Calvin says she'll be sorry when he's a famous soloist for the orchestra. Hobbes wonders if Mom thinks his pitch is off.

Calvin, as a fly, zips around the room. He annoys everyone with his incessant whine. He gets into the cookies. He's a menace to sanity and health. He laughs. Later, Calvin walks up to Hobbes while holding his rear. Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says he got swatted.

A monster under Calvin's bed is trying to make him go to the bathroom by making water sounds. Calvin knows when he gets out of bed, the monster will suck out his innards. Calvin tells Hobbes the plan is working. He knows he can't make it till morning. Calvin says he has to go, but he can't get out of bed. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do. The next day, Dad is talking to Mom outside the house. He mentions to Mom that the plants on that side of the house don't do very well. Above them is Calvin's bedroom window.

Calvin calls Dad at work to tell him it's a perfect day outside. Calvin says that while Dad is trapped in a boring office, Calvin's running around with no responsibilities. He hangs up. Calvin says childhood is for spoiling adulthood.

Calvin climbs the slide ladder. He sees himself high above town, then above the clouds. He sees himself sliding down back toward earth. Calvin sits on top of the slide at home. Calvin doesn't think he's going to do it, despite Dad standing there coaxing him.

Calvin asks what happens if they die and it turns out God is a big chicken. At the dinner table, Mom tells him to just eat his dinner. Calvin is concerned about the eternal consequences.

Calvin asks Dad which are the halcyon days of his youth. Dad says they're awarded retroactively when you've grown up. Calvin asks if you can't identify them until then. Dad says halcyonity is relative. Calvin says he's going to ask Mom.

Dad's riding his bike, commenting how he's outside in the fresh air (as a truck drives by throwing a can out the window) with no distractions (as a swarm of bugs surrounds him), nothing but quiet (as dogs snap at him) and a chance to get a feel for the land (as he falls off the bike). He's happy for the opportunity to reflect on things (as he holds his sore rear end). As he gets home, Dad says getting out like that makes the rat race seem ridiculous. Dad tells Mom he's thinking about quitting his job and riding his bicycle all the time. Mom suggests Dad call the bike shop to sponsor his mid-life crisis.

Calvin says he doesn't have to go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. Dad tells him that he does, it's in the contract. Calvin wonders what contract. Dad explains it's a standard prenatal form. Dad had power of attorney since Calvin was just a few cells. Paragraph two specifies bedtime. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad says he can renegotiate when he's 18. Hobbes says the 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to his prom date.

Calvin tells Dad they need to get cable TV. He says people across the country watch different TV shows than they are. He asks what will keep their culture homogeneous if they don't watch the same TV. Dad suggests there's still McDonald's and Wal-mart. Calvin complains they don't come into their homes.

Calvin tells Dad that the meaning of words isn't a fixed thing. Any word can mean anything. He says English can become an exclusionary code. Generations can be divided by the same language. He asks Dad if he thinks that's totally spam. He says it's lubricated, and that he's phasing. Dad gives Calvin the peace sign and tells him marvy, fab, far out.

Calvin runs screaming he doesn't want to take a bath. Mom carries him up the stairs while he keeps yelling. In the tub, he yells that he hates everything. Mom, dripping wet, tells Dad that whenever she hears people trying to rediscover the "child within", she wants to scream.

Calvin walks by Dad thinking he needs to act casual. Behind Dad is a Tinkertoy creation. When the door is opened, a bucket of water will pour into a ramp pointing at the back of Dad's head.

Dad asks what story Calvin wants him to read except....Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad says he's read that a million times. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says Calvin knows how the story goes. It's the same story every day. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Later in bed, with eyes wide open, Calvin says the story was different that time. Hobbes wonders if the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head.

Calvin tells Mom he wishes he had a baby brother. She asks if Calvin wants a new friend to play with. Calvin says he wants somebody small he can beat up. Dad is on the phone, with his boss standing in front of him. Dad whispers into the phone. He wonders if they can talk about that operation some other time.

Calvin asks if Dad is busy. He wonders if they can do a father-son kind of project. Dad is happy to. That's more important than what he's doing. He asks Calvin what he'd like to do. Calvin asks if he's old enough to buy firearms and explosives.

Mom and Dad wake up from sleeping. They hear barking. Dad puts his coat on. He says when this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping. He opens the door to see Calvin barking.

Calvin wishes it was winter. Dad says it won't be for a while yet. Calvin then wishes it was spring or summer. Dad asks if he doesn't like autumn. Calvin says autumn is fine, it's the present he doesn't like.

Calvin asks Dad how bank machines work. Dad says you punch in the amount you want, and there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out the slot. Calvin asks if it's like the guy who lives in their garage and opens the door. Dad tells Calvin it's exactly like that.

Calvin has nothing for "show and tell". Calvin tells the class that when he's in school, Mom puts on a leotard, cape, and high-heeled boots to fight crime as a super heroine. Calvin bows and hopes the class in duly impressed. Mom shows Dad the note the teacher sent home with him. Dad wants her to show him that outfit sometime.

Calvin asks if Dad is living through him in the hope Calvin's accomplishments validate his mediocre life and compensate for all his botched opportunities. Dad says if he was, he'd re-evaluate his strategy. Calvin tells Mom that Dad keeps insulting him.

Calvin tells Dad ski resorts use man-made snow. They have machines that can cover a hillside. Dad sits there. Calvin tells him "hint, hint". Dad says Calvin can rely on the weather like every other kid.

Dad sees Calvin watching another Christmas TV special. Dad says it's touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought by food, cola, and beer conglomerates. He walks away wondering who would have guessed product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. Calvin says Dad doesn't handle the stress of the season very gracefully.

Calvin would like to have a talk with Dad. He tells Dad it's his responsibility to show consumer confidence and by things to get the economy going. Calvin gives Dad a list of big-ticket items he'd like for Christmas. Calvin hopes he can trust Dad to do what's right for the country. Dad says he has to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.

On Christmas morning, Calvin sees a certificate for one day pounce-free of tiger attacks. He tells Hobbes he thinks of the best gifts. Sitting on the sofa in their robes, looking tired, Dad says this could have waited until sunrise. Mom tells him to take a picture.

Calvin tells Dad it's amazing how many things you can take apart with a screwdriver. Dad asks what kind of things. Calvin starts to talk, but says it's hypothetical. He doesn't know for a fact. It's hard to say. He walks off wiping his brow. He says he's got to stop introducing topics of conversation.

Calvin looks out the window at the snow outside. He hopes Dad makes it home alright. Dad comes home from his bicycle ride. He's got a coat, scarf, and gloves on. Calvin tells him the season's over. Dad says with his outfit, he hits his optimal heart rate in no time.

Dad walks on the sidewalk heading home. At the end of sticks put next to the sidewalk are heads of snowmen with X's for eyes. Dad says it's home, sweet home.

Dad gets out of the car to see snowmen. One is lying face down, one bent over retching. Another is clutching at its throat. Inside, Dad asks Mom if they're having eggplant casserole. Mom says "why, yes".

Dad can't find his glasses. He tries to trace what he did. He remembers telling Calvin to shovel the walk. As he wonders where they might be, outside there are two snowmen. One looks like Calvin holding a shovel. The other looks like Dad, including glasses, with a rope in his hand. It looks like it's threatening to whip the Calvin snowman.

Bugs are stirring something. They says it's bubbling up. They run, as the mixture is going to blow. Calvin belches at the dinner table. Dad tells him that's enough. Calvin says he can't help it. His stomach microbes can't handle the awful food.

Calvin says he's not going to do his homework. He and Hobbes head for outside. There is a giant eye with legs sitting on the chair. Taking their coat and scarf off, Hobbes says nobody gives the evil eye like Dad.

Calvin walks up to Dad sitting in the chair. Calvin says "Kazam". Dad turns into a slug. Calvin does it again, and the lamp and table turn into a bug. Dad tells him to be quiet. Calvin does it again, and Mom turns into a bug. Mom says if Calvin is bored, they'll find something for him to do. Calvin goes upstairs to his room and opens his window. He looks outside and says "Kazam". The neighborhood is a desolate landscape.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing with toys on the floor. Calvin says when you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You grow up thinking whatever your Mom and Dad do is normal. Dad comes in from outside. He says he finished a 10 mile run in the sleet after getting up at 6:00. He's going to get a bowl of oatmeal. His cheeks are flushed, and there is snow on his wool cap. Calvin tells Hobbes that maybe "normal" is too strong a word.

Calvin wakes up thirsty, so he heads for a drink of water. Hobbes follows and stalks Calvin. Calvin sleepily returns to the bedroom, but Hobbes pounces. Calvin has a horrified expression on his face. Mom and Dad turn on the light to find him on the floor. They think he was sleepwalking, but Calvin says it was a homicidal psycho jungle cat. In bed, Hobbes laughs about how Calvin's face looked. Calvin says if Mom and Dad cared about him at all, they'd buy some infrared nighttime vision goggles.

Dad is shaving, and Calvin suggests he doesn't shave next to his mouth. He should let his whiskers grow, then wax them so they stick straight out. He'll look like a big cat. Dad just looks at him. Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad didn't think the firm would go for it. Hobbes thinks that's preposterous.

Calvin is snatched from bed by a robot. He's dropped into a cleaning machine, then he's sent to the kitchen by turbo chute. Dad takes off for work on his jet pack. He says he'll be home for dinner unless the shuttle is late from his moon meeting. Mom asks Calvin to put on his jacket. She asks why he's standing there. As Mom puts a jacket on Calvin, she wishes he'd try to stay in the present. Calvin sighs.

Dad says he's not putting off spring cleaning. Later, Mom sees him cleaning his bicycle. She asks what about the house. Dad doesn't know what she's talking about.

Calvin asks Dad for a poster suggestion. Dad, putting his cycling helmet on for a ride, suggests cyclists have a right to the road, you polluting maniacs. Calvin says he'll go ask Mom.

Calvin's meal attacks him and swallows him. It chews Calvin up, then spits out a skull and bone. Mom says it was revolting, but Dad says it worked. They dance. Calvin looks at a plate of food and claims they're trying to kill him with that stuff. Mom says he doesn't have to eat it, but she's not making anything else.

Calvin complains to Dad that the poster contest was rigged. Calvin wants Dad to call the school board and make Susie give the prize to him. Dad explains losing is a part of life. He tells Calvin to be a good sport and keep things in perspective. He says winning isn't everything. Calvin asks if that's really what they believe on the planet he's from.

Calvin complains there isn't anything good on television. Dad tells him to turn it off. Calvin asks if he should sit and stare at a blank screen all day. Dad kicks Calvin out of the house.

An alien spaceship flies to Earth and beams an alien down onto Calvin's lawn. The alien talks to Calvin, but he doesn't understand. The alien zaps the ground beside Calvin. Calvin runs into his house and hides in the corner, but the alien follows him and talks again. Calvin thinks, then turns on the television for him. The alien is happy, and Calvin is relieved. The alien beams back to his spaceship. Dad lunges in and turns off the television as Calvin cringes.

Mom tells Dad she wants to get an answering machine. Dad doesn't. He'd feel obligated to return calls he didn't want in the first place. Without a machine, you let the phone ring and the caller gives up. Mom says that wasn't her point. Dad says that's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so he's always talking to people.

Calvin puts on his cycling helmet. Calvin's bike sneaks around a tree and attacks him. He runs, but the bike catches up and runs him over. It chases him up a tree, then drags him along behind it. Calvin walks into the house, covered in scratches. He thanks Dad for the helmet. He asks if they sell offensive weapons.

Calvin asks Dad what causes wind. Dad tells him it's trees sneezing. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad says no, but the truth is more complicated. Later, outside in the wind, Calvin tells Hobbes the trees are really sneezing today.

Calvin tells Dad the literary world is abuzz with Mabel Syrup's sequel of "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Calvin says they have to buy it. It's called "Commander Coriander Salamander and 'er Singlehander Bellylander". Dad says architects should live in the buildings they design, and children's book authors should be forced to read their stories every single night of their rotten lives.

Spaceman Spiff hops out of his craft. There is indication of aliens. He crouches behind a boulder listening to aliens talk about him. He bursts into the open, shooting his death ray blaster. He yells he'll give the aliens something to talk about. Calvin has shot rubber-tipped darts at Mom, Dad, and their guests. Mom chases Calvin. Later in bed, Calvin says Spiff reflects on his miscalculation. He'll revisit the planet, this time with more ammo.

Mom pulls an octopus out of the refrigerator. He plungers the creature into a pot, pours gasoline, a shrunken head, paint, and weed killer onto it, then mixes it. At dinner, Calvin pushes his plate away. Mom says she spent over an hour fixing it. Calvin says he saw what went into it, and he's not touching it.

Calvin tosses a baseball into the air, but misses his swing of the bat. He asks Dad if you can make a living playing silly games. Dad tells him you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. Calvin sighs as he tries to hit the ball again.

Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Calvin asks what assurance he has that their parenting isn't screwing him up.

Calvin tells Dad summer days sure slip by. He says too bad the daily drudgery of making a living keeps Dad from appreciating these sublime moments of life. As Dad leaves for work, Calvin tells him not to think about it. If he stays healthy, Dad can enjoy days like this when he retires. Later, under a tree, Calvin and Hobbes are lying. Calvin is glad it's summer.

Calvin asks Dad what a control freak is. Dad tells him it's what lazy workers call anyone who cares enough to do something right. Calvin asks if he's in the presence of their king. Dad says if anything works in this world, it's because someone took charge.

Calvin asks Dad to put a bell on his bike. Dad tells him to learn to ride it before he worries about having a bell to ring. Calvin explains he wants a bell that will warn him when the bike's sneaking up on him.

Calvin asks Dad what it's like being a grown-up. Dad tells him it's not too different from being a kid, except you're more attached to your toys. Dad sits down to clean his bicycle.

Calvin tells Dad the polls are in. A vast majority of six-year-olds say he's not living up to their expectations of fatherhood. Dad asks what their expectations were. Calvin replies that Dad should be more like an automatic teller machine. Dad asks where the pollsters find these respondents.

Dad gets out of his car after work. He looks up to see Calvin holding a sign that reads "Love the Sinner. Hate the Sin". Dad can only think "Uh oh".

Dad rakes the leaves into a pile and walks away. The pile of leaves rises up, groaning, and chases Calvin. It catches up to him and crashes down on him. Calvin digs his way out, panting. Dad sees the pile of leaves lying all scattered and raises his hands in protest. Calvin raises his hands in protest that he didn't do it.

Calvin hands a form to Dad to sign and notarize. Dad reads the form. It states he's never parented before and is liable for mistakes made on the job. He will pay for any counseling Calvin may require due to parental ineptitude. Calvin is sent to bed. In bed, Calvin doesn't see how you're allowed to have a kid without signing one of those forms.

Calvin asks Dad why his eyes close when he sneezes. Dad says if his eyelids weren't closed, the explosion would blow his eyeballs out. His eyes would flop around and he'd have to point them with his hands to see anything. Calvin asks why Dad knows so much. Dad says it's all in the book you get when you become a father.

Calvin asks if there is a book you get when you're a father that explains everything in the world. Dad says yes but won't show it to Calvin when he asks. Dad won't show it because it tells what it's like to raise a kid. Calvin asks what's wrong with that. Dad tells him he's not allowed to know that until it's too late not to have one.

Dad is drinking coffee, reading the newspaper. He says nobody lies on his deathbed wishing he'd spent more time at the office. Calvin walks by and waves. Dad says he'd better get to the office. Calvin looks back and says that was obviously some sort of commentary.

Calvin walks past Mom and says hello. He calls himself her big accomplishment in life. Later, Mom is slumped on the sofa. She tells Dad that she's depressed.

Mom calls Calvin to dinner again. Calvin has a turban on his head made from his sheet. He tells Dad he was unavoidably detained. Dad tells him to take the sheet off at the table. Calvin does, and Dad thanks him. Calvin, with his larger head, says they never notice anything.

Calvin reads a letter he received from Santa. It's written in verse, to the pattern of "Night before Christmas". Santa writes that he's repealed his laws and suggests Calvin be vulgar and crude. Santa writes for Calvin to burp and never say "thank you" or "you're welcome". He suggests talking back to his parents and to act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere. Santa writes bad boys and girls will be the ones to get the toys. Calvin wakes up. He frowns and lies in bed. He hates being good six days until Christmas. He doesn't think he'll make it.

Calvin sees his gifts under the Christmas tree. He grabs one and shouts that he's gotten acquittal on all charges and complete exoneration. He laughs. Mom and Dad hug each other. Mom tells Dad Merry Christmas. Dad asks what that smell is. He asks if someone has been eating tuna fish at that hour.

Calvin asks Dad why he doesn't cut down all the trees on their hill and put in a ski lift. Dad tells Calvin a lift would be ugly, noisy, and unnecessary. Calvin walks off, grumbling that Dad doesn't know progress when he hears it.

Calvin tells Dad he needs a new toboggan. Dad asks why. Calvin tells him he thinks the new models have new features, colors, and options. Dad tells Calvin toboggans don't come in model years. Later, Calvin runs with Hobbes, paint can in hand. He tells Hobbes there's a fortune to be made.

Calvin sits watching television. He says he resents the quality of network programming. He says it's all violence and sleaze. He hungers for tasteful entertainment that respects his intelligence. Dad comes by and tells Calvin to turn off the TV and read a book. Calvin continues to watch television. He says he lied, sue him.

Mom and Dad are sitting by the fire, with their backs to Calvin. Calvin tells Hobbes people never expect to get hit with a snowball in their own house. He readies two snowballs. Hobbes tells Calvin he'll see him in his room momentarily.

Dad comes home to see several snowmen in the yard. They are yelling while one is eaten by a giant snow monster. Dad doesn't think schools assign enough homework.

Calvin looks up as Dad walks by. He looks up as Mom walks by. He builds a tiny snowman. He looks down at it and calls it "shrimp".

Mom and Dad look at a snowman. It's holding a shrunken snow head, with others in a snow pot next to it. Mom comments that on the other hand, the neighbors keep planting big trees next to them.

Dad tells Calvin their lives are filled with machines designed to reduce their work. Dad asks what they do with all their leisure. He asks Calvin if they educate themselves, explore, invent or create. Calvin tells Dad he can't hear a commercial on television. Calvin is booted out of the house. Calvin says if it were left up to Dad, leisure would be as bad as work.

Calvin has shoveled some holes on the sidewalk. Dad tries to step in the holes to get to the house. Calvin tells him that if he jumps right, Calvin doesn't need to waste time shoveling the entire walk.

Dad gets up from his chair and starts walking. He stops. He asks Mom why he can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but he can't remember what he got up to do.

Calvin plans to hit Susie with a slushball. Hobbes says some philosophers say true happiness comes from a life of virtue. Calvin thinks about it, and he drops the slushball. Calvin puts his toys away in his room. He does his homework and hands Mom a homemade card. Calvin shovels the sidewalk. He helps set the dinner plates and take out the garbage. He stops. He gets angry, runs outside, and hits Susie with a slushball. He tells Hobbes someday he'll write his own philosophy book. Hobbes thinks virtue needs some cheaper thrills.

Dad's latest performance poll is pretty low. Dad says there's not a connection between what's good and what's popular. He does what's right, not what gets approval. Calvin tells him with that attitude, he'll never keep the job. Dad says if someone else offers to do it, to let him know.

Calvin wishes he had super powers. Dad says if he works and studies real hard, he could develop powers he already has. Calvin wonders if he can find a radioactive meteorite that mutates him into a living liquid. Dad suggests he find one that mutates him into someone with a work ethic.

A large group of snowmen are set up crossing the yard and the driveway. Dad can't get the car down the driveway. He yells to the house to Calvin. He yells that he's late for work.

Calvin comes home, opens the door, gets a camera out of a box, then yells that he's home. As Hobbes pounces on him, he takes a picture. He shows Dad a picture of Hobbes leaping at him and says that's what Hobbes does when he comes home. Later, Hobbes is insulted to know Dad thinks Calvin tossed Hobbes into the air for the picture. Calvin says he has to get a video camera.

Calvin notices how creepy it is with the snow and wind blowing. Hobbes says it's always creepy at 2:00 AM. He bets tomorrow is a snow day. He decides to call the superintendent to see. He says if tomorrow is a snow day, they can go right back to bed. As Calvin is on the phone, Dad comes up behind him. Calvin sees him and thinks maybe they will be going back to bed right away.

Mom asks Dad if there was any good mail. Dad says there's a charity request and a women's magazine with an article on swimsuits that minimize all body flaws. There are catalogs and an invitation to go deeper in debt from a credit card company. He sees a new magazine identifying trends they're missing and a hobby magazine showing equipment he must have. He asks why he gets the feeling society is trying to make them discontented with everything they do and insecure about who they are. Mom supposes if people thought about real issues instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collapse. Dad asks if throwing the mail out would make him some kind of terrorist. Mom says it's their patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life. Calvin comes in saying he saw products on TV he didn't know existed, but he desperately needs.

Calvin tells Dad he decided he suffers from low self-esteem. His goal now is to feel good about himself. Dad asks if he'll work harder and build some character. Calvin says he's going to whine until he gets the special treatment he likes. Dad wonders if anyone else is as scared for the future as he. Calvin says immediate gratification is the only thing that helps him.

Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a planet, captured by a horrible yukbarf. The alien says to take Spiff to the dungeon. It looks like a living room. Spiff asks what kind of dungeon this is. He asks if they aren't going to torture him. The alien says yes. He asks Spiff to sit to discuss wholesome principles. Dad tells Calvin life is tough, and suffering builds character. He says virtue is its own reward, and nothing worth having ever comes easy. Calvin yells.

A big snow chicken has an axe it has stuck into a stump. Next to the stump, a snowman lies with its head on the ground to one side. Mom is standing next to Calvin. Calvin asks Mom to define "well-adjusted".

Dad is watching television. The announcer talks about blood-spattered sidewalks and asks if you could be the next victim. The television announcer continues by saying they'll get the story from sobbing relatives and tell why you should be paralyzed with helpless fear. That's Eyewitness News. It's what you need to know. Dad turns off the television and reads the newspaper instead.

Calvin is freezing in bed. Hobbes tells him he should have a fur coat like his. Calvin puts his feet on Hobbes to warm up. Hobbes jumps. Calvin tells him to quit letting cold air in. Hobbes tells Calvin to keep his cold feet on his side of the bed. Calvin protests that Hobbes' behind was on his side. Hobbes indicates the demilitarized zone between their sides. Calvin claims the whole bed and says animals should sleep on the floor. Hobbes takes the blanket and leaves. The sounds of their fighting is heard by Mom. Calvin is looking for Hobbes when a ghostly apparition rises before him. Calvin yells in terror. Hobbes has the bed to himself. Dad is awakened by icy cold feet. Calvin is in bed with him and Mom. Mom tells Dad that Calvin had a nightmare. Calvin says that if it's too crowded, they are welcome to sleep downstairs.

Calvin, the astronaut, hops out of the space lander. He hops in the lunar rover and drives around the surface of the moon. From space, you can read "Calvin is great" in tire tracks on the surface of the moon. Calvin looks at the moon with binoculars. He tells Dad he wishes he could go to the moon. Dad says he wishes Calvin could, too. Mom, offscreen, chides him.

Calvin shows Dad his new invention, a hanger poked out the back of his pants to make a tailhook. He says with a rope stretched across the doorway, he can blast into a room, and the hook will grab the rope and prevent him from crashing out the window. He tells Dad to get some patent applications. Calvin walks away wondering how many fortunes Dad has let slip through his fingers.

Calvin, the dog, happily walks along. He comes up behind Dad, who's shoveling the sidewalk. Dad asks how he got in to the bathroom and back out so fast.

Dad is trying to light the fireplace. He gets angrier as he puts paper to help start the fire. Suddenly, there is a cloud around Dad, who is furious. Calvin runs off carrying a fire extinguisher. He indicates Dad says there is nothing cozier than a fire, but he doesn't know.

Dad puts on a sweater and asks what could be better than a Saturday six mile run at dawn in twenty degree weather. He goes into the kitchen and says the run would be followed by a big bowl of gummy oatmeal and dry toast. With eyes squinted from sleep, Calvin walks by and says what about dried-up prunes and a root canal. Happily, Dad asks if they have some dried prunes.

Calvin shows Dad how people are portrayed in comic strips. He says women are whiners, shrews, and bimbos. Men are morons, drinkers, and goof-offs. Everyone is incompetent. Calvin wants to know what kind of social programming this is. He demands politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies. Dad says we all know how funny good role models are. Calvin says look, all the kids are obnoxious brats.

A man gets up from his desk. He goes off to get some coffee. BLAM! The man is shot. Four deer, armed with rifles, gather around the body. They praise Bambi's nice shot. He asks for somebody to get the camera. Calvin tells the class that the man's family was upset when he didn't come home that night. Everyone understood the human population had doubled in just two generations to almost six billion. Some thinning of the herds was necessary to prevent starvation. Mom looks at a note from the teacher calling for a parent-teacher conference. Dad tells her it's her turn.

Mom backs a front-loading tractor. It dumps a load down. She puts food on Calvin's plate. He tells her he hates that stuff and not to put so much on. She tells him to pipe down and eat.

Calvin tells Dad that if he had a computer, he'd get better grades on book reports. Dad says he'd still have to read the books and tell the computer what you want to say. Dejectedly, Calvin wonders what all the fuss is about computers.

Calvin tells Dad he should smoke cigars. They're all the rage. Mom walks by and says flatulence could be all the rage, but it still would be disgusting. Calvin understands. Dad tells Mom that was nicely put.

Calvin finds a remote control gizmo in a drawer. He wonders what it does and clicks it. He drops down a tube to see Mom and Dad in a control room with a spacecraft. Mom and Dad are dressed in superhero costumes. Calvin stands in the living room looking at Mom and Dad. He sighs.

Dad puts his bicycle together. Calvin laughs at Dad in his riding gear. Dad rides along with cars yelling at him. He falls down a hill. Bandaged and bruised, Dad returns home carrying the bicycle. Calvin laughs at him again. In the tub, Dad says the secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.

On the way to the school bus, Calvin sees an alien appear in a spaceship. He introduces himself to the alien. The alien makes himself look just like Calvin and speaks in phonetic English. Calvin tells the alien to take his lunchbox and to have a good day at school. Susie says hello to the alien Calvin. He repeats what Calvin said about having a good day at school. Later, Mom opens the door for Dad saying that Calvin's principal said to say hello. Dad knows that means there was trouble. Calvin, still speaking in phonetic English, says Calvin stole his spaceship.

Calvin asks Dad to remember when he was first born. He couldn't turn himself over. He asks Dad to think of all the motor skills necessary to hold a crayon and move it in predetermined, coordinated motions. He shows a picture of a dinosaur and indicates that is the result of six years' unrelenting effort. Dad says he's not paying $500 for it. Calvin implores that it will appreciate. It's an investment.

In the bathtub, Calvin is playing with a sailboat. He pretends the man and woman on the boat stop for a swim. Suddenly, the lake is boiling hot. They get out of the water. The couple pulls up anchor, but the boat heads toward.....the waterfall. Calvin turns on the faucet and swamps the boat. The wind picks up, and Calvin gets out of the tub with the sailboat. The wind suddenly stops, and Calvin drops the boat into the toilet. One of the couple says they've somehow landed in another lake. It's a gigantic whirlpool. Calvin flushes the toilet, and down the boat goes. Later, a plumber hands Dad the sailboat. Dad gets charged $150. While he writes the check, Dad angrily says somebody else is going to pay for this, too.

Calvin asks Dad why they aren't hooked up to an online service so they can connect to other computers. Dad says it's bad enough they have a telephone. Calvin goes outside and yells "HELLLPPP!!!"

Calvin asks Dad why grownups don't go out to play. Dad says they justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. Calvin says that sounds like a job. Dad says it is, except you don't get paid. Calvin asks if play is worse than work. Dad says being a grownup is tough.

At dinner, Mom tells Dad that nobody dresses up for anything anymore. People look like slobs. Dad agrees that people are too rude, and that there's no respect for anyone. Later, Calvin is standing all dressed up, with his hair combed. He complains why he has to change the world.

Calvin tosses a baseball into the air so he can hit it. He swings and hits the ball. It is stuck on his bat, chewing it. Calvin hides up in a tree. Dad asks what he's scared of. The ball isn't going to bite him. Calvin asks how he knows.

Calvin tosses the ball into the air so he can catch it. As it comes down, Calvin screams. The ball bites his glove and chomps on it while Calvin flails. Later, Dad asks if Calvin means he wants a glove for the other hand too. Calvin asks which word he doesn't understand.

Calvin warily approaches the baseball with a bat. He taps the ball with the bat. The ball bites the end of the bat, and Calvin runs off. Later, Dad sees the ball and bat on the ground. He asks how often he's told Calvin not to leave his stuff in the yard.

Dad holds up Calvin's bat and asks if he's been hitting rocks with it. Calvin asks why. Dad says it's all chewed up, and Calvin should take care of his equipment. Calvin says the ball did it. He says that's what he's been trying to tell Dad. They're fang marks, and the ball is berserk, deranged, a menace. Later, sitting on his bed, Calvin wonders why he even bothers.

Dad tells Calvin that his mom took them to a department store, and that he loved riding the escalators. Dad explains how they sounded, and that he wondered if ladies got their heels stuck and got pulled under. He says the old escalators had more personality than slick, metal ones. Calvin thinks to himself that he hates to think all his current experiences will become stories with no point one day.

Dad answers the phone at his office. Calvin says it's nice outside. He tells Dad to climb a tree and goof off. He hangs up. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Dad harasses him with his values, he'll harass Dad with his.

Calvin asks Dad why ice floats. Dad says ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer the sun. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad tells him to look it up and find out. Calvin unhappily walks away saying he should just look stuff up in the first place. Dad says you can learn a lot talking to him.

A stick person walks along. He sees something, turns around and runs. A stick animal comes up behind the stick person, jumps up and tackles the stick person. The stick animal eats the head of the stick person and walks away. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes gave him the story idea. He tells Dad to flip the pages again.

Dad has cleaned and oiled the bicycle. He asks Calvin if he'd like to learn to ride it. Calvin runs away in horror, yelling no. Dad says he's welcome. Calvin tells Mom that Dad hates him.

Dad holds the bike with Calvin on it. Calvin says the bike is getting ready to throw him off. Dad tells him to relax. Calvin says he can't relax. He's uninsured and unarmed. Dad tells Calvin how to apply the brakes. Calvin thanks Dad for the lesson and runs off. Dad tells him to come back. Calvin says he has it, and that Dad can sell the bike now.

Dad tells Calvin the trick to balancing on a bike is to have momentum. Calvin wants no momentum. Dad says with him holding the bike, Calvin can't fall. Calvin says he'll let go, and the bike will launch him into the ionosphere. Dad tells Calvin to trust him. Calvin replies he hardly knows Dad. He's only known Dad for six years. he offers to see how things are going when he's forty.

Dad tells Calvin to relax in order to improve him balance on the bicycle. Calvin says imminent death makes him tense. Dad tells Calvin to concentrate on a goal. Calvin's goal is to dismantle the bike and mail each piece to a different country so it can't be rebuilt. Dad says that isn't a good goal. Calvin says he isn't changing it.

Dad tells Calvin to think of the places he can ride when he learns how to ride a bicycle. He tells Calvin to think how his friends will be impressed. All this time, Calvin is yelling with his eyes wide open. Dad tells him to think about inhaling.

Calvin answers the doorbell. The bike comes into the house and chases Calvin. Over the sofa they go, up the stairs. Calvin hides temporarily in the bathroom as the bike goes down the hall. He holds the bike off with a chair as he backs out his bedroom window. He closes the window and says the bike can't get him now. Downstairs, someone yells there are tire tracks on the rugs and oil on the couch. Another voice asks where Calvin is. Outside on the roof, Calvin says someday neighbors will look out and wonder why there is a grown man wearing kids' clothes on their roof.

Calvin asks Dad what it means when someone says they'll "give it the ol' college try". Dad tells him you join your friends, get cheap beer, eat a pizza and forget about tomorrow. Mom says that isn't what it means. Dad asks where she went to college.

Mom and Dad are hiking. Calvin bounces along behind them on a chair, saying it's not so bad this way. Dad says they won't carry Calvin. He trudges along, saying this is so much work.

Stupidopolis is a thriving coastal city built near a fault line. A giant wave crashes into the city. Calvin is laughing on the beach. Dad asks Mom why Calvin builds everything so close to the water. He says it's stupid. Mom says Calvin doesn't seem to mind doing it over and over.

Sitting on a tree branch, Calvin ties a water balloon to a string. He drops it so it hangs down. He thinks, then runs inside the house. He asks Dad how tall he is.

Calvin refuses to take out the garbage. He says he has the right to do whatever he wants, all the time. Dad says he doesn't. As Calvin drags the garbage bag outside, he says it sure ought to be a right.

Calvin tells Dad that he's the downhill tumble and roll champ, king of the toad finders, premier burper, sodbuster and worm scout first order, and generalissimo of the mud and mayhem society. Dad asks if it was a busy day. Calvin says it was about usual and asks if Dad wants to know what Hobbes is.

Spreading butter on his toast, Calvin notices there is no butter on the dish. He says his toast will get cold while he gets another stick from the refrigerator. He complains that he's suffered enough. He asks where it will all end. As he walks by, he sees Mom and Dad looking at him. Calvin calls them Mr. and Mrs. Empathy.

Calvin jumps through the sprinkler. Dad tells him that he's glad he's getting some exercise. He tells Calvin to keep his heart rate up. Calvin says Dad can take the fun out of anything.

Horrified, Calvin runs by complaining about vampire bugs. Dad says they're called mosquitos. Calvin asks if you don't turn into one if they drink your blood.

Dad is working at home saying it used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week, it was a rush job, and he'd be lucky to get it. Now, with faxes, modems, and car phones, everyone wants everything instantly. Improved technology just increases expectations. The machines don't make life easier, they make it more harassed. Calvin looks at a box he's holding and complains it takes six minutes to microwave it. He asks who has that kind of time. Dad says if they wanted more leisure, they'd invent machines that do things less efficiently.

In poem form, Calvin says Mom and Dad aren't what they seem. They are outer space alien freaks. They landed in spaceships humongous, now they walk among us. He knows the truth, they're here to spoil his youth. Each morning, as the sun rises, they put on their earthling disguises. He knew their masks weren't legit, the faces are lined, they sag and don't fit. They're slaves to routine, they're almost machines. He can't escape their alien gaze, they warp his mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots, this is a gem. They're raising him up to turn him into them.

Spaceman Spiff flees the bug beings of Zartron-9. Our hero swings around and readies his computer-guided death ray blaster. It's taking a long time to boot up. Finally, it does, and Spiff selects "blaster". He gets pull down settings and a dialog box. He makes his selections, but the screen doesn't change. He tries "F1" for help. He goes through the choices. None of them is correct. He hadn't set the number of volts. He enters it and gets an "invalid setting" indication. KRAKK! Spiff is hit and is going down. Dad can't get his computer to boot up. He asks if someone has been playing with it. Calvin walks by and says the whole thing went down, but he jumped clear at the last second.

Dad is sitting on a chair. He asks for them to hold it. He sneezes. Calvin says this is Dad's best driver's license photo ever. Dad says that until it expires, he's driving exactly the speed limit.

Calvin is holding onto Mom's leg. Dad is pulling one of Calvin's legs to get him off. Calvin sees Rosalyn. Dad tells Rosalyn the neighbors' numbers are by the phone, and could she pull a leg? Rosalyn asks if she told them her rates have doubled.

Calvin tells Hobbes that if he does all his homework, they get to stay up to play Calvinball. Calvin finishes his math homework and starts his history work. At the restaurant, Mom says they're there to have a nice time and not to think of what trouble Calvin's getting into. Dad spins around and says that sounded like another siren.

Dad pulls up and sees the house is still standing. Mom asks how everything is. Rosalyn tells them everything's fine. She says Calvin did his homework, they played a game, and Calvin went to bed. Dad says it's awfully late for jokes. In bed, Calvin says he noticed that when they play games with girls, Hobbes gets captured a lot. Hobbes says some of us are just irresistible.

Dad is shopping. He sees "original flavor", "low sodium", "lite", "less fat". He wonders what he does if he wants less fat and less salt. He wonders what distinguishes "lite" from the others. He wonders if the "original flavor" package implies the others taste differently. He says his life was plenty complicated before potato chips.

Dad sees several choices of peanut butter. He wonders who demands so much choice. He says he'll quit his job and devote his live to choosing peanut butter. He'll compare brands and ingredients. He'll compare sizes and prices. He'll drive around seeing what other stores have. At home, Dad tells Mom that she should do the shopping. She asks if the manager had to talk to him again. Calvin wonders where the peanut butter is.

Hobbes sees headlights over the trees. Calvin thinks it's the aliens. He goes to collect his leaves. Dad sees Calvin outside collecting leaves in his pajamas. Dad has a flashlight. He tells Calvin to get in bed. Calvin says space aliens left the leaves for him.

A pile of leaves sneaks along. It climbs back into the tree. Calvin walks by and comments on how ugly the tree is with a big pile of leaves sitting in it. It falls down on him. Calvin runs. Dad asks where his leaf pile went. Calvin informs him it went back home. He asks if Dad doesn't have something larger than a rake.

Dad rides his bicycle, then hits a rock and falls. At home, battered, Dad takes a bath. Afterward, he looks at a tricycle and wonders.

Asleep in bed, Hobbes yawns and rolls over, taking Calvin's blanket. Calvin tries to pull it back to no avail. He then rolls Hobbes back over, only to find he is at the edge of the bed. He pushes Hobbes back over again, and there goes the blanket with Hobbes. Calvin goes to Mom and Dad's bedroom. He crawls into bed next to Mom and rolls over. There goes the blanket, leaving Dad without any cover.

Dad watches television. He sees another extreme close-up of someone's anguish. He wonders why cameras zoom in so close you can't see their entire head. He asks if they think he can't read the person's expression from more than two inches away. He calls it a violation of personal space. It's a heartless assault on human dignity. Mom asks why he's standing against the wall. Dad says he's watching television.

Calvin yells for the thermostat to be raised. Dad says consuming less fuel is better for the environment and saves money. Calvin didn't know that. Dad adds that being cold builds character. Calvin knew it.

Calvin listens to the radio, which promises not to expose him to anything he hasn't heard a million time before. It says they'll get back to hits from those high school days when their world stopped. But first, their critic will review the latest movie based on a 60's or 70's TV show. Calvin walks by Dad with a strange look on his face. Dad asks what that look is supposed to mean.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking for weirdness. Hobbes finds a rock with a purple stripe. Calvin finds a stick. It's strange, but not weird. There are no bugs out, so nothing there. Calvin finds a bird feather. Hobbes says it's pretty, but not weird. Calvin sees a ripped-up old kite stuck in a tree. Calvin was hoping to find the kid's skeleton at the end of the string. Hobbes thinks that would be weird. They decide to go inside. Hobbes says some days, weirdness is hard to find. Just then, Dad rides by on his bicycle. He's all bundled for the cold. Dad says his glasses are fogged, and he can't blow his nose, but his heart rate is the envy of men half his age. Calvin says weirdness always starts at home. Hobbes says even when you look for it, you're not prepared for it.