Calvin sees Moe coming. Moe demands the ball, calling Calvin a twinky. Calvin gives Moe the ball and says you should never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.

Calvin is in a swing as Moe comes up indicating Calvin took his favorite swing. Calvin agrees and asks Moe about that. Moe ponders that while Calvin tells us Moe's train of thought is still boarding at the station.

Calvin tells Moe he was wondering something. Calvin wonders if Moe's maladjusted antisocial tendencies were the product of his berserk pituitary gland. Moe stands there confused. Calvin says Moe is great, and that we should give him a hand.

Moe informs Calvin it will cost fifty cents to be his friend today. Calvin wonders what happens if he doesn't want to be Moe's friend today. Moe tells Calvin he'll be scraped off the wall with a spatula. Calvin wonders what's a little extortion among friends.

Moe threatens Calvin with tasting asphalt in fifth period. Calvin calls fifth period "Studies in Contemporary State-Sponsored Terrorism"...also known as gym class.

Calvin sees Moe coming and comments that Moe isn't smart, but is streetwise. After Moe passes, Calvin clarifies that means Moe knows which street he lives on.

Moe tells Calvin he has two periods to live. He warns him that in gym class, Calvin will be turned into hamburger casserole. As Calvin walks off, he says he hates gym class. The coach thinks violence is aerobic.

Moe tries to extort some money from Calvin. Calvin tells Moe he's not giving him any money. In fact, he says he doesn't even have any. Moe readies a punch. Calvin suddenly remembers he has some money and flips it to Moe. Calvin comments that for a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, Moe is awfully persuasive.

Moe gives Calvin the quarter he "borrowed" from him the day before. Moe says someone told on him, and it will be a dark day for whoever it was if Moe finds out who. Calvin looks at his quarter. He decides he should use it to call his insurance agent.

Calvin is playing with a ball on the playground. Moe comes over and pushes Calvin to the ground. Moe walks off laughing. Calvin says that people who are nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

Moe comes up to Calvin in the playground and notices the "teddy bear". Calvin corrects him about it being a tiger and calls Moe a brainless invertebrate. Moe says maybe he'd like to play with the "teddy". Calvin says that's a good idea. He tells him Hobbes plays rough, but he's lots of fun. He invites Moe to take Hobbes. Moe, suspecting something, looks around for a teacher. He asks if this is a trick. He says he's not touching his "teddy". Calvin dares him. He calls Moe a chicken. Moe leaves. Calvin tells Hobbes that he scared him away. He hugs Hobbes. Hobbes angrily yells to Moe to come call him a "bear" again.

Moe tells Calvin they're wrestling in gym class. Moe tells him he'll be so covered in mat burns that he'll need skin grafts. Calvin sighs and walks away. He says physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.

Calvin is sitting on a swing when Moe comes up to him. Moe tells Calvin to get off his swing. Calvin replies he's not afraid of Moe. He explains to Moe that he's so dumb that he's never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and greater maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Moe punches Calvin off the swing. Calvin, crumpled on the ground, says those TV nature programs will be the death of him yet.

Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to forget it, he just got on. Calvin says Moe will have to wait his turn like everyone else. Moe pulls him off and cocks his fist. Calvin, lying in a cloud of dust, says he keeps forgetting rules are only for little nice people.

Moe tells Calvin he's going to pound him in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin tells him to get his kicks now. He calls him a glandular freak. He says once Moe grows up, he won't be able to beat people up for no reason. Moe comes back, rolling up his sleeve, saying Calvin is right. Calvin, stuffed halfway through his locker door, says that wasn't what he meant at all.

Mom opens the bedroom door and tells him to get out of bed, he's going to miss the bus. He stands at the blackboard doing a math problem. Miss Wormwood tells him to sit down if he doesn't know the answer. Moe holds him up by his shirt, clenches his fist, and asks Calvin if he wants to see if there's an afterlife. As Calvin tries to go out his bedroom window, he's told he can't go out to play until his homework is done. Calvin stirs his dinner, and Dad tells him just to eat it and not to play with it. Mom tells him to quit stalling and to take his bath. Dad turns off the TV and tells him he can't stay up later and to go to bed. Mom comes in after Calvin climbs in bed. She kisses his forehead and tells Calvin to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big day. After the light is turned out, Calvin sighs.

Moe wants the truck Calvin is playing with. Calvin tells Moe he can't just take something because he's bigger than others. Moe cocks his fist and tells Calvin he's not taking it. He says Calvin is going to give it to him. They'll both be much happier that way. After Moe leaves, Calvin says "How touching".

Calvin goes back to get his toy truck. He tells Moe it's not his. Moe says that it is because Calvin gave it to him. Calvin replies that he didn't have much of a choice. It was either give up the truck or get punched. He explains he only gave it to Moe because Moe is bigger and meaner than he. Moe says "So". Calvin declares that the forensic marvel has reduced his logic to shambles. Moe cocks his fist and wonders if Calvin is changing his mind about getting punched.

Calvin walks up to Moe and demands his truck back. Calvin says it's his favorite truck, and Moe had no right to take it. Calvin tells him to give it back now. Moe offers to fight Calvin for it. Calvin bets his autopsy reveals that his mouth is too big.

Calvin won't fight Moe. He tells Moe that if he won't give the truck back, he can have it. He tells Moe he'll have to live with himself. Calvin can't make him do what's right. Calvin sits on the swing. Another kid comes up behind Calvin and tells him that if he's not going to swing, get off and let someone else on.

The muck monsters of Mordo are closing in on Spaceman Spiff. They fire at them, but just miss. He tries to fly through the rings of the planet below. The monsters veer off, afraid to follow Spiff. Swerving left, right, up, and down, Spiff pilots around each hurling missile. POW! Our hero's going down. Moe has hit Calvin with a ball. Calvin, lying against a wall, says he hates playing "dodge ball" in gym class.

Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin asks why he should give him his money. Moe replies it's for the "Let Calvin Live Through Recess Fund". Calvin digs into his pocket and says that sounds like a worthy cause. After Moe leaves, Calvin says Moe's motto is "Give Before It Hurts".

Moe hassles Calvin about being a sissy for not signing up for baseball. Moe says Calvin would rather play with dolls on the playground. Calvin says he wasn't playing with dolls. Moe wants to see Calvin's Barbie doll. Calvin says he's not a wimp and was on his way to the office to sign up for baseball right now. Standing outside the office door, Calvin wonders why, if he's not a wimp, he's taking the path of least resistance.

Calvin dreams he is flying when his alarm clock goes off. Mom has Calvin get out of bed. He stands in the rain waiting for the school bus. He's bored at school while a duck quacks outside. He doesn't like his lunch. Moe extorts money from him. He gets an "F" on a paper. He walks home in the rain. Hobbes pounces on him and hugs him. Mom, picking up his wet clothes, asks if Calvin had a good day. Calvin, carrying Hobbes, says it's getting better.

Spaceman Spiff explores a new planet. The only sign of life is a strange lichen growing on the rocks. Spiff bends down for a better look. It's not lichen. It's tiny trees on tiny farmland. Looking ahead, Spiff sees a city, with skyscrapers an inch high. The planet is inhabited. Our hero reflects that human scale is by no means the standard for life forms. To drive the point home, a blimp-sized monster appears over the hillside. Calvin has been playing with ants. Moe is making fun of Calvin by yelling to one of his friends. Calvin, slowly reaching for a rock, says Spaceman Spiff reaches for his stun blaster.

Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing or he'll punch his lights out. Calvin does, and Moe calls him a sissy. Calvin fumes. He says years from now, when he's successful and happy, and Moe's in prison, he hopes he's not too mature to gloat.

Moe tells Calvin to give him the ball, or he'll punch Calvin's face in. When Calvin does, Moe tells him that was a smart move, sissy boy. Calvin walks off and says we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to find a cure for jerks.

Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to wait his turn. Moe punches Calvin. Calvin, lying on the ground, says it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Moe shoves Calvin down, calling him a wimp. Calvin shakes his fist at Moe and says "Oh yeah". He brushes himself off. Calvin says what really bugs him is knowing he'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.

Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin refuses to budge, saying a person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one. Moe pushes Calvin down and steps on him. Calvin says he has to stop reading those dumb advice columns.

Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin says this is Moe's clumsy way of coping with the fact Calvin's a genius, and Moe is struggling with the concept of walking erect. Moe punches Calvin. Lying on the floor, Calvin says the truth will set your teeth free.

Moe threatens to pound Calvin in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin yells he'd like to see him try it. He covers his mouth. He says his brain wishes his ego had call-waiting.

Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin says Moe will have to catch him first. Calvin's angry. He says when your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt.

Calvin tells Moe to let go of him. He asks Moe why he doesn't pick on somebody his own size. As he readies a punch, Moe says they'd hit back. As Calvin lies on the ground, he guesses that has a certain unethical logic to it.

Calvin has a whistle he'll demonstrate for show and tell. It's going to be amazing. He blows the whistle. One of the students asks what's so amazing about it. It sounds like an ordinary whistle to him. Calvin says it can only be heard by ugly cretins.

Moe tells Calvin he's dead at recess. Calvin says Moe must have serious personal problems if this is how he relates to people. Moe punches Calvin. On the floor, Calvin says Moe may be just a world-class poop head.

Right before Moe hits him, Calvin tells him there is something on his back. He tells Moe his Mom must have pinned it to his shirt. Moe asks what it says. Calvin tells him that someone should run this boy over with a truck. After Calvin has been pounded to the ground, he says if he's going to get clobbered, he likes to deserve it.

As Moe readies a punch to Calvin, he says Moe has to sign a form. Moe asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's a statement acknowledging responsibility for his behavior. Calvin says hitting him entitles him to compensation of medical treatment and damages for pain and suffering. Calvin lies on the floor beaten up. He says nobody takes responsibility for his actions anymore.

Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin tells Moe to be nice to him, since his tax dollars will one day pay for Moe's prison cell. Moe punches him. Calvin says his problems is his lips move when he thinks.

Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin tells Moe his simian countenance suggests a heritage rich in species diversity. Moe wonders what that meant while Calvin gives him a quarter. Calvin walks off stating that was worth 25 cents.

Moe tells Calvin he doesn't like Calvin's face. Calvin tells him not to look at it. Moe would rather change it, and he socks Calvin. Calvin, lying against a locker, says he doesn't care about being accepted. He'd settle for being ignored.

Moe pushes Calvin to the ground. After Moe leaves, Calvin says the earth opened up. Wailing helplessly, Moe tumbled down the smoking chasm until splashing into the planet's molten magma core, slowly melting before igniting in a spitting fireball of grease. Dejectedly, Calvin walks off.

Calvin puts on his lucky rocketship underpants, admires himself in the mirror, and marches off, ready to face the school day. He sits in gum. He's caught peeking at a classmate's paper. Moe knocks him into the lockers. The water fountain sprays his face. His show and tell goes badly. No one wants him on their team at recess. He doesn't know what the lunch is. He can't get on the swing. Everyone in class knows the answer except him. He stares out the window at the sunny day. He misses the bus home. Calvin walks home in the rain. In bed, he looks out the window and says that some days even lucky rocketship underpants don't help. Hobbes says he's done all he could do.

The big, stupid ultrasaur takes a long drink. The allosaur is thirsty, too. This means confrontation. The ultrasaur turns around to glower at the allosaur. Calvin is standing behind Moe at the drinking fountain. Calvin says that fortunately, this allosaur is the patient type.

Calvin walks behind Moe. Calvin drags his knuckles, then scratches himself like an ape. Moe turns around and sees him. Pounded, Calvin says in humor, timing is everything.

Mom tosses Calvin out the door to catch the school bus. Miss Wormwood is frustrated with his paper. Moe steals the ball from him. Calvin can't figure out the math problem in front of the class. Calvin drags mud in on his shoes, and Mom yells at him. Finally, Calvin goes outside to play. He tells Hobbes the world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.

Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin asks why. He says it's no contest. He asks what Moe gets from pounding someone completely defenseless. Moe says it's fun. Calvin says Moe is a sportsman.