Calvin is off to check his tiger trap. Since Calvin baited it with a tuna fish sandwich, he's sure he'll have caught a tiger. Calvin tells his Dad that tigers will do anything for tuna fish. Hobbes, hanging by his foot in the trap, says tigers are kind of stupid that way.

Calvin asks Dad what he should do when he catches a tiger. Perturbed, Dad replies Calvin should bring it home and stuff it. Hobbes, sitting in the kitchen, tells Calvin (who's looking for more food in the refrigerator) he can't eat another bite.

Dad yells at Calvin to go to sleep and to quit making noise. Calvin blames Hobbes for jumping on the bed. Dad says Hobbes was not jumping on the bed, and that Calvin should go to sleep. Calvin tells Hobbes that he was the one jumping on the bed. Hobbes says Calvin was the one playing the cymbals.

Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to put his tiger in his locker. Calvin protests that Hobbes would suffocate. Miss Wormwood allows Calvin to put Hobbes under his seat. Calvin is relieved and promptly asks Hobbes for some math assistance.

Dad tells Calvin good night. As he's leaving, Calvin asks if he isn't going to say good night to Hobbes. Dad does so. Hobbes complains about there being no story or smooch. Calvin calls Hobbes a sissy and tells him to go to bed.

Calvin asks Dad to check under the bed for monsters, which he does. Then, he asks to have the dresser checked. Dad refuses. Calvin is sure that's where the monsters will be hiding, and that they'll come out when Calvin goes to sleep. Calvin decides to be proactive by arming himself with a suction dart gun and giving Hobbes a horn. The plan is to irritate the monsters by honking the horn, then shooting them. As they execute their plan, a monster comes in the door. Dad, with several suction darts sticking to him, asks Mom to come upstairs. Calvin is heard saying he was going to finish off the monster when he found his baseball bat.

Calvin asks whether there are any monsters in his room tonight. Multiple replies of "no" come from under the bed. Calvin threatens to use a flamethrower on any monster coming out. Hobbes asks whether Calvin really has a flamethrower. Calvin replies that if the monsters can lie, so can he.

Calvin says dinner smells like bat barf. Dad sends him to his room. Mom thinks that might be a bit harsh, but Dad holds firm. Dad says Calvin needs to learn manners. He also says Calvin won't starve. Calvin and Hobbes are seen on the telephone ordering extra pepperoni.

Mom thinks Hobbes is getting dirty. Mom suggests that Calvin and Hobbes both take a bath. Calvin excitedly starts undressing before Mom clarifies that his bath is upstairs. Calvin is jealous of Hobbes, who is in the washing machine but thinks Calvin would not enjoy it.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding the wagon down the hill as Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in fate. Hobbes questions whether Calvin means our lives are predestined. Calvin confirms that he is thinking that the things they do are inevitable. As they fly into the air after flying off the end of a pier, Hobbes states that is a scary thought.

Hobbes asks Calvin about the new girl in school. Calvin doesn't know her name. Hobbes wonders if she's nice. Calvin doesn't care. Hobbes asks the big question of whether Calvin likes her, which gets an emphatic NO reply.

Calvin sees the new girl coming and yells a question asking if that's Susie Derkins' face or if a possum is stuck in her collar. He then yells that she should have a debilitating brain aneurysm. Hobbes says she's cute, to which Calvin wants Hobbes to go away.

Mom is carrying Calvin to bed. Calvin warns that Hobbes will messily devour anyone bringing him to bed before 9:00. Mom shows that Hobbes is in the washing machine. In bed, Calvin complains that was a fine time for Hobbes to take a bath.

As Hobbes is drawing a picture, Calvin asks whether Hobbes watched the movie on TV last night. Hobbes says no. Calvin then asks whether Hobbes watched the game. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks whether Hobbes watched any TV last night. Hobbes says no. Calvin then asks what he did watch.

Mom asks whether Calvin is bringing Hobbes to school again. She asks whether the kids make fun of him for doing that. Calvin replies that Tommy Chesnutt did, but no one did anymore. Mom asks what happened to Tommy. Calvin replies that Hobbes ate him. Hobbes comments that Tommy needed a bath.

Dad comes into the bedroom yelling that Calvin is making too much noise and is supposed to be asleep. Calvin replies he's hitting monsters under the bed. He's using a baseball bat. Dad shows Calvin he's mistaken by pulling Hobbes out from under the bed. Calvin says it's a good thing he occasionally missed with the bat. Hobbes agrees and asks to see the bat for a minute.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying on a hill. Calvin wonders where they go when they die. They think about it awhile, and Hobbes wonders if it's Pittsburgh. Calvin wonders whether Hobbes is referring to where they go if they're good or if they're bad.

Calvin and Hobbes are wandering in the tall grass. Hobbes says they're lost again. Calvin, in his pith helmet, says that "lost" isn't in the vocabulary of brave explorers. Hobbes wonders if "mommy" is. They both cry out "mommy".

Calvin finishes building a snow fortress. As he and Hobbes are inside, Calvin rants about being invincible. That the fort is impenetrable, and that they rule and are immune to any onslaught. Calvin then looks over at Hobbes, who is grinning widely. Hobbes then smacks Calvin with a snowball.

Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Calvin asks whether Hobbes is still awake, which he is. Downstairs they go. They wait at the fireplace, and Calvin says when Santa drops his bag down, Hobbes should grab it and Calvin will close the flue.

Calvin looks at Hobbes with sad eyes and apologizes for not getting Hobbes a gift or a card. Hobbes says it's alright, as he didn't get anything for Calvin. Hobbes gives Calvin a big tiger hug for being his best friend. Calvin calls Hobbes a big sissy and tells Hobbes he is squeezing Calvin so hard tears are coming out. Hobbes tells him "Merry Christmas".

Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill as Calvin asks how long it will be till bedtime. Hobbes guesses six or seven hours and wonders why Calvin asked. As they fly off the hill, Calvin hopes his Mom will notice they're missing by then.

Hobbes is reading a newspaper while Calvin watches TV. Hobbes reads that by age 6, children have seen a million murders on TV. Calvin finds that very disturbing. He believes he's been watching all the wrong channels.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ever kissed a girl. Hobbes replies that he has kissed a few. Calvin asks what it was like. Hobbes grabs Calvin and plants a big kiss on him and says "only a lot more so". Calvin tries to clean his lips while he says he was hoping it wasn't so fuzzy.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he finds attractive in women. Hobbes replies that he has always been partial to redheads...with green eyes...and long whiskers.

Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill, and Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks happens when they die. After thinking about it, Hobbes replies they play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in heaven. Hobbes replies to call it what you like.

Calvin and Hobbes are in their treehouse, wearing paper hats and brandishing swords. They're a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep an eye out so no girls come on board. Calvin reiterates that they're a murderous bunch of pirates. Hobbes wants to know who they smooch.

Calvin and Hobbes are on a Cub Scout trip, but are hopelessly lost again. Calvin replies that he's always prepared. With his full backpack, they can stay out for weeks. As Hobbes grabs one of the dozens of comic books from the backpack, he comments that they can do that as long as they don't get hungry.

Calvin is home from school. As he enters his bedroom, Hobbes attacks him. They tussle, and Mom is forced to yell for Calvin to quit crashing around. Calvin tries to explain that he was fighting for his very survival against Hobbes' attack. Mom is more concerned with having to sew Hobbes up again, so she asks Calvin to do something quiet upstairs. Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom always takes his side. Hobbes taunts Calvin by sticking his tongue out and saying that Mom wanted another tiger, not him.

Hobbes asks Calvin what he's watching on TV. Calvin replies that the show is garbage that would insult a six-year-old. Hobbes asks why he doesn't watch something else. Calvin tells him the other shows are worse. Hobbes asks why he watches TV at all. Calvin tells him that there's nothing else to do. Hobbes indignantly tells Calvin that he could read a book, write a letter, or take a walk. He says Calvin will wish he had more memories when he's old and looks back on these years. Calvin agrees, but stays in front of the TV. Hobbes decides to join him.

Calvin asks Mom if he can remove his floorboards and build a secret passageway. Mom says not to be ridiculous, and that he'd come through the kitchen ceiling if he tried it. Calvin walks up to his room and asks Hobbes how quietly he thinks they can nail the boards back in.

Mom yells up the stairs for Calvin to get up. She goes to his bedroom door, tells Calvin it's nearly 7:30 and asks if he's ready. Calvin replies he's coming. There sits Hobbes with Calvin's shirt and cap on. Hobbes tells Calvin that he knew it wouldn't work. Calvin believes it didn't work because Hobbes didn't put on Calvin's pants.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows where babies come from. Hobbes says no. Calvin then wonders how a person would find out. Hobbes asks to see the back of Calvin's shirt. He then informs Calvin that he came from Taiwan.

Dad is trying to read Calvin the story of "Little Red Riding Hood". Calvin keeps changing the wolf to a tiger. As Dad gets to the part about the hunter shooting the wolf (or tiger in this story), he changes his mind. He says the tiger pounces on the hunter and Little Red Riding Hood, eating them and living happily ever after. Calvin thanks Dad for the good story as Hobbes tries to hold back tears.

Calvin is doing some math conversions dealing with bushels and pecks. He asks Hobbes what a peck is. Hobbes, of course, replies that it's a quick smooch. Calvin laments that he just doesn't math at all.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have some money to go to the movies with Hobbes. The movie title is "The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High". Not surprisingly, Mom declines and informs Calvin there are much better ways he can spend his afternoon. As he goes back to his bedroom, Hobbes asks what Mom had said. Calvin states that she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.

As they gaze into the evening sky, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes their destinies are controlled by the stars. Hobbes believes they can do whatever they want with their lives. Calvin answers "Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it".

Standing behind a snow berm, Calvin asks whether Hobbes is ready. Hobbes replies no. Calvin continues to make snowballs and yells to Hobbes to hurry up. Hobbes, standing on a lever and fulcrum with a huge snowball at the end says he's now ready.

Sledding down the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes in life after death, reincarnation. As they go zinging through the trees, Hobbes covers his eyes and tells Calvin to just steer.

Calvin is taking a bath. He worries he might drown with no one there to rescue him, so he brings Hobbes into the tub. Hobbes disguises himself with bubbles, then Calvin gets one of Dad's hats for Hobbes to wear. As Calvin goes off to get a tie to add to the disguise, Hobbes tells him to hurry because Mom is coming. As Calvin walks naked behind Dad, who's reading a book, we hear Mom yelling at Dad for taking a bath in his best hat.

Mom wakes Calvin for school. Calvin says he's not going to school anymore. Mom replies that he has to, because it's the law. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't have to go to school. Mom tells him it's because he's a tiger. Calvin asks Hobbes what being a tiger has to do with it, and Hobbes replies that tigers wreck the grade curve.

As Calvin and Hobbes pull the sled up the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether it's better to live in security or to take risks and live on the edge. As the sled is ready for the trip down the hill, Calvin and Hobbes sit on the sled. Calvin states that he believes it's best to accept danger and live to the fullest. As the sled goes down the hill, Calvin says that by Hobbes' silence, he must agree with Calvin. However, Hobbes isn't on the back of the sled after all.

Calvin sits at a desk at home making Susie Derkins a valentine. Hobbes comments on how cute Susie is. Calvin is putting lace around the heart-shaped valentine. Hobbes is sure Susie will like it. Calvin writes that he hates her, and that she should drop dead.

Calvin asks Hobbes what it's like to be in love. Hobbes describes your heart falling into your stomach, you sweat and get woozy and that you babble like a cretin until she leaves. Calvin is surprised that is what love is. He felt that way once, but thought it was cooties.

Calvin tells Hobbes he got the new record from Scrambled Debutante. He shows Hobbes the lyric sheet and tells Hobbes the songs glorify violence, mindless sex, and deliberate use of dangerous drugs. Hobbes is sure Mom will have conniptions if she sees the lyrics lying around. Calvin says he sure didn't buy the record for the music, as he throws the album into the trash can.

In the middle of the night, Mom and Dad awake to Calvin yelling for Mom. He yells that he's thirsty. Mom dutifully stumbles off to take care of things. She gives Calvin a cup, to which he questions if this is just water.

As Mom is driving Calvin home, the car breaks down. Mom starts yelling at the car, and Calvin encourages her to go ahead and swear. Mom gets out of the car to look under the hood. Calvin suggests she kick the car, because that works on TV. Calvin notices all the cars going by on the road and worries no one will stop. Hobbes suggests they honk the horn. They do, as Mom holds her ears in pain. Calvin and Hobbes cheer as someone stops. The man asks whether Mom wants a tow truck. Mom replies that he should call the police and report an infanticide.

Calvin asks Hobbes for some homework assistance. He asks what a pronoun is. Hobbes states it's a noun that lost its amateur status. Calvin isn't so sure, but figures he might get a point for originality.

Dad lets Calvin out of the car, but tells Calvin to leave Hobbes inside. Calvin tries to convince Dad to let Hobbes come, but Dad says no. Calvin asks for the window to be left open to give Hobbes some air. As they walk off, Hobbes asks Calvin to see if Dad will leave the keys so Hobbes can listen to the radio.

Calvin notices a movie in the paper, "Vampire Sorority Babes". Hobbes points out that you need to be eighteen to enter. Calvin indicates that's no problem. The cashier at the theatre notes this is a new one as Calvin, with Hobbes on his head wearing a long coat, orders two....he means one ticket.

Calvin asks how many monsters there are under his bed. Only one replies. Calvin and Hobbes decide they outnumber the monster and can get him with a baseball bat. As they grab the bat, the voice under the bed tells the others to quit shoving. Calvin and Hobbes yell for Mom as the monster mutters thanks to Maurice, for ruining things.

Mom tells Calvin they'll be out a couple hours and to be good and watch TV. Calvin and Hobbes rejoice at the news and head to the telephone to call Videorama to rent a VCR and some movies. Hobbes wants Calvin to ask for "Attack of the Coed Cannibals".

Mom and Dad come home and note the house is still standing. They figure Calvin has gone to bed. Since his light is still on, Mom enters the bedroom. A bucket of water falls down on her head. She wants to know if Calvin watched a scary movie. Huddled under his covers, he says no. But he adds that Mom shouldn't come in because the rug is rigged, also.

Calvin is complaining that it's cold outside in the snow. Hobbes tells him he should get a good fur coat like he has. Calvin looks at Hobbes, then puts Hobbes over his shoulder. Calvin wonders if Hobbes ate cement for breakfast as Hobbes reminds Calvin that this wasn't his idea.

Calvin drops a quarter into the snow. He tries to find it, but Hobbes tells him he'll have to wait until the snow melts. Calvin won't have any of that, so he gets hold of a hair dryer and goes to work on the snow.

Calvin wants to show Hobbes something weird. He puts a slice of bread in the toaster and pushes the lever. The toast pops up. Hobbes wonders what happened to the bread. That's the weird thing Calvin wanted to show.

Calvin comments that it's too bad the world is ending soon. Hobbes asks for clarification. Calvin tells him comets are harbingers of doom, and that Halley's Comet spells the end. Hobbes informs him that is only a superstition. Calvin realizes he better write his book report.

Hobbes is eating as Calvin and he come down the hill in the wagon. Calvin offers a beverage, which then spills out of the can. Hobbes is asked if he wants dessert as items fly out of the wagon. Calvin tells him they'll be landing soon as they fly off the edge of the hill. Crashed below, Calvin declares that the seat belt light is off and thanks Hobbes for taking Flight 240, non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Hobbes reminds himself not to take the dinner flight next time.

Hobbes is hanging in a tree, lowering a rope. Calvin thanks him for helping put up the tire swing. Hobbes wonders where he got such a nice tire. Dad, standing in his garage, is next to his jacked-up car with one tire missing.

Hobbes asks Calvin what he's eating. Calvin tells him it's his new favorite "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". He offers Hobbes a taste, and Hobbes chokes on the sweetness. Calvin states they're a little bland until you scoop sugar on them.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing war. Calvin is the defender of liberty, Hobbes the godless Communist oppressor. They square off and shoot each other with suction darts. They see they each have a dart stuck in them. Calvin suggests that it's kind of a stupid game.

Calvin asks to be dismissed from the dinner table. Mom wants him to finish his salmon. Calvin wants to bring the supper to his room while he studies, and Mom consents. Calvin happily gives Hobbes the salmon and asks how the homework is coming. Hobbes is having a bit of a problem with a subtraction problem, so he answers "Atlanta, Georgia".

Calvin finds a decoder ring in his cereal. He tells Hobbes they can now send each other messages in code. He chuckles that Mom and Dad won't be able to understand them at all....not that they do anyway.

Calvin decides he and Hobbes need to look "cooler". Calvin says cool people wear sunglasses, so he pulls out a couple pair. Hobbes wonders if it's cool to bump into things. Calvin tells him not to move, just to hang around.

Hobbes grabs Calvin's blanket so a parachute can be made. Calvin jumps out his window, planning to float gently to the ground. Instead, he plummets to the ground and crashes. Hobbes figures Mom will have a fit about the rose bushes.

Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night looking for UFO's. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep watching the moon since aliens like to sneak up from behind it. Mom comes up behind them and yells for Calvin to get back into bed. Calvin says that mothers, on the other hand, sneak up behind the pachysandra patch.

Calvin and Hobbes, lying in their sleeping bags in their tent, wish each other a good night. As we look at the tent in the moonlight, one of them asks if the other believes in ghosts. We then see both of them, wide-eyed and teeth clenched, with a baseball bat awaiting the daylight.

Calvin tells Hobbes that when he gets ready to take his bath, he puts his ducky in first. Hobbes asks if that's for companionship. Calvin informs him that it's to test for sharks.

Calvin and Hobbes go treasure hunting. Calvin has an ancient map that says where to dig. Hobbes is surprised to find a wallet full of money right where the map said. Calvin admits that it's Dad's wallet that Calvin buried last week.

Mom notices Hobbes has a torn seam and gets the sewing kit to repair him. Hobbes says it's just a little cut, and that no surgery is required. Calvin tells Hobbes he's just getting a couple stitches and wonders what the big deal is. Hobbes informs him that Mom doesn't use any anesthetic.

Hobbes sits up in bed and tells Calvin he had a peculiar dream. Hobbes explains he dreamed he was fighting a ferocious weasel and wonders what it means. Calvin rolls over from the covers, and we see he's all torn up. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes it means he will be sleeping on the floor tonight and calls him a nincompoop.

Calvin poses a moral question to Hobbes. If Calvin did something bad, would he have to tell Dad about it? Hobbes questions him about how bad a thing it was. Calvin hypothetically might have done something really bad to the car. Hobbes probes about how easily the car could be fixed. Calvin figures if he could find the car, it could be fixed. Given all that, Hobbes grabs a suitcase as Calvin brushes up on his Spanish with "I am el fugitivo".

Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything. Hobbes wants a big, sunny field to be in. Calvin incredulously says "A stupid field!?" He tells Hobbes to think big, about riches, power, anything. Hobbes just lies down and takes a nap. Calvin looks at him and says it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.

As Calvin sits on a rock with his fishing line in the water, a fish crawls up on the rock and bites Calvin in the butt. Hobbes comes by and asks if the fish are biting. Calvin tells him to drop dead.

Calvin has a cough, so Mom heads off to get cough medicine. Calvin tells he it was Hobbes coughing. Hobbes says it was not, but Calvin tells him the cough syrup tastes awful. Hobbes refuses to take the medicine. Mom comes into the room and gives it to Calvin as he loudly protests that Hobbes was coughing. Calvin gags on the medicine. He then tries to convince Hobbes it tastes real good and to try some. Hobbes isn't buying that story.

Calvin, trying to build a model airplane, can't get it to look right. He complains the directions are impossible. In a fit of anger, he smashes the model with a hammer. He then declares the airplane a victim of antiaircraft fire. Hobbes notes Calvin's planes do seem to run into those.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Tommy told a funny story at school. Hobbes wants to hear it. Hands on hips, Calvin admits the story itself wasn't very funny, but the way Tommy told it was. Tommy was drinking milk and when he laughed, it went up his nose.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying in the grass on the hill. Calvin asks if Hobbes ever thinks about the end of the world as they know it. Hobbes asks if he means nuclear war. Calvin clarifies he was referring to Mom catching him letting the air out of the car tires.

Hobbes is sitting in the wagon at the top of the hill. Calvin is standing in skates with an umbrella in his hand. He asks if Calvin thinks this will work. Calvin is sure. Down the hill they go, racing around trees, crashing over bumps, until finally they fly off the end of the pier into the lake. Calvin yells that he's flying. In the water, Hobbes asks how it was. Calvin thinks it is great, and that they should get some other kids and charge them for the ride.

Calvin asks Hobbes what a word in his book means. Hobbes looks at the word and turns frizzy with his eyes opening wide. He tells Calvin he doesn't know. Calvin yells that he does, too, know. He wants to find a dictionary.

Calvin wants to see what happens when popcorn is popped without a lid. First one, then several kernels go flying out of the pan. Calvin thinks that's more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave.

Mom tells Calvin they're going to the store. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes, but Mom tells him to leave Hobbes at home. Calvin yells that he wants Hobbes to come with them. We see Calvin carrying Hobbes out the door saying if you can't win with reason, go for volume.

Everyone is going out to dinner. Calvin is taking a bath, while Hobbes uses Dad's cologne, wears a tie and sport coat, looking like something out of "GQ". As they're sitting at the restaurant, with Hobbes in a chair of his own, Dad is wondering how he got talked into this. Calvin is asking the waitress for the wine list.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying on their backs on the hill. Hobbes asks if Calvin believes there is a God. Calvin thinks about it, and decides that somebody's out to get him.

Calvin pulls three new magazines out of the mailbox. He tells Hobbes that he got five more the day before. Calvin loves getting all this mail. Hobbes asks why he's getting all these magazines. Calvin explains that he went to the library and filled out all the cards that said "Bill Me Later".

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting in the chair, eating cereal, watching cartoons. Calvin comments on the classic humor and that these cartoons are what entertainment is all about. Idiots, explosives, and falling anvils.

Calvin and Hobbes are fishing. Hobbes doesn't want to put his worm on the hook. Neither does Calvin. Calvin decides to dump the worms into the water and net the fish when they come up for the worms. No fish comes, as the worms get soggy and sink. Calvin says they should go get some fast food hamburgers, which come in neat little boxes. Hobbes wonders who would want something that ate worms, anyway.

Calvin sees a movie he wants to watch. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin replies the listing says "Japanese cast". He reads the description of two rubbery monsters slugging it out over major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy. Calvin thinks that sounds great, while Hobbes ponders that people say foreign film is inaccessible.

Rosalyn is lying on the sofa, talking to her boyfriend on the phone. She tells him she's baby sitting Calvin. The boyfriend wonders if she's having any problems. Rosalyn says no. She says you have to show kids who's boss. Calvin and Hobbes are in the garage. Calvin asks Hobbes how much longer it will be till Rosalyn lets them out. Hobbes says she told them 8:00, and it's almost 6:30 now.

The baby sitter arrives as Mom and Dad are going out. Calvin declares that she isn't his Mom, so he doesn't have to pay attention to her. Calvin will do whatever he wants to, so he tells her to stay out of the way. The baby sitter shows Calvin a list of emergency phone numbers that was left. She warns him about him not wanting her to call any of those numbers. Calvin says it's 6:30, so he'll turn in. The baby sitter says for eight bucks a night, she doesn't put up with much.

Calvin and Hobbes are roasting marshmallows under the moonlight. Hobbes asks where their tent is, since the scoutmaster told them to set the tents up. Calvin replies that when he was told to pitch the tent, he threw it away.

Calvin and Hobbes are hiking along, and Calvin comments on how the best part of the hikes is seeing all the wildlife. Suddenly, he yells, "Look! A tiger!" Hobbes' eyes bulge out as he looks over his shoulder in terror. Since there was no tiger, Calvin smiles and turns around to walk away. Hobbes tells Calvin not to do that.

Calvin claims they are hopelessly lost and separated from the troop. They're left in the wild to survive by their wits unaided. One of the other scouts comes over, tells Calvin the scoutmaster wants him to pick up his stuffed tiger and get his rear in gear. As they hike along, Calvin whispers to Hobbes that they'll try to lose them again over the next hill.

Hobbes pokes his head into the tent and tells Calvin to grab the hot dogs. The troop's cooking dinner over the fire. Calvin walks back to the tent and complains that he's been carrying around a microwave for nothing.

Calvin serves the volleyball. Hobbes jumps up and spikes it down. Calvin grabs the volleyball and says they should leave. They are standing next to a tennis net, and someone is coming to use the court.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have a cigarette. She gives him one of grandfather's that were left there. She tells him to smoke it outside. Calvin thinks Mom is pretty cool sometimes. He lights it up, takes a puff, and starts hacking. Hobbes thinks smoking would be an easy habit to break. Mom comes out and asks if Calvin learned a lesson today. Calvin says yes, that trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.

Susie Derkins is walking along and comes upon Hobbes lying in the grass. She notices it looks like a dog has been chewing on him. She picks him up, figuring a tea party with other stuffed animals might not hurt.

Calvin is walking along a wall yelling for Hobbes. Susie asks if Calvin would like to join her tea party. Calvin angrily declines, saying he's looking for his friend who's been kidnapped by a dog. Susie sits at her tea set talking to Mr. Tiger (Hobbes) about how rude Mr. Calvin is.

Calvin decides to ask Susie to keep an eye open for Hobbes. When he goes back to tell her, he sees Hobbes at the tea set. Calvin kisses Susie's hand and thanks her profusely for finding Hobbes. Susie talks to her rabbit about what a gentleman Mr. Calvin is, but notices all the cookies are gone.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he should do when Moe comes to beat him up in gym class. Hobbes offers the thing tigers do when a rhino charges, climbing up the nearest tree. Calvin laments that advice. Hobbes muses that it doesn't impress the girls, but it's better than impressing them and getting killed.

Calvin wants Hobbes to help him with Moe at school. Calvin wants Hobbes to eat Moe. Hobbes is shocked. Calvin explains that tigers eat people all the time. Hobbes questions if the cafeteria ladies will let him use the oven.

Calvin is complaining about it being too early to be in bed. Hobbes is lying next to him. Calvin goes on to say he isn't even tired, it's the stupidest thing he can imagine, and that Mom and Dad are trying to get rid of him. He says he can't sleep and asks Hobbes if he can. Hobbes angrily turns around and tells Calvin "NO!"

Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes have formed a lobby and want more privileges. Mom wonders what he's referring to, as he has it made. He has no responsibilities, no cares, no worries. What else could he want? As they walk away, Hobbes asks why he didn't ask about the credit cards in their names. Calvin dismisses it by saying Mom was in one of her moods.

Calvin happily hops out of bed saying he loves Saturdays. He gets up at six, has three bowls of crunchy sugar bombs, watches television till noon, and is incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Calvin proudly says he has no brothers or sisters so far.

Calvin, with a cola bottle in hand, tells Hobbes the commercials say drinking that cola increases one's sex appeal. He proceeds to gulp down the cola. Calvin launches a huge burp which has Hobbes wide-eyed and jumping in the air. Hobbes thinks that might be a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Calvin, meanwhile, says it went right up his nose.

Calvin wants the right to vote. He feels he has no representation. Hobbes asks if he's concerned with the direction the country is taking. Calvin says he just wants a bigger piece of the pie.

Dad shows Calvin a magic trick. He pulls a dime out of Calvin's ear. Calvin gives a sinister expression. Hobbes is holding Calvin upside down shaking him. Hobbes wants to know if anything has happened yet. Calvin replies nothing but a bloody nose.

Calvin comes into his parents' bedroom wishing Dad a Happy Father's Day. Calvin tells him that today, he will live by Dad's principles of fatherly wisdom. Unfortunately, it's five o'clock in the morning. Calvin reminds Dad about early to bed, early to rise. Calvin tells Dad he would have bought him a present, but a penny saved is a penny earned. Since Calvin is getting interest on the money he isn't spending, Calvin is a happier, better person from Dad's teachings. Mom grumbles "Good work, Socrates" to Dad. Dad comments that he knew they made a mistake when he saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital bassinet.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on a tree branch. Calvin comments about never having been that high in a tree before. Hobbes notes that you can see for miles. Calvin says that was quite a crash, as we see the wagon lodged into a lower branch than the one they're on.

Calvin happily notes that it's stopped raining. He tells Hobbes this is the best time for wormucking. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin explains that you walk on the pavement and muck all the worms.

Calvin and Hobbes are running through the house as Mom yells for them to stop it. Suddenly, there are sounds of crashing. Mom asks Calvin what she had just told him. Calvin replies that it beats him, wasn't she listening either?

Calvin and Hobbes are playing. Calvin shoots Hobbes and claims that he's dead. Hobbes says that Calvin missed. Calvin calls Hobbes a cheater, but Hobbes tells him that he's standing there talking to him. Calvin shoots again. Hobbes tells Calvin what a miserable shot he is.

Dad yells to Calvin to hurry up. They have a 7:00 reservation. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes along. Dad explains that Hobbes would probably eat someone at the restaurant, so he can't come along. Calvin tells Hobbes that he probably would do that. Hobbes acknowledges he can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.

Pirate Calvin yells for his crew to prepare. There is a frigate to board. He calls for the raising of the skull and crossbones. He calls for the preparation of the plank. Hobbes tells him their ship is a plank. Calvin tells Hobbes, the wise guy, that he'll walk it.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin hits the ball and runs. They throw the ball back and forth a few times as Calvin runs. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a nice double play. He asks who's out. Hobbes tells him it depends if he's on Hobbes' team or if Hobbes is on Calvin's team.

Hobbes tells Calvin not to move because a bee landed on his back. Calvin squirms around and wants Hobbes to get it off. Hobbes tells him to be still and not imagine that it crawls down his shirt and into his pants. Calvin jumps way into the air as Hobbes comments that Calvin imagined it.

Hobbes places the end of the toilet paper roll into the toilet, and Calvin tells him to flush it. As they flush it, toilet paper unrolls into the drain. Calvin and Hobbes heartily laugh. They decide to do it again. Downstairs, Mom tells Dad she doesn't want to know what Calvin's doing. Dad says he doesn't either, so off they go to check.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's had trouble choosing a new hobby. He thought about collecting bugs, then stamps. Hobbes asks what he decided on. As Calvin raises his foot, he tells Hobbes stamped bugs.

Calvin complains that everyone has cable TV or a VCR. He rants on about having to watch summer repeats. Dad comments on how cruelly mistreated Calvin is. In his room, Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad gave him a copy of "Oliver Twist" so that he could identify with it. Hobbes is upset because "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable.

Calvin tells Hobbes he has a helium balloon. Calvin is going to stand on a ladder and let the balloon take him up and away. Nothing happens. Hobbes suggests he jump off the ladder. Calvin does, and promptly plows his face into the ground. Hobbes notes the balloon has, however, flown into the sky. He says Calvin should have held on.

Dad is trying to concentrate on his driving. There's lots of traffic around. Calvin and Hobbes start making faces at each other, trying to get each other to laugh. As they're laughing, Dad turns around and yells at them that he told them to be quiet. Calvin says that they were having a weird face contest, but that fit's over. Dad won.

Dad pokes his head into Calvin's bedroom and wonders what all the ruckus is about. He sees feathers in the room. He asks Calvin whether he's tearing up pillows. Calvin clarifies that a herd of ducks flew in the window, molted, and left when Dad came in. After Dad leaves, Hobbes angrily notes there's no dessert for a week due to the bogus alibi. Calvin retorts that Hobbes wasn't offering any brainstorms.

Calvin boasts to Hobbes that he has a water balloon, while Hobbes doesn't. Calvin has the offensive superiority. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do about it. Hobbes thinks he'll pick up a stick and poke Calvin's water balloon. As Calvin stands soaked with water, he notes that weapons technology gets obsolete so quickly.

Calvin tells Hobbes not to move. Hobbes asks why. Calvin explains the ugliest, fuzziest caterpillar he's ever seen is about to chomp Hobbes' bottom. Hobbes yells for him to kill it. Calvin stomps on Hobbes' tail. Hobbes yells in pain. As Calvin is chased by Hobbes, Calvin tells Hobbes he has no appreciation for physical humor.

Calvin is walking by with a bucket in his hand. Hobbes asks where he's going. Calvin replies he's going to the other side of the lake. Hobbes asks what the bucket is for. Calvin tells him it's to drain the lake.

Lying under a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin that what he likes most about summer days is that they're made for doing things. They continue to lie under the tree as Hobbes says even if it's nothing. Calvin adds that it's the case especially if it's nothing.

Standing by the edge of the water, Calvin says this looks like a great place to catch a crawdad. Hobbes asks what they'll do with one if they catch it. Calvin says they won't have to worry about that. Hobbes asks Calvin if that means he doesn't know what a crawdad is, either.

The family has gone to the beach for a getaway. Calvin and Hobbes run across the sand. They yelp with pain from the hot sand. Finally, they reach the water and jump in. And right out they come, yelping with pain from the cold of the water. Then, they again yelp with pain from the hot sand as they return to the car. As Dad points to Calvin and Hobbes sitting in the car, Dad tells Mom they haven't driven an hour and a half for this.

From the back seat of the car, Calvin asks Mom and Dad when they'll be at the vacation spot. Calvin is told it's an eight-hour drive and they haven't left the state yet. They tell him to relax. Calvin looks out the window. He asks how much longer now. Mom and Dad both say "I told you we should have flown".

Calvin tells Dad he needs to go to the bathroom. Dad mentions they've just left the restaurant. He wants Calvin to think of something else. Calvin can only think of Niagara Falls, Hoover Dam, Noah's Ark. Suddenly, Mom decides she needs to go, as well. As Dad sits in the car at the gas station, he thinks he'll take a vacation by himself next year.

Calvin and Hobbes are having a squirt gun fight in the house. They chase after one another and wrestle throughout the house. Finally, Mom tells them that if they're going to tear around do it outside. Calvin and Hobbes sit on the step, looking out into the yard.

Calvin and Hobbes are out in the canoe. Calvin sees the dim outline of a whale. Hobbes thinks it was a rock. Calvin sees a giant eel slithering up from the bottom. Hobbes thinks it was a weed. Calvin sees the mast of a Spanish galleon sunk hundreds of years ago. Hobbes says it's a branch. Calvin comments on how boring it is, and that he wishes there was a movie theater nearby.

Calvin and Hobbes decide to go fishing. Fishing is one sport Calvin really likes. Calvin is on the end of the fishing line, held up by Hobbes' pole. Calvin has a bat in his hand and is trying to hit the fish. Hobbes says he understands since it's so contemplative.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on a log roasting wieners. The hot dogs catch fire. Calvin stomps on his hot dog, while Hobbes smacks his into the ground to put out the fires. Hobbes says he doesn't like food that's cooked outside. Calvin thinks it all tastes the same.

Calvin tells Hobbes that flowers are stupid. He comments that while the sun is shining, he can water the plants so they think it's raining. Calvin says it's fun to mess with their minds.

Mom calls for Calvin to come to his swimming lessons. Calvin yells that he doesn't want swimming lessons. He asks whether Hobbes is signed up. Mom tells him it's not too good to get tigers wet. Calvin asks Hobbes why that is. Hobbes replies it takes all day to dry and until then, they smell funny.

Calvin the fly buzzes along looking for dead meat. He darts this way and that, but he flies into a spider web. The fly tries to escape the web, but it's no use. Soon, his innards will be sucked out by the spider. Hobbes is standing next to Calvin, who's tangled up in the hammock. Hobbes tells Calvin he was going to join him, but he thinks he'll forget it.

Susie Derkins comes up to Calvin and Hobbes sitting under a tree. She asks what they're doing. Calvin hustles her away by saying they're doing important secret things. Susie calls Calvin a dandelion head and decides she doesn't care what he's doing. Calvin reiterates they're having fun and doing great things. After Susie is gone, Hobbes says that he thought they were bored out of their skulls. Calvin tells him he doesn't know anything.

Calvin approaches Susie and tells her she can play with them if she wants. Susie thanks Calvin and proceeds to establish the rules of the game. She'll be the high-powered executive wife, Hobbes can be the unemployed, housekeeping husband, and Calvin can be the bratty and brainless kid in the day care center. Off Susie goes to Wall Street. Calvin reminds Hobbes this was his idea and calls Hobbes a pea brain. Hobbes scolds Calvin for talking that way to his father.

Hobbes makes the pitch. Calvin hits the ball with his bat. He looks around for the ball. The ball is stuck to the bat, and Calvin accuses Hobbes of throwing a spitball.

As Calvin comes down the hill on his skates, he yells for Hobbes to tell him how to stop. Hobbes tells him to steer into a gravel driveway and fall down. Calvin skrunches to a stop. He trudges up the hill, all torn up, as Hobbes clarifies that was only a suggestion.

Calvin attacks Hobbes with a squirt gun. Hobbes strikes back by smacking Calvin with a water balloon. Calvin goes for supreme retaliation with the garden hose. He comments on how nothing can match the hose for water volume. He ponders whether Hobbes went so far as to...Hobbes comes around the corner of the fence dragging the swimming pool with him.

Calvin sees something in the dirt and says it must be a fossil. He picks up a coat hangar and wonders what peculiar animal that was. He knows it's not a bone and comments it might be a primitive hunting weapon or an eating utensil for cave men. He muses it might have a religious function. Hobbes now knows why Calvin's clothes stay on the floor.

Calvin is making a sign declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's Creek". He informs Hobbes that when you discover something, you can name it and put up a sign. Hobbes wonders what happens if you didn't really discover it. Calvin says that he did discover it because there isn't any other sign at the creek. When they arrive at the creek, there is already a sign. The sign reads "Hobs Crk", as Hobbes rolls his eyes and tries to look innocent.

Calvin asks Mom whether he and Hobbes can go play in the rain. Mom says no, he'll get soaked. Calvin asks what's so bad about that. Mom explains about catching pneumonia, running up a big hospital bill, and dying. Up in their room looking out at the rain, Calvin says he forgot that when he asks Mom something, he always gets a worst-case scenario. Hobbes mentions he didn't know those little showers were so dangerous.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to go spelunking with him. Hobbes says there aren't any caves around. Calvin says you don't need a cave, only a rock. Calvin throws a rock into a puddle. Spelunk goes the water.

Hobbes pushes Calvin down the hill in the wagon. Calvin comments on how hot it is. Hobbes agrees with him, saying he dislikes the humidity. After Calvin clarifies that Hobbes doesn't like humidity, he suggests Hobbes get out of the wagon quickly. The wagon is about two feet away from rolling into the water.

Calvin and Hobbes have a foot race. Faster and faster they go until, finally, they lie on the grass exhausted. Calvin can't believe it. There was no sonic boom, not even a "pop". Hobbes disagrees, saying he heard a pop but thinks it was his lungs.

Calvin is walking around with his face twisted and tongue hanging out. Hobbes asks what's wrong with Calvin. Calvin explained that since Mom told him his face would freeze like that, he's giving it a try. As Calvin heads off making his face, Hobbes falls in behind him making his own twisted face. Hobbes says he always liked gargoyles.

Calvin and Hobbes, both making faces, come up to Susie. Calvin figures she'll be horrified at their frozen faces. They exchange pleasant greetings, then Susie asks if Calvin got his head stuck in a blender. She says it's an improvement.

Hobbes puts on a mask and snorkel and says with the snorkel, they can stay underwater indefinitely. Calvin reminds Hobbes of the fish they'll see. Hobbes figures they can collect shells. Sitting in their little swimming pool, Calvin tells Hobbes that so far, it's been a major disappointment.

Calvin wants Hobbes to help him test the theory of relativity. He says the faster he goes, the slower time goes. So Hobbes pushes him down the hill in the wagon. Hobbes climbs aboard and keeps the time. Faster and faster they go, but time continues. Finally, as they fly off the side of the hill, Calvin asks if time has stopped. Hobbes replies no, but that his heart has. As they lie smashed into the ground, Calvin declares Einstein a fraud. Hobbes says no, because his clock has stopped.

Hobbes has Calvin add two eggs to the mixing bowl. Calvin does. Hobbes tells Calvin the recipe will make twenty pancakes, so they'll each get ten. Calvin says that's too much trouble. He pours the batter into a frying pan and says he'll make one big pancake, and they'll each get half.

Calvin yells that he wants Dad to read him a bedtime story. Dad begs off until tomorrow. Calvin replies he won't go to bed without a story. Dad gives him a very brief story dealing with a little boy who always wanted things his way and who gets locked in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. Calvin doesn't like those stories with morals.

Calvin sails out over the water on a rope swing. Calvin does a Tarzan yell. As he lets go, he looks down at the water and hurriedly grabs the rope back. As he comes back to shore, Hobbes asks him if the water looked a little cold.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin, the quarterback, jumps, dodges and throws the ball. Hobbes, the receiver, makes the great catch and heads for a score. Calvin wants a lateral so he can score. Hobbes calls a fumble and recovers the ball. Calvin calls a penalty and sends Hobbes to the bench. Hobbes defects to the other team. They go at each other. In a heap, Calvin can see why football is such a violent game. Hobbes' team, after a one yard gain, gets smooches from the cheerleaders.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying in the grass. Hobbes sits up and looks at his belly. He looks at his side. He tells Calvin he thinks he's using too strong a sun screen.

Calvin and Hobbes are fishing. Calvin complains that fishing is the most boring sport in the world. He says they've been there twenty minutes and not one thing has happened. Hobbes thinks about it, and he pushes Calvin into the water.

Calvin and Hobbes are bickering in bed. Calvin wants Hobbes to move over. Hobbes wants Calvin to give him some covers. Dad angrily yells for them to be quiet and go to sleep. They both stop for a second. Then, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said to move over and give back the covers. Hobbes tells Calvin that isn't what Dad said, and that Calvin stole his pillow.

Calvin says he's going to learn to ride his bicycle if it kills him. Hobbes lets go of the bike, and there's a crash. Hobbes picks the bike off Calvin and asks if it killed him. Calvin answers that the bike has decided to maim him first.

Calvin hops on his bicycle again. Hobbes tells him that people say once you've learned to ride, you never forget. Calvin believes that. After he again crashes, he says it works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.

Calvin tentatively gets back on the bike. He tells Hobbes to hold him steady. He shakily sits on the bike and congratulates himself on balancing the bicycle. Hobbes agrees that is good, then asks if he wants to try it with the kickstand up.

Calvin sees a frog in the water and asks Hobbes to help him catch it. Hobbes doesn't want to get near it. Calvin asks why not. Hobbes informs him they drink water all day in case someone picks them up.

Calvin and Hobbes return to their tent after hearing scary campfire stories. Hobbes doesn't think he'll ever sleep again. Calvin thinks he hears something. Hobbes isn't sure, but Calvin thinks it sounded like breathing, drooling, and ripping meat off human bones. They run screaming to their tent. As they light dozens of floodlights and spotlights around their tent, Hobbes admits he's glad they carried a generator all that distance.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for pizza. Mom tells him they had pizza last night, and that it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Calvin asks if she'd rather spend the night cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks. As they sit in the pizza restaurant, Dad notices they seem to go out for pizza a lot these days. Mom comments that he's welcome to make a dish of cereal at home, if he'd prefer.

Calvin and Hobbes are in the car, pretending to drive. Calvin races along the residential streets at 90 mph. Hobbes flips on a turn signal. Calvin makes school kids dive for safety. Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after Calvin, so he downshifts. Hobbes blows the horn. Mom comes back with groceries in hand asking if she can run an errand without Calvin honking the horn across the parking lot. Calvin pleads that it wasn't him blowing the horn.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking into the evening skies with binoculars. Calvin asks if Hobbes has seen any UFO's yet. Calvin tells him to keep his eyes peeled, that they'll land sooner or later. Hobbes asks what they'll do when the aliens land. Calvin will try to sell Mom and Dad into slavery in exchange for a star cruiser.

Hobbes is curled up sleeping. Calvin approaches. When Hobbes yawns, Calvin sticks his head in Hobbes' mouth and says "Ta daa!" Hobbes is unimpressed.

Mom tells Calvin she doesn't want him up in the tree. Calvin, sitting on a branch with Hobbes, asks why not. She explains some of the branches are dead and might break. As Calvin climbs down, he comments that Mom spoils everything. As they sit on top of a ladder, Hobbes comments that it just isn't the same.

Calvin laments the end of summer. He knows there is toil and drudgery ahead. Hobbes reminds him he spent half the summer vacation complaining about being bored. Thus reminded, Calvin figures he must have been delirious from having so much fun.

Calvin is complaining he has homework already. He has to write a whole paragraph about what he did over the summer. He says he'll never be able to write that much. He laments how unfair it is. With Hobbes sitting at the table, Calvin asks how it's coming. Hobbes says not so good. He needs to know what else Calvin did besides watch TV.

Calvin is explaining to Hobbes how to play soccer. He kicks the ball and says you can use any body part except hands or arms. Calvin says you can even use your head. After the ball hits, Hobbes asks if using his face doesn't hurt.

Calvin poses a hypothetical question to Hobbes. He wonders if a kid at school called him a nasty name, should he kick him in the shins? Hobbes says no, the violence would be unjustified. Calvin then asks another hypothetical question. What if he already did?

At the department store, Calvin asks Mom if he can get a particular pair of pants. Mom looks at it and says they're too expensive. She says he'll grow right out of them, too. She wonders why any kid needs designer clothes. Calvin replies, "Babes". Calvin has to look cool.

In bed, Calvin asks whether there are any monsters under his bed. No answer. He tells Hobbes to watch over the edge of the bed. Calvin tries fooling the monsters by saying he's getting a little plump. He says he's bigger, yet nice and lean. Hobbes looks down to the floor. Something under the bed is drooling. Calvin starts tying sheets together to go out the window.

Calvin tells Hobbes his plan to put Moe out of commission. The plan involves coming to school with Calvin and eating Moe when he comes to steal Calvin's money. Hobbes doesn't think he could eat him. Calvin wonders what the problem is. Hobbes replies that fat kids are high in cholesterol. Calvin cries that Hobbes can just chew him and spit him out.

The family is walking home from getting ice cream. Calvin wants Hobbes to pull him in the wagon. Hobbes refuses, since he didn't get any ice cream. Calvin complains that tigers don't like ice cream. Hobbes still refuses to pull the wagon. Calvin calls Hobbes fuzz brain and he, too, refuses to pull the wagon. They both sit there. Dad laments their walks always become rides. Mom tells him he needs the exercise anyway.

Calvin is leaning against a tree when Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's being "cool". Hobbes says he looks more like he's bored. Calvin replies that "The world bores you when you're cool".

Hobbes, wearing a sombrero, joins Calvin in being "cool". Calvin yells that cool people don't wear sombreros, that nobody wears sombreros. Hobbes trudges off wondering what the fun of being "cool" is if you can't wear a sombrero.

Hobbes is back, this time wearing Mickey Mouse pants. Hobbes knows he'll be "cool" in those pants. They have big, yellow buttons. Calvin tells Hobbes that he looks like an idiot. Hobbes thinks maybe he's new wave. Calvin still thinks Hobbes is just stupid.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin jumps on Hobbes to tackle him. He continues to try to bring Hobbes down, without success, while Hobbes walks down the field and scores a touchdown. Calvin wants to play something else.

Susie wants to squeeze Calvin's stuffed tiger. Calvin warns her that Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast. Susie thinks he looks cuddly. Calvin continues to explain about Hobbes' terrible mandibles of bone-crushing death. Calvin warns of mighty paws with razor-sharp claws. He concludes that Hobbes is a monster. Susie thinks Hobbes is cute and gives him a big hug. Calvin asks Hobbes what happened to the mandibles of death. He calls him a sissy furball. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, says he was beguiled by her feminine charms. He also tells Calvin to go soak his head.

Calvin asks what music Hobbes is listening to. Hobbes replies "The 1812 Overture". Calvin says the percussion section is interesting. Hobbes tells him those are cannons. Calvin mentions that they perform in crowded concert halls. He thought classical music was boring.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's just read a great science fiction story. He says it's about machines who take control of humans and make them zombie slaves. Hobbes clarifies by stating that instead of us controlling machines, they control us. He says that's a scary idea. Calvin agrees, then notices his TV show is on.

The tyrannosaurus lumbers through the valley. He's a walking death machine. Only one other creature dares challenge him, the saber-toothed tiger. Hobbes is peacefully sleeping. He rolls from side-to-side while Calvin awaits with mouth open. Finally, Calvin yells for Hobbes to wake up. The meek tyrannosaurus, victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the valley.

Calvin tells Hobbes they are going to discuss current events at school. He tells Hobbes each student had to pick an article, read it to the class, then explain it. Hobbes asks which article he chose. Calvin tells him "Space Alien Weds Two-Headed Elvis Clone". Calvin comments that there's not much left to explain.

Calvin shows Hobbes what you can do with big socks. He puts them over his ears, one over his nose. An elephant. Hobbes wants to join in on the fun. Dad is standing by his dresser with no socks on. He yells that if he misses the bus, it's going to be unpleasant around there.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree. Calvin mentions he doesn't understand about death. He wonders if we're all going to die, what's the point of living? Hobbes ponders that and offers an answer of "Seafood". In a huff, Calvin says he doesn't know why he even talks to Hobbes before dinner.

Calvin tells Hobbes the worst part of going to school is waiting for the bus. Hobbes is eating a sandwich. Calvin goes on to say that he just thinks about what's going to go wrong during the day. Hobbes is drinking some milk. As the bus comes, Calvin thanks Hobbes for waiting there with him. Hobbes tells him it was his pleasure as he finishes the sandwich. On the bus, Calvin notices his lunch box seems light.

Calvin jumps in a pile of leaves and tells Hobbes to join him. Hobbes isn't so sure, as he thinks slugs hide under leaves. Calvin is sitting in the pile of leaves. Hobbes continues explaining that the slimy muckballs might be slipping up his pant leg. He figures there might be dozens of them in the leaf pile. Calvin jumps out, thrashing around to knock any slugs off of himself. Calvin comments that's the problem with nature. There's always something stinging you or oozing mucous on you. He's going to watch TV. Hobbes reminds him that at 3:00, he can watch "The Blob".

Calvin shows Hobbes he can make a shadow animal. He makes a dog. Hobbes thinks it's pretty good. Calvin then tries to make a swan. Hobbes sees a bug-eyed tentacle thing. They both jump in fright, crawl under the covers, and yell for Mom.

Calvin starts to sneeze. He plugs his nose and holds the sneeze in. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin explains that he is trying to blow his shoes off.

Hobbes is reading an album cover. He tells Calvin the composer could play piano at the age of three. He wrote his first symphony at four. Hobbes says that's amazing. Calvin recalls that when he was four, he thinks he was toilet trained.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing a game of flag capture. Calvin complains to Hobbes that he put the flag too high in the tree. Hobbes informs Calvin that isn't a rule, so Calvin makes it a rule. Hobbes tags Calvin and tells him to go to jail. Calvin's argument that he had a time out falls on deaf ears. Calvin declares another new rule about automatic time outs when discussing rules. Hobbes calls time in and tags Calvin. Calvin tells him he can't do that, and they need to call time in at the same time. Hobbes accuses Calvin of continually changing the rules so he can win. Calvin retorts that he's doing it so Hobbes can't cheat. They call each other cheater and muffin head. They fight. As they stand in the laundry room covered in dirt, Calvin says Mom suggests taking up playing Monopoly. Hobbes, peeking out from the washing machine, says he knows all about the "interest-free bank loans" Calvin makes to himself.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he's going to dress up as for Halloween. Hobbes isn't sure yet. Calvin tells him the idea is to go as the scariest thing you can think of. Hobbes makes a fearsome face and says he might just go as himself. Calvin plans to go as a barrel of toxic waste.

Calvin gets ready to carve the jack-o'-lantern. Calvin draws the eyes and explains to Hobbes that it will look like a face when they're done. First, though, they need to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Calvin grabs a knife and says "OK, Jack, time for your lobotomy". He asks Hobbes for a big spoon. Hobbes covers his mouth and is sickened by Calvin not even using an anesthetic.

Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad likes Halloween as much as they do. Hobbes asks if Dad is taking them trick-or-treating. Calvin replies that Mom is. Hobbes asks if Dad is staying home to give out candy. Calvin tells him Dad is going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose to drench potential T.P.ers.

Having eaten their Halloween candy, Hobbes says he feels awful. Calvin thinks if someone even mentions "Milk Duds", he'll barf. Calvin laments the passing of another Halloween. He says its always a letdown after a holiday. He decides they might as well go into town to look at the Christmas decorations.

Calvin is taking a bath, playing with a paper ship. He pretends it's an aircraft carrier. He states the ship is virtually unsinkable. Hobbes knows what can sink it, a cannonball depth charge. He jumps into the tub and PFOOM! Calvin, and all the water in the tub, flies out onto the floor. Calvin tells Hobbes to refill the tub so they can do it again. Dad notices the waterfall coming down the stairs. He says he's going upstairs to see what her son is up to.

Calvin is making a "get well" card for Mom. He shows Hobbes the card. The front says "Get well soon". The inside elaborates that she should get well because Calvin's bed isn't made, his clothes need to be put away, and he's hungry. Hobbes wants to sign the card, too, because he's also hungry.

Hobbes asks Calvin what's wrong with Mom. Calvin replies he doesn't know, but that Mom went to the doctor's office. Hobbes wonders if maybe she's going to have a baby. Calvin jumps in horror at the thought. He wonders why she would want another kid. After all, she has him. Hobbes agrees that you'd think she would have learned her lesson.

Calvin tells Hobbes that when asked, Dad said as far as he knew. He said they'd know if she was having a baby because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland condition. Dad said that right before Mom creamed him with a pillow. Dad surmises that Mom must be feeling better. Hobbes thinks Calvin has weird parents.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the house. They're shooting at each other, running down the stairs, shooting around doors and over furniture. They're yelling the entire time. Mom yells to Calvin to stop tearing around the house. They're driving her crazy. Calvin tells her that she told him he couldn't play outside because it was raining. Calvin and Hobbes are outside, standing under an umbrella. Calvin says that sure worked. Hobbes wonders just how long it is until they can go back inside.

Calvin asks Hobbes to help him learn his line for the play. Calvin reads the line, gives the script to Hobbes, and Hobbes tells him to start. Suddenly, Calvin realizes he's not in character yet. He doesn't have his motivation. Hobbes wonders if it's fame. He supposes this role could be a big break.

They're still rehearsing. Hobbes reads the line before Calvin. Calvin starts his line, and stops. He starts again, and stops. Suddenly, he falls to his knees, says he hates the play and bemoans his inability to learn the part. Hobbes suggests his emoting is down pat.

Calvin has it figured out. He tells Hobbes the play is no sweat. Hobbes asks if Calvin has his line memorized. Calvin replies that he doesn't. He figures he'll come on stage, do a little soft-shoe and ad-lib something. Hobbes wonders how he'll ad-lib something on dietary fiber. Calvin thinks he could also do his onion in mime.

Calvin angrily sits on his sled at the top of the hill. He's dressed for winter, but there's no snow on the ground. He yells for there to be snow. Suddenly, snow starts falling. Calvin runs off claiming to be psychokinetic. After he leaves, the snow stops. Hobbes is sitting on a tree branch with an empty bag of snow he dumped down. With a smile on his face, Hobbes suggests that Calvin will hate him for this.

Calvin is waiting in his onion suit at the bus stop. Calvin tells Hobbes he feels like an idiot. He says he'll be glad when the play is over. Hobbes yells for Calvin to run for his life, a produce truck is coming. As Calvin runs off, Hobbes yells that he was just kidding.

Dad goes into the store, leaving Calvin and Hobbes in the car. They hide under a blanket, putting a bag on top of themselves, so Dad will think they've run away. Dad comes back out to the car, seeing that they're hiding. He says he wonders where they are. He says it's his chance to get away before they come back. He says Mom will be glad when she hears he's lost them. Calvin pops up saying Mom won't be glad. He calls Dad a sicko and says he's ruining Dad's getaway.

Reading the newspaper, Calvin tells Hobbes it's hard to believe there are still starving people in the world. He says there is even hunger in America, that some people never get enough to eat. Hobbes holds his stomach and says he knows what that's like. Calvin says he does not.

Calvin's playing with his toy soldiers. They're marching up the hill. Bombers appear on the horizon. Bombs begin to fall. Suddenly, pine cones rain down on Calvin's head. Hobbes, standing up on a tree branch, says he had two direct hits.

Calvin shows Hobbes that you get a plastic trinket in the box of "Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs" cereal. Hobbes notes the box says there are ten colors to collect. Calvin says Mom won't buy any more cereal until that box is gone. As they sit at the kitchen table with bowls in front of them, Hobbes figures it shouldn't take more than a couple hours to eat the box. Calvin isn't so sure, as he gets pretty wired after five bowls.

Calvin hears the doorbell. The baby sitter is here. Hobbes suggests hiding, but Calvin says they smell fear. Hobbes suggests going on the offensive. Calvin asks for paper and a pencil. Hobbes recognizes a blackmail attempt coming. Calvin tells him to get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying in bed. Calvin can't believe they were put there, and it isn't even dark out. Calvin decides that while she can put them in bed, she can't make them sleep. He gives Hobbes a horn, he gets a tom-tom. Rosalyn looks in and reminds Calvin that sleeping in a bed is a privilege, and that the basement will be less comfy. Hobbes wonders what she meant by "the basement". Calvin quickly turns and says "Shhh!".

Calvin asks Dad to read a story Hobbes wrote, "Goldilocks and the Three Tigers". Dad reads that Goldilocks walks in the forest, sees the house, goes into the house, sees the porridge in three bowls. Then the three tigers come home, divide Goldilocks into three parts, and dunk her in the porridge. Dad is disgusted by the story and refuses to continue. He says "Good night". Calvin laments he didn't even look at the illustrations. Hobbes complains about now being hungry.

Calvin trudges along complaining about the rotten day. He comes upon Hobbes, who is lying on his back. Calvin buries his head and hands into Hobbes' fur and rubs him. Calvin walks away with a smile on his face, declaring it "fuzz therapy".

Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes comes flying out, smashes into Calvin, and they tumble along. Hobbes thinks that's an enthusiastic greeting. Calvin wishes he'd just buy a "I missed you" card.

Calvin has a great idea for school. He takes a ping-pong ball and cuts it in half. He draws a dot on each end. He puts one over each eye so it looks like he's paying attention. He asks Hobbes if he makes him look too interested. Hobbes says no, because Calvin is looking in the wrong direction.

Calvin receives a chain letter in the mail. He reads that a man in Denver made copies and got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and went bald. Hobbes scoffs at the letter. He says those notes are for superstitious nincompoops and to throw the note away. Calvin continues, saying "a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer".

Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Hobbes scores 150 points with "zygomorphic" on a triple-word score. Calvin gets three points with "in". Hobbes scores 40 with "nucleoplasm". Calvin only has consonants. He kicks the board and refuses to play anymore. He suggests they play poker instead. At least he has a chance of winning with cards. He starts betting with a nickel. Hobbes, with a smile on his face, sees his nickel and raises him eight dollars.

Calvin plays with a Ouija board. He tells Hobbes the board knows all. They decide to ask the board which of them is smarter. Calvin calls for the board to answer their question. As they struggle over the pointer, Hobbes says it's heading for the "H". Calvin disagrees, saying it's trying to go to "C".

They decide to ask the Ouija board a different question. Calvin wants to know if he'll grow up to be president. The pointer starts to move. G..O..D..F..O..R..B..I..D. Calvin kicks the board and says he'll ask for an editorial when he wants one.

Hobbes wonders how the Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries. Calvin decides to ask it. The pointer goes to "3". Calvin remembers he didn't ask for the Ouija board last Christmas, he asked for a computer.

Calvin is making Mom and Dad a Christmas present out of clay. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's an ashtray. Hobbes looks up. He says Mom and Dad don't smoke. Angrily, Calvin tells him "OK, Michaelangelo, you sculpt something!".

Calvin tells Hobbes a homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you invested your time and skill into it. It says it's a personal gift, not a generic one. He tells Hobbes it also means you need a bigger allowance.

Hobbes is reading a news article that says many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. Calvin can believe it. He says it stresses him. Hobbes asks why. Calvin explains that he hates being good.

Calvin and Hobbes wake up Christmas morning. Calvin wants to wake Mom and Dad and go open all his loot. Hobbes thinks they should let them sleep in a little. They sit in bed, straining from the pressure. Calvin runs into their bedroom yelling to wake up, it's Christmas. They say it's a quarter to six, that he's let them sleep in this year.

Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill with their sled. Calvin says he sometimes likes to lie back on his sled and look at the sky. It's gray, no birds are singing, everything is muffled by the snow. He says without people or houses, everything would be perfectly still. Hobbes is on the sled, Calvin standing next to it. They both look into the sky. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks that's pretty neat. Hobbes agrees that it's very peaceful. Calvin kicks the sled down the hill. As Hobbes yells in terror, Calvin says he hates all that silence.

Calvin points out the toboggan, suicide sled, to Hobbes. He indicates the unique design that gets snow sprayed into your face and the shows the lack of steering mechanism. He says it's truly a danger to life and limb. Calvin and Hobbes go down the hill, coated in snow, cheering with joy.

Calvin comes in from outside. He's all bundled up. Mom says he looks cold. She tells him there is a fire made up and to go warm up. He runs to the fireplace saying nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire when you've been out in the cold. He gets there and sees Hobbes lying in front of the fire. Calvin notices that some people say "why bother going outside first?".

Hobbes comes wobbling along, eyes wide open, body swirling. Calvin says Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.

Hobbes comes up to Calvin, who's sitting at his desk writing. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's writing his autobiography. When Hobbes points out that he's only six years old, Calvin points out that he only has one sheet of paper.

Hobbes is lying in bed reading a book. Calvin asks if it's the book he gave him. Hobbes replies yes, and starts to explain why. Calvin stops him. He brings paper and a pencil over and asks Hobbes if he'd mind writing it in two pages for Calvin by tomorrow morning.

Calvin asks Mom if he was adopted, and Mom says no. Calvin then asks if she's planning on Calvin working in a cannery 14 hours a day when he's seven, and Mom says no. He then asks if she's fattening him up so he can be eaten. Mom wants to know who put all those ridiculous ideas into his head. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom called them "ridiculous ideas". Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she'd really tell him.

As they come down the hill on the sled, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he thinks human nature is good or evil. Hobbes wants Calvin to watch out for the trees. Calvin clarifies about being basically good, with bad tendencies or basically bad, with good tendencies. Hobbes wants his to watch out for the rock. Calvin offers a third choice, that people are basically crazy. Hobbes thinks they're too close to the edge. Calvin wants to know what Hobbes thinks. Hobbes can't watch as they crash into a tree. Calvin thinks it's rude for Hobbes to change the subject after each sentence. Hobbes chooses crazy.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking through the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he called Susie a booger-brain at school and she went home crying. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin says he was just teasing her. Hobbes tells Calvin that it sounds like he hurt her feelings. Calvin says he didn't mean for Susie to take the insult personally.

Calvin tells Hobbes he feels bad about calling Susie names and hurting her feelings. He says he's sorry he did it. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize to her. Calvin keeps hoping there's a less obvious solution.

Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. Calvin accuses Hobbes, who proclaims his innocence. Calvin calls him a liar. Hobbes replies Calvin is Mr. Tapioca Head. Calvin has been maligned. He promises not to speak to Hobbes again. They stick their tongues out at each other. Calvin mocks Hobbes walking. Hobbes returns the insult by mocking Calvin. They continue making fun of each other and making noises. Mom yells for them to come inside. Calvin laments Mom's interruption of their repartee. Hobbes is sure he had Calvin wriggling in the crushing grip of reason.

Calvin comes in with a couple envelopes and says one is for Hobbes. Hobbes is so happy, since he never gets letters. He looks at the envelope wondering who could have sent it and what could it be. Calvin yells for him to open it and calls him a lunatic. Hobbes tells him not to get huffy and that he wants to savor this.

Hobbes looks at what he got in the mail. He says it's an invitation. Calvin wants to know who would invite him anywhere. Calvin says no one invites a tiger because you can't get the insurance. Hobbes says someone is inviting him. Calvin shouts for Hobbes to tell him who invited him and to read the invitation. Hobbes figures it's probably some big state dinner. He hopes he can find his cummerbund.

Calvin continues to badger Hobbes about his invitation. He asks what it says and calls Hobbes a dumb hairball. Hobbes tells him he'll read it when he's good and ready. Calvin burns with impatience. Hobbes starts reading his invitation....slowly. Calvin yells at Hobbes to read faster.

Hobbes reads that it's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. Calvin asks if it talks about him, and Hobbes says no. Calvin thinks his invitation must have been sent separately. Susie probably insured it so it wouldn't get lost. Those invitations take longer to arrive. Calvin figures he'll have to sign for his invitation when it comes. Hobbes notices something on the back of the invitation. Susie wrote that Hobbes can bring "that stupid kid you hang around, if you must".

Hobbes celebrates being able to go to the birthday party. Calvin calls Susie stupid. Hobbes talks about the balloons, cake and presents. Calvin says Susie won't be getting a big present from him. Hobbes figures they'll play games, too. With a smile on his face, Hobbes suggests they might play "spin the bottle". Calvin yells for him to "get real".

Hobbes is making out a list of gifts they could give Susie. Calvin suggests a mouth full of broken teeth. Hobbes thinks a can of tuna fish would be better. Calvin wonders why she'd want that. Hobbes figures maybe she wouldn't want it, they could offer to take it back, get some mayo and bread...

Calvin and Hobbes are playing checkers. Hobbes makes some jumps and wins the game. Calvin pitches a fit. He says he hates it when Hobbes wins, he hates the game, he hates the world. Calvin goes on to accuse Hobbes of cheating, and says he didn't want to play in the first place. Around and around he goes, yelling the whole time, until he flops down to the ground panting. Hobbes reminds him it's just a game. Calvin says he knows and that Hobbes should see him when he loses in real life.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking to Susie's party. Calvin has a gift in his hands. As they approach her home, Calvin says this is their last chance to not show up and have a new bike horn.

Susie opens the door, and Calvin hands her the gift. She thanks them for coming and they step inside. She notices Hobbes is wearing a tie. She picks him up and hugs him. Grudgingly, Calvin tells Hobbes that he was right about girls flipping for ties and that he can stop winking at him.

Susie has a scavenger hunt at her party. Off go Calvin and Hobbes for the first item, an old license plate. Calvin remembers seeing one on their way over to Susie's. He pulls out his Swiss army knife and starts to remove the plate from a car. Hobbes wonders if this game is legal.

Susie hands Calvin a paper plate for his piece of birthday cake. Calvin whispers to Hobbes that he hopes the cake is something good and not gross like coconut. Hobbes tells him not to worry, the cake is chocolate. Calvin asks if he saw the cake. Susie yells that someone cut a piece out already, and that she didn't even get to blow out the candles. Hobbes whispers that it's nice and moist, too.

Susie thanks Calvin and Hobbes for coming to her party and for her gift. Calvin and Hobbes are walking home, and Calvin stops. He digs into his pocket while something puddles up on the ground. He says Mom may not want the piece of cake and ice cream they're bringing her.

Calvin, wearing sunglasses, and Hobbes are dancing to the music. They're swinging to the beat. Mom sits up in bed and says that he's playing classical music at 78 rpm, or she's dreaming. Dad says first thing in the morning, he's calling the orphanage.

Calvin complains that Dad says the report card shows not enough time is spent on homework. From now on, the time from dinner to bedtime is homework time. Calvin says that's unfair. He thinks if he finishes it faster than that, he shouldn't have to stay in his room. Hobbes is sitting at the desk writing Calvin's homework. Hobbes asks if he can help it if he's so fast.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he can have some clay. Calvin says to help himself, and that the stuff is impossible to work with. Calvin says he has a pretty good bowl or something going. He says it started out as a Phantom jet, but got squashed. So now, he thinks it's a bowl. As he says he's proud of it, Hobbes works his clay into a tiger reaching out. Hobbes says Calvin's bowl is very good.

Calvin and Hobbes are pushing a big snowball. Calvin says this will be the biggest snowman ever. He says people will come from miles to see their snowman. Hobbes can't push the snowball anymore, so Calvin tells him to leave it there. Hobbes says he's exhausted. Calvin tells him he can't stop now, they need nine more. The snowball they've been pushing has been only one of the snowman's toes. As Hobbes walks off, we see Calvin has been stuffed into the snowball and has his head poking out the top of the snowball.

Hobbes carefully makes a snowball and throws it. Calvin swings his bat and hits the snowball. PIFF! Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to call that a single or give this up.

Mom puts Hobbes in the clothes dryer. Calvin waits while the dryer runs. Finally, the bell rings and Calvin opens the dryer. Hobbes is all frizzy. Calvin tells him he's a fright. Hobbes asks for Calvin to tell his Mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.

Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He points out his fingers and toes, which are all wrinkled. Calvin thinks it's neat. Hobbes imagines a news heading "Big pink raisin discovered in tub, boy's whereabouts unknown". Calvin shrieks and starts climbing out of the tub.

Calvin comes up behind Mom and tells her for the next 60 seconds, he will conduct a test of his emergency broadcast equipment. He then yells at the top of his lungs. Mom jumps up from her chair. Calvin concludes his test. He says if this had been a real emergency, he would have screamed lots more times. As he sits on his bed with a scowl on his face, Calvin tells Hobbes that when the house caves in, she'll thank him.

Calvin is standing at the bus stop with his hair slicked down. Hobbes asks what the deal is with his hair. Calvin says Mom made him take the Crisco out of his hair. Now he says he looks like a moron. Hobbes agrees. Calvin tells him to do something and not just stand there. Hobbes makes points out of the sides of Calvin's hair. Calvin wants to know if it's new wave and asks if it's cool.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's sure he's fixed his hair so it looks okay. Hobbes says it looks great. Calvin doesn't believe him. Hobbes tells him to trust him and that he looks like "Astro Boy". Calvin is happy with that and now can't wait to get his picture taken.

Calvin has his school pictures and shows them to Hobbes. Hobbes starts laughing at Calvin and his hair. He says the pictures are great. Calvin agrees. Hobbes rolls onto his back laughing and points out one picture with a funny expression. Calvin says he got one of his eyes to roll back on that one. As Hobbes wipes tears of laughter from his eyes, he points out that Mom is going to go into conniptions. Calvin says think of the memories the pictures will bring years from now.

Dad carries Calvin up the stairs saying he's had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since Calvin won't stop it, it's off to bed. Dad tells him to let him know if he wants to be serious. Calvin winks at Hobbes as Dad leaves. When Dad closes the door, Calvin yells out that there's a tiger in the room.

Hobbes peeks out the window, sneaks behind a potted plant, hides under the chair, and finally races toward the door. Calvin comes in the door and is immediately pounced upon by Hobbes. As Hobbes sits on Calvin's back, he tells Calvin that after seven boring hours of school, he figured Calvin would appreciate one moment of pure, abject terror. Calvin wants Hobbes to let him get his bat to show his thanks.

Calvin finds a little raccoon on the ground. It's hurt and is barely breathing. Hobbes suggests not touching him. Calvin decides to go tell Mom. Hobbes hopes she can help. Calvin tells him you don't get to be a Mom if you can't fix everything just right.

Calvin and Mom come back to the raccoon. Mom isn't sure they can save him. She sends Calvin for a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Calvin runs off, and Mom sits next to Hobbes. She says she doesn't think the raccoon will make it. She hates when things like this happen. She then realizes she's talking to Hobbes and says you can tell she's upset when she starts talking to him.

Mom puts the raccoon in the box. She tells Calvin all they can do is keep him warm and safe. She tells him they'll put him in the garage and out some food and water. Calvin mentions he read that raccoons will eat almost anything. He says chances are he'll be happy to donate most of his dinner. Mom tells him he doesn't even know what they're having.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking at the raccoon. Hobbes asks if he's eaten anything, and Calvin replies no. They continue to look at the raccoon. Calvin tells the raccoon not to die. He says it wouldn't be grateful of the raccoon to break his heart.

Hobbes can't sleep. Calvin can't either, from worrying about the raccoon. Hobbes hopes the raccoon lives. Calvin does, too. Hobbes says that he thinks animals are always so cute.

Calvin has an instant camera and takes a picture of Hobbes. He has Hobbes make faces and odd poses as he takes the pictures. They laugh as they see the developed pictures. Calvin takes the pictures to Dad, who wonders why all the pictures are of Hobbes. Calvin says they're a scream. He'd like ten bucks for another roll of film.

Calvin shows Hobbes where Dad buried the raccoon. Calvin says he didn't even know the raccoon existed a few days ago, now he's gone forever. He says it's like he met the raccoon for no reason. As soon as he said hello, he had to say good-bye. As Calvin sniffles, he says that in a sad, awful, terrible way, he is glad he met the raccoon. As they walk over the hill, Calvin says "What a stupid world".

Lying in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't figure out that dying stuff. He wonders why the raccoon had to die, it hadn't done anything wrong. It was so little, what was the point of putting him here and taking him so soon? Both of them crawl under the bed. He says it's either mean or arbitrary, and either way he's got the heebie-jeebies. Hobbes wonders why they always discuss those type of things at night.

Walking in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom said death is as natural as life and is part of the life cycle. He says Mom told him people don't really understand it, but there are many things people don't understand. They just have to do the best they can with the knowledge they have. As they start to walk away, Calvin says he guesses that makes sense. He then hugs Hobbes and says "but don't YOU go anywhere". Hobbes tells him not to worry.

As they continue their walk in the woods, Calvin asks what happened to the trees. They've been cleared out. Calvin says there used to be lots of animals in the woods, now there is just a mud pit. Hobbes reads a sign saying that area will become the Shady Acres condominiums. As Hobbes looks around, the only shade he sees is from a bulldozer.

Calvin wants to know where the animals are going to live since they've cut down the woods. Calvin wonders what people would think if animals bulldozed a suburb and put in trees. Calvin and Hobbes both look up. Hobbes checks the bulldozer, but the keys weren't left in it.

Calvin notes the woods took a hundred years to grow, but was cut down in a week. He states that after the houses are built, roads will be widened, and gas stations will be built. The whole area will be just a big strip. Eventually, there won't be a nice spot anywhere. Calvin wonders if you can refuse to inherit a world. Hobbes thinks once you're born, it's too late.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the sofa watching television. Calvin thinks there is nothing better for spending weekends. Dad tells him he's been watching television all day and needs to get out and do something. He says kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air, have fun, and get some exercise. Dad closes the door on them. They walk over to Susie's house. Calvin asks if she's watching TV and wonders if they can come in. Susie says they can, but to hurry. There's a commercial on.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see his transmogrifier. Calvin says he just got it, which is a cardboard box sitting upside down. He explains you just step in, set the dials, then turn into whatever you want. Hobbes is amazed at what they can do with corrugated cardboard these days.

Calvin shows Hobbes that you can set the transmogrifier dial to whatever you want. He explains that the machine restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel, a baboon, a giant bug, or a dinosaur. The arrow on the side of the box can point to those choices. Hobbes wonders what happens if you want to be something else. Calvin explains he left some room, so you can just write it on the side.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to be transmogrified. Hobbes thinks being a tiger is his area of expertise. Calvin tells him not to worry, the change is painless and instantaneous. Calvin tells Hobbes to just think, he could be a 500-story tall gastropod, a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Hobbes rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. He wonders how he can refuse. Calvin tells him that if he doesn't want to be that, to pick something else. Calvin doesn't care.

Calvin is impatient with Hobbes. He says he'll go into the transmogrifier first. Hobbes wants to know what the point is to changing yourself into something else. Calvin tells him to think of the knowledge gained. Hobbes comments on what horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. From inside the box, Calvin tells Hobbes to set it to "lungfish", then changes his mind to "musk ox", no wait...

Hobbes asks what Calvin is going to transmogrify into. Calvin thinks maybe a tiger. Hobbes thinks that's a great idea, because the world can always use another tiger. Hobbes sets the control and ZAP! Hobbes asks if it worked. Calvin says that he's hot and wonders how Hobbes can stand to have all that fur.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he's a tiger now. He replies yes. Hobbes lifts the box. He looks down on a Calvin-sized version of himself, complete with furry cheeks. Hobbes states that words fail him. Calvin says he's disappointed, too. He reminds Hobbes that transmogrification is a new technology.

Hobbes asks Calvin what it's like to be a tiger. Calvin replies that it's kinda fuzzy, but not much different. They look at each other and Hobbes asks what Calvin wants to talk about. Calvin asks if they eat soon.

Calvin decides he wasn't meant to be a tiger, so he is going to change back. He has Hobbes set the switch to turn him back to "Calvin" and ZAP! As Hobbes says "OOPS!", Calvin comes out from the box looking like a frog. He tells Hobbes to "try again, lunkhead".

Calvin comes out from his box looking himself. Hobbes compliments him on how well his machine works. They're trying to decide what to do with it next. As Susie walks by, Calvin says he could turn her into a bowl of chowder if he could just get her into the machine. Susie will have no part of it, though. She tells Calvin to leave her out of his life's plans.

Hobbes is talking to Calvin. He asks for clarification that Miss Wormwood didn't know he had ripped his pants, so she called on him to go to the board. Calvin says that's right, and Hobbes asks what he did. Calvin says he didn't have a choice, so he mooned the whole class. Hobbes asks if that's why he's home early. Calvin says that three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.

Calvin tells Hobbes he had a substitute teacher at school. Hobbes asks if he liked her, and Calvin says he guesses so. Hobbes wonders why he "guesses". Calvin says it's hard to tell, since she went home at noon.

Calvin is talking to Hobbes in bed. He tells Hobbes he has a scheme to get them some money. Calvin shows Hobbes some corn kernels he stole off his dinner plate. Hobbes wonders how that will get them some money. Calvin explains that he's going to stick them under his pillow. He figures the tooth fairy won't know they're fakes until it's too late.

Mom puts Calvin to bed and asks if he washed his face and brushed his teeth. Calvin replies that both he and Hobbes did. After Mom leaves, Calvin and Hobbes start fighting about which side of the bed each one should be on. Calvin calls Hobbes "fuzz-for-brains". Calvin hits Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes jumps up and pounces on Calvin, who ends up in Hobbes' mouth. Calvin says Hobbes wins. Calvin makes a face and says he wishes Hobbes had brushed his teeth. Hobbes makes a face and says he wishes Calvin had washed his face.

Calvin tells Hobbes he needs to give a five minute oral report in school on Thursday. Calvin explains they're supposed to research the subject, write it up, and present it to the class with a visual aid. Hobbes says that's a big assignment. Calvin says he hates his teacher. He says she knows they'll all do it the last night, but she gave them three days to worry about it.

Hobbes asks the subject of Calvin's report. Calvin replies "the brain". Hobbes asks what Calvin knows about brains. Calvin tells him he saw a movie where a guy's brain was kept alive in a tank of water. A power surge mutated the brain, and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. Hobbes says that's informative. Calvin laments that unfortunately for his report, Mom caught him and he didn't get to see how it ended.

Calvin tells Hobbes he has to give his report on "the brain" at school. He shows Hobbes his visual aid. He cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. As Calvin walks out the door, Hobbes asks if he has written his report yet. Calvin tells him that he borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary and will write it on the bus.

Hobbes is eating something out of a bag. Calvin is pretending to kick and punch Hobbes. Calvin pretends to shoot at Hobbes. He pretends to explode a bomb next to Hobbes. Finally, he lies on the floor begging Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he should have saved some of his own Halloween candy.

Hobbes is sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin comes in and wants to change the channel. Hobbes tells him his show isn't over yet. Calvin replies that he always watches that program. He wonders if they can't watch Calvin's show instead. Hobbes tells him no, and to quiet down. Calvin storms off grousing about how he hates National Geographic animal specials.

Mom yells for Calvin to get ready for bed. Calvin slowly heads for bed. He says he's trapped in slow motion. Mom tells him he better get into normal speed...NOW! Suddenly, Calvin has a time snap, and off to bed he runs.

Calvin stalks past Hobbes with his arms out and face contorted. Hobbes looks at him strangely. Hobbes makes a face and hold his arms out. Calvin continues on. Hobbes follows him thinking "When in Rome...".

Calvin and Hobbes look at each other with their twisted faces and arms raised. They start giggling at each other, then break out into laughter. Calvin clarifies that real zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other.

Calvin is coming down the hill on his skateboard. Hobbes is looking at a plank set up against a rock that Calvin is using for a ramp. As Calvin reaches the plank, Hobbes jumps up on the far end. Calvin goes sailing off into the air.

Calvin ties himself up and Hobbes takes off running. Calvin is trying to fly like a kite. He crashes to the ground. Calvin thinks they need a bit more wind. Again he tries. Again he crashes. Hobbes suggests Calvin might be too heavy. Calvin wonders what he can do to make himself lighter. Mom answers a phone call from Mrs. Carroll. There is a naked kid tied to a stuffed tiger is running through her yard.

Calvin sits at his desk at home with a school book. Hobbes is looking at him. Calvin complains that he has to read the whole book by tomorrow. Calvin flips through all the pages of the book and declares it's good to get that out of the way. He hops down to look for his frisbee and go play. Hobbes says that reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension.

Hobbes is in the tree fort when Calvin yells up to have Hobbes toss down the rope ladder. Hobbes asks Calvin for the password. Calvin proclaims tigers are mean and fierce, with claws that pierce. Tigers are great and can't be beat. As Hobbes asks Calvin to keep going with the third verse, Calvin explains that since Hobbes can climb up the tree without the ladder, he got to make up the password.

Hobbes has Calvin by the hands and is swing him around and around. Calvin tells him to let go. Calvin ends up smashed into a tree. Hobbes asks if he's sure there is a career to be made as a "human discus". Calvin thinks they have to get a bigger field.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin tells Hobbes that he tripped a kid yesterday and he fell in the mud. Calvin says it was hilarious. Hobbes then trips Calvin into a mud puddle. Hobbes isn't sure. He thinks that kind of humor is so broad. Calvin asks for Hobbes' hand, saying he didn't do it right.

Calvin and Hobbes come to a big puddle. They jump in and splash around. They laugh and splash some more. As they walk off, Calvin notes that his underwear is soaked. It's going to itch and ride up his rear all afternoon. He says it was worth it. Hobbes says that's why he never wears the stuff.

Calvin is trying to comb his hair. Some of the hair in the back sticks out. Hobbes tells him maybe he needs a haircut. Calvin agrees, but says barbers never cut it the way he wants. Hobbes decides to cut Calvin's hair for him. Hobbes is hoping Mom will give him eight bucks for doing it.

Hobbes asks Calvin how he wants the hair cut in the back. Calvin tells him, but Hobbes wonders if he wouldn't rather have it real short. Calvin says no, but Hobbes insists the hair would look good real short. Calvin asks if Hobbes is trying to tell him something. Hobbes replies no, but that he thinks it should be real short....especially right there.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he made a mistake. Hobbes says no, he can cover it up. Calvin wants to know what he's covering up. Hobbes says he can't help it if Calvin's head has funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Calvin yells that Hobbes' head is going to have funny bumps if he doesn't tell him what he did. Hobbes replies "oops". Now, Calvin wants to know why Hobbes said "oops". Hobbes decides to try parting the hair from ear to ear.

Calvin threatens Hobbes that the haircut better look good. Hobbes tells him it looks kind of "new wave". Hobbes further explains that it's sort of "punk". Calvin wonders if that means a mohawk. Hobbes says it looks sort of like a mohawk in some places. Calvin wants a mirror. Hobbes tells him that hats are all the rage this year.

Calvin looks in the mirror and is horrified. All his hair is chopped down. He says it looks like it was cut with a weed-eater. Hobbes thinks it's nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Calvin runs away, calling Hobbes a menace. Calvin figures Mom will blow her blood vessels if she sees his hair like that. He wonders what to do. Hobbes puts a bandanna on Calvin's head. He thinks it gives Calvin the "Lawrence of Arabia" look. Calvin thinks it gives him the "lobotomy patient" look.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking along when Calvin tells him that Mom said there was nothing that could be done except to wait until the hair grows out. Some barber Hobbes is. Calvin says that meanwhile, he has to walk around like he has mange. He hopes Hobbes is happy. Hobbes gets an angry expression and says he's not happy. He says that Calvin stiffed him and owes him eight bucks for the haircut. Hobbes is smiling as Calvin chases him after his remark.

Hobbes tells Calvin he didn't mean to give him a bad haircut. Calvin says that doesn't do him any good, but Hobbes says he can make it up to him. Hobbes has a yellow magic marker. Hobbes tells him he'll just draw on some hair. As he does, he says it's starting to look better already.

Hobbes tells Calvin that his hair doesn't stick up like it used to, but at least his head's yellow again. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes for getting so mad at him. He thanks Hobbes and calls him a life saver. Calvin proudly walks off to show Mom his colored head. Calvin is in the bath tub with his head lathered up. Hobbes wonders if it will come off. Calvin tells him to keep his brainy ideas to himself from now on.

Calvin is sitting at his desk writing. He writes "Calvin the Genius". Then, he adds the word "Super" before "Genius". Hobbes asks if that's how he signs his reports. Calvin replies that it kind of inclines you to read it more charitably, don't you think?

Calvin is in his wagon at the top of the hill. He tells Hobbes they should go down the hill and into the future. Hobbes asks how they'll do that. Calvin says that it's easy. All they have to do is go real fast and they'll time warp. Down they go, faster and faster. Hobbes wonders what the future will look like. Calvin thinks flying cars and cities on clouds. He tells Hobbes to think of the weird things they can tell people they saw. They reach the bottom of the hill, but neither of them felt any time warp. Calvin notices that it's two minutes later than when they started, so they did go into the future. Hobbes looks around and says things haven't improved, and that he's disappointed.

Calvin walks in the door yelling that he's home. Hobbes pounces on him. They wrestle around on the floor. Calvin asks Hobbes why he does that. Hobbes replies that natural exuberance is one of the qualities that makes tigers so endearing.

Calvin yells that he's home as he dives to the floor. Hobbes flies over Calvin and out the front door. As Hobbes crashes outside, he yells that he fooled Hobbes. As he walks off thinking Hobbes is a stupid tiger, Hobbes comes leaping back in the front door. Hobbes is thinking his elapsed time for a turnaround is point eight seconds as he nears Calvin's back.

Calvin yells that he's home as he waves his hand into the house. Nothing happens. He peeks in and says "Hello?". Nothing happens. He tiptoes into the house calling Hobbes' name. Hobbes' paws are on the edge of the front door. He's been standing behind it all along. He begins a mental countdown to pounce on the unsuspecting Calvin.

Calvin peeks in the front door and says he's home. He steps in the house and says he's home in a louder voice. He walks through the house yelling that he's home. Hobbes is sitting in bed, reading a comic book. Calvin yells "WELL??". Hobbes replies "So you're home".

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin asks Hobbes to make a prediction. Hobbes asks why, and Calvin replies so they can see if he has ESP. Hobbes thinks and says that Calvin will find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Calvin looks behind himself and sees a mud hole. He tells Hobbes to stay away from him. With a smile on his face, Hobbes comes closer with his paws out. He says it's going to come true, he can feel it.

Calvin, wearing a cape, says "This is a job for..." and starts to pull his cape around himself. It gets stuck. Then it trips him, and he crashes to the floor. Hobbes asks "for...?". Calvin, completely wrapped up in his cape, says "someone else".

Calvin wakes up during the night and has to go to the bathroom. He knows the monsters will get him when he sets foot on the floor. Hobbes suggests putting a pillow on the floor as a decoy, then slipping out while the monsters eat the pillow. Calvin puts the pillow down and says coming out of bed, all fat and squishy. Feathers fly up as Hobbes tells him to look at the feathers fly. He tells Calvin he better hurry. Calvin hides under the blanket and says he's decided to stay and wet the bed. It's okay with Calvin if Hobbes doesn't want to stay.

Calvin tells Hobbes not to put the croquet wickets so far apart. Hobbes says that's the way they're supposed to be. Calvin calls him a cheater. Hobbes asks who took the lucky red ball when Hobbes wasn't looking. Calvin tells him he got to choose first. Hobbes replies that he always takes the lucky red ball. Calvin calls Hobbes a poop head and sticks his tongue out. Hobbes yells that Calvin is a potty mouth. Calvin comes at Hobbes saying he's looking at a toothless mouth. They start fighting as they continue to insult one another. Hobbes is called a walking flea condo. Hobbes tells Calvin to play in the food processor. Mom yells for them to come in, since it's getting dark. Calvin says they're right in the middle of a croquet game.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the sandbox. Calvin makes a town. Hobbes is using a steam shovel to dig a hole. Calvin takes a bulldozer and pushes thousands of barrels of nuclear toxic waste into the hole. Over the years, those deadly poisons seep into underground waterways. Calvin says the cancer rate in the nearby town triples. Hobbes, holding his stomach, walks off and tells Calvin if he wants him he'll be under the bed.

Calvin is arguing a strike call with Hobbes, the pitcher. Calvin says the pitch was four feet over his head. Hobbes replies it was a perfect pitch, but that Calvin is too short. Calvin calls Hobbes stupid and kicks dirt at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin ugly and kicks dirt at Calvin. They each kick up a big cloud of dirt. Calvin says kicking dust is the only part of the game they really like.

Hobbes tells Calvin that it's funny to tie someone's shoes together when he isn't looking. Calvin thinks that's funny and wonders what sucker they can pull it on. As Calvin starts to walk, he trips. Hobbes says "Well, well". Calvin chases Hobbes while hopping after him with his shoes tied together.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree in the woods. Calvin says he loves summer vacation. He tells Hobbes he feels his brain starting to atrophy already.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's found a magic carpet. Hobbes wonders what's so magical about it. Calvin tells him you can fly them. Hobbes asks if that isn't the rug from the hallway. The rug rises up while Hobbes wants to know if this is legal and whether Calvin has a registration and insurance.

Calvin says he's never been on a magic carpet before. He tells the rug to fly up to 10,000 feet and off it zooms. Calvin thinks this is better than having Mom drive them around. He wants to go to the mall and hang out. Hobbes asks if there are complimentary bags of nuts on the flight.

Calvin decides to fly into the city to buzz Dad's office. Calvin figures he'll be surprised to see them out his 20th floor office window. Hobbes thinks he might be mad they took the hallway rug. Calvin says they wiped their feet first. Hobbes wonders if all the city mileage will hurt its resale value.

They approach Dad's building. Calvin isn't sure which office is Dad's, so they have to fly past each one. Calvin sees Dad at his desk. Calvin tries to get Dad's attention. Hobbes regrets not thinking to bring any rocks.

Calvin continues to yell to get Dad's attention, but he doesn't look up. Hobbes figures he must be busy. Calvin says they can't wait all day and decides to leave. Hobbes says they could have given him a ride home if he had noticed them. Calvin says Dad can ride the smelly old bus if he can't look out his window once in a while.

Calvin tells Hobbes there is a monstrous horsefly on his head. He smacks him with the fly swatter. As the fly goes away, Calvin asks if Hobbes can believe he missed it. Calvin is up on a tree branch telling Hobbes he can scratch a welt next time. Hobbes waves a fly swatter at Calvin and tells him there's a mosquito on him.

Hobbes tells Calvin that he's heard girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice, while boys are made of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails. Calvin asks what tigers are made of. Hobbes tells him dragonflies, katydids, but mostly chewed-up little kids. Calvin doesn't think that's very funny.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he has any money. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks how they can get some. They think for a little bit, then Calvin asks who Hobbes knows that they can sue.

Calvin is sitting on the pier fishing. He's complaining that it's too boring. He sees fish in the water, but they're not biting. He's not going to sit there all day waiting for them to get hungry. He and Hobbes grab a huge rock. He figures he and Hobbes can throw the rock into the water and blast the fish out. Then, they can just pick the fish up. They heave the rock into the pond. WHOOSH! A huge water splash drenches Calvin and Hobbes on the pier. Calvin tells Hobbes that it was a bad idea, but that he got wet too. Hobbes grabs Calvin to toss him into the water. Hobbes says the idea was good, but they didn't throw a big enough object into the water.

Calvin puts his hands together and asks if he could....please. He tries saying please with doe eyes. He's standing in front of a mirror. Hobbes tells him that giving Mom "Bambi eyes" isn't going to get her to give him a flamethrower. Calvin thinks sniffling a bit might help, also.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Hobbes says it's a perfect day. They lie there looking around. After a bit, Calvin tells Hobbes that if something doesn't happen soon, he's going to wack out.

Calvin points out a firefly to Hobbes. Calvin clenches his teeth and bends forward. He looks at his rear end. Hobbes tells him his rear wasn't lit, if that's what he was wondering. Calvin says he can't even tell what muscle to flex.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see an antelope. They race over to where Calvin is playing. He tells Hobbes she's coming down the ladder to her boyfriend's car. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's not laughing. With arms crossed, Hobbes tells Calvin it's not funny.

Hobbes tells Calvin that tomorrow is Independence Day. He explains that everyone is created equal and is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Calvin wants to know when Paul Revere rides through town giving them their presents.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying in bed. Calvin is sleeping. Hobbes looks over and touches Calvin on the head, saying "Tag". Calvin tells Hobbes the game is over and calls him tuna brain.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the key to happiness. He suggests money, power, or fame. Calvin says he's choose money. With that, he could buy power and fame and have it all. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. Hobbes supposes that's one way to define it. Calvin goes on to say the part he'd like best is crushing people who get in his way.

Calvin shows Hobbes a patch of newly poured cement. Hobbes asks if anyone is watching. He mentions they could write their initials in the cement, make a hand print, or something. Calvin likes the "or something" part. They walk off looking for a water hose. Hobbes didn't think it would set up so fast. They both have cement hanging from their rear ends.

Hobbes thinks he saw a tentacle under the bed. Monsters. Calvin turns on the light to shrivel up the monsters. Calvin suggests opening the doors to the closet and drawers to get the monsters there. As they pull open the dresser drawers, Calvin says no monsters are going to get them tonight. He tells them to wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature. Dad opens the bedroom door and asks what's going on. Calvin tells him monsters could be anywhere. Dad yells for Calvin to get back in bed or he'll have something other than monsters to worry about. After he leaves, Calvin suggests that what they need is a way to make Dad shrivel up.

Susie again asks Calvin if she can join their water fight. She has her own water pistol at home. Calvin says it's alright, but she'll have to fight against both Calvin and Hobbes. Susie happily runs off saying she can beat him and his stuffed tiger any day. Calvin tells Hobbes that Susie is going to join them. Hobbes is wearing a pair of trunks and thinks girls flip for guys in Jams.

Susie comes over with her water gun. She sees Hobbes and thinks he's cute wearing his Jams. She gives him a squeeze. Calvin tells her to quit it and to go around the house to count till 50. Then, they'll start. Calvin scolds Hobbes for his Jams. He reminds him they're at war. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, tells Calvin he's just jealous. Hobbes says Susie is a babe.

Calvin lays out the strategy to Hobbes. They'll split up with one of them going around the house in each direction. Calvin will draw Susie's fire, then Hobbes will sneak up from behind and hit her with a water balloon. Susie sneaks around the house, finding Hobbes sitting there with a water balloon. She thanks him for the water balloon and for being a great double agent.

Calvin charges Susie, squirting her with his water pistol. He stops when he notices she has Hobbes' water balloon. BLOOSH! Calvin gets smacked with the balloon. A dripping Calvin promises Hobbes he'll hang for this and calls him a traitor. Hobbes defends himself by declaring he's easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit.

Calvin continues to complain to Hobbes, who is standing with arms crossed and a stern look on his face. Calvin says his best friend betrayed him, and he got soaked with his teammate's own water balloon. Calvin calls him a Benedict Arnold. Hobbes says he'd do it again. Susie likes his Jams. Calvin tells him not to talk to him. Hobbes sticks his tongue out at Calvin and says "Promises, promises". Susie walks over to Calvin, who is lying on the ground with Hobbes lying on top of him. Calvin tells Susie to get the traitor off of him, and that he cheats when he fights, too.

Calvin sees a can on the ground. He complains that if people aren't burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons, they're throwing trash everywhere. Hobbes declares that there are times when it's a source of personal pride not to be human. They walk along, then Calvin takes his clothes off. They continue to walk as Calvin says "I'm with you".

Calvin is telling Hobbes the long summer days are great. There are no responsibilities, and they have the whole day to themselves. He asks Hobbes if he wishes it could be like that all year, no school, no job, no anything. Hobbes looks at Calvin with a smile on his face. As Hobbes skips merrily away, Calvin yells to him "Just gloat about it, why don't you".

Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Calvin says sleeping with the fan on is one of the best things about summer. The gentle breeze blowing, the droning hum, everything's safe and serene when the fan is on. He says it's cool and lulling and perfect for sleep. He then leans over to Hobbes and says that it's almost enough to forget he has a heavy fur coat for a bunkmate. Hobbes tells him that if he doesn't like it, there's plenty of room on the floor.

Calvin asks Hobbes to put him on his shoulders so he can climb into a tree. Hobbes asks how many bricks he has in his pockets. Calvin tells him to hold steady. Hobbes tells him to hurry up before his spine telescopes. Calvin is hanging from a branch. He asks Hobbes to help hold him up. Hobbes takes off Calvin's shoes and starts tickling him. Calvin falls from the tree. He lands on Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he's paralyzed. Calvin replies that he's not sorry at all and to give his shoes back.

As they ride down the hill in the wagon, Calvin can't believe how dull his life is. Nothing ever changes. As they fly into the air after the wagon crashes into the stream, Calvin says everybody but him gets to have an exciting life. Hobbes shakes water out of his ear and says he'd like a little less excitement in his. Calvin accuses Hobbes of doing fun things when he's not around.

Calvin is dressed like an Indian, armed with bow and arrow. Hobbes has an arrow hit right next to him. He walks over to Calvin, who shrugs his shoulders innocently. Hobbes sticks Calvin up high on the side of the house with the arrow.

Calvin tells Hobbes it's a perfect day. He's on summer vacation and can enjoy the day with no school or responsibilities. He and Hobbes sniff the air. Then, Calvin complains there is nothing on TV but repeats.

Calvin stops and says he thinks a bee landed on his back. Calvin asks Hobbes to look, since he doesn't want to move. Hobbes tells him it's not a bee. Calvin wipes his brow as Hobbes says that's a hornet if he ever saw one. Just then, it stings Calvin and he jumps into the air in pain. He then chases Hobbes.

As Calvin and Hobbes go down the hill in the wagon, Calvin asks Hobbes what three wishes he would make. Hobbes says that would be a tough decision. He figures he'd have to think about it a little while. The wagon flies off the hill, Calvin and Hobbes flying into the air. Hobbes says he knows what his first wish would be.

Hobbes hits the ball, and Calvin chases him to tag him out. Hobbes runs off the basepath. He keeps running through the woods. Calvin chases him saying he can't run anywhere he wants. Calvin continues to chase Hobbes and yells that he'd have been out if they had a first baseman. Hobbes replies that they don't and sticks his tongue out at Calvin. Finally, Calvin catches Hobbes and tackles him in a big cloud of dust. Hobbes gets up and says he's still up to bat. He says two-man baseball is a real sport. Calvin says it's a real sport for idiots. He says the next time he'll tag Hobbes out with a bat instead of the ball.

Calvin cheerily tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad are taking them camping. He says they'll live in a tent, go fishing and canoeing. He thinks that will be fun. He goes on to say there'll be no TV, no radio. They'll be living off the land. Then he stops and decides this sounds suspiciously like one of Dad's plots to build his character.

Calvin is sitting in the back seat of the car. He says it's going to be a fun vacation. He can't wait to get there. There will be a whole week of fishing, swimming, hiking, and canoeing. Mom sits angrily in the front seat saying there will be a week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of coffee. Calvin asks if Mom likes camping. Dad says Mom was up a little too late last night packing.

As the family rows their canoe, Dad points out the island they'll be camping at. Dad happily tells about the fresh air, clean water and plenty of exercise. BOOM! Rain comes pouring down. Dad tells Mom that she's backpedaling. Mom says they're turning around and finding a hotel.

Calvin is glad Dad got the tents set up. He is getting out of his wet clothes. He tells Hobbes it's too bad he can't put on dry clothes. Hobbes arches his back while Calvin yells for him not to do that in the tent. Hobbes shakes the water from his coat, resoaking Calvin.

Hobbes asks if it's still raining. Calvin tells him it's been raining for days. Hobbes says they'll need a vacation after this vacation. Calvin can't believe Dad went out fishing. Hobbes says he's a fanatic. Calvin thinks it may be because they're out of packaged food. He worries they'll starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. Hobbes says that after all that Spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. Calvin tells him that if he ever gets home, he'll never go outside again. Dad is just pulling the boat onto the shore saying Calvin is lucky because Dad never got to do this stuff when he was a kid. Then he yells to Calvin to see if he wants to learn how to gut a fish.

Calvin is swimming in the lake as rain continues to fall. Hobbes is on shore in a raincoat. He asks Calvin how the water is. Calvin tells his it's freezing. He has Hobbes hand him a towel. He wrings it out, then starts to dry himself as the rain continues to fall. As they walk back in the rain, Calvin says this is the dumbest vacation he's ever been on.

Dad is packing up the gear to leave. He says it's been a rotten week, and he's had enough. The rain stops, and the sun shines through the clouds. Dad slaps himself in the forehead. Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows what the words Dad said meant. Hobbes doesn't, but he wrote them down so they can look them up when they get home.

Calvin yells up to Hobbes in the tree fort to let down the rope ladder. Hobbes insists Calvin give the rest of the password. Calvin thinks five verses extolling tigers is enough. Hobbes won't do it. Calvin starts calling him names, and Hobbes tells him he'll have to start over with the password if he continues. So Calvin goes through verse six. Hobbes tells him he's not doing the dance.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Calvin says the end of summer is always hard on him, cramming in all the goofing off he's been meaning to do.

Calvin is jumping rope. He goes faster and faster. Hobbes comes up behind him with a stick in his hands. He puts the stick in the way of Calvin's jump rope and he gets all tangled up.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's never going to get married. Hobbes thinks he would, if the right person came along. Hobbes is looking for someone with green eyes, a nice laugh, and that he can call "pooty pie". Either that or "bitsy pookums". Calvin thinks that would affect his stomach more than his heart.

Calvin wants to know if Hobbes wants to go time traveling with him. He has built a time machine. It's a box with "time machine" written on the side. Hobbes says it looks like his transmogrifier. Calvin says it does "to the inattentive, brainless layman". He points out that you crawl in the bottom of the transmogrifier, whereas you crawl in the top of the time machine.

Hobbes asks whether they're going to the past or the future. Calvin weighs the choices. If he goes to the past, he can ace some history tests at school. If they go to the future, they can swipe something to bring back. They'll claim they invented it and be rich. Off to the future they go. Calvin figures he can hire someone to take his tests when he's rich.

Calvin tells Hobbes to put on his goggles, and they'll be ready to go. Hobbes wants to know why he needs goggles. Calvin explains time travel is not like driving down the street. There are vortexes and light speeds to contend with. Anything could go wrong. Of course they need goggles. Hobbes tries to get out by saying his goggles are in the bedroom. He tells Calvin to leave without him if he isn't back in a couple minutes. Calvin tells him to sit down. He has Hobbes' goggles.

Calvin pushes the button and off they go. Up, up and away. They approach light speed. Hobbes has to go to the bathroom. Now? Calvin can't believe it. He tells Hobbes they're in hyperspace. Is Hobbes crazy?

Hobbes wonders what year in the future they'll land. Calvin thinks it will be around the turn of the century. Hobbes hopes the earth is still around then, he's gotten attached to it. Calvin says if it isn't, he's going back to the present to see if Dad will give him his college tuition early in cash.

They're coming in for a landing. They look around. So this is the future. It looks like they're on a tropical beach. Hobbes pictured more buildings. Calvin guesses they may have landed in an arboretum.

Calvin and Hobbes are lost in the woods. If Hobbes had known they'd get lost, he'd have brought a coloring book. Calvin thinks they should forage for shelter. They'll be modern Robinson Crusoes. Hobbes says they can be rugged explorers. Calvin notes they'll be free from the constraints of civilization. Hobbes looks over and notices their back yard. Mom tells Calvin she doesn't care how long he'll be gone, she's only packing one sandwich. Calvin asks if they have any rifles.

Calvin climbs out of his time machine. They're going to look around. They'll probably run into a robot or something. Hobbes picks up something egg-shaped. Calvin thinks it's some type of transportation pod. Hobbes can't figure out how to get in it. Calvin notices there are no numbers or doors on it. As Calvin ponders the peculiar item, Hobbes asks if Calvin has ever seen a tree this color. He's looking at what appears to be a giant leg.

Calvin admits the future looks a bit different from what he expected. Hobbes says the breeze is hot and muggy. He thought they'd have figured out a way to control weather by now. Calvin says the air stinks, too. Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever felt like he's being monitored. Hobbes adds "or that you're about to do a double-take". Behind them is the face of a dinosaur looking at them.

They see a huge brachiosaur standing behind them. Off they run to the time machine. Calvin suggests they must have gone backward in time instead of forward. Hobbes asks if it was the dinosaur that tipped him off. They jump into the time machine, and Calvin tells Hobbes to face the other way to they go forward in time instead of backward. Hobbes asks Calvin if the reason they went back in time was because they were facing the wrong way. Calvin shouts back that he doesn't have a Triple-A map. He suggests maybe Hobbes would like to steer.

They're now flying forward in time. Calvin sees they're approaching the present. He asks if Hobbes wants to go forward in time like they planned, or did he want to stop. Hobbes has had enough time traveling. He opts for home. Calvin tries to convince Hobbes to go a little into the future to see what Calvin is like as a teenager. Hobbes doesn't want any part of that.

Mom is gardening when Calvin comes over and tells her he and Hobbes went time traveling to the Jurassic period today. She asks what it was like. Calvin tells her it was scary, and they almost got eaten by a dinosaur. Calvin admits they were trying to go to the future, but made a mistake. Mom is glad he made it back. Hobbes is surprised that didn't faze Mom at all. Calvin reminds him that she didn't take the frogs in the toilet.

Calvin has construction paper feather hanging off him. He tells Hobbes he's going to fly. Hobbes asks Calvin that if paper feathers were all that were needed, wouldn't they have heard about it before now. Calvin tells him it takes an uncommon mind to think of these things. Hobbes agrees with that. They come to a gorge. Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to jump off. Calvin tells him he'll need momentum, so he wants Hobbes to throw him off the edge. Hobbes tells Calvin he assumes no responsibility for this. Calvin isn't worried, he gets the patent. Hobbes heaves Calvin into the air. Calvin yells that he's flying. But down he falls into the gorge. Hobbes yells down for "Orville" not to sell the bike shop. Calvin tells him to shut up and to get him some antiseptic.

Calvin is in his room, which is all messed up. He's complaining to Hobbes that Mom wants him to clean his room. He feels that's the last straw. He decides to secede. Hobbes isn't sure he can do that. Calvin doesn't know why not. He never asked to join the group. He wasn't even consulted. He says the only reason Mom and Dad are his parents is because he was born to them. Hobbes thinks this may be a biological conspiracy.

Calvin says they can live anywhere they want since they're seceding from the family. Calvin wonders where to go, Antarctica, the Sahara. Hobbes reminds him they can't get to those places. They don't have a car. Calvin decides to try a magic act with Dad. All he needs is an American Express card and Dad's eyes to be closed.

Calvin finishes packing. They're ready to go. Hobbes asks if Calvin has a map. Calvin looks for one and asks Mom if they have a road map of the Yukon. She doubts it. Finally, Calvin and Hobbes look at a globe. They find the Yukon. Hobbes finds the United States and comments on how close they are. He figures the trip will take no time at all.

Calvin says so long to Mom. He says it's been nice living there, but not real nice. They're off to the Yukon. Calvin has his space helmet on and is dragging his sled. Calvin and Hobbes are walking along. Mom yells for Calvin. Calvin stops, saying "leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye". She walks up and tells him they're heading southeast. North is the other way. Calvin says that he knew that.

Hobbes complains the sled is heavy. He thought they'd ride it most of the way to the Yukon. Calvin tells Hobbes they've only been walking twenty minutes. He doesn't think they'll get to northern Canada until that afternoon. They decide to take a break. Calvin pulls out Captain Nitro. Hobbes wants a sandwich. Calvin tells him they only have one apiece. He thinks they should save them in case they can't catch a walrus.

Since they're taking a break, Calvin decides to record their progress in the log. They've traveled twenty minutes, but no snow yet. Hobbes adds that food supplies are low. Calvin writes morale is high as they push north. Hobbes says his morale would be higher if Calvin carried the toboggan. Calvin says he's the leader of the expedition. Hobbes wants to take a turn as leader. Calvin says he can't, because Calvin has the commander hat. Hobbes tells him he can remedy that. They have a big fight. Hobbes ends up with the helmet. Calvin demands the hat back, but Hobbes says he's the captain now. He makes the commands. He then immediately decrees double rations for officers to aid their decision-making capabilities. Calvin yells the last sandwich is his.

Calvin refuses to be led by Hobbes. He accuses Hobbes of having stolen his captain helmet. Hobbes agrees Calvin gave it to him under extreme duress. Calvin says if Hobbes were littler than him, he'd pound Hobbes. Hobbes holds Calvin's head at arm's length and taunts him that Mom said he had a weird disease that would cause him to get smaller as he got older. Calvin yells that isn't true. Hobbes continues to say he's seen a contract from the circus side show Mom has. Calvin covers his ears and says he's not listening. He starts singing the Star-Spangled Banner.

Calvin says if he can't lead, he won't go at all. He tells Hobbes to go to the Yukon alone. As captain, Hobbes fires Calvin. Calvin says he's going home. Hobbes reminds him that he seceded from his family. He doesn't have a home. Horrified, Calvin stops. He hits his forehead and says his life needs a rewind/erase button. Hobbes adds that it needs a volume control also.

Dad comes back in around midnight. He has Hobbes in his hand. Dad says he found Hobbes with the toboggan. Mom thanks him and says Calvin will be so happy. Dad says Calvin better be, or tomorrow he'll leave him in the woods. Mom tucks Hobbes into bed with Calvin so he will see him first thing in the morning. Calvin is snuggled into bed, and Mom calls him a little angel. Dad says that's only at night.

Calvin awakens to find Hobbes. They say how glad they are to see each other. Calvin asks if Hobbes got scared in the woods at night. Hobbes denies that and says he got bored, so he came back. Calvin runs in to show Mom that Hobbes came back. She tells him that Dad found him last night and brought him in. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says "Is that so". Mom says yes and suggests he go thank Dad right now.

Susie comes over with Mr. Bun to play house. She and Calvin can be the parents, Mr. Bun and Hobbes the children. Calvin doesn't like that idea. He tells Susie he's not going to drop his big plans with Hobbes so he can play with a stuffed rabbit. Susie angrily says she doesn't know why he always plays with his tiger and never with her and Mr. Bun. She says he's just mean. Calvin dismisses Susie by telling her to go play in a microwave. Calvin tells Hobbes girls are like slugs. They probably serve a purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

Hobbes asks Calvin where he's going with the toy telephone. Calvin tells him he's going out into the woods. Hobbes asks what he's going to do. Calvin replies that he's going to try some bird calls. Hobbes wraps the phone around Calvin.

Calvin tells Hobbes that since Mom and Dad are going to the movie, they're on their own. Hobbes asks if they can watch TV. Calvin figures what Mom and Dad don't know won't hurt them. Calvin suggests that after Mom and Dad leave, they get in the other car and learn to drive. Hobbes wants to beep the horn. Hobbes looks out the window and sees a teenager coming up the drive. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified. He can't understand why Mom and Dad wouldn't trust him. He decides to hide.

Mom leaves and tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs. Dad hopes he's not too much trouble tonight. Rosalyn tells them not to worry. She brought a cattle prod this time. Calvin starts climbing out the window. Hobbes tells him Mom and Dad laughed, so it might have been a joke. Calvin isn't taking chances. He thinks Mom and Dad may think scorching little kids is fun. He keeps going down.

Rosalyn knocks on the bedroom door. She tells Calvin they can make some popcorn. She looks in and sees the sheets tied together going out the window. She looks out the window and sees Calvin. She yells for him to come back inside. Calvin yells back that if she wants him, she'll have to catch him. Calvin says she's wearing cleats and takes off running with Hobbes.

Rosalyn catches Calvin and herds him back to the house. She tells him no more monkey business. She tells him it's her job to watch him, and she's going to do it even if she has to tie him to a chair. She asks if he gets it. Calvin clicks his heels, sticks his arm out in salute, and says "Jawohl, mein Fuehrer". She grabs him by the collar and asks if he'd care to repeat that last comment. He tells her he said he wasn't going anywhere.

Calvin comes home and is attacked by Hobbes. They fight for some time. Finally, they're both exhausted. As Calvin walks by Mom, she asks what happened to him if he didn't get in a fight at school. Calvin replies that sometimes, he wishes he had a gerbil.

Calvin asks if he and Hobbes can rent a VCR and a tape. Mom doesn't think so, it's a school night. Calvin asks if he could if the tape was educational. When Mom asks what tape that would be, Calvin replies "Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained". Up in his bed, Calvin complains that now Mom won't even let them into the store. Hobbes thinks they would learn a lot by watching that movie.

Calvin is playing with a toy truck. He yells that no one better be sneaking up on him. Then, WHUMP! Hobbes lands on Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin it's hard to change direction in mid-air. Calvin threatens that he's going to change a lot more than his direction.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the woods. The twigs snap and crack under their feet. A breeze blows up and churns some leaves. They shuffle and crunch their way through the leaves. Calvin says it's sometimes good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.

Hobbes tells Calvin he looks down in the dumps. Calvin explains that Moe keeps knocking him down for no reason. Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad he's an animal. Animals sometimes make more sense than people do. Hobbes adds that they're cuter, too.

Calvin asks Hobbes to come to school with him and show Moe a little fang. Calvin doesn't want Hobbes to kill him, just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. Calvin decides they should do it at recess. He asks Hobbes if he has rabies. Hobbes indignantly says no. Calvin is disappointed, but he figures Moe would have to at least get a tetanus shot.

Susie asks Calvin why he brought his stuffed tiger to school. Calvin tells her Hobbes is going to give Moe a "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Susie asks how that will happen. Calvin says she probably doesn't want to know if she has an aversion to descriptions of carnage. Susie tells him that talking with him is the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience.

Moe comes up to Calvin in the playground and notices the "teddy bear". Calvin corrects him about it being a tiger and calls Moe a brainless invertebrate. Moe says maybe he'd like to play with the "teddy". Calvin says that's a good idea. He tells him Hobbes plays rough, but he's lots of fun. He invites Moe to take Hobbes. Moe, suspecting something, looks around for a teacher. He asks if this is a trick. He says he's not touching his "teddy". Calvin dares him. He calls Moe a chicken. Moe leaves. Calvin tells Hobbes that he scared him away. He hugs Hobbes. Hobbes angrily yells to Moe to come call him a "bear" again.

As Calvin enters his house, Mom tells him she called his teacher to put a stop to Moe's bullying. Calvin tells her she wasted her time. He tells her that when Moe saw Hobbes, he almost lost his lunch. Calvin figures Moe will leave him alone now. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. Mom says "and what lucky moms those other kids have". Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'll loan Calvin a buck, he'll buy him a comic book.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin is complaining that you can't enjoy autumn Sundays because you have to go to school the next day. The leaves changing color remind him that summer is over and school has begun. Hobbes likes this season best of all. He says the leaves are like nature's fireworks. As he continues saying how he likes the brisk air and the early evenings, he notices Calvin is fuming. He stops talking, and they walk along silently. Finally, Hobbes looks at the trees and describes the fireworks sounds. Calvin angrily reaches for some apples on the ground and tells Hobbes he didn't mention fresh applesauce. Does he like it?

Calvin sees Hobbes sleeping on the floor. He brings over some cookies and waves them under Hobbes' nose. Hobbes starts mumbling in his sleep about having a truck full of cookies backed up for him. Calvin says he likes to mess with Hobbes' dreams.

Calvin and Hobbes are out in the rain. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks it's getting colder. Hobbes says not really. They sit a while longer. Calvin doesn't think it's going to change. Hobbes agrees. The rain continues to pour down. Calvin says they should go in. They were sitting on the sled and toboggan at the top of the hill.

Calvin is counterfeiting money. He says it's really hard because of all the little lines on the bill. Hobbes asks if he thinks anyone will fall for the forgery. Calvin thinks everyone will. Hobbes looks over Calvin's shoulder. He says ol' George has the gout, he sees. Calvin angrily yells that he said it was hard.

Calvin stirs his cereal. He looks a the bowl. He stirs it some more. He tells Hobbes he won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.

Calvin and Hobbes are bouncing around on the bed. Calvin is cheering that it's Saturday. He turns on the TV for cartoons, only to find a test pattern. Hobbes looks at the TV Guide, which says cartoons don't start until 6:30. Calvin says that's 45 minutes away, so he decides to race Hobbes up and down the stairs. Mom and Dad are awake in bed. Mom wonders why he can't get up like that on school days. Dad suggests she go break his little legs.

Mom tells Calvin to sleep tight and not let the bedbugs bite. After she leaves, Calvin wonders if that means they have vermin in the house. Hobbes says the mattress is moving. It must be a bedbug. Calvin sees giant bug legs. He runs for some bug spray and tells Hobbes to keep the monster bug trapped in the bed. Hobbes is on top of the folded over mattress. He tells Calvin to get his foot locker for more weight. Mom and Dad are wondering what's going on upstairs. Mom suggests it sounds like Calvin's moving furniture. Calvin starts using the bug spray. The spray doesn't kill it. Hobbes hears Dad coming and suggests Dad can kill the bug. As Dad enters the messed room with bug spray wafting everywhere, Calvin tells him it went under the bed. He tells Dad to get a fly swatter. Dad replies that he'll tell Calvin who's going to be swatted.

Calvin is telling Hobbes that Grandpa says comics were a lot funnier years ago when they used to print them bigger. He says comics now are just Xeroxed talking heads because there's no space to tell a decent story or show action. He says people should write to their newspapers and complain. Hobbes says Grandpa takes his funnies pretty seriously. Calvin says Mom is looking into nursing homes.

Calvin tells Hobbes that a TV star made over twenty million dollars last year. He asks Hobbes what he'd do with that much money. Hobbes says he doesn't know. He thinks it's ridiculous anyone makes that kind of money. Calvin says let's say you only made fifteen million. Hobbes goes for eighteen.

Calvin tells Hobbes a joke he made up. A man is going for a walk. He gets his dog, and the guy says "Heel". The dog looks up and says "It takes one to know one, Buster". Calvin laughs, Hobbes doesn't. Calvin asks if Hobbes gets it. Calvin wonders what tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway. Hobbes wants to know how the dog learned to talk.

Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. He stands there while Calvin races past him toward a touchdown. Calvin stops and yells to Hobbes. He is ten yards from the goal line. He wonders if Hobbes is going to try to catch him. He taunts that he could crawl on his hands and knees to make a touchdown, and Hobbes couldn't catch him from where he's standing. Suddenly, Calvin looks horrified. He turns to run for a touchdown. Hobbes crashes into Calvin and tackles him. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to keep trying for the last two yards, or if he just wants to give Hobbes the ball now. Calvin, smashed into the ground, calls a ten year time out to grow some more.

Hobbes is poised, ready to pounce. Calvin comes in the door saying he's home. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that he heard tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs. Calvin says he heard their brains are like big bowls of tapioca.

Hobbes tells Calvin to quit hogging the bed. Calvin is way over on Hobbes' side. Calvin says tough beans. Hobbes looks angry. He tells Calvin to think about geysers, waterfalls, water flowing, splashing, rushing. Calvin has to head off to the bathroom. He complains that Hobbes really fights mean.

Hobbes is lying on his back sleeping. Calvin leaps into the air to pounce on Hobbes. Hobbes wakes up, bears his fangs and claws as Calvin descends. Calvin tries to pull back. He walks off all torn up and says he keeps forgetting that five of Hobbes' six ends are pointy when he lies like that.

Calvin opens his drawer wondering what to wear that day. Suddenly, the clothes fly out of the drawer and attack him. They hold his arms and grab his feet. Striped shirt, plaid jacket, polka dot shirt. Calvin says he won't go out with those clothes on. The clothes lift his legs and make him walk. As Calvin walks past, Mom asks if Calvin has gone color-blind. Calvin says he doesn't want to hear about it.

Calvin tells Hobbes that since September, it's gotten colder and colder. He's also noticed there is less daylight. He says that can only mean one thing. The sun is going out! In a few more months, the earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Hobbes doesn't feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad said the sun wasn't going out. He said it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking them further from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. Calvin laments that some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to live his last few months any differently since the sun is going out. Calvin tells him he's always believed in living each day as if it were his last, so he has no regrets. Calvin thinks that is inspiring. Hobbes says it would be if he were someone else. As Calvin sits reading comic books and eating cookies, he asks Hobbes to pass the issue of Captain Napalm.

Calvin says his teacher told him the same as Dad did, the sun isn't going out. It's just getting colder because winter's coming. Dad was right all along. Calvin tells Hobbes to imagine ol' Dad knowing something like that.

Calvin is going to be the next Houdini. He asks Hobbes to tie him to the chair. Calvin tells him to tie the knots tighter and to tie his feet. Hobbes asks to see him get out of that. The great Calvini can escape from anything. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes asks if he should tell Mom he's tied up at the moment. Calvin grunts that he'll be out in no time. He can't even move.

Mom yells that Calvin's dinner is getting cold. He says he'll be there in a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants him to untie him. No, Calvin wants to escape. He's going to rock a little to loosen the ropes. He says no ropes can hold him. He falls over in the chair. Hobbes says it's a good thing he's doing that here before trying it under water.

Calvin gives up. He tells Hobbes to untie him since he can't escape. Hobbes is trying to figure out the knots. Calvin tells him to hurry up. Hobbes pulls the rope. Calvin hollers that Hobbes tightened it. Mom gives Calvin a last call for dinner. Hobbes goes to look for Calvin's Cub Scout manual.

Hobbes is reading the manual. He says he always wanted to be a Scout, but hated the meetings. Calvin tells him to read the knots section. Hobbes notices the motto. Calvin tells him "Live for revenge" is going to be his motto if Hobbes doesn't get him out of there. Hobbes gives Calvin a quiz on what to do for a second-degree burn. Calvin yells for him not to flip through the book, but to untie him. Hobbes is indignant. He thinks someone in Calvin's predicament should treat him with more respect.

Calvin threatens Hobbes some more. Hobbes reminds "Mr. Houdini" he got himself into that mess. Calvin says Mom will kill him for not being at dinner. Hobbes sees the section on Morse code. Calvin says he's sorry and asks Hobbes to untie him. Hobbes tells Calvin how to say "banana" in Morse code. Mom and Dad hear noises upstairs. Dad says it sound like a chair thumping around the room. Mom says his dinner is stone cold. She hopes he's happy.

Dad comes up the stairs, angry at Calvin for missing dinner. Calvin is tied up on the chair. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes tied him up. Dad tells him not to tell lies and asks how he tied himself up. Calvin repeats that Hobbes did it and was going to hold him for ransom. After Dad leaves, Calvin rubs his sore rear end. Hobbes tells him he's glad Dad saw through his lie. And who would pay ransom for Calvin, anyway?

Hobbes is curled up, sleeping contentedly. Calvin comes up to him. He scratches Hobbes' back, rubs his tummy, then scratches his back some more. Hobbes lets out a contented sound and gets a big smile on his face. Calvin figures that ought to get him out of a few years in purgatory.

Calvin dances back and forth. He asks Hobbes whether there is anything yet. Hobbes looks out the window and tells him there isn't one snowflake.

Calvin is writing to Santa Claus. He tells Santa he didn't get several things from his list last year. For Santa's convenience, Calvin has grouped those items together on page 12. Calvin asks Santa to please check them carefully and include them with the rest of this year's loot. While Hobbes reads the note, Calvin tells him that Santa's gotten sloppy without competition.

Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa thing bothers him, especially the judge and jury bit. Calvin wants assurances Santa is impartial. He wonders what criteria Santa uses to determine good and bad. He asks about extenuating circumstances. He suggests kids should have legal counsel. Hobbes asks if he's worried about the salamander incident. Calvin quickly cries that was temporary insanity.

Calvin questions what Santa does when you've been both good and bad. He wonders what if a kid tried to do good, but bad things kept happening. What if a kid just had terrible luck and got blamed for things he only sort of did on purpose. Hobbes wants to know who they're talking about. Calvin says this is just a hypothetical case.

Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa Claus thing makes no sense. Calvin doesn't get the mystery, the secrecy. If Santa exists, why doesn't he show himself and prove it. If Santa doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this. Hobbes doesn't know, but asks if this isn't a religious holiday. Calvin admits it is, but he says he has the same questions about God.

Calvin questions whether he'll get any presents since he doubted the existence of Santa Claus. Calvin is concerned Santa might be putting his name on a "bad" list right now. Hobbes offers that if Calvin wasn't on the "bad" list all along, doubting Santa's existence wouldn't push him over. Calvin sarcastically thanks Hobbes for the comfort. Hobbes pleads that this is why he's on the "bad" list...insults.

Calvin decides to believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. Hobbes asks what convinced him. Calvin replies that it was a simple risk analysis. Calvin wants lots of presents. Calvin thinks it he shouldn't risk getting them over a matter of belief. He'll believe whatever they want. Hobbes comments on how cynically enterprising that is of Calvin. Calvin says "It's the spirit of Christmas".

Calvin whispers to Hobbes in bed asking if he's awake. Hobbes is. Calvin hasn't heard Santa yet. He wonders if he's coming. Hobbes notes it's only 11:00. They may be later in the route. They hear a thump. Hobbes says it's Santa. He tells Calvin Santa is saying something. Dad is jumping around holding his foot, cussing in his pain. Mom tells him to be quiet or Calvin will hear him.

Calvin and Hobbes tiptoe down the stairs. They look into the living room. They start cheering that they got presents, that Santa came. Dad grumbles about it not being morning already. Mom sleepily looks at the alarm clock and says that, technically, it was.

Calvin wants Dad to read a bedtime story he wrote. The title is "The Dad Who Lived To Regret Being Mean To His Kid". It's written in poem form. Barney's Dad was bad, and Barney hatched a plan. Dad said "Eat your peas". Barney said "No" and ran. Barney tricked his Dad into the cellar. He wasn't found by Barney's Mom, because Barney didn't tell her. Dad had to spend his life eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years, he was sorry he'd been cruel. Calvin suggests to Dad that many stories have morals. Dad angrily tells Calvin he gets it.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the true meaning of happiness. Calvin asks if it's money, cars, and women. Or is it just money and cars? Hobbes walks away.

Calvin looks at the small amount of snow on the ground. He complains it isn't an inch of snow. He asks what good less than an inch of snow is. Hobbes says that it's pretty. Calvin laments "Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness".

Calvin is building a snow fortress. He says it will be the strongest ever. He tells Hobbes to keep packing in on. The fort will be indestructible. He suggests pouring water over it so it freezes overnight. Their fort will be there until July. The next morning, Dad opens the garage door to back the car out and notices a wall of frozen snow running all across the yard, running right across the driveway. He yells "Where's that kid?!".

Calvin is smacked on the back of his head with a snowball. He falls into the snow. He looks around for who the attacker was, but sees no one. He goes into the house. Hobbes is lying on the sofa, reading a comic book. Calvin walks by, snowball on head, and says he's glad Hobbes is inside. Hobbes sheepishly looks up and thinks it's handy to not have boots and a coat to take off.

Calvin yells out that his snow fort makes him invulnerable. He boasts how he can launch a barrage and remain safe from retaliation. Suddenly, a snowball smacks into the back of his head. Hobbes is making another snowball as Calvin complains that he was supposed to attack from the other side of the fort.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he made any resolutions for the new year. Calvin replies no. Calvin thinks he's fine as he is. In fact, he wants the world should change to suit him. He goes on to say he doesn't need to make changes, everyone else does. When he asks Hobbes if he made any resolutions, Hobbes replies that he was going to be less offended by human nature, but he thinks he's blown it already.

Calvin and Hobbes are huddled in the wind. Calvin says he hates waiting for the school bus on days like this. Calvin believes blustery days should be spent with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what he'd like to be doing right now. Calvin says that as soon as he graduates, he'll spend every winter that way. Hobbes hopes the bus will come soon. His hot chocolate will get cold.

Calvin asks Hobbes for help on a math problem. Hobbes assigns the answer "x", which means multiply. So Hobbes then takes the numerator and puts it on the other side of the equation. Hobbes comes up with the answer. 3 + 8 = 6. Calvin thinks he must have done all the other problems wrong.

Calvin asks for help on another problem. Hobbes thinks 9 + 4 is tricky and requires calculus and imaginary numbers to solve. Eleventeen and thirty-twelve are a couple examples Hobbes gives. Calvin wonders how he knows this since he never went to school. Hobbes claims that it's instinct. Tigers are born with it.

Calvin tells Mom the wash machine is done. He asks if she is going to put the wash in the dryer. She says she will. Calvin continues to ask if she's going to let it sit in the wash machine. Mom yells that she's busy right now. Calvin goes over to Hobbes, who is in the wash machine. Calvin tells him that Mom is busy. Hobbes hopes the next time she takes a bath, there aren't any towels.

Calvin hides behind a tree and throws a snowball at Susie. It hits her in the back of the head. Calvin gloats over having hit her. Susie complains that it knocked her eyeball out. She tells Calvin to find it, so they can pack it in snow and save it. Calvin apologizes. He didn't know eyeballs could come out. He wants to see her eye socket. He's looking in the snow and asks if she knows where it rolled. Susie kicks Calvin into the snow. She had been faking all along. Hobbes comes by to see Calvin face down in the snow. He asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells him his eyeball fell out and wants Hobbes to help him look for it.

Calvin shows Uncle Max his room. Calvin mentions he doesn't know where Max is sleeping, but it isn't here. Max understands. Calvin shows Hobbes to Max and warns him not to get too close. Max agrees and says he can tell Hobbes is a fierce one. Calvin tells him Hobbes has mandibles of death. Max adds that Hobbes has a killer's eye, you can tell. He goes downstairs. Calvin thinks Uncle Max is pretty sharp. He finds it hard to believe Max is related to Dad.

Calvin comes in from the snow. Mom fixed him some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. She tells him to wrap up with a blanket and to take the food in front of the fireplace. She brings Hobbes and some comic books. After Mom leaves, Calvin notices she even put marshmallows in the hot chocolate. He says "nobody knows how to pamper like a Mom". Hobbes wants to know if Calvin is going to eat all those peanut butter crackers himself, or what.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor playing checkers. Dad asks if he's just going to sit inside all day. Dad tells Calvin he should go outside to play and to get some fresh air. Calvin and Hobbes get bundled up, go outside, and sit on the ground playing checkers.

Hobbes is playing Monopoly with Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin he can't just take money from the bank. Calvin explains that Hobbes has hotels on all his properties, so Calvin can't afford to pay him. Calvin is robbing a bank. Hobbes tells him he can't do that. Calvin replies he's the banker, and he's not going to risk his life for a couple thousand dollars. Hobbes shows the rules don't say you can rob the bank. Calvin retorts the rules don't show that you can't. He tells Hobbes to just roll the dice and accept this tragic turn of events. Hobbes says if that's how Calvin's going to play, Hobbes will rob Calvin. Calvin steals the deeds to Boardwalk and Park Place. Hobbes angrily takes all the houses and hotels and puts them on Baltic Avenue, where Calvin landed. Calvin owes Hobbes $250,000. In the other room, Mom comments how cute it is that Calvin plays both sides of the Monopoly board. Dad isn't so sure. He's heard Calvin using words he didn't learn in their household.

Calvin tells Hobbes sparks flew when he did his presentation. Calvin has never seen Susie that mad. He tells Hobbes she accused him of not doing research and making up the whole thing. Hobbes asks if that's what he did. Calvin says he only took a few creative liberties. Hobbes wonders why Mom was called for a few creative liberties.

Calvin and Hobbes are on their toboggan, overlooking Suicide Gulch, ready to hurl themselves at breakneck speed on a sled that hardly steers. They're looking death in the eye. Calvin asks why they do it. Hobbes offers "because we get paid, I hope". Calvin says "because it's there".

Calvin shows Hobbes the latest perfection in technology. Hobbes looks at it and asks "A water pistol". Calvin tells him it's the new, improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you just point at whatever you want to transmogrify. Calvin gives an example of not liking the color of your bedspread and presto, it's an iguana. Hobbes can imagine the myriad of uses of a hand-held iguana maker.

Hobbes asks how the gun knows what to transmogrify things into. Calvin replies "telepathy". The gun reads brain waves and turns the object into whatever you want. Calvin says it took him all morning to invent. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin. He says he's thinking about a big slab or grilled tuna. Calvin yells for him to watch where he's pointing the gun.

Calvin wants to test the transmogrifier gun. He wants Hobbes to think of a pterodactyl. Calvin says he'll terrorize the neighborhood for awhile. Then, Hobbes can change him back into a boy when the National Guard comes. Hobbes doesn't know what a pterodactyl is. Hobbes asks if it's a bug. Calvin tells him it's a big flying dinosaur, but tells him not to shoot if he doesn't know what it is.

Hobbes changes Calvin into a chicken. Calvin yells at Hobbes. He was supposed to change him into a pterodactyl. Calvin, the chicken, asks why he thought of a chicken instead of a pterodactyl. Hobbes says it was because it was almost lunchtime. Calvin continues to badger Hobbes by saying that he's glad Hobbes wasn't hungry for a hot dog.

Calvin, the chicken, gives the gun back to Hobbes and tells him to try again. He says he wants to be a pterodactyl. ZAP! Calvin proudly looks at himself. He says that's more like it. We see Calvin as a minuscule pterodactyl next to Hobbes. Calvin asks when Hobbes turned himself into a 200-foot-tall colossus. Hobbes says he didn't, why?

Now Calvin complains that he's a tiny pterodactyl. Hobbes says big dinosaurs give him the willies. Calvin asks how he's going to terrorize the neighborhood like that. Hobbes accuses him of being cranky today. Calvin grabs the gun and says he'll show Hobbes. ZAP! Hobbes, the duck, says Calvin just made a big mistake.

They bicker with each other. Hobbes grabs the transmogrifier gun and says he'll fix Calvin up right. ZAP! He turns Calvin into a big pig. Outraged, Calvin turns Hobbes into a monkey. Insulted, Hobbes zaps Calvin into a flower. Hobbes gets zapped into being an alligator. ZAP! Calvin is now an aardvark. Much later, they rest. Calvin is an owl, and Hobbes is a purple monster. The owl can't remember who is who. The purple monster tells him he hopes Calvin is the owl, because his Mom is going to have a fit when she sees this.

They agree to change each other back to their original selves. Calvin, the owl, zaps the purple monster back into Hobbes. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin and....click...click...click. Calvin says he's not changing. Hobbes is glad they did him first.

Calvin wonders why it won't work. Hobbes says that since Calvin invented it, he should tell Hobbes. Calvin worries about being stuck as an owl. Hobbes figures they can catch mice in the back yard for Calvin to eat. Calvin wonders what he'll do. Hobbes goes on to say he couldn't eat a mouse raw. He thinks their little feet are real cold going down. Calvin yells for Hobbes to forget about the mice and help him think. Hobbes scratches his head and wonders if a pet store will sell you a mouse if they know you're going to eat it.

Calvin is complaining that he can't be an owl forever. He asks Hobbes how he'll change back with the transmogrifier gun broken. Hobbes suggests he should just accept the predicament. He says it's probably better Calvin is an owl instead of a kid. Calvin shouts and wonders how it could be better. Hobbes tells him he didn't know how to bring it up before, but little boys don't smell so good.

Calvin is worried about going to school as an owl. He covers his head with his wings and says he's doomed. Hobbes asks since when do owls go to school. Calvin thinks and breaks out into a chorus of "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, my oh my, what a wonderful day".

Mom tells Calvin to get up from bed. He's going to be late for school. Calvin says he's not going to school, since he's an owl. Mom disagrees and tells Calvin to get dressed. Calvin sees he's not an owl. He says the transmogrification must be temporary. He's back to being a kid. Hooray! Except that means, he can go to school. Hobbes tells him to keep the shade down when he goes.

The doorbell rings, and Calvin comes down the stairs to get it. He peeks out the window, then turns in horror. He calls for Hobbes to help him close the curtains and prop furniture against the door....it's Rosalyn.

Calvin grabs a box. He and Hobbes crawl in and address the box to Australia. They tell Mom to put them outside by the mailbox. Mom tells him not to be so silly. Mom asks where Rosalyn is, since Calvin was saying she was there. Calvin tells Mom that as far as he knows, she's still on the front porch. Mom yells at Calvin for not even letting her in, as the doorbell rings several times.

Calvin tells Rosalyn that he's on a strict Big Mac diet, doctor's orders. Rosalyn says she better call the doctor. Calvin is worried that Rosalyn will call the doctor and find he's lying. Rosalyn pretends to call the doctor's office and asks about Calvin's dietary needs. Rosalyn tells Calvin the doctor says he should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. Calvin is glad the doctor wasn't angry, but he doesn't know what castor oil is.

Calvin wants to escape. He's been sent to bed before Calvin's normal bedtime. Calvin hatches a plan to have Hobbes moan. When Rosalyn comes in, he'll throw a blanket over her. They'll tie her up and make their escape. Hobbes starts howling. Calvin yells down to Rosalyn that something is wrong with Hobbes. She asks if she should call the vet. Calvin says no, but she should come upstairs and close her eyes.

Calvin is eating his "Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs". He tells Hobbes that as much as he likes the cereal, he enjoys the sludgy milk from adding sugar more. He says he sometimes eats two or three bowls of it. Hobbes tells Calvin he can hear his heart racing from where he stands. Calvin adds that they make that cereal with marshmallow bits, but Mom won't buy it.

Calvin can't get to sleep because the sheets are cold. Calvin bumps into Hobbes, who yells that his feet are like ice. Calvin says his side of the bed is cold, but Hobbes doesn't want his side cold, too. Calvin complains that Hobbes has a fur coat. They fight over the blankets. Hobbes complains that Calvin is letting cold air in. Calvin thinks that serves him right. They fight with each other. Finally, they both lie on top the sheets panting. Hobbes tells Calvin he's getting his side hot and to move over. Calvin tells Hobbes to open the window since he's roasting.

Dad tells Calvin to guess what time it is. He says it's a very special time. Calvin gets enthused and wants to know what time it is. Dad tells him it's his bath time. Sitting in the tub, Calvin tells Hobbes that letters to Dear Abby where kids never write or visit their old parents really crack him up.

Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He says he hates being a kid. Calvin explains that someone is always telling him what to do or what not to do. He tells Hobbes he's lucky he's a tiger. Hobbes says they try to be humble, but it's hard. Calvin wonders if he can grow fangs when his baby teeth fall out.

Calvin gets out of the tub complaining that he's not a tiger. Hobbes tells him that's a common lament. Calvin wants Hobbes to teach him to be a tiger. He has some red sleepers he can wear. Calvin will put a stuffed knee sock on for a tail. Hobbes asks about fur and whiskers. Calvin mentions that he hasn't shaved in six years, so he seems cursed with a thin beard.

Hobbes draws stripes on Calvin. Hobbes says he's looking better. Calvin practices a roar. Hobbes thinks Calvin is missing something tiger-ish, panache. Calvin runs off to get some plastic vampire fangs.

Calvin looks into a mirror and declares himself a tiger. Hobbes reminds him being a tiger is more than having stripes. Hobbes tells him he has to think like a tiger. Calvin hollers that he's hungry and asks what's for dinner. Hobbes doesn't think that was funny and asks Calvin if he wants Hobbes to teach him anything or not.

As they walk in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes to teach him to survive. Calvin gives him a scenario. They're in a tree, and they detect prey. What would they do? Hobbes says it depends on what the prey was. Calvin tells him to pick something. Hobbes says that if it was a box of rigatoni noodles, you'd go put on some water.

Sitting on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he's supposed to be teaching him how to be a tiger. They've been sitting in the tree all day, and Hobbes hasn't shown Calvin how to hunt or anything. Hobbes says it's instinct, which you can't teach. Calvin suggests looking up "tiger" in the encyclopedia. Hobbes hops down and says that since they're going inside, they should fix some soup and sandwiches. Calvin calls Hobbes a disgrace.

The encyclopedia says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. Hobbes tells him he wouldn't believe some of the secrets he knows. Calvin asks what they are. Hobbes won't tell, since they're secrets. Calvin promises not to blab and begs Hobbes to tell him. Hobbes hints they are big secrets, secret secrets, if only Calvin knew.

Calvin doesn't even believe Hobbes has a secret, and Hobbes agrees that he doesn't. Calvin says that Hobbes really does and again begs Hobbes to tell him. Calvin asks why Hobbes won't tell him, and Hobbes says the secret is about him. That just makes things worse as Calvin grabs Hobbes' leg and wails for him to tell the secret. Hobbes says he's said too much already.

Calvin tells Hobbes that if he doesn't tell the secret, Calvin will stop being Hobbes' friend. Hobbes offers a hint, "the flea market". Calvin asks what kind of a hint is that. Then Hobbes asks if Calvin knows how his parents got him. Calvin starts to answer, but stops and asks what Hobbes is saying. Hobbes won't give any more hints.

Calvin doesn't believe Hobbes' secret. He says if all Hobbes' secrets are lies, he can keep them to himself. Hobbes taunts that Calvin just doesn't want to hear how little he went for. Calvin reads in the book that tigers won't share their territory with other tigers. Calvin can see how tigers would get on each others' nerves. Hobbes tells him he cost a nickel.

Calvin decides that since tigers don't share their territory, they had better split up the woods. A big rock separates their two territories. Calvin proclaims that Hobbes is hereby banished from Calvin's side of the rock. Hobbes reaches over the rock and touches the side. He taunts Calvin by saying look what he's doing. Calvin shouts for him to cut that out.

Calvin comes home from school. He knows Hobbes is waiting to pounce on him when he opens the door. He decides to sneak around the back and surprise Hobbes. He enters the house and sees Hobbes waiting. Calvin comes up behind Hobbes and yells that he's home. Hobbes jumps up, startled, eyes bulging. Calvin walks off all scratched up saying he's got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

Calvin brags that his side of the woods abounds with natural scenic splendor. He says Hobbes' side wallows in decay and filth. Again, he proclaims his side superior to Hobbes'. Hobbes rolls the big rock over once and tells Calvin that his side is now smaller. Calvin protests.

Calvin says that he's hungry, but Hobbes says he can't catch anything in his territory. Calvin wonders what tigers eat in the wild. Hobbes tells him big caterpillars. Calvin asks whether tigers really eat them, and Hobbes tells him they eat them by the truckload. Calvin asks to see the book, but Hobbes asks if he's going to believe a silly writer or a real tiger.

Calvin hasn't had much fun being a tiger. He thought they'd romp through the woods like they always do, but the book says tigers don't share their territories with other tigers. So they sit, on opposite sides of a big rock. Calvin says being a tiger isn't all its cracked up to be. Hobbes says Calvin doesn't know the half of it. He tells Calvin that tigers are an endangered species.

Hobbes reads that tigers nearly faced extinction, and their future remains in doubt. Calvin says that's awful, and Hobbes agrees. They both think for a bit. Calvin says he thinks he'll go back to being a kid again. Hobbes says this explains why he doesn't meet many babes.

Calvin steps off the school bus and comes into the house. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on him. Out the door they fly. Calvin ends up on his back, with his feet up on a tree. Hobbes asks if he's glad to see him. Calvin replies he'd love to be a latchkey kid.

Calvin comes to the front door and yells that he's home. WHAM! The front door shakes. Calvin opens the door to see Hobbes holding his head. Calvin informs Hobbes that "you'll notice I didn't say I was inside".

Calvin tells Hobbes that he read cheetahs can run 65 miles an hour. He asks if tigers run that fast. Hobbes replies "of course". Calvin wants to see. Hobbes says he can't do it now. When Calvin asks why not, Hobbes replies he's not wearing his drag chute.

Sitting under a tree, Calvin asks Hobbes why they're here. Hobbes replies that they walked there. Calvin is referring to why they are on earth. Hobbes tells him because earth can support life. Calvin tries to clarify. He wonders why they even exist. Hobbes says because they were born. Calvin gives up and tells Hobbes to forget it.

Calvin says Saturday is the best day of the week. There are no demands, he says. He and Hobbes go to the sofa. The day stretches before him with unlimited opportunity. What better way to appreciate that opportunity than squandering it by watching cartoons all day.

Hobbes is giggling in his sleep. Calvin wakes up and notices Hobbes is dreaming. Hobbes sniffs, and Calvin wonders if Hobbes thinks he's in the jungle. Calvin is prepared to smack Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes crawls out of bed and heads downstairs. Calvin follows him and wonders why they're going to the kitchen. Dad turns on the light and asks if Calvin was sleepwalking. Calvin says he was wide awake, but Hobbes is the dope who's sleepwalking. Dad explains to Mom that he put Calvin back to bed, and he had no reason for being up. Mom notices that he had gotten out all the tuna in the house.

Calvin asks Hobbes to guess the number he's thinking of. It's between one and seven hundred billion. Hobbes guesses eleven. Calvin tells him to guess again. This time he tries six million and four. Wrong again. When Calvin tells him to guess again, Hobbes leaves. Calvin yells after him, "Don't you like games".

Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes destinies are determined by the stars. Hobbes doesn't, but Calvin does. When asked why, Calvin replies that life is more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.

Hobbes is sleeping. As he awakens, he notices his tail twitching. He gets ready to pounce on it. He leaps. Around and around Hobbes goes trying to catch his tail. Exhausted, Hobbes lies on his back. Calvin tells him that despite his display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, his tail still has a death grip on his butt. Head spinning, Hobbes asks Calvin to stop the room, he'd like to get off.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing hide-and-seek. Hobbes counts to ten, while Calvin hides behind a barrel. After some time, Calvin realizes. He goes back into the house to catch Hobbes sitting on the floor reading comic books.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin says sometimes things go by too quickly as they roll down the hill. They're so busy watching where they're going to enjoy where they are as they watch the path of the wagon. They don't notice days going by. It's all a blur as they gain speed down the hill. It often takes a calamity to make them live in the present as they sail off the hill. Then Calvin says they see their mistakes, but it's too late to change anything as the wagon falls off below them. Calvin says "it's like..." as they fall from the sky. Hobbes asks what it's like. Calvin says "it's like something, but he can't think of it".

Calvin is waiting for the school bus. He says he has eleven more years to go, then college, then maybe graduate school. He'll then work until he dies. He complains that he only gets five years to be a kid. When he bemoans not being able to explore, discover, and play, Hobbes points out that he still has afternoons and weekends. Calvin tells him that's when he watches TV.

Calvin got a model airplane and asks Hobbes to help him make it. It's a model of a Phantom jet. Hobbes notices all the small pieces. Calvin gives Hobbes half the pieces. He tells him to put those together, and he'll do the same with his half. Then, they'll stick the two parts together. Hobbes asks if they shouldn't read the instructions. Calvin asks him if he looks like a sissy.

Calvin has the model kit on the floor with newspaper under it. Hobbes notices the instructions are in three languages. Calvin gets some glue on his hands. Hobbes says the instructions start in English, but then go into French and Spanish. Calvin is getting glue all over and says it's worse than mozzarella cheese. Hobbes can't believe the model is for kids six and up. Calvin now has glue on his shoes and both hands. Hobbes says you have to be tri-lingual just to read the instructions. Calvin hopes Mom likes the newspaper on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere.

Calvin breaks one of the wheel struts. He complains the parts are made so small. He figures that piece is optional. Hobbes can't get his wheel in the wheel well of the plane. Calvin tries but breaks that, as well. Hobbes says the plane is in for some rough landings.

Calvin looks at the completed model. It's a mess. He says their plane looks nothing like the picture on the box. Hobbes suggests they can fix it when they paint the model. Calvin says he can't paint that good. He wonders how they painted eyebrows on the pilot less than an inch tall. Hobbes thinks they superimposed a real jet onto a plastic stand.

Calvin hates the model. The parts didn't fit right, the instructions were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and glue got everywhere. He says it was six bucks down the drain. He can't think of an afternoon he's enjoyed less. Then, he figures with all the practice they got on that model, they'll do great on another one. Hobbes suggests a clipper ship with all the riggings.

Calvin's Phantom screams across the sky. He can't see out the canopy, it's all smeared. The throttle snaps off in his hand. Calvin can't land, because the wheels are stuck. He frantically tries to eject, but the cockpit is fused together. His jet is a hopeless mess. He shows his model to Hobbes and says "stupid model".

Calvin and Hobbes are standing by a puddle. Calvin asks Hobbes if he ever wonders if he's a reflection of the person in the puddle. Hobbes notes that he'd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle. Calvin agrees, and he says he hadn't thought of it that way before. Late at night, Calvin still stands next to the puddle with a worried look on his face.

Calvin and Hobbes are wearing cowboy hats shooting at each other. Hobbes tells Calvin he's shot six bullets. Hobbes has him now. Calvin says "zap". Hobbes wonders what that is. Calvin tells him it was his cattle prod.

Hobbes is in the tree fort. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him up. Hobbes says he might be some other kid in disguise. Calvin calls Hobbes a hairball barfer. Hobbes says he can stay down on the ground forever. Calvin sees Susie coming and wants to be let up so they can throw things at her. Calvin apologizes for insulting Hobbes. He wants the rope dropped down. Hobbes tells him he has to say the password. Susie comes up behind him as he's on the seventh verse of the poem password. Susie says she was going to ask him to come over and play house, but she thinks he'd be a weird example for their children. Calvin yells up to Hobbes saying one of these days he'll make Hobbes into a rug.

Calvin, wearing a pith helmet and carrying a shovel, is telling Hobbes about paleontology. He says scientists can tell how old something is by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hobbes touches Calvin's head. He looks at his finger and says Calvin must be six years old. Calvin says Hobbes is a scream.

Calvin says archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. He digs and scrapes for a while. Calvin looks up and says they have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. Hobbes holds up the brush they've been using. He says he doesn't think Dad will want to shave with that in the morning.

Calvin hits something. Hobbes tells him to carefully dig it up. Calvin pulls out something covered in dirt. He wonders what it is. Hobbes tells him to dust it off. Calvin does, and he holds a Coke bottle. Calvin surmises it's some bizarre skull. Hobbes says to look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater.

Calvin can't believe they found a dinosaur skull on their first archeological dig. Hobbes wonders if the rest of the skeleton is nearby. Calvin says that if they find it, they'll be world famous. Calvin thinks the grant money can buy a Porsche. Hobbes thinks his smiling face would look good on the cover of National Geographic.

Calvin is excited to find another bone. He wonders what it is. Hobbes holds up a fork. He thinks it could be a forearm and fingers. Calvin continues digging. He can't wait to see what the complete Calvinosaur looks like. Hobbes notices the bones come in decorator colors.

Calvin looks at all the bones they dug up. He suggests they glue the parts together to see how they fit. Then, they'll draw a reconstruction of the dinosaur. After that, they'll write up their findings and be published in a scientific journal. They'll win the Nobel prize, get rich, and go on talk shows. Hobbes wonders about when they get babes.

Calvin finishes constructing the bones together how he thinks they should be. He asks Hobbes to draw the dinosaur as it really looked, with skin and muscles. Hobbes finishes the picture. Since the "dinosaur" has a Coke bottle for a skull, Hobbes' picture has the mouth open. Calvin wonders if it's whistling. Hobbes isn't sure, it might be puckering up.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't think they found a skeleton at all. Mom says they just dug up some trash someone littered. Calvin says their dinosaur is a fraud. Hobbes laments that it wouldn't be right to sell the skeleton to a museum. Calvin suggests not at full price, anyway.

Calvin runs up to Hobbes in a panic. Hobbes asks what's wrong. With a horrified look on his face, Calvin tells him that Dad told him he could use his binoculars as long as he was extra careful. He broke them by accident. Now, Calvin needs advice. He wonders if he should run away or commit hara-kiri. Hobbes thinks maybe both.

Calvin can't believe he broke Dad's binoculars. He's sure Dad will blow every capillary in his body. After Dad telling him to be very careful, he broke them. Hobbes asks how he broke them. Calvin just dropped them. Hobbes wonders why they broke just from being dropped. Calvin adds that he was tossing them to himself, as he ran down the sidewalk.

Calvin wonders if he can buy a new pair of binoculars before Dad gets home. Hobbes has thirty-five cents, Calvin has four dollars. He calls the store to find out how much a good pair of binoculars costs. Calvin, to his extreme horror, is told one to six hundred dollars. Calvin again worries about what Dad will do to him. Hobbes is sure he won't stop killing him.

Calvin didn't know binoculars cost so much. He says it was Dad's fault for letting him use anything so valuable. Calvin grabs Hobbes and yells to him "What am I gonna to do". Hobbes suggests telling Dad what happened. Calvin would wait until the coronary hits and make his getaway. He thinks that's an idea.

Calvin wonders if they could glue the binoculars back together and Dad not even notice. Hobbes asks whether the casing got chipped a little, or did the lens itself get cracked. Calvin tells him to look at it. He pours out what looks like powder from a box. He tells Hobbes not to sneeze.

Hobbes suggests telling Mom about the binoculars to see if she can help. Calvin tells him no way. Hobbes tells him he has to tell someone. Maybe Mom can think of something. Calvin tells him that at times like this, all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with him.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin scores. Hobbes accuses him of not touching all the bases. Calvin says that he did. Hobbes states Calvin didn't touch seventh base. Calvin points out that he did touch the water barrel after he touched the front porch. Hobbes clarifies that the barrel is twelfth base. Calvin thought the garage door was twelfth base. Hobbes informs him the garage door is twenty-third base. He accuses Calvin of touching all the bases out of order. Plus, he didn't touch the secret base. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes won't tell him, because it's a secret. Calvin can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. Hobbes tags him out and tells Calvin to give him a dollar.

Calvin shows Hobbes his new pair of binoculars Dad bought for him. Dad told Calvin that if he was going to break binoculars, they might as well be his own. Hobbes figures they can go to the beach and look at babes. Calvin wonders if he should break some of Dad's power tools to see if he can get some of those.

Calvin is opening a can. He hears rumbling. Suddenly, Hobbes slams into him and knocks him to the floor. Hobbes looks around rapidly. He says that either he's greatly deceived, or someone opened a can of tuna in the vicinity.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking at the stars. Hobbes says there are millions of them. Calvin says they're just a speck on a planet particle, hurling through the infinite blackness. After looking a bit longer, they run inside. Calvin wants to turn on all the lights.

Hobbes tells Calvin not to move, there's a bee on his back. Calvin tells him to shoo it away. Hobbes doesn't want it coming after him. Calvin asks if he's supposed to stand there all day. Hobbes tells him he doesn't have any choice. Calvin says he could be there forever. Hobbes gets an idea. Calvin yells for him to stay out of his room and not to read his comic books.

Calvin is still standing there complaining that Hobbes is reading his comic books while he's stuck with a bee on his back. Calvin complains Hobbes gets the comics out of order and folds the covers back. He asks what kind of friend would take advantage of a predicament like that. He answers himself by saying a lousy friend would. He calls Hobbes a stinker. Hobbes comes up reading a comic book. He asks Calvin if he's seen how the latest issue of Captain Napalm ended. Calvin yells for him not to tell.

Calvin threatens Hobbes that he'll kill him if he tells him how the Captain Napalm issue ends. He's waited all month to find out. Hobbes starts to give Calvin a hint, but Calvin tells him no hints. Calvin says that if there wasn't a bee on his back, he'd... Hobbes says maybe there is a bee on him, maybe there isn't. Calvin is flustered. Now he doesn't know if he can move or not.

Calvin asks if the bee is still on him or not. Hobbes isn't telling him, since Calvin called him a hairball. Calvin apologizes for calling Hobbes a hairball. He asks if there is a bee. Hobbes tells him no. Calvin moves and OWW! He gets stung. Hobbes tells him that today is opposite day. So Hobbes' no meant yes, there was a bee. Hobbes is in a tree at night. Calvin, armed with a baseball bat, is standing at the bottom of the tree. Hobbes reminds him that opposite day is over at midnight.

Calvin fills a water balloon with an evil grin on his face. He sneaks behind a tree. He sneaks over behind a barrel. He comes up behind the tree Hobbes is sleeping under. Calvin lifts the water balloon, and Hobbes says "As if life isn't short enough" without opening his eyes. Calvin stops, sets the balloon down, an lies down under the tree with a frown on his face.

Calvin tells Hobbes they need an attitude. Calvin goes on to explain you can't be cool if you don't have an attitude. Hobbes is puzzled. Calvin tells him they're all the rage. He wonders what kind of attitude they could have. Hobbes suggests being courteously deferential. Calvin rolls his eyes and sarcastically says "that's real cool".

Calvin announces he's decided to become a fatalist. He explains that all events are preordained and unalterable. Anything bad that happens isn't his fault, but is fate. Hobbes then trips Calvin, causing him to fall to the ground. Hobbes tells Calvin it's too bad he was fated to do that. Calvin yells up that it wasn't fate.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin asks if grown-ups will have the world fixed by the time they hand it over to young people. Hobbes doesn't think so, and Calvin agrees. As the wagon rolls onto the pier, Calvin says it's up to them. As the wagon sails into the air, with Calvin and Hobbes falling into the water, Hobbes says that he's not reassured. Calvin says that when he's president, he'll have things whipped into shape in no time.

Calvin is walking down the sidewalk with a baseball bat in his hand. On he walks, until he comes to a baseball lying on the grass. He picks it up and starts walking back. He hands the ball to Hobbes. Calvin tells him either they have to get a catcher, or Hobbes has to improve his pitching.

Calvin tells Hobbes to get out of the hammock. Hobbes tells him it's not his hammock. Calvin says it's his turn, but Hobbes tells him to wait until he's finished. Calvin tries to climb into the hammock with Hobbes. Hobbes tries fighting him off. Later, Dad is trying to enjoy the hammock, but it's dragging on the ground. He says the crummy hammock always sags.

Calvin is in his swim trunks, slowly getting into the water. Hobbes asks how the water is, and Calvin tells him his feet are completely numb. He says if he goes in a half-inch at a time, he can stand it. He complains his trunks touch the water, stick to him, and get him wet before he's ready. Hobbes wonders why he doesn't just jump in to get it over with. Calvin says the shock would kill him. He thinks it's better to do it a wee bit at a time. Hobbes thinks it's better to do it all at once. Hobbes decides to show Calvin, so he jumps into the water. Calvin yells for him not to. SPLOOSH! Hobbes shivers and thinks Calvin might have been right. Calvin, soaked, says now they'll never know.

Calvin sees Mom and Dad loading duffel bags into the car. They're going on vacation. Calvin is thrilled. He and Hobbes will have the house to themselves. They can stay up late and can eat cookies for dinner. Dad opens the door and asks why Calvin is still in his room. He tells him to go. Calvin wonders what he's talking about. Dad tells him they're all going on vacation. They've been planning it all month. Calvin wonders what kind of vacation will it be if he has to go with Mom and Dad.

As they're paddling a canoe to the campground, Calvin reminds them of last year's vacation. It rained so hard they couldn't make a fire. He says it was one of the worst experiences of his life. Dad replies that it built character. Calvin asks why he can never build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere.

They paddle up to their campground. Calvin and Mom get out so Dad can hand over the gear. As Dad is telling Calvin not to drop the gear he's handing him, down it falls into the water. Calvin tells Dad not to worry. The water is only ten feet deep, and he can see the camera and everything. Dad replies that he's going to feed Calvin to the sea gulls. Mom tells him he came to relax.

Calvin tells Hobbes not to go near Dad, he's a grouch. Calvin can't see why Dad can't be civil just because Calvin dropped a duffel bag overboard and Dad broke his glasses. They walk along a downed tree trunk. Hobbes asks if Calvin told Dad that he left the car lights on back where they picked up the canoe. Calvin thinks Hobbes should tell him.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Hobbes pops the ball straight up. Calvin comes in for the catch. He tells Hobbes this is an easy out. Hobbes just stands there. Calvin asks if he isn't going to run. He doesn't blame Hobbes because he's as good as out. Calvin has his glove ready to make the catch. Hobbes sticks the bat out and taps it away before the ball can fall into Calvin's glove. Calvin complains that Hobbes can't do that. Hobbes takes off running. He claims that's two hits on one pitch, so the run will count double.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking up at the stars. Calvin says that without the street lights or pollution, it looks like you can see forever into space. Suddenly, there is a snap and a crunch from nearby. Calvin and Hobbes jump up. As they run back to the tent, Calvin says "if you've seen one star, you've seen them all".

Mom is reading a book. Calvin comes up to her and starts telling her about Dad painting a picture. He comments on how the picture isn't coming out so hot, and Dad's in a bad mood. Calvin continues telling Mom about how he just asked one question, and Dad nearly bit his head off. He says it isn't his fault his picture is ruined. Mom yells to Calvin that she's trying to read. Calvin walks off telling Hobbes grown-ups get tense when they're recreating.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing tag. Calvin tackles Hobbes so that he's "it". Hobbes says that now he has to try to catch Calvin. Calvin asks if Hobbes doesn't have to go to jail or do push-ups. Hobbes says no, he's just "it". There are no penalties. Calvin asks if he gets free hits. Hobbes angrily says there are no free hits. Calvin thinks just a little one on the arm would be good. Hobbes tells him he doesn't have to be hit at all. Calvin presses for clarification. He asks about an Indian burn or noogies. Hobbes shouts no. He's "it", and that's all that happens. Calvin says okay, but he thinks any game without push-ups, hits, burns, or noogies is a sissy game. Hobbes suggests that Calvin can get hit if he wants.

Calvin complains there is nothing to do at the campsite. Hobbes suggests that's the point. It's good to stop running around. Hobbes says that sometimes you should just look at things and think about things, without doing things. Calvin says Hobbes is certainly the expert at that. Hobbes likes it when you're looking and thinking, then you wake up.

Calvin asks Mom if Hobbes can come in swimming with him. Mom says no, tigers don't swim very well. Hobbes is standing with goggles, a cap, and a life preserver on. He isn't sure Mom knows so much about tigers. Calvin tells him they're just trying to avoid an argument, as he gets ready to bring Hobbes into the water.

Hobbes is lying on the floor sleeping. Calvin comes up to him and says all he does is lie in the sun. Hobbes says he has to. Calvin asks why. Hobbes explains that tigers' tummies are solar cells.

Calvin is playing when Hobbes comes up and asks him if he's hot. Calvin says no, but wonders why he asks. Hobbes goes on to say it seems warm to him. He asks again whether Calvin feels hot. When Calvin again says no, Hobbes asks if he isn't a wee bit, a smidgen hot. Calvin notices Hobbes' hands are behind his back. He asks what he has behind his back. We see Hobbes is holding onto a water balloon.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin gets a single, so he has a ghost runner on first while he goes back to bat. His earlier ghost base runners advance. Hobbes calls them out. He says his ghost outfielder tagged Calvin's ghost runner and threw to the ghost second baseman. Hobbes says Calvin has two outs. Calvin angrily says his ghost runner from first base stole home, and he has another run. Hobbes says his ghost outfielders ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of Calvin's ghost runner. Calvin declares the ghost umpire suspended Hobbes' ghosts for eternity. Hobbes flips his glove off saying if his ghosts don't play, he doesn't play. Calvin declares a forfeit. Hobbes loses. Hobbes says the ghost crowd supports him. He says they're "boo"ing Calvin. Calvin sometime wishes he lived in a neighborhood with more kids.

Dad calls up the stairs for Calvin. They're ready to go to the zoo. Dad hasn't been to the zoo in ages. Mom says Calvin never has been. Mom has been telling Calvin about the zoo trip all week. She says he's so excited. Dad yells up again for Calvin. Calvin and Hobbes are in his room reading comic books. Hobbes asks where they have to go now. Calvin says it beats him. He says Mom and Dad are always dragging them some dumb place.

Calvin runs over to the monkey cage. Mom shows him how monkeys use their tails and feet to climb. She says zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Calvin's eyes get wide and he points at the cage. He says to look what the monkey is doing in public. He laughs, says that's gross, and asks how come he's not allowed to do that. Mom tells Calvin to come look at the birds.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks of the zoo. Hobbes thinks it's kind of depressing. Hobbes feels sorry for the animals. They don't have much room to move, nor anything to do. He says they just sleep until they're fed. Calvin says that's pretty much all Hobbes does. Hobbes tells him he knows what he meant.

Calvin says he followed that lady halfway around the zoo, think it was Mom. He wonders why Mom's don't write their names on their calves so that type thing doesn't happen. He wonders where he is, and he wonders where Hobbes is. Mom sees Hobbes on the zoo bench. She asks where Calvin is. Dad says these little family trips always turn out this way. He plans on spending more Saturdays at the office.

Hobbes sneaks behind a tree, then through some tall grass. He crouches, ready to attack. Calvin is unsuspectingly playing in his sandbox. He's covered in shadow, and he looks up. Hobbes crashes down on him. Hobbes brushes off his arms and says tigers just live for that. Calvin, peeking up from the sand, says that he won't for long.

Mom and Dad look around for Calvin. Mom says they just turned their backs for a minute. Dad wonders why he didn't take Hobbes. Dad tells Mom to stay at the bench in case Calvin returns. He's going to go look for him. Dad complains that being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.

Mom is overjoyed to see Dad with Calvin. She asks where he was. Dad tells her he was looking at the tigers. Calvin explains that he followed another lady, thinking it was Mom. Then, when he realized he was lost, he went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Mom tells him to ask a person for help next time. Dad says that there won't be a next time, because they're going to tie him to a stake in the yard every weekend. Calvin tells Hobbes his compatriots were a fat lot of help.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Calvin asks if Hobbes knows what day it is. Hobbes doesn't, and he wonders why Calvin asked. Calvin replies there was no reason, he was just curious. They start to doze off. Calvin says he sure likes summer vacation.

Calvin starts opening a can. He hears rumbling, realizes what's about to happen, and covers his eyes. Hobbes comes slamming into him. Calvin angrily picks up a chunk and shows Hobbes he was opening a can of pineapple, not tuna. Hobbes tells him all cans sound the same.

Calvin looks jittery as he walks along. He says the problem having a tiger for a friend is that he appears out of nowhere, coming right at you at 90 miles an hour. He looks around, startled. Calvin wipes his brow. He thought he had heard Hobbes. His heart is still pounding. He sees Hobbes on the floor. Mom tells him he hasn't been looking well. She suggests he should go to bed earlier.

Hobbes is lying under a tree. Calvin comes up with a water balloon. He asks Hobbes what he'd do if he got creamed by the water balloon. Hobbes tells him to take the worst thing he can imagine, then imagine something a hundred times worse. Calvin asks if he'd do that. Hobbes tells him he'd do something worse. Calvin hits Hobbes with the balloon and takes off running. Calvin says Hobbes piqued his curiosity.

Calvin and Hobbes line up for a race. When Calvin take a lead, Hobbes holds the back of his shirt. When Hobbes gets a lead, Calvin pulls his tail. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. As they're wrestling with each other, Hobbes finally gets to the finish line. Calvin, lying on Hobbes' back, says ten minutes is their best time yet for the 50-yard dash.

Hobbes asks Calvin what he's doing with all Dad's tools in the bathroom. Calvin tells him the faucet drips, so he's going to fix it. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin is going to fix it. As Calvin prepares to use the wrench, he tells Dr. Doom he can keep his comments to himself.

Calvin says fixing a faucet is easy. All you do is take it apart, see what's leaking, plug it up, and put it back together. Hobbes asks if Mom knows he's doing this. Calvin says no, it's a surprise. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says we all know how she loves surprises. Calvin is having trouble getting the handle off. He asks Hobbes to pass him the hacksaw.

Hobbes asks if you aren't supposed to turn off the water before taking apart a faucet. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that's the problem he's trying to fix. You can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks. Calvin wonders where Hobbes was when they were passing out the brains. Suddenly, water starts spraying from the faucet. Hobbes says he'll get some paper and carbons for Calvin's written apology.

In a panic, Calvin asks Hobbes how to turn off the water. Hobbes doesn't know. Calvin can't put a piece back in with all the water coming out. Hobbes goes to get Mom. Calvin asks if Hobbes has lost his mind. He says Mom can't find out about this. Hobbes believes she'll notice when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Calvin opens the medicine cabinet, looking for cyanide.

Dad yells up the stairs asking what Calvin's doing. He says he's going to the bathroom as the toilet flushes. Dad asks if everything is alright. Calvin says things are fine and not to come up. Hobbes is flushing the toilet while Calvin is up to his waist in water.

Dad hears the water, and he comes into the bathroom. He walks into the spraying water. He sputters about what's going on. He shuts the water off and looks for Calvin, who's hiding behind the shower curtain. Dad tells Calvin it's the end of the world.

Dad asks Calvin what he was doing. Calvin tells him he was looking for dental floss and the handle blew sky high by itself. He changes his story to Hobbes playing around with Dad's tools. Calvin tried to stop Hobbes, but he wouldn't listen. Dad gives Calvin one more try. Calvin tells him big, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto did it and made him swear not to tell.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking outside. Calvin complains that Dad blew his stack and calls Dad a sorehead. Calvin rants that Dad acts like nobody ever needed to call a plumber before. He says Dad has a job and can afford it. He says Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. Hobbes wishes that when Dad does, that Calvin would quit trying to pin his crimes on Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes not to start on him, too.

Calvin tells Mom to give him some cookies or he'll light the fuse and send them all to kingdom come. He has something in his hand. Mom looks at him and sees he tied a string to a hot dog. She tells him not to waste food and takes the hot dog from Calvin. He asks if he can have some cookies. Mom says no. Calvin says he wishes he could get his hands on some real dynamite. Hobbes asks if he can have the hot dog, or did Mom take it.

Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping in a tent in the backyard. They're reading a scary story. The bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glisten. Hobbes hears a noise. Calvin tells him the story is scary enough. SNAP! It must be the bog monster. Hobbes tells Calvin to turn off the flashlight. There is crunching and cracking outside the tent. Calvin says they're doomed. Hobbes says it's getting closer. They hear the tent flap being zipped. It's coming in. They scream, blind the bog monster with the flashlight, pull down the tent ropes, and run for it. Calvin sits on Mom's lap. She asks what he's doing in there, Dad had just gone out to check on him. As Dad yells from outside, Calvin tells Mom the bog monster must have gotten him.

Calvin puts on extra pants, three shirts, two sweaters, two sweatshirts, and another pair of pants. He waddles toward the door. Hobbes asks if he's still trying to learn to ride his bicycle. Calvin says he doesn't need any comments from Hobbes.

Calvin feels one coming. He tells Hobbes to get ready. As he sneezes, Hobbes shoots the picture. Calvin asks if he got it. Hobbes shows him the picture. Calvin has his mouth open, sneezing. Calvin wonders why his school pictures can't look like that.

Calvin is in the toy pool. He tells Hobbes not to get in. Hobbes is roasting. Calvin tells him he'll get hair in the water. Hobbes deliberately rubs some hair into the pool. Calvin yells for him to stop that. Calvin gets out of the pool. Hobbes climbs in. With an evil look on his face, Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks he won. He says he's not even going to tell Hobbes what he did in the pool. Hobbes gets a horrified look.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding the wagon down the hill. Hobbes says summer is almost over, and it went by quickly. Calvin says there is never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Hobbes is hungry. Calvin tells him breakfast isn't until tomorrow. Hobbes' stomach is growling. Calvin tells him to be quiet. Hobbes reminds him most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Calvin's eyes open. In the kitchen, he's making Hobbes a sandwich. He says sometimes he wishes he had a dog. Hobbes tells him more tuna and less mayonnaise.

Calvin tells Hobbes that rituals are important. He says his favorite ritual is eating three bowls of "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. He says after a few hours, he's so overstimulated he can't sit still or think straight. Hobbes says it's like a transcendental experience. Calvin says he achieves a lower consciousness.

Calvin stops at his front door worried about Hobbes pouncing on him. He pushes the door open with a stick. He says he's home. Nothing happens. He peeks in, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin asks if he waits until he sees the whites of his eyes. Hobbes, laughing, says he should have seen them. They were as big as dinner plates.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's read the papers lately. He says grown-ups really have fouled the world up. Acid rain, toxic waste, holes in the ozone, sewage in the ocean, on and on. They walk a little further, and Calvin says the only bright side is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting for.

Calvin packs his suitcase. He says it's outrageous how grown-ups have polluted the earth. He refuses to inherit a spoiled planet. He's leaving. Hobbes asks him "Where to". Calvin stops, puzzled. He tells Hobbes sometimes he's a real load to have around.

Hobbes suggests they could go to Mars to avoid Earth's pollution. Calvin figures if they go now, they can claim it and keep everyone else off it. Calvin goes off to get their wagon. Hobbes asks if they're going in the wagon. Calvin says of course, unless he wanted to flap his arms. Hobbes scratches his head and says he hadn't thought about that part. Calvin walks off saying "Obviously".

Calvin says goodbye to Mom. He's going to live on Mars, since Earth is too polluted. She tells him goodbye. Calvin stands by the open back door and tells her to say goodbye to Dad. If he can find an interplanetary post office, he'll write once in a while. Mom tells him he's letting in bugs. Either stay in or go outside. Hobbes tells Calvin she didn't see too choked up about them going. Calvin adds they should have left a long time ago.

Calvin and Hobbes are going down the hill in their wagon. Hobbes asks if they'll get enough lift to break the earth's gravity. Calvin tells him yes, he's thought of everything. Hobbes asks what they'll eat on this trip. As the wagon flies off the ramp they built, Calvin tells Hobbes it was his job to pack food. Hobbes says he packed food for him.

Calvin and Hobbes are in the wagon in space. Calvin says they cleared Earth's orbit. Calvin yells "Mars, here we come". Hobbes asks if he's sure this is the way. Calvin asks if he didn't bring the map.

Calvin kicks the football to Hobbes. Calvin goes for the tackle. He hits Hobbes, but nothing happens. Calvin tries picking up Hobbes' foot, but nothing happens. Calvin pulls Hobbes' tail, but nothing happens. He tries climbing on Hobbes to reach the football, but Hobbes simply holds it at arm's length. Calvin suggests they change to touch football.

Calvin says space travel makes you realize how small we are. The earth is a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space. Calvin wonders about the mysteries of creation. He thinks they're part of some great design, no more or less important than any other thing in the universe. Everything fits together and has a reason for being. He asks Hobbes if it makes him wonder. Hobbes wonders what happens when you throw up in zero gravity. Calvin tells him maybe he should wonder what it's like to walk home.

They are coming in through Mars' atmosphere. The wagon comes to a landing on the surface. Calvin says they're the first ones to land on another planet. What a historic moment! Calvin tells Hobbes he still can't believe Hobbes forgot the camera. Hobbes crosses his arms and says he did remember the camera. Calvin just didn't want to turn around.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking on Mars looking for signs of life. Calvin notices the old "Viking" spacecraft that landed in the 70's. Hobbes wonders if it's still working. They walk up to the craft, make funny faces at it, and make odd noises. As they walk away laughing, Calvin says that ought to blow some circuits at NASA.

Calvin decides to unpack and set up camp. They have comic books, candy bars, tuna, a can opener, and toothbrushes. They're all set. Hobbes brought along a night light. He thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. He goes off looking for an outlet.

As they're eating a candy bar, Calvin comments that Mars is dull, but it's better than Earth. They have the whole planet to themselves. No people, no pollution. Nothing but natural beauty as far as the eye can see. Hobbes asks if that's Calvin's candy wrapper on the ground. Calvin hastily says it was only there a minute, and he wasn't going to leave it.

Calvin and Hobbes both like it on Mars. It's very peaceful. Calvin also adds that Mom isn't there to boss them around. No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners. Hobbes looks quickly at the ground. He asks Calvin if that rock just moved. They hold onto each other and yell for Mom.

Calvin and Hobbes look at a rock. It's moving. Hobbes says there's something under it. Calvin says it must be a Martian. He says it's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster. They see a tentacle come from under the rock. Calvin says it's coming out. He wonders what they'll do. When they see the Martian, and the Martian sees them, everyone jumps into the air and shrieks.

Calvin and Hobbes are hiding behind a rock. Calvin wonders if the Martian is still out there. Hobbes takes a look. He doesn't see him, so he tells Calvin he must be hiding. Calvin whispers to Hobbes asking if he thinks the Martian is scared of them. Hobbes tells him why not, they're afraid of him. Calvin says they're just ordinary Earthlings, not weirdos from another planet like he is.

Calvin asks why the Martian hid from them. Hobbes supposes Martians may not like Earthlings. Calvin wonders what there is not to like. Calvin yells to the Martian to come out, they're not bad. They just came to Mars because people polluted their own planet. He stops. Then, Calvin asks Hobbes if their reputation preceded them. Hobbes asks if Calvin would welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained.

Hobbes thinks they should go home to earth. Calvin agrees, thinking they may not be welcome there. He thinks they should fix up their own planet before messing around with other people's planets. As they start down a hill, Calvin says there's only one earth, and it has to last them a while. Hobbes adds they should also go home because they're out of tuna. Calvin hopes Mom and Dad haven't rented out his room.

As they ride in the wagon through space, they approach earth. Calvin says you can see the continents. He says if he remembers his atlas, they live in a big, purple country. Hobbes adds their house is by the giant "E" in the word "States".

Dad comes home from work, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes went to Mars. Calvin explains they went there because Earth is polluted, but they came home when they found Mars inhabited. Dad asks if he didn't like the Martians. Calvin tells him the Martians didn't like them. He thinks the Martians were worried they'd junk up their planet like they had junked up Earth. Dad asks why his good briefcase is out and why does it smell like tuna. Calvin says they go all the way to Mars, and Hobbes forgets the camera.

Calvin brings in the space alien he caught in his back yard to show and tell. He tells the class that for two days, he's kept it in a special zarnium-coated bag, feeding it pure ammonia. He opens the bag, and he has a hand puppet on. He makes a growling sound. Later, Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin tells him the teacher said both Mom and Dad have to sign his report cards this year.

Calvin tells Hobbes their lives are pretty nice. He says a lot of kids don't have as good a home life as they do. They really can't complain. They keep walking over rocks and fallen trees. Calvin adds that isn't to say they should go home yet. Hobbes asks when he thinks they'll see the car windshield.

In the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he hates everybody. He can't see how anyone could fall in love, because people are jerks. Hobbes says that sometimes they are, but look at the colors of the trees today. Calvin looks around and says so what. Hobbes thinks it's more fun to see something like this with someone than by yourself. They look at each other. They walk off across a fallen tree. Calvin says he guesses, but he'd rather see this with a tiger than a person.

Mom tucks Calvin back to bed and says she thinks the worst is over. She tells him to try to get some sleep. She says she's going back to bed, but that he should call if he feels sick again. Calvin weakly agrees. Mom closes the door and says "Poor little kid". Hobbes disgustedly pushes Calvin over and says there's nothing worse than a sick roommate. He tells Calvin to face the other way.

Calvin says it's scary being sick at night. He wonders what if something is really wrong with him, and they have to take him to the hospital. He gets more worried about having tubes and hoses stuck in him, having an operation, and it being the last night of his life. Hobbes, being kept awake by all this, says he could then look forward to having the bed to himself tomorrow. Calvin says there are few things less comforting than a tiger who's up too late.

Calvin is lying in bed. He says he gets to stay home from school. He gets to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. He says he wishes he could do that every day...like some people he knows. He looks over at Hobbes, who's also in bed with comics.

Calvin thinks people worry too much about little things. He says all they do is make themselves unhappy that way. He asks Hobbes why get an ulcer over things that don't matter. Hobbes asks if he means things like the book report he's supposed to be writing now on the book he hasn't read. Calvin tells him "Exactly. Case in point".

Calvin asks Hobbes if he has ever sat and watched ants. Calvin points out one ant and says it's carrying a crumb that's bigger than he is, and he's running. He tells Hobbes if you put an obstacle in front of him, he'll scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He says the ant doesn't let anything stop him. Calvin tells Hobbes he just can't identify with that kind of work ethic.

Calvin tells Hobbes the earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago. He says 3 billion years ago, bacteria appeared. Then came sea life, dinosaurs, mammals, and a million years ago, man. Then he says that in 1988, there's Calvin. He calls it "The Acme of Evolution".

Calvin and Hobbes rake up a pile of leaves. They run off, and come back with a carrot and a hat. They put them on the leaf pile, trying to make it look like a snow man. Hobbes says it's not quite the same. Calvin says it probably won't snow for at least another month.

Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping. Hobbes suddenly starts growling and roaring in his sleep. Calvin tries to wake Hobbes up, to no avail. He has a worried look on his face. He decides to sleep on the floor. As he lies there, he says Mom wonders why he never looks rested in the morning.

Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter to take a bath for him. Hobbes sits in the tub, while Calvin talks about washing his arms, dropping the soap, and washing his face. Hobbes offers to take his Wednesday bath for him, too. Calvin hands Hobbes a towel. Hobbes figures a few weeks of this, and he'll be rich. Hobbes dries himself with the blow dryer. They lie in bed when Mom comes to give Calvin a good night kiss. Calvin whispers for Hobbes to keep a straight face. BLEECH! Calvin is filthy. Calvin hands her the wet towel and asks if she didn't hear him take his bath. Back into the tub he goes. He wants his quarter back, but Hobbes says it's as good as spent.

Calvin finds a buckeye on the ground. He tells Hobbes how pretty and perfect it is. He says he's going to keep it. Hobbes asks what he'll do with it. Calvin tells him he'll try to dent Susie's skull from 50 feet.

Hobbes asks what Calvin is doing. Calvin is digging a hole to China. Calvin says if Dad is going to be a grouch, he'll just go live on the other side of the planet. Calvin tells Hobbes he can come along, too. There's another shovel in the garage. Hobbes wonders if Dad will get mad with them digging up the driveway. Calvin says Dad will get mad no matter where they dig.

Calvin shows off the super hero outfit Mom made for him. It has a mask and cape. He says he can fight crime without anyone knowing his true identity. He asks Hobbes if he's seen any crimes. Hobbes wants to know why he cares that nobody knows his identity.

Calvin is doing his homework. He tells Hobbes Mom won't let him go outside until he finishes. He suggests Hobbes help him so he can get done faster. He asks Hobbes what five plus seven is. Hobbes doesn't know, nor does Calvin. Hobbes suggests he write "I don't know" as the answer. Calvin agrees that's a true answer. He can write that for all the questions. He's done. Out the door he and Hobbes go. Inside the house, we hear someone saying they're going to have a look at their prodigy's homework.

Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to play outside. Calvin doesn't, he's watching TV. Hobbes reminds him he hates that show. Calvin explains that Dad was sick of arguing with him and told him he didn't care if he watch TV until his brains oozed out his ears. Hobbes asks if he's going to. Calvin tells him it was a hard-won privilege.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin calls the signals. Hobbes snaps the ball. Hobbes immediately turns around, jumps up, and tackles Calvin. Hobbes says there is another five yard loss. Calvin says they've got to get some other players.

Calvin gets out of bed, telling Hobbes he's lucky he doesn't have to go to school. He tells Hobbes he doesn't know what it's like to get up on cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Hobbes says he does know, and Calvin asks how. Hobbes curls up with the covers and says that Calvin tells him every morning. Calvin yells that he's sorry if he's keeping Hobbes awake.

Calvin is trying to catch Hobbes, who has the football. Hobbes keeps running, with Calvin in close pursuit. Hobbes goes into the house and crawls under the chair. Calvin, caught under the chair, complains this isn't how the game is played. Hobbes tells him he still hasn't tackled him.

Calvin is ready to snap himself the football. Hobbes is crouched on the other side of the ball ready to pounce. Calvin snaps the ball and Hobbes prepares to jump. Calvin flips the football to the ground for a fumble, where Hobbes pounces upon it and runs for a score. Calvin says he's losing the game, but he's winning an ambulatory adulthood.

Calvin gets off the bus after a rough day. He opens the door, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that if he thought that was funny, he should come back and fight. He trudges up the stairs. Mom notices he looks dirtied and asks what happened. He tells her not to ask. He heads to his room to change. When he opens his room door, Hobbes crashes into him again. Later, Dad asks where Calvin is. Mom tells him she sent him to his room for making prank calls to pet stores. He was asking them if they'd buy his tiger.

Calvin and Hobbes are dressed in cowboy hats. Hobbes shoots Calvin with his finger. Calvin grabs his chest and falls backward. Hobbes hands him something. Calvin asks what it is as he shakes it. Hobbes tells him it's his death rattle.

Calvin has an art project. He supposed to draw his pet. Since he doesn't have one, he's going to draw Hobbes. He has Hobbes look ferocious. Calvin has trouble drawing the picture. He gets angry and crumples the paper. He says he hates his class. Hobbes asks to try. Hobbes says drawing tigers automatically makes your picture fine art. Calvin likes the picture Hobbes is drawing. He adds a couple heads next to the tiger to look as if he ate a village. Calvin thinks that's great and that he'll have the best picture in the class. Calvin is explaining to the principal that Hobbes drew the picture, not him. He asks if the principal thinks he could draw anything that good himself.

Calvin comes home from school. He stands outside the house, yelling for Mom to open the door for him. Mom does, but mentions the door wasn't locked. He tells her sometimes Hobbes is ready to pounce on him when he returns home. Mom tells him not to call her to come open the door unless it's locked. Calvin says he sure outsmarted Hobbes this time. When he enters his bedroom, he sticks his tongue out at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin a sissy.

Calvin walks up to Hobbes, who's lying on the ground. Calvin says he's in a bad mood. He tells Hobbes to get out of his way. Hobbes sits up and holds his paw out. Calvin is puzzled. He's startled as Hobbes pops his claws out. Calvin turns around to walk away. He grumbles that a pet dog would have gotten out of his way.

Calvin asks Hobbes what his tail is for. Hobbes isn't really sure. He guesses it's because they look so good. Calvin asks if it's sort of a necktie for his butt. Hobbes accuses Calvin of being jealous.

Calvin comes home from school. KAPOW! Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin walks in all disheveled. Mom asks if he stepped on a land mine. Calvin asks when Dad is going to build the tiger pit he keeps asking him about.

Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the middle of a totally demolished living room. Calvin is holding a bat, Hobbes a ball. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks God lets you plea bargain. Hobbes says he'd worry more about Mom.

Calvin can't figure out how Santa runs his operation. He asks how Santa can give toys away. He asks Hobbes how Santa buys raw materials for the toys and how he pays the elves. There's no income to cover the costs. How does he do it? Hobbes suggests deficit spending. Calvin agrees, but wonders where he'll be when it all catches up to Santa.

Calvin is writing to Santa. He writes that this year he's been extra good. Hobbes, looking over Calvin's shoulder, starts laughing and holds his paws over his mouth. He turns away, continuing to fight the laughter. Calvin looks at him with squinted eyes and a frown. He suggests perhaps Hobbes needs a drink of water. Laughing, Hobbes agrees and leaves.

Calvin looks out the window and sees it snowed. He asks Mom to turn on the radio to see if they closed school. He hopes the buses froze up and the principal can't get out of his driveway. Mom tells him to get dressed. It only snowed an inch. As Calvin walks to the bus, he says getting an inch of snow is like winning ten cents in the lottery.

Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says he's been good all day so far. Hobbes asks if Christmas is getting near. Calvin wonders if it's truly being good if the only reason he behaves is to get more loot at Christmas. All he's doing is saying he can be bribed. He wonders if that's good enough, or does he need to be good in heart and spirit. As they crash into a tree and go flying, Calvin asks if he really has to be good or does he just have to act good. Hobbes, covered in snow, says in Calvin's case, Santa will have to take what he can get.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks there are any monsters under the bed tonight. Hobbes doesn't know. He wonders how you can tell without looking. Calvin says one way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. Hobbes asks how that tells you if you have monsters. Calvin replies that sometimes they laugh.

Mom wakes up to hear Calvin calling loudly for her. She goes to his room and asks what's the matter. Calvin asks if people grow from spores. Mom yells that it's 2 AM and he is asking her if people grow from spores. She asks if he's out of his mind. She wonders why he's even awake. She tells him to go to sleep. After she leaves, Calvin tells Hobbes she didn't answer, so she must not know. Hobbes says it's true.

Calvin says it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school. He says three months are plenty. He offers himself as an exhibit. He's smart. He doesn't need 11 1/2 more years of school. It's a waste of time. Hobbes asks him how he got all the way to the bus stop with both his feet through one pant leg. Calvin says he fell down a lot. He asks Hobbes what his point is. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he was just curious.

Calvin wakes Hobbes up and tells him it's Christmas. Hobbes asks if he's sure, since it's still dark outside. Calvin says it's four in the morning. He hops out of bed. He asks Hobbes to see if Santa left their loot yet. He says he'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but they can at least count their packages. Calvin sees all the presents. Hobbes hands him one and says it's strange Santa would go to the bother to wrap a box of coal. Calvin starts dividing up the presents by who's getting them. He thinks Santa goofed up. Hobbes hasn't gotten any gifts. Calvin yells to Mom and Dad that Santa didn't get Hobbes anything. Calvin hugs Hobbes and tells him it's a present from him. He hopes it fits. Hobbes tells him the best presents don't come in boxes. He'll treasure it forever.

Calvin and Hobbes look out the window to the evening. The moon is shining in the sky, snow is on the ground. Calvin says there's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear, freezing, moonlit night. Then he adds, "through a window, that is".

Calvin is getting dressed. He complains every day he has to get up and go to school. He says nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But today, he goes for the gusto. He dresses in a space helmet and cape. Hobbes suggests Calvin should ask Mom if it's okay.

Calvin tells Hobbes that he really got in trouble in school today. Hobbes asks what he did, but Calvin doesn't want to talk about it. They walk on a bit more. Hobbes asks if it has anything to do with all those sirens about noon. Calvin tells him he said he didn't want to talk about it.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he made any New Year's resolutions. Calvin promises to quit hiding his feelings so much. He says from now on the world will know exactly what he thinks of it. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says Calvin has certainly been the model of self-restraint and understatement until now. They walk along for a while. Calvin thinks about it. He adds that he's also resolved not to put up with sarcastic tigers. Hobbes tells him if he sees any, he'll tell them.

Calvin and Hobbes are both covered with snow. Hobbes says the next time they go down the hill, he gets to steer. Calvin complains that Hobbes steers like an old lady. Hobbes replies that he's tired of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. Calvin retorts that they missed the briar patch. Hobbes clarifies that they did by going down into the gully and into the stream. Calvin tells him he makes everything sound so terrible. He says Hobbes should be glad they're alive.

Calvin has created the finest snowball ever made. He's handcrafted a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. He calls it the ultimate winter weapon. As he continues praising his snowball, he's smacked by a snowball thrown by Hobbes. Hobbes says Calvin is another casualty of the seduction of art.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the best way to get what you want. He asks if it's better to hold fast and not back down or to compromise. Hobbes answers it's best to hold fast when you can and compromise when you need to. Calvin says that's a lot more mature than he thinks he cares to be.

Calvin and Hobbes are watching television. Calvin thinks the short attention span of television is great. As far as he's concerned, if something is so complicated you can't explain it in ten seconds, it's not worth knowing anyway. Calvin says his time is valuable. He can't go thinking about one subject for minutes on end. He's a busy man. Hobbes adds that he's been sitting there watching television for three hours.

Calvin is warming his hands by the fire. He says there's something magical about having a fire. He comments on the crackles and snaps, the warm, flickering light. He says everything seems safe and cozy if you're sitting in front of a fire. He sits back against Hobbes, who's sleeping on the floor. He says it's even better when you have a hot tiger tummy to lie against.

Calvin and Hobbes run out to build the best snow fort ever. Calvin plans for five foot high walls, and turrets every fifty feet. He shows Hobbes where an inner wall will be, along with a bin to store snowball reserves. The snow isn't wet enough to pack. Calvin realizes it will take forever to build just the outer walls. Hobbes is cold. Calvin is too, so they go inside to have hot chocolate by the fire. They decide to draw the snow fort. Calvin wonders where the ice spikes should go. Hobbes tells him, and also thinks Calvin got more marshmallows in his chocolate than Hobbes did.

Calvin asks Dad to read "An Ode to Tigers" at bedtime. Hobbes wrote it. Dad reads the zebra's stripes are lacking hues, they don't compare to you-know-who's. It's camouflage and stylish, too. Yes, tigers look best. It's true. Dad asks if this goes on. Calvin tells him for pages. He asks Dad if he thinks it's pretty tedious.

Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes pounces on him and knocks him into the snow. Calvin says the snow cushioned the blow to his spine, so now he can die of pneumonia. Hobbes makes fun of Calvin, mocking him with "Has oo got de sniffoos".

Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the snow. Calvin likes the cold, gray winter days. He says days like these let you savor a bad mood.

Calvin has built a loop out of snow on the downslope of the hill. Hobbes is standing nearby as Calvin pulls the sled up the hill. Hobbes tells Calvin to try it. He'll watch. Calvin calls him a sissy.

Calvin puts a snowball on the head of a snowman. He's going to be the next William Tell, and he'll hit the snowball clean off. He throws a snowball. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says "ouch". Calvin complains that he flinched.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the toboggan. Calvin asks if Hobbes is ready. He says yes, so off they go. Hobbes steps off the back of the toboggan. He brushes the snow off himself and watches the toboggan go down the hill. He turns his head at one point, covering his eyes. He covers his mouth at another. He looks into the air, following Calvin's journey. As Calvin comes back up the hill, covered in snow and branches, Hobbes tells him he told him so. Calvin tells Hobbes to help him gather the sled, and he calls him a sissy.

Calvin complains about all the homework he has to do. He tells Hobbes he doesn't want to do the homework, and he wants to play outside. Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says "childhood is short and maturity is forever".

Calvin tells Hobbes that people are rotten. He says when he grows up, he's going to live a million miles from everyone. Hobbes asks how he'll survive and eat. Calvin suggests Mom could come by twice a day to cook. Hobbes says that would be quite a commute.

Calvin comes home complaining about an assignment he got. He has to write about an adventure he had. Calvin argues that his life has been one big bore from the beginning. He's never been abducted by pirates, never faced down a charging rhino, been in a shoot-out, or on a bombing run. Hobbes asks about the time he backed the car through the garage door. Calvin doesn't think that was an adventure. He never even got on the highway.

Dad is shoveling snow when Calvin asks him when he thinks they'll get a thunder and lightning storm. Dad says probably not until spring. Calvin walks back to Hobbes, who's standing next to a snowman prone on the ground. Calvin says he thinks the snowman will melt before they can bring him to life.

Hobbes looks at all the snowmen Calvin made. Calvin says they're effigies. Each one represents someone he hates. Calvin says when the sun comes out, he'll watch the snowmen melt until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. Hobbes looks to the distance. He says he didn't know Calvin knew so many people.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing a book about his life, titled "Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation". Hobbes asks what exploits he's referring to. Calvin admits that's the problem. He asks Hobbes for some he could do.

Calvin puts a snowman on his toboggan. He tells Hobbes it's a crash test dummy. He's going to see if the hill is safe to go down. Calvin pushes the toboggan forward, and down it goes. They both watch the toboggan. Hobbes holds his paws over his mouth and says he thinks he's going to be sick. Calvin proclaims he wouldn't have steered that way. He says the snowman deserved it.

Calvin complains the television shows are rotten. There's no imagination in the bunch. He asks Hobbes who they think is stupid enough to sit and watch this trash. As Hobbes walks off, he says "You". Calvin replies if there was anything better on, he would watch that.

Calvin runs to his bedroom warning Hobbes that they have to hide since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes says they're usually in bed by 6:30. Calvin adds they get no TV, no horsing around. She walks in and sends them straight to bed. Hobbes complains she doesn't even give them a good night kiss. Calvin makes a face and asks if he would really want her to.

Calvin asks Dad where they're going that night. He wonders why he and Hobbes can't come along. Dad says they're going to dinner and a movie to get some time by themselves. Calvin says that he could come. Hobbes wouldn't kill anyone. Calvin asks why they can't come, why aren't they wanted around. He asks if the movie's dirty or something. Dad tells Mom that they'll have a dinner with real pauses in the conversation. Can she imagine?

Mom lets Rosalyn in. She tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs hiding from her, so she may have an easy evening. Rosalyn says that would be good, since she has to study for a big test tomorrow. Upstairs, Calvin and Hobbes are listening around the corner. As Hobbes rubs his paws together, and Calvin puts on an evil smile, he declares that tonight is "The Revenge of the Baby Sat".

Rosalyn chases Calvin, who has her study notes. Calvin and Hobbes run into the bathroom. They lock the door just before Rosalyn gets there. She tells Calvin through the bathroom door that if he doesn't open the door, his parents will never find his remains. Calvin holds her papers over the open toilet and tells her "Here go your notes".

Calvin gets a valentine in the mailbox. It's from Susie Derkins. Calvin reads the card, which says "Be my valentine". Hobbes starts making fun of Calvin. He starts singing "Calvin and Susie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Calvin says he's not her valentine just because he got that in the mail. He asks if the Postmaster General knows about this. Hobbes continues ridiculing Calvin by singing "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage". Calvin is horrified to think he has to kiss Susie if they're valentines. Calvin wants a lawyer. He says she can't make him her valentine. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Susie says hi to Calvin, who throws the valentine on the ground. He tells her to get away from him, and he's not her valentine. He tells her to take her card back. Susie tells Calvin the card wasn't for him. She asks if he read the back of the envelope. When Calvin looks at it, it reads "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes". Calvin is shocked! Hobbes, with a smile on his face, says "Hot Dog! Smooch City, here I come".

Rosalyn pounds on the bathroom door telling Calvin he has two seconds to unlock the door and return her science notes. Calvin suggests she adopt a more humble attitude. He warns her she wouldn't want anything to happen to the notes. Rosalyn rattles the door knob, calls Calvin a "Scummy little troll". As she's telling him what she'll do when Calvin's parents get home, she hears the toilet flush. Calvin tells her "There's one page". Rosalyn is horrified.

Rosalyn grits her teeth and says Calvin had better not really have flushed her notes. She has a test tomorrow. Calvin says with that at stake, his demands should seem reasonable. Rosalyn says he doesn't get any demands. She wants him to open the door. As Calvin walks over to the toilet, he says a high school senior should catch on quicker. He says he should write the school board. Hobbes readies the "torpedo tube".

Calvin tells her he hopes she memorized the page already, because she'll never see it again. She tells him not to flush it and asks what his demands are. Calvin tells her he wants to stay up until his parents drive in. Then, he wants Rosalyn to get a pizza and rent a video player. She tells him he's out of his mind. Calvin continues and asks if she's writing these down.

Hobbes doesn't hear Rosalyn any more. Calvin calls out to her. No answer. Calvin wonders if she went away. Hobbes says they still have her notes. Calvin can't figure out what she's doing. Hobbes wonders if she's calling the fire department to open the door with an axe. Calvin thinks that would be great. He hopes they bring their biggest truck. Hobbes hopes Mom and Dad are having a restful evening.

Calvin opens the bathroom door and peeks out. He calls to Rosalyn, asking if she's calling the fire department. She darts around the corner and grabs Calvin. As she carries him off, he tells her he didn't really flush her notes. He says they're all there and asks her not to kill him. He's put to bed. Hobbes points out it's 7:00. They got to stay up a half hour longer than usual.

Calvin builds a snowman he is using as a Calvin decoy. He dresses the snowman in his hat and coat. He tells Hobbes he's going to hide behind the tree and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy. He'll find out who his enemies are. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says Calvin's enemies must not be too bright. Calvin agrees, saying that's why they're out to get him. They can't stand his genius. As Calvin hides behind the tree, Hobbes yells that he sees a way his plan might fail. Calvin tells him to quiet down. Hobbes smacks Calvin with a snowball. Calvin, poking out upside down from the snow, says his plan to discover his enemies was a complete success. Hobbes says it's too bad he took off his hat and coat, because he must be soaked.

On their sled, Calvin says they're at the top of "Suicide Slope". Below them are the skeletal remains of hundreds of little sled riders. Searching for that ultimate adrenaline rush, they prepare to go over the brink. What fate awaits them? Calvin asks if Hobbes is ready. Hobbes says no. Calvin goes on to say life and death hang in the balance. A fraction of a second and one wrong term is all that separate them. Hobbes tells him this isn't helping.

Going down the slope, Calvin says Dad tells him the anticipation of something is often more fun than having it. Calvin thinks he's crazy. Calvin hates waiting for things. He likes to have things immediately. As they fly over a small gorge, Calvin can't think of anything he'd rather anticipate than have. He asks if Hobbes does. Hobbes covers his eyes and says death. As they head into the briar patch, Calvin doesn't know why he bothers discussing things with Hobbes when he's always so morbid.

Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes snow was dry so you didn't get all cold and wet when you play in it. Then, he mentions that you couldn't make snowballs, which is bad. He then wishes it snowed in summer. But that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. As he and Hobbes walk away, he decides things are okay as they are. Hobbes is glad he approves.

Calvin and Hobbes are each in a snow fort. There is a bunch of snowballs lying on the snow in front of each fort. Calvin says he thinks their snow forts are too far apart.

Calvin, eating a bowl of cereal, tells Hobbes he could order an official Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs beanie. It has a battery-powered propeller on top and a star on the front. Hobbes notices you need to send in four "Proof of Purchase Seals" to get it. Calvin hands him a bowl and tells him to not just sit there or this will take forever. Hobbes says that cereal always makes his heart skip.

Hobbes feels sick. Calvin chides him by telling him it's only his second bowl of cereal. Hobbes complains that it's pure sugar. Calvin retorts that it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Hobbes responds that it's like eating a bowl of Milk Duds. Calvin shows him on the box where it says its' a part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast. Hobbes points out the picture shows a guy eating five grapefruits and a dozen bran muffins. Calvin is shaking from all the sugar. He tells Hobbes that the reason Hobbes is shaking is due to a vitamin deficiency, he bets.

Calvin excitedly tells Hobbes he ate enough cereal and has enough proofs of purchase to order his beanie. Calvin thinks it will be so cool, he can't wait. Hobbes tells him it says to allow six weeks for delivery. Calvin is shocked! In six weeks, he'll be old. Hobbes pats his head and says his beanie will be the talk of the rest home.

Calvin tells Hobbes "A penny for your thoughts". Hobbes says his thoughts are worth a buck apiece. Calvin says that's outrageous, no thoughts are worth a dollar. Hobbes says his are. Calvin wouldn't give a nickel for any thought Hobbes has had in his whole flea-ridden existence. Hobbes raises the price to ten dollars. Calvin refuses to be extorted. He tells Hobbes to keep his thought. Hobbes tells him he'd beg to pay it if he knew what it was. Calvin asks Hobbes to tell it. Hobbes refuses. Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter. It's all he has. Hobbes demands to see the quarter. When he's paid, Calvin asks Hobbes what is his big, expensive thought. Hobbes replies "A fool and his money are soon parted". That starts a fight.

Calvin is chattering away at night in his bed about his beanie. Calvin hopes it comes soon. He thinks it's been six weeks. He goes on to say he ordered the red beanie, but what if it's not in stock. Should he take the blue one or wait for a reorder? Hobbes rolls his eyes. Calvin continues talking about always wanting a beanie. He says it will be so cool to have it. A red one...or a blue one. He asks Hobbes if he thinks it will come tomorrow. Hobbes is covering his head with a pillow trying to sleep. He says it sure had better.

Calvin tells Hobbes he gets his hopes up every day, thinking his beanie will come, then it doesn't. Every day that goes by, he figures, increases his chances the next day will be the one. His hopes get higher and higher before they fall. He says he's been disappointed so often, he thinks he's getting numb to it. Hobbes says maybe the mailman made a second trip and came by and delivered it in the last five minutes. Calvin races off saying he never thought of that. Hobbes replies that he's not numb.

Calvin complains to Hobbes that he's only having a little fun, when he should be having a lot of fun. Since it's Sunday, he only has a precious few hours of freedom before he has to return to school. He has to squeeze all the possible fun out of the day. Valuable minutes are disappearing, as Calvin is not having the time of his life. He tells Hobbes they have to have more fun. Off they run. Hobbes says he didn't realize fun was so much work. Calvin says when you're serious about having fun, it's not much fun at all.

Calvin isn't happy that he has to assemble his beanie propeller and motor himself. Calvin asks if they think he's an engineer. He has to insert wires into a plastic switch. He says he can't do this. Hobbes offers to try. Calvin says no and grabs the switch away from Hobbes. He says Hobbes will probably goof it all up. SNAP! Something breaks. Calvin is horrified, but Hobbes says when you insult a tiger it's bad luck every time.

Calvin is horrified! His motor broke, the piece snapped. He's worried his beanie propeller won't work. He rants that he waited for weeks, and now it's broken. He never got to wear the beanie. He turns to Hobbes and says it was his fault. He tries to hit Hobbes, who holds him away by his head. Hobbes reminds him he was just sitting. Calvin broke it. Calvin angrily accuses Hobbes of willing him to break it by using some subliminal thing. Hobbes concentrates and says he's willing Calvin to go jump in the septic tank.

Hobbes asks Calvin why he's mad at him. Calvin doesn't even want to talk to Hobbes. Hobbes points out Calvin broke the beanie, not him. Calvin insists Hobbes distracted him. Hobbes points a finger at Calvin and says he was just sitting there, Calvin broke it by himself. Calvin sniffles his agreement, then adds that considering his life is in shambles right now, couldn't Hobbes at least take the blame.

Calvin runs out to show Hobbes his completed beanie. He puts it on and asks Hobbes how it looks. Hobbes thinks about it and says adjectives fail him. Calvin turns the beanie on. The propeller spins. Calvin says he doesn't seem to be lifting off. This is very peculiar. Hobbes points and says that's the word he was looking for.

Calvin tells Hobbes the beanie isn't making him fly. He asks what's the point of a propeller beanie if you can't even fly when you wear it. Hobbes offers that the point isn't "style", certainly. Calvin kicks the beanie and complains that he ate all that cereal, waited all those weeks, assembled it, and it doesn't fly. What a rip off! He says it's not a total loss, though. It came in a great cardboard box.

Calvin is telling Hobbes that first, he got in trouble for not paying attention in class. He turned in his last-minute insect collection, for which he received a "D minus minus". Then, he got in trouble for getting Susie into trouble. Then, he got in trouble when he told Mom and then got in trouble again when she told Dad. He complains he's been in hot water since he got up. Hobbes tells Calvin that he bets all that makes him get his book report finished right on time. Calvin replies "My what".

Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe in ethics anymore. As far as he's concerned, the end justifies the means. He goes on to say you should get while the getting's good, might makes right, and winners write the history books. He figures it's a dog-eat-dog world, so he'll do what he has to and let others argue whether it's "right" or not. Hobbes pushes Calvin into a mud puddle. Calvin asks why he did that. Hobbes tells him he was in his way, now he's not. The end justifies the means. Calvin tells him he didn't mean for everyone, just him.

Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He asks Hobbes to suppose Calvin grows up to become one of the world's greatest men of all time. Suppose his name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come. He asks what he history books will say, then answers that he spent much of his childhood unwillingly in the bathtub. Calvin complains that his being in the tub is an indignity. He asks if this situation is worthy of one of the greatest men of all time. Calvin laments his likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Hobbes asks if he'd rather they say his childhood was dirty and smelly.

Calvin plugs one nostril and snorts in. He opens his mouth to dredge up some saliva. PTOOEY! He spits it out. He proudly tells Hobbes that they sure go farther when you make them up right. Hobbes, making a face and holding his stomach, suggests they make up a new contest.

Calvin runs from the school bus. He approaches his door, but stops to think. He sneaks around the house and enters a window. He tiptoes over to the front door, where he starts to open it. He yells that he's home. Hobbes leaps by heading out the front door. Calvin closes and locks the door behind Hobbes, calling him a chump. There's a knock on the door. Calvin yells out that he's not opening the door, and that he can just stay out there all night. Mom is standing outside the house, at the door, with two grocery bags. Hobbes is sitting on the step. Mom says she can't wait to hear this one explained.

Calvin is hiccupping. He walks over to Hobbes to tell him. Each time he tries to say he has hiccups, he can't finish the sentence. Hobbes starts asking him what he has. He asks if Calvin has a dollar, a comic book, what? Calvin continues to try to tell Hobbes, but he keeps hiccupping. Hobbes, with an impish smile, says he loves doing this.

Calvin finally tells Hobbes he has the hiccups. Calvin tells Hobbes to scare him. Hobbes tells him the oceans are filled with garbage, there's a hole in the ozone that's frying the planet, and nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it. Calvin tells Hobbes that he means surprise him. Hobbes asks if that doesn't. He says "Boy, you're cynical".

Hobbes gives Calvin a cup of water. He says drinking from the far side of the glass is supposed to cure hiccups. Calvin tries to figure out how to do that. Hobbes says he has to bend his head way over. Calvin tries it, and water pours over him. He thanks Hobbes because he now has hiccups and water up his nose. Hobbes says he thinks most hiccup cures were invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

Calvin says the hiccups are killing him. Hobbes says eating a spoonful of sugar is supposed to help. Calvin tries it. Hobbes asks if he's cured. Calvin says no, he better eat some more. He digs the spoon back into the sugar.

Calvin stops. His hiccups went away by themselves. He's relieved. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces on Calvin. He asks Calvin if he scared him and cured his hiccups. Calvin hiccups several times.

In bed, Calvin says at night the world seems big and scary. He wishes he could fall asleep. He looks over at Hobbes, who's sleeping. He notices that Hobbes looks funny when he sleeps. Hobbes closes his eyes so tight. He wonders what Hobbes is dreaming about. Calvin touches him and says he's a friend. Calvin lies back down and says things are never quite as scary when you have a best friend. He closes his eyes, and he falls asleep next to Hobbes.

Mom scoots Calvin along. She says they were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. Calvin asks where they're going. Mom tells him for the hundredth time they're going to a wedding. She tells him to get in the car, Dad's waiting. As Calvin climbs in, he asks what if he forgot something. Dad says they'll only be gone overnight. Hobbes' tail pokes out from the covers on Calvin's bed.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin wishes people were more like animals. He tells Hobbes animals don't try to change you, they just enjoy the pleasure of your company. He explains animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, comfort you when you're sad. All they ask in return is a little kindness. Hobbes sobs that it's all true and he blows his nose loudly. Hobbes tells Calvin that speaking of a little kindness, he'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that he happens to make one. Calvin says that of course, some animals get on your nerves once in a while.

Calvin calls into the basement for Hobbes. Mom finds Hobbes in Calvin's bed. Calvin runs upstairs and asks if Hobbes is alright. He hugs Hobbes and says he's so glad to see him. Hobbes is safe and sound, and now Calvin is, too. Mom says that it looks like they're a whole family again.

Dad tells the police officer the TV was stolen. Calvin comes over and tells the officer he bets the burglars ran off when they saw there was a tiger in the house. Dad tells him he's busy, and not to bother them now. Calvin continues by saying no one sticks around when he sees a tiger. He says Hobbes has mandibles of death. Dad tries to push Calvin to Mom. Calvin keeps talking about Hobbes looking at mug shots and going to the station to look at suspects. The officer thinks that he sure meets the weirdos in this job.

Mom has swept up the glass from the window, Dad goes to get something to cover the hole. Mom asks if it's safe to stay there overnight. What if the burglars come back? Dad says the police said they'd drive by, and they can leave lots of lights on. Mom feels creepy knowing burglars were in the house. She doesn't feel safe. Dad says it must be really scary for a little kid like Calvin. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't wait to tell everyone at school that their house was robbed. Hobbes tells him to be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.

Calvin shows Hobbes where their TV used to be. Calvin says they don't have a TV to watch, only a blank wall. He complains about not being entertained. Hobbes asks if it's a pointless existence. Calvin says that the wall is even plain old white.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's going to start a new club, and he can be in it. Calvin explains they'll have secret names, secret codes and secret handshake. They'll have a secret clubhouse with a secret knock. Hobbes asks why all the secrecy? Calvin tells him people pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.

Calvin says the first thing they'll need is a name for their secret club. Hobbes suggests "The Hobbes Fan Club". Calvin is outraged. He says the name has to be mysterious. Something vaguely ominous and chilling. He suggests "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club". Hobbes likes his idea better.

Calvin decides the club name should be Get Rid Of Slimy girlS, or G.R.O.S.S. The first order of business is to elect officers. Hobbes wants to be president. Calvin says no, because the whole idea of the club was his. So he gets to be president. Hobbes says then he wants to be king and tyrant. Calvin changes his mind and says that's what he wants to be. Hobbes can be president.

Calvin and Hobbes are wearing paper hats. Susie Derkins comes along and asks if she can make one, too. Calvin tells her these are the official hats of the G.R.O.S.S. club. Susie asks about the "slimy girls" part. Calvin says he knows it's redundant, but otherwise it didn't spell anything. Susie yells that girls aren't slimy. Calvin tells her not to get gunk on him. He took a bath last Saturday, and he's all clean.

Susie can't believe he started a secret club to exclude girls. She tells Calvin he's the meanest, most rotten little kid she knows. She tells him to play with his stuffed tiger. She doesn't want to play with a stinker like him, anyway. Susie walks away. Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club.

Calvin and Hobbes finish their club's sign. Now they need to find a secret meeting place. Calvin wants to set up a card table in the garage. He says it would be perfect for drawing maps and stuff. The car is parked in the garage, which leaves little room. Calvin decides to push the car out of the garage. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't ask his Mom first. Calvin says she won't care if they push it out. Hobbes reminds him in the past, he's been a remarkably poor judge of what his Mom cares about.

Susie asks if she can play with Calvin. Calvin informs Susie that he and Hobbes aren't playing. They're doing important things and don't need her to mess them up. It doesn't look to Susie like they're doing anything important. Calvin tells her he's spent too much time talking with her and to go away. She says he's just playing in the mud. Calvin tells her that's what it looks like to ignorant girls like her. He tells her to get lost. Susie says she's got better things to do than sitting in the mud like a pig. Calvin gets angry! He says he'll show her as he grabs some mud. Susie taunts him by saying he shouldn't bend over, his curly pink tail shows. Calvin throws mud at Susie, but misses. She taunts him as she runs away. Calvin steams back to Hobbes. Hobbes calls spring that magical time of year when a young man's fancy turns to love. Calvin tells him to shut up.

Calvin asks Hobbes to help him push the car out of the garage. Hobbes still thinks Calvin should ask Mom. Calvin says she'd probably say no, then they wouldn't have the garage for their clubhouse. Hobbes replies if they don't ask her, they'll get in trouble. Calvin says they won't get in trouble. Hobbes says every time he says that, they do. Calvin figures Mom wouldn't care about these things if she didn't keep finding out about them.

Calvin tells Hobbes to quit being such a baby. They'll move the car ten feet. What could go wrong? Hobbes says every time he says that, his tail gets bushy. Calvin says Mom will be glad they did it themselves and didn't bother her. They start pushing the car, and it keeps rolling. Calvin says the car isn't stopping. He chases after it. Hobbes says he thinks Mom is going to be bothered.

Calvin and Hobbes are running after the car. Hobbes says the driveway must be slanted downhill. The car is going faster. Hobbes tells Calvin to jump in and pull the emergency brake. Calvin can't catch the door. Hobbes grabs Calvin as the car goes into the road. Calvin yells for people to watch out for the wild car.

Mom is sitting reading the paper. She says she hasn't seen Calvin for 15 minutes. She's sitting with her back to the window. The car rolls past the window. Then, Calvin and Hobbes run past the window. Mom says that probably means he's getting into trouble.

Calvin and Hobbes stand shocked. The car rolls out into the road. They cover their eyes and can't watch. GRUNTCH! Hobbes says nobody hit it. It went into the ravine across the street. Calvin says "Hooray, we're dead".

Calvin and Hobbes run across the street to see the car. It's sitting nose up in a ditch with half the car poking up. Hobbes asks what Calvin thinks a car like that costs. He bets at least $75. Calvin can only say "Oh man".

Calvin and Hobbes are racing down the hill in their wagon. Calvin thinks life should be more like TV. All of like's problems should be resolved in 30 minutes with simple homilies. Weight and oral hygiene should be their biggest concerns. We should all have high-paying jobs and drive fancy sports cars. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should always carry handguns. Life should be more glamorous and thrill-packed. He says this as they fly out of the wagon, which has gone off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says his life is too featherbrained already. Calvin wonders what they would watch on TV if like really was like that.

Calvin and Hobbes are standing by the car, which is sticking up from the shallow ravine. Calvin says his life is flashing before his eyes. Hobbes doubts Calvin's parents figured he'd wreck their car before he was 16.

Calvin wonders what they'll do. They can't get the car out of the ravine. Calvin wonders if they should act like the car rolled by itself. He thinks Mom and Dad might fall for that. Calvin thinks they may not notice, if they don't say anything. Hobbes says he can be packed in five minutes. Calvin says he'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.

Calvin has a couple sandwiches that he's made, but he thinks Mom got suspicious. He tells Hobbes they'd better go. Hobbes is trying to decide whether to bring a yo-yo or bubbles. Calvin hurries him up saying they'll be lucky to get out of there with their lives. Calvin says Mom is bound to look out the window any minute and see the car. As they dash out the back door, Calvin asks where's a freight train when you really need one.

Calvin and Hobbes run through the field. They're puffing. They stop to rest. Calvin thinks they have enough of a head start and can rest a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks Mom has seen the car yet. Calvin thinks she's probably called Dad at work, and he'll be on his way home. They start running again.

Calvin stops, as he figures he must be in another state by now. It had never occurred to him he'd be spending the rest of his life on the lam. Hobbes asks what kind of sandwiches Calvin brought. Calvin wonders how Hobbes could be thinking of eating. Calvin is so worried, he feels sick. Hobbes asks if he can have Calvin's sandwich, too. Calvin lies back on the grass and says he's six years old and a fugitive from justice.

Calvin says Mom's sure to have found the car and guessed what they did by now. As Calvin and Hobbes walk across a downed tree, Calvin says now he knows what they mean when they say you can't go home again.

Hobbes hears something crashing through the brush. Calvin thinks it's a bear. They run to a tree and climb up. Hobbes thinks tigers are the only ferocious animals the world needs. Calvin imagines the headlines "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble".

Calvin asks if they should climb higher in the tree. Calvin spots the bear coming out of the brush. He says it's on its hind legs, and they only do that when they're mad. Hobbes says that's not a bear, it's Mom. Calvin panics and says that's worse. He tells Hobbes to climb higher.

Mom sees Calvin in the tree and tells him to come down. Calvin doesn't want to because he thinks she'll kill him. Mom says she won't, but wants to know what happened. She asks if anyone was hurt. Calvin says no one was hurt. He says they pushed the car into the drive and it kept rolling. Mom asks if the car hit anything. Calvin says it just went into the ditch. That's when they took off. Mom says the tow truck pulled the car out, and there was no damage. He can come home now. Calvin wants to hear her say she loves him first.

Lying in bed at night, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad saw what happened was an accident. Since they were relieved no one was hurt, all he got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. Calvin says parents are inscrutable. You send their car over a ditch, and you don't even get yelled at. Hobbes says "but try keeping live worms in your Dad's...". Calvin stops him and says not to talk about that.

Hobbes hears something. He springs off, running fast. Calvin is walking along, unsuspectingly. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says you can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger. Calvin, lying under Hobbes' feet, says the question is how you get the tiger back into the jungle.

Calvin is looking at ants on the sidewalk. He tells Hobbes the ants run like mad, work all day, never stopping or resting. All that to make a hill of sand that could blow away at any time. All their work would be for nothing, yet they keep building. They never give up. Hobbes suggests there's a lesson in that. Calvin agrees. He thinks the ants are morons. He heads into the house to see what's on TV.

Hobbes is lying against a tree. Calvin asks what he's doing. Hobbes replies "nothing". Calvin asks if he's doing nothing at all. Hobbes says no. Calvin says he'll help and lies down next to Hobbes.

Calvin has dug a message into his yard. It asks aliens to come as they are. They're welcome. Hobbes asks what Calvin will do when his parents see this. Calvin hopes to be halfway to the next galaxy by then.

Calvin is complaining to Hobbes about being told to clean up his room. He says it's his room. If he doesn't care, why should anyone else. He calls it tyranny. He says it will take all day to clean it. A whole day wasted, shot, down the drain. Hobbes asks how this could possibly take all day. Calvin says it will be another hour before he's through griping.

Calvin thinks the room cleaning will go faster if both he and Hobbes work. Calvin offers to sit and do all the tedious, agonizing planning and organizing. He'll make all the hard decisions, and Hobbes won't have to. All Hobbes has to do is pick up what Calvin tells him to. Hobbes picks up Calvin. Calvin tells him he didn't say to pick him. He tells Hobbes to get away from that trash can.

Hobbes rolls a croquet ball, Calvin hits it with the mallet. Calvin runs around the wickets. Calvin says best games are the ones they don't understand. Hobbes chases him with the ball in his hand, saying Calvin missed a wicket so he doesn't get a goal.

Calvin runs around the house, slides down the ditch, runs over the stream, climbs through the fence, runs around the trees, and dives toward a rock. Hobbes tags him out. Calvin complains the bases are too far apart. Hobbes calls him a big sissy.

Calvin runs up to Hobbes saying there was a bee. It was the size of a Kaiser roll and must have weighed 70 pounds. He says it sounded like a helicopter, and it's stinger was like a harpoon. He says it must have been a killer death bee. Hobbes offers that life in the great suburban outback is certainly fraught with peril. Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'd seen it, he would be scared, too.

The giant pteradon hops to the edge of the cliff. He spreads his bat-like wings and takes to the air. Soaring high, the pteradon is a majestic sight. Hobbes yells to "think majestic". Calvin, holding onto a collapsing umbrella over the cliff, yells back that they should have picked a smaller cliff.

Calvin complains that it's too hot. Hobbes says he could go wading in the creek. Calvin tries that and says the water is too cold. Hobbes says he could go sit in the shade. Calvin tries that and complains that the shade is too dark. Hobbes, frustrated, tells him he could go sit in his room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. Calvin grumbles that's what he was doing when Mom threw him outside.

Mom is reading on the sofa. Calvin comes in and tells her to give him some cookies or he'll soak her with a water balloon. Mom calls him a little thug and warns him not to threaten his mother. She tells him not to even think about throwing that in the house. She tosses him outside. Dejectedly, Calvin says to Hobbes that he bets he would have gotten some cookies if he had filled the balloon with paint.

Calvin runs along yelling it's July already. He wonders what happened to June. Summer vacation is slipping through his fingers like grains of sand. He wants to hoard his freedom. Calvin's eyes bulge with worry that time rushes on. Hobbes says he doesn't want to be there at the end of August. Calvin keeps running around yelling it's a half-hour later than it was a half hour ago. Run!

Calvin tells Hobbes he knows he's destined for greatness. Calvin the Great, they'll call him. He tells Hobbes that he'll get to tell everyone he knew Calvin as a kid. He figures all the papers will want to interview Hobbes to find out what Calvin is really like. Hobbes says Calvin will really have to cough up to keep him quiet. Calvin asks what that's supposed to mean.

Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night. There is a star in the sky. Calvin tells Hobbes that when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. Calvin says he wishes he had a cool million dollars right now. Calvin looks around. Unhappily, he walks off saying that if Jiminy Cricket was there, he'd skoosh him.

Calvin is sitting on the washing machine. He opens the lid and asks Hobbes how it's going. Hobbes tells him it's fine. He tells him to close the lid, since everything stops when you lift it. Calvin laments that his bathtub doesn't have an agitator.

Calvin tells Hobbes that when he cooks eggs, he likes to see how high he can crack it above the skillet. He aims with one eye, so he has no depth perception. That makes it harder. Calvin says the secret to having fun in life is making little challenges for yourself. Hobbes wonders if he means the challenge of explaining the stove and floor to Mom. Calvin asks Hobbes to see if there's another carton in the fridge.

Hobbes asks Calvin what he's writing. He's writing to companies warning them he'll boycott their products if they don't pull their ads from a TV show he finds offensive. He says if these companies are going to support objectionable TV shows, he'll take his business elsewhere. He tells Hobbes maybe he can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just not watch the show. Calvin says this clean, wholesome television makes him sick.

Calvin tells Hobbes he never liked ice cream cones very much until he discovered a new way to eat them. He bites off the bottom and sucks out the ice cream as it melts. He says you wouldn't believe the awful noises you can make, and it gets sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In Calvin's book, food should be nutrition and entertainment. Hobbes says that's why tigers like their food surprised and running.

Calvin says he's so smart, it's scary. He says he is a child progeny. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says most children are. Calvin wonders what he means, Hobbes says nothing. Calvin says people think it's fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes asks if Calvin's pants zipper shouldn't be in front.

Calvin is carrying three water balloons, Hobbes has one. Calvin says he's a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry. Calvin says he sees the fear in Hobbes' eyes. Calvin brags that he can make Hobbes three times wetter than Hobbes can make him. He chides Hobbes to throw his balloon, and his utter sogginess is assured. Calvin can act with impunity, he fears nothing. Hobbes flips his water balloon up into the air and tells Calvin to catch. Calvin tries juggling his balloons and Hobbes'. SPLASH! SPLOOSH! GISSHH! FWOOSH! Calvin, soaking wet, says superpowers have it tough. Hobbes suggests Calvin try stocking up on brains instead.

In his bedroom, Calvin tells Hobbes there's no delaying the inevitable. He tells him to get in the car. Hobbes asks where they're going. Calvin tells him the same place they go every summer, camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. Calvin says that's how Dad likes to unwind. Hobbes asks "With everyone complaining". Calvin says Dad likes to watch them all suffer.

Calvin is sitting on a rock with Hobbes looking at the sun set. There are birds flying, a few clouds in the sky, rock outcroppings and woods all around. Calvin says he bets he's missing some great TV shows.

Late at night, Hobbes sniffs the air in his and Calvin's tent. He's asleep. Calvin tells him he's dreaming and to wake up. Hobbes licks his lips and says some fresh fish would hit the spot. He says there's a nice big one. Calvin is frightened! He holds the flashlight at Mom's tent while she tells him she doesn't care what his clothes smell like. She's not washing anything now.

Calvin is scratching. He says the bugs are awful. Hobbes tells him not to scratch, or he'll make the bites worse. Calvin asks Hobbes what he's supposed to do. The itching is driving him crazy. Hobbes tells him to think of something else. Calvin asks what. Hobbes suggests something like stepping out of all that poison ivy. Calvin yells that he hates this place.

Sitting on the step of their home, Calvin asks Dad where the sun goes when it sets. Dad says Flagstaff, Arizona. He says that's why the rocks there are so red. Calvin asks if the sun doesn't crush the state when it lands. Dad says no. He holds a quarter in front of the sun and tells Calvin the sun is about the same size. Calvin mentions he thought the sun was really big. Dad tells him he can't believe everything he reads. Calvin asks how the sun can rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night. Dad says it's time for Calvin to go to bed. As Mom tucks Calvin in, he tells her that he hopes someday to be as smart as Dad. Mom asks what Dad told him now.

Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't remember much before he was three years old. He says half his life is a blank. He must have been brainwashed. He wonders what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant. What did he know that someone wanted him to forget? He says he's mysterious. Hobbes says he seems to recall Calvin spent most of the time burping up.

Calvin and Hobbes are in their tree fort. Calvin says they're bloodthirsty pirates. Calvin calls avast, ye scurvy dogs. He tells Hobbes to hoist the Jolly Roger and ready the plank. Hobbes hands Calvin a small knit sock. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes tells him "our booty" and starts laughing.

Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin thinks the world should have been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There would just be fewer people and animals to begin with. Calvin adds the world could have used a more even distribution of resources. Hobbes wonders why no one consulted Calvin.

Hobbes pitches the baseball to Calvin. It sails over his head, but Hobbes calls him out. Calvin protests. They get in each other's face and kick dirt on each other. They fight until they're exhausted. Calvin decides to try something else. He gets a step ladder, stands on it with his bat, and gets ready for the pitch.

Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad being boring might be phony. He thinks that after Dad puts them to bed, he puts on a costume and fights crime. Maybe this "Dad" stuff is a secret identity. Calvin wonders if the mayor calls Dad on a secret phone and that Dad's a superhero. Hobbes says if that's true, Dad should drive a cooler car. Calvin agrees, since their car doesn't even have a cassette deck.

The family drives up to the Natural History Museum. Calvin sees the stegosaurus in front. Calvin can't wait to see the dinosaurs and rushes from the car. Mom says it's been a while since they were at the museum. Dad mentions that was at the museum's request. That reminds Mom, who tells Calvin not to bite anyone this time. Calvin is already roaring like a dinosaur.

Mom asks Calvin what kind of dinosaur they're in front of. Calvin tells her it's a stegosaurus. Mom says it looks ferocious, but Calvin tells her it was a plant eater. He tells her the tail spikes were for self-defense. Mom then asks if tyrannosaurs fought them. Calvin tells her of course not. Tyrannosaurs came millions of years later. Calvin walks to the building telling her not to embarrass him when they go inside. Dad wonders why they're going in if he knows everything already.

Calvin shows Hobbes a saber-toothed tiger. Calvin makes fun of it by saying anyone needing a can of juice opened would just put him over it and hit his head. Calvin continues by saying they probably died out because they couldn't understand each other. He makes a face and shows his teeth. Hobbes grabs Calvin by the shirt and frowns at him. Calvin quickly points out that all in all, they were the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution.

Calvin points out the museum gift shop to Mom. He wants to buy something, a poster, a book, t-shirts, models. Mom says she doesn't think he needs any more dinosaur stuff. Calvin says it's all educational. Doesn't she want him to learn? Calvin, walks with his dinosaur hat, poster, and book. Hobbes says she sure fell for that one. Calvin wonders if he can get any Batman junk that way.

Hobbes stretches, yawns, arches his back, scratches his ear, curls around, and plops on the floor. He falls asleep. Calvin, reading a book on the sofa near Hobbes starts yawning and says he shouldn't have watched.

Hobbes comes over to join Calvin in the kiddie pool. Calvin tells him there isn't enough room. He tells Hobbes if he wants to cool off, he'll have to jump in the sprinkler. Hobbes marches off and says he'll do that. Calvin watches him. Calvin darts out of the pool, running toward Hobbes. He yells that he didn't mean for Hobbes to have fun.

Calvin and Hobbes are soundly sleeping. Suddenly, there is a big CRACK! Light fills the room. Then there is a big BOOM! Calvin and Hobbes fly up into the air. They get under the bed. Calvin asks if it's a thunderstorm or a space alien ray gun invasion. Hobbes doesn't care and just wants to know when it's over.

Calvin is digging a hole. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin tells him the dirt is pretty hard. Hobbes thinks he's made a good start. Calvin says he's been digging all morning. It's going to take forever. Hobbes suggests Calvin will have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Calvin agrees, saying you'd be killed diving off the high dive into that pool. He laments the fact saying Mom would have been surprised to have an Olympic pool where her garden used to be. Hobbes tells him that maybe she'll be surprised anyway.

Calvin tells Hobbes about "Calvin's Curative Elixir". He figures he'll charge people a buck a glass and get rich. Hobbes tells him it's just dirty water from the drainage ditch. There are leaves in it. Calvin thinks they'll say "Fortified with Chlorophyll". Hobbes tells him no one will pay to drink that water. Anyone can see it's filthy. He calls it sludge. Calvin says maybe he's right. Calvin sits at a stand with the dirty water in a pitcher on the stand. The sign on the stand reads "Pitcher of Plague. Calvin's Debilitating Drink! $1.00 not to have any".

Calvin has decided not to go to school in the fall. He figures he doesn't need an education or learn to develop skills. He says it's too much trouble. Hobbes asks how he'll make it in the world without knowledge or skills. Calvin replies that he'll go on talk shows and hype himself.

Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, who stops him. Calvin asks if the book was a best-seller, if the author won a Pulitzer, and if the New York Times liked it. Calvin wants stories that come highly recommended. He asks if there are laudatory comments on the book's dust jacket. Dad starts again. "Once upon a time, there was a noisy kid who started going to bed without a story". Calvin asks if that book has been made into a movie and whether they could be watching it on video.

Calvin is practicing his sneers. He shows Hobbes and tells him there's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. He asks Hobbes how he looks. Hobbes replies awful. Calvin thanks him and hopes, with the sneer, to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. Hobbes thinks that will give him a head start on being a teenager. Calvin thinks it's like getting seven extra years.

Calvin hits the ball and leisurely walks the bases. He walks with his hands in his pocket and strolls along. He's on home plate before Hobbes can tag him. He tells Hobbes he's too late. He's gotten another home run. Hobbes, panting, says he's going to quit if they don't stop using a tennis ball.

Calvin is walking along under a tree. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces from the tree onto Calvin. They fight. Hobbes pins him down and tells him he should be more alert. He tells Calvin he wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. Calvin replies that's why he lives here and calls Hobbes a dolt.

Hobbes hides behind a tree and hits Calvin in the head with a water balloon. Calvin threatens to get even, while Hobbes tells Calvin he's all wet. Calvin grabs the hose and runs after Hobbes to give him a soaking. Calvin catches Hobbes filling another water balloon. He tells Hobbes he's too late and hopes Hobbes is thirsty. Calvin squeezes the handle, but nothing happens. He asks why it won't squirt. Hobbes tells him he had to take the other end of the hose off the faucet so he could fill his balloon. He pulls his arm back, and Calvin knows what's coming. Lying soaked on the ground, Calvin says he's kind of looking forward to school next week.

Calvin tells Hobbes Mom asked him to make his bed. Calvin asks Hobbes to help him. Calvin tells him to get some pencils while he gets paper. Hobbes thought they were going to make his bed. Calvin doesn't want to do all that work. They're going to invent a robot to make the bed for them. Hobbes wonders if that won't be more work than making the bed. Calvin replies it's only work if somebody makes you do it.

Hobbes wonders how they'll invent a robot if they don't know anything about machines. Calvin says it's easy. There are four simple machines to alter force: the lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and the internal combustion engine. He tells Hobbes he's an expert. Hobbes asks where they should start. Calvin says by asking Mom for a research grant.

Calvin asks Mom if he can look at her wallet. She asks if he cleaned his room. Calvin says he's inventing a robot to make the bed, but he needs a grant. He asks for $50. As Calvin enters the bedroom, Hobbes asks if she gave him the money. Calvin says that when they're the cover story for Popular Mechanics, he'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.

Calvin decides the first thing the robot needs is a head. Hobbes suggests a coffee can. Calvin says the head has to be big enough for a tape recorder. He's made recordings for the robot's voice. Calvin says that in addition to communicating, they can program the robot to have the proper personality. Hobbes wonders what he means. Calvin says robots should be respectful. He turns on the tape recorder which says "How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master".

Calvin suggests to Hobbes they give up. They can't figure out how to make a robot. Mom comes over and tells Calvin it's past bedtime. He has to leave his toys for tomorrow. Going up the stairs, Calvin laments they spent all day on it. He thought their robot would save him from making the bed. As they walk into the bedroom, Hobbes tells Calvin that in a way, it did. The bed is still unmade from the morning.

Hobbes says Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Hobbes says he's never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Calvin asks how long they've been waiting for the bus. Hobbes tells him about two and a half hours. Calvin thinks Mom put him outside early on purpose.

Calvin gets off the school bus saying "What a day". As he opens the door, Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that things are so darn quiet when he's not around. Calvin cocks his fist and says there's going to be some ruckus now.

Calvin wakes up excited. It's Saturday! He and Hobbes run for the stairs. No homework, no school. Just cartoons and fun all day long. They bump down the stairs saying to turn on the TV, get out the cereal. Mom asks Dad why he's getting up since it's barely light out. Dad, putting on his pants, says he's going to the office to get some sleep.

Hobbes is running with the football. Calvin tries to make the tackle. Calvin doesn't slow Hobbes down. Calvin gets run over and holds Hobbes' tail. Finally, Calvin falls off. Calvin waves Hobbes away. They are playing chess, and Calvin says he's decided to be an intellectual.

Calvin explains what happened to Hobbes. He says Moe stole his truck, and when he went to get it back, Moe wanted to fight. Calvin didn't want to fight, so he walked away. He asks Hobbes what makes some people so greedy and mean. He asks why some people don't care what's wrong or what's right. Hobbes offers that the problem with people is that they're only human. Calvin says Hobbes is lucky that he doesn't have to be one.

Sitting under a tree, Calvin says sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. Hobbes tells him that's why animals are so soft and huggy. Calvin hugs him and says "yeah".

Mom wakes up to Calvin yelling for her. When she checks on him, he tells her that Hobbes had a bad dream. Mom is angry that Calvin woke her up at 2:00 AM because he thinks his stuffed tiger had a bad dream. Calvin explains that Hobbes dreamed he was hungry and ate them all up. Mom walks back to her room, saying she must be having a bad dream. Calvin asks if she shouldn't make Hobbes a sandwich, just in case.

A meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes reads the minutes of their last meeting. Hobbes mentions much nonsense and commotion from dictator-for-life Calvin. Hobbes keeps reading that president-and-first-tiger Hobbes offered a reasonable solution, which elicits a response from Calvin that Hobbes had told him to jump in the lake. Hobbes reads that the dictator received his comeuppance. Calvin says the minutes are lies. They fight, calling each other chowderhead, moron, ogre, and fleabag. They call a truce as they are exhausted. They climb down declaring another productive meeting. What a great club!

Mom is looking for her shoes. Dad's putting his tie on, but he hasn't seen them. Mom says they were right there. She's in her dress. Dad says they'll be late. Mom says she can't go anywhere without her shoes and asks Dad to help her look. Calvin is hiding the shoes in the closet. He says they're not leaving he and Hobbes with a baby sitter tonight.

The doorbell rings. It's Rosalyn! Calvin goes to the door. He tells Rosalyn that his parents have changed their minds about going out and won't be needing her services. Dad comes out and asks Calvin what he's talking about. Calvin says they can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes. Dad wonders what Calvin knows about that. Calvin looks guilty, says he doesn't know anything and asks if Mom's shoes are missing. Rosalyn asks to be paid in advance.

Calvin is upset Mom and Dad left them with the baby sitter. Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she remembers how they threatened to flush Rosalyn's notes down the toilet. Calvin laughs, calling it their finest moment. Rosalyn opens the door and tells Calvin to get ready for bed. Calvin protests that it's not even 6:30 yet. In bed, Hobbes says she remembers. Calvin says he's going to call the rescue squad.

Rosalyn shows Calvin there is nothing outside. Calvin closes the door behind her. He locks the door. He and Hobbes can watch TV and eat cookies until they're sick. Hobbes says this is the best they've ever been baby sat.

Rosalyn yells in for Calvin to let her inside. From the top window, Calvin taunts her by saying there's only a 50% chance of rain. Hobbes notices her trying to open the downstairs windows. Calvin already has locked them. Rosalyn looks in the window and tells Calvin to open the door. Calvin asks what's in Rosalyn's purse and says he's going to look.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin says this is fun. All the TV shows they aren't allowed to watch and a bag of cookies each. They hear a slam. Calvin wonders what it is. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified and wonders how she got in. Mom and Dad come up behind Rosalyn. Calvin gulps and decides it's past his bedtime.

In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he got in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes, making Mom and Dad late, locking Rosalyn out of the house. Calvin says that's a lot to live down for just one evening. He feels pretty bad. Hobbes adds that having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help.

Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes he had more friends, but people are such jerks. Calvin says if you can get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find one person you really like, you're lucky. He adds that if that person can stand you, you're really lucky. Hobbes asks what if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning. They stop to eat their lunch. They sit up against a tree and eat their apples. Calvin supposes there's no point in being greedy.

Calvin comes home and is pounced on by Hobbes. They're fighting as Susie asks what he's doing. She says he didn't even change out of his school clothes. Calvin explains that this maniac is so glad to see him that he blasts out like a big orange torpedo. A dog will wag its tail, but a tiger has to pounce on you. Susie asks if Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin says Hobbes enjoys the treachery and cunning of it all. He says it's their evil nature. Susie points out that Hobbes is just sitting there. Calvin says it's a big disguise. No one can fathom the savage mind of a jungle cat. He's a killer to the core. Susie walks off wishing her parents would move. Her diary gets weirder every day. Calvin looks at Hobbes and cocks his fist. He says to wipe off that grin or he'll do it for him.

Hobbes is lying on the floor with Calvin leaning against him. Calvin heard that big cats don't purr. Hobbes says that's true. They're too fierce and ferocious. Calvin asks what he calls the noise he makes when his tummy gets rubbed. Hobbes replies it's growling friendly-like.

Calvin calls Valley Hardware looking for blasting caps, detonators, timers, and wire. They only have wire. He asks if they rent bulldozers or backhoes. He tells them a rototiller won't do. He asks about wrecking balls. They can't help Calvin. He walks outside and tells Hobbes it looks like another boring day.

Calvin can't sleep, he's been thinking. Hobbes asks about what. Calvin wonders what happens if there is no afterlife. That would mean this life is all you get. That would mean he's sitting in bed as precious moments of his all-too-short life disappear forever. Mom wakes Dad asking if he hears the television on.

Calvin is reading in the chair. He hears something say "heh, heh, heh". He looks behind the chair. He tells Hobbes he sees him sneaking up to pounce on him. Hobbes says "phooey". Calvin tells him he sees why most tigers don't chuckle to themselves.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to play a game he invented. It's called "gross out". Hobbes should say the grossest thing he can think of, then Calvin tries to come up with something grosser. Whoever has the grossest thing gets a point. They play until someone gets 50 points. Hobbes says he thinks he already know who will win. Calvin says nobody has ever played a whole game with him.

Calvin tells Hobbes he has to write a report for school. It's on bats. Calvin can't think of anything more stupid. He says he doesn't know anything about bats. How's he supposed to write a report on something he knows nothing about? Hobbes says he supposes research is out of the question. Calvin says he's going to learn about bats, then write a report? Give him a break!

Calvin calls Susie. He asks her what her topic for the report is. It's elephants. Calvin asks if she's going to the library to do research on elephants. Susie is. Calvin asks while she's there if she wouldn't mind researching bats, too, and make copies of all the information she finds, underline the important parts, and outline it so he doesn't have to read it. Calvin comes back to his bedroom. Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin, with a frown, says he really loathes girls.

Calvin asks Dad why old photographs are black and white. He asks if they didn't have color film back then. Dad tells him they did, but the world was black and white then. He says the world didn't turn color until the 1930's. Calvin says that's weird. Dad says truth is stranger than fiction. Calvin then asks why old paintings are in color. If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Dad says a lot of great artists were insane. Calvin asks how they could have painted in color. Their paints would have been shades of gray. Dad says the paints turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. Calvin then asks why old black and white photos didn't turn color. Dad says because they were color pictures of black and white. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes the world is a complicated place. Hobbes says whenever it seems that way, he takes a nap in a tree and waits for dinner.

Calvin asks Hobbes to help him with his bat report. Hobbes suggests starting with what they know. Hobbes asks what bats are. Calvin asks if they're bugs. He has Hobbes write that down. Hobbes asks if he's sure they're bugs. Calvin says they fly, they're ugly and hairy. He tries hurrying Hobbes, saying this is taking all day.

Calvin thinks they have enough information. Hobbes tells him they only have the one fact Calvin made up. Calvin says that's plenty. By the time they add an introduction, a few illustrations, and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, he has a secret weapon that guarantees a good grade. No teacher can resist it. It's a clear plastic binder. Pretty professional looking, eh? Hobbes says he doesn't want coauthor credit on the report.

Calvin complains to Hobbes about what the teacher wrote on his report. She says he obviously did no research whatsoever and that his scientific illustration looks like he traced the Batman logo and added fangs. Hobbes says she's pretty perceptive. Calvin says she didn't even give him credit for the professional, clear plastic binder. Hobbes asks what his parents have to say. Calvin replies nothing. He says with Hobbes' help, it will stay that way. He has a shovel in his hand, and he's digging a hole for the report.

Calvin believes history is a force. Its tide sweeps all people and institutions along its path. Everything and everyone serve history's single purpose. Hobbes asks what that purpose is. Calvin says to produce him, of course. He's the end result of history. Calvin says thousands of generations lived and died to produce his exact, specific parents, whose reason for being was to produce him. Calvin goes on to say all history has been spent preparing the world for his presence. Hobbes thinks four and a half billion years probably wasn't long enough. Calvin says he's here, and history is vindicated. Hobbes asks what he's going to do, now that history's brought him. They sit at home watching cartoons on the television.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin says he was reading how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Calvin continues by saying the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

In bed, Calvin wonders why man was put on earth. He asks what's their purpose. Why are they here? Hobbes tells him "tiger food". Hobbes then smiles at Calvin. Lying back down in bed, Calvin peeks over at Hobbes.

Hobbes is lying asleep on the floor. Calvin walks by blowing a gum bubble. It pops, and Hobbes jumps into the air. Calvin, lying on the floor all torn up, asks Hobbes if he's a little high-strung. Hobbes tells him tigers call it lightning quick reflexes.

Calvin is dragging the sled, but there's no snow on the ground. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin says he plans an appeal to the snow demons. He says they're tormenting them with wimpy weather because they're angry. Calvin is going to lie on his sled and think snow thoughts until the snow demons have mercy and unleash a blizzard. Calvin says a rhyme about it snowing. Hobbes looks at the sky. He walks away and says he'll come out in January to see how he's doing. Calvin tells him to let Mom know he'll need his meals out there and that he won't be going to school tomorrow.

Calvin tells Hobbes he missed the show. He tells him he got a big lecture because he got stuck on the ceiling and then grew so big he fell off the planet when he should have been doing math. Hobbes doesn't think that isn't fair. Calvin asks for help on his homework. Hobbes says tigers are good at math. He asks what the little horizontal lines mean. Calvin tells him it's a minus sign. He tells Hobbes to let him know when he's done. Calvin is going to be reading comic books.

Calvin is mailing his Christmas list to Santa. It's costing $2.40 to send. Calvin says Santa had better read it carefully. Last year, he didn't get half of what he wanted. Hobbes asks Calvin if he behaved better this year. Calvin says he's been a veritable angel this year, like always. Hobbes says in that case, they can have a cookout with his stocking contents. Hobbes asks if Calvin put anything on his list for him. Calvin tells him to make his own list. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and tells Calvin "tidings of comfort and joy to you too". Calvin tells him it's every man for himself in this world. But since Calvin can't reach the mail box flap to open it, he tells Hobbes to give him a boost.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he wants to play outside. Calvin goes into great detail why he doesn't. He'd have to get up, get a coat, put on his hat, they'd run around and get tired. Then, he'd have to come in and take it all off again. Hobbes asks what he'll do. Calvin says he's going to sit in the chair until a good TV show comes on. Hobbes walks off saying he'll tell Mom and Dad to point him toward the light and water him periodically. Calvin tells him that instead of making smart remarks, he could get Calvin the remote control.

It has snowed overnight. Calvin walks out into it. He says a mountain of ice has crushed half the neighborhood. It's a glacier in his own town. Wooly mammoths walk about. Calvin declares a new Ice Age. He pulls out his sled. There has really only been one...lousy...half...inch. Hobbes tells Calvin the sun is coming out.

Calvin tells Hobbes he hates this time of year. He has two more weeks to be good if he wants Christmas goodies. He says he tries to be good. He says his heart is pure as the driven snow. He says sometimes events beyond his control conspire against him. Hobbes rolls his eyes, and Calvin catches him. They start fighting. Calvin says Hobbes' eyes will be rolling toward each other when he's through with him. Hobbes counters by saying he hopes Calvin asked Santa for some crutches.

Still fighting, Calvin calls Hobbes a miscreant. He asks if Hobbes questions his integrity. Hobbes replies he can't question it until he sees some evidence of it. Calvin stops and realizes he's been fighting. Calvin yells to Santa that Hobbes made him fight. Hobbes yells that Calvin meant to fight and that Calvin started it. They start fighting again, calling each other liars.

Calvin stops again and tells Hobbes that since no one saw them fighting, it can be their little secret. He says Santa doesn't have to know about this. Hobbes isn't sure if Santa does or not. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes. Hobbes replies that Calvin bit and kicked. Calvin says he apologized and wonders what else Hobbes wants. Hobbes says Calvin could let him read all his comic books. Calvin replies "Over my dead body". Hobbes pretends to write Santa a note about what Calvin did today.

Calvin tells Hobbes that if it wasn't so close to Christmas, he'd pound him good. Hobbes wants to see him try. Calvin won't be tempted. He wants every item on his Christmas list, so he's being good. Hobbes mentions Susie Derkins is coming. Calvin looks for a pine cone to throw at her. He stops, clenches his teeth, and says he's going to be good. Hobbes says he'll never make it to Christmas. He might as well give up now and enjoy himself.

Susie asks Calvin if he's bringing Hobbes to school. Calvin says Hobbes is just keeping him company while he waits for the bus. Calvin goes on to say Hobbes has been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage Calvin's Christmas by making Calvin be bad. Calvin tells Susie that he asked Santa for such great presents that he can withstand any temptation. Susie asks what he asked for. Calvin tells her a heat-seeking guided missile. He figures five minutes with one of those babies makes up for the whole rotten month.

Hobbes brings Calvin a letter from the "North Pole". Calvin opens the note and reads that he's a rotten little kid, he's obviously the naughtiest kid in the whole world, but he has seven days to get on the "good boy" list. The note suggests being kind to animals. Perhaps an animal who would like a snack soon, or one who could read his comic books sometime. It's signed "Santa Claws". Calvin recognizes the handwriting. It is from Hobbes. Calvin offers Hobbes a knuckle sandwich for a snack.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he'll help him write a book. Calvin says this book will be like historical fiction. He's writing a fictional autobiography. He tells Hobbes it's the story of his life with a lot of parts completely made up. Hobbes asks why he'd want to make up his whole life. Calvin replies that in his book, he has a flame thrower.

Calvin comes upon a sleeping Hobbes. Calvin says a poem. "Still and quiet feline form, in the sun asleep and warm, his tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, man what could make this cat so pooped". He walks off. Hobbes thinks "sheeshh".

Calvin tells Dad he's making a newspaper to report the events of the household. He asks Dad to help him out either by giving him fifteen bucks to pay labor and production costs or to be the subject of a comic strip, "Dopey Dad". Under his blanket at night, using a flashlight, Calvin and Hobbes are drawing the comic strip. Calvin has Dopey Dad yelling "It's bed time for you, young man". Hobbes chuckles about how big he made the mouth.

Dad asks Calvin what story he'd like to hear. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad wants to read something different. Calvin insists. Dad says he's going to read a different story that Calvin will like. Calvin says he won't like it. He threatens to stay awake until morning unless Dad reads Hamster Huey. Afterward, Hobbes tells Calvin he doesn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that sarcastic tone of voice. Calvin doesn't remember Hamster Huey doing everything so fast.

Calvin and Hobbes are lying on the floor, by the Christmas tree and the fireplace. There is a poem about Christmas Eve. It reads the tree is decorated festively, Christmas songs play on the radio, his tiger is fast asleep, he turns to warm whatever's not hot. He gives his friend a gentle hug. Tomorrow is what he's waiting for, but he can wait a little more.

Calvin and Hobbes are under the Christmas tree. Hobbes gives Calvin a present. He picked it out himself. It's three cans of salmon. Calvin thanks Hobbes for the gift. Calvin feels bad because he didn't get Hobbes anything. Hobbes suggests Calvin give him back the gift. Calvin does, and Hobbes thanks him. They exchange Christmas wishes.

Calvin and Hobbes are at the top of "Pallbearer Peak" with their sled. Calvin talks about the horror of the descent, the thousand foot vertical drop onto a boulder field lined with pricker bushes. It's a journey calculated to exceed the human capacity for blinding fear. Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ready to go, and Hobbes says yes. They get up and walk off with their sled in hand.

A snowball flies over Calvin's head. He turns and says he sees Hobbes. He says Hobbes is a lousy shot. The next snowball smacks Calvin right in the face. Hobbes comes over and says he just threw the first one so Calvin would turn around.

Calvin and Hobbes are walking across the snow covered field. Hobbes says a new decade is coming up. Calvin says big deal. Calvin asks where are the flying cars, the moon colonies, the personal robots, and zero gravity boots. He scoffs that this is the future. He asks where are the rocket packs, disintegration rays, and floating cities. Hobbes isn't so sure people have the brains to manage the technology they have.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is making any New Year resolutions. Calvin asks what he's implying. He thinks he's perfect the way he is. He rants on about staying like this, and everyone can get used to it. It's a free country. He doesn't need anyone's permission to be the way he wants. He says life is too short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how he should be. Everyone can stay out of his face. He turns around to see Hobbes has left. Calvin grumbles that Hobbes should resolve to be more attentive when someone is speaking.

Calvin looks down the hill. He and Hobbes are at the top of the hill with their sled. Calvin says that before going down a steep hill, one should always give his sled a safety check. Seat belts and signals? Hobbes says none. Brakes and steering? Hobbes says none. Down the hill they go, yelling "Wheeeeee" as they slide down.

Calvin and Hobbes come in from the snow. Calvin says this is the part of winter he likes. You come inside cold and soaked, you put on dry clothes and go into the kitchen, where Mom has a steaming mug of hot chocolate waiting for you. He calls for Mom, but there's no answer. Hobbes reads a note that says Mom is next door. She writes for him not to eat anything or he'll spoil his appetite. Calvin says this is going to be a long, cold, dark winter.

Calvin declares himself a genius. He has loaded snowballs onto his toboggan. He sees Susie building a snowman down the hill. He plans to zip down and pelt her silly with the snowballs. He tells Hobbes to steer, while he throws. Susie hears them coming. Calvin is telling Hobbes to steer closer. Then, they're too close. Calvin calls "Mayday". PIFF! They run into Susie's snowman. Calvin, lying in the snow, says another genius is thwarted by an incapable assistant. Susie has the head of her snowman in her hands above her head. She tells Calvin to look up.

Calvin asks Hobbes to look at his newest invention. It's a box, sitting open on its side. Hobbes asks if that isn't Calvin's transmogrifier. Calvin says that it was, but he made some modifications. It's now a duplicator. It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier. Instead of a reproduction on paper, you get a real duplicate. Hobbes asks if their financial worries are now over. Calvin tells him counterfeiting is just one of its many uses around the home.

Hobbes asks if Calvin has tested his duplicator yet. Calvin is ready to. Hobbes asks what they should duplicate first. Calvin volunteers himself. He says Mom wants him to clean his room, so he can duplicate himself and let the duplicate do the work. Hobbes says he can picture the looks on his parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Calvin thinks he can make a whole baseball team this summer.

Calvin tells Hobbes to push the button to duplicate him. Hobbes isn't so sure he should. Calvin criticizes Hobbes as a doubting Thomas getting in the way of scientific advancement with their stupid ethical questions. Hobbes says he'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress, so he pushes the button. BOINK! Hobbes asks if scientific progress goes boink. Inside the box, Calvin says that it worked and he's a genius. Another voice calls Calvin a liar and says he invented it.

Calvin introduces his duplicate. Hobbes isn't sure he's ready for this. Calvin tells his duplicate that he and Hobbes are going out to play. The duplicate will clean Calvin's room and do his homework. The duplicate doesn't like that. He runs off, telling Calvin to find another sucker to do his dirty work. Hobbes comments on how he is a duplicate of Calvin, all right. Calvin asks what he means. He says the duplicate is a total jerk.

Calvin and Hobbes leave the bedroom to look for the duplicate. Mom is putting a coat on the duplicate, who keeps telling Mom that he's not Calvin. He says Calvin is in his bedroom. Mom opens the bedroom door and shows there is no one there. She tells him no more games and to clean his room. Calvin is getting his coat on to check outside for the duplicate. Hobbes says they better hurry. He hears Mom coming down the stairs.

Mom sees Calvin outside. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies no. Mom brings him inside and says she did tell him to clean the room. She says she's losing patience for this game. Calvin tells Hobbes she must have seen his duplicate. They go to find the duplicate before he can cause any more trouble. In the bedroom, another duplicate walks out of the duplicator. Number two introduces himself to number three.

Calvin and Hobbes run up the stairs. Calvin says Mom must have sent his duplicate upstairs. Hobbes says this is turning into a mess. Calvin complains that the duplicate gets in trouble, but he gets the blame. They're horrified as they open the bedroom door. Hobbes says Calvin's duplicator is a big success as he looks at five duplicate Calvins. One of them says the duplicator burned out after the fifth one.

Calvin is horrified to see his duplicate made duplicates. Calvin wonders what he should do. Hobbes suggests telling Mom to put out extra table settings. Calvin tells the duplicates they have to stay in the room and keep quiet. None of the duplicates want to do that. Calvin says that since he's the original, they have to do what he says. The duplicates suggest putting it to a vote.

One of the duplicates is going to get some cookies. One of them is going outside. Another one wonders what's on TV. Calvin tells them Mom will see them. One of the duplicates says that as long as they split up, every time Mom sees one of them, she'll think they're Calvin. The duplicates laugh and walk off. Calvin calls them a bunch of devious little stinkers. He wonders where they learned to misbehave that way. Hobbes thinks they should check into a hotel until this is over.

Mom, Dad, and Calvin are walking outside. Calvin complains that his toes are numb. Dad tells him numb toes build character. Calvin asks if frostbite, hypothermia, and death build character too. He says this is the worst day of his life. He says it seems like they've been walking for hours. Mom asks him to quit griping. Calvin says he's not griping. He's just observing what a miserable experience this walk is. He complains that as long as he's trudging hundreds of miles for no apparent reason, he might as well do it in silence. He continues ranting about being in the elements like a complete idiot, watching his digits turn to ice and fall off. They finally get home. Calvin grabs his toboggan and runs to play.

Calvin tells Hobbes they need to get rid of the duplicates. All they do is get him in trouble. Calvin says everyone thinks he's doing all these rotten things, when it's really a duplicate. He's being framed by his own doubles. A bunch of duplicates run past Calvin, saying "run" and "hide". Hobbes says it appears Calvin has perpetrated another crime. Calvin complains that the worst part is that he doesn't even have the fun of doing the stuff he's getting blamed for.

Calvin stands looking at the snow, saying everything looks so pretty. He says it's his favorite time of the year. A shadow falls over Calvin. He looks up to see Hobbes. WUMPH! They tumble in the snow and roll down the hill. Covered with snow, Hobbes says this is his favorite time of the year. The new snow muffles approaching footsteps. Also covered with snow, Calvin says he can't wait for spring.

Calvin is depressed that Mom read him the riot act. Hobbes whispers a suggestion to Calvin, who smiles. From under the box, voices ask if Mom has left, if the coast is clear, and whether they can come out. Hobbes says Mom is coming back again. Calvin tells the duplicates to be quiet. Calvin calls Hobbes a genius, as Calvin changes the wording on the box from duplicator to transmogrifier.

Calvin says so long to the duplicates. From under the box, they start to say they're not going anywhere. Calvin turns on the transmogrifier. ZAP! Hobbes asks what he changed them into. Calvin tells him worms. He says he didn't want them to be unhappy.

Calvin tells Hobbes that they learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. Hobbes asks what that lesson is. Calvin thinks about it, but can't come up with anything. As they walk off, Calvin says "So we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me". Hobbes replies "Live and don't learn. That's us".

Calvin aims and throws a snowball. He's angered when his target says he missed by a mile. Calvin storms over. Hobbes is there, and Calvin tells him he's lucky Calvin didn't get that snow blower for Christmas.

Sledding down the hill, Calvin says television validates existence. The sled ride is fleeting and elusive. By tomorrow, they will have forgotten it, and it may as well have not happened. If they were on TV, countless viewers would share in the event and confirm it. This sled ride would become part of mass consciousness. On TV, the impact of an event is determined by the image, not its substance. With strong visuals, their sled ride could make them cultural icons. Instead of being boring ol' Calvin and Hobbes, they could be "Calvin and Hobbes - as seen on TV". They fly off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says at this moment, he likes his anonymity. Calvin thinks they should go for the high-brow public TV audience.

Susie stands in the snow saying winter has wrapped the land in a soft, white blanket, and the earth sleeps quietly. Suddenly, she hears yelling coming down the hill. It's Calvin, yelling at Hobbes to lean, yelling "look out below", "mayday", and "bail out". Calvin's sled crashes. He yells at Hobbes for almost getting them killed. They start fighting. Susie walks away, saying that when she grows up, she'll live in the tropics. Hobbes tells Calvin to get the sled out of the tree so they can do it again. Calvin wants to get a siren for the sled.

Calvin and Hobbes are covered with snow, their sled stuck into the ground. They stomp along, still covered with snow. They're both frowning as they take their coats off and brush off the snow. They both stomp along, still frowning. Hobbes points to the page in the dictionary. He says he told Calvin that starboard is right, and port is left. Calvin concedes that he was wrong for once in his life and tells Hobbes to shut up.

Calvin throws a snowball, but misses. He laments his fuzzy mittens. He complains the snow sticks to them, preventing him from throwing straight. As he packs another snowball, he says he hates his fuzzy mittens. If Mom had gotten him padded gloves instead of those mittens....WHAP! He's hit by a snowball. Hobbes walks over to the snow-covered Calvin, looks at his paws, and says that his fuzzy mittens have pads.

Susie happily builds a snowman. Calvin and Hobbes come rocketing down the hill on their sled. WUMP! The snowman goes down the hill on the sled. Susie, Calvin, and Hobbes are stacked up where the snowman used to be.

Calvin is building a snowman. He tells Hobbes that any dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like him to create art. He says his snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to express deeper truths about the human condition. His sculpture is about grief and suffering. He says one look at the tortured countenance of the figure confirms the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life. He says his work will endure and will inspire future generations. As they stand there, the sun starts to melt the snowman.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is making more snow art, since his snowman melted the day before. Calvin tells him that this time, he's taking advantage of the medium's impermanence. This sculpture is about transience. As the snowman melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. It speaks to the horror of our own mortality. Someone yells that it's too warm to build a snowman, and they laugh at Calvin. Hobbes says there is a philistine on the sidewalk. Calvin says genius is never understood in its own time.

Hobbes asks how Calvin's snow art is coming. Calvin says he's moved into abstraction. His piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, he's free to express himself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. Hobbes notices Calvin's oeuvre is monochromatic. Calvin replies that it's just snow.

Calvin is eating and tells Mom that the pudding was great. He wants to take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes. Mom says he's had enough. Calvin clarifies that he was going to give it to Hobbes. Mom says Hobbes doesn't need any pudding. Mom says tigers need to stay lean and mean. Calvin explains to Hobbes that's what Mom said. Hobbes checks his torso and says he's lean and mean. He tells Calvin to tell Mom the chocolate pudding makes his coat lustrous.

Calvin and Hobbes sit by the fireplace. Suddenly, it gets too warm. They dash away from the fire. They lie down and feel the sizzle as they cool off. Back to the fire they go. Calvin says if there's more to life than this, he doesn't know what it is.

On the toboggan, Calvin asks if Hobbes is set. Hobbes is carrying a camera. Down the hill they go. Calvin tells Hobbes to get ready. They smash into a rock and fly into the air. Calvin yells "Now", and Hobbes snaps the picture. Coming back up the hill covered with snow, Calvin tells Hobbes it's too bad the camera opened when they landed. That would have been a great picture.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Calvin claims a double-word score. Hobbes complains that "ZQFMGB" isn't a word. Calvin tells him it's a worm found in New Guinea. Hobbes says he's going to look it up. Calvin says if he does, he's going to look up the 12-letter word Hobbes played with all the X's and J's. Hobbes asks Calvin what his score for the word is. Calvin replies "957".

Calvin is watching TV, and Mom tells him he can't watch anymore TV until his homework is finished. Calvin says it's getting done. Hobbes is reading his book for him. Calvin explains that he'll watch TV, Hobbes will tell him what the book was about, then Calvin will tell Hobbes what the TV show was about. They're doing twice as much in the same amount of time. Calvin walks back into the bedroom. He tells Hobbes that Mom said Hobbes should watch the TV and Calvin should read the book. Hobbes says he only likes nature documentaries.

Millions of years ago, the "ultrasaurs" wander the earth. Some weigh over 70 tons. Even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants. A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a stampede. It's a Calvinosaurus. Named after the renowned paleontologist who discovered it, the Calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bite. Calvin, digging a hole, says he never finds anything. Hobbes thinks it looks like he hit the sewer pipe.

Calvin hands Hobbes a deck of cards. He says to throw them into the air, and he'll plug the ace of spades. Hobbes is thrilled to see a shooting trick. Up the cards go. BLAM! BAM! POW! ZING! BLOOIE! BANG! Hobbes grabs the ace of spades and finds six holes in it. Calvin tells Hobbes how he did it. He used a hole puncher ahead of time. Dad, Mom, and a friend are playing cards. Dad decides he'll fold. The friend, holding the ace of spades with six holes in it, asks what's with this deck.

Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. Calvin launches into a long speech about a dream he had. He could flap his arms and was able to fly. He zoomed over the neighborhood. His eyes watered from the wind. He laughed and laughed as he made loops in the sky. Then, Mom woke him up and said he'd miss the bus if he didn't get up. Twenty minutes later, he's standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and he just remembered he forgot his lunch. He tells Hobbes Tuesday's don't start much worse than this.

Hobbes is sleeping when Calvin approaches him using baby-talk. He asks if Hobbes is sleepy. Calvin says "hewwo" and calls Hobbes a snoogie-woogie. Hobbes awakens with a start and clomps down on Calvin's head with his mouth. Calvin yells for his bloodthirsty carnivore to let go of him. They fight. Calvin walks off saying he can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular.

A meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes is accused of heresy. Calvin explains Hobbes made an undisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of the club. Hobbes wants the record to show Calvin is a nincompoop. Calvin charges him with insubordination. Hobbes, as court stenographer, refuses to enter the verdict. He promotes himself to "El Tigre Numero Uno". Calvin promotes himself. Hobbes writes "Hobbes equals great" in the club notebook. That makes it law. Calvin takes the notebook. Hobbes takes Calvin's Supreme Dictator hat. They fight, then declare a truce. Calvin says this is a great club, but it's too bad they don't have more members. Hobbes says maybe they should allow Susie to join.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree. Calvin says he asked Mom if he was a gifted child. Mom had replied she certainly wouldn't have paid for him. He tells Hobbes he can relate this little story when reporters ask how he went bad.

Calvin is lying on his bed reading a comic book. Dad asks how his math is coming. Calvin informs him that he doesn't do math anymore. He's more of a "visual" person. Dad tells him to visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Calvin is doing his homework and Hobbes comes over to ask if he's visualizing sums now. Grumpily, Calvin tells him he's visualizing Hobbes in traction.

Calvin tells Hobbes he'll give him 20 questions to guess what's in his hand. Hobbes asks if it's loathsome. Calvin says yes. Hobbes asks if it's a big centipede with poison pinchers. Calvin asks if they really have poison pinchers. Hobbes thinks so. Calvin jumps into Hobbes' arms and says it's a good thing he guessed so fast. Hobbes replies that with Calvin, it's never too difficult.

Hobbes wakes up, stretches, scratches an ear, then lies back down. Calvin says Hobbes has a rough life. He asks what Hobbes has done today. After Calvin walks away, Hobbes thinks "people".

Mom is looking for Calvin. She checks under his bed and yells for him to come out from where he's hiding and to take a bath. She yells that she means NOW! She sees Calvin and is horrified. He yells for him to get off the rug. Calvin, sitting in the bathtub, is black from head to toe. Calvin tells Hobbes it's not his fault Mom hasn't gotten the chimney swept.

Calvin runs around happily, saying he saw the first robin of spring. He figures he'll get a front-page write up in the paper, a commemorative plaque, and a civic ceremony. He wonders if he should put the money in a trust fund or spend it all at once. Mom gets his attention. Calvin is sitting under a tree with Hobbes. Calvin tells him it's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in. Hobbes tells him to cheer up. He asks if he told Calvin that he saw a robin yesterday.

Calvin tells Hobbes how much he likes his Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He shows Hobbes how brown the milk gets. Calvin points out something on the nutritional label. Hobbes notices the cereal provides 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine. Calvin notices an offer to send for a "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll on the side panel of the box.

Hobbes is lying on the floor, and Calvin starts playing with his toes saying "eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by the toe". Hobbes opens an eye. Calvin continues saying "if he hollers.." as Hobbes starts to rise with an angry look on his face. Calvin walks off all scuffed up saying who writes these dumb things anyway.

Calvin runs off the school bus, yelling that he's free. He opens the front door. He stands horrified as he sees what's coming. Climbing out of the trench they just created, Hobbes cheerily tells Calvin that was a good one. He tells Calvin to look how far they landed. Calvin, buried in the dirt, says that a house with a tiger is never a home.

Mom asks Calvin how he could get so dirty at school. Calvin tells her it wasn't from school that he got dirty. He says Hobbes was waiting for him. Mom tells him to take a bath. Calvin protests because it's the middle of the afternoon. As Mom pushes Calvin toward the bathroom, she says she has to take a shower so Dad can take one when he gets home. Calvin wonders if there's some epidemic going around. Mom reminds Calvin that she told him that morning that she and Dad were going out that night. Rosalyn will be watching him tonight. Calvin is horrified.

In the tub, Calvin asks Hobbes what they're going to do since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes asks if Rosalyn will remember how they locked her outside last time. Calvin says she'll probably put his head on a stake in the front yard as a warning. Hobbes is sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Calvin tells Hobbes that they're in trouble unless they think of something fast. Hobbes suggests they could try being good. Calvin tells Hobbes he must have gotten some water in his ear. He asks Hobbes what he said. Hobbes tells Calvin to forget it.

Calvin is in a bad mood. Hobbes is lying on the floor in Calvin's path. Calvin tells him to move. He asks if Hobbes thinks he has all day. Hobbes slowly stands up. Calvin says he's coming through. He tries pushing Hobbes out of the way. Calvin says when he says move, he expects Hobbes to jump. He pushes Hobbes, trying to get him to move. Hobbes picks Calvin up. He takes him away. Calvin demands an explanation, then sees the mud hole. Calvin is covered in mud. He yells "See why I'm in such a bad mood".

Calvin tells Hobbes that if they get out of line once, Rosalyn will kill them. Then, when Mom and Dad return, they'll get killed again. Hobbes says that's that. Calvin refuses to admit defeat. He runs into the closet saying things look grim for them, but not for .....Stupendous Man! Champion of liberty, foe of tyranny. Hobbes tells Calvin he's going to get into bed now and avoid the rush.

Rosalyn is outside with a flashlight looking for Calvin. Stupendous Man, in his treehouse, plans his strategy. Calvin goes back inside to his bedroom. He tells Hobbes that he made a stupendous dash when Rosalyn went around the house. He says she still doesn't know where he is.

Hobbes notices Rosalyn going around the house again. She still doesn't know Calvin is inside. Calvin changes from Stupendous Man back into Calvin. Rosalyn has seen the bedroom light and comes inside. Calvin tells Hobbes to get in the covers and pretend they've been reading in bed. Hobbes reminds Calvin that Rosalyn knows he attacked her and ran outside. Calvin says that was Stupendous Man. He's been in bed in his PJ's since 8:00. Hobbes asks if he thinks she's going to believe that. Calvin tells him his covers are here and his pajamas are here. It's as plain as can be.

Rosalyn comes into the room. Calvin tells her he's been there all the time. Rosalyn tells him he snuck outside, took off his costume, and jumped in bed. She says he's going to get it now. Calvin thumbs his hands at Rosalyn asking what she can do since he's already in bed. She grabs Calvin and tells him to get downstairs. Calvin protests, saying he needs his sleep.

Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to explain what happened tonight. He tells her he put on his pajamas at 8:00, brushed his teeth, and went straight to bed. Mom asks about the note Rosalyn left. Calvin says she made him write it up to get him in trouble. He says Rosalyn hates kids. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin "Nice try, Pinocchio". Calvin asks who would've thought Rosalyn would make him write a full confession.

Calvin complains that he can't watch TV for a week. He says they think they've won, but he'll show them. He refuses to learn a lesson. They can't change him. He sits on the floor in front of the TV and says he's going to sit there all week, even though he can't turn it on.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out to the highway. Calvin wants to put on his roller skates, tie a rope around himself to the car bumper, and skate along behind at 55 mph. Calvin asks again if they can go. Up on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes Hobbes could drive.

Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's noticed decisions make chain reactions. Calvin says each decision they make determines the range of choices they'll face next. Coming to a fork in the road, Calvin chooses to go left. As a result of that decision, they're faced with jumping the ledge or riding along the side of it. If they hadn't turned left at the fork, this new choice would never have come up. Hobbes notes with some dismay, Calvin has chosen to jump the ledge. Hobbes asks if they should bail out or die in the landing. Calvin says that shows their first decision created a chain reaction of decisions. He decides they should jump. Lying in the stream, Calvin says if you don't make each decision carefully, you never know where you'll end up. Hobbes wishes they could talk about these things without the visual aids.

Calvin tells Hobbes he signed up to play baseball at recess, even though he doesn't like it that much. Calvin likes playing with Hobbes, because they get to do everything. Hobbes admits he likes the part when they argue over the rules. Calvin figures it will be boring playing the game the way it's supposed to be played. Hobbes asks if Calvin even knows the right way to play. Calvin asks what happens if they make him a halfback. He wonders if he can tackle the shortstop or not.

Dad asks what story Calvin wants tonight. He wants a story about Hobbes and him. Dad starts making up a story about them getting up at the crack of dawn, making a huge ruckus, running up and sliding down the stairs. Calvin adds about the Big Bad Dad yelling at them and saying he'd mail them to Pluto third class if they didn't knock it off. Dad continues that Calvin went to rot out his innards with chocolate cereal and rot his brain watching cartoons. Calvin doesn't want editorials. Dad continues that Calvin and Hobbes went outside, and it was nice and quiet in the house for a while. He tells Calvin good night. Calvin complains that's not the end. Dad gives Calvin a kiss and says he's right. That isn't the end of the story. The story doesn't have an end. He and Hobbes will write more of it tomorrow and every day after. But for now, it's time to sleep. Calvin says that was a good story. Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a good night.

Calvin tells Hobbes his nose stopped bleeding, so he'll have to go to school tomorrow. Calvin says his life's a disaster. He says he gets hurt learning the skills to play a game he doesn't want to. Hobbes asks if Calvin's nose is clogged, and Calvin says yes. Hobbes says if Calvin snores, he's going to tilt the bed so Calvin rolls out the window. Calvin is glad he has a sympathetic friend to talk to.

Calvin returns home and remembers how Hobbes pounces on him. He gets an idea to make a broomstick Calvin to fool Hobbes. He sets the stick Calvin on the porch and calls "I'm home". Hobbes opens the door, grabs the fake Calvin, then asks if he can read Calvin's comic books. Calvin ties to open the door, but it's locked. He hears Hobbes ask to draw mustaches on all the superheroes. Calvin sits on the front porch saying he'll get him for this if it takes his whole life.

Up in the tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't understand. When he didn't play, the other kids teased him. When he did play, the other kids teased him. Then the coach called him a quitter when he stopped playing. Calvin says unless you're a star, you can't please anyone. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just please himself. Calvin replies that Mom won't let him move to Madagascar.

Hobbes says it's Saturday and wants to know what Calvin wants to do. Calvin says anything but an organized sport. Hobbes asks if he wants to play Calvinball. Hobbes says no sport is less organized than Calvinball. Calvin calls a new rule. If you don't touch the 30 yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot.

Sitting at his table doing homework, Calvin says he doesn't want to do it. He wants to have fun. He runs off, and is sitting in his wagon with Hobbes when Mom comes out and stands over them. Back at his table, Calvin complains that too much stress is unhealthy. Hobbes, slumped beside him, says he doesn't see why he had to come in.

Calvin dreams he is flying when his alarm clock goes off. Mom has Calvin get out of bed. He stands in the rain waiting for the school bus. He's bored at school while a duck quacks outside. He doesn't like his lunch. Moe extorts money from him. He gets an "F" on a paper. He walks home in the rain. Hobbes pounces on him and hugs him. Mom, picking up his wet clothes, asks if Calvin had a good day. Calvin, carrying Hobbes, says it's getting better.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's come up with a new system for doing homework. He calls it "Effective Time Management", or "ETM" for short. He's drawn up a schedule of each school subject. He uses a kitchen timer to monitor his pace. Calvin says that thanks to ETM, he's much more efficient. The timer rings. Calvin says his math minute is up. He tells Hobbes to set the timer for his spelling assignment. Hobbes says his schedule calls for smaller time increments than the timer can measure.

Calvin is reading a book and asks Hobbes what a "Paper Tiger" is. Hobbes explains that it's a tiger with a newspaper route. Calvin continues to read, but says this book makes no sense at all.

Calvin tells Hobbes that he got in trouble when Mom found out he had just left school. She drove him back, and they had a talk with his teacher and the principal. They discussed his study habits, and now he has extra homework. Dad's going to check it every night to make sure it's right. He hands the book to Hobbes and tells him to do an extra good job. Hobbes tells him he's lucky tigers are so smart.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing Calvinball. Calvin sneaks out from behind a tree and steals Hobbes' flag. Hobbes hits him with the Calvin ball. He has to sing the "I'm very sorry" song. Calvin protests he was in the "no song" zone. Hobbes corrects him, as he had touched the "opposite pole", so now the "no song zone" is a "song zone". Calvin complains that Hobbes didn't declare it. Hobbes says he declared it oppositely by not declaring it. Calvin starts singing, and Hobbes joins in. When they're finished, Calvin says he gets free passage to wicket five. Hobbes tells him they did that last time. Calvin makes up a new rule to jump until someone finds the bonus box. As they jump away, Calvin says the only permanent rule in Calvinball is that you can't play it the same way twice. Hobbes says the score is "Q to 12".

Hobbes is lying on the floor, sleeping. Calvin comes up and says "Twitching tufted tail, a toasty, tawny tummy: a tired tiger". He takes a bow for him alliterative haiku. Hobbes thinks "sheesh".

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's heard people say modern art is something "my six-year-old kid could do that". Calvin has decided to be a forger and get rich passing off fake paintings to museums. Since a lot of paintings sell for tens of millions of dollars, he'll make a pretty good hourly rate. Hobbes tells him he should probably scratch out the copyright date on the cartoon stationery. Calvin is glad Hobbes caught that.

Calvin asks Mom if she wants to see something neat. With his can of soda, he can burp for almost ten seconds straight. Mom doesn't think so. Calvin adds that at the same time, he'll recite a gross limerick he heard at school. Later, Hobbes wonders if it would have mattered if he recited the Gettysburg Address. Calvin says his talents are wasted on her kind.

Calvin starts a race between him and Hobbes. They slowly move. Calvin moves ahead. Hobbes tells him that he's going so slow, he's going backward. He says he's winning. Calvin tells him he's cheating.

Calvin shows Hobbes he has a baby tooth that's hanging on by a thread. Hobbes cringes. Calvin tells Mom that he can turn it all the way around with his tongue. Mom covers her mouth with her hands. Calvin shows Dad he can move the tooth from side to side. Dad covers his eyes and sticks his tongue out. Calvin looks in a mirror and says they're all just jealous.

Calvin readies his sled for a trip down the hill. He tells Hobbes life is like topography. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure. He's dedicating himself to only experiencing peaks. He wants his life to be one never ending ascension. Each minute should bring greater joy than the previous minute. As they sail off the hill, Calvin is saying he's going to jump from peak to peak. Tumbling down, Hobbes says with flat places, you don't have so far to go down. Calvin says only losers go down. He's only going up and up.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox. Calvin says yes. Hobbes isn't so sure, so he shows his claws to Calvin. Calvin wakes Mom up to ask if she's absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox.

Calvin shows Mom his chicken pox are going away. He tells Mom to remember that this week doesn't count. Mom asks what he means. He says summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. So he gets to go to school a week later to get his full allotment of vacation. Calvin and Hobbes are looking at a book. Calvin asks what the next amendments says. He knows it's in there someplace.

Calvin tells Hobbes they have to play outside. He says Dad won't let him watch TV. Dad says since it's summer, he should play outside and run around, instead of sitting in front of a tube. Calvin calls Dad a dictator. Hobbes says it's cruel to be forced to play. As Calvin climbs on his swing, he says he'll show him. He refuses to have fun.

Calvin and Hobbes are going to race to a tree. Hobbes says this one will determine the championship of the universe. Calvin asks how long they've been outside. Hobbes tells him an hour. Calvin races off saying where does the time go. He goes over to the window and tells Dad he's not having any fun.

Dad says it's getting dark, and he calls Calvin inside. Calvin was catching fire flies, and he wants to stay out longer. Dad says first Calvin didn't want to go out, now he doesn't want to come in. Dad tells him that by not watching TV, he had more fun and will have memories of something real he did instead of something fake that he watched. In bed, Calvin says nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.

Calvin and Hobbes are tumbling, drawing pictures, chasing a frog, in their treehouse, playing baseball, reading comic books, swinging, playing treasure hunt, and playing in the sandbox. Mom asks Calvin to empty a bag into the garage trash can. Calvin complains some vacation this summer is.

Calvin is in a box and tells Hobbes to hop in, they're going to get rich. Hobbes wants no part of it. He doesn't want to be transmogrified, duplicated, or whatever. Calvin reminds him that when the top is open, it's a time machine. Hobbes says that's even worse. Calvin chides him for being such a baby. He says the way Hobbes acts, the dinosaur actually got them last time. He says it wasn't even a carnivore. Hobbes doesn't care. He says Calvin and that box are plain bad news.

Calvin says it's too bad Hobbes isn't going back to the Jurassic period with him. Calvin says they're going on a photo safari. Hobbes says he can drop the "we" stuff. Calvin says he'll have to eat all these great snacks himself. Hobbes asks what kind of snacks and how many.

Hobbes figures if they're good snacks, it's okay to time travel. Calvin sets the dial for 140 million years ago, and off they go. Hobbes asks why they don't get younger as they travel back through time and disappear as they pass the day they're born. Calvin says he'd explain it, but there's a lot of math. Hobbes says he thought Calvin got a "D" in math.

Hobbes asks if it's time for snacks. Calvin explains they're traveling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse. He says to wait until they land. Hobbes offers to inventory the snacks. Calvin says he could help him drive. He's worried that if they miss their exit, they could fly into the big bang. He says there would be no universe, and probably no time. Hobbes thinks they should eat the snacks now.

They see a diplodocus. They're in the Jurassic. Hobbes can't believe Calvin wanted to come back. Calvin said last time, they forgot the camera. He figures they only need a few dinosaur photos, and they'll get rich when they get home. Hobbes thinks if they get in National Geographic, he can meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue. Calvin asks if they were females. He doesn't know how Hobbes can tell the difference.

They have a chance for pictures of stegosaurs. Calvin says these pictures will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior. Paleontologists will pay through the nose for these pictures. Hobbes points behind him to take the picture of the dinosaur that's smiling. It's a allosaurus! Calvin is busy looking the other way for his photo.

Calvin suggests a game of tossing a water balloon back and forth. Each time they catch it, they take a step back. Calvin throws the balloon to Hobbes. Calvin catches the return toss. He steps back and hits Hobbes with the balloon. He starts laughing at Hobbes, who stands there drenched. Hobbes picks Calvin up. He asks if Hobbes can't take a joke. He says he didn't do it on purpose. Hobbes dunks Calvin in the rain barrel. As he climbs out, Calvin says it's no fun to play games with a poor sport.

Hobbes asks what that ugly brute is called. Calvin is horrified when he sees it's an allosaur. Hobbes tells him he doesn't need to yell. He's standing right there. Calvin tells Hobbes to run. As they run, Calvin tells Hobbes that when they get to the time machine, throw the snacks they packed. It might divert him while they take off. Hobbes says Calvin can throw his snacks, but Hobbes might still want his. Calvin yells that he's going to be a snack himself. He yells to get in.

Calvin tells Hobbes to throw some food. Hobbes doesn't want to throw his sandwich. Hobbes finds a mushy banana that he throws to the dinosaur. Calvin says it was a close call, but it will be worth it when they develop their pictures. Hobbes asks if he can eat Calvin's sandwich, since he rescued it.

Calvin has the pictures from the Jurassic trip. The pictures came out great. Calvin says they can get their own apartment now. Calvin says he'll also buy a car, but since he can't drive for another decade, he'll get a chauffeur. Hobbes says that if they pay him, he'll have to let them sit up front and beep the horn.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad doesn't believe they went to the Jurassic period and took photographs of real dinosaurs. Calvin continues that Dad thinks they took toy dinosaurs and took pictures of those. Dad told Calvin that if he really wanted to make money, Dad would pay a dollar for Calvin to pull weeds out of the front walk. Calvin told him he didn't want the money that bad.

Riding down the hill in the sled, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ever noticed that the older people get, the slower they do things. Calvin wonders why that is. He figures that the less life you have left, you'd want to do everything faster so you could pack more in the remaining years. He tells Hobbes that when he's a geezer like Dad, he'll be going like a maniac.

Calvin is standing backward on the top of a ladder, his back to his wading pool. Hobbes is standing next to the pool yelling up at Calvin. He tells Calvin he better hurry, Mom's yelling something.

Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk. He tears off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper. At his size, folding the sheet is difficult, but Calvin's patience is rewarded. He makes a paper airplane, pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk. A gust from an open window sends Calvin across the house. Calvin leans to steer. He runs the paper plane into Dad. Sitting under a tree outside, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't need parents. All he needs is a recording that says "go play outside".

Calvin whispers down to Hobbes from a tree branch. Calvin tells him he's hiding from his killer bicycle. He says it can't climb trees, so he'll have to stay there the rest of his life. Hobbes tells him to wedge a big stick through the spokes of the front wheel. He explains when the stick hits the fork, the wheel will jam and the bike will flip over. Calvin comes down calling Hobbes a lifesaver. Hobbes suggests they could mosey over to the kitchen if Calvin wonders how he could possibly thank him enough.

Calvin runs up to Hobbes telling him he put the stick in the bicycle's spokes. Calvin says when it tried to chase him, it flipped over. Calvin says he then wrestled it to exhaustion and let the air out of its tires. He says that nasty ol' thing won't be coming after him anymore. He says they're too smart for it. Mom notices Dad putting training wheels on Calvin's bicycle. Dad says he pumped up the tires. They were both flat.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin hits it and runs the bases. Hobbes casually retrieves the ball as Calvin passes eleventh base. Hobbes walks with the ball. Calvin's going for home after touching twenty-fifth base. Hobbes tags Calvin out. Calvin, exhausted, thinks they need to change the rules.

At the table, Calvin and Hobbes call for a toast to them. Best friends forever. They both start munching their slices of toast.

Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin comes up and says a poem. It talks about his tiger running around nude. His fur coat lies on the floor. Is this a permanent change, or were the colors passe? Will he want it back, or should he use it for a rug? Calvin walks away, and Hobbes wonders when school starts.

Calvin laments people don't understand him. He says he's a card-carrying genius. He shows Hobbes his card, which reads "Calvin, certified genius". Hobbes is impressed that he has a certificate. Calvin admits that he doesn't, but says people don't check those things. He just says it's at the frame shop. Hobbes admits that's pretty smart. Calvin reminds him he's a genius. Hobbes looks at the card and wonders if Calvin embossed the card with a screwdriver.

Calvin tells Hobbes that ants run everywhere. It's like they think they have to be somewhere on time. Calvin shows the ants never walking, but always going top speed. He says that's silly. Calvin tells Hobbes to come around back, he wants to show him something else. Off they run.

Calvin asks Mom if he can get contact lenses. Mom tells him his eyes are fine, and that he doesn't need them. Calvin tells her they have some that change the color of your eyes. Mom says his eyes are pretty the way they are. Calvin tells her with contacts, he could make one eye red and the other yellow striped like a bug. Sitting on a log with Hobbes, Calvin says it seems once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

Mom and Dad sleepily open Calvin's bedroom door. He is sitting in bed with a pair of drums and a horn. He asks them if he has to have a reason for everything.

Sitting by the creek, taking his shoes off, Calvin tells Hobbes that when it's that hot, he doesn't want to do anything at all. As they sit in the water in the shady woods, he says that fortunately, that was their plan from the start.

With an evil grin, Calvin fills a water balloon. He waits behind a tree. Hobbes comes down from the tree, taps Calvin on the head, and asks Calvin if he's looking for someone. Calvin says yes, but for someone else, not for Hobbes. Hobbes gives him a theoretical question. If Calvin knew today was his last day on earth, what would he do different? He gets in Calvin's face and adds especially if, by doing something different, today might not be his last day on earth. Calvin looks at the water balloon. He walks off saying he doesn't think that question was very rhetorical at all.

Hobbes asks if Calvin gets hot wearing long pants in the summer. He asks why Calvin doesn't wear short pants. Calvin fumes. Hobbes asks what he said. Calvin angrily tells him that short pants touch his feet.

Hobbes hits the ball. Calvin runs up to make the catch, but the ball hits him on the head. He falls down, but the ball lands in his glove. Hobbes says they're both out.

Riding down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he likes toys that make a lot of racket. He complains the problem with the wagon is that it doesn't make much noise. They sail off the edge of the hill, yelling. As they roughly land, Calvin says that fortunately, they do.

Calvin is sitting on the floor, reading a comic book. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces down right in front of Calvin, startling him. Hobbes says "oops". As Hobbes walks off, Calvin says he just does that to show that he could have snuffed him.

Calvin tells Mom he's bored. Mom points out it's a beautiful summer day. She says he has all outdoors to pay in. She tells him to use some imagination. Calvin walks off, scratches his head, then gets an idea. He grabs a pail, goes to the pond to fill the pail with water, then douses Mom with the water. Calvin, sitting on his bed, says his upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.

Calvin is rubbing Hobbes' tummy as he sleeps. Calvin stops rubbing. Hobbes bares his fangs and growls at Calvin, startling him. Calvin, frowning, rubs Hobbes' tummy some more.

Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad says unless it's very important, hang up. He's very busy. Calvin hangs up. At home, Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the edge of the kitchen sink. Water is pouring over the edge of the sink onto the floor. The water is a couple feet deep on the floor already. Calvin says this should qualify in another 15 minutes.

Mom tells Calvin she asked him to clean his room. Calvin says he did. Mom says if he did, it wasn't a good job. The room looks as messy as it did before. She tells him he should take pride in what he does. Calvin, standing in his messy bedroom, says he doesn't need to do a better job. He needs better P.R. on the job he does.

Calvin calls a meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order. President and First Tiger Hobbes gives an attendance report. Club Secretary General Hobbes gives the minutes. Calvin then calls for a field report from Top Scout Calvin. Hobbes says you can tell this is a great club because they have so many officers.

Top Scout Calvin reports the enemy has been sighted on the sidewalk two doors down. It's Susie Derkins, an acknowledged girl. Calvin recommends they establish a strike force to bug Susie. Hobbes calls for volunteers.

As they climb down from their tree fort, Calvin says he'll be the strike force commander, while Hobbes is the special agent in charge of munitions. Calvin suggests filling a water balloon and sneaking up on Susie through the back yard. Hobbes wants to be official cartographer, mapping their hiding places and escape routes. Calvin decides to be the code expert and make an unbreakable code. Hobbes runs to get paper. As they both work on their tasks, Calvin says he hopes Susie doesn't go anyplace for a while.

Calvin has finished the secret code. He has assigned each letter a totally random number. For instance, for the letter "A", you write 3,004,572,688. Hobbes admits that's a good code. Calvin says they only have to commit it to memory. He asks if Hobbes has finished the map of their neighborhood. Hobbes isn't quite done yet. He asks how many bricks there are on the front walk.

They have their map, the code, and a water balloon. They're ready to soak Susie. Hobbes says they should run to the big tree out back, then to the bush out front, then the ditch out back, then the tree out front. He explains to a winded Calvin that's to lose anyone who might be tailing them. Calvin is going to write Hobbes a note in code. He asks how to spell "nincompoop".

They made it to Susie's yard, but she's not there. Calvin is distraught that all their plans have gone for naught. Hobbes suggests she might have only gone in for lunch. Her toys are still left out, so she's probably planning to come back. Calvin's eyes bulge, and he wrings his hands. He says that gives him a fabulous idea.

Hobbes tells Calvin he just ran into the invisible sector. He has to cover his eyes. Calvin, playing Calvinball, didn't know they had an invisible sector. He asks where it is. Hobbes tells him he can't see it. It's invisible. He asks how to know he went into it. Hobbes says he can't see anything, right? He hits Calvin on the head with the Calvinball. He gets a point. Calvin chases him. He says Hobbes just ran into a vortex spot. He has to spin around until he falls down. Hobbes informs Calvin that spot is in the boomerang zone, so the vortex returns to who called it. Calvin has to spin. He claims that's not fair. Hobbes tells him he knows the rules. Calvin admits that anything they make up are the rules. Calvin spins himself dizzy while saying this game lends itself to certain abuses. Hobbes has the Calvinball. He asks Calvin to guess how he gets out of the boomerang zone.

Hobbes asks what Calvin is doing. He's picked up Susie's doll. Hobbes says they can't take it. That would be stealing. Hobbes asks if they're going to give it back. Calvin replies they will if she pays the ransom.

Susie comes back and wonders what happened to her Binky Betsy. She knows she left her there, and she wonders if someone took her. Everything else is still there. Calvin and Hobbes are making a ransom note. Hobbes says he likes cut-and-paste. Calvin asks how much they should ask for. He thinks one hundred dollars.

Susie is outraged to receive a ransom note. She crumples the note and says he can't get away with this. She notices something else in the envelope. It's a picture of Binky Betsy tied to a chair. Susie is horrified. In their tree fort, Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club. Hobbes asks Calvin what he's going to do with his $50.

Calvin suggests walking real casually down the sidewalk to see if Susie put the hundred dollars by the tree. They march along with Calvin saying he enjoys his afternoon constitutional. Hobbes says it's quite invigorating. They see the envelope. Calvin figures they're rich. Hobbes says they should sneak up and get it. Susie is hiding behind the tree.

Calvin sets Hobbes down and tells him to watch for Susie while he counts the money to make sure it's all there. Calvin opens the envelope to find no money. There is a note. Calvin reads "now we're even". He wonders what that means. Susie has grabbed Hobbes and run off. Calvin notices Hobbes missing.

Calvin chases Susie, who's carrying Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to bite her. Susie reaches her home and closes the door. From an upstairs window, Susie yells down for him to get away from their door with that drill.

Calvin offers to give Susie her doll and a quarter to return Hobbes. Susie agrees and tells Calvin to leave her stuff alone next time. They exchange and think each other are jerks. Later, Calvin asks Hobbes what kind of tiger he is. He didn't try to maul her. He asks what he was doing in Susie's house. Hobbes says wouldn't Calvin like to know.

In their tree fort, Calvin says it doesn't give their club a lot of credit when the First Tiger is a willing captive of the enemy. Hobbes sticks out his tongue. Calvin says they stole her doll, and he had to pay ransom. He says it's a disgrace. Calvin doles out demerits for besmirching the club's reputation and conduct unbecoming an officer. He also gives a censure for not devouring Susie when he had the chance. When Calvin asks if there's anything else, Hobbes tells him he almost gave her their code when she rubbed his tummy. Calvin asks whose side he's on.

Calvin declares this a sad chapter in G.R.O.S.S. history. Hobbes says he did some spying after gaining Susie's confidence. He says he read an open page of Susie's diary. Excited that Hobbes intercepted a secret message deep in enemy territory, he asks what it said. Hobbes tells him "Calvin is a pig-faced smelly fat-head". Calvin says their club is a success. He welcomes Hobbes back and offers promotions for everyone.

Susie gives Calvin an invitation to a milk and cookie party. Calvin declines. He wouldn't attend if she paid him. Susie doesn't care and walks off. She calls Calvin a jerk and says she went to all the trouble to set up the table and chairs. She says to Mr. Bun they can have a nice party by themselves. Calvin happily tells Hobbes they showed her. Hobbes wonders what kind of cookies they were. Calvin and Hobbes go to the party. Susie is happy. Calvin says they don't attend parties, they crash them.

Calvin asks Hobbes for help with homework. He asks what 6 + 3 is. Hobbes calls the answer "Y", as in why do I care. He says "Y" might be a square number, so he draws a square. He makes one side 6, the other 3. Then, he measures the diagonal. Calvin doesn't remember the teacher explaining it like that. Hobbes suggests she might not know higher math. Calvin says the diagonal is just a little under 2. Hobbes offers to draw the square bigger.

Calvin is horrified that Mom is going to the parent-teacher conference. He figures he's as good as dead, and that Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about him. Hobbes asks about the horror stories. Calvin says it's all a question of perspective, but he thinks he should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. Hobbes asks what he's going to say when Mom gets back. Calvin says nothing. He pulls out a suitcase and tells Hobbes he's crazy if he thinks Calvin is even going to be there when she returns.

Mom asks how the math lesson is going. Dad thinks pretty well. Dad explains that he took pennies and showed how adding or subtracting them changed how much money he had. Mom hopes Calvin will do better in class now. Dad thinks he will. He says Calvin was having fun with it by the end. Calvin tells Hobbes to give him another five cents and they'll see what he has.

Walking along, Calvin notices leaves rustling in the tree above. Hobbes jumps down and pounces on him. They fight, and Hobbes runs off. Calvin walks home. When he opens the door, Hobbes attacks again. Calvin crawls into the house. Mom opens the door to his room and asks what the big surprise is. Calvin, hiding behind her legs, says to try his closet.

Hobbes asks Calvin how he did on his math quiz. Calvin tells him he flunked it, but only because he ran out of time. He says the worst part was that Susie won their bet on who'd get the better score. He had to pay her 25 cents. Calvin laughs that he cheated her, though. He only gave her three dimes. Hobbes says Calvin better study harder. Calvin tells Hobbes not to start on him.

Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. Calvin runs with the ball. Hobbes crouches and waits. Calvin gets closer, and Hobbes leaps toward Calvin. They crash and roll together for a distance. Looking back, Hobbes says he bets it takes four downs just to get back on the field. Calvin thinks football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.

Calvin has cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. He holds it up, and it's just like he's on TV. Calvin laments he can't force his way into millions of people's homes each day. He adds that on the other hand, no one in that home can turn him off.

Hobbes asks what it's like to be on TV. Calvin says it's great. Now that Calvin is on TV, he's different from everybody else. He's special. He says since everyone knows him, everything he does is newsworthy. He's a cultural icon. Hobbes thinks his antenna needs adjusting. Calvin shows Hobbes that he's going to use his prestige to endorse a product.

Calvin, eminent television personality, is doing a commercial for "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside. There isn't a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of the rich, fudgy taste. Calvin says it's the cereal he gets paid to recommend because he's famous. Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks. He asks if Hobbes is filled with the desire to emulate him and eat the cereal he endorses. Calvin says if not, he can repeat this every 20 minutes. Hobbes tells him not to threaten him.

Hobbes asks where Calvin's TV screen is. Calvin tells him his fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Hobbes suggests that Calvin go cable. Calvin has an idea for a sitcom called "Father Knows Zilch".

Calvin has completed a connect-the-dots picture, but it doesn't look like anything. Hobbes says you're supposed to connect them in the order they're numbered. Calvin replies that everything has to have rules, rules, rules.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Hobbes snaps the ball and runs toward Calvin. Calvin takes off running. Hobbes scores. Calvin says he'll never have a career in sports until he learns to suppress his survival instinct.

Calvin is running with the football. He stops suddenly, and he turns around and runs the way he came. Hobbes tackles him. Calvin, lying on the ground, says what this game needs are negotiated settlements.

Calvin wants Hobbes to pose for a wildlife painting. Calvin puts Hobbes on a rock. Calvin tells him to survey his territory with the quiet confidence of a jungle cat. Hobbes puts a paw up to look into the distance. Calvin doesn't think that's quite it. Hobbes puts a paw to his chin. Too formal. Calvin wants to try one where the fierce tiger rests in the shade after a kill. Hobbes lies draped over the rock. No good. He tries lying on his back across the rock. Calvin gets frustrated. Hobbes strikes a fierce pose, and Calvin says that's it. Calvin had no idea this would be so hard. He wonders about trying to pose a dumb moose. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's more of a yellow ochre than a straight orange.

Calvin says it's 8:00, and they have to go to bed already. Calvin complains someone is always running his life. He never gets to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what he would do if he could stay up. He says something fun, like whatever Mom and Dad get to do. Mom and Dad are asleep in their living room chairs, snoring.

Calvin points to the sky at night and tells Hobbes that cloud of stars is our galaxy, the Milky Way. He says our solar system is on the edge of it. He says they hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. He says in cosmic terms, they are subatomic particles in a grain of sand on an infinite beach. They look at the stars. Then Calvin looks at his watch and wonders what's on TV right now.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks their morality is defined by their actions, or by their hearts. Hobbes thinks their actions show what's in their hearts. Calvin stops and says he resents that.

Calvin is running with the football, and he stops. He flips the ball into the air for Hobbes to grab. Calvin says they say winning isn't everything, and he's decided to take their word for it.

Calvin is playing with his toy trucks. Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin, lying battered on the floor with Hobbes next to him says he wouldn't mind this so much if Hobbes didn't keep a log. Hobbes, writing in his book, asks if Calvin was "very surprised" or "completely surprised".

Calvin tells Hobbes he won't be pouncing on him anymore. He shows Hobbes his mask. He tells Hobbes he's finally thwarted Hobbes' murderous recreation. Calvin boasts that this will show Hobbes that people are smarter than animals. Hobbes gets Calvin in his mouth. Calvin complains that wasn't fair. Hobbes didn't even sneak up.

Calvin is writing a report. He writes "In the Middle Ages, lords and vassals lived in a futile system". Hobbes looks at the paper and tells Calvin that's supposed to be "feudal" system. Dejectedly, Calvin says just when he thought this junk was beginning to make sense.

Walking in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't believe how smart he is. Calvin says he has more brains than he knows what to do with. Hobbes says he's noticed, and walks along whistling. Calvin catches on and starts chasing Hobbes.

Hobbes passes the football to Calvin. Calvin runs after it, and Hobbes runs past him. Calvin makes the catch, only to turn and have Hobbes tackle him. Hobbes picks up the fumble. He asks whose team he was on when he recovered the ball. Calvin tells him it doesn't matter. The game's called on account of sudden death.

Calvin shows Hobbes a picture and asks if he wouldn't say this was a great drawing. He says his teacher didn't like it. She said it wasn't "serious". Calvin wonders who made Miss Wormwood the arbiter of aesthetics. He claims the picture is a beautiful work of power and depth. Hobbes asks if it's a stegosaurus in a rocket ship. Calvin says see, Hobbes understands it.

Calvin says on one hand, it's good to know images still have power in this age of visual bombardment from all media. But on the other hand, the teacher's grading shows our society is culturally illiterate and many people can't tell good art from a hole in the ground. Calvin's drawing obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe, predigested, bucolic genre scenes. Calvin figures his "C-" firmly establishes him on the cutting edge of the avant-garde. Hobbes asks if he then has to wear silly clothes.

Calvin tells Hobbes the hard part for avant-garde artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Should their work be hyped and exploited by a market hungry for the next new thing? Do they turn high art into low art so it's better suited for mass consumption? Calvin knows an artist doing that makes a mockery of his status as a free thinker. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Calvin says he'll do it.

Calvin drew another picture in his "dinosaurs in rocket ship" series, and Miss Wormwood threatened to give him a bad grade if he didn't stop. Calvin protests the arts are under attack. Freedom of expression is being squelched. The authorities are trying to silence any view contrary to their own. Hobbes asks what his teacher objects to about dinosaurs. Calvin admits it's mostly his drawing them during math.

Standing at the bus stop, Calvin comments on it being another gorgeous fall day. He says it's a waste to go to school on a morning like this. Hobbes asks what Calvin would do if he could stay home that morning. Calvin tells him he'd sleep right through it.

Calvin puts leaves in his lunch bag, then draws a face on it. He puts his shoes and coat around the bag and sets the bag on the porch. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on the lunch bag. After he comes inside, Mom looks at the bag and says there's no point in saving his lunch bag if he can't keep it any cleaner than that. Calvin says that's what she thinks.

Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom had a conniption when she found out he hadn't started his diorama that was due today. Calvin asks what the big deal is being one day late. Lives don't hang in the balance. The fate of the universe doesn't depend on his handing his desert scene on time. Hobbes thinks that's keeping things in perspective. Calvin adds that even if lives were in the balance, it would depend on whose they were.

Calvin figures he can't build a desert diorama if he doesn't know what a desert looks like. He complains that Mom and Dad have never taken him to a desert for him to know this stuff. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get out a book. Calvin asks if he should go through all that trouble. He says he's a busy guy. He's got other things to do with his life besides this. Hobbes says why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous. Calvin says his TV show starts in 20 minutes. He asks if Hobbes is going to help him or not.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's almost finished with the diorama. Hobbes says that didn't take too long. Calvin replies that's because he's a genius. Hobbes doesn't see the roadrunner. He asks if Calvin wasn't going to put one in. Calvin points out the cotton balls he glued down. He says the roadrunner just ran out of the scene, leaving those clouds of dust.

The doctor asks what's wrong. The woman says her foot hurts. The doctor thinks that's a stupid problem. He suggests a lobotomy. The woman says no real doctor would say that. He asks who's wearing the stethoscope. He offers the reflex mallet for anesthesia. The woman says he doesn't know anything. The doctor offers a shot in the mouth. The woman says she knows more about medicine than him. She'll be the doctor now. She kicks him. Calvin says Susie is the doctor, but he's not going to be a patient of hers. Susie tells him good riddance. Calvin tells Hobbes the Surgeon General should issue a warning about playing with girls. Hobbes, with a smile, says he'd be Susie's patient.

Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin tells him that he's never had an obligation, an assignment, or a deadline in his life. He says it must be nice not to have any responsibilities. Hobbes looks up with a toothy smile. Calvin tells him to wipe that insolent smirk off his face. Hobbes lies back down and thinks the real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.

Calvin complains about having to do homework. He says it's too much work and wonders why he should bother. Hobbes tells him "Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone". Calvin can see why tiger aphorisms don't catch on.

Calvin says "Live for the moment" is his motto. You never know how long you've got. Calvin says you could step into the road and get hit by a cement truck. You'd be sorry you put off your pleasures. Calvin asks Hobbes what his motto is. Hobbes tells him "Look down the road".

In the bathtub, Calvin tells Hobbes he's decided he doesn't want to be famous. He says any idiot can be famous. He figures he's more the legendary type. Hobbes dubiously agrees as Calvin makes soap suds bunny ears for himself. Calvin adds that he didn't mean right this second.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks tigers go to the same heaven people go to. Calvin says in heaven, people are supposed to be happy. But people couldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers. Calvin doesn't think heaven would be nice without tigers, either. He wouldn't be happy without tigers. He'd miss them. Calvin wonders if maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. Hobbes says but then they wouldn't be happy.

Hobbes walks in circles on the bed. Calvin asks why animals always walk in circles before they lie down. Hobbes says it's privileged information. There are monsters under Calvin's bed. They tell Calvin there's a shiny toy for him under the bed. Come get it. Calvin says they just want him to come down so they can grab him with an oozing appendage, slowly paralyze him with some vile secretion, and devour him alive. He says forget it. As he turns to lie in bed, he tells Hobbes they are stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. The monsters whisper to Hobbes that they'll give him some salmon if he pushes the kid over the bed. Hobbes asks if the salmon is fresh. They say it is. Calvin, horrified, yells for Hobbes not to listen to them.

Calvin tells Hobbes a lot of people don't have principles, but he does. He's highly principled. He says he lives by one principle, and he never deviates from it. Hobbes asks what it is. Calvin tells him "Look out for number one".

Mom sees that Calvin has made his bed without being asked. Hobbes comments that Mom is sure nice when Calvin helps her. He says that's the reason he usually doesn't. Calvin wants Mom to be impressed when he fulfills the least of his obligations.

Calvin is on the phone. He tells someone to look out the window, it's snowing. By morning, he bets there'll be tons of snow. He asks if the person thinks the schools will close. Calvin hears the answer and angrily says back "Well, same to you". Climbing back in bed, Calvin asks Hobbes how a crabby guy like that got to be superintendent.

Covered with snow, Calvin tells Hobbes that was quite a ride. Hobbes says he's never seen a sled catch fire before. Calvin says they're lucky the pond hadn't frozen.

Calvin sees Susie. He wishes he had a snowball to smack her with. Hobbes says he bets Santa Claus heard that. Calvin remembers. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize. Calvin does. Hobbes suggests he better say he likes Susie. Calvin says that's going too far. Hobbes says he better say he'd like to give her muchas smooches. Calvin starts to fight with Hobbes. Susie asks what he's doing. She doesn't know what's weirder, that he's fighting a stuffed animal, or that he seems to be losing. Susie leaves. Hobbes says after today, Santa will take a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill Calvin's stocking.

Standing outside in his coat, hat, and gloves, Calvin is selling lemonade. He's offering it for five dollars a glass. Hobbes asks how sales are. Calvin says they're terrible, and he doesn't understand it. Hobbes says it's cold out. Calvin says his lemonade has "all-natural" refrigeration. He asks if Hobbes wants to buy a glass. Hobbes says all his savings is in bonds. Calvin thinks maybe he should charge ten dollars a glass so he doesn't have to sell as much.

Calvin tells Hobbes a joke he just made up. What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? A melon-collie baby. Calvin laughs, but Hobbes doesn't. Calvin walks off saying Hobbes doesn't want to face the fact that Calvin will be the life of every party.

Calvin is sitting on the chair in the living room. He takes his shoe off and dangles it over the edge of the chair. He lets it go, and Hobbes reaches out from under the chair and grabs it. Calvin says you just can't ever be too careful. Hobbes, under the chair, calls him a cheater.

Hobbes crouches, then leaps into the air onto Calvin. Later, Calvin walks by Mom. He's wearing a football helmet and has pillows tied in front and in back of himself. Mom thinks those child psychology books they bought were such a waste of money.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing his Christmas list. He asks if Hobbes wants him to add anything for him. Hobbes can't think of anything. Calvin is outraged. Hobbes tells him he has a good home and a best friend. He asks what more could a tiger want. Calvin says it must be sad being a species with so little imagination.

Calvin thanks Hobbes for helping him mail his Christmas list. He says big envelopes could only hold a couple hundred pages. That's why he used a box. Hobbes hopes Santa doesn't throw out his back when he gets it. Calvin says Santa better bring everything on his list. He says he's been extremely good all year. Hobbes asks about the noodle incident. Calvin yells that no one can prove he did that.

Calvin says this whole business of Santa rewarding good kids and neglecting kids bugs him. He adds that he doesn't have anything to worry about. Hobbes clears his throat, calling Calvin a paragon of virtue. Calvin explains a good kid could do something that looks bad, if one didn't consider the mitigating circumstances. Hobbes asks if he means like putting an incontinent toad in Mom's sweater drawer. Calvin says if he was being raised in a better environment, he wouldn't do things like that.

Calvin thinks if Santa is going to judge his behavior over the past year, he ought to be entitled to legal representation. A lot of Christmas loot is at stake. The Constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. Calvin says Hobbes can be his lawyer. Calvin hands Hobbes a legal pad and says he's all set. Hobbes informs Calvin he doesn't take pro bono cases.

Calvin says as his lawyer, Hobbes will have to review the facts of the case. Hobbes says they'll try to establish Calvin was insane at the time of the alleged crimes. Calvin doesn't want to cop a plea of insanity. He says he's innocent. Hobbes tells Calvin insulting his attorney is a penal offense. Calvin tells him he's supposed to argue he deserves to be on Santa's "good" list. Hobbes advises Calvin to settle out of court. Calvin angrily says in a minute, they are going to settle this out of doors.

Calvin thinks nobody could be watching every kid every minute. He says Santa's old. He figures Santa makes just random checks on them once or twice a week. He tells Hobbes Santa would catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. Now that Calvin is on to Santa, he's going to smack Susie with a snowball. If he does it quick, the odds of Santa catching him are virtually nil. Hobbes asks what if Susie tells on him. He hadn't thought of that. He drops the snowball. He walks off with Hobbes saying he hopes Santa's watching now, seeing as he's being so good. Hobbes says he's unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.

Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes are off to the North Pole. Mom asks why he's going there since he's sent his Christmas list already. Calvin is afraid Santa hasn't considered Calvin's version of certain recent events. Mom asks just how recent are these recent events he's talking about. Calvin says it's a long walk, so he has to go.

Calvin maps out their strategy of telling Santa that Calvin has been the victim of malicious slanders by his enemies. Calvin says they tell Santa Calvin is a good kid with a good heart. Calvin notices Susie. He starts to pack slushballs.

Calvin tells Hobbes Susie is concentrating on her snowman. He wants to barrage her with slushballs. Hobbes reminds him that two minutes ago, they were on their way to tell Santa how good Calvin was. Calvin looks at the slushballs on the ground. He asks Hobbes how many presents he thought Calvin would forfeit for one clean smack upside Susie's head.

Hobbes says he won't be Calvin's lawyer if he can't walk a block without pasting someone with a slushball. Calvin says it's not "someone". It's Susie. Santa would understand. Susie hears Calvin behind the tree arguing with Hobbes. She hears him say he's going to hit her with a big, icy slushball. As Calvin continues to argue with Hobbes, Susie makes her own slushball. Calvin tells Hobbes to hold it. He asks if Hobbes heard a snicker. Susie is standing right behind him with a slushball.

Susie smacks Calvin with her slushball. Calvin is happy, because since she hit him first, it's justified. Hobbes tells him it's a chance to show Santa how good he is. Calvin, head covered in slush, says he doesn't want to be that good.

Calvin comes back in the house saying he proved how good he was. He says Susie hit him with a snowball, and he didn't hit her back. He figures Santa has to give him lots of presents now. Mom asks why Susie hit Calvin with a snowball. Calvin says they were minding their own business when she attacked for no reason. Hobbes tells Calvin that since he lied, if he does something good fast, the last hour will even out to neutral. Calvin laments that he won't make it three more days.

Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin says he's getting nervous about Christmas. He wonders what Santa's definition of good and bad are. He says he hasn't killed anybody, so that's good. He hasn't committed any felonies, start any wars, or practiced cannibalism. He thinks that should get lots of presents. Hobbes suggests maybe good is more than the absence of bad. That's what worries Calvin. He asks Hobbes that if he can get an overnight letter to the North Pole, what would Hobbes charge to write him a glowing character reference. Hobbes says he won't perjure himself for Calvin. His record's clean.

Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a Merry Christmas. Calvin says he didn't get Hobbes a gift, but he says Hobbes is Calvin's best friend in the world. Hobbes says Calvin is his best friend, and that's a great gift. Calvin hops out of bed saying it's almost 4 am. He wants to wake Mom and Dad and see what Santa brought them. Hobbes reminds Calvin they agreed that if Calvin got any salmon, he'd share it.

Calvin writes a thank you note to his Grandma for the crayons she sent. Calvin tells Hobbes he always sends Grandma a thank-you note right away. Calvin has done that ever since she sent an empty box with a sarcastic note saying she was checking to see if the Postal Service was still working.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's getting disillusioned with these New Years. He says they don't seem new at all. Each new year is just like the old year. Another year's gone by, and everything is still the same. There's still pollution, war, stupidity, and greed. Things haven't changed. He asks what kind of future this is. He thought things were supposed to improve. He thought the future was supposed to be better. Hobbes says the problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

Calvin and Hobbes hide behind a tree. Calvin didn't know the snowman he brought to life would be evil. He knows they have to get rid of it. Hobbes suggests luring him inside so he'd melt. Calvin rejects that idea. It would take hours, it might kill Mom, and if it didn't, Mom would have a fit about the water on the floor. Hobbes asks how they finally killed "Frosty". Calvin wishes he'd watched that show. He suggests maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.

Hiding behind a tree, Calvin and Hobbes attack the snowman with snowballs. They stick to the snowman. That gives the snowman an idea. He starts packing more snow onto himself, making himself bigger.

The snowman packs more snow onto himself. It makes a big snowball and puts rocks and sticks onto it. The snowman has given himself another head. Hobbes says anytime the sun wants to come out is alright with him. Calvin notices the snowman has added another arm. It's turned itself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon.

The snow goon goes to the front yard. Calvin and Hobbes cut around the house to build a snow fort. Calvin doesn't know what the snow goon is going to do, but he knows they're going to need protection. Dad tells Calvin the snowman out front is hideous. He asks why Calvin can't build a normal one. Calvin replies that he tried.

Calvin builds a snowman on the porch. He puts his coat and hat on the snowman. He yells that he's home and hides next to the porch. Hobbes opens the door, sees the snowman, then asks why Calvin is on the ground without his coat. He says no reason. Calvin puts his coat and hat back on, kicks the snowman off the porch, starts to open the door, and Hobbes pounces on him.

Calvin and Hobbes are building their snow fort. The snow goon makes another snow goon. Calvin, in their snow fort, says they're safe now. Hobbes wonders why they haven't seen him for awhile.

Susie comments on Calvin's snow fort. Calvin tells her the walls are two feet thick and they have fifty snowballs. Susie wonders who he's fighting. Calvin tells her there's a snow goon running loose. Susie asks what a snow goon is. Calvin explains it's like a snowman, but it's an evil, grotesque, demented monster. She asks if that's what all those ugly things in the yard are. Calvin asks what she means by "all those".

There's a new snow goon, but it's not one Calvin made. He says the original snow goon must be making his own. Calvin fears he's making a snow goon army. He speculates how many there would be if the original made a hundred snow goons, then each of them makes their own goons. Calvin thinks that would be cool, if they weren't out to kill him. Hobbes suggests making tracks for Florida.

Mom yells for Calvin to come inside, it's late. Calvin replies that he has to stay to kill snow goons. Mom says he can kill them after school tomorrow. Calvin warns there will be more of them then. Mom tells Calvin to come in. As he heads to the house, Calvin says that Moms and reason are like oil and water.

In bed, Calvin asks Hobbes if he sees any snow goons outside. He says they're still making more. There are about fifteen now. Calvin doesn't think he'll even make it to the bus stop tomorrow. He is sure the snow goons will catch him. Mom kisses Calvin good night. Calvin asks her if he can bring an ax to school tomorrow....for show and tell.

At night, Calvin looks out his window to see the snow goons aren't moving. They're asleep. Calvin thinks this will be their best chance to bump them off. Hobbes says they can't go out now, it's 10:00 at night. Calvin says Mom and Dad will still be up. They'll have to wait at least an hour.

Calvin wonders why he dreams when he sleeps. He asks Hobbes if their brains get bored. He wonders why they don't just sleep. Hobbes thinks they dream so they don't have to be apart so long. If they are in each other's dreams, they can play all night. Calvin thinks that sounds right. Calvin says he'll see Hobbes in his dreams in a few minutes. Hobbes says he'll be there. They roll over to sleep. They're asleep with smiles on their faces.

Calvin and Hobbes quietly come down the stairs, saying "Shh" to each other. They get dressed to go outside, saying "Shh" to each other. They leave the house, saying "Shh" to each other. Mom and Dad are startled awake by Calvin yelling for the snow goon to die.

Calvin is spraying water over the snow goons. He says he'll freeze them where they snooze. He walks through the yard spraying water all over. He covers all the snow goons, then sprays some more water around to be sure everything's frozen. Hobbes notices Mom and Dad's light is on. He tells Calvin that he thinks Dad is coming. Calvin wonders if he should spray Dad, also.

Mom and Dad get out of bed. Mom sees Calvin outside with the garden hose. Dad runs outside yelling for Calvin to come inside. He slips on the ice created by Calvin's watering and slides across the yard. Calvin runs off with Hobbes while being chased by Dad, who is covered with snow. Calvin yells that Dad is a snow goon, too.

Dad carries Calvin into the house. Calvin says he can explain. He tells Mom that he had to freeze the snow goons or they would have gotten him. Dad tells Calvin it's after midnight. He says they'll discuss it very thoroughly tomorrow. He sends Calvin to bed. Wide-eyed, Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to get any sleep now.

Calvin explains to Mom and Dad how the snow goons were building an army. He asks if they see. He explains he had to freeze them while they were sleeping. He asks if they see. He says it all makes sense. He asks if they see. Mom and Dad just look at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes they never see.

As the snow goons melt, Calvin tells Hobbes there's a moral to all this. He says "snow goons are bad news". Hobbes says that lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. Calvin tells him he likes maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.

Calvin is walking in the snow, clearing a path. He jumps over to start another path. He starts still another. Hobbes asks if he's had any luck. Calvin says he's so disappointed. In the snow, Calvin has made a message to jet pilots to do a barrel roll.

Calvin and Hobbes sit on the toboggan at the top of the hill. Calvin speculates that if they go fast enough and pull up just as they hit the rocks, they might clear the ravine and have the ride of their lives. He goes on to say if they miss, they'll spend their remaining days hooked up to machines and intravenous fluids. He raises his fist and says it's either spectacular, unbelievable success, or crushing, hopeless defeat. There is no middle ground. Later, inside the house, Hobbes is lying in front of the fireplace reading a comic book. Calvin walks up to him and admits there is a middle ground, but it's for sissy weasels.

Calvin throws a snowball. Hobbes walks over to Calvin while brushing off snow from his shoulder. Calvin looks worried. Hobbes grabs Calvin and packs snow around him. Calvin is stuck, rolled up in the middle of a big snowball.

Calvin and Hobbes are on the sled at the top of Mount Maim. Calvin says he likes to experience life to the fullest. He likes to stare death in the eye and make him blink. He looks back at Hobbes and asks him if he thinks he's right. Hobbes tells him real living is sitting by a fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa. They sit on the sled. Next, we see them sitting by the fireplace, slurping from their mugs of cocoa.

Calvin is still in bed when Mom tells him to get up or he'll be late for school. Calvin sits up and informs Mom that his spirit is going to school while his body stays in bed. Later, Calvin is tossed out the door. Standing on the corner, Calvin grumpily says now his spirit is in bed.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing checkers. Hobbes jumps several of Calvin's pieces and wins. Calvin informs Hobbes he has only won the outward manifestation of the game. His spirit is still unvanquished. Hobbes tells him he's lost 165 straight games. Calvin tells Hobbes his spirit is kicking the spirit of Hobbes' checkers clear across the room.

Standing on the corner, waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes there ought to be a law against having school on days there is enough snow to play in. Calvin goes on to say he doesn't think there should be school in the fall, either. Summer's out already, then there is spring. Calvin guesses he'd go to school a day in November and a day in March. Hobbes says that by second grade, he'd be packing his lunch box with denture cleaners. Calvin finishes the thought by saying before he got to third grade, he could retire.

Calvin shows Hobbes a bird foot he made. He tells Hobbes he's going to press it in the snow and make everyone think a two ton chickadee walked by. Hobbes suggests time weighs more heavily on some people's hands than others'. As Calvin presses the bird foot into the snow, he says Hobbes is just jealous because he accomplishes so much more than Hobbes.

Calvin tells Hobbes he likes to sled down hills, but he hates having to climb back up. He says it's too boring and slow. Calvin suggests he sit on the sled and have Hobbes pull him up the hill. Hobbes would run as fast as he could, zigzagging around trees. Hobbes walks off, leaving Calvin to lament not even his friends do what he wants.

Calvin prepares a snowball to throw at Susie. He tells Hobbes to watch him knock her fillings loose. Calvin throws the snowball. PIFF! It falls a couple feet away. They look at the fallen snowball. Calvin tells Hobbes he thought earth's gravity felt exceptionally strong today. Hobbes figures that explains why Calvin spilled his oatmeal down the heater that morning.

Calvin and Hobbes are still looking at the snowball. Calvin says he can't throw snowballs at Susie if the earth's gravity has increased. Calvin says "This is a job for..." and runs off. Hobbes stands puzzled. Hobbes goes back inside the house to see Calvin rummaging through his dresser drawers. He has his Stupendous Man cowl on. As he tosses clothes aside, he says Mom must have put his cape in the wrong drawer.

Hobbes asks Calvin who this is a job for. Calvin replies "Stupendous Man". Calvin struggles with his pants. Hobbes asks if super heroes wear snow pants. Calvin angrily replies they do when there's snow out. Calvin is on his back, trying to get his pants on. Hobbes looks down on him and says this looks like a real job for Stupendous Man. Calvin tells Hobbes of course the zipper's going to get stuck if everyone stands around watching him.

Stupendous Man drops the snowball, taking advantage of earth's strong gravity. Susie lies on the sidewalk, covered with the snowball. Stupendous Man, sitting on a tree branch above, triumphs. He zooms back to resume his secret identity. Entering the bedroom, Hobbes asks Calvin if he saved the day. Calvin tells him justice reigns once more. From downstairs, one of Calvin's parents yells up that Susie's Mom just called. Calvin is going to be talked to.

Mom is talking to Calvin. She says Susie's mom said Calvin dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. Calvin says it couldn't have been him. He's mild-mannered. Mom crosses her arms and says Susie's mom described the hood and cape she made for Calvin. Calvin says it must have been Stupendous Man, and that Susie probably deserved whatever she got. Mom tells him he could hurt someone that way, and that if she ever hears of anything like this again, she'll take away his costume for good. Hobbes says this sounds like another job for Stupendous Man. Calvin says it actually doesn't sound like quite his type of job.

Riding on their toboggan, Calvin tells Hobbes he watched a nature program on TV last night. Then, he asked Dad if life was nothing more than trying to survive long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Hobbes asks what Dad said. Calvin replies Dad looked at him a minute, then said he didn't know about the rest of it, but thought the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. They slide along, then Calvin says he's noticed in those programs how young males often leave the herd at an early age. Hobbes replies that he thinks it's good that everyone becomes food.

Calvin has some modeling clay. Hobbes asks what he's making. Calvin replies it's a hoof. He tells Hobbes it's going to be a life-size equestrian statue of him. Hobbes asks if it will be a new horseman of the apocalypse. Calvin is sure he's going to need more clay.

Hobbes is sleeping in front of the fireplace. Suddenly, the wood in the fireplace pops. Hobbes is startled. He spins around, snarling and scratching. Hobbes angrily looks back at the fireplace. Calvin, sitting in an armchair reading a book, says that's why he's way over there.

In bed, Calvin yells for Mom. He tells her Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. Mom complains that it's two in the morning. Calvin says the first kiss didn't take. After she leaves, Hobbes grumpily thinks that kiss didn't take, either. Calvin tells him to go to sleep.

Calvin says that he's devoting himself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. He tells Hobbes no man is an island. They all need love and the support of others. As of today, his goal is to be at one with his fellow man. As he says he's going to develop and foster deep connections, he tells Hobbes to wait a minute. He makes a snowball and hits Susie with it. She chases him. Later, Calvin is head-first in the snow. He tells Hobbes he's changed his mind. People are scum. Hobbes thinks true happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.

Tracer says he just about had it figured out when the dame's hired goon jumped out. Dad lectures Calvin while Calvin thinks a symphony was playing in his head, and the acoustics were terrible. The orchestra went on a tour of his brain, and he had a season pass with front row tickets. He had figured out who trashed the living room, but since the dame wasn't his client anymore, he didn't feel he needed to divulge the information. The culprit happened to be a buddy of his, so he closed the case. Hobbes guesses they should have played outside.

Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe math is a science, but is a religion. Calvin explains the equations are like miracles. You take two numbers, add them together, and you make one new number. No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. Calvin points to his book and says it's full of things you have to accept on faith. It's a religion. Hobbes says since it's in the public school, no less, Calvin should call a lawyer. Calvin says as a math atheist, he should be excused from this.

Hobbes cheerfully tells Calvin a cheetah can run over 60 miles per hour. He says a human can hardly do a quarter of that. Calvin replies that humans don't need to be that fast because they're smarter. Calvin goes on to ask Hobbes why cats don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs. He stops. Hobbes happily continues by saying cats see six times better than humans. Calvin grumpily kicks a rock.

Calvin is walking along when he suddenly looks back, horrified. He runs as fast as he can. Hobbes is in the air, ready to pounce on Calvin. Afterward, Hobbes brushes dust off his fur complaining the thrill of the chase is so diminished when one's prey has little legs. Calvin, lying upside down on the ground, says that he's real sorry.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing Monopoly. Hobbes lands on Chance. Hobbes reads "Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverts assets to your account. Collect $5000". Hobbes thinks he'll buy a few dozen hotels. Calvin tells him to wait until he lands on Chance. Calvin says Monopoly is more fun when you make your own Chance cards.

Calvin walks into the bathroom where Dad is, saying Hobbes told Calvin tigers were more perfectly evolved than humans. As Calvin opens the door, he says Hobbes told him that if there were no guns, people would be cat food. He asks Dad to tell Hobbes it isn't true. Dad is standing with his pajama bottoms, no top, toothbrush in mouth, with toothpaste foaming out. Calvin grudgingly pays Hobbes off for the bet they had made.

At the dinner table, Calvin belches. He applauds himself, saying "Author! Encore!". Mom and Dad glare at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin calls his parents Philistines.

Calvin is digging a hole, when Hobbes asks if he's found any dinosaur bones yet. Calvin says nope. He wishes they lived in the badlands of Montana. He says it's easier there, because erosion often exposes the bones. Calvin starts digging again, while saying here, you start digging and hope for the best. From above, we see Calvin has dug several holes in the yard. Hobbes asks if that's why he's using the systematic approach. Calvin says yes. He guesses he'll have to move a sapling.

Calvin is thirsty. He gets out of bed to go for a drink. He hears a thump. He sees eyes glowing in the dark. He runs down the stairs, yelling for help. He yells that he feels its terrible fangs. He crashes. Mom and Dad wake up and check on Calvin. They turn on the light. Dad says he was sleepwalking again. Mom tells him to go back to bed. He had a nightmare. Calvin looks to see he has Hobbes in his hands. Back in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes it's creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. Hobbes says it's so they can see people sneaking out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.

Calvin says he's made his bed and put his breakfast dishes away. He's off to school. Mom wishes him a good day. Calvin tells her thanks. He says he'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. Mom stands by the door, puzzled. Under his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes this is working out great. Hobbes can't believe Mom thinks that's Calvin.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's perfected his duplicator this time. He says he added an ethicator. Now, instead of a complete duplicate of him, he's made a duplicate of just his good side. The good side duplicate does all the work, and Calvin gets all the credit. At school, the good Calvin raises his hand that he knows the answer. Miss Wormwood pats his head and says since he's gotten so many, he should let someone else try one.

Hobbes reminds Calvin the last time he made a duplicate of himself, the duplicates made duplicates. It was a mess. Calvin agrees, but he says with the ethicator, it can't happen this time. By only duplicating his good side, he's ensured this duplicate won't cause any trouble. He tells Hobbes there's nothing this duplicate likes better than making everyone's life easier. He lives for it. Hobbes thinks the ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth him.

There is a paw. Calvin sits in the distance, reading a comic book. There is the top of a tiger's back. Calvin is closer, still reading. There is a top view of a tiger's body. Calvin is closer, still reading. A tiger is crouching. Calvin turns around to see Hobbes with fangs bared. Calvin is horrified, and he yells. He clutches Mom's shoulder, while she tells Dad the comic books he reads are too grim. Dad says to look at Calvin twitch. Hobbes is on the floor beneath them.

Calvin tells his duplicate that when he's done putting his toys away, he can get to work on Calvin's math assignment. Calvin says they get to do whatever they want, while goody-two-shoes does all the work. He doesn't even complain. The duplicate says "Virtue is its own reward". Reading his comic, Calvin says he doesn't complain, but his self-righteousness gets on his nerves.

Hobbes tells Calvin he hears he's pretty smooth with the ladies. Calvin tells him to knock it off. He says it's the duplicate. Calvin says he doesn't mind if the duplicate cleans his room and gets good grades. He draws the line at being nice to Susie. He asks Hobbes if the duplicate can't tell she's a girl. Hobbes informs him the duplicate has figured that out. He says he saw him cutting hearts out of construction paper. The duplicate writes "...and who could make my heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair sweet Susie".

Calvin tells Hobbes not to tell him his duplicate is writing Susie mash notes. Hobbes calls Calvin a little charmer. Calvin runs off. As dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club, his reputation is at stake. He looks in his room, but the duplicate isn't there. He says he must be on his way to Susie's house. Hobbes says he's probably getting smooches right now. Standing at Susie's door, the duplicate Calvin has handed Susie the note. Susie considers it sarcasm. She tells him if he comes to her house again, she'll clobber him.

Calvin goes to Susie's house. She says "You again". Calvin asks if he was there before. She asks if he's crazy. He was there two minutes ago. Calvin asks if he's still there. She says he's standing right there. Angrily, Calvin says anyone can see that. He wants to know if he's anywhere else. She slams the door. Walking off, Calvin asks who can fathom the feminine mind.

Susie is playing, when Calvin comes over with a bucket. Calvin is wearing a mask. Calvin starts a poem. He tells Susie please do what she's told. There is a bucket, of water, ice cold. He says to please dump in on him, not to hesitate, do it A.S.A.P. Susie looks at him, while Calvin stands with eyes closed. Susie grins evilly. Calvin walks off with the bucket on his head, dripping water. Calvin shakes his fist at Hobbes. Calvin warns him to wait until he touches the "pernicious poem place". They're playing Calvinball.

Calvin finds his duplicate. Calvin complains about the duplicate giving Susie a valentine. The duplicate says she wouldn't even accept it. He calls Calvin a jerk. Calvin calls the duplicate a namby-pamby goody-goody. The duplicate calls Calvin a self-centered, conniving brat. They fight. Hobbes asks how existential can you get.

The duplicate says he's going to fight Calvin. FFTT! He disappears. He had an evil thought. Hobbes calls it another casualty of applied metaphysics. Calvin says his ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron. He says he's a genius.

Hobbes tells Calvin he's the only person he knows whose good side is prone to badness. Calvin says that's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle Calvin. He spectralized just in time. Hobbes calls it fascinating. He reminds Calvin he'll have to do his homework himself. Calvin says since his good side is no longer a physical being, he finds him that much easier to ignore.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's noticed that things don't bug you if you don't think about them. He says he's not going to think about anything he doesn't like, and he'll be happy all the time. Hobbes asks if that isn't a silly and irresponsible way to live. Calvin looks at the sky and says "What a pretty afternoon".

Hobbes comes out in the rain with an umbrella to ask Calvin why he's out there. Calvin stands with his arms crossed. He says he's engaged in a contest of wills. It's him against nature. He raises his fists and asks which one is going to give up first. Will nature give up and stop raining, or will he give up and go inside. He says he's determined to win. There is a big KABOOM! Hobbes is startled. Calvin yells to the skies that the big noise doesn't scare him. He's not going in. Hobbes does go in. Calvin says the poor guy couldn't stand the suspense.

In bed at night, Calvin yells for Mom. When she comes to his room, he asks how ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce. He asks if they're attracted to each other. She yells that it's 3 AM. She tells him to go to sleep. Later, Calvin wonders how people are attracted to each other. Hobbes bets that's why they close their eyes when they smooch.

Calvin is watching television. Dad says before there was television, kids actually did things on nice days. Calvin tells him times sure change. Dad tosses Calvin out the door. As he and Hobbes walk in the woods, Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever noticed Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about.

Looking at the evening sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's clear nights like that when you realize how incomprehensibly vast the universe really is. He wonders what early man must've thought as he watched the skies. Calvin says he'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding. He asks Hobbes to imagine how big and mysterious the night would have seemed. He bets he'd feel fragile and afraid. He turns to see Hobbes is gone. He looks around for anybody. In the night, he sees eyes looking at him. He is frightened. WUMP! Hobbes holds Calvin to the ground. Hobbes says that's what he felt like. Saber-tooth tiger food. Calvin says from now on, he's staying inside at night and watching TV.

Calvin is on a swing. He asks Hobbes to pull him back. More...more...more... Hobbes pulls the swing so far back Calvin slides off the seat and is holding on the swing ropes and dangling in the air. He tells Hobbes to hold it.

On a sidewalk, Calvin tells Hobbes to say life is the square of the sidewalk. They're born at one crack, and they die at the other. Now they find themselves somewhere inside the square, in the process of walking out of it. Suddenly, they realize their time in the square is fleeting. Is their experience pointless? Does anything they do or say really matter? Have they done anything important? Have they made the most of their precious few footsteps? That night, they are still standing on the sidewalk looking at the square.

Calvin says he's had a pretty good life so far. In looking back, he only has one regret. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin tells him he regret he wasn't born with opposable toes.

Calvin calls the meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order with a poem. He's dictator-for-life, ruler supreme, fearless, brave, and held high in esteem. Calvin the Bold, stand up and hail. His humbleness now, may his wisdom prevail. Hobbes joins in, as first tiger and el presidente. He's the delight of all cognoscenti. He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do. He's a leader with taste, whose views must be embraced. Calvin says you can tell this is a great club by the way they start their meetings.

Calvin calls for the G.R.O.S.S. financial report. Hobbes says they didn't sing the anthem. Calvin says they'll sing it at the end of the meeting. Hobbes wants to sing it now. Calvin tells him they can't. They have to follow protocol. Hobbes starts singing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. Calvin calls Hobbes an anarchist.

Calvin gives two demerits for singing the anthem before it was on the agenda. Hobbes gives Calvin demerits for not taking his hat off during its hallowed refrain. Calvin tells him he outranks Hobbes and can't be given demerits. Hobbes says Calvin's duties are ceremonial. He has all the real responsibilities. Calvin yells that he has ten times the importance of a lowly first tiger. A million times. Hobbes asks why, if he's so important, does Calvin sing the soprano part of the anthem. Calvin angrily says that's only until his voice changes.

Calvin demotes Hobbes to "Club Mascot". Hobbes says Calvin can be the "Club Chowder Head", because he quits. He says he'll form his own club. Calvin bets his club won't have a cool acronym for a name. Hobbes tells Calvin his club is called C.A.D. Calvin asks what that stands for. Hobbes tells him "Calvin's A Dope".

Calvin changes his club name to "Hobbes is a Mangy Flea-Ridden Furball". Hobbes declares war on Calvin's club. Hobbes says he'll have maps and secret codes. Calvin says he'll have them too, and his will be better than Hobbes'. Hobbes says he's going to write himself a message in code right now. It will say "Calvin smells like a baboon". Calvin says he's broken the code already, and he does not.

Calvin and Hobbes are fighting in the treehouse. Hobbes says his club dedicates itself to the destruction of Calvin's club. Calvin says it's a battle to the finish. They keep arguing with themselves while Susie walks up to the tree. She yells up to Calvin, asking who he's yelling at. Calvin tells Hobbes to be quiet, it's Susie.

Hobbes stretches himself. He arches his back. He runs off. Hobbes is poised on the stairs. Calvin opens the door and yells that he's home. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. Hobbes says if Calvin aches, it's because he didn't properly stretch before exercising. Getting up from the ground, Calvin yells that he didn't know he was going to be exercising.

Calvin tells Hobbes to pass the bag of rotten apples they've been saving. Susie is right below them. Hobbes asks about their war. Calvin tells Hobbes all charges are dropped. He's back in Calvin's club. Hobbes wants a promotion first. Hurriedly, Calvin tells him it's his. He tells Hobbes to give him the mushy apples. Susie asks what mushy apples. She asks again who he's talking to. Calvin tells her not to move.

Calvin throws apples at Susie while she runs off. Calvin declares their club a success. Hobbes thinks she's telling on them. Calvin says it was worth it. It was perfect. He tells Hobbes it's something they'll look back on with pride in their declining years.

Mom says Susie told her he was throwing mushy apples at her. Calvin says they were getting rid of slimy girls. That's their club. Mom says he better stop it. She tells him to come inside. As Calvin climbs down the rope, he says you can tell this is a great club because they always get in trouble following their charter.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's heard people say you should stop and smell the roses. He says he did. He says they smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers. It was the most mundane experience he's had. He says he doesn't have time for that nonsense. He's a busy guy. He says the last thing he needs to do is stand around with his nose in some silly plant. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he's glad he somehow found the time for this edifying conversation. Calvin looks at his watch and says he's going to have to wrap it up. His TV show is about to start.

Riding down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says they say the secret of success is being in the right place at the right time. Since you never know when the right time is going to be, he figures the trick is to find the right place, then just hang around. Hobbes comments that being with Calvin is just one epiphany after another. Calvin says if the right place is in front of the drug store, they could read comic books while they wait.

Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes the whole notion of instant gratification is a myth. He says he never gets what he wants. He complains how long it's taken to be six years old. He asks Hobbes when he gets to drive and see violent movies. He wants to know why he has to wait until he's older. Calvin says people say life's a journey, but he says he's tired of wasting his precious time in transit. He says he's a busy guy and has places to be. They hit a rock and fall into the snow. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says that was quick.

Calvin tells Hobbes when a kid grows up, he has to be something. He can't stay the way he is. He says a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. He asks Hobbes why. Hobbes says there's no room for improvement. As they walk off, Calvin says of all the luck, his parents had to be humans. Hobbes tells him not to take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.

Calvin tells Hobbes he tries to make television watching a complete forfeiture of experience. He keeps his jaw slack, tries not to swallow so he drools, and keeps his eyes half-focused. He takes passive entertainment and extends it to his entire being. He's utterly inert. Hobbes walks away and says he's going before Calvin starts attracting flies.

Hobbes asks if Calvin shouldn't be doing his homework. Calvin replies he quit doing it. It's bad for his self-esteem. Calvin says it sends the message he doesn't know enough. He feels bad if he doesn't get the right answer. As he rolls a snowball, Calvin says instead of trying to learn, he's concentrating on liking himself just the way he is. Hobbes asks if his self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus. Calvin says they should call it "informationally impaired".

As they roll two snowballs, Calvin tells Hobbes they shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about themselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. Calvin says he stopped doing homework because he's fine just the way he is. Hobbes asks if the secret to good self-esteem is to lower expectations to the point they're already met. Calvin says he's right. They should take pride in their mediocrity. Calvin looks at the snowman they made with only two snowballs. He says the snowman is good enough.

Calvin complains Dad made him do his homework. Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said when Calvin gets older, he'll discover there are few pleasures greater than learning. Calvin told him he'll learn when he's older. Dad replied if he didn't study now, this would be as old as he'd get. Hobbes tells him it sounds like he learned something already.

Calvin tells Hobbes Mom and Dad drive him crazy. They don't understand each other. Calvin says he's related to people he doesn't relate to.

At the top of the hill, toboggan ready to go, Calvin tells Hobbes they're peering down the dizzying depths of Doom Drop. Do they turn around and retreat to the security of hearth and home, or do they brave the descent, risk demise, and experience the flood of sensation. Calvin turns around to find Hobbes gone. Later, at home in front of the fireplace, Hobbes is lying on the floor. He tells Calvin he thought the question was rhetorical. Calvin says it was, the other way.

Calvin tells Hobbes there's no pride in craftsmanship anymore. Calvin explains most kids just mush a bunch of snow together to make a snowball. There's no time for aesthetics. But when he makes a snowball, it's a work of art. He looks at the snow and says it's a bit too powdery. It won't sting properly. He prefers a wetter snow. Something that will knock the wind out of the recipient. How much loose rubble is acceptable before it affects aerodynamics? Calvin says no one thinks of these things. It's a lost tradition. His snowballs are unique masterpieces. Calvin winds up and yells to Susie. She whirls around and hits Calvin with four snowballs. Lying on the snow, Calvin says it's a crass culture. Hobbes says artists always suffer.

Calvin tells Mom that Dad's calling her. She leaves her chair. Mom comes back. Calvin acts surprised that Dad wasn't calling her. He had put Hobbes on the chair. He tells Mom that Hobbes took her chair. Mom leaves, and Hobbes tells Calvin that he likes his chairs pre-warmed.

Calvin shows Hobbes his snow sculpture "Bourgeois Buffoon". He says Mom rejected his grant application to continue making them. Hobbes asks why Calvin needs a grant. Calvin says he's on the cutting edge of art. His work deserves public support. Hobbes asks what happens if the public doesn't like his work. Calvin explains they're not supposed to like it . He's criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate his art. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin will take their money. Calvin asks if Hobbes expects him to suffer.

Hobbes tells Calvin his latest snowman doesn't look avant-garde. It looks like a regular snowman with a pipe, hat, and shovel in its hand. Calvin says this is his new art movement, "neo-regionalism". He's appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple rural values of America 50 years ago. Calvin figures the public will love it, and he'll make a fortune. Hobbes asks how that's avant-garde. Calvin tells him it's secretly ironic.

Calvin yells that he can see Hobbes with a snowball. He taunts Hobbes to throw it. He says Hobbes couldn't hit the side of a barn. POW! Lying on his back in the snow, Calvin tells Hobbes he couldn't have done that if Calvin hadn't boosted his adrenaline by taunting him.

Calvin says that it seems the only time people go outside is to walk to their cars. He wonders if they're so sheltered and comfortable that they've lost touch with the natural world. Calvin asks Hobbes, as a wild animal close to nature, what they're put on earth to do. What is their purpose in life? Hobbes says they're here to devour each other alive. Calvin stands there. Inside the house, he's turning on the lights and turning up the heat.

In the bathtub, Calvin tells Hobbes that Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Do what you can with what you have where you are". Hobbes says that's good advice. Calvin doubts Teddy was in the tub when he said that.

Calvin cheers because he's beaten Hobbes at checkers. He clenches his hands and declares himself the champion, the best there is, the top of the heap. He stands there, smiling. Then he asks if this is all there is.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he knows about love. Hobbes won't tell him. Calvin asks why he won't talk about it. Hobbes asks about the nice weather. Calvin is angry Hobbes won't tell him what he knows. Hobbes says maybe when Calvin is older. Calvin bets Hobbes doesn't know anything about love. That's why he won't tell him. Hobbes walks off suggesting Calvin should believe that if he wants. They fight, with Calvin demanding to know, and Hobbes refusing to tell. Calvin asks for a hint. Hobbes says "snoogy-woogy wips". Calvin is grossed out. Hobbes tells Calvin that he warned him he wasn't old enough.

Calvin is playing with his toy truck and cars. Behind him, Hobbes pounces. Calvin is knocked out of his clothes. Mom brings Calvin his clothes, saying she doesn't understand why he has to take off his clothes to play cars. She says it's weird. Calvin, standing in his underwear with Hobbes next to him, tells Mom to just give him the clothes.

Calvin says the problem with rock-and-roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. He says rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but the stars are zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks. The "revolution" is a capitalist industry. Calvin says he's found some protest music for today's youth. He says this stuff really offends Mom and Dad. Hobbes listens to the easy-listening Muzak. He covers his ears. Calvin says he plays it real quiet, too.

Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to pay any dues in life. He wants to be an overnight success, with the world handed to him on a silver platter. Hobbes rolls his eyes, walks off, and says "Good luck". Calvin yells after him that surely he concedes Calvin deserves it.

Calvin walks along and steps on a twig. It snaps. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Hobbes gets up saying instinct kicked in before he knew it was Calvin. Calvin, on the ground beneath Hobbes, yells that Hobbes knew darn well it was him.

Calvin is standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. He tells Hobbes he wishes he was still in bed. He'd hear the wind blowing the rain against the windows, he'd pull the blankets up, he'd get cozy, and fall back asleep. He says instead, he's outside, cold and wet, waiting for the bus to take him to the gulag. Hobbes says he hopes the sheets are still warm when he gets back in. Calvin tells him to rub it in.

Calvin tells Hobbes people don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like him. He says it's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than anyone else. He complains people refuse to see he's the crux of all history, a boy of destiny. Hobbes says he supposes one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Calvin says that's another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect.

A paw, a back, whiskers. Hobbes is on the prowl. He sees Calvin. Calvin sees him, and starts to run. Hobbes tracks him down, leaps, and pounces on Calvin. They fight. In bed, Hobbes is asleep, gnawing on his pillow, while Calvin stares. Hobbes wakes and looks at the pillow, all torn to pieces. Calvin is looking at it in horror. Hobbes smiles, yawns, and goes back to sleep. Calvin pulls his covers up tight and looks at Hobbes with wide eyes.

SMASH! Mom runs into the other room to see Calvin with a baseball bat. The chair is knocked over, and the lamp is broken. Calvin says he's a tricky devil, but he'll get him sooner or later. Mom throws Calvin outside. Sitting against a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes apparently he rates just below bugs with Mom. Hobbes says that she complains Calvin doesn't help around the house.

Calvin runs from Mom, saying he doesn't need a bath. He says he'll lick himself clean. He says that's what Hobbes does. He says he's getting clean like him. Later, Calvin is wrapped in a towel, having had a bath. Hobbes looks out from the wash machine, where he, also, has been cleaned. He tells Calvin, "Nice going".

Calvin darts out of the classroom. Spaceman Spiff flees his Bloatoid captors. He scrambles into his spacecraft. He hits the hyper-thrust drive. He's soon just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space. He's free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe. Outside, Hobbes is happy Calvin could come home so early. Calvin suggests they go exploring and find some gross bugs. Inside, Mom answers the phone. The school tells her what happened.

Calvin is picking up sticks in the yard. Dad wants to mow the lawn. Dad told Calvin he might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. Hobbes asks if he did. Calvin says he supposes so. He thinks Dad is trying to tell him there is none.

Hobbes lies on the ground dozing, while Calvin stands behind him. Calvin tells a short poem about his tiger being asleep, dreaming of a sprinting sambar who'll soon be dismembered. Calvin walks away, while Hobbes hums contentedly in his sleep.

Calvin says an article he's reading says by age six, most children have watched 5000 hours of TV. Calvin says he hasn't watched that much. He complains about being deprived of cultural references and being ignorant of countless amazing products. He rushes off saying he can get in a few extra hours of TV watching before bedtime. As Calvin watches TV, Hobbes says it's remedial vegetation.

Calvin applies for a job as a newspaper advice columnist. He shows Hobbes some sample answers to people who write in. Hobbes reads "Stop whining and get a life, Bozo". He reads three others that read much the same way. Hobbes tells him that covers about everything. Calvin asks if he can imagine doing that for money. He calls it a racket.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes in the devil, a being dedicated to the corruption and destruction of man. Hobbes tells him he isn't sure man needs the help. Calvin says you just can't talk to animals about these things.

Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's learned that everyone has his prices. If you raise the ante enough, there's no such thing as scruples. People will do anything if the price is right. Hobbes asks what his price is. Calvin tells him two bucks cash, up front. Hobbes doesn't know which is worse, that everyone has a price or that the price is always so low. Calvin offers that he'd make his price higher, but it's hard finding buyers as it is.

Hobbes lies on the floor, while Calvin says tigers have no ambition or drive. He asks Hobbes how he justifies himself. Hobbes keeps lying there. Calvin joins him, and they both lie down.

Calvin asks Susie to do him a big favor. He asks her to go to his house, open the front door, and yell that she's home. Susie asks why. Calvin says it's just a dare. Susie doesn't want to. Calvin gives her a quarter to do it. Calvin stands at the bottom of the steps as Susie opens the door. He knows this is going to be great. Susie yells "I'm home". Calvin laughs that she won't know what hit her. Susie turns around and thanks Calvin for the quarter. Calvin angrily heads for the door, wondering where Hobbes' killer instinct is. KAPOW! Hobbes grabs Calvin and sails off the steps. Calvin, lying on the ground, says never trust a tiger. Hobbes happily runs off saying he can always tell when it's Calvin by the bad smell.

Calvin decides he'll believe in astrology and horoscopes. He says it only makes sense every facet of their daily lives should depend on the position of celestial bodies millions of miles away. Calvin points to the paper, which has a horoscope which reads "Many key policies implemented". He says he has to have his way. Hobbes can't believe those mischievous planets. Calvin says the newspaper couldn't print it if it wasn't true.

Calvin reads his horoscope. He says he's fated to get his way. Hobbes asks what his key policies are. As they go outside to play, Calvin says the first is "don't do homework". Later, Hobbes notices Mom coming over. He says it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Calvin says he'll assert his views in a confident manner.

Calvin is doing homework. Hobbes says Mom didn't care about the lunar sanction of his no homework policy. Calvin says the horoscope said many of his policies would be implemented, not all of them. It says to expect a turnabout in his favor. Calvin figures that means Mom will relent next time. Hobbes asks what Calvin's other key policies are. No baths, don't go to school, stay up late. Those are the ones that will be implemented. Hobbes wonders if the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope.

Mom tells Calvin to take a bath, but Calvin says she has no say in the matter. Mom pushes him along. He says his horoscope says circumstances will turn in his favor. He says all human affairs are determined by stars and planets. They say his key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime. In the tub, Calvin says it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe.

Calvin complains that not a single part of his horoscope came true. He wonders what went wrong. How could planets and stars be misread? What kind of science is this? Calvin wonders if tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology.

Calvin asks if the horoscope has a retraction. Hobbes says no, there is just a new one for today. He reads it to Calvin. It mentions popularity rising and big dividends. Calvin figures that's good. Hobbes continues. It mentions emphasizing romance. The opposite sex finds him irresistible. Calvin is horrified. Hobbes suggests that he knows what the big dividends are.

Walking in the woods, Calvin says it's strange evolution would give them a sense of humor. He thinks it's weird they have a physiological response to absurdity. He asks Hobbes if it isn't odd they appreciate absurdity. He asks how a sense of humor benefits them. Hobbes offers that if they couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, they couldn't react to a lot of life. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he can't tell if that's funny or really scary.

At the bus stop, Calvin says maybe today's horoscope won't come true. Hobbes teases him about the horoscope saying "opposite sex finds you irresistible". Calvin says he doesn't believe it astrology anymore. It's all phony. Hobbes keeps teasing Calvin. Calvin says yesterday's prediction didn't come true, so today's won't either. Hobbes asks when the wedding is. He asks if he should wear his spats. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes, saying Hobbes will be wearing a body cast. Hobbes says they'll see how Calvin kisses girls with a fat lip.

They continue fighting, while Calvin says he's never getting married. Here come Susie. Calvin says he has to discourage romance. Hobbes says smoldering passion is his fate. Susie says the dirt covering Calvin's features is a big improvement. Calvin whispers that it's true. He's a love magnet.

Calvin tells Susie to stay away. He says the stars and planets are doing this. His aura is uncontrollable. Susie wonders what he's talking about. Calvin races to the bus, saying he's safe. He's happy he's off to school. Susie walks to the bus, saying the way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.

Hobbes asks Calvin if Susie kissed him. Calvin says that after he put the worm in her hair, she knocked him down and kicked him. Calvin says his horoscope was completely wrong again. The planets have no influence on him. He says it's a relief to know his life isn't controlled by outside forces. He's a master of his own fate. Later, in the bathtub, Hobbes adds that is true, to a point. Calvin says Mom's predictions should be in the paper. Those sure come true.

Calvin says everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you have to wait until it happens. The best preparation is to take the present, and.... Calvin trips over a rock and falls into some mud. Hobbes finishes the sentence with ...think about what you're doing. Calvin gets up and tells Hobbes no, ...get yourself a good luck charm.

Calvin looks like a childishly drawn person with stick fingers. What has happened to Calvin? He is a crude black outline barely containing garish color. His eyes don't point the same direction. His nostrils look like a pig's. His hands are balls with sticks in them. His feet face out sideways. How can he stand up? His face shows no spark of intelligence. What can be done? He suddenly has a beard and horns. Then he's scribbled upon. Calvin yells that he hates drawing. He says it's a waste of time. Hobbes thought it was getting pretty good at the end.

Calvin is supposed to write a paragraph about what Dads do. Hobbes reads the paper. "Mostly he gets on my nerves. The end". Hobbes suggests he might get a point for succinctness. Calvin asks what else there is to say.

Calvin tells Hobbes his gum has lost its flavor. He adds another piece instead of spitting the old one out. After a few packs, it's like chewing a big, soggy sock. Hobbes is disgusted. He says an orifice is an amusing thing, all right.

Calvin gets the new issue of Chewing magazine. He reads the cover to find the different stories. Tongue exercises, fashion kneepads, and an interview with Bazooka Joe. Calvin explains to Hobbes it's all target marketing. They find your special interest and nail you. Hobbes comments that advertising was intrusive enough before. Calvin sees the '92 Spearmints are out. He has to get to a store.

Hobbes can't believe there's a magazine for gum chewers. Calvin explains there are many such magazines. Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the melting pot. Calvin says there's no money in it.

Calvin reads an article comparing the top five gum brands. He shows Hobbes graphs so that you can choose the proper gum for your chewing style. Hobbes asks what kind of nut would care about this. Calvin tells him everyone. You can quantify your enjoyment. Hobbes thought fun was supposed to be fun. Calvin prefers to trust the experts.

Calvin reads an ad for a new gum. He wonders if he's cool enough to chew it. He wonders if chewing it would make him cool. Calvin asks Hobbes if he should buy some. Hobbes tells him to do it if his emotional security depends on satisfying a need Calvin didn't have before reading the ad.

Calvin peeks around a corner to see a box of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He leaps on it and tears it apart, scattering cereal everywhere. He sits munching the cereal off the floor. He tells Hobbes that he was right, food does taste better that way.

Calvin tells Hobbes most people muddle through their lives. He says he's going to have an epic life. He's going to wrestle the issues of the age and change history. Hobbes asks how he'll do that. Calvin explains he's going to sit and wait, so opportunity knows where to find him when it's time to change the world. Lying against the tree, Hobbes wishes he'd brought a book to read. Calvin says it will be any minute now.

Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says ignorance is bliss. You start seeing problems everywhere, then you try to fix them. Fixing problems seems to require personal change, and that means doing things that aren't fun. Calvin says if you're willfully stupid, you can do whatever you like. The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest. Hobbes yells they're heading for the cliff. Calvin covers his eyes and doesn't want to know about it. Off they go! Lying on the ground, Hobbes doesn't know if he can stand so much bliss. Calvin says he doesn't want to learn anything from this.

In the wagon, Calvin says he isn't going to read the newspaper, follow complex issues, or vote. That way, he can complain the government doesn't represent him. When everything fails, he can say the system doesn't work and justify a further lack of participating. Hobbes calls it an ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. Calvin says it's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.

Hobbes wakes up, stretches, and walks over to the window. He lies down again. Calvin asks if the darn old sun moved some more. Hobbes tells him to hush.

Calvin complains about his assignment to think up a story, write and illustrate it. He says he's not a novelist. He can't tell stories. Hobbes suggests he explains the noodle incident. Calvin yells that wasn't a story, it was the unvarnished truth. Hobbes says he's modest. He says Calvin deserved a Pulitzer.

Calvin plays in his sandbox. Hobbes asks if he has a story idea yet. Calvin says he's has to be in the right mood. Hobbes asks what mood that is. Calvin says "last-minute panic".

Calvin complains these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to hate to write. He asks how you can be creative when someone's breathing down your neck. Hobbes says not to think about the end result and just have fun with the process of creating. Calvin says when he does that, he ends up in the school psychologist's office.

Calvin has an idea. Hobbes asks if it's for his story. He says it's a way he won't have to write one. He pulls out his time machine from the closet. Calvin says he'll go into the future a few hours. The story will be done by then, so he'll pick it up and bring it back to the present. Hobbes says something doesn't make sense, and he thinks it's him sitting in the box.

The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. They're making a list of what girls are good for. Calvin starts by saying they're good for water balloon targets. He adds they're also good for nothing. Calvin says they're good for colonizing Pluto. Hobbes says they're good for smooching. Calvin is shocked. He demotes Hobbes. Hobbes declares you can't suppress facts. Calvin asks how he knows it's a fact. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes. Hobbes says he saw Calvin do it. Hobbes says he saw Mom kiss Calvin on the cheek. They stop fighting. Calvin admits Mom is a girl. Hobbes points out that according to club rules, he should be excommunicated. They give presidential pardons all around. Hobbes makes an amendment saying smooching is optional if it's your Mom.

Calvin and Hobbes time travel to the future. They meet the 8:30 Calvin. The 8:30 Hobbes asks the 6:30 Hobbes why he always goes on these things.

The 6:30 Calvin asks if the homework is done. It's not. The 6:30 Calvin asks why not. The 8:30 Calvin says that two hours ago, he went to the future to get it. One Hobbes says he knew this would never work, and the other says he's right as always.

The two Calvins go back to make the 7:30 Calvin do the homework. The two Hobbes' talk. One says this has to be the least efficient way to write a paper. The other says all this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once.

The Hobbes' figure none of the Calvins will write the story. They decide to write it. They choose to write about Calvin. One of the Hobbes' says it's easy to draw Calvin. You just make a big mouth and add some hair.

The Calvins return to 8:30. The Hobbes' give Calvin the story. The 6:30 Calvin and Hobbes are going to return. Mom calls for Calvin. The 8:30 Calvin tells Mom not to come in. He's changing into his PJs.

Mom asks if Calvin wrote his story. He says Hobbes helped, and he had to do a lot of time traveling. Mom asks if the story is written. Calvin says it is, but he hasn't read it.

At home, Calvin complains to Hobbes about the story saying Calvin tried to get out of writing the story by time traveling. Calvin complains the drawing was of three of him fighting. He says he was a laughingstock. Hobbes asks what grade he got. Calvin says it was an "A+". Miss Wormwood wrote the "tiger" narration was a clever touch and is glad he's finally applying himself. Hobbes thinks he should send it to the New Yorker.

Calvin says baseball is an intelligent sport. He says it may seem slow, but that's because it's a thinking man's game. There's a lot of strategy to consider. Hobbes says "especially the way we play". Calvin says the first person to discover 12th base gets a ghost point and one free "get out of jail" pass.

Calvin calls the library with a disguised voice. He is looking for vulgar synonyms for body functions. They hang up on him. Calvin tells Hobbes librarians are a sharp bunch.

Calvin and Hobbes have on cowboy hats. Calvin says the town isn't big enough for the two of them. Hobbes says they'll have to annex part of the county. As they look at a map, Calvin says Mom won't let them play with guns. Hobbes wants to be the zoning board.

Calvin belches at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin offers "Great diaphragm control". In bed, Calvin says she'll be sorry when he's a famous soloist for the orchestra. Hobbes wonders if Mom thinks his pitch is off.

Calvin, as a fly, zips around the room. He annoys everyone with his incessant whine. He gets into the cookies. He's a menace to sanity and health. He laughs. Later, Calvin walks up to Hobbes while holding his rear. Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says he got swatted.

Hobbes asks Calvin how he knows his ideas are great. Calvin tells him because it says so on the sign and offers one. Hobbes doesn't have a dollar. Calvin offers to take 50 cents down and charge 100% interest in dime installments over the next ten days. Hobbes leaves. Calvin complains people don't know a great idea when they hear one.

Calvin is eating his second bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He says the pleasure of the first bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls, and by the third bowl he feels sick. Hobbes says maybe he shouldn't use chocolate milk. Calvin says he tried cola, but the bubbles went up his nose.

Calvin checks his schedule for the day. He says it says "do nothing" every day through August. Hobbes likes that itinerary. They run outside to get right to it.

Calvin wonders how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin but couldn't name it better than "the big bang". Hobbes asks what Calvin would call it. Calvin says "the horrendous space kablooie". Hobbes thinks that is better. He suggests they lobby to change it.

Calvin has some clay. He asks Hobbes if he wants to help him. Hobbes wants a smock. Calvin tells him the clay isn't messy. Hobbes yells that he wants a smock. Calvin gets a shirt for Hobbes. Hobbes wants to write on the smock. "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock". Calvin guesses it wouldn't show if Dad wore his suit coat.

Hobbes likes his smock. Calvin divides the clay. Hobbes says you can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Calvin tells Hobbes to knead the clay so it can be modeled. Hobbes decides he likes to say smock, so he does...over and over. Calvin wonders what's wrong with Hobbes.

Calvin says art is dead. He says popular art is the way to influence people. He says that's the only way to make serious money, and that's what's important about being an artist. Hobbes asks what kind of sculpture he's making. Calvin corrects Hobbes by saying it's not "sculpture", but rather "collectible figurines".

Calvin says fine art expresses original truths. He says nobody likes truth. Popular art knows the customer is always right. People want more of what they know they like. Hobbes asks how the movie sequels are this summer. Calvin says there's nothing he hates more than paying money and having to deal with some new plot.

Hobbes makes a tiger. Calvin says no one will buy it. He says it's boring. Hobbes says he just wanted to make it. Calvin wonders if this is some snobby, elitist, aesthetic thing.

Calvin shows Mom the tiger Hobbes made. She likes it. She wants to put it on the coffee table. Calvin shows her the shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters he made. Mom is grossed out. The tiger goes on the coffee table. Calvin tells Hobbes to gloat now, because some day he'll be richer than Hobbes.

Calvin looks at the night sky and tells Hobbes people would live a lot differently if people looked at the stars. He says when you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do all day. Hobbes says they spent their day looking under rocks in the creek. Calvin says he means other people.

Calvin hops over Hobbes. He lands on his back, then climbs over Hobbes' head. Hobbes grabs Calvin and says they shouldn't play that anymore. Calvin says it's not his fault Hobbes makes a very big frog.

A monster under Calvin's bed is trying to make him go to the bathroom by making water sounds. Calvin knows when he gets out of bed, the monster will suck out his innards. Calvin tells Hobbes the plan is working. He knows he can't make it till morning. Calvin says he has to go, but he can't get out of bed. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do. The next day, Dad is talking to Mom outside the house. He mentions to Mom that the plants on that side of the house don't do very well. Above them is Calvin's bedroom window.

Calvin tells Hobbes he saw a cloud that looked like him. Calvin says it was a sign. Hobbes asks what it was a sign of. Calvin replies a peculiar high altitude wind. Hobbes says science takes the fun out of the portent business.

Calvin tells Hobbes people are self-centered. Calvin says the world would be a better place if people stopped thinking about themselves and focused on others. Hobbes rolls his eyes and asks who that might apply to. Calvin says himself. Everyone should focus more on him.

Calvin is stuck while trying to write his autobiography. He tells Hobbes he can't remember the first half of his life. Hobbes suggests Mom might know what Calvin did. Calvin says he asked her. She said he did revolting things that were probably unpublishable. Hobbes understands why Calvin suppressed the memories. Calvin wonders if he was in jail.

Calvin walks past Hobbes, who's lying on the floor. Calvin continues, then Hobbes leaps on Calvin. As Hobbes runs off, Calvin says tigers have no setting between "off" and "high".

Calvin tells Hobbes that bugs fly in such crazy loops, he wonders why they don't get dizzy and barf. Hobbes suggests maybe they do. Calvin thinks that's gross, but wonders why they'd keep flying that way. Hobbes suggests maybe they like to barf, and he starts to laugh. Calvin is grossed out, but he laughs. As they walk off, Calvin says it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.

Calvin opens the refrigerator and tells Hobbes that one of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and more intense. He decides to stick his nose in a mustard jar and inhale deeply. His eyes flare open and he flies up into the air. Calvin says when you're older, you take your sinuses for granted. Hobbes walks off saying some of us prefer to.

Calvin is reading a book under a tree. Hobbes asks how it is. Hobbes asks if it's gripping. Calvin says it is. Hobbes suggests Calvin wash his hands. Calvin pulls his hand from the book and says it's peanut butter mixed with bubble gum.

Calvin runs up and hits a golf ball with a golf club. He stops as the ball flies back over his head. He and Hobbes are chasing the ball. Calvin tackles Hobbes, then fights with him. Calvin escapes, but Hobbes pounces on him before he can hit the golf ball again. They fight, and Hobbes escapes to hit the ball. Hobbes holds Calvin away with his foot as he hits the ball again. Calvin says if you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a contact sport.

Calvin is glad the Captain Steroid comic has every issue as issue number one. He says that way, they're all collector items. He says they're so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags. That's a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Hobbes says he keeps buying bonds. Calvin shows Hobbes the great committee that drew the issue he has in hand.

Calvin complains to Mom that Hobbes reads his comic books before he does. He says Hobbes yells out what's happening while he reads. Calvin quotes from one of his comics. It involves Captain Steroid getting punched in the kidneys with a I-beam and bleeding all over. Mom asks to see the comic book. Calvin is afraid she'll read it first.

Calvin, reading a comic beneath the tree, tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't understand comic books. Calvin says they deal with serious issues of the day. He says comic book aren't just escapist fantasy, but they're sophisticated social critiques. Hobbes asks if Amazon Girl's super power is the ability to squeeze her figure into her suit. Calvin tells her they all can do that.

Calvin asks for Hobbes to boost him into a tree. Calvin plans to wait for Susie to walk underneath the tree, then he'll drop a water balloon on her. Hobbes asks what they'll do if she doesn't walk by. Calvin says they'll just sit in the tree all day. Hobbes loves summer. Calvin says the days are just packed.

Getting ready for his bath, Calvin shows Hobbes the grass stains on his skin. He says if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

Calvin tells Hobbes it's too hot to sleep with him in the bed. He says Hobbes blocks the breeze and takes up too much room. Hobbes opens the window. Calvin complains that isn't going to help. The problem is his big, furry body. Hobbes grabs Calvin and puts him on the garage roof. Lying on it, with his pillow, Calvin says Mom can't imagine how his pajamas get so gritty.

Calvin sits at an upside-down box that offers swift kicks in the butt for a dollar. Hobbes asks how business is, and Calvin tells him it's terrible. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's hard to believe. Calvin can't understand it. He says everybody he knows needs what he's selling.

In their blow-up pool, Hobbes kneels at one end. Calvin looks at his watch. Hobbes falls forward, touching the other side. Calvin tells him that when you're as long as the swimming pool, swimming a lap in zero seconds isn't a record.

Calvin says he doesn't have to go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. Dad tells him that he does, it's in the contract. Calvin wonders what contract. Dad explains it's a standard prenatal form. Dad had power of attorney since Calvin was just a few cells. Paragraph two specifies bedtime. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad says he can renegotiate when he's 18. Hobbes says the 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to his prom date.

Calvin asks Hobbes why he sleeps so much. Hobbes tells him he likes to be rested when things start to happen. Calvin walks away wondering what he's talking about. Nothing ever happens around there. Hobbes pounces on an unsuspecting Calvin.

Calvin wants to find a poisonous snake. Hobbes asks what they'll do if they see one. Calvin tells him they'll scare themselves silly, run around in circles, and scream like loons. Hobbes looks forward to when they're old enough to get their morning jolt from coffee. Calvin says he bets that wears off quicker.

Calvin has discovered a little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's good to know. Calvin says if he wasn't such a muttonhead, he might have thought of it himself. Calvin, stuck into the ground, says Hobbes just proved his point.

In poem form, aliens come, drain the ocean, suck up the clouds and air. People cry for the aliens to stop. The aliens reply that while they're sorry to learn the people will soon be dead, they prefer their extinction to the loss of the aliens' job. Calvin shows Hobbes his science fiction story. He asks if it's too far-fetched. Hobbes says it's not enough, really.

Calvin's hair is flat on one side. He says he slept on it funny. He wonders if it will stay that way if he mousses it. Hobbes wonders if Mom has curlers for the back.

Calvin calls information operator. He asks the difference between a hot dog, a wiener, and a frankfurter. He gets angry with their reply. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's heard the "operator" isn't even a surgeon. Hobbes says you can't trust anyone.

Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's done his part to make the world a better place to live. He was born. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he forgot to thank Calvin. Calvin tells him to join the club.

Calvin complains because of the heat. He says animals are dumb to have all that fur. Hobbes replies people are sure ugly without it. Calvin walks off betting Hobbes is so cranky because he's so hot.

Calvin runs past Hobbes, telling him to run from the hornets that are coming. Calvin says they're insane with rage and calls them lousy bugs. Hobbes asks what they're mad about. Calvin says he's been throwing rocks at their nest all morning. Hobbes puts Calvin on a tree branch. Calvin yells that a real friend wouldn't take their side.

In bed, Calvin says Mom wants him to try an experiment. Mom's theory is that if Calvin doesn't think about them will make them go away. Hobbes offers that the idea of being dragged under the bed and devoured by monsters has a way of gripping the mind. Calvin adds that Mom and Dad don't go away when he stops thinking about them.

Calvin tells Hobbes that they monsters will come out when they turn the lights off. He wants to figures out some way to live with them. Hobbes says it's hard to coexist with things that want to kill you. Calvin says they have to do something. Hobbes says they are. They're staying awake all night with the lights on.

Calvin feels an obligation to keep a journal. He says his ideas are more interesting than other people's. Hobbes says that's very philanthropic of him. Calvin says the world won't get it cheap. Hobbes asks what he's writing. Calvin couldn't think of anything, so he's drawing Martians attacking Indianapolis.

Calvin wishes his shirt had a logo on it. He says a good shirt turns the wearer into a walking billboard. It says the wearer pays to advertise the company's products. Calvin says endorsing products is the American way to express individuality.

Calvin asks for the strength to change what he can, the inability to accept what he can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. Hobbes says he should lead an interesting life.

Calvin cracks an egg to see if it's hot enough to fry on the sidewalk. He and Hobbes look at it and decide it's not hot enough. It's a mess. They run off. Calvin bets it's hotter on the car dash.

Calvin hates hearing about social responsibility. He wonders what happened to greed and the consumption of wealth. He hasn't gotten to participate. Hobbes suggests it's the "me decade" left without its poster child.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting outside on the porch. Calvin ate a Popsicle, and his tongue is purple, his face sticky red. His fingers are gummy, and his shirt is dripping wet. He's a syrupy mess. He wonders who he can hug. Hobbes moves away from Calvin.

As Calvin passes Hobbes lying on the floor, he says it's hard to believe his conscience lets him sleep that well. Calvin walks on. Hobbes gets up, stalks, and pounces on Calvin. Hobbes returns to his spot, lies down, yawns, and says "now it does".

Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says he doesn't agree that the entertainment industry caters to the lowest common denominator of public taste. Calvin thinks if they could find a way to aim even lower, they'd make real money. He figures there must be a way to cram more violence into 90 minutes.

Mom tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin says he's not going. He tells her not to be so dysfunctional. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he has a new entry for his list of words that get a reaction.

Calvin is standing with an umbrella. He says his motto is "be prepared". He has a dart gun, comic books, gum, a map of Montana, and a few other things. Hobbes says everyone should carry a kit like that. Calvin says the umbrella doubles as a parachute.

Calvin says his genes contain the evolutionary perfection of DNA. He's the culmination of creation. Hobbes looks down the back of Calvin's pants. He says he doesn't think so. Calvin has no tail. Calvin says his butt doesn't need aesthetic enhancement.

Calvin wants Hobbes to take a picture of him. He holds a book, looking contemplative. Hobbes asks why he wants a picture like that. Calvin tells him that on the off-chance he does something responsible with his life, he'll need to establish a fictitious childhood.

Calvin says people think cameras always tell the truth. He says cameras lie all the time. If you select the facts, you manipulate the truth. He's cleared a corner of his bed. If Hobbes takes a picture of him, and crops out the mess around him, it looks like he keeps his room tidy. Hobbes asks if this is legal. Calvin runs off to comb his hair and put on a tie.

Calvin gets a picture of him looking well-adjusted and playing sports. Hobbes says Calvin hates sports. Calvin says people believe what they see. Now he has a document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs. He thinks that's pretty shrewd. Hobbes asks what happens if the photographer doesn't keep quiet. Later, Calvin grumbles about Hobbes driving a hard bargain as Hobbes reads Calvin's comic books.

Calvin says he's a simple man. Hobbes tells him that yesterday, he wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet. Calvin modifies his statement that he's a simple man with complex tastes.

Hobbes pounces on Calvin, drags him along, then dumps him on the floor. Calvin says he needs to make friends with some less territorial animals.

Calvin wishes he was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Hobbes angrily points out attacking running animals involves physics. There's velocity, gravity, and laws of motion. Not to mention all the biology they have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all. Calvin never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. Hobbes, with arms crossed, says his dissertation on ethics was very well received.

In his wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's figured out how he can achieve success without hard work. He has to find a profession where everyone in it is worse than he is. Hobbes says that might take hard work.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he isn't supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin is pretty sure the assignment was optional. Hobbes says denial springs eternal. Calvin says it isn't denial. He's very selective about the reality he accepts.

Calvin says a day without denial is one you've got to face. He's not going to think of anything that's unpleasant. Hobbes asks if that isn't a self-deceiving way to go through life. Calvin says he isn't going to think about that.

Calvin doesn't like real experience. It's too hard to figure out. He prefers to have life filtered through television. Then you know events have been packaged for your convenience. If you don't like what's happening, "click", you change the channel. That's how life should be. Hobbes says "click" and trips Calvin. As Calvin falls, Hobbes holds his paws up like a television screen and says it's a farce. Calvin chases Hobbes.

Dad asks what story Calvin wants him to read except....Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad says he's read that a million times. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says Calvin knows how the story goes. It's the same story every day. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Later in bed, with eyes wide open, Calvin says the story was different that time. Hobbes wonders if the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head.

Calvin points out how Hobbes' tail flips around. He wonders which butt muscles control that. He can clench his butt, but he doesn't think it would wiggle a tail. He walks off saying he's never thought of butt muscles before. Hobbes says some things don't need the thought people give them.

Calvin makes a springboard. He says Mom won't get him one. He's going to do the highest jump into a leaf pile Hobbes has ever seen. He puts a board on a log, then puts a rock on one end of the board. Calvin runs up and jumps on the other end of the board. The rock flies up, hits Calvin in the head, and Calvin falls down. Hobbes asks why Mom wouldn't get a springboard. Calvin says she was afraid he'd hurt himself.

Calvin says he isn't going to do his math homework. He says numbers are in mortal combat with each other. One will get subtracted. Why? How? If he answered those questions, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn possibilities into boring facts. Hobbes says he never thought about the literary qualities of math. Calvin closes the book, saying he prefers to savor the mystery.

Mom checks the thermometer. Calvin has a fever. He says his throat's scratchy. She tells Calvin to rest on the sofa, and she'll bring him some soup. Hobbes hungrily peeks over the back of the sofa. He asks Calvin if he isn't feeling well. Calvin is horrified. He yells that he's fine and is the picture of health. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin says he knows what he's thinking. He says if Hobbes tries to carry him off to dispatch, he'll be in for a big surprise. Mom brings the soup and notices he's sweaty. Calvin says other people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak.

Hobbes is sleeping on the floor. Calvin runs up and blows on Hobbes' belly. Calvin, walking away with scratches all over, says that while it's a high price to pay, nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life.

Calvin is going to throw the football to Hobbes. Calvin tells him to go deep, but Hobbes says this is as far as Calvin can throw. Calvin denies that, so Hobbes offers to get closer. They threaten each other. After they've fought, Calvin guesses this is an incomplete. Hobbes thinks it's good they don't have to fight some other team.

Hobbes looks for the football. They can't find it. Calvin suggests Hobbes look over there. Calvin takes off running with the football under his shirt. He says it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

Hobbes looks for Calvin, who hides with the football behind a bush. They cross the stream. Calvin hides in the mailbox. Calvin hides in the sandbox. Running around a tree, Calvin says every sport should be played cross-country.

Calvin runs with the football. Hobbes tackles him. Calvin gets up and says it's a fumble. He asks if Hobbes is going to get it. Hobbes tells him he can have it. Calvin says it's not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win.

Calvin shows Hobbes the letter he received. He notices it has a local postmark and wonders who would send a weird letter like that. Hobbes wonders if it's from a girl. Calvin drops the letter in horror, wondering if the post office doesn't screen anything.

Calvin isn't sure he wants to open the letter. It might be a mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters. He sees the note is cut and pasted letters from a magazine. Hobbes reads the letter. It contains instructions for a code and says a coded message will follow.

Calvin thinks this is real secret agent stuff. He figures the message must be super top secret and important. He wonders what it will be and when he'll find out. Hobbes says it's a good thing Calvin is the patient type. Calvin is so excited, he has to use the bathroom.

Calvin races inside the house wondering if he got a letter. Calvin opens the coded message. They decode it. It says "Calvin is a porridge brain". Hobbes says some people have secret admirers. Calvin has a secret detractor.

Calvin angrily crumples the coded message. Calvin wonders what kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble to insult him. He knows the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Mom hands Calvin another letter.

Calvin sees the skull on the envelope. It's from the secret insulter. This one reads "You look like a baboon and you smell like one, too! Ha. Ha". Calvin yells aloud wondering who could be sending these. Hobbes looks at Calvin and says a reckless exaggerator. He says Calvin doesn't look like a baboon. Calvin yells that Hobbes is a big help.

Calvin can't sleep. He wonders who's sending the insults and where it will stop. He's being driven crazy since there's no way to trace the lunatic. Calvin says this person has thought of everything. Mom looks at her cut up magazine and wonders who did it.

Calvin asks if he got another letter. Mom says when you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. Calvin doesn't know what she's talking about. Mom says she knows he's been putting out the notes for the mailman every day. Calvin asks if she means the notes are coming from their house. Mom tells Calvin to ask before he cuts up her magazines. Hobbes sits with scissors and magazine in hand. From the other room, Calvin asks where the miserable bunch of stripey orange flea bait is.

Calvin chases Hobbes. He says Hobbes has been sending the insults. He chases Hobbes around a tree. He stops. He admits the skull drawings were pretty cool. Hobbes says you can tell a good spy by his ominous logo.

Calvin and Hobbes fight. Calvin says he'll never forgive Hobbes. Hobbes whispers something to Calvin. They shake hands. Calvin says it's funny. They're pals again. Susie gets a message cut from magazines saying she smells.

Calvin complains about the November they're having. Leaves are down, but there's no snow. He yells for the snow to start. Nothing happens. As they walk off, Calvin says it's a lousy way to run a universe. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the work ethic.

Calvin has a paint-by-numbers kit. Hobbes points out that Calvin isn't painting in the lines and isn't using the colors that correspond to the numbers. Calvin looks at the kit. He says if he did that, he'd get the picture they show on the box.

Calvin says the fall mornings are pretty. They're ruined because he has to get on the school bus. Calvin says he didn't appreciate the fall mornings when he was a preschooler. Hobbes proclaims another squandered youth. Calvin says he was so young and foolish. He thought those days would last forever.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's growing his fingernails. He'll file them, so he'll have claws like Hobbes. Hobbes says his are retractable. Calvin trudges off complaining about no retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no fangs. He sighs.

Calvin's home and opens his door. He sees Hobbes coming at him. He turns to run. Hobbes pounces on him. He flies into the air. He falls to the ground. He asks Hobbes if he's noticed how time slows down during a catastrophe. Hobbes sighs that good times are always over so fast.

Calvin is angry with his connect-the-dots book. Calvin complains he didn't want to draw the duck, the book made him. He feels manipulated. His talent has been used against his will. Hobbes laments another blow to creative integrity. Calvin says from now on, he'll connect the dots his own way.

Calvin notices comic superheroes fight maniacs with plans to destroy the world. He wonders why they don't go after more realistic bad guys. Hobbes says the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor. Calvin sees the problem.

Calvin picks up a rock and shows Hobbes. He explains it took eons to get smooth like that. He explains it's a sedimentary rock, as opposed to igneous. He explains the difference to Hobbes. Hobbes tells Calvin he knows a lot about rocks. Calvin calls them ballistic missiles from God.

Calvin writes to Santa saying he only wants love and peace for his fellow man. He doesn't want any gifts. He tells Hobbes it's reverse psychology. Hobbes asks if Calvin doesn't think it's risky. Calvin crumples the note and tosses it.

Calvin writes to Santa, asking why his operation is at the North Pole. He wonders if it's cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. He wonders if that's the example Santa wants to set. Calvin tells Hobbes he's trying to put Santa on the defensive before he considers how good Calvin has been.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's having a lot of holiday stress. Hobbes asks why. He says Calvin doesn't shop for anyone, has two weeks off from school, and his parents do all the cooking and cleaning. Calvin says he doubts his greed for presents can overcome his desire to misbehave.

Calvin has a plan. He'll do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day between now and Christmas. Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year. Hobbes thinks ten is a lot. He says here comes Calvin's chance. Susie is coming. Calvin starts to make a snowball, saying maybe he'll start tomorrow and do twenty a day.

Hiding behind a snowman, Calvin has a clear shot at Susie. Hobbes says he thought Calvin was going to do ten acts of good will a day. Calvin says he'll do them after lunch. Hobbes tells him doing good deeds isn't going to impress Santa if he does bad things all morning. Calvin wonders if grazing her jaw would be in a gray area. Hobbes tells Calvin not to expect to play with his toys when Calvin doesn't get any.

Calvin wishes Santa would publish his guidelines for goodness. Calvin says if a nerd likes being good, it's easy for him to meet the standards. He says the true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an inclination toward evil. He thinks one good act by him is worth five good acts by a good-natured kid and asks if Hobbes agrees. He hits Susie with a snowball. As Calvin and Hobbes run off, Hobbes says in Calvin's case, the question is academic.

Calvin throws the snowball and hits Susie. Calvin thinks of Santa and says he's sorry to Susie. She chases him. Lying buried in snow, Calvin says if you suffer for your sins, they don't count. Hobbes thinks that's his only hope.

Calvin hands Hobbes a comic book. He says he can read it. Calvin tells him to be sure his hands are clean, and that he use sterilized tongs to turn the pages. Calvin proclaims one act of good will. Hobbes thinks spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant.

Calvin needs one more day of being good. He bets Santa's loading up the sleigh for deliveries. He couldn't be deciding how good Calvin is. Calvin figures if the decision is made, he doesn't have to impress him anymore. He's free to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what happens if he loads Calvin's stuff last to see what he does. Calvin figures one more day won't hurt.

On Christmas morning, Calvin sees a certificate for one day pounce-free of tiger attacks. He tells Hobbes he thinks of the best gifts. Sitting on the sofa in their robes, looking tired, Dad says this could have waited until sunrise. Mom tells him to take a picture.

Calvin notices the snow isn't deep enough for sledding, not wet enough to pack. He sighs. He says fortunately, he's the stoic type. Hobbes says he's an inspiration to us all.

Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin says everyone makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. He says it's not enough to change a few bad habits. Everyone he knows needs a personality overhaul. He'll spend the remaining days of the year telling people what he hates about them and how they should change. Hobbes says some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Calvin says his resolution is not to change one bit.

Calvin says the problem with the universe is that there are no toll-free hot line numbers for complaints. If the universe had decent management, they'd get a full refund if they weren't completely satisfied. Hobbes says the place is free. Calvin says they should have a cover charge and keep out the riffraff.

Calvin asks if Mom has anything she needs nails pounded into. Calvin says he has the tools and lots of nail sizes. She tells him no. He walks off asking her to let him know if she changes her mind. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wanted a girl. He just knows it.

Calvin wonders why people always seem so crabby and animals seem so content. Hobbes suggests it's because animals know they're superior. Calvin thought it was because animals got 15 hours of sleep every day. Hiding up in a tree, Calvin says he thinks animals are just as crabby as people are.

Calvin decides to stop caring about things. He says if you care, you get disappointed. If you don't care, nothing matters. He tells Hobbes his rallying cry is "so what". Hobbes says that's a tough cry to rally around.

Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman representing the spirit of the new year. The snowman has stick arms making it look like the snowman is looking to the distance. Calvin says it strides forward with confidence, calling forth the best qualities of human drive. Hobbes says that's very inspiring. They look over to other snowmen, built so they're laughing and pointing at the other snowman. Hobbes asks if those snowmen are the real world. Calvin tells him that's why they're glad when the old year is over.

As snow falls outside, Mom tries to wake Calvin up. From beneath the covers, he tells Mom he's not getting up until it's as warm outside as it is inside.

Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to go to school. He knows more than he wants to. Things were better when he didn't understand them. He's being educated against his will. He says his rights are being trampled. Hobbes asks if it's a right to remain ignorant. Calvin doesn't know, but he refuses to find out.

Calvin opens the door and says he's home. He ducks. No Hobbes. Calvin says hello, but nothing happens. He lifts the covers on his bed, and Hobbes tells him he's letting in cold air.

Calvin says problems look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break them into small chunks. He tells Hobbes he's supposed to read the entire history chapter in his school book. It looks impossible, so he breaks the problem down. Hobbes asks if he focuses on reading the first section. Calvin says he asks himself if he even cares.

Sitting in the chair, watching TV, Calvin tells Hobbes he's killing time to wait for life to shower him with meaning and happiness. Hobbes hopes he's comfy.

Calvin shows Hobbes his latest snow sculpture. Hobbes doesn't see anything. Calvin tells Hobbes art is dead. There's nothing to say, so art has no purpose. He signs his name in the snow and offers it to Hobbes for a million dollars. Hobbes says it doesn't match his furniture. Calvin says the problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who.

Hobbes looks at a snowman that has a frown. Calvin tells Hobbes the snowman knows it's a matter of time before the sun melts it. The snowman feels his life is meaningless. Hobbes asks if it is. Calvin says no, the snowman is going to buy a big screen TV.

Hobbes pulls the sled up the hill. Calvin complains he hates trudging up the hills. He didn't come out to work, he came out to play. Hobbes tells him he can't ride the sled if he doesn't climb the hills. Calvin says he can, if Hobbes pulls him up. Calvin, standing with the sled rope in hand and no Hobbes around, says Hobbes is lazy and selfish.

In the snow fort, Calvin and Hobbes complain nobody's attacked their fort. They're too popular. Calvin says he's a genius, so people are drawn to his intellect. Hobbes believes jungle cats are held in higher esteem. He says you can't take a kid out in public, but tigers add savoir faire to any social occasion. Calvin says at least kids don't have fleas. Hobbes counters that's because fleas can't stand the way kids smell. They threaten each other, then throw snowballs. As they lie on the ground, covered with snow, Hobbes suggests they don't need enemies. Calvin says best friends are all he can take.

Calvin sees Hobbes lying in the sunlight coming through the window. He sees Hobbes lying in front of the fireplace. He sees Hobbes lying on a heating register. Later, he sees Hobbes under the covers in bed. Calvin says all that fur must be strictly ornamental.

Calvin says nothing he does is his fault. He says his family is dysfunctional, so he's not self-actualized. He says his behavior is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic co-dependency. He need holistic healing before he'll accept responsibility for his actions. Hobbes says one of them needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. Calvin says he loves the culture of victimhood.

Calvin has built a snowman looking at a snowball. He tells Hobbes he's contemplating snowman evolution. If he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions. Hobbes asks if one of those would be the morality of throwing one's precursors at someone. Calvin says yes, and adds the question of shoveling one's genetic material off the walk.

Calvin stops when a snowball plops in front of him. He looks up. Horrified, he's hit by several snowballs. Up in the tree, Hobbes says it's that moment of dawning comprehension he lives for.

Calvin tells Hobbes he likes to verb words. He takes nouns and adjectives and uses them as verbs. He asks Hobbes if he remembers when "access" was a thing. Now, it's something you do. Calvin says verbing weirds language. Hobbes hopes they can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.

Calvin says the secret to great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in first. Hobbes asks if that's so they melt faster. Calvin says it's so you can fit 40 or 50 of them. The hot chocolate just fills in the cracks. Hobbes wondered why Calvin ate it with a fork. Calvin also doesn't use milk. He just heats the syrup.

Calvin has shoveled a path from the front steps around the house to the driveway. On each side of the path, in front of the door, and behind the car, there is a pile of snow. Calvin tells Hobbes that if you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.

A man and woman are talking. She says the dinner is delicious. He says it's dog food, and don't call him honey. She says she's president of the United States. He says she's president of Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous. She says he's mad because he's "first husband" and has to vacuum the White House all day. He says he's not her husband, he's Wonga-taa, kind of the jungle. He takes off his clothes to reveal jungle shorts. She says he's gross and tells him "nice underpants". He says he's off to the jungle to live with his tiger friend. She says good riddance. Walking home in his underwear, Calvin tells Hobbes playing with Susie is a waste of time. She can imagine such junk. Hobbes tells him "nice underpants". Mom is on the phone. She's asking what the caller means about Calvin leaving his clothes with Susie.

Calvin hops backward in the snow. He's making deceptive footprints. He tells Hobbes people will think the tracks were made by a one-legged kid going the other way. Hobbes asks who's on his trail. Calvin says it doesn't hurt to take precautions.

Calvin now enjoys writing assignments. He realizes the purpose is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. He asks Hobbes if he wants to see his book report. "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes".

On Rigor Mortis Ridge, Calvin and Hobbes sit on the toboggan. Calvin asks why they risk life and limb when they could be safe by the fire at home. He says it's man's nature to scare himself silly for no good reason. Hobbes gets off the toboggan. As Calvin goes down, Hobbes says if he makes it home to the fire, he can tell Hobbes how it was. Calvin yells this is why there are no great animal explorers.

Hobbes asks if Susie is Calvin's valentine this year. Calvin says no. Hobbes bets Calvin's heart beats faster at the sound of her name. He says Calvin longs to look into Susie's eyes. Hobbes says Calvin's cheeks are flushed. He says Calvin quivers to imagine Susie and him locked for eternity in a passionate embrace. Calvin gets angry and fights with Hobbes. Hobbes asks where the honeymoon is, if he can be "best tiger", and if Calvin has picked out a ring yet. Susie comes up to them and hits Calvin with a snowball for sending her a valentine with a picture of her as a worm-eaten corpse. Hobbes asks if Calvin sent her a card. He pages Doctor Love, Doctor I.M.N. Love.

Building a snowman, Calvin says he should be doing his homework. He thinks playing is more important. He's learning skills that he can apply throughout his life. Hobbes asks what skills those are. Calvin says procrastinating and rationalizing.

Calvin and Hobbes see a snow angel. Calvin thinks it must be a fallen angel. He says they usually burn up in the atmosphere. Hobbes sees more snow angels. Calvin thinks God must have been punting angels right and left. Hobbes thinks it's strange so many would be in Susie's front yard. Calvin figures they're all related to her.

Calvin's making a heroic snow sculpture. He has one snowball made. He will call it "The Triumph of Perseverance". Hobbes asks what it will look like. Calvin says like this. Hobbes asks if he's through. Calvin says he's bored.

Calvin makes what he says is the biggest snowball in the world. He can't wait to hit someone with it. Hobbes asks how he's going to pick it up. Calvin is mortified. He says reality continues to ruin his life. Hobbes suggests he could put it someplace someone will walk into it.

Calvin says he's not going to do his homework. He and Hobbes head for outside. There is a giant eye with legs sitting on the chair. Taking their coat and scarf off, Hobbes says nobody gives the evil eye like Dad.

Calvin explains to Hobbes that Mom took his costume away. Hobbes asks if Stupendous Man has ever won a battle. Calvin says they're moral victories. Calvin tells him that he also flunked the test.

Calvin shows Hobbes his new issue of Chewing Magazine. He starts a quiz to determine if his gum delivers. Calvin starts, then notices he's got negative five points already. He complains he's not getting all the gum performance he's entitled to. Hobbes wonders what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing with toys on the floor. Calvin says when you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You grow up thinking whatever your Mom and Dad do is normal. Dad comes in from outside. He says he finished a 10 mile run in the sleet after getting up at 6:00. He's going to get a bowl of oatmeal. His cheeks are flushed, and there is snow on his wool cap. Calvin tells Hobbes that maybe "normal" is too strong a word.

Calvin is herded through a chute with cattle, has his brain drained on a factory line, and runs in a hamster wheel. He is a convict breaking rocks, a wind-up robot, a parrot repeating "hello", a zombie, a square peg hammered into a round hole, and a fish gasping out of water. Riding down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad to see him. Hobbes asks if he had another typical school day.

As Calvin gets undressed for a bath, he tells Hobbes of all the animal species, only humans wear clothes. He wonders why other animals don't wear clothes. Hobbes thinks if their naked pink butts showed, they would.

In the house, Calvin walks along, then stops to take off his shirt. When he gets to a corner, he holds his shirt out and Hobbes pounces on it. Calvin says some kids walk around corners without thinking about it. Hobbes, chewing and tearing the shirt, says that was a rotten trick.

Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. He says gravity must pull especially hard on tigers. Hobbes is in the air behind Calvin, on his way to pouncing. Hobbes thinks that's an impression they like to cultivate.

Calvin wakes up thirsty, so he heads for a drink of water. Hobbes follows and stalks Calvin. Calvin sleepily returns to the bedroom, but Hobbes pounces. Calvin has a horrified expression on his face. Mom and Dad turn on the light to find him on the floor. They think he was sleepwalking, but Calvin says it was a homicidal psycho jungle cat. In bed, Hobbes laughs about how Calvin's face looked. Calvin says if Mom and Dad cared about him at all, they'd buy some infrared nighttime vision goggles.

Calvin watches TV and tells Hobbes the commercials are quick, unrelated images. He says it's a barrage of nonlinear free association. Hobbes says it looks like they're admitting a 15 second commercial exceeds the American attention span by 14 seconds. Calvin asks if he's still talking about that.

Calvin is selling scientific names for a dollar. He tells Hobbes scientists are great for theories, but they give them dull names. He tells Hobbes scientists think space is full of mysterious, invisible mass. They call it "dark matter". Calvin says there's a fortune to be made. Hobbes says he likes to say "quark". He says it several times. Calvin tells him that instead of making an idiot of himself to go find him some scientists.

Calvin is keeping a journal. As a person destined for greatness, his thoughts and convictions will be invaluable insight into budding genius. He tells Hobbes it's a priceless historical document in the making. He asks Hobbes who else he should add to his list of jerks. Hobbes asks who else he even knows.

Dad is shaving, and Calvin suggests he doesn't shave next to his mouth. He should let his whiskers grow, then wax them so they stick straight out. He'll look like a big cat. Dad just looks at him. Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad didn't think the firm would go for it. Hobbes thinks that's preposterous.

Calvin tells Hobbes a line from the poet Blake that talks about tigers burning bright in the forests of the night. Calvin thinks the tiger was on fire, probably from lightning. He walks away thinking flammable felines are a weird subject for poetry. Hobbes lies back down and says that's why he tries to sleep through most of the day.

Calvin writes his memoirs. He writes his life is a series of amazing exploits, about which he has profound insights. But none of it is their business, so butt out. The end. Calvin asks if it's true publishers demand that manuscripts be typed. Looking at the memoirs, Hobbes says he wouldn't sweat it.

Walking along, Calvin yells that something's crawling down his leg. He finds it's just a couple of pennies. He has a hole in his pocket. Calvin tells Hobbes you never know when a crazed rodent with cold feet might be running loose in your pants. Hobbes says that's another reason not to wear them.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks babies are born sinful. Hobbes says he thinks they're just quick studies. Calvin says whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted.

Looking at TV listings, Calvin asks Hobbes what "adult situations" are. Hobbes thinks they're probably going to work, paying bills, and taking responsibilities. Calvin says they don't kid around when they say "for mature audiences". Hobbes never understood how those movies ever made money.

Walking in the wind, Hobbes says he hates it when it's so windy. Calvin says he hates when he's talking and someone turns the conversation to himself. It's so rude. He's talking about himself, so who cares what they have to say. Hobbes looks at him. Calvin also hates it when people look at him bug-eyed.

An airliner's engines explode. The aircraft plummets out of control. A train jumps the tracks. Both the jet and train are converging on one spot where the tectonic plates in the earth's crust are shifting. At that spot is Farmer Brown, unaware of a gas leak as he lights his stove. As he strikes the match, he glances out the window. Calvin has a toy train and plane heading for a log cabin Hobbes is holding. Hobbes asks if they can play something else.

Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says it's a funny world. They fly into the air. Calvin says it's not a hilarious world. Hobbes says "unless you like sick humor". Lying smashed up on the ground, Calvin says the world is funnier to people who don't live here.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's at peace with the world and is serene. He has discovered his purpose in life. He's here so everybody can do what Calvin wants. Calvin says once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too.

In the wagon, Calvin says he thrives on change. Hobbes says Calvin had a fit that morning because Mom put less jelly on his toast than yesterday. Calvin clarifies he thrives on making other people change.

Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says some people are born lucky and some unlucky. He says you can't fight luck. Hobbes points out they're heading for the cliff. Calvin says that's bad luck. Hobbes jumps out. Calvin says you go along, minding your own business, and your luck runs out. As he bounces over the cliff, he says if you're unlucky, you're condemned to suffer. From the top of the cliff, Hobbes says he landed in the pricker bushes, just like yesterday. Calvin says maybe his luck will change tomorrow.

Calvin sees Hobbes sprawled sleeping on the chair. He tells Hobbes that tigers are actually classified as liquids.

Calvin asks Hobbes to help with a safety poster he's doing for school. The winner gets five dollars. Calvin says they'll be rich. This could be the ticket to fame and glory. Hobbes asks what the poster will say. Calvin informs Hobbes that's where he comes in.

Calvin says the safety poster has to promote awareness. Hobbes suggests not looking at headlights and freezing, because you'll get run over or shot. Calvin says he'll check the statistics, but he doesn't think that happens to many people. Hobbes informs him there is more in the world than just people.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom suggested looking both ways before crossing. Hobbes likes it, but Calvin likes his idea better. Be careful, or be roadkill. Hobbes supposes that lends itself to Calvin's brand of illustration. Calvin looks at his crayons and hopes he has enough cadmium red.

As Hobbes draws the poster, Calvin figures they'll win first prize. Hobbes says a solid foundation of anatomical study is essential for the artist. Calvin wonders what to spend the prize money on. Hobbes says a picture also needs depth of feeling. Calvin thinks he'll spend it all on jaw breakers and comic books. Hobbes will draw stars to show pain and human suffering. Calvin says with talent like theirs, the world is their oyster.

Hobbes is finished drawing the safety poster. Calvin says he'll give Hobbes 25% of the winnings. Hobbes says since he did all the drawing, Calvin should get 25%. Calvin said it was his idea. Hobbes offers a 50/50 split. Calvin calls him selfish. As he walks off, Calvin says a good compromise leaves everybody mad.

Calvin tells Hobbes they just have to wait for the judges to award them first prize. Calvin thinks they should enter more contests. He didn't realize how much fun it would be to win. Hobbes reminds him they haven't won yet. Calvin says they will, then people will know how great they are. He says people only recognize greatness when an authority confirms it.

Calvin imagines various news articles on his winning the poster contest. Susie walks up to Calvin and shows that her poster won. Calvin is shocked.

Calvin can't believe he didn't win. He claims the judges were biased. Hobbes tells him the important thing was they tried their best. Calvin retorts the most important thing was that they lost. Hobbes says he forgets the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.

Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Right before impact, Calvin stoops down to pick up a dime. Hobbes tumbles over him, stops, scratches himself, stretches, then walks off. Calvin says Hobbes would love for him to believe that somersault was intentional and innocent.

Riding down the hill in the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he knows more about celebrity lives than any governmental policy that will affect him. He says he's interested in things that aren't his business, and he's bored with things that are important to know. Hobbes tells him the media aim to please.

Calvin is making a list of a million things that bother him. Mushy bananas, skin on pudding, raisins, etc. Hobbes offers "excessively negative people". Calvin likes that. Then he realizes what Hobbes meant.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see him juggle. He can keep a dozen eggs in the air at once. He tosses them into the air. They all fall down on him and the carpet. Calvin says he didn't say he could do it very long. Hobbes thinks the carpet needs a thicker pad.

Hobbes lies on the floor. Calvin says a poem about the tiger sprawled still and flat. He asks if he's asleep, and to be frank, he says Hobbes looks like he was creamed by a tank. Calvin walks off. Hobbes pounces.

Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in evolution. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks if he doesn't think humans evolved from monkeys. Hobbes says he doesn't see any difference. He runs off laughing while Calvin chases him.

Calvin puts some jelly on a slice of toast, then throws the toast. Hobbes leaps past Calvin to messily eat the toast on the floor. Hobbes says he likes breakfast on the run. Mom angrily drags Calvin, carrying a mop and bucket, to the mess. Calvin pleas that it's their nature. Mom wonders why he can't eat at the table like a civilized human being.

Calvin wants to dig for slugs and worms because they're gross. Hobbes thinks that's why they avoid them. Calvin explains that if they avoid them, they can't dare each other to eat one. Hobbes turns and runs away. Calvin asks if he doesn't like to have fun.

Hobbes hits Calvin's pitch. Calvin retrieves the ball to find out Hobbes hasn't started to run the bases yet. Calvin grabs the ball and comes running. Hobbes stops to "tie his shoe". He hops backwards, then crawls like a worm. Calvin is getting closer, running at top speed. Right before Calvin can tag Hobbes out, Hobbes touches home. Later, Mom is putting a bandage on Calvin. She asks what happened that he needs bandages and Hobbes needs stitching. Calvin says Hobbes deserved it.

Calvin writes the little joys of life. Petting a dog, reading a comic book, smiling when a kid calls you a nasty name and you punch his teeth down his neck. Hobbes reads Calvin's list and says he pulls the ol' heartstrings.

Calvin says the world is like TV. He says the colors outside are less intense and the people are uglier. He can go minutes without a car chase, murder, or explosion. Hobbes asks why he would settle for less as Calvin watches his favorite deodorant commercial.

Calvin believes greed justifies everything. He says private lives are legitimate public entertainment, and the lowest common denominator is always right. He asks Hobbes if he has career options, or what. Hobbes thinks he needs to start hanging around with other animals.

Calvin tells Mom he isn't going to school anymore. He's going to be a "hunter-gatherer" when he grows up. He'll live in a forest, eating berries and grubs. Standing for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.

Calvin tells Hobbes people don't look at the big picture. He says everyone will die, the sun will explode, and they're all doomed. He says existence is temporary and nothing matters. Hobbes sees why people don't like to look at the big picture. Calvin says it puts a bad day in perspective.

Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he failed a test but doesn't mind. Calvin says a man has to make room for what he cares about. The days are precious, so he'd rather spend them goofing around than studying. Hobbes never thought of ignorance as a quality of life issue. Calvin tells him neither has Dad.

Calvin asks Hobbes why birds don't write their memoirs. Calvin says nobody would want to read what a bird does. Calvin then asks Hobbes if he's noticed how some people can say something loony and not be aware of it. He asks if you're supposed to do. Hobbes offers that if you wait, he'll top himself.

Calvin is writing a self-help book. He tells Hobbes you convince people there's something wrong with them, and that the problem isn't their fault. Lastly, you convince them that with your guidance, they can conquer their problem and be happy. Hobbes asks what problem he's going to help people solve. Calvin says their addiction to self-help books. His book is called "Shut Up and Stop Whining: How to Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself". Hobbes thinks he should wait for the advance before buying anything. Calvin says if his program works, he can't write a sequel.

Calvin tells Hobbes a joke, or tries to. He starts it with a guy going into a bar. Calvin stops, then says it's a grocery store. Then, he decides it doesn't matter. Calvin says it's in the vicinity of a bar. He continues by saying there's a dog who says something odd, but Calvin doesn't remember what it was. Then the guy says something Calvin can't remember. He tells Hobbes it was funny. Hobbes offers to try to imagine it.

With breakfast cereal in hand, Calvin tells Hobbes the more you think of things, the weirder they seem. He asks who the first person was who looked at a cow and said he'd drink whatever comes out of these things when he squeezes them. He asks Hobbes if that isn't weird. Hobbes thinks conversation should be kept to a minimum until afternoon.

Calvin asks Dad what causes wind. Dad tells him it's trees sneezing. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad says no, but the truth is more complicated. Later, outside in the wind, Calvin tells Hobbes the trees are really sneezing today.

Calvin tells Hobbes that when he spits, he gets good saliva cohesion, but not much distance. Calvin pushes his nose, saying he thinks the problem is in the mix of phlegm. He says if you don't get that critical mucus mass, it doesn't work. He looks around to find Hobbes gone. Calvin complains nobody likes to hear about a hobby.

Calvin tells Hobbes when someone's talking to him, he looks at the person's chin. He nods to whatever is being said, but he keeps looking at the person's chin. He looks quizzical at first, then repulsed. He arches his eyebrows, then looks skeptical and disbelieving. Calvin says you get bonus points when the person loses his train of thought. Hobbes thinks Calvin's natural charm has made him into a good sprinter.

Calvin tells Hobbes he loves summer. He has three months of nothing to do. As they climb a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin people say idle hands are the devil's workshop. Calvin resents that. Calvin says they work darn hard at this. In the tree, they have a bunch of water balloons. Below the tree is an "X" marked on the grass. There are signs nearby directing someone to stand there for a big surprise.

Lying under a tree, Calvin asks Hobbes about what happens if there's no afterlife. What if this is all they get? Hobbes looks around and says he'll take it anyway. Calvin says if he's not going to be eternally rewarded for his behavior, he'd like to know now.

Calvin and Hobbes put their hands under their armpits and make noises. Calvin congratulates Hobbes on one of his that was extra loud. Calvin says it's funny he never sees Mom and Dad practicing those. Hobbes figures it's because they're good at it already.

Calvin tells Hobbes he watched an old movie with Mom last night. There was nothing shocking about the movie at all. Hobbes asks if he liked the movie. Calvin can't say. Not having his emotions manipulated is a weird experience.

Calvin makes a diary entry. He says he's only burping, not belching. The harmonics are coming with developing amplitude. He tells Hobbes that they say you should keep a log when you take up a sport.

Calvin sees Hobbes laughing in his sleep. He whispers to Hobbes asking what's so funny. Hobbes mumbles back that he's going to pounce on Calvin. Calvin yells in Hobbes' ear for Calvin to run for his life. It shocks Hobbes awake, and Hobbes chases Calvin.

Spaceman Spiff hops out of his craft. There is indication of aliens. He crouches behind a boulder listening to aliens talk about him. He bursts into the open, shooting his death ray blaster. He yells he'll give the aliens something to talk about. Calvin has shot rubber-tipped darts at Mom, Dad, and their guests. Mom chases Calvin. Later in bed, Calvin says Spiff reflects on his miscalculation. He'll revisit the planet, this time with more ammo.

Calvin says Mom and Dad tell him to make his life an example of the principles he believes in. Every time he does, they tell him to stop it. Hobbes says he isn't sure total self-indulgence is a principle.

Calvin says scientists are making computers that think. He asks Hobbes what will people be better at than machines. Hobbes offers irrational behavior. Calvin figures they'll invent a psychotic computer.

Calvin says if you stick your tongue out long enough, it dries up. Hobbes wonders why anyone would want his tongue dried up. Calvin says it feels weird when you touch it. Hobbes says he'll take Calvin's word and walks off. Calvin says some people aren't open to revelatory experiences.

Calvin puts a box, which has drawings on it to look like a computer, over himself. He tells Hobbes he's the world's most powerful computer, and offers to answer any question. Hobbes wonders why the computer wears little red sneakers. Calvin chases Hobbes.

Calvin puts the box over himself, then tells Mom to ask him a question. Mom asks if Calvin cleaned his room or spend the day playing with a cardboard box. Calvin says there was a system error. He says to delete the question and try again. Upstairs, Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says Mom booted him up there.

Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says he won't do anything he doesn't want to. He says the world owes him happiness and fulfillment. Calvin says he's just here to cash in.

Mom asks where Calvin is going, and he tells her outside. Mom asks if he picked up his room. Calvin says he tried, but he couldn't lift it. He laughs. Upstairs, Calvin tells Hobbes the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental.

There are several pictures of Calvin and Hobbes floating in the air, dancing. Hopping down from a bed, he says there's nothing like a big bed for dancing. Hobbes hopes Mom and Dad don't mind bad springs.

Calvin tells Dad summer days sure slip by. He says too bad the daily drudgery of making a living keeps Dad from appreciating these sublime moments of life. As Dad leaves for work, Calvin tells him not to think about it. If he stays healthy, Dad can enjoy days like this when he retires. Later, under a tree, Calvin and Hobbes are lying. Calvin is glad it's summer.

Calvin shows Hobbes the box a bar of soap comes in. Calvin says it's a tradition when you harangue the multitudes, you stand on a soap box. Hobbes says Calvin would be more impressive if he tried using the soap. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him know if he sees any multitudes.

Calvin's elbows are grass-stained, he has bites and scratches, sand in his socks, and leaves in his shirt. His hands are sticky with sap. He's hot, dirty, itchy, and tired. With Calvin in the bathtub, Hobbes says to consider this day seized. Calvin says tomorrow, they'll seize the day and throttle it.

In different colors, Hobbes makes comments on how something looks. Hobbes likes the green one. Mom asks what Calvin wants. She looks, then tells him to put them back. Grumpily, Calvin says Mom said no. Hobbes suggests grown-ups have no taste. They had been looking at different sunglasses.

Calvin says history is the fiction they invent to persuade themselves events are knowable and that life has order. Calvin says that's why events are reinterpreted when values change. New versions of history are needed to allow for current prejudices. Hobbes asks what Calvin is writing. Calvin tells him it's a revisionist autobiography.

Calvin looks at a painting on the wall, calling it "high" art. He looks at a comic strip, calling it "low" art. He looks at a painting of a comic strip. He calls it sophisticated irony and "high" art. Hobbes says to suppose a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip. Calvin calls is sophomoric and "low" art as he starts drawing the picture.

Calvin hates going to bed before it's dark. He tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad will pay. He says if he has to go to bed while it's still light, he's going to get up when it's still dark.

Hobbes jumps several of Calvin's checkers. Calvin looks at the board and tells Hobbes he's fallen into his trap. Hobbes replies that his remaining piece must have a heck of a plan.

Calvin says real-life video programs are great. Ordinary people have horrible experiences, which are broadcast for everyone's viewing amusement. It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one. Hobbes asks who'd have thought Big Brother would go commercial. Calvin loves to snicker at other people's tragedy.

In their treehouse, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom told him if he stays up there for two hours, three days a week, he doesn't have to take any lessons this summer.

Calvin says he likes people. Hobbes can't believe it. Calvin clarifies he likes people as an audience.

At night, Mom calls for Calvin, who's outside with Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to start the stopwatch. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't answer Mom. Calvin says she doesn't see them, so she can't prove they heard her. Calvin says the trick is to listen for the tone of voice and answer before she gets mad enough to come looking for them. Mom calls again. Calvin says they now act innocent. He yells back, asking if Mom is calling for him. Mom says to come in, it's getting dark. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a tactical error, because darkness is relative. Calvin says it's not dark, because he can still see his hands. Calvin asks for another ten minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin asks for five minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin tells Hobbes she guessed his five minutes were her half-hour. He says they'll go for a fake agreement. He yells that he's coming in. He tells Hobbes they can stay out until Mom figures out he lied. Hobbes says they've dragged it out 53 minutes so far. Calvin is going for the record. He throws his shoe and says he lost it. Hobbes says every minute outside and awake is a good minute.

The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes reads the minutes of the last meeting. Calvin proposed a resolution condemning existence of girls. First tiger abstains from vote. Patriotism of first tiger called into question. Philosophical discussion, followed by bandages being administered. Hobbes ends with reading they forgot what debate was about, so medals of bravery were awarded to all.

Today's meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is to devise a plan to annoy the enemy. Hobbes writes the proposal is greeted with huzzahs. Calvin says they've tolerated the enemy's presence too long. Hobbes writes there are shouts of assent, followed by pandemonium. Calvin says leading a club is a heady experience. Hobbes says good minutes turn into riots.

G.R.O.S.S. field scout Calvin reports the enemy has been sighted. Hobbes asks a question. Hobbes asks what activity the enemy was engaged in. Calvin replies "girl stuff". Hobbes says to say no more.

G.R.O.S.S. makes a plan to write a fake code that "accidentally" will fall into Susie's hands. She'll decode the message saying not to go behind the house, where they'll wait for her with water balloons. Hobbes asks why they just don't hit her with water balloons where she's sitting. Calvin says Hobbes is a good officer, but he doesn't have an executive mind.

Calvin writes a coded message. Calvin writes backwards. He hopes Susie isn't too dumb to figure out the code. Hobbes says cracking codes is second nature to cool spies like them.

The coded message to Hobbes says their plans will be ruined if Susie goes behind the house at noon. Calvin's regret is blowing the best day of his life while he's so young.

Calvin sees Susie still playing. He and Hobbes will walk past Susie and drop the top secret, coded letter for Hobbes. They walk past, drop the note, and Calvin says if it falls into a girl's hands, their plans will be ruined. Behind a tree, Calvin says everything is working perfectly. Hobbes says except she isn't picking up the letter.

Calvin wonders why Susie doesn't pick up the letter. Calvin is frustrated. Hobbes wonders if she wasn't paying attention to them. Calvin thinks it's inconceivable anyone wouldn't be interested in everything they do.

Hobbes sees Susie picking up the letter. She walks over, and returns the letter to Calvin. Hobbes says that was awfully decent of her. Calvin bangs his hands on the tree, saying everybody gets good enemies except him.

Calvin and Hobbes walk by Susie again. They mention the top secret note again. Calvin mentions Susie finding the letter and spoiling their plans again. Behind the tree, Hobbes sees Susie opening the letter. Calvin was worried he'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her.

Calvin and Hobbes grab water balloons. They hide behind a bush. Hobbes wonders what's keeping her. Calvin thinks she got lost.

Calvin and Hobbes hop out of bed. They read the paper, run outside to play, dig for dinosaurs, look under rocks for bugs, play Calvinball, fight, hit Susie with a water balloon, run from a snake, look at the moon, and catch fireflies. Mom drags Calvin inside to bed. Calvin says summer days are supposed to be longer, but they seem shorter to him. Hobbes says they didn't get to do half their itinerary.

Calvin wonders why Susie isn't walking into their ambush. Calvin is going on a reconnaissance mission to find out what she's doing. Hobbes wonders why he can't go. Calvin says if Susie captured him, he'd tell Susie anything for a tummy rub.

Hobbes hears the sounds of Calvin being soaked by Susie. Calvin walks over to him and sits down. He tells Hobbes this doesn't go into the club log. It never happened. Hobbes says since he's already wet, it seems a shame to waste their water balloons.

Calvin says it's a dark day for G.R.O.S.S. His plan backfired, and he got soaked. Hobbes asks if he can be dictator-for-life if Calvin resigns.

Calvin says the battle was lost, but the war goes on. He says the spirit of G.R.O.S.S. will not be extinguished. He awards bottle caps of valor for their courage in the face of temporary setbacks. Hobbes says a good meeting always ends with them getting medals.

Mom brings Calvin some lunch. They decide to read comic books in their treehouse. Calvin says it's looking like a good afternoon.

Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin wishes he could stop summer and leave days like they are. He says life rolls along with speed you can't control. Fun experiences go roaring by, as they blaze past trees. Calvin adds that bad experiences never pass quickly enough, as they fly off the cliff. As they lie in the stream below, Calvin wants to speed up childhood and get to driving age. Hobbes doesn't mind the pace of life. It's the sudden stop at the end.

Hobbes sits in the sandbox, Calvin in the blowup pool. He tells Hobbes this is Dad's idea of taking them to the beach.

Calvin slowly moves his mouth in a chewing motion. Hobbes says that's a pretty good cow impression. Calvin says that's how he's eating salads from now on.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad told him not to eat a pepper because it was hot. Calvin ate the thing in two bites. He was in agony and thought he was going to explode. He says he has to get a stunt double.

Calvin read an article about how much violence is on television. As he watches TV, Calvin says he's seen a few thousand homicides. He says it's his right to watch violence on TV. It's people like him who make those programs profitable. He says the customer is always right, and the shows have to pander to his tastes. He likes shootouts, car wrecks, and grisly murders. He likes to be entertained. Hobbes asks if he doesn't think all that violence is desensitizing. Calvin says no. He'd like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects him.

Calvin tells Hobbes that if he could learn to ride his bicycle, he could go anywhere. He could cover miles in no time. The bicycle chases Calvin as he runs off. Later, Calvin is run over. Calvin says he could go to heaven. Hobbes doubts it.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad got the bike to bump Calvin off. Calvin says Dad figures the bike will have Calvin's head through a tree trunk and he'll have peace and quiet. He says he's on to Dad. Hobbes supposes that's easier than sending Calvin to camp and moving. Calvin agrees. He asks what would happen if the house didn't sell.

Calvin tells Hobbes he originally thought he'd be a teen idol. Calvin doesn't want to wait. He wants to be idolized now. Hobbes suggests he should blow his nose more regularly. Calvin hands Hobbes an autographed 8 x 10 glossy.

As Calvin gets dressed, he tells Hobbes he's a misunderstood genius. Hobbes asks what's misunderstood about Calvin. As Calvin walks away with his clothes on wrong, he tells Hobbes nobody thinks he's a genius.

Calvin tells Hobbes he tried to decide whether to cheat on his test or not. He wonders whether it's better to do the right thing and fail or the wrong thing and succeed. He argues that undeserved success gives no satisfaction, while well-deserved failure gives none either. Just because most everybody cheats doesn't justify his cheating. He wondered if he was trying to rationalize his unwillingness to accept the consequences of not studying. In the real world, people care about success, not principles. Hobbes asks what he decided. Calvin says nothing. He ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Hobbes says that acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Calvin says it seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.

Calvin opens he door, saying he feels like he's been run over by a train. Hobbes pounces on him. As he lies on the ground, he says now he feels like that. Hobbes brushes himself off and says you should save some hyperbole until you really need it.

Calvin asks Hobbes what they'd do if somebody called them "a pair o' pathetic peripatetics". They stand there. Hobbes has never heard anyone taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults. Calvin thinks they should have a ready retort.

Calvin is doing a crossword puzzle. The clue says "bird". Calvin thinks it's "yellow-bellied sapsucker". Hobbes points out there are only five boxes. Calvin says these idiots make you write real small.

Calvin gets up in bed, worried that he's overslept. Hobbes tells him it's Saturday. Calvin knows. He says if it was a school day, what would he care.

Calvin sees a dead bird. Calvin says once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize life is fragile, and nature is ruthless. Calvin says you go on with your daily affairs, not thinking about it. He thinks that's why everyone takes the world for granted and act so thoughtlessly. He supposes it will all make sense when they grow up. They sit under a tree and watch birds flying.

Calvin says the more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. When you are informed, you see complexities and shades of gray. You realize nothing is as clear as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Calvin tosses his book. He says as a man of action, he can't afford to take that risk. Hobbes says Calvin is ignorant, but at least he acts on it.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's been reading about the "electronic superhighway". Calvin says they'll all soon be hooked together to bring instant communication to their homes. He says Dad liked it better when you communicated by mail, and you knew you wouldn't hear back for a week. Hobbes says Dad thinks transportation should've stopped with the bicycle. Calvin says he's a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

Calvin tells Hobbes his watch tells the time, day, and date. He says it doesn't tell him the month. Hobbes says they figure if you don't know what month it is, you're not the type who'd wear a watch.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wants to know if they'd like to go to the zoo today. Hobbes asks if they can tour a prison afterward. Calvin tells Mom "no thanks".

Calvin kicks a football, and it goes behind him. Hobbes catches it. Hobbes says that's how they'll do kickoffs. Calvin shrugs and says they should go with what works.

Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. In a baby voice, he asks if Hobbes is a "Fwiendwy Putty". Hobbes sits up with an angry expression. Calvin is walking away, all scratched up, saying tigers don't like to be called "putties".

Calvin asks Hobbes how he's supposed to be happy in Heaven, if he likes to be bad. Hobbes asks how he'll get to Heaven if he's bad. Calvin asks Hobbes to suppose he led a blameless life. He says to suppose he denied his dark nature. Hobbes isn't sure he has that much imagination. Calvin wonders if Heaven is a place where you're allowed to be bad.

Calvin shows Hobbes that if you dry your teeth, you can curl your lip and it will stick. He shows you take a piece of tape, and you can pull your nostrils up. Hobbes says if Calvin showed his Dad, he'd go to work like that.

Calvin and Hobbes wake up. It's raining outside. They eat breakfast, then go out to wait for the school bus. Hobbes is with Calvin, holding an umbrella. Calvin gets on the bus, waving goodbye to Hobbes. Mom looks out the window and sees Hobbes on the sidewalk. She goes outside to get Hobbes. Calvin sits in school, watching the clock. Hobbes looks out the window, waiting for Calvin.

Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't need to study or learn. He says he can get by on his good looks and charm. Hobbes rolls his eyes. Calvin says he doesn't hear Hobbes concurring. Hobbes asks Calvin if static electricity makes his hair do what it does.

Calvin has a cowboy hat on and has a mustache. Hobbes says it's very bushy and asks where Calvin got it. Calvin takes off his cowboy hat to show part of his hair cut off.

Calvin is watching television. He tells Hobbes ads don't see a product, they sell an attitude. He points out there is a commercial that has a guy do whatever he wants. He buys the product to reflect his independence. Hobbes asks if this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection. Calvin says it sounded more defiant the way the ad said it.

Calvin is watching another ad with attitude. He points out a guy who quit his job and now climbs rocks. He's his own man. Hobbes wonders how he affords the expensive athletic shoes he's advertising since he quit his job. Calvin wonders if the guy's mom bought them for him. Hobbes hopes she'll pay his medical bills when he falls off the rock he's climbing.

Calvin kicks a football and hurts his foot. He angrily squeezes the ball until the air comes out of it. He tosses it to Hobbes, who catches the flattened football.

Calvin notices the days are getting colder. He says bugs are dying by the truckload. He laughs and says good riddance to them all. He walks along and tells Hobbes that he likes fall.

Calvin looks into a full-length mirror. He's in his underwear and flexing his biceps. Calvin says he's made in God's own image. Hobbes thinks God must have a goofy sense of humor.

Calvin has a football and runs up to a door and rings it. He rings it several times while waiting in a panic. He yells for the door to be opened. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Finally, Susie opens the door to see Calvin lying on the steps with Hobbes on top of him. Susie says her mom said to tell Calvin their doorbell isn't a toy. She tells him to go away. Hobbes has the football and tells Calvin it's now illegal to hide in other people's houses. Calvin says girls just don't understand sports.

Calvin is running with the football. He skids to a stop. Hobbes chases him as he runs the other direction. Hobbes calls another touchdown for himself. Calvin asks if Hobbes couldn't chase him toward his goal for once.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to seek happiness. He demands euphoria. He looks at Hobbes. Calvin says Hobbes' problem is that he's always at a loss for words. Hobbes has found that saves many a friendship.

Calvin runs to catch something. It's a safe! He turns away while the football bounces in front of him. Calvin asks Hobbes to look for a crater where it landed. Hobbes asks if he's a little scared of the ball.

Calvin has a contract for Hobbes. It codifies terms of their friendship. Hobbes can renegotiate in 20 years. Hobbes says people are friends because they want to be, not because they have to be. Calvin says that's what his contract fixes. Hobbes hands the form back and says if your friends are contractual, you don't have any.

Hobbes waits around a corner. Calvin approaches, then is pounces upon. Calvin claims a person should be safe from predators inside his own house. Hobbes says if he had reflexes like Calvin's, he'd be glad for the opportunity to improve them.

Calvin yells for Mom to watch him. He comes down the steps, dripping water from his bath. Calvin proclaims it "nude descending a staircase". Back in the tub, Calvin says nobody understands art.

In bed, Hobbes has the covers wrapped around himself. Calvin wakes up and gets ready to reach over to pull off the covers. Hobbes mumbles that he's very fond of Calvin and to pass the gravy. He continues sleeping. Calvin turns back over, shivers, but leaves the covers alone.

Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything in the world. Hobbes says a sandwich. Calvin asks what kind of stupid wish that is. Calvin says he'd wish for a trillion dollars, a private continent, and his own space shuttle. In the house, Hobbes is eating a sandwich. He tells Calvin he got his wish.

Calvin plays with a toy truck. He stops, looks around, listens, then carries his toy further away. He resumes playing. Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes pins Calvin down telling him he moved upwind. He says human senses aren't worth beans. Calvin tells Hobbes to get off him. Mom asks if Calvin wants to watch his nature program. Calvin shouts no.

Calvin asks Hobbes for some help with his homework. He's supposed to write a paper with two points of view, then defend one of them. He can't think of anything to argue. Hobbes says that's hard to believe. Calvin says he's always right, and everybody else is wrong. He wonders what there is to argue about.

Calvin wants help with thinking of an issue for a debate paper. Calvin doesn't care about issues. He says he's got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion. He says he's a busy man. Calvin says either agree with him or take a hike. He's right, period. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says Calvin's right. Calvin says everybody's happy.

Hobbes suggests they put on thinking caps to come up with a writing topic. As they run to get thinking caps, Calvin asks where he would be without Hobbes' suggestion. Hobbes replies that conceivably, he might be working on his assignment.

Calvin uses a colander as a thinking cap. Its metal surface will conduct brain waves. Hobbes attaches input and output strings, and a grounding string. Hobbes asks why a grounding string. Calvin replies he wants to keep his ideas grounded in reality. Hobbes thinks he's too late. Calvin says they also must build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron.

Calvin's thinking cap is ready. Hobbes turns it on. He asks if it worked. Calvin thinks so. Calvin takes off the thinking cap, his hair standing on end, and says he feels smarter already.

Calvin says a consequence of his cerebral augmentation is that his brain swelled. Hobbes asks if he can have Calvin's hats. Calvin says his brain is unraveling all the mysteries of the universe. He says natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin says his powerful brain is bored with such simple problems. He's now working on why girls are so obnoxious.

Calvin paints a lunch bag white, to look like a snowman's head. He puts it on. He dresses up with a hat and coat, puts a pipe in his mouth, then stands outside saying it's a perfect day for snowmen. He says a snowman could be real happy there. He stands, then looks up into the sky, then sighs. Hobbes asks if the decoy is working. Calvin says ducks are easier to fool than snow.

Since Calvin's brain has enlarged, Hobbes thinks he can write his paper now. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes wonders what will happen when Calvin's parents see his head. Calvin's powerful brain finds an answer. He'll wrap his head in a bedsheet. Hobbes thinks Calvin's powerful brain knows something he doesn't.

Mom calls Calvin to dinner again. Calvin has a turban on his head made from his sheet. He tells Dad he was unavoidably detained. Dad tells him to take the sheet off at the table. Calvin does, and Dad thanks him. Calvin, with his larger head, says they never notice anything.

Calvin brings some fish to Hobbes. Calvin doesn't need brain food with his enlarged brain. He applies his brain to the homework problem. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin says he just remembered what the assignment was.

Calvin comes up with a topic for his paper. He'll debate whether tyrannosaurs were predators or scavengers. Hobbes asks which side he'll defend. Calvin tells Hobbes he believes they were predators. They're so much cooler that way.

Calvin says he'll start with carnosaur evolution. He'll delve into skeletal structure, skull design, and environmental factors. First, he'll draw pictures of a T-rex eating people at the museum. Hobbes notices Calvin's head shrinking back to its normal size.

Hobbes says Calvin's head is back to normal, but Calvin hasn't written his paper yet. Calvin says the hard part was getting a topic. He says he'll write everything he knows about tyrannosaurs. It's a breeze. He says he's guaranteed a good grade. Mom tells him it's time for bed.

Mom tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin tells Mom he hasn't finished his school paper yet. She asks how much more he has to do. Calvin tells her he just has to write it.

Calvin gripes to Hobbes that Mom is only giving him an extra half hour to write the paper. He asks how he's supposed to do a good job in such little time. Hobbes reminds him that Mom said he wasted the whole evening. Calvin complains Mom is making him to a rushed, sloppy job. He won't get the "A" he deserves. Hobbes tells him he's used up 15 minutes complaining about it.

Calvin crawls into bed. Hobbes tells him at least he's finished with the paper. Calvin says it could have been better. He gets a chance to write about something he knows, and he has to rush the whole thing. Hobbes says he did the best he could with the time he had.....sort of. Calvin thinks geniuses should be given special considerations.

Calvin tells Hobbes he got a "D-" on his paper. He talked to Miss Wormwood about having run out of time. He tells Hobbes that Miss Wormwood admitted that maybe he'd picked too complex a subject. She raised his grade to a "D" and said to pick realistic goals and plan his time better. Hobbes asks if he learned a lesson. Calvin says he did. Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off.

Calvin looks at a snowman. It has a shovel in hand and is wearing a hat. Calvin tells Hobbes it's a pathetic cliche. He says the snowman says nothing about the human condition. He says the banality of the snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. He shows Hobbes the snowman he made. It's a horrible snowman with bulging eyes, an open mouth with tongue hanging out. Calvin says the snowman is "The torment of existence weighed against the horror of nonbeing". Hobbes comments that he admires Calvin's willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability. Hobbes walks away. Calvin stands there, then starts building a normal snowman.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin calls signals. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin protests that Hobbes is supposed to wait until he snaps the ball. Calvin picks himself up from the ground saying you can explain the rules to a tiger, but you can't suppress their surprise pounce instinct.

Calvin says Dad went to buy a hardback novel. He tells Hobbes Dad wanted something thought-provoking and that had a cloth binding. Dad said he was guying the book with cash so nobody could trace the purchase and exploit his interests for commercial purposes. Hobbes asks Calvin if Dad's going into the future kicking and screaming. Calvin wonders what happens if Dad is turning into some kind of subversive.

Calvin asks Mom if he can get a tattoo of a serpent clutching a ship. Mom looks at him with a frown. Calvin sighs and walks away. He asks Hobbes if he knew Mom can communicate telepathically.

Calvin and Hobbes sit in the wagon near the cliff. Calvin tells Hobbes that everything that makes him unique is dependent on proper functioning of his complex body. Hobbes says that's an interesting observation. Hobbes jumps off the wagon as it hurtles down the cliff.

Calvin tells Hobbes that all the world is a stage. But he says the play is unrehearsed and everybody ad-libs. Hobbes thinks that's why it's hard to tell whether we're in a tragedy or a farce. Calvin suggests more special effects and dance numbers.

Hobbes throws a snowball to Calvin, who hits it with a bat. He takes off on his sled, going down the hill. Hobbes makes a snowball as Calvin goes around a tree and a bush. Hobbes throws the snowball and knocks Calvin off the sled. Hobbes says there are two outs. Calvin says he should have stayed at second base. Hobbes reminds him he has a snowman at third. Calvin loves a good game of speed sled base snow ball.

Calvin says Christmas is around the corner. He asks what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month or frenzied consumerism. Hobbes is surprised other religions haven't picked up on that. Calvin says getting loads of loot is a spiritual experience for him.

Calvin writes Santa a letter. He writes Santa ignores his list every year and brings practical things he doesn't want. He asks if Santa is insane, gone senile, or can't read. He asks if he's a vindictive elf destroying little kids' dreams. Hobbes reads the letter and suggests sleeping on it. Calvin knows, but he says he felt good writing it.

Calvin writes Santa a letter complaining he didn't receive the 15000 items he requested last year. He concludes Santa's secretarial staff is a bunch of underpaid and unprepared temps, with his letter being misfiled. He offers Santa the option of writing a check to him for five million dollars, so that he can buy the stuff himself. Calvin tells Hobbes that he won't be disappointed this year. Hobbes suggests leaving out the part about the temps.

Calvin writes Santa a letter, saying he's Calvin's brother, Melville. He encloses a list, telling Santa not to confuse his list with Calvin's. He says there are two kids at the house now. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Santa falls for this, he'll add a new brother every year.

Hobbes notices all the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he's being tempted to smack Susie with a slushball and forfeiting all his presents. His immediate pleasure is being pitted against his future greed. Hobbes laments for poor Susie. Calvin protests that it's not a foregone conclusion.

Calvin builds snowballs. He keeps adding to his pile. Hobbes comes over and looks up at the mountain of snowballs. Calvin tells him the day after Christmas is going to be epic.

Calvin wonders what if there isn't a Santa Claus. He says this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in a night, the chimney bit. He asks Hobbes what if it's a hoax and he's being good for nothing. Hobbes laughs that he's always been good for nothing. Calvin makes a snowball and says that if he exists, Santa will forgive this one.

Calvin has a snowball. He says he's not bad. He's exuberant! He tells Hobbes there's nothing wrong with being exuberant. He throws the snowball and hits someone. He and Hobbes run. Hobbes tells Calvin to explain the semantics to Mom. Calvin notices Mom got her wind back and is gaining on them.

A snowball barely misses Susie. She yells that Santa's going to skip Calvin's house for that. More snowballs fly toward Susie, but none hit her. Calvin tells Hobbes that this doesn't count against him, since she's so sanctimonious and he keeps missing.

Calvin sees his gifts under the Christmas tree. He grabs one and shouts that he's gotten acquittal on all charges and complete exoneration. He laughs. Mom and Dad hug each other. Mom tells Dad Merry Christmas. Dad asks what that smell is. He asks if someone has been eating tuna fish at that hour.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is making New Year's resolutions. Calvin wants everything to stay the same as it was this year. Calvin says the year was lousy, but familiar. Calvin hates change. You have to think about change and deal with it. He wants to take everything for granted. Calvin says things always change for the worse. Things get more complicated every year. He wants to stop now. No more change. They stand there for a little while. Calvin says he's bored and wants to do something different. Hobbes says some things don't change, as they run to play.

Calvin walks by a sleeping Hobbes. Calvin suddenly yawns. He says there's no sedative like seeing a tiger lying in the sun.

Calvin has a huge snowball on a plank, held up by a log. He jumps on the other end of the plank. The snowball barely climbs up and falls on top of him. He tells Hobbes he meant to do that. Hobbes tells him it worked very well.

Calvin looks under the chair. He tells Hobbes he lost his marbles. Hobbes says everyone suspected as much. Calvin walks off saying he hopes somebody finds them. That night, in bed, he realizes what Hobbes said. He gets up and yells "Hey". Hobbes peeks over his shoulder at Calvin.

Calvin tells Dad he needs a new toboggan. Dad asks why. Calvin tells him he thinks the new models have new features, colors, and options. Dad tells Calvin toboggans don't come in model years. Later, Calvin runs with Hobbes, paint can in hand. He tells Hobbes there's a fortune to be made.

Calvin looks through his playing cards and tells Hobbes he isn't playing with a full deck. Hobbes agrees. Calvin walks off, saying someone should buy new cards. Later that night, in bed, Calvin realizes what Hobbes' comment indicated.

Hobbes asks Calvin why his snowman has a hot water bottle on his head. Calvin replies he's committing suicide.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing cards. Hobbes takes one. His tail starts twitching. Calvin folds. Hobbes asks if Calvin is cheating.

Mom and Dad are sitting by the fire, with their backs to Calvin. Calvin tells Hobbes people never expect to get hit with a snowball in their own house. He readies two snowballs. Hobbes tells Calvin he'll see him in his room momentarily.

Calvin has a mountain of snowballs. He tells Hobbes that if anyone hits him with a snowball, he'll hit that person with 250 snowballs. Hobbes asks what happens if someone hits Calvin with 250 snowballs. Calvin looks at his mountain of snowballs. He sighs and keeps making more snowballs.

Calvin and Hobbes look for animal tracks in the new snow. Calvin notices bird and rabbit tracks. He sees the animals were chased by something. Calvin notices the big pads, so it might be a wolf. There are no claw impressions, so maybe it's a mountain lion. Or maybe Hobbes. Calvin says that explains the cold wet feet in bed that morning. Hobbes talks about how he felt the animals needed some exercise.

Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes some kids at school got filthy rich today. Hobbes asks how. Calvin says they grabbed him by the drinking fountain.

On the toboggan, Calvin hands Hobbes a pillow. He tells Hobbes it's like an air bag. He tells Hobbes to hold it in front of his head, then shows how he's doing it. He asks Hobbes if he feels safer now. Hobbes gets off the toboggan and says yes.

Calvin hits Hobbes with a snowball. He asks if Hobbes noticed what a great shot that was and if he noticed the top spin. Hobbes gets out of the snow angrily. Calvin's clothes are hanging from a tree branch out of reach. Calvin stands in his underwear in the snow. He says a real friend would have been happy for him.

Calvin tells Hobbes that some people complain all the time. He goes on to say they never let things go. Those people drive Calvin nuts. He says they don't change the subject, and you wonder what's wrong with them. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says maybe they're not self-aware. Calvin says that's another thing that gets on his nerves.

Calvin sits on his sled with an electric fan behind him. Hobbes holds the end of the electric cord. He tells Calvin they need more extension cords.

Calvin shows Hobbes his footprints in the snow. He shows an impression of his body when he hit the ground. He sees powdered remains of a snowball that hit him. He can tell the snowball was thrown from over by a tree, based on the angle of particle dispersement. He sees tiger tracks. Hobbes says those could be anybody's tiger tracks.

Calvin says a snowman looks unoriginal. He walks on to see one with female features. Calvin says provoking a reaction isn't the same thing as saying something important. He critiques a snowman family he sees. Calvin tells Hobbes it's hard being the sole guardian of high culture as he makes a snow scene. Hobbes says talent like theirs carries enormous responsibilities. They have made a snow UFO with two snow aliens. A snowman lies decapitated as they add to the scene.

Calvin comes into the house. He takes his boots, coat, and hat off. His hair is all messed up. As he comes up to Hobbes, Calvin says he knows he has hat hair, Hobbes doesn't need to tell him. Hobbes says it's not that different.

Calvin looks behind him and is shocked. He jumps to the side as Hobbes skids by. Hobbes scratches at the floor for traction. He lands up against a desk, upside down. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom blames him for scuffing up the floor. Hobbes wishes Mom and Dad would take out the floorboards and put down some sod.

Hobbes asks Calvin why he's following him around. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes asks why he repeats what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes says if Calvin's going to do that, he won't say anything. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Calvin thinks the incredibly annoying human echo strikes again.

Hobbes tells Calvin to stop repeating what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes tells him to quit it. Calvin again repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes says he's an ugly little maggot with lumpy gravy for brains. Calvin says at least he has the courage to admit it. Pounded into the ground, Calvin says sooner or later, everyone falls for that.

Hobbes asks how much longer Calvin will repeat what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes tells him to keep at it. Calvin repeats Hobbes' words. Hobbes reads from a book of philosophy. Calvin tries to copy what Hobbes is saying, but he can't keep up. Hobbes sticks out his tongue at Calvin. Calvin calls him a cheater.

Calvin plans to hit Susie with a slushball. Hobbes says some philosophers say true happiness comes from a life of virtue. Calvin thinks about it, and he drops the slushball. Calvin puts his toys away in his room. He does his homework and hands Mom a homemade card. Calvin shovels the sidewalk. He helps set the dinner plates and take out the garbage. He stops. He gets angry, runs outside, and hits Susie with a slushball. He tells Hobbes someday he'll write his own philosophy book. Hobbes thinks virtue needs some cheaper thrills.

Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin says he'll never get ahead by lying around. Hobbes asks who they're racing. Calvin doesn't know what to say. He walks off, saying he's too busy to explain it. He has important work to do. Hobbes lies down and says to let him know if he wins.

Calvin tells Hobbes his whiskers are too unruly. He says Hobbes should wax them and make them into a handlebar mustache. Hobbes chases Calvin. Calvin darts around a corner saying a guy who cleans himself with his tongue should be open to grooming suggestions.

Calvin sneaks up behind Hobbes and attacks. He jumps on Hobbes' back and scratches. As he gets down, he tells Hobbes it's harder than it looks. Hobbes wonders how mankind ever lived long enough to invent tools.

Calvin gets a valentine card in the mail. Hobbes tells him to read it. Calvin reads a love poem from Susie. Hobbes torments Calvin, saying there are muchas smooches for El Conkisstador. Calvin thinks this is a nightmare, while Hobbes shouts that Susie and Calvin love each other. Calvin wonders what to do. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Calvin gets a slushball and pelts Susie with it. He says that's what he thinks about her valentine card. Susie didn't send him a card. Susie runs off. Calvin wonders who did send it. Hobbes is singing "Matchmaker". Calvin realizes Hobbes tricked him. He chases Hobbes. Hobbes says love makes the world go round. Calvin threatens that Hobbes will see stars go round.

Calvin and Hobbes build snowmen. One has a golf club and is ready to hit his head on the ground. One looks as though he dove off a springboard head first into the snow. Another snowman, has a tennis racket stuck through his head. Calvin says Mom and Dad don't value hard work and originality as much as they say they do.

Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. After it hits, he yells to look out. Hobbes says his snowballs go faster than the speed of sound. Calvin, covered with snow, says they do not and calls Hobbes a liar.

Going down the hill on their sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes he had a speedometer to know how fast they go. Hobbes suggests they measure the hill, time the descent, and calculate the speed. Calvin says that sounds like math. Hobbes agrees. Calvin tells Hobbes he suddenly stopped caring.

Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman paleontologist. Hobbes asks why the snowman looks sad. Calvin tells Hobbes the snowman just realized snow doesn't fossilize. It just melts. Hobbes says Calvin's snowmen lead tragic lives. Calvin says they're not too bright.

Hobbes is lying down. Calvin sings about the tiger in the window sleeping. He sings they'll spread him flat in the rec room and have a new rug. Calvin laughs and walks away. Hobbes tackles him.

Calvin walks up to Hobbes, who's lying on the floor. Hobbes yawns, showing his fangs. He stretches his claws. Calvin walks away, saying to trifle not with tired tigers.

Calvin bets he can knock Dad's hat off with a snowball. Hobbes bets a hundred dollars he can't. Calvin tosses the snowball. In bed later, Calvin grumbles that five inches higher would have done it. He says Hobbes always gets him in trouble. Hobbes reminds Calvin he owes him $2500 so far.

Calvin comes home, opens the door, gets a camera out of a box, then yells that he's home. As Hobbes pounces on him, he takes a picture. He shows Dad a picture of Hobbes leaping at him and says that's what Hobbes does when he comes home. Later, Hobbes is insulted to know Dad thinks Calvin tossed Hobbes into the air for the picture. Calvin says he has to get a video camera.

Calvin tells Hobbes he likes following the news. He says they give him what he wants: antics, sound bites, scandal and popularity polls packaged as a soap opera. He says it's entertaining. Hobbes says commentators wonder why the public is cynical about politics. Calvin says you can tell this is an in-depth story because it's got an article next to the chart.

Calvin tells Hobbes he saw a sign that said "no shirt, no shoes, no service". He goes on to say it didn't say anything about pants. He thinks they'd have to serve him if he had shoes and a shirt, but no pants. Hobbes thinks they'd serve him with a court summons. Calvin pulls off his pants and asks Hobbes to join him to see if Mom will take them out for dinner.

Calvin has a cache of snowballs behind every tree in the yard. He tells Hobbes when his enemies come for him, he just has to run to the nearest tree to be armed. He says he needs to make some enemies. Behind his back, Hobbes grabs a snowball and says he'll be one.

Calvin tells Hobbes it offends human ego that nature is indifferent to them. Nature doesn't care if people live or die. It acts like people don't care. He tells Hobbes that drives people crazy. They can't stand being ignored. Hobbes yawns and walks away. Calvin says that's also why some people don't like cats.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing a novel. It's about a guy who flicks through TV channels with his remote control. Hobbes walks off, and Calvin yells after him that they say to write what you know.

Calvin plunges toward the ground. He wakes up from sleep. He's glad it was just a dream and his homework didn't explode. He realizes, though, that he didn't do his homework.

Calvin wakes Hobbes up to say he hasn't done his homework. He says he'll get killed if he doesn't do it. He had a nightmare about it. He hops down from bed, saying they'll have to do it now. Sleepily, Hobbes says this feels like a nightmare. Calvin asks if Hobbes if he thinks Mom would let him have coffee.

Calvin notices how creepy it is with the snow and wind blowing. Hobbes says it's always creepy at 2:00 AM. He bets tomorrow is a snow day. He decides to call the superintendent to see. He says if tomorrow is a snow day, they can go right back to bed. As Calvin is on the phone, Dad comes up behind him. Calvin sees him and thinks maybe they will be going back to bed right away.

Calvin show Hobbes some trash dumped outside. He says people seem to forget others have to live on the planet. Calvin doesn't understand why humans evolved as thoughtless, shortsighted creatures. Hobbes says it can't stay that way forever. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks they'll get smarter. Hobbes says that's one of the two possibilities. Calvin stops and thinks. He says maybe they'll stop polluting before it's too late. Hobbes says they're all holding their breath.

Mom wakes Calvin. He asks if the school is closed for snow. She says the radio is on. She tells him to get ready. Calvin tells Hobbes he'll have the whole day to do his homework if school is closed. Calvin glances up and says he suddenly feels religious. Hobbes says it's another deathbed conversion.

Calvin is overjoyed a snow day was declared. Hobbes says Calvin can now do his homework and not get into trouble. Calvin says there are over two feet of snow requiring their immediate attention. As they trudge through the snow, Hobbes says "first things first". Calvin says math will be there when snow melts.

As they play, Hobbes asks Calvin if he'd enjoy playing more if his homework was done. Calvin says he doesn't waste his time thinking about hypothetical situations. He says the fact is that he's outside. That's reality and what he thinks about. Hobbes says tomorrow is a reality, also. Hypothetically, Calvin says, it might be another snow day.

Hobbes yawns after a busy day. Calvin says the roads are clear, so they'll probably have school tomorrow. Now he wishes he had done his math homework instead of playing outside all day...or after dinner...or instead of watching TV. Now it's too late. He says a day can slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.

Calvin tells Hobbes the bell rang just as the homework was going to be collected. Hobbes says that's twice he's been saved at the last minute. Calvin says he's learned his lesson. He says it's work before pleasure. He runs off, saying it will be a pleasure to have that homework done. He goes to work on a snowman.

Calvin tells Hobbes he is trying for a world's record for having one finger in his nose. Hobbes can't believe there is such a category. Calvin declares himself "champ".

Calvin comes home, and Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes says this was "cat a-pulted". Calvin, lying on the floor, says Hobbes is a riot.

Calvin is coloring a picture. He decides his colors aren't enough. He needs to make specific hues. He takes brown, olive green, a little orange and yellow ochre. Then he tops it with lime green, purple, and tan. Hobbes says it's perfect barf. Calvin says you'd think that would be a standard color in a big set like he has.

Calvin tells Hobbes he had a great idea, but it never took off. It didn't get on the runway. He says you could say it exploded in the hangar.

Calvin tries to catch a baseball. It goes right through him. He looks at the ball behind him and the hole in him. Hobbes asks how he could miss the ball. Calvin says Hobbes throws too hard.

Calvin sees a bug eating another bug. Hobbes says yuck. They both act like they're creeped out. Calvin says he can't believe they looked at that. They are both grossed out. Calvin says great experiences are even better when they're shared.

A herd of chasmosaurs is jittery. They face an even greater danger. Tyrannosaurs in F-14s. Playing with his toys, Calvin thinks this is so cool. Hobbes thinks it's so stupid.

Hobbes asks Calvin how he's doing on his New Year's resolutions. Calvin didn't make any. He says to improve oneself, one must have an idea of what "good" is. Calvin explains values are relative. Virtue isn't "better" than vice, just different. Hobbes isn't sure he can tolerate that much tolerance. Calvin refuses to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.

Mom takes Calvin's coat to hang it. She returns and tells him that Hobbes got put in the closet. Mom found him in there. Calvin scolds Hobbes for waiting in the closet for him. He says it's too bad Hobbes' plan was thwarted. Grumpily, Hobbes tells Calvin he should hang is coat up himself.

Calvin is bored making a snowman. Hobbes says they've only been outside a few minutes. Calvin says it's taking too long. Hobbes says they have all day. Calvin says the sun's too bright and his gloves are getting wet. He says making a snowman is hard work. He asks Hobbes what happens if the snowman isn't very good. They'd be failures. He says even if it's good, it will melt in a few weeks. Instead of wasting his time, he's going inside to watch TV. He'll be in complete physical comfort while experiencing the activity of actors pretending to do things. Hobbes asks if it's too much trouble to turn on the TV. Calvin replies that's why they have a remote control. Hobbes says virtual reality is already here. Calvin can't believe the only way to get inside is to walk.

In his snow fort, Calvin says he's ready for anything. A barrage of snowballs blasts him. Hobbes asks if he's ready for unconditional surrender. Lying under a pile of snowballs, Calvin replies "that above all else".

Calvin peeks around a corner. Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin blows on Hobbes' belly, making a loud noise. Hobbes is startled. Calvin, all scratched up, walks away saying their tummies shouldn't be so soft and fuzzy if you're not allowed to do that.

Sledding down the hill, Calvin tells Hobbes he will grow up to be a scientist. He will dedicate his career to the proposition that man can reshape the universe. He says he'll probably go into genetic engineering and create new life forms. As they crash into a tree and fly through the air, Hobbes asks Calvin if he wants to play God. Calvin replies "not exactly". He says God never bothered to patent his stuff.

Calvin is freezing in bed. Hobbes tells him he should have a fur coat like his. Calvin puts his feet on Hobbes to warm up. Hobbes jumps. Calvin tells him to quit letting cold air in. Hobbes tells Calvin to keep his cold feet on his side of the bed. Calvin protests that Hobbes' behind was on his side. Hobbes indicates the demilitarized zone between their sides. Calvin claims the whole bed and says animals should sleep on the floor. Hobbes takes the blanket and leaves. The sounds of their fighting is heard by Mom. Calvin is looking for Hobbes when a ghostly apparition rises before him. Calvin yells in terror. Hobbes has the bed to himself. Dad is awakened by icy cold feet. Calvin is in bed with him and Mom. Mom tells Dad that Calvin had a nightmare. Calvin says that if it's too crowded, they are welcome to sleep downstairs.

Waiting for the bus, Calvin tells Hobbes you get up some days and know some things aren't going to go well. Calvin says those are the days you should put your pajamas back on, make hot chocolate, and read comic books in bed until the world looks more encouraging. Grumpily, Calvin says they never let you do that. Hobbes asks if today is one of those days. Calvin yells that it sure is.

Still waiting for the bus, Calvin says on gray days, you should be able to call a judge and take an oath that you'll read a good book, and he'd allow you to stay home. Hobbes asks if he'd only go to school on sunny days. Calvin says on those days, the judge would let you play outside. Hobbes comments that the judge is quite a guy. Calvin says he'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.

Calvin says he's thinking of starting his own talk radio show. He'd spout simplistic opinions for hours, ridicule anyone who disagrees, and foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog. Hobbes says it seems Calvin was born for the job. Calvin asks Hobbes to imagine being paid to act like a six-year-old.

Calvin builds a snowman, looking like he's swimming. Behind the snowman, he builds small curved mounds. Hobbes asks if they're snow sharks. Calvin says the guy is a goner.

Calvin tells Hobbes that as an artist, he'll speak to future generations after he's gone. Calvin shows his latest snow sculpture. It's a snowman with a rear end crack at the top of an icy set of stairs. Calvin calls it "nude descending a staircase".

Calvin is reading and complains everything is too hard. He wishes he could take a pill to be perfect. He wishes he could push a button to have whatever he wanted. Hobbes says the American dream lives on. Calvin asks why he should have to work for everything. It's like saying he doesn't deserve it.

Calvin is making a snow sculpture called "the spirit of compromise". He'll have his snowman shake hands with Hobbes'. Calvin says it will be very inspirational. He says they'll soon be rolling in public commissions. Hobbes tells Calvin to make his snowman's arm longer. The snowman's arm won't reach Hobbes'. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't make his snowman's arm longer. Hobbes says it will make it look like his snowman had to reach farther. They'd be unequal. Calvin tells him to make his snowman closer. Hobbes won't start over and tells Calvin to make his snowman's arm longer. Calvin refuses. Hobbes says his snowman refuses to shake hands with Calvin's. Calvin's won't even talk to Hobbes'. Hobbes thumbs his ears and says his snowman will kick Calvin's snowman in its big white butt. Calvin threatens Hobbes' snowman. They fight. Both snowmen are destroyed. Lying in the snow, Hobbes says he doesn't think the sculpture is very good. Calvin says it's a compromise.

Calvin is reading a comic book. Hobbes sneaks up behind Calvin and says "ahem". Calvin is startled and jumps up. He says he just hates retractable claws.

Calvin tells Hobbes that if a groundhog sees his shadow today, they'll have six more weeks of winter. He tells Hobbes to yell if he sees one. Calvin is armed with a lamp, connected to several extension cords.

Hobbes is lying on the ground. Calvin says a poem about a tiger sprawling in the sun, his day done. It was warmth he sought, the sun making his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked, his brain is now completely cooked. Calvin laughs and walks off. Hobbes crouches, ready to pounce.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom told him the tooth fairy might give him fifty cents for his baby tooth. Calvin got an idea to pour plaster over the tooth to make a mold. Now he's casting duplicate teeth. He'll put one under the pillow every night. By the end of the year, he'll have over $150. Hobbes asks if he thinks the tooth fairy will think he had 300 teeth in his mouth. Calvin asks how bright she can be if she'd rather have an old tooth than fifty cents.

Calvin shows Hobbes a cartoon he drew. Calvin explains that it shows a snowman in a car saying "Darn it, the engine froze up". Calvin laughs. Hobbes says if the car is made of snow, the engine would melt if it wasn't frozen. Either way, it wouldn't run. Calvin crumples up the paper and frowns.

Standing outside with Hobbes, Calvin detects the aroma of someone having a fire. He loves the smell of a fire on a winter day. He says it's strange how smells are so evocative, but they can't describe them. Hobbes says the fire has a snorky, brambish smell. Calvin should have known animals would have words for smells. Hobbes says it's a little brunky, but the low humidity affects that.

Calvin asks Hobbes if animals have their own words for specific smells. Hobbes says sure. Calvin asks what the word is for how wet leaves smell. Hobbes replies "snippid". Calvin asks what the word is for how he smells. Hobbes says "terrible". Hobbes laughs and runs off.

Calvin tells Hobbes that since most people don't know what it's like to be a child prodigy, he is going to write his autobiography. He says genius has its obligations. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin asks him how to spell "boogers".

Calvin says he no longer wants to be called a "boy". Hobbes asks if that isn't what he is. Calvin says he finds that term demeaning and sexist. Hobbes asks what he wants to be called. Calvin replies "a chromosomally advantaged youth". Hobbes isn't sure that will catch on.

Calvin looks back and off they go, down the hill on the toboggan. Through the trees, snow flying around, just missing a tree. Blackness, with pained sounds follows. Upside down in the air, followed by blackness and more sounds of pain. In the tree branches, followed by sounds of pain and blackness. Calvin is upside down in the snow. He says that was the best ride ever. Hobbes, also in the snow, says he kept closing his eyes. He suggests they do it again.

Calvin asks Hobbes why people aren't content with what they have. Hobbes says people's fingernails are a joke, they have no fangs, they can't see at night, their pink hides are ridiculous, and they don't have tails. That's why people aren't content. Calvin says to forget he said anything. Hobbes says if tigers weren't content, that would be something to wonder about.

Calvin asks if it wouldn't be cool if you sneezed and spray from your nose instantly froze. You could break it off your face and have a 3-D sculpture of your sneeze. Calvin walks after Hobbes, saying he thinks it would be cool. Hobbes says people wonder why cats are solitary.

Calvin shows Hobbes his retirement fund. It's a comic book where they introduce the archvillain "Deathmeister". Calvin says a mint copy of this will be worth millions. Calvin bought five copies, sealed them in airtight bags, and put them in the closet so light and humidity won't affect the pages. Hobbes asks how rare they will be if every kid in America has five copies. Calvin replies they're all counting on the other guys' mom to throw them away.

Calvin pushes a box and asks Hobbes if he'd like to buy Calvin's latest invention. Calvin says it's a writer's block. You put in on top of the desk, then you can't write there anymore. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he must be years ahead of his time.

Mom asks Calvin why he looks down in the dumps. Calvin says he doesn't have a hairy chest. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom says some babes don't care. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and says "right".

Hobbes is lying on the floor. He gets up suddenly, runs off, his tail fluffed out. Calvin watches him and comments that sometimes all that feline dignity is just too much to keep up.

Calvin is peacefully eating his lunch of a sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Suddenly, Hobbes jumps onto the table. He growls at Calvin. They fight. Finally, Hobbes sits at the table peacefully eating the sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Dirty and scratched from his battle with Hobbes, Calvin tells Mom he's still hungry. Mom says she fixed him a nice lunch. He can wait until dinner.

Calvin is looking for frogs. He tells Hobbes he must obey the inscrutable exhortations of his soul. Hobbes understands. Calvin says his mandate also includes weird bugs.

Hobbes pitches a ball to Calvin. Calvin sees the ball has teeth, so he swings several times at the ball. Hobbes tells him he just struck out for the next five innings. Exhausted, Calvin says at least the ball didn't get him.

Calvin thinks angels are everywhere. He tells Hobbes they're on calendars, books, greeting cards. Almost every product imaginable. Hobbes says they live in a spiritual age.

Calvin tells Hobbes that sometimes when he's talking, his words can't keep up with his thoughts. He wonders why they think faster than they can speak. Hobbes guesses it's probably so they can think twice.

Susie asks if this is his big orange surprise. Calvin asks if Hobbes didn't pounce on her. Susie hands Hobbes to Calvin, saying he was by the door. Hobbes is wearing a tie. Mom tells Susie to come in. Susie asks if her mom called to say she could come home already. Calvin chastises Hobbes for dressing up for a girl.

Mom offers Susie a snack. Calvin asks Hobbes what he has to say for himself. Hobbes says that when entertaining female friends, one shouldn't look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Calvin wonders who's entertaining and who looks seedy. Hobbes thinks a spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes. Calvin asks why Hobbes didn't kill her when she came through the door. Hobbes tells Calvin that if he had made proper introductions, he might have smooched her hand. Calvin reaches toward Hobbes offering to adjust the narrow end of his tie about eight inches.

Calvin is home from school. Hobbes sees him from the window and prepares to pounce. Calvin stops at the door. Inside, Hobbes wonders what's happening. Calvin sits on the steps. Hobbes lies down. Calvin continues to wait outside. Hobbes falls asleep. When Calvin hears Hobbes snoring, he opens the door. He is pounced upon by Hobbes. Hobbes gives Calvin a definition of "cat nap".

Calvin tells Hobbes that Susie is doing her homework. Hobbes wonders why she doesn't put it off until bedtime. Calvin informs him that she says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she gets home. Hobbes thinks this is like science fiction. Calvin calls it "The Gender From Outer Space".

Calvin calls an emergency meeting of G.R.O.S.S. under a box in his bedroom. Calvin says they've been infiltrated by the enemy who is spreading disinformation that homework ought to be done right after school. Calvin says though Mom has covert girl sympathies, they must eradicate the hostile forces. He asks if there are questions. Hobbes asks if they can put some air holes in the box. Calvin says the box of secrecy must remain secure.

Calvin asks if Hobbes understands the secret plan. He does, but he asks about the secret code. Calvin says the secret plan doesn't need one. Hobbes shows their club charter, which indicates every secret plan needs a secret code. Calvin says the club charter never lies. Hobbes says that's why this is such a great club.

Susie hears Calvin's voice in the closet saying he can't get out. She opens the door and goes in, only to find a tape recorder playing Calvin's message. Calvin and Hobbes slam the closet door shut.

Mom asks if Calvin is slamming doors. He says he didn't hear anything. Inside the closet, Susie is yelling for Calvin to open the door. She calls him a rotten bag of barf. Mom comes in and asks where Susie is. Calvin tells her she may have gone outside. Susie yells to be let out. Calvin acts shocked that Susie is in the closet. Susie tells Mom that Calvin tricked her into the closet and held the door.

Mom tells Susie that her mom is home and she will come pick Susie up. Susie is relieved. Mom angrily says she'll talk to Calvin in a few minutes. Calvin tells Susie not to lock herself in any more closets. Calvin and Hobbes run upstairs. Calvin says some promotions and medals are in order. Hobbes asks if they should get them before they get in trouble or after.

Calvin says it's hard to know what's important in life. They don't notice the small print, and they're never prepared for the big stuff. Hobbes asks what about the stuff in between. Calvin says that's boring. Hobbes says they should hope bumbling along without a clue is important. Calvin says that according to the ads, fresh breath and dry armpits are crucial.

Calvin tells Hobbes he's a decisive, take-charge type. He says they'll go the way he is pointing. Hobbes goes the other way and tells him to have fun. Crawling through brush and mud, Calvin says the problem is that nobody wants to go where he wants to lead them.

Calvin has a baseball glove and calls for the ball. A train comes toward Calvin. Lying on his back with the baseball next to him, Calvin tells Hobbes they'll work on his underhand pitches. Hobbes says if Calvin keeps running like that, he won't catch any fouls.

Calvin is complaining about the wind to Hobbes. Hobbes asks what the point is in griping about it if you can't change it. Calvin replies he isn't going to let a little wind be more annoying than him.

Out of the mailbox, Calvin gets a letter he wrote to himself. He reads it to Hobbes. It asks what day it is, since he's writing it on Monday. Calvin says his past self is corresponding with his future self. Hobbes says it's too bad he can't write back.

Calvin got another letter from his past self. The note reads that the future Calvin has done things the past Calvin hadn't yet done. He calls the future Calvin a lucky dog. Calvin feels sorry for himself two days ago.

Looking at the sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's too blue. It needs some red. He points up to show Hobbes where it should have some red. He runs off. Later, Calvin is flying a kite. He says that's better, and Hobbes agrees.

Calvin and Hobbes look at the sky at night. Calvin says to look at the stars. The universe goes on forever and ever. Hobbes says it makes you wonder why man considers himself such a big deal. Calvin thinks about it. They go inside to watch television. Calvin says that's why they stay inside with their appliances.

Calvin's new issue of Chewing magazine tells how to set up a fitness regime. Calvin says they recommend interval training. He tells Hobbes it's a grueling workout, but you build strength and endurance. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says all the glory makes it all worthwhile. Calvin says you also develop "chewer's jaw", which drives the girls wild.

Calvin's mouth is hanging open. He tells Hobbes he's doing stretches. As he pulls his cheeks and jaws, he says you should warm up before chewing gum. Neglecting to stretch is a leading cause of chewing gum injuries. Hobbes asks about falling down while chewing and walking. Calvin puts on a helmet saying that with a good helmet, the risk is surprisingly small.

Calvin's new Chewing magazine reviews gum chewing apparel. There is a jersey that wicks away perspiration. There is a mesh collar for ventilation and zippered pockets to hold spare gum. Hobbes asks why it's covered with logos. Calvin says that gives a psychological edge of pretending you're sponsored. Hobbes wonders how you tell if you're reading an advertisement, a product review, or the product itself.

Calvin says he needs a heart rate monitor to make sure he's chewing at his aerobic threshold. He wants to see he's chewing more gum, faster, harder, and longer. Hobbes asks the point of attaching a number to everything you do. Calvin says if your numbers go up, you're having more fun. Hobbes calls it science to the spirit's rescue once again.

Calvin shows Hobbes a trickle of water running through some dirt. He says their afternoon just got booked solid.

Calvin tells Hobbes the secret to happiness is to learn to appreciate the moment. As they climb a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes he takes great pleasure being right here, right now. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's supposed to be at school. Calvin replies he couldn't appreciate those moments.

Calvin runs through a field carrying an orange flag. He crosses a log over a stream, climbs a hill, and crawls through a brush pile. He climbs a tree, hangs up the orange flag and grabs a purple one. He races back over the same course. Hobbes calls time. Hobbes is impressed with fifteen minutes and twenty seconds, and Calvin dares him to beat that. Calvin says weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless, and Hobbes takes off running.

Calvin tells Hobbes a big part of life is boring routine. He needs excitement. He is going to have a new kind of cereal. Hobbes reads the cereal doesn't have chocolate frosting, but does have fiber and raisins. Calvin goes back to the pantry saying a big part of life is horrifying surprise. Routines can be comforting. He grabs his "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Hobbes says tigers prefer to inflict excitement on others.

Calvin wakes up and tells Hobbes every Saturday morning is the same. They get up at the crack of dawn, watch cartoons, eat sugary cereal until they fight, then get thrown out of the house by Mom. As they get out of bed, Hobbes says that's what he likes about Saturdays, too. Calvin calls out that the first one downstairs gets to pick the cartoons.

Calvin puts on his lucky rocketship underpants, admires himself in the mirror, and marches off, ready to face the school day. He sits in gum. He's caught peeking at a classmate's paper. Moe knocks him into the lockers. The water fountain sprays his face. His show and tell goes badly. No one wants him on their team at recess. He doesn't know what the lunch is. He can't get on the swing. Everyone in class knows the answer except him. He stares out the window at the sunny day. He misses the bus home. Calvin walks home in the rain. In bed, he looks out the window and says that some days even lucky rocketship underpants don't help. Hobbes says he's done all he could do.

Calvin gets out of bed. Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin tells the malevolent, murderous moron to leave him alone. Hobbes tosses him into the air and says it's morning. Now they can do stuff again. Hobbes runs off. Calvin chases him saying it's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep.

Calvin is a great believer in the value of novelty. He says anything new is good by definition. He tells Hobbes if you can't give him something new, then repackage the old so it looks new. Novelty is all that matters. He won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different. Hobbes sees why timeless truth doesn't sell. Calvin will take a good flash in the pan any day.

Hobbes yawns, then Calvin does. They both yawn. They lie down. Calvin says one of them should have left the room.

Calvin says getting is better than having. He says when you get something, it's new and exciting. When you have it, it's boring. Hobbes says everything you get turns into something you have. Calvin says that's why you always need to get new things. Hobbes feels he's in some stockholder's dream. "Waste and want" is Calvin's motto.

Calvin writes a list of things he'll never like. He mentions drying off with a cold, damp towel. He mentions seaweed wrapping around his leg. He mentions raisins, the screech babies make, and writhing maggots. He tells Hobbes it's comforting to know there are some certainties in life.

Calvin tells Hobbes life is full of possibilities. Instead of waiting for the school bus, he could thumb a ride and spend the rest of his life in the Serengeti, migrating with wildebeests. Hobbes points out that the Sergengeti is in Africa and that he couldn't really hitch a ride there. Calvin frowns and says life is full of precluded possibilities.

Hobbes asks why Calvin is digging a hole. Calvin is looking for buried treasure. Hobbes asks what he's found. Some dirty rocks, a weird root, and some disgusting grubs. Hobbes is overjoyed and asks if it was Calvin's first try. Calvin says there's treasure everywhere.

Spaceman Spiff gazes across the landscape. He wonders what dangers lie ahead. He wonders what bizarre occurrence he will be the first to witness. Spiff keeps looking across the expanse. He throws a few rocks. Spiff sighs. Calvin goes back inside. Hobbes comes with him, saying that if he couldn't find any weirdness, they'll have to make some.

Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. He says the family would be in trouble if Hobbes were bringing home the bacon. As he turns around, Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes carries him in his mouth and drops him. Hobbes walks away, and Calvin yells after him that he isn't bacon.

Sitting under a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes that when birds burp, it must taste like bugs. Hobbes leaves. Calvin says nobody ever pays a penny for his thoughts.

In the bathtub, Calvin says he figures he spends an average of four days a year taking baths. He asks what could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that. Hobbes looks at the paper and asks how long it took Calvin to add all that up.

Calvin says he's a man of few words. Hobbes suggests that if he read more, he'd have a larger vocabulary. Hobbes runs off with Calvin in hot pursuit.

Calvin is filling up a water balloon. It bursts, soaking Calvin with water. He gets another balloon and vows not to fill that one so full. He has trouble tying off the knot, spilling water all over himself. He starts to fill the balloon again. It slips off and soaks him. Calvin says Hobbes will be there at any second, so he tries to fill the balloon again. Hobbes runs up, and Calvin covers himself. Hobbes notices how soaked Calvin already is. He asks what the point is. Hobbes walks away.

Calvin complains that it's hot, humid, buggy, with no breeze, and the air is full of pollen. Then he says "But it's summer!" Off he and Hobbes go to play.

Dad answers the phone at his office. Calvin says it's nice outside. He tells Dad to climb a tree and goof off. He hangs up. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Dad harasses him with his values, he'll harass Dad with his.

Calvin shows Hobbes a butterfly he caught and put in a jar. Hobbes tells him that if people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it. Calvin looks at the jar, opens it and lets the butterfly out.

An eye opens to see Hobbes directly in front. Calvin is startled awake by Hobbes. Hobbes says that since he's awake, they can go play. Still jittery from the experience, Calvin says he doesn't need any coffee.

Calvin is all scratched and bruised. Hobbes says it looks like the bike lesson didn't go so well. Calvin complains that Dad like riding his bike, so he doesn't understand what it's like for Calvin. He says he hates flipping over bars, getting chased around the yard, and getting mowed down by a demonic machine. Hobbes asks if that's what happened. Calvin tells him no. He tripped coming up the stairs.

Mom is shaking while she tells Calvin that's been enough. Outside, Calvin is shaking. He tells Hobbes that Mom was moving strangely today. Hobbes tells him that she might be right about how much sugar he puts on his cereal.

Calvin sits at a box labeled "Frank Appraisal of Your Looks". Hobbes asks if he's had any business. Calvin says no, but that he's giving lots of free samples.

Mom got Calvin a book from the library. Calvin complains to Hobbes that it's summer. With only three months to goof off, he's not wasting precious days reading books. He says summers are for vegetating. He says everyone knows it's not entertainment unless you can sit in the dark and eat.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he's reading the library book Mom had gotten for Calvin. Hobbes is engrossed in reading it. Calvin asks if it's good, if it's exciting, if he's having fun. Hobbes quietly sits reading. Calvin yells at him asking how it could be fun when it's so quiet.

Calvin says he's going to do something fun while Hobbes reads his boring book. Calvin crosses his arms and says he'll be having the time of his life, while Hobbes will wish he was. Suddenly, Hobbes is startled by something in the book. Calvin wants to read over Hobbes' shoulder. Hobbes holds the book closer and tells Calvin to do something fun.

Calvin is writing a fund-raising letter. He tells Hobbes the secret is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. You explain how they're destroying everything you hold dear. It's a war of values. Rational discussion is hopeless. We need your money to keep up the fight. Hobbes says that's cynically unconstructive. Calvin informs him that enmity sells.

Calvin sits at a box marked that happiness is for sale for ten cents. Hobbes asks what Calvin gives people for their ten cents. Calvin says he gives a water balloon right in the kisser. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin takes their money, then hits them with a water balloon. He asks whose happiness they're talking about. Calvin asks who went to all the trouble.

Calvin is dressed like an explorer. He tells Hobbes the map says to turn left at the tree and walk thirty paces. They do, and Hobbes asks what's there. Calvin says the map shows a big hole. They start digging, and Hobbes asks if it wouldn't be faster to make the map conform to the yard. Calvin asks if he's in a big hurry.

Calvin tells Hobbes art isn't about ideas, it's about style. Calvin says the most crucial career decision is to pick a good "ism" so everyone knows how to categorize you without understanding the work. Hobbes says Calvin does goofy drawings on the sidewalk. Calvin says he's a suburban post-modernist. He says he was going to be a neo-deconstructivist, but Mom wouldn't let him.

Calvin complains that life is tough for suburban post-modernists. People seem reluctant to pay for drawings that wash away in the rain. Nobody wants tax money to support art. Corporations won't underwrite him because he's not famous enough. Hobbes asks if he could support his art with another job. Calvin is indignant that Hobbes would suggest work.

As Calvin draws on the sidewalk, he tells Hobbes people make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. He says art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. He hands Hobbes an artist's statement. It explains his work is incomprehensible and therefore full of deep significance.

Calvin and Hobbes see a snake. Hobbes asks if it's poisonous. Calvin wonders how you know. Hobbes suggests that if it bites you and you die, it's poisonous. They watch it move along, wondering how it glides. Calvin sees it flicking its tongue and wonders why they smell with their tongue. Hobbes asks if they have eyelids. Calvin wonders how it swallows something bigger than its own head. Hobbes says that Mom might get them a book so they'd know the answers. As they run to the house, Calvin stops. It's summer, and he's on vacation. He doesn't want to learn anything. Hobbes says if nobody makes him do it, it counts as fun. With that, Calvin and Hobbes get a book and learn about snakes.

Rolling down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes that nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That's one thing they know for sure in this world. He continues saying he's still going to gripe about it.

Calvin belches. He blows on his hands to make a bodily sound. He burps again. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin cheerfully says he's hoping there's a mockingbird around.

As Calvin watches television, he tells Hobbes people ask why they tolerate a culture that celebrates violence. He says it's because it's entertaining. He goes on to say that if warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it. The business should respond to customer demand. Hobbes says that the customer is always right. Calvin calls for them to shock and titillate him, he's got money.

Calvin says popular culture isn't responsible for selling twisted values. He says movies and television reflect the reality of their times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see. Hobbes asks why they don't see things of beauty and value. Calvin informs him that boring stuff doesn't sell. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that shows such vision and integrity. Calvin says that there's nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit.

Calvin informs Hobbes that since today's audience is so hip and sophisticated, they aren't affected by culture. They can separate fact from fiction. They're detached and jaded viewers not influenced by what they watch. Hobbes holds his ear and says he thinks he hears advertisers laughing. Calvin has to inflate his basketball shoes.

Calvin tells Hobbes that bugs get on his nerves. He says the way they zip around, their high-pitched noise, their pesky size, everything about them is annoying. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says "said the hyperactive, whiny, small child". Angrily, Calvin chases Hobbes.

Going down the hill in the sled, Calvin says they all want to live meaningful lives. They look for meaning in everything they do. He asks Hobbes to suppose there is no meaning, that life is fundamentally absurd. He asks Hobbes to suppose there's no reason, truth, or rightness in anything. As they sail off the edge of the hill into the air, he asks Hobbes what if nothing really matters. Hobbes covers his eyes and says there's no harm in a little wishful thinking. Tumbling through the air, Calvin ponders whether it would be worse if everything mattered.

Calvin shows Hobbes that his water balloon is round and aerodynamic for grim accuracy and certain soaking. He tells Hobbes that his water balloon is long and floppy, impossible to throw accurately. He says the advantage is his and asks Hobbes if he surrenders. Hobbes unties the end of his water balloon and shoots the water at Calvin.

Calvin tells Hobbes that when a person pauses in mid-sentence, that's the best time to jump in and change the topic. He says it's like an interception in football. The more sentences you complete, the higher your score. He says the idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own. That's how you win. Hobbes complains that conversations aren't contests. Calvin says that's a point for Hobbes, but he's still ahead.

Mom stands in the doorway, cup of coffee in hand. It's barely sunrise. Calvin has a flag in hand and is running off to play. Mom says just once she'd like to see him manage that during the school year.

Calvin says that everywhere you go, you hear people, radios, and engines. When you're confronted with the stillness of nature, it's kind of startling. Hobbes says you can even hear yourself think. Calvin says this is making him nervous and wants to go in.

Calvin says they rely on sight to confirm the existence of things. They don't believe what they can't see. He asks how they know no-see-ums exist. It's an ontological quandary. Hobbes tells him to hold still a moment. Calvin says he itches. Hobbes says he's glad he could help.

Calvin tells Hobbes that some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best choices available. Some are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. Others just act on any whim that enters their heads. Hobbes rolls his eyes and wonders which one Calvin is. Calvin says he pragmatically turns his whims into principles.

Calvin is compiling a book of recipes to help Mom prepare better meals. Hobbes looks at it and notices they all involve deep-fat frying. Calvin says he's adding a chocolate syrup section now.

Hobbes is stalking something. Calvin is playing in the yard. Suddenly, he hears a sneeze. Off he runs. Hobbes rises from the tall grass angrily and continues stalking. Peeking out of the house door, Calvin says hayfever season isn't all bad. From the bushes, Calvin hears "you thig id's fuddy, but id's dot". Calvin slams the door closed while Hobbes blows his nose.

Calvin is walking with a towel wrapped around his head. He tells Hobbes he has a water balloon hidden under the turban. He asks Hobbes if he thinks that's pretty ingenious. Hobbes says he bets the towel comes in handy. Calvin asks why. Calvin is chasing Hobbes, water soaking him, with his turban pushed down in the middle.

Sitting on the steps outside, Calvin and Hobbes are eating corn. Calvin says summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. Hobbes says it was nice of Calvin's parents to let them eat outside.

It's dark, then suddenly it's light. In bed, Calvin is smiling while Hobbes is startled awake. It's dark again. It lights again, and Calvin says he's a firefly. Hobbes sees the flashlight.

Calvin is filling out a survey for "Chewing" magazine. He indicates he spends $500 a week on gum, he's 43 years old, with a favorite flavor of "garlic/curry". Hobbes thinks this magazine will have some amusing ads soon. Calvin loves messing with data.

Lying on a tree branch, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's noticed how people try to do two things at once. They talk on the phone while they drive. They watch TV while they eat. They listen to music while they work. People don't focus on one thing to do it well or enjoy it. Hobbes tells him he's breaking his concentration. Calvin says they focus on doing nothing at all.

Calvin can't believe summer is almost over. School will start, no long days outside, no more fun. Hobbes tells him they should make the most of the time they have left. Calvin tells him he's reserved the rest of the month for moping.

Calvin says he'd build a raft for their pond, but he doesn't have a place to dock it. Hobbes says he's always said Calvin is a friend without pier. Calvin doesn't get it. Hobbes says Calvin's under a lot of pier pressure. Calvin asks if there is something wrong with Hobbes.

Calvin tells Hobbes there aren't many heroes these days. He asks who is out there to inspire them with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice. He asks if they can look up to business leaders, politicians, celebrities. He says they're lucky if they don't end up in prison. Hobbes says that fortunately, if they can't get inspiration, they'll accept entertainment. Calvin dons his Stupendous Man hood and says that the hero business is up to him.

Hobbes gets to eat with Calvin at the table for dinner. They get to eat early and have grilled cheese sandwiches. Calvin says this is more like it. Mom serves his sandwich, and Calvin notices Mom is dressed nicely. Calvin suspects something.

Calvin tells Hobbes that if he does all his homework, they get to stay up to play Calvinball. Calvin finishes his math homework and starts his history work. At the restaurant, Mom says they're there to have a nice time and not to think of what trouble Calvin's getting into. Dad spins around and says that sounded like another siren.

Calvin sings a Calvinball song about having a game that's never the same, it's always bizarre. It's named after him. He tells Rosalyn to harmonize with Hobbes on the rumma tum tums. Rosalyn thinks this was a mistake.

Calvin has the Calvinball, so everyone has to go in slow motion. When Rosalyn tries to clarify what's happening, Calvin tells her she has to talk in slow motion. In slow motion, Rosalyn says this game makes no sense. It's as if he's making it up as he goes. Calvin says she's stumbled into the perimeter of wisdom. They run. Rosalyn now understands.

Rosalyn says if she's in the perimeter of wisdom, she gets to make a decree. She decrees that Calvin has to catch a water balloon she throws high into the air. As Rosalyn races to get a balloon, Calvin tells Hobbes that she picked up the nuances of this game fast.

Rosalyn tosses the water balloon into the air. As he runs, Calvin says he's in the corollary zone. If he catches the balloon, the thrower has to bend over and hold still. Calvin catches it. He thinks this is going to be sweet. Rosalyn grabs Hobbes and holds him behind her.

Calvin tells Hobbes not to guard Rosalyn. He wants to hit her with the balloon. Calvin says he'll just have to soak both of them. Rosalyn touches Calvin with the flag. She says the baby sitter flag means he has to obey the baby sitter. She says it's a half hour past his bedtime. They have to go in. Calvin grumbles about the darn baby sitter flag.

Dad pulls up and sees the house is still standing. Mom asks how everything is. Rosalyn tells them everything's fine. She says Calvin did his homework, they played a game, and Calvin went to bed. Dad says it's awfully late for jokes. In bed, Calvin says he noticed that when they play games with girls, Hobbes gets captured a lot. Hobbes says some of us are just irresistible.

Calvin hates Sundays. The day off is ruined knowing you have to go to school the next day. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get his chores done now, so they can enjoy the rest of the day without worry. Calvin hates to delay fun, but he thinks Hobbes might be onto something. They clean the bedroom, do homework, get clothes ready, make lunch, and take a bath. Off they go to play. Mom sees them and says it's time for bed. Calvin says he isn't going to listen to Hobbes again. Hobbes agrees they should never put the low priorities first.

Calvin tells Hobbes he likes his cereal to crackle and pop when he puts milk on it. He shows Hobbes. Hobbes says he's never seen Raisin Bran do that. Calvin put in an Alka-Seltzer.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin doesn't snap the ball, because secretly he's the quarterback for the other team. Hobbes calls him a traitor. Calvin heads for the goal. Hobbes says he's running toward his own goal. When Hobbes learned Calvin was a spy, he switched goals, and his is hidden. Calvin says as a traitor, crossing his goal counts as crossing Hobbes' goal. Hobbes says his goal is hidden right on top of Calvin's, so the points will go to him. Calvin says he's really a double-agent. Hobbes will lose points if Calvin crosses his goal. Hobbes retorts that he's also a traitor. The points will go to Calvin's team, which is really his team. Calvin admits that would be true, if he were a football player. He's really a badminton player disguised as a double-agent football player. Hobbes is secretly a volleyball-croquet-polo player. Calvin says sooner or later, all their games turn into Calvinball. Hobbes tells him no cheating.

Calvin needs Hobbes' help. The teacher said his book report was terrible, and it has to be done over. Calvin says he obviously needs a cooler letterhead logo. Hobbes starts adding lance-toting tigers around the Calvin shield.

Hobbes stretches out, arches his back, then hunches it. Calvin says not everyone can get a full isometric workout just by yawning.

Calvin throws his books, saying he hates school assignments. He says he has to make a leaf collection. Hobbes asks how many leaves he needs. Fifty, Calvin replies. Hands in pockets, Calvin says that just when he thought of a loophole, Miss Wormwood said each leaf had to be a different kind. Hobbes says she has his number.

Hobbes asks when Calvin's leaf collection is due. Calvin tells him two weeks. Hobbes says that's only three or four leaves a day. Calvin says he's not working weekends. Hobbes says then it's five leaves a day. Calvin says his weekdays are booked until next Thursday at 6 PM. Hobbes says he'll need fifty leaves an hour. Calvin says it's impossible.

Hobbes sees a leaf for Calvin's collection. He doesn't want it. It's a beautiful afternoon, and he won't waste it doing busywork for school. Hobbes tells him it would be one less leaf to collect later. Calvin replies it's one leaf more than he needs right now. As Hobbes tosses the leaf, he says somehow, it's always right now until it's too late.

Riding down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes that the teacher reminded the class there is only a week left for their leaf collections. They should be half done now. Hobbes reminds Calvin he hasn't started. Calvin says he works better under pressure. Hobbes clarifies that he only works under pressure. Calvin says the work time is more miserable, but there's less of it.

Mom tosses Calvin out the door to catch the school bus. Miss Wormwood is frustrated with his paper. Moe steals the ball from him. Calvin can't figure out the math problem in front of the class. Calvin drags mud in on his shoes, and Mom yells at him. Finally, Calvin goes outside to play. He tells Hobbes the world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.

Calvin is grabbing leaves off the ground. He can't believe Mom wouldn't take him to the park. He says it's no wonder he gets bad grades. Hobbes says he did spring it on Mom at the last second. Calvin complains that's when he thought of it. The problem is that Mom isn't flexible. Calvin wishes there was some way out of the assignment. Suddenly, a spacecraft appears above them.

Two aliens come out of their spacecraft and ask to see the supreme earthling potentate. Calvin says they're speaking to him. One of the aliens says he chose the landing site. Kudos to navigator Nebular.

The aliens are taking over the world. Calvin asks why. The aliens reply earth is prime real estate. Calvin says he never thought of that. One alien says there is charm, atmosphere, and a quiet galaxy. Hobbes says the atmosphere needs cleaning. The other alien says it's a good fixer upper.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he's trading earth for fifty alien tree leaves. Calvin says he'll have the coolest project in class. Plus, he doesn't have to waste any more time on gathering his own leaves. They can goof off all day. Hobbes says then the aliens take over the earth. Calvin replies it isn't like the grownups have done such a bang-up job.

Hobbes loves the fall. He likes the cool days, the smell of leaves, the colors. Calvin says autumn is melancholy. Summer is over in a week or two, and things will hunker down for a long winter. Nothing lasts. He says fall is a last fling before things get worse. Hobbes asks if they' appreciate how precious things are if they lasted forever. Calvin likes to have everything so good, so he can take it all for granted.

Mom tells Calvin he can't watch TV until his leaf collection is done. He says it's getting done as they speak. Mom asks what he means. She wants to see the collection. Calvin says she should sit down. Upstairs, Calvin grumpily walks in saying Mom didn't even want to hear about it.

As they play, Hobbes says it's almost bedtime, and the aliens haven't returned with the leaves. Calvin says it's a long trip. Hobbes asks what happens if they don't show up. Calvin says they told him they would. Hobbes wonders if they got lost. Calvin tells him their superior technology prevents them getting lost. Hobbes says it's a big universe. Calvin offers to turn on more lights.

Calvin says the aliens haven't shown up. He bets the aliens got back to their planet and procrastinated. He bets they have no respect for deadlines. He bets they put it off and are doing a lousy job at the last second. Hobbes rolls his eyes and wonders how anyone could be so irresponsible. Calvin says if they aren't there in five minutes, he's not handing over the earth.

Hobbes sees headlights over the trees. Calvin thinks it's the aliens. He goes to collect his leaves. Dad sees Calvin outside collecting leaves in his pajamas. Dad has a flashlight. He tells Calvin to get in bed. Calvin says space aliens left the leaves for him.

Calvin says the teacher didn't believe his leaves were from an alien planet. She told Calvin it was obvious he did it last night and make a mockery of the assignment. Calvin grabs some leaves and tells Hobbes the teacher won't admit it was a pointless project. He asks who cares about leaves. He calls it useless knowledge. Hobbes tells Calvin he's holding poison sumac. Calvin asks what makes Hobbes say that.

Calvin is running with the football. He's going for a touchdown. Hobbes pulls a rope he has tied to a string. Calvin trips. On the ground, Calvin tells Hobbes he's supposed to tackle him. Hobbes says that seems so lowbrow.

Calvin tells Hobbes school wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to go every day...and if you didn't have to learn anything...and if you took away the teachers and other kids. School would then be great. Hobbes tells him a lot of things are like that. Calvin says nobody asks him how things ought to be. He has tons of ideas.

Calvin thinks everything will be effortless in the future. Computers will handle every task. They'll never leave the climate-controlled comfort of their homes. He says there will be no nuisance, no wasted time, no annoying human interaction. Hobbes suggests that would be no life. Calvin says life is too inconvenient.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to juggle eggs. Calvin says it's a metaphor for life. Each egg represents one of life's concerns. The goal is to give the right amount of attention while watching and guiding the others. Life is about balance and staying alert as things threaten to spin out of control. There are broken eggs all over the living room. Hobbes says sometimes, they make a big mess of things. Calvin says the important thing is persistence.

Asleep in bed, Hobbes yawns and rolls over, taking Calvin's blanket. Calvin tries to pull it back to no avail. He then rolls Hobbes back over, only to find he is at the edge of the bed. He pushes Hobbes back over again, and there goes the blanket with Hobbes. Calvin goes to Mom and Dad's bedroom. He crawls into bed next to Mom and rolls over. There goes the blanket, leaving Dad without any cover.

Geese are flying south for the winter. Calvin explains twice a year they migrate thousands of miles to fulfill nature's unyielding demands. Calvin and Hobbes watch the geese. Calvin says he bets that gets old real fast.

Calvin asks why his life isn't like a situation comedy. He asks why he doesn't have friends who drop by and instigate wacky adventures. He asks why his conversations aren't peppered with spontaneous witticisms. Hobbes asks if he knows any gorgeous babes. Calvin says he needs to get his life some writers.

Calvin tells Hobbes that day by day, nothing seems to happen. Pretty soon, though, things are different. One day you realize you're not the same person you used to be. People change whether they decide to or not. Hobbes says thank heaven for small favors. Calvin suspiciously looks at Hobbes and says he used to be more tolerant of oblique aspersions.

As a genius, Calvin says it's important he write a lot of letters. He tells Hobbes his correspondence will be resource material for historians to reconstruct his life. He says his writings will provide fascinating insights for biographers. Hobbes notices how all his salutations begin "Hey, boogerbrain". Calvin complains that it's been three weeks, and he still hasn't received his x-ray glasses.

Calvin keeps having the same dream every night. Hobbes says if it's the same dream, it must mean something. Calvin thinks it means the fall season flopped and his subconscious went into reruns.

There is a map, drawn to show a sled ride down Mt. Vertigo, through the woods, going to the pine tree. The map shows picking up hidden snowballs and blasting Susie. It shows a getaway, and ending with a jump into an impenetrable fortress. Calvin looks around wishing it would snow. Hobbes says while they wait, he'll draw more spirals above Susie's head.

Calvin says the pace of modern life is all wrong. He says every day is an ordeal. He asks why he's waiting for the school bus at that hour. He says it's unnatural and unhealthy. He says people should ease into the day. They should read the paper, have cocoa, go for a walk. Hobbes says it would then be mid-afternoon. Calvin continues that it would be time to kick back and plan dinner.

Calvin shows Hobbes a photo of when he was two. Calvin knows it's him, but he doesn't feel a connection to the image. He says it's like looking at a picture of someone else. Hobbes thinks it looks like a slobbering nudist with legs like sausages. Calvin says now he can't stand to wad a soggy blanket in his mouth.

Calvin shows Hobbes a photo of when he was three. He says he thought he knew everything then. Calvin says a lifetime of experience has left him bitter and cynical.

Hobbes and Calvin brace themselves against the cold. Calvin says it needs to be warmer. He adds it's too quiet and needs background music. He says it's too slow. Things should happen more quickly. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says if only being outside were more like driving a car. Calvin agrees, saying they could be sitting down now.

Calvin stops at a corner in the house. He takes off a shoe and flips it past the corner. Hobbes pounces on it. At the shoe store, Mom asks how anyone could wear out shoes so fast. Calvin tells her he leads a rugged life.

Calvin asks Hobbes if it seems like everybody shouts at each other. He thinks it's because conflict is drama. Drama is entertaining. Finding consensus is dull. People want fireworks. They want the sense of solidarity that comes from having interests narrowed by like-minded zealots. Talk show hosts, news programs, political candidates all become successful by reducing debates to the level of shouted rage. Nothing gets solved, but everyone is entertained. Hobbes says he may be right. Calvin says this is turning out to be a boring day.

Calvin says people talk about opening more wilderness for development. It seems people understand the value of oil, timber, and minerals, but not the value of unspoiled beauty, wildlife, and solitude. Hobbes suggests they put prices on the priceless.

Calvin reads the newspaper and these are interesting times. He says we don't trust government, the legal system, the media, or each other. They've undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it. Hobbes says "interesting" is a mild way of putting it. Calvin calls it a six-year-old's dream come true.

Calvin asks if Hobbes has noticed conversations revolve around TV shows and movies. Our common references are things that never happened and people they'll never meet. They know more about fictional characters than they do their neighbors. Hobbes thinks that's why new houses aren't built with big front porches anymore.

Calvin and Hobbes are looking for weirdness. Hobbes finds a rock with a purple stripe. Calvin finds a stick. It's strange, but not weird. There are no bugs out, so nothing there. Calvin finds a bird feather. Hobbes says it's pretty, but not weird. Calvin sees a ripped-up old kite stuck in a tree. Calvin was hoping to find the kid's skeleton at the end of the string. Hobbes thinks that would be weird. They decide to go inside. Hobbes says some days, weirdness is hard to find. Just then, Dad rides by on his bicycle. He's all bundled for the cold. Dad says his glasses are fogged, and he can't blow his nose, but his heart rate is the envy of men half his age. Calvin says weirdness always starts at home. Hobbes says even when you look for it, you're not prepared for it.

Calvin writes a letter to Santa. He writes he's been extremely good this year and makes a footnote indication near the word "good". Hobbes reads it and says obviously Calvin's hoping Santa won't read the long, fine print disclosure in the footnote. Calvin says he got the idea from car ads.

Calvin asks Hobbes if there's an evil Santa. He'd make toys for the bad girls and boys. Evil Santa would give the dangerous, annoying toys parents don't allow. Hobbes asks what would happen if you were good. Calvin says he would punish you with shirts and underwear.

Calvin writes to Santa demanding to know who made Santa the master of Calvin's fate. He asks who Santa is to question his behavior. Hobbes tells him Santa makes the toys, so he decides who to give them to. Calvin pauses. He decides it's time to prepare his appellate case.

Calvin is hit by a snowball. He asks Hobbes if he threw the snowball. Hobbes doesn't know what he's talking about. Calvin accuses him of being sneaky, grim, and ruthless. He says that spells "tiger". Hobbes says it spells "Calvin's new name is Mr. Stupid Soggyshorts". They start fighting. Susie comes over and tells Calvin he should have seen his expression when she hit him with the snowball. She laughs and walks away. Calvin thinks. He looks at Hobbes, who then pelts Calvin with snowballs for having accused him.

Going down the hill on the sled, Hobbes yells there is a tree. He tells Calvin to hit the brakes. The sled hits the tree. Buried in the snow, Calvin says trees are his brakes.

In the house, Calvin says in the short term, it would make him happy to play outside. In the long term, it would make him happier to do well in school and be successful. As they ride down the hill on the sled, Calvin says in the very long term, he knows which will make better memories.

A snowman has bowled another snowman's head down a lane into snow pins. Calvin tells Hobbes that first, Mom says go out. Now she says come in.

Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin wants to try a different path. He tells Hobbes change is invigorating. If you don't accept new challenges, you become lazy. Change forces them to experiment and adapt. That's how they learn and grow. As they sail off the edge of the hill, Calvin says there's a fresh challenge. Hobbes admits it's opened up new horizons. Stuck in the snow, Hobbes says new experiences are rarely the ones they choose.

Calvin says the Christmas season is time for personal reflection. It's time to think about what's important. He says it's time to rededicate oneself to acquisition, a time to spread the joy of material wealth, time to glorify excess of every kind. Hobbes says earthly rewards make consumerism a popular religion.

Calvin tells Hobbes the aliens claim he sold a defective planet. Hobbes suggests offering a refund. Calvin threw away the leaf collection when it got a bad grade. Hobbes thinks they should help them stay warm. Calvin says they don't have arms. They'd need huge socks. Hobbes starts to take down their Christmas stockings from the fireplace. Calvin thinks that's a bad idea.

Hobbes puts the Christmas stockings on the aliens. They thank the earth leader and leave. Calvin complains Santa can't fill them with loot. Hobbes is sure that Santa knows they did a good thing, and things will work out. Calvin realizes he did do something good. He's thinking jackpot now. Hobbes says Calvin's selflessness is the hope of the season.

One of Santa's elves wants him to look at Calvin's list. It includes a supplement on incendiary weapons. Santa asks if Calvin's naughty or nice. The elf hands Santa the dossier. Santa notices "the noodle incident". The elf says they have had trouble verifying the particulars of that case. Santa notices all the slushballs Calvin has thrown at the girl down the street. The elf says that surveillance documents 400 incidents, but the kid claims extenuating circumstances. The elf says the tiger vouches for the kid's character. Santa asks what the parents say. The elf indicates they're looking into the sarcasm factor in the dad's comments. Santa says he's made up his mind and asks if Calvin's asleep. The elf says he is wide awake. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin Santa won't come until they're asleep. Calvin can't take the suspense.

Hobbes' present for Calvin is outside. Hobbes gave him a pile of ready-made snowballs. Calvin hugs Hobbes and says he's the best. He supposes it would be wrong to throw the snowballs at Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he made his own pile, just in case.

Calvin makes a generic snowman. He says he used to make original snowmen, but it was hard work. Now he cranks out imitations of what's already popular. It takes no time, and people don't care about the difference. Hobbes says it's so cynical, yet so practical. Calvin asks what's good about originality if you can't crank it out.

Calvin shows Hobbes the latest issue of "Chewing" magazine. It tells how to stay in condition over the winter. Hobbes asks what's so hard about that. You can chew gum all year. Calvin informs him that serious chewers need more than strong jaw muscles. They need a total cross-training fitness regime. Hobbes clarifies the idea is to increase the amount of the hobby you can endure. Calvin agrees. He says when you're good at it, it's really miserable.

In bed, Calvin clutches his blanket. He says sometimes at night, he worries about things and can't fall asleep. In the dark, it's easier to imagine awful possibilities you'd never be prepared for. He says it's hard to feel courageous in loose-fitting, drowsy bear jammies. Hobbes says that's why tigers sleep in the buff.

Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman, enjoying a snow cone. Hobbes asks about the other snowman, lying on the ground, with an ice cream scoop stuck in his back with several scoops taken out. Calvin says it's a sordid story.

Hobbes asks Calvin if he's going to make any New Year's resolutions. Calvin says he's resolving to wing it and see what happens. Hobbes says Calvin's staying the course. Calvin says he sticks to his strengths.

Wading through the snow, Calvin says it really snowed last night. He asks Hobbes if it isn't beautiful. Hobbes says everything familiar has disappeared. The world looks brand-new. Calvin says it's a new year, a fresh, clean start. Hobbes thinks it's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on. Calvin says it's a day full of possibilities. They hop on the toboggan. Calvin tells Hobbes it's a magical world. Down they go. Calvin says "let's go exploring".