Calvin asks his Mom whether he can drive the car home. Mom replies no. Calvin wonders if he could steer the car. Mom replies no. Calvin asks whether he can work the gas and brakes. Again, Mom says no. Calvin replies his Mom never lets him do anything.

Calvin says dinner smells like bat barf. Dad sends him to his room. Mom thinks that might be a bit harsh, but Dad holds firm. Dad says Calvin needs to learn manners. He also says Calvin won't starve. Calvin and Hobbes are seen on the telephone ordering extra pepperoni.

Mom thinks Hobbes is getting dirty. Mom suggests that Calvin and Hobbes both take a bath. Calvin excitedly starts undressing before Mom clarifies that his bath is upstairs. Calvin is jealous of Hobbes, who is in the washing machine but thinks Calvin would not enjoy it.

Calvin is placed into the tub for a bath. He can't believe his parents would do that to him. Suddenly, a suds monster rises from the tub and attacks Calvin. As the battle goes on, Mom yells up to Calvin to quiet down. Calvin gets the best of the suds monster and sends the fiend to his death. As Mom comments to Dad about Calvin letting the water out already, Calvin walks by naked and tells her to believe it.

Calvin asks if he can set fire to his mattress. Mom replies no. He then asks if he can ride his tricycle on the roof. Mom replies no. Calvin then asks for a cookie. Again, Mom replies no. Calvin realizes she's onto him.

Mom is carrying Calvin to bed. Calvin warns that Hobbes will messily devour anyone bringing him to bed before 9:00. Mom shows that Hobbes is in the washing machine. In bed, Calvin complains that was a fine time for Hobbes to take a bath.

Mom asks whether Calvin is bringing Hobbes to school again. She asks whether the kids make fun of him for doing that. Calvin replies that Tommy Chesnutt did, but no one did anymore. Mom asks what happened to Tommy. Calvin replies that Hobbes ate him. Hobbes comments that Tommy needed a bath.

Calvin is digging trenches in the yard, then building dirt berms. Mom comes out yelling at Calvin about what he's doing to the yard. Calvin replies he's making speed bumps.

Calvin notices there isn't a stocking over the fireplace for Hobbes. Calvin asks where Santa will put Hobbes' loot if there is no stocking. Mom assures Calvin she'll make a stocking for Hobbes. Mom looks over at Dad and asks about Hobbes' loot. Dad says not to look at him, he's done shopping.

Calvin is hammering nails into a table. Mom runs out yelling, asking Calvin what he's doing. Calvin looks at the nails in the table and asks whether that's a trick question or something.

Calvin is sitting at the table with a bowl of oatmeal. Mom tells Calvin to eat the oatmeal, not play with it. The oatmeal jumps out of its bowl and bounces around the table. Calvin stabs at it while yelling "death to oatmeal". He chases the vile glop around. Mom comes to the kitchen and sees the mess. Mom then yells at Dad. She says it's Dad's fault they didn't have a sweet girl. It's his chromosome that was the problem. Dad watches Mom go off, sits back into his chair and says he just lives there.

Calvin is at the dinner table and refuses to eat the green stuff. Dad replies that it's toxic waste that will turn him into a mutant if he eats it. Calvin devours the meal. Mom says there has to be a better way to get him to eat.

Calvin is home from school. As he enters his bedroom, Hobbes attacks him. They tussle, and Mom is forced to yell for Calvin to quit crashing around. Calvin tries to explain that he was fighting for his very survival against Hobbes' attack. Mom is more concerned with having to sew Hobbes up again, so she asks Calvin to do something quiet upstairs. Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom always takes his side. Hobbes taunts Calvin by sticking his tongue out and saying that Mom wanted another tiger, not him.

Calvin asks Mom if he can remove his floorboards and build a secret passageway. Mom says not to be ridiculous, and that he'd come through the kitchen ceiling if he tried it. Calvin walks up to his room and asks Hobbes how quietly he thinks they can nail the boards back in.

Mom yells up the stairs for Calvin to get up. She goes to his bedroom door, tells Calvin it's nearly 7:30 and asks if he's ready. Calvin replies he's coming. There sits Hobbes with Calvin's shirt and cap on. Hobbes tells Calvin that he knew it wouldn't work. Calvin believes it didn't work because Hobbes didn't put on Calvin's pants.

Calvin comes in the door and yells a question about when lunch is to his Mom. She's busy in the kitchen. Calvin yells that he's hungry and wants to eat now. Calvin receives a map to the refrigerator.

Spaceman Spiff is going down. He fights to control his damaged spacecraft. Spiff careens through the alien canyon but ejects right before impact. Mom asks whether he's done running through the house or if he is going to fall down the steps again. Calvin thinks Spiff has regained consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.

The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His presence terrorizes the community. His tentacle grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the air. Mom looks down at Calvin on the floor and asks if he wants something.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have some money to go to the movies with Hobbes. The movie title is "The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High". Not surprisingly, Mom declines and informs Calvin there are much better ways he can spend his afternoon. As he goes back to his bedroom, Hobbes asks what Mom had said. Calvin states that she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.

Calvin is taking a bath. He worries he might drown with no one there to rescue him, so he brings Hobbes into the tub. Hobbes disguises himself with bubbles, then Calvin gets one of Dad's hats for Hobbes to wear. As Calvin goes off to get a tie to add to the disguise, Hobbes tells him to hurry because Mom is coming. As Calvin walks naked behind Dad, who's reading a book, we hear Mom yelling at Dad for taking a bath in his best hat.

Mom wakes Calvin for school. Calvin says he's not going to school anymore. Mom replies that he has to, because it's the law. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't have to go to school. Mom tells him it's because he's a tiger. Calvin asks Hobbes what being a tiger has to do with it, and Hobbes replies that tigers wreck the grade curve.

Mom is sitting at the table when Calvin walks by dressed in his coat and hat. Puzzled, Mom goes upstairs and opens the bedroom door. There, she finds Calvin has opened the window letting snow into the room. Calvin is working on a snowman. Mom just covers her face.

Calvin asks Mom if she will drive him to town. Mom wonders why she should drive him. She states that it's a perfect day and asks what he thinks feet are for. Calvin replies that feet are for working the gas pedal.

Calvin returns from school and tells Mom he's home. He asks Mom if she fed Hobbes today. Mom rolls her eyes and says it must have slipped her mind. Calvin tells her she should just douse him with steak sauce before he goes into his room.

In the middle of the night, Mom and Dad awake to Calvin yelling for Mom. He yells that he's thirsty. Mom dutifully stumbles off to take care of things. She gives Calvin a cup, to which he questions if this is just water.

As Mom is driving Calvin home, the car breaks down. Mom starts yelling at the car, and Calvin encourages her to go ahead and swear. Mom gets out of the car to look under the hood. Calvin suggests she kick the car, because that works on TV. Calvin notices all the cars going by on the road and worries no one will stop. Hobbes suggests they honk the horn. They do, as Mom holds her ears in pain. Calvin and Hobbes cheer as someone stops. The man asks whether Mom wants a tow truck. Mom replies that he should call the police and report an infanticide.

Calvin says he wants to be a radical terrorist when he grows up, Mom just mumbles. Calvin then says he's going to inhale a can of pesticide, Mom just mumbles. Calvin says he's going to watch TV all night, Mom replies "That's what you think, Buster!" Calvin notes that you can never tell if they're listening or not.

Mom hangs up the phone and says she can't find a baby-sitter anywhere. Dad suggests that since they will only be gone a couple hours, they can leave Calvin unsupervised. They both break out laughing. As both of them wipe tears of laughter away, they ask seriously, what they should do.

Mom tells Calvin they'll be out a couple hours and to be good and watch TV. Calvin and Hobbes rejoice at the news and head to the telephone to call Videorama to rent a VCR and some movies. Hobbes wants Calvin to ask for "Attack of the Coed Cannibals".

Mom and Dad come home and note the house is still standing. They figure Calvin has gone to bed. Since his light is still on, Mom enters the bedroom. A bucket of water falls down on her head. She wants to know if Calvin watched a scary movie. Huddled under his covers, he says no. But he adds that Mom shouldn't come in because the rug is rigged, also.

Calvin wants a grenade launcher. He wonders when Christmas is. How about his birthday? Both too far away. He asks about his allowance, which he's already spent. He wonders if he has any stocks or war bonds he could sell. Mom yells that she's trying to work. Calvin asks if he can have some soap. Mom tells him to take all he wants. Calvin then sits at a table set up next to the family car which is marked, with soap on the windshield, "4 Sale Cheep".

Calvin sits in the barber's chair for a haircut. Calvin orders the top shaved, the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes. Mom tells the barber to give Calvin the usual. Calvin comments the barber knows which side his bread is buttered on.

Calvin asks to be dismissed from the dinner table. Mom wants him to finish his salmon. Calvin wants to bring the supper to his room while he studies, and Mom consents. Calvin happily gives Hobbes the salmon and asks how the homework is coming. Hobbes is having a bit of a problem with a subtraction problem, so he answers "Atlanta, Georgia".

Mom pokes her head into Calvin's room and tells him to rise and shine. As Calvin grumbles, she says the early bird gets the worm. Calvin doesn't think that's much of an incentive.

Calvin is in the doctor's office getting his arm swabbed. He asks if the doctor is going to put a leech on it, if he's being bled, or going to amputate. As Mom is reading a magazine, Calvin yells that the shot went through his arm. He yells that he's dying and hopes the doctor's malpractice insurance is paid up. Calvin calls him a quack and yells for his Mom, as she buries her face into the magazine.

Calvin, as Safari Al, hacks through the jungle. A giant gorilla rips through the foliage and grabs Safari Al. The gorilla says "Clean your room". Calvin, in his room, looks at Mom who tells him again to clean his room because it's a jungle in there.

Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night looking for UFO's. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep watching the moon since aliens like to sneak up from behind it. Mom comes up behind them and yells for Calvin to get back into bed. Calvin says that mothers, on the other hand, sneak up behind the pachysandra patch.

Calvin, lying in bed, tells Mom he doesn't think he'll go to school today. Mom replies that she does think he'll go. Calvin reiterates that he doesn't think he'll go. Calvin, standing at the bus stop, says "Rats".

Mom notices Hobbes has a torn seam and gets the sewing kit to repair him. Hobbes says it's just a little cut, and that no surgery is required. Calvin tells Hobbes he's just getting a couple stitches and wonders what the big deal is. Hobbes informs him that Mom doesn't use any anesthetic.

Calvin, in a paper hat and standing in his treehouse, declares as dictator that he is the sole voice of government. He'll tolerate no dissent. He alone will decide the good. As he keeps proclaiming, Mom comes up and tells him it's time for bed. As she carries him to the house, he asks whether they can vote on it.

Calvin has a cough, so Mom heads off to get cough medicine. Calvin tells he it was Hobbes coughing. Hobbes says it was not, but Calvin tells him the cough syrup tastes awful. Hobbes refuses to take the medicine. Mom comes into the room and gives it to Calvin as he loudly protests that Hobbes was coughing. Calvin gags on the medicine. He then tries to convince Hobbes it tastes real good and to try some. Hobbes isn't buying that story.

Hobbes is sitting in the wagon at the top of the hill. Calvin is standing in skates with an umbrella in his hand. He asks if Calvin thinks this will work. Calvin is sure. Down the hill they go, racing around trees, crashing over bumps, until finally they fly off the end of the pier into the lake. Calvin yells that he's flying. In the water, Hobbes asks how it was. Calvin thinks it is great, and that they should get some other kids and charge them for the ride.

The tyrannosaurus lumbers across the valley. He's three stories call with six-inch teeth. He comes upon a tribe of cavemen trying to flee. He devours them one by one. Calvin is roaring as he drops popcorn into his mouth. Mom yells at him to eat quietly.

Calvin asks to watch the "Killer Prom Queen" on TV. Mom says no. Calvin asks if he has to eat the slimy asparagus. Mom says yes. Calvin asks if he can stay up until midnight. Mom says no. Calvin decides there is an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.

Mom tells Calvin they're going to the store. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes, but Mom tells him to leave Hobbes at home. Calvin yells that he wants Hobbes to come with them. We see Calvin carrying Hobbes out the door saying if you can't win with reason, go for volume.

Everyone is going out to dinner. Calvin is taking a bath, while Hobbes uses Dad's cologne, wears a tie and sport coat, looking like something out of "GQ". As they're sitting at the restaurant, with Hobbes in a chair of his own, Dad is wondering how he got talked into this. Calvin is asking the waitress for the wine list.

Mom and Dad are talking about the $200 contractor bill. Mom offers that it's all part of raising a child. She then asks Dad if he's sorry they had Calvin. He asks her the same thing. Mom won't answer since she asked first. She suggests it wasn't all her decision. Dad counters with his remembering his original offer to buy a dachshund, but she didn't want that.

Calvin, still a human insect, takes ten minutes to walk across the book's page. He slowly lifts the gigantic page. He then has a ten minute walk back across the turned page. Dad comments Calvin has been quiet for twenty minutes. Mom reminds him Calvin is doing his homework.

Rosalyn, the baby sitter, comes to the door. Mom thanks her for coming on such short notice. She mentions they've had a difficult time finding a sitter. Mom has the notion Calvin has gotten a reputation. Rosalyn asks for half her money up front as Mom goes for her purse.

Mom thanks Rosalyn for baby-sitting. Rosalyn says Calvin was no trouble. Dad offers to drive Rosalyn home. They say their good nights. As Dad drives home, Calvin pops out of the back seat asking if she's gone.

The baby sitter arrives as Mom and Dad are going out. Calvin declares that she isn't his Mom, so he doesn't have to pay attention to her. Calvin will do whatever he wants to, so he tells her to stay out of the way. The baby sitter shows Calvin a list of emergency phone numbers that was left. She warns him about him not wanting her to call any of those numbers. Calvin says it's 6:30, so he'll turn in. The baby sitter says for eight bucks a night, she doesn't put up with much.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have a cigarette. She gives him one of grandfather's that were left there. She tells him to smoke it outside. Calvin thinks Mom is pretty cool sometimes. He lights it up, takes a puff, and starts hacking. Hobbes thinks smoking would be an easy habit to break. Mom comes out and asks if Calvin learned a lesson today. Calvin says yes, that trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.

Calvin runs into the house and yells to Mom that a big dog knocked him down and stole Hobbes. He holds her leg while saying he tried to catch him but couldn't. He's lost his best friend. Mom tells him that if he didn't carry Hobbes around everywhere, things like that wouldn't happen. Calvin says there isn't any problem you can't add guilt to and make it worse.

Calvin writes out a flyer saying Hobbes is lost. Mom suggests he describe Hobbes. Calvin writes that he's quiet, somewhat peculiar, a good companion in a weird way. Mom tells him that she meant to write what he looks like.

Calvin complains about the smell of dinner cooking. Mom tells him she's stewing some monkey heads, and they'll be soggy enough to eat in twenty minutes. Calvin ponders whether or not they're really monkey heads. He decides to try them. At the dinner table, Calvin is overjoyed to be eating. He wonders if he has some brains or nose on his plate. He didn't think they'd be so rubbery. Dad thought these were stuffed peppers. He refuses to eat dinner as Mom covers her face with her hand.

Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes have formed a lobby and want more privileges. Mom wonders what he's referring to, as he has it made. He has no responsibilities, no cares, no worries. What else could he want? As they walk away, Hobbes asks why he didn't ask about the credit cards in their names. Calvin dismisses it by saying Mom was in one of her moods.

Calvin is taking a bath and complains the water is too cold. After an adjustment, the water is too hot. After another adjustment, the water is too cold again. One more adjustment, but now it's too deep.

The fearsome shark senses distress in the water above. He circles in closer to the victim. Calvin rises up from the tub, teeth snapping, splashing water all over Mom. She comments that for someone who hates baths, he's not making things go any faster.

Calvin comes into his parents' bedroom wishing Dad a Happy Father's Day. Calvin tells him that today, he will live by Dad's principles of fatherly wisdom. Unfortunately, it's five o'clock in the morning. Calvin reminds Dad about early to bed, early to rise. Calvin tells Dad he would have bought him a present, but a penny saved is a penny earned. Since Calvin is getting interest on the money he isn't spending, Calvin is a happier, better person from Dad's teachings. Mom grumbles "Good work, Socrates" to Dad. Dad comments that he knew they made a mistake when he saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital bassinet.

Calvin and Hobbes are running through the house as Mom yells for them to stop it. Suddenly, there are sounds of crashing. Mom asks Calvin what she had just told him. Calvin replies that it beats him, wasn't she listening either?

Hobbes places the end of the toilet paper roll into the toilet, and Calvin tells him to flush it. As they flush it, toilet paper unrolls into the drain. Calvin and Hobbes heartily laugh. They decide to do it again. Downstairs, Mom tells Dad she doesn't want to know what Calvin's doing. Dad says he doesn't either, so off they go to check.

Calvin stands naked in the toilet. He flushes and spins around. He hops out, walks by Mom, informs her he's done with his bath. She believes that was a little too quick.

Dad is trying to concentrate on his driving. There's lots of traffic around. Calvin and Hobbes start making faces at each other, trying to get each other to laugh. As they're laughing, Dad turns around and yells at them that he told them to be quiet. Calvin says that they were having a weird face contest, but that fit's over. Dad won.

The family has gone to the beach for a getaway. Calvin and Hobbes run across the sand. They yelp with pain from the hot sand. Finally, they reach the water and jump in. And right out they come, yelping with pain from the cold of the water. Then, they again yelp with pain from the hot sand as they return to the car. As Dad points to Calvin and Hobbes sitting in the car, Dad tells Mom they haven't driven an hour and a half for this.

From the back seat of the car, Calvin asks Mom and Dad when they'll be at the vacation spot. Calvin is told it's an eight-hour drive and they haven't left the state yet. They tell him to relax. Calvin looks out the window. He asks how much longer now. Mom and Dad both say "I told you we should have flown".

Still on their trip, Dad points out there is a restaurant coming up. He asks if anyone wants to stop. Calvin replies "only if they have hamburgers". Dad rails about how all they've eaten on the trip are hamburgers. He wants to eat something else for once. Calvin breaks out into singing "ten million bottles of beer on the wall". Dad gives up and tells Calvin they're stopping at a hamburger joint.

Calvin tells Dad he needs to go to the bathroom. Dad mentions they've just left the restaurant. He wants Calvin to think of something else. Calvin can only think of Niagara Falls, Hoover Dam, Noah's Ark. Suddenly, Mom decides she needs to go, as well. As Dad sits in the car at the gas station, he thinks he'll take a vacation by himself next year.

They finally arrive. Dad is rehashing the excruciating trip. Eight hours with a hyperactive six-year-old. At their lakeside campground, Dad says Calvin can run around and scream all he wants. Calvin promptly tells Dad that he's bored. Dad puts his arm around Calvin and offers to show Calvin how an anchor works.

Dad gets up in the morning to greet the sunrise. He's happy to have an early swim and a morning on the boat. By 9:00, he's back with the fish he's caught for breakfast. As he comes to the table with his cooked fish, Mom is huddled over a cup of coffee. She tells him to eat his dead animals, she wants coffee. Calvin wonders why there isn't any TV in the camp.

Calvin catches a fish and proudly shows Dad. Dad comments on what a big fish it is, and that he'll show Calvin how to clean it so they can have it for dinner. Calvin has never heard of cleaning fish, so Dad explains that you cut off its head and gut it. At the dinner table, Calvin is helping himself to another cheese sandwich. He happily comments on their being no bones in them.

Calvin and Hobbes are having a squirt gun fight in the house. They chase after one another and wrestle throughout the house. Finally, Mom tells them that if they're going to tear around do it outside. Calvin and Hobbes sit on the step, looking out into the yard.

Calvin has mutated into a giant fly. He flies around looking for decaying flesh. He follows the unbearable stench in the air. In the kitchen, Mom tells Calvin not to be gross and to take out the trash.

Calvin drinks a magic elixir and starts to grow. He gets bigger and bigger. The giant goes on a rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace. There's panic in the streets, a town lies in ruins. Mom tells Calvin she will not buy him more toy cars, she saw him deliberately stomping on the ones he already has.

Mom calls for Calvin to come to his swimming lessons. Calvin yells that he doesn't want swimming lessons. He asks whether Hobbes is signed up. Mom tells him it's not too good to get tigers wet. Calvin asks Hobbes why that is. Hobbes replies it takes all day to dry and until then, they smell funny.

Calvin gets into the car, complaining to Mom about the forty minutes of terror. He wonders why he can't have hang gliding or sharpshooting lessons, maybe driving lessons. Mom tells him he starts piano lessons Tuesday. Calvin yells.

Calvin the fly buzzes along looking for dead meat. He darts this way and that, but he flies into a spider web. The fly tries to escape the web, but it's no use. Soon, his innards will be sucked out by the spider. Hobbes is standing next to Calvin, who's tangled up in the hammock. Hobbes tells Calvin he was going to join him, but he thinks he'll forget it.

Calvin asks Mom whether he and Hobbes can go play in the rain. Mom says no, he'll get soaked. Calvin asks what's so bad about that. Mom explains about catching pneumonia, running up a big hospital bill, and dying. Up in their room looking out at the rain, Calvin says he forgot that when he asks Mom something, he always gets a worst-case scenario. Hobbes mentions he didn't know those little showers were so dangerous.

Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. Mom tells him salmon. Calvin makes a face with his tongue stuck out. Mom tells him that one day his face will freeze like that. Calvin gets an evil grin and thinks "Wow!".

Mom calls Calvin to dinner. Calvin replies that he's watching television. Mom says he's not. Calvin disagrees and says he's right there in front of it. Mom yells "NO you're NOT". Calvin scampers off remembering that he is at the table.

Calvin wants to ride in the grocery cart. Mom tells him he's too old for that. Calvin begs, so she puts him in. Calvin then tells her to run down the aisle and let go.

Calvin drinks an elixir that makes him invisible. He walks out of the house, undetected. Mom calls for Calvin. She says whenever you want something done around there, the kid's nowhere to be seen.

Since Calvin is invisible, he takes his clothes off to perpetrate any crime. He can get away with anything. Mom wonders just what he's doing in the cookie jar without his clothes on.

Calvin finds he's immune to the laws of gravity. He tries to hold on, but he loses his grip. Up into the sky he falls. Higher and higher he goes, until he grasps the tailfin of a passing jet. Dad wants him to continue with his story after he lands in Phoenix. Mom says she will not sew velcro on the outside of all Calvin's clothes.

Calvin heads out the door of his house. He tells Mom that he's going to the drugstore to eat candy and read comic books all afternoon. Mom grabs him and says he isn't going. When asked why not, Mom tells him that she's his mother and she said so. She then has to yell to Calvin to quit goose-stepping around the house.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for pizza. Mom tells him they had pizza last night, and that it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Calvin asks if she'd rather spend the night cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks. As they sit in the pizza restaurant, Dad notices they seem to go out for pizza a lot these days. Mom comments that he's welcome to make a dish of cereal at home, if he'd prefer.

Calvin and Hobbes are in the car, pretending to drive. Calvin races along the residential streets at 90 mph. Hobbes flips on a turn signal. Calvin makes school kids dive for safety. Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after Calvin, so he downshifts. Hobbes blows the horn. Mom comes back with groceries in hand asking if she can run an errand without Calvin honking the horn across the parking lot. Calvin pleads that it wasn't him blowing the horn.

Mom tells Calvin she doesn't want him up in the tree. Calvin, sitting on a branch with Hobbes, asks why not. She explains some of the branches are dead and might break. As Calvin climbs down, he comments that Mom spoils everything. As they sit on top of a ladder, Hobbes comments that it just isn't the same.

A frog is sitting on the ground. It puffs its throat up and croaks. As Calvin puffs his cheeks, Mom yells to Calvin to drink his milk in little sips.

Calvin tells Mom he's going to grow a long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. Mom says to go ahead. As Calvin looks into the mirror, he says he thought Mom would have put up more of a fuss.

At the department store, Calvin asks Mom if he can get a particular pair of pants. Mom looks at it and says they're too expensive. She says he'll grow right out of them, too. She wonders why any kid needs designer clothes. Calvin replies, "Babes". Calvin has to look cool.

Mom decides to call the school to stop Moe's extortion. Calvin tells her not to, that he'll be a goner if Moe finds out he squealed. Mom is firm that Moe can't get away with stealing, something needs to be done. Calvin gives Mom a list of what he's wearing and tells her he'll see her at the morgue.

The family is walking home from getting ice cream. Calvin wants Hobbes to pull him in the wagon. Hobbes refuses, since he didn't get any ice cream. Calvin complains that tigers don't like ice cream. Hobbes still refuses to pull the wagon. Calvin calls Hobbes fuzz brain and he, too, refuses to pull the wagon. They both sit there. Dad laments their walks always become rides. Mom tells him he needs the exercise anyway.

Calvin, the human insect, advances the paper in the typewriter. For proper medical treatment, he needs to type a legible message to his family. He jumps from key to key. Mom wonders who typed "Help, I'm a bug" on her note to Grandma.

Calvin is in the bathtub. He goes back and forth, back and forth. He creates a tidal wave. When Mom comes in to see the flood covered with water, Calvin offers the idea that the seal around the tub leaks.

The tyrannosaurus lumbers through the valley. He's a walking death machine. Only one other creature dares challenge him, the saber-toothed tiger. Hobbes is peacefully sleeping. He rolls from side-to-side while Calvin awaits with mouth open. Finally, Calvin yells for Hobbes to wake up. The meek tyrannosaurus, victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the valley.

Mom and Calvin are looking at a broken dish on the kitchen floor. Mom asks how the dish got broken. Calvin replies that he tried to carry too much, and it dropped. Mom tells him he has no common sense. Calvin disagrees by saying he's got plenty of common sense, he just chose to ignore it.

Calvin jumps in a pile of leaves and tells Hobbes to join him. Hobbes isn't so sure, as he thinks slugs hide under leaves. Calvin is sitting in the pile of leaves. Hobbes continues explaining that the slimy muckballs might be slipping up his pant leg. He figures there might be dozens of them in the leaf pile. Calvin jumps out, thrashing around to knock any slugs off of himself. Calvin comments that's the problem with nature. There's always something stinging you or oozing mucous on you. He's going to watch TV. Hobbes reminds him that at 3:00, he can watch "The Blob".

Calvin yells that he can't find his jacket in the closet. Mom yells back that the jacket is on the floor where Calvin had left it. Calvin asks why Mom didn't put it away. Mom gives Calvin a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation.

Calvin shows Mom he put his clothing for tomorrow on the staircase. In the morning, he plans to run out in his underwear, slide down the stairs, and be fully dressed when he reaches the bottom. He tells Mom that if she puts his cereal on the stairs, he won't have to get up until 30 seconds till the bus comes.

Calvin comes out with foam coming from his mouth. He tells Mom he has rabies. She tells him to spit out his toothpaste and to stop being silly. As Calvin walks off, he wonders if Dad will fall for it if Calvin bites him first.

Calvin is taking a bath, playing with a paper ship. He pretends it's an aircraft carrier. He states the ship is virtually unsinkable. Hobbes knows what can sink it, a cannonball depth charge. He jumps into the tub and PFOOM! Calvin, and all the water in the tub, flies out onto the floor. Calvin tells Hobbes to refill the tub so they can do it again. Dad notices the waterfall coming down the stairs. He says he's going upstairs to see what her son is up to.

Calvin brings breakfast to Mom, who is lying in bed. He's made eggs, toast and juice. He goes on to say the eggs kind of burned, but that Mom could chip them out with a chisel. When Mom asks about the toast and coffee, Calvin offers that Dad told him not to tell Mom about it until she was feeling better.

Calvin asks Mom if she wants him to read her a story, since she reads stories to him when he's sick. Mom says she just wants to rest. Calvin sits on the edge of the bed and says "It's hard to be a mom for a mom". Mom sits up and gives Calvin a hug. She says he does fine. Calvin wants to know if she's contagious.

Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the house. They're shooting at each other, running down the stairs, shooting around doors and over furniture. They're yelling the entire time. Mom yells to Calvin to stop tearing around the house. They're driving her crazy. Calvin tells her that she told him he couldn't play outside because it was raining. Calvin and Hobbes are outside, standing under an umbrella. Calvin says that sure worked. Hobbes wonders just how long it is until they can go back inside.

Calvin comes home and tells Mom he got a part in the class play. He gets to say a line. Mom tells him that's wonderful. Calvin believes this is a great dramatic role, and he'll have people in tears by the second act. The play is "Nutrition and the Four Food Groups". Calvin will be an onion.

Calvin asks Mom how his onion costume is coming. Mom is still working on it, and she wishes the class would do something less elaborate. Calvin says to be glad he's not Russy White, who has to be an amino acid. Calvin puts the costume on. He thinks it's "Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer".

Calvin wants to know if Dad is coming to the play. Dad says he'll probably be at work. Calvin tells him it will be great drama. Dad asks Calvin to read his line now. Calvin starts, then forgets. He starts again, then forgets. Dad figures with 25 kids in food suits forgetting their lines, he'll definitely be at work.

Calvin comes home, and Mom asks how the play went. Calvin tells her he got stuck in his zipper, they had to stop the play, and the janitor had to find him and get him out. Mom says that was terrible. Calvin says the play was ruined, but he remembered his line.

Calvin asks how they know the load limits on bridges. Dad tells him they keep driving bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. He tells Calvin they then weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Mom tells Dad that if he doesn't know the answer, he should just tell him.

Mom tells Calvin she and Dad are going out tomorrow. He'll have a baby sitter. Calvin asks for it not to be Rosalyn. Mom informs him that she called eight people, and Rosalyn is the only one who will do it. Calvin wants her to call more. Mom says she's been calling for an hour already. She says Rosalyn is fine. Calvin says Rosalyn is a barracuda in a high school senior suit. Mom asks Calvin if he remembers Amy. She just laughed when Mom called her.

Mom leaves and says good-bye to Rosalyn. Rosalyn calls up the stairs to Calvin to see if he's up there. Two suction darts come flying down at Rosalyn. She charges up the stairs, rolling up her sleeves. She tells Calvin it's "Bedtime for Bonzo". Calvin complains that it's only six o'clock.

Mom calls Rosalyn to tell her they are going to be later than planned. Rosalyn tells her Calvin went to be early, and she's just holding down the fort. In the background, Calvin yells out. He wants to know if that's Mom. He wants to talk with her. He yells for her to come home before it's too late. Rosalyn tells Mom it's just the TV and to enjoy the play.

Mom and Dad come home. Mom asks if Rosalyn got Calvin to bed. She replies yes, but. Calvin yells down the stairs asking if that was Mom and Dad, did they get rid of the baby sitter, and thanking goodness they were home. Mom asks if he's been that way all night. Rosalyn says his voice gave out around 11:00, but yes. Calvin yells for them not to pay her anything. Mom tells Dad to give her a little bit extra. Dad wonders if five is enough. Rosalyn suggests eight, since college tuitions are up.

Calvin rinses his hair and forms it into a point. He walks into the kitchen, telling Mom that the earth female should not be alarmed. His planet is dying, and they need cookies to survive. He tells her not to resist or she will be destroyed. He walks off with the cookie jar. Mom chases after him.

A prehistoric monster is awakened. It makes its way to Japan and emerges. Calvin jumps up out of his bathtub water. He walks down the stairs saying he's heading for the power lines, trailing destruction. He comes up to Mom. Mom tells him to get back in the tub, he's making a mess. Calvin says it's Megalon, his arch-rival. He spits a bunch of water on Mom, saying it's a fireball. She chases him back up the stairs saying no more afternoon TV movies for him.

Calvin and Hobbes wake up Christmas morning. Calvin wants to wake Mom and Dad and go open all his loot. Hobbes thinks they should let them sleep in a little. They sit in bed, straining from the pressure. Calvin runs into their bedroom yelling to wake up, it's Christmas. They say it's a quarter to six, that he's let them sleep in this year.

Calvin notices a library book was due two days ago. He wonders if they'll interrogate him, break his knees, make him sign a confession. Mom says they'll fine him ten cents. Calvin says the way some librarians look at you, he naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.

Calvin asks if he can turn up the temperature in the house. Mom tells him that's expensive and to put on a sweater. Calvin notices the thermostat goes up to 90 degrees. He says they could be sitting around in shorts. Mom warns him to keep his hands off. Calvin says he can see his breath and will only turn it up to 75. Mom yells "I said don't touch it!" Calvin says his hands are numb, he can't move the switch. He'll go put on a sweater.

Calvin comes in from outside. He's all bundled up. Mom says he looks cold. She tells him there is a fire made up and to go warm up. He runs to the fireplace saying nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire when you've been out in the cold. He gets there and sees Hobbes lying in front of the fire. Calvin notices that some people say "why bother going outside first?".

Calvin comes into the house tracking mud behind him. Mom yells that she hopes he took his boots off before he walked across the floor. Calvin takes his boots off, leaving them on the floor. He yells back to Mom that of course he did. She doesn't have to tell him all the time.

Dad comes in the house, happy about the chilly weather. He says this weather lets you know you're alive. He calls for Mom and Calvin to come outside. He says it's a perfect day. Calvin and Mom, sitting near the fireplace, yell to Dad to "Close the dumb door". Dad goes back outside, while Calvin asks Mom just how long she knew him before they married.

Calvin asks Mom if he was adopted, and Mom says no. Calvin then asks if she's planning on Calvin working in a cannery 14 hours a day when he's seven, and Mom says no. He then asks if she's fattening him up so he can be eaten. Mom wants to know who put all those ridiculous ideas into his head. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom called them "ridiculous ideas". Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she'd really tell him.

Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. Calvin accuses Hobbes, who proclaims his innocence. Calvin calls him a liar. Hobbes replies Calvin is Mr. Tapioca Head. Calvin has been maligned. He promises not to speak to Hobbes again. They stick their tongues out at each other. Calvin mocks Hobbes walking. Hobbes returns the insult by mocking Calvin. They continue making fun of each other and making noises. Mom yells for them to come inside. Calvin laments Mom's interruption of their repartee. Hobbes is sure he had Calvin wriggling in the crushing grip of reason.

Calvin, wearing sunglasses, and Hobbes are dancing to the music. They're swinging to the beat. Mom sits up in bed and says that he's playing classical music at 78 rpm, or she's dreaming. Dad says first thing in the morning, he's calling the orphanage.

Calvin comes growling into the kitchen. Mom says there's a dinosaur in the kitchen. She asks the dinosaur to tell Calvin it's almost time for dinner. She mentions she would invite the dinosaur to eat, but that dinosaurs aren't allowed at the dinner table. Calvin growls out of the kitchen into the dining room. He thinks dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.

Mom is by the bathtub, and she yells for Calvin to come take his bath. Calvin replies he's not taking baths anymore. Mom asks how he's going to stay clean. Calvin picks up the vacuum cleaner and says "Easy".

Calvin asks Mom where Dad is. She tells him he's in the living room, making a fire. Calvin runs into the living room with a big smile on his face. He stops as he sees Dad and says "Oh. In the fireplace".

Calvin picks up a bunch of Christmas lights and goes outside. Dad asks Mom what Calvin wanted the lights for. Mom replies that Calvin didn't say. Dad figures in that case, they better check. We see the lights have been placed on the roof of the house spelling out the message "UFOs! Land here".

Calvin asks Mom where they keep all their chainsaws. Mom tells him they don't have any chainsaws. Calvin asks if they don't have any, and Mom says no. Calvin walks off wondering how he's ever going to learn to juggle.

A giant amoeba slides across the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod, the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Mom looks over as the cookies are being eaten. She pulls the blanket off Calvin, telling him "Nice try. Put them back".

Calvin asks Dad if he did a mating dance when he met Mom. Calvin explains he saw some birds do it on TV. Calvin shows how the birds looked, flapping his arms and making squawking noises. Dad says that's more or less how he reacted. Mom leans over the back of the chair Dad's sitting on and asks what he was reacting that way to.

Mom puts Hobbes in the clothes dryer. Calvin waits while the dryer runs. Finally, the bell rings and Calvin opens the dryer. Hobbes is all frizzy. Calvin tells him he's a fright. Hobbes asks for Calvin to tell his Mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.

Calvin comes down the stairs and tells Mom he cleaned his room. He tells her he did it without her having to tell him. She compliments him on being thoughtful. Calvin walks away smiling, then turns around and yells that this isn't going to be a habit or anything.

Dad is vacuuming, and Calvin asks him why it doesn't take him as long to clean as it does Mom. Dad supposes he's more efficient. Calvin suggests he doesn't do as good a job. Dad asks Mr. Critic to find something to do. Calvin picks up a big dust ball and asks if he can take it to "show and tell" tomorrow. Dad kneels next to Calvin and says this dust ball is going to be their little secret. Mom yells from the other room. She says she thought Dad had already done the room.

Calvin comes up behind Mom and tells her for the next 60 seconds, he will conduct a test of his emergency broadcast equipment. He then yells at the top of his lungs. Mom jumps up from her chair. Calvin concludes his test. He says if this had been a real emergency, he would have screamed lots more times. As he sits on his bed with a scowl on his face, Calvin tells Hobbes that when the house caves in, she'll thank him.

Mom and Calvin are playing. She tickles him, chases him through the house, then tickles him some more. Calvin is laughing and giggling. Finally, Mom suggests they stop and calm down. Mom curls up and falls asleep. Calvin tells Dad her plan backfired. He's all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.

Calvin is eating breakfast and tells Mom he needs Crisco for school. Mom hands him the Crisco and tells him he should remember these things the night before. Calvin puts a bunch in his hair. Mom can't believe he did that. She tells him he's not going to school like that. Calvin pleads with her. It's class picture day.

Calvin has upset his body's water balance. Everything solid in his body begins to dissolve. He is becoming liquid. If he could get to an icebox, he could freeze himself until he can get medical attention. But he can only run downhill. Can he make it? Calvin, sitting in the back seat of the car, doesn't think he can make it. Mom tells him there's a gas station ahead and to hold on. Dad reminds Calvin he told him not to drink so much before they left.

Calvin is at the dinner table, and he thanks the strangers for having him over for dinner. Dad tells him to knock it off. He says Calvin does not have amnesia. Calvin tries to concentrate as he says this all seems vaguely familiar. Dad says he's asking for an early bedtime. Mom says Calvin seems to remember he likes dessert, as Calvin digs in. He says his memory might return if he had some more dessert. Dad tells him to go to bed.

Calvin and Mom come back to the raccoon. Mom isn't sure they can save him. She sends Calvin for a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Calvin runs off, and Mom sits next to Hobbes. She says she doesn't think the raccoon will make it. She hates when things like this happen. She then realizes she's talking to Hobbes and says you can tell she's upset when she starts talking to him.

Mom puts the raccoon in the box. She tells Calvin all they can do is keep him warm and safe. She tells him they'll put him in the garage and out some food and water. Calvin mentions he read that raccoons will eat almost anything. He says chances are he'll be happy to donate most of his dinner. Mom tells him he doesn't even know what they're having.

Calvin pretends he's an airplane. He runs down the sidewalk and takes off. He reaches cruising altitude and serves a small, tasteless snack. His return is delayed over Washington by all the other aircraft, so he'll have to circle for about forty minutes. He's cleared for landing and comes down. Calvin comes reeling into the house. Mom says that she saw him running around in circles for almost an hour and wonders if he's trying to make himself sick. Calvin mumbles something about playing "bus" next time.

Calvin comes into the kitchen and asks Mom if she'll make him and Hobbes a tuna fish sandwich. Mom says she thought Calvin didn't like tuna fish. Calvin tells her that he does now, because he's a tiger. Mom asks if Hobbes is a tiger. Calvin says yes, and he is since he transmogrified. Mom understands. Calvin, the tiger, thinks she's bearing up well under the strain but that she'll crack soon.

Dad comes home, and Calvin asks if he notices anything different about him. Dad guesses a new haircut. Calvin asks if he went blind. Calvin says he's a tiger. Dad says he thought Calvin meant BESIDES him being a tiger. He then tells Calvin he's tired, as Mom yells from the kitchen that she hopes Dad wants tuna for dinner.

Calvin eats one too many bites of food at the dinner table and begins to swell. He gets bigger and bigger. He wonders how much larger he can get. He thinks he's going to explode. Mom tells him she's never seen anyone eat so much at one sitting. She hopes he's learned his lesson.

Calvin is sitting at his desk complaining about his homework. Suddenly, his chair takes off running around the room. It stops and ejects Calvin onto his bed, where his blanket grabs him. It whips him off into the hallway, where Calvin bounces down the stairs. He dizzily walks along. Mom asks what he's doing and where his homework is. Calvin loopily replies he couldn't concentrate.

Calvin asks Dad how people make babies. Dad tells him most people go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin is shocked that he came from Sears. Dad consoles him by telling him he actually came as a blue light special from Kmart. Almost as good and a lot cheaper. Calvin yells. Mom calls in from the other room, wondering what Dad is telling Calvin now.

Mom puts Calvin to bed and asks if he washed his face and brushed his teeth. Calvin replies that both he and Hobbes did. After Mom leaves, Calvin and Hobbes start fighting about which side of the bed each one should be on. Calvin calls Hobbes "fuzz-for-brains". Calvin hits Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes jumps up and pounces on Calvin, who ends up in Hobbes' mouth. Calvin says Hobbes wins. Calvin makes a face and says he wishes Hobbes had brushed his teeth. Hobbes makes a face and says he wishes Calvin had washed his face.

Mom yells for Calvin to get ready for bed. Calvin slowly heads for bed. He says he's trapped in slow motion. Mom tells him he better get into normal speed...NOW! Suddenly, Calvin has a time snap, and off to bed he runs.

Calvin is in the bath tub. He has too much bubble bath. It encases him in a bubble, and he floats to the ceiling. When he hits it, the bubble pops and down he goes. Mom comes into the bathroom and sees all the water on the floor. She asks how he did it. Calvin says those things just seem to happen.

Calvin ties himself up and Hobbes takes off running. Calvin is trying to fly like a kite. He crashes to the ground. Calvin thinks they need a bit more wind. Again he tries. Again he crashes. Hobbes suggests Calvin might be too heavy. Calvin wonders what he can do to make himself lighter. Mom answers a phone call from Mrs. Carroll. There is a naked kid tied to a stuffed tiger is running through her yard.

Mom is sitting at the table when Calvin asks when she'll next go to shopping. Mom isn't sure and asks why he's asking. Calvin comes out with a football helmet on and pillows wrapped in front of and behind him. He tells Mom that they seem to be out of gunpowder. Calvin is then sitting on his bed, without his helmet and pillows, complaining that he didn't even do it yet.

Mom gives Calvin his dinner plate, and Calvin thinks it looks gross. Mom says it's a vegetarian meal and is good for him. He makes a face and pushes the plate away. He says he's not a vegetarian. He says he's a dessertarian.

Calvin is in a 1940's detective outfit in his office. He's Tracer Bullet, private eye. The door opens, and in walks trouble...a brunette. Mom tells Calvin to take off his hat at the dinner table. Calvin thinks she's a pushy dame, but she has a case.

Calvin is at the museum. He transforms into a dinosaur. A tyrannosaurus is loose in the museum. Panic ensues. A guard reaches for his gun, but is messily devoured. Patrons of the arts flee for their lives. Priceless paintings are ripped to shreds, wealthy benefactors trampled, and the museum is in ruins. Dad tells Calvin they're in the other room now and to join them. Calvin has a sinister grin on his face. Dad tells Mom they better get him out of there, he has that grin again. Calvin wants to see the dinosaurs at the natural history museum. Mom tells him they spent all afternoon there.

Mom tells Calvin to remove his hat. He takes it off, and Mom shrieks that "You cut your hair!". Calvin says that he didn't, but that Hobbes did. Mom wants to know why he cut his own hair. Calvin reiterates that Hobbes cut his hair. He asks if she thinks he'd do that to himself. Mom gets an "of course I do" look on her face. Calvin then yells "Well, I didn't!"

Calvin is dirty as he walks in the door. Mom tells him to get into the tub. Calvin obeys the letter of the law, if not its spirit. Mom yells up that she wants to hear some water running. Calvin, fully clothed, crawls back out of the tub so he can put some water in it.

Mom tells Calvin that it's time for bed. Calvin replies that it's a free country, and he'll do what he wants. Mom puts him to bed and walks off. Calvin yells "Communists!".

Calvin tells Hobbes not to put the croquet wickets so far apart. Hobbes says that's the way they're supposed to be. Calvin calls him a cheater. Hobbes asks who took the lucky red ball when Hobbes wasn't looking. Calvin tells him he got to choose first. Hobbes replies that he always takes the lucky red ball. Calvin calls Hobbes a poop head and sticks his tongue out. Hobbes yells that Calvin is a potty mouth. Calvin comes at Hobbes saying he's looking at a toothless mouth. They start fighting as they continue to insult one another. Hobbes is called a walking flea condo. Hobbes tells Calvin to play in the food processor. Mom yells for them to come in, since it's getting dark. Calvin says they're right in the middle of a croquet game.

Calvin asks Mom if he can have a snack. She tells him yes. As he's walking off with the cookie jar in his arms and one in his mouth, Mom tells him he can have an apple or orange from the fridge. Calvin says they're both speaking English, but they're not speaking the same language.

Calvin has shrunk to the size of a bug to a bug. He's being chased by an enormous bug. The bug tries to step on Calvin as he runs. As he runs, he promises he'll never step on another bug if he is returned to normal size. Suddenly, the bug is gone as a giant frog eats him. Mom shrieks as a frog is put on the table. She yells for Calvin to get it off the table. Calvin replies that frogs are their friends.

Dad arrives home, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes saw him at work. He tells him they flew by his office window on a rug. Calvin continues to tell Dad that they tried to get his attention, but that he didn't look up. Dad tells Mom he thought they were cutting down on Calvin's sugar intake.

The chameleon sits motionless. The lizard changes color to blend into his surroundings. He is soon virtually invisible. Calvin peeks over the back of the sofa as Mom yells at him from the other room. She sees him hiding there and tells him to come clean the mess he left in the kitchen.

Spaceman Spiff fights the controls of his spacecraft. He crashes on an alien planet. He's marooned on a hostile planet. He sees there is no hope for food and water. A hideous alien approaches. In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster. The monster hands Spiff a sandwich and some lemonade. Mom tells him to bring the dishes in when he's done.

Calvin tells Mom that someone told him rotten eggs smell bad. Mom confirms they smell terrible. Calvin walks away. Without moving, Mom adds that Calvin should put them back.

Calvin carries his tricycle to the front door and puts it on the floor. He rides into the kitchen. He stops at the counter where Mom is standing and asks for eight cookies to go, please. Mom yells that this isn't a drive-through and to put his tricycle back in the garage.

Calvin runs into the house telling Mom aliens landed in the back yard and want to talk with her. He offers to guard the cookies while she goes out. He tells her to hurry. Mom asks Calvin how dumb he thinks she is.

Calvin asks Mom about the greenhouse effect. He explains that he's heard about the pollution trapping the sun's heat and melting the polar ice caps. He tells her that she'll be gone when it happens, but he won't. Mom says this is from the kid who wants to be chauffeured any place more than one block away. Calvin proclaims no one had told him about the ice caps before.

Mom asks Calvin why he's still in bed. Calvin replies that he doesn't feel good. Mom says his forehead seems warm and decides to take his temperature. Calvin says he can't be sick. It's summer vacation and there is no school to stay home from. This is his time. He yells that somebody owes him big for this.

As they drive home, Mom tells Calvin he was a terror at the doctor's office. Calvin says he didn't get a shot because he fended the doctor off with a tongue depressor. Mom says he didn't need a shot and that his behavior was inexcusable. Calvin is just glad that the doctor couldn't get close enough to stick him. He says the doctor thinks he's a pink pin cushion in underpants. Mom tells Calvin she hopes he has a kid one day who puts him through the same things he's putting her through. Calvin replies that Grandma says that's what she used to tell Mom.

Calvin yawns and hops out of bed. The covers reach out and grab him. They pull him back into bed. Mom comes in and tells him to get out of bed. They're going to be late. Calvin says he's trying.

Calvin is sitting in the back seat of the car. He says it's going to be a fun vacation. He can't wait to get there. There will be a whole week of fishing, swimming, hiking, and canoeing. Mom sits angrily in the front seat saying there will be a week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of coffee. Calvin asks if Mom likes camping. Dad says Mom was up a little too late last night packing.

As the family rows their canoe, Dad points out the island they'll be camping at. Dad happily tells about the fresh air, clean water and plenty of exercise. BOOM! Rain comes pouring down. Dad tells Mom that she's backpedaling. Mom says they're turning around and finding a hotel.

Calvin asks when the rain is going to let up. Mom doesn't know. Dad says to cheer up, he's brought storm gear. He talks about how great the ponchos are, what they're made of, and how they'll be protected from the rain. Calvin thinks it's great they won't get any wetter than they already are. Dad is still looking for the storm gear. He finds the duffel bag with sun tanning lotion.

Dad is standing in the rain when Calvin comes out. Dad says he's a trooper. He asks what's a little rain. Dad says at least it's not snowing. Calvin dejectedly looks at the ground while Dad says "Right?". Dad continues on to say he meant snowing so they couldn't light a fire. Calvin says he loves cold, canned ravioli.

Driving home, Dad says he's sorry the weather wasn't better that week. He knows it wasn't fun, but they lived through it, they got to spend time together, and that's really what counts. He says he hopes they're not too disappointed. Mom says any judge would take this trip as grounds for a divorce.

Calvin sneezes and flies into the stratosphere. He breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls out past the moon. As he passes out of the galaxy, he realizes the importance of covering one's mouth to defect the propulsion. That knowledge comes too late for Calvin, the human satellite. Wait, he feels another sneeze coming so he turns himself around. The second sneeze rockets him back to earth. He's safe. Mom tells Calvin "God bless you". Calvin replies "He does".

Calvin yells that he doesn't want to take a bath. He hates taking baths. He runs yelling down the hall. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he yells "no" over and over. He's finally in the tub. He says they can make him do it, but they can't make him do it with dignity.

Calvin has his dinner on the plate. He stabs it with his fork, makes funny faces at it, sniffs it, tastes it, acts like it's gagging him, takes a drink, shakes his head trying to get the taste out of his mouth. He finally says he tried it, and it almost killed him. Mom and Dad applaud, saying "Bravo" and "Encore". Calvin thinks he should run away to Alaska.

Calvin and Hobbes are lost in the woods. If Hobbes had known they'd get lost, he'd have brought a coloring book. Calvin thinks they should forage for shelter. They'll be modern Robinson Crusoes. Hobbes says they can be rugged explorers. Calvin notes they'll be free from the constraints of civilization. Hobbes looks over and notices their back yard. Mom tells Calvin she doesn't care how long he'll be gone, she's only packing one sandwich. Calvin asks if they have any rifles.

Mom is gardening when Calvin comes over and tells her he and Hobbes went time traveling to the Jurassic period today. She asks what it was like. Calvin tells her it was scary, and they almost got eaten by a dinosaur. Calvin admits they were trying to go to the future, but made a mistake. Mom is glad he made it back. Hobbes is surprised that didn't faze Mom at all. Calvin reminds him that she didn't take the frogs in the toilet.

Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes and he are seceding from the family. Calvin says they're taking his sled and moving to the Yukon. Mom says that's a long way away. Calvin knows, that's why he's got a list of supplies and sandwiches he needs from her. Mom asks why she should do any of that if he's seceding from the family. Calvin replies that he hasn't seceded yet. He wonders what kind of Mom she is.

Calvin finishes packing. They're ready to go. Hobbes asks if Calvin has a map. Calvin looks for one and asks Mom if they have a road map of the Yukon. She doubts it. Finally, Calvin and Hobbes look at a globe. They find the Yukon. Hobbes finds the United States and comments on how close they are. He figures the trip will take no time at all.

Calvin says so long to Mom. He says it's been nice living there, but not real nice. They're off to the Yukon. Calvin has his space helmet on and is dragging his sled. Calvin and Hobbes are walking along. Mom yells for Calvin. Calvin stops, saying "leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye". She walks up and tells him they're heading southeast. North is the other way. Calvin says that he knew that.

Calvin peeks his head in the door and tells Mom he changed his mind about seceding. He wants to be her kid again. Mom says he'll always be her kid, and that she's glad he's home. Calvin tells her Hobbes was being a moron, so Calvin decided he didn't want to live with him in the Yukon. Mom asks where Hobbes is. Calvin asks if he isn't home. Mom asks how Hobbes could get home on his own. Calvin decides she's right. Hobbes couldn't find his way out of an empty room.

Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. He asks where Hobbes is. Mom guesses he's wherever Calvin left him. Calvin is worried. It's night out, and Hobbes is in the woods alone. Mom scolds him about leaving his belongings. Calvin scrambles around looking for a flashlight. He's worried about finding Hobbes. Out the door he goes with flashlight on. Mom yells after him that it's bedtime, and he isn't going to pull this stunt now.

Out in the woods, Mom tells Calvin it's too late to look for Hobbes. Calvin is concerned for Hobbes' well-being. Mom tells him he should have thought of that before it got dark. Calvin replies that he thought Hobbes would come home. He didn't think he'd get lost. Mom says they'll look for Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin is sniffling as they enter their home. Calvin says he hopes Hobbes would come back. Mom tells Dad that Calvin is upset. Dad bets so. Mom says Calvin is real upset. Dad reiterates that he bets so. Mom gets right next to Dad and says Calvin is REALLY UPSET. Dad gets it. Out he goes, flashlight in hand, to look for Hobbes. He's grumbling that his Dad wouldn't have done this for him, because he wasn't spoiled like this.

Mom joins Dad in the woods. She asks if he's had any luck. Dad replies of course not. How would he find a stuffed tiger in the woods at night? Dad complains about Calvin not keeping track of his toys and says he must be crazy to be out in the woods. Mom yells for Hobbes, then realizes she's calling to a stuffed tiger. Dad says that he may be crazy, but he's not as crazy as she is.

Dad comes back in around midnight. He has Hobbes in his hand. Dad says he found Hobbes with the toboggan. Mom thanks him and says Calvin will be so happy. Dad says Calvin better be, or tomorrow he'll leave him in the woods. Mom tucks Hobbes into bed with Calvin so he will see him first thing in the morning. Calvin is snuggled into bed, and Mom calls him a little angel. Dad says that's only at night.

Calvin awakens to find Hobbes. They say how glad they are to see each other. Calvin asks if Hobbes got scared in the woods at night. Hobbes denies that and says he got bored, so he came back. Calvin runs in to show Mom that Hobbes came back. She tells him that Dad found him last night and brought him in. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says "Is that so". Mom says yes and suggests he go thank Dad right now.

Uh, oh. Calvin wakes up without any distinguishing features, except for two antennae. He oozes out of bed on a trail of slime. Without arms or legs, how will he put on his clothes? Mom asks Calvin if he's dressed yet. He's so sluggish in the morning.

Calvin runs and jumps onto a leaf pile. The leaf pile grabs Calvin and tries to eat him. Calvin reaches out of the pile and grabs the rake. Calvin attacks the arboreal menace and beats on the leaf pile. He tells the sinister fiend it won't be tricking other innocent kids. He spreads the leaves all over the yard. Inside the house, Mom asks Dad if he wasn't going to rake the yard. Dad replies that he did. It took all afternoon. Then, he turns with his eyes bulging and asks where Calvin is.

Mom tells Calvin that she and Dad are going to a movie. Calvin asks if he can come. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not, does he have the plague? Mom says other people like to watch movies without hearing advice being shouted to the characters on the screen. Calvin asks who does that? Is she saying he does that?

Mom leaves and tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs. Dad hopes he's not too much trouble tonight. Rosalyn tells them not to worry. She brought a cattle prod this time. Calvin starts climbing out the window. Hobbes tells him Mom and Dad laughed, so it might have been a joke. Calvin isn't taking chances. He thinks Mom and Dad may think scorching little kids is fun. He keeps going down.

Mom and Dad get home and ask if Calvin was any trouble. Rosalyn says she sent him to bed a little while ago, but he wasn't much trouble. There's a knock on the door. Dad wonders who it could be at that time. He opens the door to a policeman. He tells them they received a call about two hostages being held at the house. Both Mom and Dad yell up the stairs for Calvin to get downstairs.

Calvin comes home and is attacked by Hobbes. They fight for some time. Finally, they're both exhausted. As Calvin walks by Mom, she asks what happened to him if he didn't get in a fight at school. Calvin replies that sometimes, he wishes he had a gerbil.

Calvin asks if he and Hobbes can rent a VCR and a tape. Mom doesn't think so, it's a school night. Calvin asks if he could if the tape was educational. When Mom asks what tape that would be, Calvin replies "Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained". Up in his bed, Calvin complains that now Mom won't even let them into the store. Hobbes thinks they would learn a lot by watching that movie.

As Calvin enters his house, Mom tells him she called his teacher to put a stop to Moe's bullying. Calvin tells her she wasted her time. He tells her that when Moe saw Hobbes, he almost lost his lunch. Calvin figures Moe will leave him alone now. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. Mom says "and what lucky moms those other kids have". Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'll loan Calvin a buck, he'll buy him a comic book.

Calvin launches a huge belch at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin replies "Must be a barge coming through". Mom asks again what he says. Calvin replies "That sure tasted better going down than coming up". Mom warns him about three strikes and being out. Calvin quietly says "Excuse me".

Calvin bulges an eye and hunches his shoulder. He's changing into a hairy beast, making snarling noises. He gets larger, with fangs and huge paws. Mom tells Calvin to lurch his way to the car, he needs a haircut.

Calvin asks Dad if people ever spontaneously combust. Dad doesn't think so. Calvin is relieved and walks off. Dad rolls his eyes. He keeps working, then POW! Papers fly off his desk as he jumps out of his chair. He angrily looks around. Calvin has a popped balloon in his hands. He asks Dad if he fooled him. Dad angrily suggests he has some ideas of how Calvin could make himself useful.

The giant whale swims toward the surface. Pumping his tail, he gains momentum. The giant breaches and crashes back into the surf. Mom yells into the bathroom to Calvin, who's leaping from the full bathtub. She warns him he better not be splashing the floor.

The deadly tornado crosses the community. The updraft is 200 mph. It searches for a trailer park. It finds one and touches down. Debris is blown for miles in the explosion of rushing air. Mom sticks her head into Calvin's bedroom, where there are things lying all over. She asks when he's going to clean his room. It looks like a .... Calvin says "tornado hit it, I know".

Calvin and Hobbes are bouncing around on the bed. Calvin is cheering that it's Saturday. He turns on the TV for cartoons, only to find a test pattern. Hobbes looks at the TV Guide, which says cartoons don't start until 6:30. Calvin says that's 45 minutes away, so he decides to race Hobbes up and down the stairs. Mom and Dad are awake in bed. Mom wonders why he can't get up like that on school days. Dad suggests she go break his little legs.

Mom tells Calvin to sleep tight and not let the bedbugs bite. After she leaves, Calvin wonders if that means they have vermin in the house. Hobbes says the mattress is moving. It must be a bedbug. Calvin sees giant bug legs. He runs for some bug spray and tells Hobbes to keep the monster bug trapped in the bed. Hobbes is on top of the folded over mattress. He tells Calvin to get his foot locker for more weight. Mom and Dad are wondering what's going on upstairs. Mom suggests it sounds like Calvin's moving furniture. Calvin starts using the bug spray. The spray doesn't kill it. Hobbes hears Dad coming and suggests Dad can kill the bug. As Dad enters the messed room with bug spray wafting everywhere, Calvin tells him it went under the bed. He tells Dad to get a fly swatter. Dad replies that he'll tell Calvin who's going to be swatted.

Calvin has bad news about Dad's poll results. The latest poll shows six-year-old kids in the house don't care about issues, they care about character. Dad wonders why that is bad news. Calvin pulls out a photograph and asks Dad who the bimbo is with him in his prom picture. Dad yells that the "bimbo" is Mom. Mom yells in from the other room wondering who is a bimbo. Calvin tells her "pretty funky hairdo, Mom".

Calvin walks up to Mom who's washing dishes. He makes a drum sound, asks Mom what's cooking, then starts laughing. Mom asks him what's with him. Calvin tells her he thinks his life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.

Mom and Calvin are watching a TV show. Calvin complains that the two people are kissing for so long. He makes a face as he talks about them slobbering over each others' faces. He wonders why anyone would do that. Do they like it? Mom carries him up to bed. Calvin says there is a connection there, he just knows it.

Calvin opens his drawer wondering what to wear that day. Suddenly, the clothes fly out of the drawer and attack him. They hold his arms and grab his feet. Striped shirt, plaid jacket, polka dot shirt. Calvin says he won't go out with those clothes on. The clothes lift his legs and make him walk. As Calvin walks past, Mom asks if Calvin has gone color-blind. Calvin says he doesn't want to hear about it.

The mighty destroyer patrols the seas. Suddenly, the ship spins out of control. It's caught in a whirlpool. The vessel dips its hull into the vortex and isn't seen again. Calvin grabs another toy ship on the bathtub and says "Here goes the rest of the Navy". Mom yells in asking if he's letting the water out already.

Mom shakes Calvin and tells him it's time to wake up. Calvin gets dressed, eats his cereal, brushes his teeth, puts on his jacket and heads out the door. He hears Mom tell him it's time to wake up. It was all a dream. She tells him he'll be late for school. As Calvin sits up in bed, he says his dreams are getting way too literal.

Calvin is going to be the next Houdini. He asks Hobbes to tie him to the chair. Calvin tells him to tie the knots tighter and to tie his feet. Hobbes asks to see him get out of that. The great Calvini can escape from anything. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes asks if he should tell Mom he's tied up at the moment. Calvin grunts that he'll be out in no time. He can't even move.

Mom yells that Calvin's dinner is getting cold. He says he'll be there in a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants him to untie him. No, Calvin wants to escape. He's going to rock a little to loosen the ropes. He says no ropes can hold him. He falls over in the chair. Hobbes says it's a good thing he's doing that here before trying it under water.

Calvin gives up. He tells Hobbes to untie him since he can't escape. Hobbes is trying to figure out the knots. Calvin tells him to hurry up. Hobbes pulls the rope. Calvin hollers that Hobbes tightened it. Mom gives Calvin a last call for dinner. Hobbes goes to look for Calvin's Cub Scout manual.

Calvin threatens Hobbes some more. Hobbes reminds "Mr. Houdini" he got himself into that mess. Calvin says Mom will kill him for not being at dinner. Hobbes sees the section on Morse code. Calvin says he's sorry and asks Hobbes to untie him. Hobbes tells Calvin how to say "banana" in Morse code. Mom and Dad hear noises upstairs. Dad says it sound like a chair thumping around the room. Mom says his dinner is stone cold. She hopes he's happy.

Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will. Life begins where there once was void. Calvin is no loving god, he demands sacrifice. Calvin is a god of the underworld. The puny inhabitants of earth displease him. Calvin ignores their pleas for mercy, and the doomed writhe in agony. Dad happily tells Mom that Calvin is playing with his Tinkertoys and is creating whole worlds. Mom bets Calvin will grow up to be an architect.

Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. She tells him tortellini. Calvin acts like he's gagging. He grabs his throat and says he hates tortellini. He calls it gross. He asks Mom if they can have something else for dinner. She says no. Calvin goes to the dictionary to look up what tortellini is.

Dad asks Calvin how the kiddie matinee was. Calvin vaguely remembers the movie. He thinks it was okay. Mom comes walking in with her hair messed up and eyes looking weary. Dad asks Mom how the matinee was. She grabs Dad by the collar, grits her teeth, and tells him they are going to buy a video player.

Calvin excitedly tells Dad that he and Mom have picked a Christmas tree. He tells Dad to help bring it in. Dad tells him he thought they'd keep the tree in the garage this year. Dad continues that you can go out and look at it, and that saves the trouble of decorating it. Calvin can't believe they're not decorating the tree. Dad says they take it down in two weeks, so it's not worth the bother. He mentions that if Calvin gets a present......and Calvin is shocked to hear IF he gets A present. Dad continues ....you can take it to the garage and pretend the tree has lots of lights. Calvin runs off yelling for Mom. Mom points her finger into Dad's nose and tells him she knows somebody who's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking this year. Dad comments on the season getting less jolly every year.

Calvin whispers to Hobbes in bed asking if he's awake. Hobbes is. Calvin hasn't heard Santa yet. He wonders if he's coming. Hobbes notes it's only 11:00. They may be later in the route. They hear a thump. Hobbes says it's Santa. He tells Calvin Santa is saying something. Dad is jumping around holding his foot, cussing in his pain. Mom tells him to be quiet or Calvin will hear him.

Calvin and Hobbes tiptoe down the stairs. They look into the living room. They start cheering that they got presents, that Santa came. Dad grumbles about it not being morning already. Mom sleepily looks at the alarm clock and says that, technically, it was.

Calvin hears Mom yell that it's bath time. She yells for them to just get it over with. She looks for Calvin. Calvin lies on the bottom of the bathtub, saying she'll never look there.

Calvin tells Mom the wash machine is done. He asks if she is going to put the wash in the dryer. She says she will. Calvin continues to ask if she's going to let it sit in the wash machine. Mom yells that she's busy right now. Calvin goes over to Hobbes, who is in the wash machine. Calvin tells him that Mom is busy. Hobbes hopes the next time she takes a bath, there aren't any towels.

Calvin asks Mom who's coming to visit. Mom tells him Uncle Max. Calvin doesn't remember him and wonders if he's a con man trying to swindle them. Mom says he's Dad's brother and hasn't been to visit for a few years. Calvin wonders if he was in jail. Mom tells him no, but Dad says that with Max, that's not a bad guess.

The family is going to the airport to pick up Uncle Max. Dad asks whether Calvin sees the jets. There's no answer. Dad asks why Calvin is being so quiet. Isn't he excited to see Uncle Max. Calvin says he is, but after sitting for a second adds that he hopes nobody thinks he's giving up his room while Uncle Max is visiting.

The family picks Max up at the airport. Max comments that he didn't think it had been so long, but seeing Calvin showed him. Calvin has grown so much. Max asks Calvin "what do you say". Calvin replies that he has a live man-eating tiger at home and will rip Max's lungs out if Calvin so much as winks.

Calvin asks if he can sit by Max at the dinner table. Mom agrees. She tells Max he should be flattered that Calvin asked to sit by him. Max says that's sweet. When Max sits down, a noise comes out. Calvin apparently put a whoopee cushion on Max's chair. Calvin laughs hysterically while Mom covers her face with her hands.

Calvin comes in from the snow. Mom fixed him some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. She tells him to wrap up with a blanket and to take the food in front of the fireplace. She brings Hobbes and some comic books. After Mom leaves, Calvin notices she even put marshmallows in the hot chocolate. He says "nobody knows how to pamper like a Mom". Hobbes wants to know if Calvin is going to eat all those peanut butter crackers himself, or what.

Calvin asks if Uncle Max has any kids. Max tells him no, he isn't even married. Calvin asks what difference that makes. Max suggests Calvin watches a lot of TV.

Max is talking to Mom as they do the dishes. Max notices that Calvin takes Hobbes everywhere. Mom agrees that they're inseparable. Max asks if she worries that Calvin isn't playing with real friends. Mom says she figures he will when he's ready. She asks if Max ever had an imaginary friend. Max laments that sometimes he thinks all his friends have been imaginary.

Everyone is saying goodbye to Max at the airport. Max tells Calvin to come visit him sometime. Calvin decides he'll go right then. Mom grabs Calvin. Dad tells her she missed her chance. They could have bought Calvin a ticket.

Hobbes is playing Monopoly with Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin he can't just take money from the bank. Calvin explains that Hobbes has hotels on all his properties, so Calvin can't afford to pay him. Calvin is robbing a bank. Hobbes tells him he can't do that. Calvin replies he's the banker, and he's not going to risk his life for a couple thousand dollars. Hobbes shows the rules don't say you can rob the bank. Calvin retorts the rules don't show that you can't. He tells Hobbes to just roll the dice and accept this tragic turn of events. Hobbes says if that's how Calvin's going to play, Hobbes will rob Calvin. Calvin steals the deeds to Boardwalk and Park Place. Hobbes angrily takes all the houses and hotels and puts them on Baltic Avenue, where Calvin landed. Calvin owes Hobbes $250,000. In the other room, Mom comments how cute it is that Calvin plays both sides of the Monopoly board. Dad isn't so sure. He's heard Calvin using words he didn't learn in their household.

Spaceman Spiff walks along the planet's terrain. The ground begins to shake. It's a Zorg. Spiff runs for cover, but the Zorg is upon him. The blaster has no effect. Spiff is taken to the Zorg's cave, where there is a vat of boiling water. He's about to be cooked alive. Mom tells Calvin to get into the bathtub. Calvin asks if she doesn't want to lean way, way over and test how hot the water is.

Calvin trudges into the house and tells Mom that he's an owl. Mom says he doesn't look like a very happy owl. Mom suggests maybe some lunch would help. Calvin doubts it, he doesn't like mice. Mom gives him some soup. He asks if it's mouse soup. He doesn't like mice. Mom tells him she heard him, and that the soup is tomato.

Mom tells Calvin to get up from bed. He's going to be late for school. Calvin says he's not going to school, since he's an owl. Mom disagrees and tells Calvin to get dressed. Calvin sees he's not an owl. He says the transmogrification must be temporary. He's back to being a kid. Hooray! Except that means, he can go to school. Hobbes tells him to keep the shade down when he goes.

Calvin asks Dad where he keeps his guns. Dad doesn't have any and wonders what the problem is. Calvin tells him Rosalyn is there and won't leave. Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom are going out. Mom reminds Calvin she told him that morning. Calvin asks if they have a wooden stake and a mallet.

Calvin grabs a box. He and Hobbes crawl in and address the box to Australia. They tell Mom to put them outside by the mailbox. Mom tells him not to be so silly. Mom asks where Rosalyn is, since Calvin was saying she was there. Calvin tells Mom that as far as he knows, she's still on the front porch. Mom yells at Calvin for not even letting her in, as the doorbell rings several times.

Mom opens the door and apologizes to Rosalyn. Rosalyn says it wasn't too wet and cold outside. Mom and Dad are running late, so they tell Rosalyn to help herself to anything in the fridge. Dripping wet, Rosalyn looks down at Calvin. Calvin says the door was jammed, and he couldn't get it open. Rosalyn tells him to go to bed.

Calvin is busily making snowmen in the yard. Calvin finishes them and leaves. Mom and Dad go out to the car, only to find three snowmen looking at the broken body of a fourth. Calvin built them in front on the car, to make it look like the car hit the snowman.

Mom and Dad return home. Mom asks how Calvin was that evening. Rosalyn is standing with arms crossed and a scowl on her face. Mom pays Rosalyn and thanks her. She gives a five dollar advance on the next time. Dad comments that Rosalyn has a nice racket going. Mom asks if he'd rather stay home every night until Calvin's eighteen.

It's Calvin, the human light particle. Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin, he hopes. Mom chases Calvin, with an angry look on her face.

Calvin can't get to sleep because the sheets are cold. Calvin bumps into Hobbes, who yells that his feet are like ice. Calvin says his side of the bed is cold, but Hobbes doesn't want his side cold, too. Calvin complains that Hobbes has a fur coat. They fight over the blankets. Hobbes complains that Calvin is letting cold air in. Calvin thinks that serves him right. They fight with each other. Finally, they both lie on top the sheets panting. Hobbes tells Calvin he's getting his side hot and to move over. Calvin tells Hobbes to open the window since he's roasting.

The tyrannosaurus sinks his teeth into the triceratops. The king of dinosaurs lets out a mighty roar. The monster begins its feast. It severs limbs and snaps tendons. Mom and Dad tell Calvin to chew slower and quieter. The terrible tyrannosaurus continues eating, mortified that someone might see him.

Spaceman Spiff crash lands on the planet Mok. Ominous figures appear on the horizon. He fires his death ray zorcher, but he's outnumbered. He's taken prisoner and taken to a dungeon. Spiff won't talk to the creatures. One of them orders Spiff taken to the interrogation room and to have his hair washed. Mom is trying to bathe Calvin. He tells the sinister fiend she got soap in his eyes on purpose. Mom replies it might not happen if he'd stop thrashing around.

Thunder rumbles, and lightning flashes. Calvin has been sewn together from corpses. A power surge forces blood to his brain. He's....he's alive! Calvin sleepily walks by Mom and Dad at the table.

Calvin wakes up staring at a big frog. The frog scrambles down and forces Calvin's mouth open. Calvin tries to fight, but the slippery amphibian slides in and is swallowed. Calvin lies in bed saying he doesn't feel good. Mom says he sounds awful. He's got a frog in his throat.

Calvin, the elephant, wanders the African plain. He is the largest land mammal. His deafening call shatters the early-morning tranquility. Calvin is sitting atop Dad, who's sleeping in bed. Calvin gets ready to blow a trumpet.

Hobbes is giggling in his sleep. Calvin wakes up and notices Hobbes is dreaming. Hobbes sniffs, and Calvin wonders if Hobbes thinks he's in the jungle. Calvin is prepared to smack Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes crawls out of bed and heads downstairs. Calvin follows him and wonders why they're going to the kitchen. Dad turns on the light and asks if Calvin was sleepwalking. Calvin says he was wide awake, but Hobbes is the dope who's sleepwalking. Dad explains to Mom that he put Calvin back to bed, and he had no reason for being up. Mom notices that he had gotten out all the tuna in the house.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for hamburgers tonight. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not. Mom replies that she's already fixing something for dinner. Calvin replies that he knows.

Calvin asks Dad why the sun sets. Dad explains that hot air rises, so the sun rises in the middle of the day. In the evening, it cools down and sets. Calvin asks why it goes from east to west. Dad replies "solar wind". Mom yells at Dad.

Calvin yells that he won't go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. He can do anything he wants. Mom comes over to him, picks him up, and takes him to bed. From the bed, Calvin yells they should enjoy it while they can. He'll be a hulking, surly teenager before they know it.

Calvin asks Mom if he was ever a grub. He clarifies. He wonders if he was a larva, did he really pupate at age two. Mom tells him to quit being so disgusting. She wonders where he got such an awful idea. Calvin tells Dad, who's sitting in his chair, that he should get his stories straight with Mom. He calls Dad Mr. Britannica.

Calvin asks Mom if he can use a garden shovel. She asks why. He and Hobbes are going on an archeological expedition. Mom suggests that if he's looking for fossilized remains, he could dig through his room. Calvin doesn't think that's too funny. He says he'll name an Australopithicus woman after her.

Calvin, the ant, comes out of the grainy tunnel and heads down the hill to the brick walk. Other ants are rushing around him. He reaches the monstrous dead caterpillar. Without pausing, he lifts it up. The queen demands his endless toil. Calvin heads back to the ant hill. Calvin is carrying a bundle of clothes. He's complaining that work is all he does around there. Mom, arms folded across her chest, tells him she hardly thinks Calvin picking up his room once in a while qualifies him as a slave.

Calvin shows Mom the skeleton he and Hobbes dug up. Calvin is going to call the Natural History Museum and offer it to them for ten billion dollars. Mom thinks those are peculiar bones. Calvin asks if he should ask for more money. That wasn't quite what Mom meant.

Calvin is holding his knee and yelling that he skinned it. He seems to be in real pain. He looks around and doesn't see anyone. He walks home, opens the door, then starts yelling again that he is hurting. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table.

Calvin pilots the airliner across the skies. He has clearance to land, but a plane from a rival airline is flying toward the same runway. It's a 600-mph game of chicken. Calvin pulls the throttle, and he lurches ahead. The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off by dropping altitude. Calvin turns on the "Fasten seat belt" sign in the cabin and does a barrel roll. Calvin tries not to black out at 5Gs. They close on the runway, but the other pilot has to pull up and circle around again. Calvin wins! Calvin, who's running around with a toy airplane, asks Mom if it's true that you can get a pilot's license at age 14.

Calvin, the bug, lives only to suck blood and spread parasitic disease. Calvin flies low over the picnic table, in search of a victim. His sensitive antennae detect human flesh. Calvin sticks his needle-like proboscis into a vein. Protozoans in his saliva quickly induce plague. Calvin is drinking a beverage through a straw at a picnic. Mom tells him to stop that awful slurping. It's making her sick.

Calvin tells Mom he's not having dinner tonight. He says he's going to eat cookies in front of the TV. Mom looks at him, points her finger on his nose, and tells him that he'll sit at the table and eat what she's fixed, just like everyone else. Calvin says "Oh, yeah. That's what I meant".

Mom is gardening, and Calvin comes up saying it looks like rain. Mom looks up and says there isn't a cloud in the sky. Calvin asks if she doesn't think it looks like rain. Mom says no and tells him to go away and quit being silly. Calvin walks away. He sneaks back within a few feet of Mom and places the water sprinkler on the ground.

As the family is driving along, Calvin hopes they're not camping this year. He's told they are, which doesn't please Calvin. He complains about swatting mosquitos while lying frozen and cramped on rocks, no TV, and only canned food to eat. Dad cheerfully tells him that's why they brought bug spray. Calvin tells Dad to let him out. He'll hitch a ride home and see them when they return.

As they're paddling a canoe to the campground, Calvin reminds them of last year's vacation. It rained so hard they couldn't make a fire. He says it was one of the worst experiences of his life. Dad replies that it built character. Calvin asks why he can never build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere.

They paddle up to their campground. Calvin and Mom get out so Dad can hand over the gear. As Dad is telling Calvin not to drop the gear he's handing him, down it falls into the water. Calvin tells Dad not to worry. The water is only ten feet deep, and he can see the camera and everything. Dad replies that he's going to feed Calvin to the sea gulls. Mom tells him he came to relax.

Dad retrieves everything he can see in the water. He asks Calvin to get him a towel. Dad is dripping as he gets out of the water, complaining that the one bag Calvin drops into the water has all the fragile and perishable things in it. Mom tells him the week can only improve. Dad hopes so. Calvin asks Dad if he meant to stack the tackle box and all the other stuff on his glasses.

Calvin calls into the tent Mom is sleeping in. He and Dad are going fishing, and he asks if Mom doesn't want to come along. She sleepily says no, she doesn't want to see slimy fish gasping and flopping in the bottom of the boat. She goes on to say all she wants is a decent newspaper, a fresh muffin, and a pot of real coffee. Calvin then asks why did they come to this spot for a vacation. She suggests he ask "Conan the Barbarian". Dad comes up with a smile on his face, offering to show Calvin how to put a worm on a hook.

Calvin is standing in the water. He tells Mom that he's up to his knees. He keeps telling her about looking where the water is, he's up to his knees. He steps in a bit further and starts telling Mom about being in above his knees. He keeps telling her to look. Mom is lying on a beach towel, in sunglasses, reading a book. She says she's enthralled. Calvin yells back that she's not even looking.

Mom is reading a book. Calvin comes up to her and starts telling her about Dad painting a picture. He comments on how the picture isn't coming out so hot, and Dad's in a bad mood. Calvin continues telling Mom about how he just asked one question, and Dad nearly bit his head off. He says it isn't his fault his picture is ruined. Mom yells to Calvin that she's trying to read. Calvin walks off telling Hobbes grown-ups get tense when they're recreating.

Calvin asks Mom if Hobbes can come in swimming with him. Mom says no, tigers don't swim very well. Hobbes is standing with goggles, a cap, and a life preserver on. He isn't sure Mom knows so much about tigers. Calvin tells him they're just trying to avoid an argument, as he gets ready to bring Hobbes into the water.

Mom and Dad are at the dinner table. Mom asks Calvin where he's been. Calvin explains that drifted away on his balloon which popped. Then, he remembered his transmogrifier gun. After mistakenly turning himself into a safe, he transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. Calvin sits at the table. He looks at his meal. He then says that if he had known they were having that for dinner, he wouldn't have hurried. Mom tells him to sometime try transmogrifying into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.

Dad calls up the stairs for Calvin. They're ready to go to the zoo. Dad hasn't been to the zoo in ages. Mom says Calvin never has been. Mom has been telling Calvin about the zoo trip all week. She says he's so excited. Dad yells up again for Calvin. Calvin and Hobbes are in his room reading comic books. Hobbes asks where they have to go now. Calvin says it beats him. He says Mom and Dad are always dragging them some dumb place.

Dad holds Calvin up so he can see into the alligator pit. Calvin asks why they're in a pit. Dad explains it's so they don't get out and eat people. Calvin asks if the zoo ever throws anyone in. Dad tells him no. Calvin looks a little longer. Dad puts him down, and Calvin asks how soon until they go home.

Calvin runs over to the monkey cage. Mom shows him how monkeys use their tails and feet to climb. She says zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Calvin's eyes get wide and he points at the cage. He says to look what the monkey is doing in public. He laughs, says that's gross, and asks how come he's not allowed to do that. Mom tells Calvin to come look at the birds.

Calvin says he followed that lady halfway around the zoo, think it was Mom. He wonders why Mom's don't write their names on their calves so that type thing doesn't happen. He wonders where he is, and he wonders where Hobbes is. Mom sees Hobbes on the zoo bench. She asks where Calvin is. Dad says these little family trips always turn out this way. He plans on spending more Saturdays at the office.

Mom and Dad look around for Calvin. Mom says they just turned their backs for a minute. Dad wonders why he didn't take Hobbes. Dad tells Mom to stay at the bench in case Calvin returns. He's going to go look for him. Dad complains that being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.

Mom is overjoyed to see Dad with Calvin. She asks where he was. Dad tells her he was looking at the tigers. Calvin explains that he followed another lady, thinking it was Mom. Then, when he realized he was lost, he went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Mom tells him to ask a person for help next time. Dad says that there won't be a next time, because they're going to tie him to a stake in the yard every weekend. Calvin tells Hobbes his compatriots were a fat lot of help.

Dad leans back in his chair. He says he sometimes feels like he works all the time to afford his place, and he never gets a chance to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. As he's commenting he has his weekends to enjoy things, he hears Mom yelling at Calvin. He's tracked mud all over the house. She shrieks when she sees the couch Calvin has walked across. Calvin says he saw a muddy guy go running. Mom makes Calvin go outside. Calvin yells that he knows when he's not wanted. Finally, there is quiet. Then Calvin tosses a water balloon at Dad and tells him to catch. Dad gets soaked. Calvin walks away saying Dad has good reflexes. He adds not to go into the house like that, Mom is in one of her moods. Dad thinks he could get a lot of work done on the weekends.

Mom is painting something when Calvin yells for her. He asks if she knows the living room couch. When Mom asks what about it, Calvin asks if she thinks it's too wide. Horrified, Mom puts the paint down and goes to the living room. Calvin is standing with a saw behind his back. He tells Mom he was just asking.

Calvin looks jittery as he walks along. He says the problem having a tiger for a friend is that he appears out of nowhere, coming right at you at 90 miles an hour. He looks around, startled. Calvin wipes his brow. He thought he had heard Hobbes. His heart is still pounding. He sees Hobbes on the floor. Mom tells him he hasn't been looking well. She suggests he should go to bed earlier.

Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs reading. They hear Calvin singing about getting a bucket, that nothing's wrong, how many buckets do they have, no cause for alarm, and no need to panic. Mom and Dad look at each other, point at each other, and both say "Your turn".

Calvin, the tyrannosaurus, is king of the thunder lizards. Seven tons of muscle and teeth searches for prey. Mom sees Calvin hunched over with teeth bared. She tells him to stop stomping around. He's driving her crazy. Suddenly, Calvin bites Mom on the leg. As she chases him, Calvin asks how the fearsome tyrannosaurus became extinct. Now we know.

Calvin tells Mom to give him some cookies or he'll light the fuse and send them all to kingdom come. He has something in his hand. Mom looks at him and sees he tied a string to a hot dog. She tells him not to waste food and takes the hot dog from Calvin. He asks if he can have some cookies. Mom says no. Calvin says he wishes he could get his hands on some real dynamite. Hobbes asks if he can have the hot dog, or did Mom take it.

Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping in a tent in the backyard. They're reading a scary story. The bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glisten. Hobbes hears a noise. Calvin tells him the story is scary enough. SNAP! It must be the bog monster. Hobbes tells Calvin to turn off the flashlight. There is crunching and cracking outside the tent. Calvin says they're doomed. Hobbes says it's getting closer. They hear the tent flap being zipped. It's coming in. They scream, blind the bog monster with the flashlight, pull down the tent ropes, and run for it. Calvin sits on Mom's lap. She asks what he's doing in there, Dad had just gone out to check on him. As Dad yells from outside, Calvin tells Mom the bog monster must have gotten him.

Calvin floats around the room. There is no gravity. Calvin pushes off the ceiling and aims for the hallway. He glides with unchecked momentum. He turns himself so he can push off the next stationary surface. Mom scoots Calvin outside. She says he's really bouncing off the walls today.

There's a tyrannosaurus in the grocery store. It heads for the meat department and devours the butcher. Shoppers flee for their lives. It's mayhem, destruction, and carnage in the aisles. Mom sees Calvin has knocked cans off the grocery shelves. She asks if she can't take him anywhere. Calvin, arms out and teeth bared, now wants cookies.

Planet Calvin moves across the solar system. Nobody notices him until his orbit takes him between the sun and the earth. He causes a solar eclipse. The earth is in darkness. How long will Calvin stay there? Mom is trying to read a book, and Calvin is standing on the back of the sofa blocking light from the lamp.

Calvin reminds Dad Election Day is coming and asks if he's chosen a running mate. Dad asks what he means. Calvin informs him you can't be elected Dad without a Mom. Calvin asks if he's going to keep the Mom Calvin's had or get a new running mate. Dad smiles and thinks. Mom comes up and makes a fist. Dad says of course he'll stick with Calvin's Mom.

Calvin gives his dinner a funny look. He plugs his nose and takes a bite. He turns green, purple, blue, orange and yellow as he flops around on the ground, acting as if he's choking. Mom sits him back in his chair and tells him it's hamburger casserole. She tells him there isn't anything in it he doesn't like. He takes another bite. He says that bite wasn't so bad. He was able to choke it down. He says his stomach pains aren't as bad. He says the secret is suppressing the gag reflex. Once he swallows it, he can stand it. Mom sits at the table saying she's glad the meal is such a hit.

From inside the house, we hear "All right, I'm going". Then, "I can walk myself. OK, I'm going". Calvin is tossed out the door. Calvin yells back to the house that you think school's great now, but in a couple of hours you'll miss him.

Mom looks out the window. She's in her robe, holding a cup of coffee. She is thinking that Calvin put up a fuss. She thinks he'll have fun as soon as he gets there. She sees Calvin running and thinks he's getting excited. Then she realizes, and she opens the door and yells. Calvin is running away from the bus stop. She yells for him to get back there.

Calvin asks Miss Wormwood if he could be excused. He says he has to go, bad. Miss Wormwood lets him go. Mom opens the door and asks Calvin what he's doing home. Calvin tells her he had to go.

Calvin says goodbye to Mom. He's going to live on Mars, since Earth is too polluted. She tells him goodbye. Calvin stands by the open back door and tells her to say goodbye to Dad. If he can find an interplanetary post office, he'll write once in a while. Mom tells him he's letting in bugs. Either stay in or go outside. Hobbes tells Calvin she didn't see too choked up about them going. Calvin adds they should have left a long time ago.

Calvin stands on the top stair of the case. He bends forward and hits his head on the next step. Then, he tumbles over and hits his feet on the next step. Again and again it happens. Mom runs over to the bottom of the staircase and asks if he fell down the stairs again. Calvin, stuck head first between the floor and the bottom step, says that's him, the human slinky.

Calvin scootches across the floor inside a box turned upside down. He moves over to Mom, sitting with a cup of coffee. In a robotic voice, he says he's a robot probe sent from Jupiter. He says his sensors detect trace amounts of chocolate in the pantry. He requests some to be loaded into his scoop for analysis. Mom refuses, saying it will ruin his appetite. Calvin says his mission must not fail. He tells the pitiful earth female to prepare for annihilation. He holds a rubber dart gun out. Mom tells him to go back to Jupiter.

Mom asks Calvin to get her purse. She needs her calculator. Calvin goes to get the purse. He hands it to her, and Mom thanks him. He stands there and clears his throat with his hand out. Mom says she isn't going to tip him. Calvin walks off saying he won't fetch anything again.

In bed at night, Calvin calls for Mom. Dad comes in and asks what's wrong. Calvin doesn't feel good. He says his stomach hurts, and he wants Mom. Dad crawls back in bed, to find Mom curled up with the covers. She asks why her. What's wrong with him, for crying out loud? Dad tells Mom she can ask Calvin. Then he tells her to let him back under the covers.

Mom groggily looks at the clock. She wonders why kids always feel sick at two in the morning. She sits on the edge of the bed, trying to wake up. She says Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. She says if he's going to get her up at that hour, he'd better really be sick. Mom opens her eyes wide when she hears Calvin barf in his room. She puts her arms out and shouts that she didn't mean it. Dad rolls over and tells her to pipe down, he's trying to sleep.

Mom tells Calvin it's been twenty minutes since he was sick, so she takes his temperature. While Mom is waiting, she yawns. With thermometer in mouth, Calvin says "Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin". Mom glances at her watch and asks what he said. Calvin repeats it. She turns around and asks why he didn't say so. She asks for the thermometer and says "Run".

Mom tucks Calvin back to bed and says she thinks the worst is over. She tells him to try to get some sleep. She says she's going back to bed, but that he should call if he feels sick again. Calvin weakly agrees. Mom closes the door and says "Poor little kid". Hobbes disgustedly pushes Calvin over and says there's nothing worse than a sick roommate. He tells Calvin to face the other way.

The next morning, Mom asks Calvin if he feels better. With eyes nearly closed, he says no. She tells him she better make an appointment with the doctor. He says OK. Mom reminds him it's Saturday, so he won't miss school. He wearily says he knows. Now Mom knows it's for real. She runs to the telephone.

Calvin slowly puts his shirt back on. The doctor tells Mom that Calvin just caught the bug that's going around. He tells her to keep an eye on Calvin and let him know if Calvin isn't feeling better soon. Calvin sleepily walks away. The doctor tells him he was a good patient today. He then tells Mom there's nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. Mom says she'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.

Calvin wants some more toast. He yells "Room Service". He tells Mom that got her up there real fast. Mom tells him tomorrow, he'll go to school.

Calvin sneezes, and his head blows off. He walks, headless, into the other room. He tells Mom he sneezed and blew his head off. Mom pulls his shirt down and tells him he's not fooling anyone. Calvin says Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.

Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter to take a bath for him. Hobbes sits in the tub, while Calvin talks about washing his arms, dropping the soap, and washing his face. Hobbes offers to take his Wednesday bath for him, too. Calvin hands Hobbes a towel. Hobbes figures a few weeks of this, and he'll be rich. Hobbes dries himself with the blow dryer. They lie in bed when Mom comes to give Calvin a good night kiss. Calvin whispers for Hobbes to keep a straight face. BLEECH! Calvin is filthy. Calvin hands her the wet towel and asks if she didn't hear him take his bath. Back into the tub he goes. He wants his quarter back, but Hobbes says it's as good as spent.

Mom tells Calvin to take off his outfit at the dinner table. Calvin says he's Stupendous Man. Mom tells him to stop being silly and do what she asked. Calvin says he needs to wear his costume for dinner. Mom says he won't. Calvin says Stupendous Man has a stomach of steel.

Calvin gets off the bus after a rough day. He opens the door, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that if he thought that was funny, he should come back and fight. He trudges up the stairs. Mom notices he looks dirtied and asks what happened. He tells her not to ask. He heads to his room to change. When he opens his room door, Hobbes crashes into him again. Later, Dad asks where Calvin is. Mom tells him she sent him to his room for making prank calls to pet stores. He was asking them if they'd buy his tiger.

Calvin looks at his soup and starts to complain about it having rice in it. Mom asks to see. Calvin shows her, and he tells her he hates rice. She tells him she didn't put rice in. Those are maggots. Dad frowns, puts his hand to the side of his face, and says this is another lovely meal at home with his family. He wishes his job required more travel. Mom tells him that Calvin's eating the soup now. Calvin can't wait to tell everyone at school what they had for dinner.

Calvin stops and says "Uh oh". HOOP! His head stretches vertically. EEP! His head stretches horizontally. He tells Mom he has the hiccups something terrible.

The tyrannosaurus stalks the ground. The five-ton carnivorous lizard can run faster than a rhino. What could be more horrifying? The dinosaur hears "Stop that clomping around". Calvin, hunched over with teeth bared, says "besides the blood-curdling roar of its Mom".

Calvin comes home from school. He stands outside the house, yelling for Mom to open the door for him. Mom does, but mentions the door wasn't locked. He tells her sometimes Hobbes is ready to pounce on him when he returns home. Mom tells him not to call her to come open the door unless it's locked. Calvin says he sure outsmarted Hobbes this time. When he enters his bedroom, he sticks his tongue out at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin a sissy.

Calvin warns Mom he's in a bad mood. Mom, working in the kitchen, tells Calvin to be in a bad mood elsewhere. She's busy. Calvin looks back over his shoulder and says his biological mother would have bought him a comic book and made him feel better instead of shunning him like she did. Mom crouches down to tell Calvin anyone but your biological mother would have left him to the wolves long ago. Calvin doesn't believe her and asks how much she paid for him.

Mom yells asking who made the mess. Calvin says it wasn't him, it was a horrible little Venusian who materialized in the kitchen. He continues explaining this creature had a diabolical high-frequency device and pointed it at various objects. Calvin sits on his bed saying "Mothers are the necessity of invention".

Calvin comes home from school. KAPOW! Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin walks in all disheveled. Mom asks if he stepped on a land mine. Calvin asks when Dad is going to build the tiger pit he keeps asking him about.

Mom is looking for Calvin. She comes up the stairs asking where he is. She looks in a closet and says she's getting tired of this. She says she means it and wants him to come out for his bath. Calvin is outside his bedroom window sitting on the roof. He says sooner or later, Mom's going to have to question whether this is worth all the trouble.

It's Stupendous Man, champion of liberty, defender of free will. Some fiend plans to establish a totalitarian system of rule. It's as he expected. It's his arch-enemy, Mom lady. Calvin has his hood and cape on, and Mom says she told him to go to bed. As Mom carries him up the stairs to bed, Calvin says Stupendous Man's powers are no match against his adversary. Stupendous Man is vanquished. After being placed in bed, Calvin wipes his cheek. He says this would have been plenty humiliating without the goodnight kiss. Mom tells him to take off the silly hood before he smothers in his sleep.

Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized. Our hero must climb out and fix it in zero gravity. Upside down, Spiff clings to the spaceship. One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond. Calvin is hanging upside down, holding onto both sides of the doorway while Mom tries to push him out the door to go to school.

Calvin brings a bunch of paper to Mom and asks if she wants to read his letter to Santa. He hopes he didn't forget to ask for something he wants. Mom notices the list is alphabetized. Calvin says he cross-indexed the accessory items Santa will need to get. Mom says the papers say "Volume One". Calvin tells her it's "atom bomb" through "grenade launcher". Mom says he's going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.

Calvin looks out the window and sees it snowed. He asks Mom to turn on the radio to see if they closed school. He hopes the buses froze up and the principal can't get out of his driveway. Mom tells him to get dressed. It only snowed an inch. As Calvin walks to the bus, he says getting an inch of snow is like winning ten cents in the lottery.

Calvin is getting dressed. He asks if he has to wear the dorky clothes and get his hair combed. Mom tells him that Dad is going to take his picture. They're going to put a picture of Calvin in their Christmas cards so everyone can see what he looks like now. Calvin replies that's a dumb idea. He wonders why they're doing that. Dad says it's so they won't have relatives dropping by to visit.

There are photos Mom and Dad are looking at. One looks like Calvin had sucked a lemon, one has him shaking his face back and forth, one has him leaned back so you see up his nose, one has his looking backward. Dad says they can't send those in the Christmas cards, people would think it's sacrilegious. Mom says the pictures do look like Calvin, except for the combed hair.

Mom wakes up to hear Calvin calling loudly for her. She goes to his room and asks what's the matter. Calvin asks if people grow from spores. Mom yells that it's 2 AM and he is asking her if people grow from spores. She asks if he's out of his mind. She wonders why he's even awake. She tells him to go to sleep. After she leaves, Calvin tells Hobbes she didn't answer, so she must not know. Hobbes says it's true.

Calvin asks Mom how his peanut butter sandwich is coming. He reminds her to use chunky, because he won't eat smooth. He wants it open face. He tells her not to put jelly on it and use normal bread. He doesn't like those weird grain breads. He asks her if she cut it diagonally. He likes triangles more than rectangles, so he tells her to cut it right. Mom sets the sandwich down and says "Your majesty's sandwich". Calvin looks at the sandwich. He complains he got a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly. He asks if Mom wasn't listening.

Calvin wakes Hobbes up and tells him it's Christmas. Hobbes asks if he's sure, since it's still dark outside. Calvin says it's four in the morning. He hops out of bed. He asks Hobbes to see if Santa left their loot yet. He says he'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but they can at least count their packages. Calvin sees all the presents. Hobbes hands him one and says it's strange Santa would go to the bother to wrap a box of coal. Calvin starts dividing up the presents by who's getting them. He thinks Santa goofed up. Hobbes hasn't gotten any gifts. Calvin yells to Mom and Dad that Santa didn't get Hobbes anything. Calvin hugs Hobbes and tells him it's a present from him. He hopes it fits. Hobbes tells him the best presents don't come in boxes. He'll treasure it forever.

Calvin points to the full bathtub and says he can't take a bath in that. The water's boiling, and he'll scald himself. He asks Mom if she's trying to cook him alive. Mom opens the bathroom door and says by the time he quits fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming, takes off his clothes and gets in, the water will be fine. Calvin does and says his Mom really knows him.

The bay doors open and out falls Calvin, the C-bomb. Calvin is about to unleash the power of a million A-bombs. He streaks toward his target. Mom grabs Calvin by the shirt as he runs by. He has a bat in his hand. Mom says "Oh no you don't".

Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet surface. An alien approaches. In the blinding light, Spiff can't tell whether the alien is friendly or hostile. Mom comes in to yell at Calvin who's still sitting on his bed. She tells him to get ready for school. Spiff, being carried off by the alien, says that it's definitely hostile.

Calvin is tossed out the door. Mom tells him the bus will be by any minute. Get going! Spaceman Spiff, captured by the Zogwargs, is being transported to the labor camp. Our hero hatches a plan. He makes his break. Using the planet's weaker gravity, our hero is away like a shot. Mom looks out the window. She says she sees the bus, but why doesn't she see Calvin?

Spiff escapes! Dad asks if Calvin got on the bus. Mom says she didn't see. Dad mentions he saw someone darting behind a tree. They look and see it again. Dad asks if that's Calvin. Spiff inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket. The Zogwargs have spotted him.

Mom gets on her coat and tells Calvin to get over there. Our hero blasts off on his jet pack. Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff. The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters. Spiff fires his death ray blaster. Calvin is throwing snowballs at Mom as she chases him. She tells him he's digging his own grave.

Mom drags Calvin back telling him he's in big trouble. She asks why he didn't get on the bus. Now she has to take him to school, and Dad will be late to work. She tells Calvin he's inconvenienced everyone and asks if he has anything to say for himself. Calvin tells the Zogwarg Queen to give him liberty or give him death. Mom turns from the steering wheel with teeth clenched. She tells Calvin not to tempt her. She also tells him to call her Mom.

Calvin hides behind a tree. He plans to cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs. Susie is busy making a snowman. Calvin misses with the toss. He blames the cross breezes. Then he throws several snowball, which all miss Susie. She taunts him by saying he's the worst shot in the world. She says if it wasn't for gravity, he wouldn't hit the ground. SMACK! Susie gets nailed by a snowball. She runs after Calvin, who gleefully comments he did it when it really counted. After going home, Calvin tells Mom that he has bad news. He says he promised his soul to the devil that afternoon. Mom asks if it was that recently.

Calvin is on the telephone asking for the tool department. He asks the price of circular saws, then electric drills. He asks how big a bit the drill will hold. Then Mom walks by. Calvin acts as if he's talking to Susie about a school assignment. After Mom passes, Calvin apologizes to the tool department and asks about acetylene torches. He tells them to ring it up. He has Dad's MasterCard in his hand.

Mom tells Calvin to eat his dinner. Spaceman Spiff is held over a pit of putrid pasta. Our hero's mind races furiously. The aliens say that he's had his chance. Let's make him eat. Calvin looks surprised, points behind Mom and Dad, and tells them to look behind them. When they look, Calvin runs off. One alien says the human scum has escaped. The other says tomorrow morning, he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast.

Calvin claims the air pressure in the room is too high. He sucks in his cheeks and stretches his eyes vertically. He says his organs are in danger of collapsing. He's about to implode. Mom, Dad, and Calvin are sitting at a restaurant table. Calvin says they have to get out of there. There's too much atmosphere. Mom tells him to sit still and behave. She tells him they can't eat at fast food places all the time.

Calvin sees Mom with her hair wrapped in a towel. He says since she showered now, she and Dad must be going out. He also notices that he wasn't asked to clean up, so that means he's staying home. Since he's staying home, that means Mom has gotten a baby sitter. With a gasp, he realizes that means Mom probably hired Rosalyn! Mom confirms his fears by saying "Brilliant, Holmes". Calvin yells in horror.

Calvin asks Dad where they're going that night. He wonders why he and Hobbes can't come along. Dad says they're going to dinner and a movie to get some time by themselves. Calvin says that he could come. Hobbes wouldn't kill anyone. Calvin asks why they can't come, why aren't they wanted around. He asks if the movie's dirty or something. Dad tells Mom that they'll have a dinner with real pauses in the conversation. Can she imagine?

Mom lets Rosalyn in. She tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs hiding from her, so she may have an easy evening. Rosalyn says that would be good, since she has to study for a big test tomorrow. Upstairs, Calvin and Hobbes are listening around the corner. As Hobbes rubs his paws together, and Calvin puts on an evil smile, he declares that tonight is "The Revenge of the Baby Sat".

Mom and Dad return home. Mom asks if Rosalyn had a quiet evening and got her studying done. Rosalyn has a worn look to her face. She says she's sorry, but tonight is going to cost them. Having paid Rosalyn, and her having left, Dad asks Mom if she's sure that no one in town will baby-sit Calvin. Mom replies that maybe he'd like to spend a week on the phone.

Mom and Dad are walking down the sidewalk. They look into a yard and see a snowman with a hat and broom. A little further on, they see a snowman with a scarf and cap. They keep walking past a snowman with a small snowman next to it. They come to their yard and see a snowman with two heads, with both heads having their mouths open. Dad says you can always tell when you get to their house.

Mom is sewing in her chair as Calvin walks by. Calvin walks by later with a conical hat and a cape. Mom keeps sewing. She hears a CLUMP and walks to the window to see what it was. She sees a ladder sitting against the wall. She races out of the house, looking up at the roof. The pteranodon spreads his wings and prepares to soar.

Calvin asks Dad how his breakfast is. Calvin describes Dad's oatmeal as a bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. He offers Dad a bowl of "tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Dad says no thanks. He's trying to reach middle age. Calvin asks Mom if she's having boring old toast and tea. Mom tells him if he wants the beanie, he eats the cereal.

Sitting in the school bus, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Sitting at his desk in school, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Getting off the school bus at the end of the day, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. He asks Mom if his beanie came in the mail. She tells him she just mailed the order that day. Calvin shuffles off saying he'll never make it six weeks.

Sitting at his desk at school, Calvin dreams of flying over the town in his beanie. He dreams of flying with the jet airliners. Mom asks him how school was. Calvin says it was a blast...did his beanie come today?

Calvin walks through the door, looking tired. He asks if his beanie came in the mail. He's sure it didn't. Mom gives him the box and tells him it did come in. Calvin is ecstatic. He says it took weeks of waiting, but it's finally here. He gets to finally put it on. He tears the package open with a wild look in his eyes. He pulls out a paper from inside the box. It reads "Some assembly required. Batteries not included".

Calvin sadly brings his motor and propeller to Dad, asking if he can fix it. Dad looks at it and decides Calvin only broke the battery case. He glues it together and inserts the switch. He holds it up and declares it good as new. He says they'll let it sit so the glue dries. Calvin happily says Dad fixed it. He can't believe it. He calls out to Mom that Dad actually fixed something.

Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door and tells him this is the third time she's called him. He needs to get up. Calvin grumbles that he doesn't want to get up or go to school. Mom says he has to, whether he wants to or not. Calvin sits up in the bed and tells Mom that for her information, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Mom asks if that's so. Calvin, standing outside waiting for the school bus, says Mom sure can make you want to do something.

Mom opens the bedroom door and tells him to get out of bed, he's going to miss the bus. He stands at the blackboard doing a math problem. Miss Wormwood tells him to sit down if he doesn't know the answer. Moe holds him up by his shirt, clenches his fist, and asks Calvin if he wants to see if there's an afterlife. As Calvin tries to go out his bedroom window, he's told he can't go out to play until his homework is done. Calvin stirs his dinner, and Dad tells him just to eat it and not to play with it. Mom tells him to quit stalling and to take his bath. Dad turns off the TV and tells him he can't stay up later and to go to bed. Mom comes in after Calvin climbs in bed. She kisses his forehead and tells Calvin to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big day. After the light is turned out, Calvin sighs.

Calvin is running through the house. Mom finally catches him and puts him to bed. He remembers something. Mom sees him playing with his toys downstairs. She asks what he thinks he's doing back down there. Calvin replies that Mom didn't read him his rights.

Calvin asks Dad why he always reads his bedtime stories and not Mom. Dad tells him that's the Dad's job. From the other room, Mom yells that it appears to be the only Dad's job around here. Calvin asks Dad if he left the dishes for Mom, again. Dad yells back to the other room that tonight's story is called "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single".

Calvin runs from the school bus. He approaches his door, but stops to think. He sneaks around the house and enters a window. He tiptoes over to the front door, where he starts to open it. He yells that he's home. Hobbes leaps by heading out the front door. Calvin closes and locks the door behind Hobbes, calling him a chump. There's a knock on the door. Calvin yells out that he's not opening the door, and that he can just stay out there all night. Mom is standing outside the house, at the door, with two grocery bags. Hobbes is sitting on the step. Mom says she can't wait to hear this one explained.

Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to have a jelly donut. Calvin makes a face and says jelly donuts gross him out. They're like eating giant, squishy bugs. You bite into them and their purple guts spill out the other end. He walks off telling Mom she can eat them. Mom pushes the bag aside and says her friends ask her how she stays thin.

Mom scoots Calvin along. She says they were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. Calvin asks where they're going. Mom tells him for the hundredth time they're going to a wedding. She tells him to get in the car, Dad's waiting. As Calvin climbs in, he asks what if he forgot something. Dad says they'll only be gone overnight. Hobbes' tail pokes out from the covers on Calvin's bed.

Calvin tells Dad to turn the car around. He forgot Hobbes. Dad says they can't turn around, they're late already. Dad tells him he could have been ready on time and had his things ready. He didn't, he put up a fuss, made them late, and he forgot his tiger. Dad tells Calvin it's his own fault. Calvin says Dad would turn around if they'd forgotten Mom. Dad tells him that's because she's the only person who knows where they're going.

Dad, Mom, and Calvin are sitting in the church at the wedding. Calvin is frowning, wondering when the wedding will be over. He doesn't even know these people. Calvin thinks it would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was there. Calvin wonders what Hobbes will eat. They didn't leave any food out. Calvin realizes they'll be gone almost two whole days, Hobbes will be starving. He thinks he'll let Dad go into the house first.

In the hotel room, Calvin asks Mom how to make a long-distance call. He wants to call Hobbes to make sure he's okay. Mom tells him Hobbes won't answer and not to be silly. She reminds him he'll see Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin says Hobbes is probably all lonely. Mom says she's sure Hobbes is having a good time. Calvin hopes Hobbes isn't renting some movie Calvin wanted to see.

Calvin tells Mom he can't sleep. Mom says he can if he lies quietly. Calvin says Hobbes isn't there. He says tigers are comforting. He always falls asleep when he listens to Hobbes breathing. Mom says Calvin can listen to Dad snoring. Calvin says he thought that noise was trucks downshifting on the highway.

The family arrives home, and Calvin runs into the house to see Hobbes. Mom says she didn't think they'd ever get home. She says the whole trip was one long compliant about leaving Hobbes at home. Dad says next time, they should bring the tiger and forget the kid. Dad notices it's drafty in the house. Calvin points out the smashed window. Mom is horrified that somebody broke in. Calvin runs off to find Hobbes.

Dad goes to call the police. Calvin runs for Hobbes. Mom can't believe it's happening. Calvin runs to Mom asking her to help him find Hobbes. Mom calms him down by saying Hobbes is around there somewhere. She doesn't think anyone would steal a stuffed tiger. Calvin sniffs that Hobbes is so trusting.

Dad says the police are sending someone over. He asks Mom if she's figured out what's missing. Mom says she's been looking for Hobbes since Calvin's almost hysterical. Dad says he feels hysterical himself. Mom hopes the police arrive soon. She's scared. Dad says that this is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. Unfortunately, he says, we're all "someone else" to someone else.

Calvin calls into the basement for Hobbes. Mom finds Hobbes in Calvin's bed. Calvin runs upstairs and asks if Hobbes is alright. He hugs Hobbes and says he's so glad to see him. Hobbes is safe and sound, and now Calvin is, too. Mom says that it looks like they're a whole family again.

Mom has swept up the glass from the window, Dad goes to get something to cover the hole. Mom asks if it's safe to stay there overnight. What if the burglars come back? Dad says the police said they'd drive by, and they can leave lots of lights on. Mom feels creepy knowing burglars were in the house. She doesn't feel safe. Dad says it must be really scary for a little kid like Calvin. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't wait to tell everyone at school that their house was robbed. Hobbes tells him to be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.

Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck doing homework on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching. He dashes into the closet. This is a job for Stupendous Man, defender of freedom, advocate of liberty! A crimson streak blasts through the atmosphere, then heads back toward earth. Stupendous Man strikes the earth at an acute angle, using stupendous force. The earth slowly stops rotating and begins turning in the other direction. Stupendous Man turns the planet all the way around backward. The sun sets in the east and comes up in the west. It's soon 10:00 AM the previous day. Mom asks what Calvin is doing outside. She asks if he finished his schoolwork. Calvin marches along in his Stupendous Man costume, saying it's Saturday. He doesn't need to do it until tomorrow, thanks to Stupendous Man.

Dad asks Mom if Calvin's asleep. She says he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Dad doesn't know how he's going to sleep. Mom agrees. She can't get over what happened. The idea of a stranger going through their house makes her shiver. She wishes she had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. She hugs Dad. He complains that how come he's the grown-up. What does he get to snuggle?

Dad is sitting up in bed. He thinks it's going to be a long night. His heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2:00, and he's wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your home, you're not safe anywhere. He lays back down and thinks a man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.

Mom asks Dad if he's still awake. Dad is. When he was little, he never thought about grown-ups worrying about anything. He trusted his parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to him they might not know how. He thought when you were an adult, you automatically knew what to do in a given scenario. He says he wouldn't have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if he knew the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.

Mom thinks that at least they weren't at home when the house was broken into. No one was hurt, and they're all together and OK. They lost a few nice things, but things don't matter much really. As she cuddles up with Dad, she thinks it's hard to believe how often they forget that.

At the dinner table, Calvin asks to be excused. Mom says he didn't finish his dinner. Calvin says he didn't like it very much, and there's a TV show he wants to watch. Mom reminds him the TV was stolen. Calvin is disappointed. He says he'll eat his asparagus, do his homework, then go straight to bed. Mom says they're proud of how he handles adversity.

Calvin wakes Mom up to give her a Mother's Day card he made. She sits up and reads it. It reads he could have bought a card with hearts of pink and red, but he thought he'd spend the money on him, instead. It's hard to buy things with such a small allowance, so she's lucky he got her anything at all. Happy Mother's Day, he's said it, now he's done. So how about getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for her son? Mom's deeply moved.

Mom is sitting reading the paper. She says she hasn't seen Calvin for 15 minutes. She's sitting with her back to the window. The car rolls past the window. Then, Calvin and Hobbes run past the window. Mom says that probably means he's getting into trouble.

Calvin opens the door, says he and Hobbes are home, and asks if he's got any clean clothes. He's just asking. He goes into the kitchen. He says he's going to make a few dozen sandwiches, because he's really hungry. He yells that there's no need for Mom to get up or look out the window. Mom comes in and asks what's wrong with him. He's startled, laughs, and asks why she is asking.

The laws of perspective have been repealed. Objects no longer diminish in size with distance. Lines do not converge toward any point on the horizon. It's impossible to judge where anything is. Calvin trips over the end table and knocks it and the lamp to the floor. Mom yells that he should quit running around crashing into things. If he doesn't, Mom will sell him to the monkey house. Calvin gets up rubbing his head, saying now she's lost perspective.

Mom is looking out the window and wonders why all the cars are slowing as they go by. She opens the door and sees a car in the ditch, but no one is there. Mom wonders how the car went in backward. She thinks about it and realizes the car would have had to come right out of their driveway. She starts running over to the car.

Mom sees Calvin in the tree and tells him to come down. Calvin doesn't want to because he thinks she'll kill him. Mom says she won't, but wants to know what happened. She asks if anyone was hurt. Calvin says no one was hurt. He says they pushed the car into the drive and it kept rolling. Mom asks if the car hit anything. Calvin says it just went into the ditch. That's when they took off. Mom says the tow truck pulled the car out, and there was no damage. He can come home now. Calvin wants to hear her say she loves him first.

Mom gets dressed, puts on earrings, applies her lipstick, and heads out the door. Calvin sprays her with a water hose. Calvin is walking away, rubbing his rear end. He says Mom is a grouch.

Calvin has turned into one of his childhood drawings. His anatomical references being obscure, Calvin finds it hard to move. Are these lower appendages feet or wheels? His Mom thinks he's some kind of helicopter. If only he'd learned to draw better. Calvin holds up a picture he drew and says no one understands his work. Mom says that's what all artists say.

Mom asks where Calvin is going. He says "out". Mom asks if he picked up his room like she asked him to. He says "no". Mom asks for clarification. She says so when Calvin says "out", he really means he's going back upstairs to clean his room. Calvin stands in his messy room and complains that English must not be her first language.

Mom asks Calvin why he's back downstairs. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies "Twisted fiend! No four walls can hold Stupendous Man! You've been foiled again, evil Mom-lady". Mom bends down and gives Calvin a nasty look. She says "Oh, yeah". Calvin stumbles up the stairs with eyes spinning. He says her mind-scrambling eyeball ray has him going back upstairs to do her nefarious bidding.

Calvin yells that he cleaned his room. He wants to go outside. Mom says it didn't take very long. She wants a look to see what kind of job he did. Calvin says he did a great job. Mom says the room looks clean. She then asks if he straightened up the closet like she asked. Calvin yells for her not to open the door. Too late. Mom is buried by all the stuff Calvin threw in there. Mom tells him to go back to work. Calvin complains that she made this mess, so she should clean it up.

Mom is reading on the sofa. Calvin comes in and tells her to give him some cookies or he'll soak her with a water balloon. Mom calls him a little thug and warns him not to threaten his mother. She tells him not to even think about throwing that in the house. She tosses him outside. Dejectedly, Calvin says to Hobbes that he bets he would have gotten some cookies if he had filled the balloon with paint.

At the dinner table, Calvin tells Dad that Mom took him to the library. He didn't know it was such fun. Dad tells him that he'll learn things, too. Calvin explains that he learned one type wasp lays its egg in a spider so that when the egg hatches, the larva eats the spider, saving the vital organs for last, so the spider stays alive while its being devoured. Mom and Dad get odd look on their faces. Dad wonders if there isn't a street corner he could hang out on instead.

Calvin asks Dad how a light bulb works. Dad says magic. Calvin reminds Dad that's how he told Calvin a vacuum cleaner works. Dad says both are magic. Calvin is skeptical. He says he thinks Dad just doesn't know how they work. Dad tells him not to believe him, who's been around a lot longer than Calvin. Calvin turns on the light for Mom and tells her it's magic. She tells Calvin that's not magic.

Mom asks Calvin to gather the trash. Calvin asks if he's her personal slave. He asks why she can't do it. Mom replies that he can start washing his own clothes, fix his own meals, pick up his own toys, make his own bed, and clean his own messes, day after day after day. Carrying the laundry basket, Calvin says some women just weren't meant to be mothers.

Driving along the road, Calvin tells Dad there is a town coming up. He suggests they just pull off, find a nice motel, and stay there for their vacation. They could swim in the pool, have air conditioning, cable TV, and room service. No one would have to know they didn't camp. Calvin won't tell. He suggests they can go to the store, buy a big fish, take his picture with it, and say they caught it. He asks Dad if they can. Mom thinks that's a good idea. Dad looks at her and tells her not to start.

Dad says it's great to be there. He thinks he'll jump in for a swim. He asks Mom to join him. Mom thinks the lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Dad asks Calvin to join him. Calvin doesn't want to start the week with a little hypothermia. Dad goes in alone. Swimming on the lake, he comments on the best thing about vacations being the family togetherness.

Dad decides that's enough fishing for now. He paddles back to camp. He can't wait for breakfast. He can almost smell the coffee from the canoe. He pulls the canoe up and wonders where everyone is. He yells that there will be some smallmouth bass flopping around in some sleeping bags in a minute or two. Mom looks out her tent and says she likes it when Dad goes off to work in the mornings. Dad says it's 6:30 already. He asks if they're going to waste the whole day.

Calvin plays on the beach. He complains that he's getting sand in his suit, and he doesn't want to sit on the beach. In the water, he complains the water is too cold. On the beach again, he complains that there's too much sun, and he'll get sunburned. Dad tries to put tanning lotion on Calvin, but he complains the lotion makes him greasy and the shirt makes him too hot. Under the umbrella, he complains it's boring in the shade. Walking along the beach with Dad, he complains that he hates walking. His legs are tired, the sand is hot, the water's cold, there's no shade, and he still has sand in his suit. Mom and Dad pick up the beach towels and umbrella. Calvin asks if they're going already.

Late at night, Hobbes sniffs the air in his and Calvin's tent. He's asleep. Calvin tells him he's dreaming and to wake up. Hobbes licks his lips and says some fresh fish would hit the spot. He says there's a nice big one. Calvin is frightened! He holds the flashlight at Mom's tent while she tells him she doesn't care what his clothes smell like. She's not washing anything now.

Dad tries to take a picture of Mom and Calvin eating. Mom says no, because she hasn't washed her hair for three days, and she's covered with bug bites. Dad asks if she doesn't want something to remember the trip by. Calvin doesn't want to remember it. He says he's been trying to forget it ever since they got there. He asks when they're leaving this dump. Dad walks away saying the next time he sees one of those smarmy Kodak commercials, he's going to put an ax through the TV.

As they're packing up to leave, Dad comments on how quickly the vacation went. He thinks after being out there, it will be a shock to go back to civilization. Calvin walks by with his sleeping bag and says he can't wait to get into the car, and crank up the A/C and some tunes. He tells Dad to shake a leg. Dad suggests that some day he'll get his DNA tested to see if Calvin really is his kid.

Sitting on the step of their home, Calvin asks Dad where the sun goes when it sets. Dad says Flagstaff, Arizona. He says that's why the rocks there are so red. Calvin asks if the sun doesn't crush the state when it lands. Dad says no. He holds a quarter in front of the sun and tells Calvin the sun is about the same size. Calvin mentions he thought the sun was really big. Dad tells him he can't believe everything he reads. Calvin asks how the sun can rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night. Dad says it's time for Calvin to go to bed. As Mom tucks Calvin in, he tells her that he hopes someday to be as smart as Dad. Mom asks what Dad told him now.

Dad's going off to work. Calvin says it's a nice day to sit under a tree and read a good book. Calvin says it's too bad that's a luxury at Dad's age. He says maybe Dad can do it when he's 65. Calvin is sure Dad will be there before he knows it. He wishes Dad a good day at work. Calvin walks up to Mom and tells her Dad sure is surly in the mornings.

Calvin tells Mom there is a big horsefly on her head. He tells her not to move. He runs off, goes upstairs, and returns with his plastic dart pistol. He asks if the fly is still there.

Calvin asks Mom if she knew gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface. He explains that heavy matter, like planets sink into the surface, and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is deflected by gravity. Then he adds that he dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when his roller skates slipped. As Mom mops up the mess, she wonders how kids can know so much, yet be so dumb.

The family drives up to the Natural History Museum. Calvin sees the stegosaurus in front. Calvin can't wait to see the dinosaurs and rushes from the car. Mom says it's been a while since they were at the museum. Dad mentions that was at the museum's request. That reminds Mom, who tells Calvin not to bite anyone this time. Calvin is already roaring like a dinosaur.

Mom asks Calvin what kind of dinosaur they're in front of. Calvin tells her it's a stegosaurus. Mom says it looks ferocious, but Calvin tells her it was a plant eater. He tells her the tail spikes were for self-defense. Mom then asks if tyrannosaurs fought them. Calvin tells her of course not. Tyrannosaurs came millions of years later. Calvin walks to the building telling her not to embarrass him when they go inside. Dad wonders why they're going in if he knows everything already.

Calvin points out the museum gift shop to Mom. He wants to buy something, a poster, a book, t-shirts, models. Mom says she doesn't think he needs any more dinosaur stuff. Calvin says it's all educational. Doesn't she want him to learn? Calvin, walks with his dinosaur hat, poster, and book. Hobbes says she sure fell for that one. Calvin wonders if he can get any Batman junk that way.

Mom is on her knees, newspaper on the floor, getting ready to paint the wall. She complains that there are times she hates owning a house because of the maintenance. Painting walls, fixing roofs, spraying trees, it seems like the place is falling apart. She sees Calvin drilling holes in the other wall, and she gives chase. She adds that what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed.

Mom sees Calvin hiding behind a bush and asks what he's doing. He tells her to go away. He's going to throw some crab apples at Susie. Mom tells him no and makes him get rid of the crab apples. She says crab apples are hard and could hurt someone. Susie walks by and sees Calvin behind a bush and asks what he's doing. Calvin tells her to go away. He's going to throw a squishy old tomato at Mom.

Calvin asks Mom if he can look at her wallet. She asks if he cleaned his room. Calvin says he's inventing a robot to make the bed, but he needs a grant. He asks for $50. As Calvin enters the bedroom, Hobbes asks if she gave him the money. Calvin says that when they're the cover story for Popular Mechanics, he'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.

Calvin suggests to Hobbes they give up. They can't figure out how to make a robot. Mom comes over and tells Calvin it's past bedtime. He has to leave his toys for tomorrow. Going up the stairs, Calvin laments they spent all day on it. He thought their robot would save him from making the bed. As they walk into the bedroom, Hobbes tells Calvin that in a way, it did. The bed is still unmade from the morning.

Calvin wakes up excited. It's Saturday! He and Hobbes run for the stairs. No homework, no school. Just cartoons and fun all day long. They bump down the stairs saying to turn on the TV, get out the cereal. Mom asks Dad why he's getting up since it's barely light out. Dad, putting on his pants, says he's going to the office to get some sleep.

Calvin starts to eat his dinner. He holds the food in his mouth. He takes a drink. His cheeks puff out. His eyes get wide. He looks back and forth. He ducks under the table. He looks relieved, and his mouth is empty. Mom tells Dad she wants him to look at that discolored spot on the rug. She says it seems to be getting bigger all the time. Calvin asks if he can leave the table right now.

Mom wakes up to Calvin yelling for her. When she checks on him, he tells her that Hobbes had a bad dream. Mom is angry that Calvin woke her up at 2:00 AM because he thinks his stuffed tiger had a bad dream. Calvin explains that Hobbes dreamed he was hungry and ate them all up. Mom walks back to her room, saying she must be having a bad dream. Calvin asks if she shouldn't make Hobbes a sandwich, just in case.

Mom is looking for her shoes. Dad's putting his tie on, but he hasn't seen them. Mom says they were right there. She's in her dress. Dad says they'll be late. Mom says she can't go anywhere without her shoes and asks Dad to help her look. Calvin is hiding the shoes in the closet. He says they're not leaving he and Hobbes with a baby sitter tonight.

At the restaurant, Mom and Dad are holding hands with wine glasses on the table. Mom says it's nice for them to get out of the house alone together for a change. Dad says it's so nice and quiet, they should do it more often. At home, Rosalyn yells in that she's going to break a window to get in. Calvin, on the phone, tells Chuck that his girlfriend is a psycho. He hopes Charlie isn't making any long-range plans around her.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin says this is fun. All the TV shows they aren't allowed to watch and a bag of cookies each. They hear a slam. Calvin wonders what it is. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified and wonders how she got in. Mom and Dad come up behind Rosalyn. Calvin gulps and decides it's past his bedtime.

Mom drags Calvin while he protests that is was a misunderstanding, an innocent mistake. Mom explains that locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just mean, it was dangerous. She explains that if he had gotten hurt or there was a fire, Rosalyn wouldn't have been able to help him. She tells Calvin to go apologize. Calvin does. Dad adds that he and Mom are sorry too and assures her Calvin will behave himself next time. Rosalyn says an extra five would help there be a next time.

Mom calls into the bedroom asking if Calvin is doing his homework. Stupendous Man recognizes his arch-nemesis, Mom-lady. He doesn't want her to discover his secret identity. He goes into the closet to change back into his alter ego, Calvin. Mom enters the bedroom looking for Calvin. Calvin, in the closet, notices that Stupendous Man's cape has gotten caught in Calvin's zipper. Mom opens the closet to see Calvin standing in his underwear. She says she can tell this is going to be a good one.

Mom asks why he's standing in his closet in his underwear. Calvin says because it was hot. Mom reminds him he's supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin tells her he doesn't have to do it, thanks to Stupendous Man. He explains how Stupendous Man fried the school with a big magnifying glass in space. He's sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Calvin, sitting at his desk reading his homework, grumbles that she'll be in trouble when she gives him his costume back.

Calvin the reptile is in trouble. As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Since it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish. He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie. Mom tells Calvin to leave the thermostat alone and put a sweater on if he's cold. Calvin, slumped on a chair, says he doesn't have the energy.

Calvin can't sleep, he's been thinking. Hobbes asks about what. Calvin wonders what happens if there is no afterlife. That would mean this life is all you get. That would mean he's sitting in bed as precious moments of his all-too-short life disappear forever. Mom wakes Dad asking if he hears the television on.

Calvin can't get to sleep. He tries lying still thinking about how good it feels in bed, how soft the pillow is, how tired he is. That isn't working. He hears someone calling his name. Calvin asks if Mom is awake too. It's time to get up. Calvin says it can't be. It's the middle of the night and he hasn't slept a wink yet. Mom gently shakes Calvin awake. He had been dreaming. Calvin blinks his eyes. As he eats his cereal, he says this is going to be a bad day.

Calvin tells Mom the strangest thing happened to him a few minutes ago. He was suddenly zapped into some sort of space void vortex. He watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of himself from a parallel universe took his place and... Mom asks what he did now. Calvin quickly says it wasn't him.

Calvin asks Dad why old photographs are black and white. He asks if they didn't have color film back then. Dad tells him they did, but the world was black and white then. He says the world didn't turn color until the 1930's. Calvin says that's weird. Dad says truth is stranger than fiction. Calvin then asks why old paintings are in color. If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Dad says a lot of great artists were insane. Calvin asks how they could have painted in color. Their paints would have been shades of gray. Dad says the paints turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. Calvin then asks why old black and white photos didn't turn color. Dad says because they were color pictures of black and white. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes the world is a complicated place. Hobbes says whenever it seems that way, he takes a nap in a tree and waits for dinner.

Calvin pulls his shirt out, then steps into it. He comes downstairs standing in his shirt, with his pants and shoes on his head. Mom tells him he will be late for school. He makes him put his clothes on right. Walking away, Calvin laments that it's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.

Calvin is reading his homework. Suddenly, he flies up into the ceiling. BAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around.

Calvin is ready to jump to the chair. He leaps. The chair pushes over and lands on its back. WHAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around.

Calvin tries to pull the chair upright. Mom comes over and asks if he's getting any homework done, or if he's just ruining furniture. Calvin replies that maybe he's hanging on the chair for dear life.

As Mom picks Calvin up, he tells her his personal gravity reversed its polarity. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he tells her he's been stuck on the ceiling. He couldn't do his homework there. He tells Mom she should be glad it didn't happen outside or he would be sailing through the ionosphere. As Mom puts him in his chair, she tells him she doesn't want to hear any more of his nonsense until he's through with his homework. Calvin tells her not to let him go.

Calvin declares a miracle. His personal gravity is back to normal. Mom's glad to hear it. Calvin says it's a relief to be pulled down instead of up. Mom says she'll check on his progress in a little bit. Calvin sits grumpily looking at his homework. He starts to get larger. He says "uh oh".

Calvin opens the door, and he's normal size in his room. He sits back down at the desk. Mom comes in and asks how his math is coming along. Calvin says he's almost started.

Mom is talking to Calvin, but he's thinking about getting another "discussion" about his study habits and the importance of homework. Calvin continues thinking about how he tried to tell her it's hard to study when one's size suddenly starts increasing. Mom is still talking and gesturing, but Calvin continues thinking about how she says it's all his fault. Mom hasn't been as big as a galaxy, so she doesn't understand how anyone else can be. Calvin thinks Mom is wrapping up, so he starts nodding. Mom tells him she's glad they had this little talk.

Calvin asks Dad when they're going to get a Christmas tree. Dad tells Calvin a little after New Year's. Calvin is shocked. Dad explains that they can go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. Dad continues by saying there's sometimes some tinsel left on the trees, so you don't even have to decorate it. You save time and money. Calvin, horrified, clings to Mom's ankle. Mom asks what Dad told him this time.

Calvin asks what his disgusting dinner is. Mom sets the plate down and tells him it's spider pie. She says he can pick out the big legs and give them to Dad if they're too hairy for Calvin. Calvin looks at the plate. Calvin decides he likes it. Mom says they'll have a quiet dinner for once. Dad says he sure doesn't feel like opening his mouth.

Mom asks why Calvin is still in bed. She's called him three times. Calvin says he's staying in bed until Christmas. He wants tons of loot this year, and he figures his chances of being good improve greatly if he doesn't get up. Mom says that disobeying his mother and missing the bus isn't good, it's bad. As Calvin hops into his clothes, he says that darn Santa has got him every way he turns.

Calvin tells Mom he's making a newspaper to report the events of the household. He's looking for a page one lead story and asks if he can interview her. He asks what she's cutting up for dinner. Mom replies fish. Calvin has the headlines. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family devours victim! Mom shoo's him out of the kitchen.

Calvin gets out of the bathtub wearing a snorkel and mask. He's breathing through the snorkel. He goes out the bathroom door and down the stairs. He's standing there naked telling Mom he wishes they would get an aquarium.

There are snowmen on the yard. One is holding his head, one has three eyes and two noses, one was built around a tree so it looks like the tree sticks up from the snowman, one is cut in half by a smaller snowman on a sled. Mom has her tongue stuck out. Calvin asks if Mom likes his "Snowman House of Horror".

Calvin asks Mom how cold it is outside. Mom suggests he go check. Calvin opens the front door and stands there. Snow starts piling up around him and on his head. He tells Mom he'd say it's pretty darn cold. Mom is ready to wring his neck and says she wants to show him an interesting gadget that's hanging outside the window.

The duplicate walks by Mom dressed to go outside. Mom asks if he cleaned his room like she asked him to. The duplicate tells her that he's going outside and that Calvin can clean his own room. Mom doesn't want any nonsense and tells him to go upstairs. As he walks away, he says he's Calvin's duplicate. Calvin is upstairs. Mom gets angry and tells him to go to his room. The duplicate says she's a crabby lady. He asks if she's Calvin's cruel governess.

Calvin and Hobbes leave the bedroom to look for the duplicate. Mom is putting a coat on the duplicate, who keeps telling Mom that he's not Calvin. He says Calvin is in his bedroom. Mom opens the bedroom door and shows there is no one there. She tells him no more games and to clean his room. Calvin is getting his coat on to check outside for the duplicate. Hobbes says they better hurry. He hears Mom coming down the stairs.

Calvin asks Dad to play outside in the snow with him. Dad is doing paperwork, so he can't play. Dad keeps working, but it's hard to concentrate. He looks out the window, then at his papers. He gets up and joins Calvin outside. They build a snowman together. That night, Dad is again working on his papers, but Mom holds Calvin up so he can give Dad a goodnight kiss on the head.

Mom sees Calvin outside. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies no. Mom brings him inside and says she did tell him to clean the room. She says she's losing patience for this game. Calvin tells Hobbes she must have seen his duplicate. They go to find the duplicate before he can cause any more trouble. In the bedroom, another duplicate walks out of the duplicator. Number two introduces himself to number three.

Mom tells Calvin not to eat cookies before dinner. She asks if he cleaned his room yet. The reply is that he's not Calvin, he's a duplicate. Mom storms off saying "some days that kid of mine". She sees Calvin in the living room watching TV. She asks what he's doing in there. The reply is "are you taking a survey".

Dad gets home, and Calvin says hi. Dad replies, and another Calvin comes by to say hi. Dad says that he already told him hi. Another Calvin says hi, and Dad tells him to knock it off. Mom tells Dad that he should have a talk with Calvin. He's been driving her crazy.

Mom, Dad, and Calvin are walking outside. Calvin complains that his toes are numb. Dad tells him numb toes build character. Calvin asks if frostbite, hypothermia, and death build character too. He says this is the worst day of his life. He says it seems like they've been walking for hours. Mom asks him to quit griping. Calvin says he's not griping. He's just observing what a miserable experience this walk is. He complains that as long as he's trudging hundreds of miles for no apparent reason, he might as well do it in silence. He continues ranting about being in the elements like a complete idiot, watching his digits turn to ice and fall off. They finally get home. Calvin grabs his toboggan and runs to play.

Calvin asks the duplicates what they've done now. They tell him to hide, because Mom is on the warpath. All the duplicates hide under the duplicator box when Mom comes in. Calvin smiles and tries to look innocent while Mom asks him to explain his behavior. From under the box, Calvin hears whispered a request to have a bigger allowance. Five times bigger. Calvin asks if he can get back to her on that issue.

Calvin tells Mom he won't be getting into trouble anymore. Calvin again explains that he made duplicates of himself, and it was the duplicates who were bad. Calvin shows her that he transmogrified them. He holds his hands open, showing the worms. Mom yells for him not to carry worms through the house. She sends him outside. Calvin digs a hole to put the worms in. He tells them they got him in trouble one last time. He hopes they're happy. The worms ask if he doesn't want to put them on Dad's dinner plate tonight before they go.

Calvin comes back inside, telling Mom he missed the bus. He tells her if she hurries, they can jump in the car, zoom up and pass the bus, drop him at a later stop, and he can ride the bus from there. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Calvin runs up to her asking what she's waiting for. He tells her to rev up the car. Calvin, walking down the sidewalk, says Mom's so lazy.

Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. Calvin asks to watch the next TV program. Mom tells him he needs his sleep. Calvin begs for another fifteen minutes of TV watching. Then he tries asking for ten, and finally five minutes. Mom tells him to turn off the TV. Calvin says he'll just watch a few more commercials. He points out his favorite gum commercial just coming on. In bed, Calvin guesses that got pretty pathetic.

Eating breakfast, Calvin remembers that it's "show and tell" day. Mom asks why he can't think of these things more than two minutes before the bus arrives. Calvin runs off saying he has to take something. As he runs, he sneezes into his hands. He tells Mom never mind, and he asks if they have any plastic bags. Mom, sitting reading the newspaper, repeats over and over "I don't want to know".

Calvin is eating and tells Mom that the pudding was great. He wants to take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes. Mom says he's had enough. Calvin clarifies that he was going to give it to Hobbes. Mom says Hobbes doesn't need any pudding. Mom says tigers need to stay lean and mean. Calvin explains to Hobbes that's what Mom said. Hobbes checks his torso and says he's lean and mean. He tells Calvin to tell Mom the chocolate pudding makes his coat lustrous.

Calvin wants to know why he has to go to school. He asks why he has to learn, why can't he stay the way he is. He wonders why things have to be this way, why can't they be different. As Mom pushes him out the door, she says life is full of mysteries. Calvin realizes that at 7:00 AM, Mom isn't very philosophical.

Calvin is watching TV, and Mom tells him he can't watch anymore TV until his homework is finished. Calvin says it's getting done. Hobbes is reading his book for him. Calvin explains that he'll watch TV, Hobbes will tell him what the book was about, then Calvin will tell Hobbes what the TV show was about. They're doing twice as much in the same amount of time. Calvin walks back into the bedroom. He tells Hobbes that Mom said Hobbes should watch the TV and Calvin should read the book. Hobbes says he only likes nature documentaries.

Calvin wakes up at night and yells for Mom to bring him a glass of water. Mom says it's after midnight and that he should get the drink himself. Calvin replies there are monsters under his bed and that he's scared. Mom says okay. Mom turns on the light to bring the water, and Calvin sees Mom with her hair all messed up and eyes partially closed. He is horrified and yells "AAUGH".

At the grocery store, Mom asks if Calvin, er, she means Hobbes, wants any tuna fish. Calvin tells her that Hobbes stopped eating tuna fish, because they kill dolphins to get it. Mom asks what Hobbes likes now. Calvin tells her fresh swordfish steaks, grilled outside. Mom asks about peanut butter.

Mom hands Calvin some clean clothes. She asks him to put them away. Calvin says the underwear and socks aren't pressed. He says she didn't finish ironing. Mom tells him if he wants his underwear ironed, he can do it himself. Calvin angrily asks what kind of mother she is. Calvin says she should take more pride in her work, as he jams the clothes into an overflowing drawer.

Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes is reading his comic books. He wants her to stop Hobbes. He says he told Hobbes to get his own comic books, but Hobbes snarled at him. Mom says he should be glad Hobbes is more literate than most stuffed animals. Calvin complains that they're his comics. Mom tells him he should learn to share. She doesn't think Hobbes will hurt them. Calvin throws up his hands in frustration. He tells Mom that Hobbes drew glasses and a mustache on every picture of Nuke-Man last issue...in pen. Mom tells Calvin to go play outside.

Calvin asks Mom where they keep the extension cords. Mom tells him in the pantry, bottom shelf. Calvin then asks where they keep the blades for Dad's electric saw. Mom asks why he wants to know. Calvin tells her he's making an inventory list so he'll always know where to find things. He walks off saying he gets the feeling there was no right answer to that question.

Mom is looking for Calvin. She checks under his bed and yells for him to come out from where he's hiding and to take a bath. She yells that she means NOW! She sees Calvin and is horrified. He yells for him to get off the rug. Calvin, sitting in the bathtub, is black from head to toe. Calvin tells Hobbes it's not his fault Mom hasn't gotten the chimney swept.

Calvin runs around happily, saying he saw the first robin of spring. He figures he'll get a front-page write up in the paper, a commemorative plaque, and a civic ceremony. He wonders if he should put the money in a trust fund or spend it all at once. Mom gets his attention. Calvin is sitting under a tree with Hobbes. Calvin tells him it's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in. Hobbes tells him to cheer up. He asks if he told Calvin that he saw a robin yesterday.

Mom tells Calvin he'd better go to bed. Calvin wants to read a little more. Mom says they don't want him to get too smart. Calvin is puzzled. Dad explains that if Calvin were smarter, he might realize...his parents are really bug-eyed aliens from Neptune! They rip their masks off, and Calvin runs away. They grab him, get batter ready, and dunk him. They say there's nothing like a fresh batch of earth boy waffles. Calvin wakes up. He says he wasn't asleep and isn't tired. As Mom and Dad carry Calvin to bed, Mom notices Calvin's face was pushed into Dad's leg so hard, it left corduroy lines.

Mom asks Calvin how he could get so dirty at school. Calvin tells her it wasn't from school that he got dirty. He says Hobbes was waiting for him. Mom tells him to take a bath. Calvin protests because it's the middle of the afternoon. As Mom pushes Calvin toward the bathroom, she says she has to take a shower so Dad can take one when he gets home. Calvin wonders if there's some epidemic going around. Mom reminds Calvin that she told him that morning that she and Dad were going out that night. Rosalyn will be watching him tonight. Calvin is horrified.

Calvin yells in anguish throughout the entire strip. Mom tries to explain to Calvin that she knows he doesn't like Rosalyn, but she's the only person they could get. Mom reminds Calvin she wants him on his best behavior. She tells him to do whatever Rosalyn says to, because she doesn't want to hear any horror stories when they return. Mom tells Calvin to take a breath before he passes out on the floor.

Mom invites Rosalyn in. Dad says Calvin will be on his best behavior, but Rosalyn asks for an advance. Dad isn't sure about that. Mom asks to speak with Dad. Dad tells her Rosalyn asked for an advance on tonight when she left last time. Mom tells him she doesn't care. She tells Dad to pay what it takes to get them out of there.

Stupendous Man is out the door. Rosalyn yells out that his parents told him to behave. She says they're not going to be happy when they hear about this. Mom and Dad are in the restaurant. Dad says that if they had bought a dog like he wanted, they could go out like this all the time. Mom says they came to relax and should talk about something else.

Spaceman Spiff lands on Planet Gorzarg-5. He sets off across the desolate terrain in search of help. In the distance, methane clouds rain sodium hydroxide, a caustic alkali. The downpour was too heavy for the ground to absorb. A steaming river of corrosive liquid rushes toward our hero. Spiff scrambles to higher ground, but the flood continues to rise. Our hero is trapped. How could things get worse? Calvin is leaning across the bathtub as Mom tells him to just get in.

Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to explain what happened tonight. He tells her he put on his pajamas at 8:00, brushed his teeth, and went straight to bed. Mom asks about the note Rosalyn left. Calvin says she made him write it up to get him in trouble. He says Rosalyn hates kids. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin "Nice try, Pinocchio". Calvin asks who would've thought Rosalyn would make him write a full confession.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go out to the highway. Calvin wants to put on his roller skates, tie a rope around himself to the car bumper, and skate along behind at 55 mph. Calvin asks again if they can go. Up on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes Hobbes could drive.

Dad asks what story Calvin wants tonight. He wants a story about Hobbes and him. Dad starts making up a story about them getting up at the crack of dawn, making a huge ruckus, running up and sliding down the stairs. Calvin adds about the Big Bad Dad yelling at them and saying he'd mail them to Pluto third class if they didn't knock it off. Dad continues that Calvin went to rot out his innards with chocolate cereal and rot his brain watching cartoons. Calvin doesn't want editorials. Dad continues that Calvin and Hobbes went outside, and it was nice and quiet in the house for a while. He tells Calvin good night. Calvin complains that's not the end. Dad gives Calvin a kiss and says he's right. That isn't the end of the story. The story doesn't have an end. He and Hobbes will write more of it tomorrow and every day after. But for now, it's time to sleep. Calvin says that was a good story. Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a good night.

Mom asks why they're coming back inside. Dad tells her a ground ball bounced up and hit Calvin in the nose. Calvin, still talking through a clogged nose, says his own Dad tried to kill him. His nose is bleeding. Mom tells him to hold his head back and use some tissues. Calvin says he's not playing baseball again. Dad says they can forget about having a millionaire baseball player supporting them in their old age. Calvin holds the tissues to his nose saying all his character is dripping out his nose.

Calvin looks at his food and pokes it. It grabs a knife, and they fight. Calvin knocks the knife away. The food garbs a spoon, scoops itself and hits Calvin with it. SPLAT! Calvin runs away. Mom puts her hand on her head in frustration, while Calvin says not to blame him. He was the one who said they should call for a pizza.

Calvin is watching a nature show on TV. The show talks about the mother bird, having eaten her fill, returning to the nest to regurgitate the worms to feed her hungry brood. Calvin is startled. At the dinner table, he looks at the plate of food Mom gives him with distrust.

Calvin asks Mom if she felt anything funny when she got dressed that morning. She asks what he means. He explains something tickly or scratchy. Something like a bite or sting. She asks what he has behind his back. Calvin hands her a flyswatter and bug spray, saying she might want those. He runs off. Dad sees Mom changing her clothes and comments on women always doing that. Mom says that after she gets that kid, he's next.

Sitting at his table doing homework, Calvin says he doesn't want to do it. He wants to have fun. He runs off, and is sitting in his wagon with Hobbes when Mom comes out and stands over them. Back at his table, Calvin complains that too much stress is unhealthy. Hobbes, slumped beside him, says he doesn't see why he had to come in.

Calvin dreams he is flying when his alarm clock goes off. Mom has Calvin get out of bed. He stands in the rain waiting for the school bus. He's bored at school while a duck quacks outside. He doesn't like his lunch. Moe extorts money from him. He gets an "F" on a paper. He walks home in the rain. Hobbes pounces on him and hugs him. Mom, picking up his wet clothes, asks if Calvin had a good day. Calvin, carrying Hobbes, says it's getting better.

Armed with a flyswatter, Calvin chases a fly in the house. He swats it in mid-air, then picks it up. Mom tells him she will not take a picture of him holding his kill.

Mom is filling the shopping cart with groceries. She carries the three bags of food. She has pots and pans all over the kitchen preparing dinner. She serves a plate to Calvin, who says it looks like compost. Later, sitting at the table alone with his food, Calvin says Mom doesn't appreciate him.

On Planet Zark, Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft sits empty. The rocks are charred with death ray blasts. A struggle has taken place. Only the tracks of a sinister alien leave the scene. What has happened to Spiff? Mom is pushing Calvin into the school bus. She tells him this is humiliating. Calvin doesn't want to go.

Mom is surprised to see Calvin at home. It's not even noon yet. Calvin tells her they were let out early due to a gas leak. Mom wonders if the school knows he left. She says she's going to call the school. Calvin tells her no one is there. Everyone was evacuated. Mom calls anyway. Spiff hadn't counted on running into a Zark enforcer ship. Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught.

Calvin asks Mom if she wants to see something neat. With his can of soda, he can burp for almost ten seconds straight. Mom doesn't think so. Calvin adds that at the same time, he'll recite a gross limerick he heard at school. Later, Hobbes wonders if it would have mattered if he recited the Gettysburg Address. Calvin says his talents are wasted on her kind.

Calvin shows Hobbes he has a baby tooth that's hanging on by a thread. Hobbes cringes. Calvin tells Mom that he can turn it all the way around with his tongue. Mom covers her mouth with her hands. Calvin shows Dad he can move the tooth from side to side. Dad covers his eyes and sticks his tongue out. Calvin looks in a mirror and says they're all just jealous.

At the dinner table, Calvin says "Look" and points to the side. When Mom looks over, Calvin dumps his dinner onto Mom's plate. Mom says she didn't see anything. Calvin tells her she missed it, and he's done eating. Dad looks over and asks what Calvin saw. Mom looks at her heaping plate and says "an opportunity".

Calvin tells Mom he doesn't feel so good. Mom agrees that he doesn't look good. She feels his forehead. Calvin says summer vacation started, and he can't be sick. Mom tells him she's going to get the thermometer. Calvin yells out that he refuses and that he hates thermometers. Mom puts one in his mouth. Calvin doesn't believe her when she says it takes two hours to register. Mom tells him to be nice and quiet, and she'll check on him in the afternoon.

The doctor tells Mom that Calvin has chicken pox. Calvin asks if he's a veterinarian. The doctor says it will run its course in about a week. Calvin complains that the doctor is mad. He accuses him of having the real doctor tied up and gagged in the other exam room. The doctor says Calvin is extremely contagious, so he needs to be kept from other kids. Calvin wants Mom to sue him and drive up his malpractice insurance. Horrified, Mom repeats that Calvin has to be inside for a week. The doctor notices a nasty twitch Mom has developed. Calvin offers, for ten dollars, to make sure the doctor sees all the kids in the waiting room again real soon.

Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He asks her if she'd like to come over and play. Susie says he's never invited her before. In the background, Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. He tells her to go away. Mom says he's contagious and can't have anyone over to play. Calvin says she's spoiling the whole thing. He was trying to trick Susie into catching his bug. The phone hangs up. Susie calls to her Dad to see if there's any chance of him transferring.

Hobbes asks if Calvin is absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox. Calvin says yes. Hobbes isn't so sure, so he shows his claws to Calvin. Calvin wakes Mom up to ask if she's absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox.

Calvin shows Mom his chicken pox are going away. He tells Mom to remember that this week doesn't count. Mom asks what he means. He says summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. So he gets to go to school a week later to get his full allotment of vacation. Calvin and Hobbes are looking at a book. Calvin asks what the next amendments says. He knows it's in there someplace.

At the dinner table, Calvin asks to be excused to watch a TV program. Mom says they're still eating. Calvin says he's finished. He says the stuff was awful, and he wants to watch television. Mom explains that it's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. Calvin asks if he's just supposed to sit there and watch them chew. Mom tells him his television show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. Calvin offers a compromise of watching a sitcom family. Angrily, Dad says that in a minute, Calvin's going to discover the difference between those and real life.

Calvin says his TV show is starting. Dad is sure Calvin's instinct for survival will kick in soon. Calvin wants to know what the big deal is about dinner. He says lots of people watch TV while they eat. Dad tells him that dinner is the one meal a day they set aside to be together and talk. He says there's more to being a family than just being in the same house. They need to interact once in a while. Calvin says they could argue about what channel to watch.

Grumpily, Calvin says he's missed half his show. He hopes Mom and Dad are happy. Dad says he shouldn't be planning his life around the TV anyway. Dad says he doesn't think it's too much to ask that they sit together 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. The phone rings, and Mom goes to get it. She says she's expecting a call. Calvin tells Dad to go ahead. He thinks Dad was saying something funny. Dad says he has all these great genes, but they're all recessive. That's the problem here.

Calvin and Hobbes are tumbling, drawing pictures, chasing a frog, in their treehouse, playing baseball, reading comic books, swinging, playing treasure hunt, and playing in the sandbox. Mom asks Calvin to empty a bag into the garage trash can. Calvin complains some vacation this summer is.

Calvin runs up to Mom and asks if she knows where he and Hobbes have been. She says she saw him playing in a cardboard box out back. Calvin says that's what it looked like, but they really time-traveled to the Jurassic period and returned at the split second they left. That's why it didn't look like they left. He says they saw lots of dinosaurs. He asks if Mom will take some film to be developed. He'll pay her back when Time magazine coughs up for his story.

A quetzalcoatlus swoops over the tyrannosaurus. The tyrannosaur lunges and brings down the flying pest. The commotion draws other tyrannosaurs, greedy for an undeserved piece. Mom asks Calvin for a piece of chicken at the picnic table. Calvin whisks the plate away, saying it's all his. Driven away by the roaring and gnashing of the intruders, the tyrannosaur nurses a deep grudge. Revenge will soon be his.

Calvin asks Mom what parts of people they would eat if they were cannibals. Calvin wants to know where the steaks would be, if legs would be like drumsticks, and if kids would be like veal. Mom scoots him away telling him to be disgusting somewhere else. Calvin grumbles that some people just don't have inquisitive minds.

Calvin walks up to his bike asking if it would like some oil. Calvin jumps at the bike, saying it's going to the scrap heap. The two struggle. Mom is cleaning Calvin, who's all scarred and dirty. Dad says he never got his face caught in the chain when he was learning to ride a bike. Mom asks Calvin what really happened. Calvin insists he already told her.

In bed, Calvin says he hates his stupid bike. He's never going to ride one as long as he lives. He hears a creak. His bicycle comes out of his bedroom closet. Calvin shouts that the bike has been lying in wait and is coming to get him. He yells for help. Mom comes to his room and holds Calvin close. Calvin tells her that he told her it's trying to kill him. She says it was just a dream, but she asks why he brought his bike upstairs to his closet.

Mom asks Calvin to take a garbage bag to the garage. He asks if she's mad. He says that's where his killer bicycle is. He says it will jump him. Mom doesn't want any nonsense and sends him to take the garbage. In the garage, the bicycle is growling at Calvin. Calvin, back pressed against the wall, wonders how far from home his savings will get him.

Calvin runs up to Hobbes telling him he put the stick in the bicycle's spokes. Calvin says when it tried to chase him, it flipped over. Calvin says he then wrestled it to exhaustion and let the air out of its tires. He says that nasty ol' thing won't be coming after him anymore. He says they're too smart for it. Mom notices Dad putting training wheels on Calvin's bicycle. Dad says he pumped up the tires. They were both flat.

Calvin opens the vacuum cleaner and removes the dirt bag. He cuts it open, and dirt pours out on the floor. Mom yells at him. Sitting on the porch step, Calvin wonders how he's supposed to learn surgery if he can't dissect anything.

Dad gets the morning paper and notes that he always rushes off and never takes time to enjoy days like this. He has his coffee and says he'd like to have a quiet day around the house. He could read a book, go on a bike ride, spend time with Calvin. He thinks about taking the day off. Calvin runs by. Mom runs by, head covered with shampoo. She yells for Calvin to get back there and pick up every dead bug he put in her shampoo. Dad watches all this. Later, he is sitting at his desk whistling.

Great thunder clouds pile high into the sky. There's a blinding flash of light. It's Calvin the lightning bolt. The bolt heads toward the house. In a fraction of a second, the house will be in a million pieces. Mom picks Calvin up. He drops his saw as Mom tells him that she knows it's raining, but that he should play a board game or something.

Calvin hops out of bed saying every day is the same old thing. He takes his pajama top off and says "but not today". He walks out the door naked as Mom chases him down. In his room, he puts on his clothes saying everybody's a slave to routine.

Calvin asks Mom if he can get contact lenses. Mom tells him his eyes are fine, and that he doesn't need them. Calvin tells her they have some that change the color of your eyes. Mom says his eyes are pretty the way they are. Calvin tells her with contacts, he could make one eye red and the other yellow striped like a bug. Sitting on a log with Hobbes, Calvin says it seems once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

Mom and Dad sleepily open Calvin's bedroom door. He is sitting in bed with a pair of drums and a horn. He asks them if he has to have a reason for everything.

Mom is standing on the top of the ladder grabbing Calvin, who's standing on the roof. He has a bungee cord around his waist. He tells Mom she's acting like he isn't even wearing a bungee cord.

Calvin tells Mom he's bored. Mom points out it's a beautiful summer day. She says he has all outdoors to pay in. She tells him to use some imagination. Calvin walks off, scratches his head, then gets an idea. He grabs a pail, goes to the pond to fill the pail with water, then douses Mom with the water. Calvin, sitting on his bed, says his upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.

Mom and Dad are talking at the table. Mom says she sometimes feels their life has gotten too complicated, they've accumulated more than they need, they've accepted too many demands. Dad quotes Thoreau saying "simplify, simplify". He suggests maybe they need to do that. Mom asks how. Calvin walks by, and Mom and Dad look at him. Calvin says he hates it when they look at him that way.

Mom tells Calvin she asked him to clean his room. Calvin says he did. Mom says if he did, it wasn't a good job. The room looks as messy as it did before. She tells him he should take pride in what he does. Calvin, standing in his messy bedroom, says he doesn't need to do a better job. He needs better P.R. on the job he does.

Calvin, the airline pilot, awaits takeoff. Ignoring the control tower, Calvin guns the engines and passes the other planes. He opens the throttle. Stewardesses are hurled to the rear of the plane. Calvin takes off ahead of schedule. He notices another plane had received clearance to land. It's headed for the same runway. It looks like a mid-air collision over a crowded super highway at rush hour. Mom returns to the car, telling Calvin thanks for waiting so patiently. Calvin, playing with his toy airplanes, says he could wait even longer if she'd buy him a third plane.

Mom tells Calvin he can't read comic books until he's finished his homework. Calvin says he is finished. Mom asks if he did a good job, since it didn't take very long. Calvin tells her that when you're as far ahead of the class as he is, it doesn't take long. Mom says she'll see about that when she gets back from her parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. Shocked, Calvin says she doesn't need to bother going. He says Miss Wormwood said he was so good, she didn't have to go.

Dad asks Mom how the meeting went with Calvin's teacher. Mom saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in art class. The pictures were left on their desks so parents would recognize their child's seat. Dad asks if Mom found Calvin's picture. She says she saw one picture with a green kid with fangs, six eyes, and a finger up his nose. She says the meeting went downhill from there.

Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door. He is startled and says he didn't finish packing. He says everything Miss Wormwood said about him is a lie. He says she hates little boys. Calvin asks if she told her about the noodles. He says it wasn't him. No one saw him. He was framed. Mom asks what noodles. Calvin says she must have heard wrong, he didn't say noodles.

Mom asks how the math lesson is going. Dad thinks pretty well. Dad explains that he took pennies and showed how adding or subtracting them changed how much money he had. Mom hopes Calvin will do better in class now. Dad thinks he will. He says Calvin was having fun with it by the end. Calvin tells Hobbes to give him another five cents and they'll see what he has.

Walking along, Calvin notices leaves rustling in the tree above. Hobbes jumps down and pounces on him. They fight, and Hobbes runs off. Calvin walks home. When he opens the door, Hobbes attacks again. Calvin crawls into the house. Mom opens the door to his room and asks what the big surprise is. Calvin, hiding behind her legs, says to try his closet.

Calvin goes up to Mom telling her he has his own TV show. He sings his jingle about amazing Calvin, the one you'd like to meet, the one who can't be beat. Calvin thanks the audience. Mom wants to change the channel. Calvin tells her he's on all the networks.

Calvin says it's 8:00, and they have to go to bed already. Calvin complains someone is always running his life. He never gets to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what he would do if he could stay up. He says something fun, like whatever Mom and Dad get to do. Mom and Dad are asleep in their living room chairs, snoring.

Calvin complains that everyone takes him for granted. He asks if it's too much to ask for an occasional token gesture of appreciation. Mom offers a big hug. Calvin wants 20 dollars. After Mom leaves, Calvin continues complaining that he doesn't matter to anyone. Nobody cares about him.

Calvin says he stands firm in his belief of what's right. He refuses to compromise his principles. Mom comes over to him. Calvin, in the bathtub, says he doesn't need to compromise his principles. They don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to him anyway.

Calvin shows Mom a mask he made. She asks if it's for Halloween. Calvin tells her it's for every day. Since Hobbes sneaks up and attacks him from behind, Calvin can wear the mask on the back of his head. Hobbes won't know which way he's facing, so he can't sneak up. Mom says his train of thought is a runaway.

Calvin's dinner grabs his drink and splashes him with it. While Calvin coughs, the dinner jumps up from its plate and hits Calvin in the face. He chases and grabs the dinner. Mom sees him on the table, food in hand, with cups and bowls scattered on the table. Mom clenches her teeth in anger. Calvin places an emergency call to the local Navy recruitment office.

Calvin puts leaves in his lunch bag, then draws a face on it. He puts his shoes and coat around the bag and sets the bag on the porch. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on the lunch bag. After he comes inside, Mom looks at the bag and says there's no point in saving his lunch bag if he can't keep it any cleaner than that. Calvin says that's what she thinks.

Tranquil Mt. Calvin blows sky high. He's a live volcano. Molten lava sprays into the heavens. Calvin is frantically drinking water at the dinner table. Dad tells him he warned him the chili sauce was hot. Mom says he spewed it all across the table.

Calvin is yawning, making odd faces, frowning, making pucker faces, sticking his tongue out, sticking his finger in his nose, lifting the ends of his mouth, and pulling his face. Dad and Mom are looking at pictures. Dad says that's their son. Mom says these pictures will remind them of more than they want to remember.

Calvin asks Mom if they have a shoe box for a school project. Mom gets him one. Calvin is going to make a diorama. They're studying different ecosystems, and Calvin's making a desert scene. Calvin adds that he'll some glue and paper. He's going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. Mom asks when it's due. Calvin tells her today, but Calvin told the teacher he wasn't quite finished.

Calvin asks Mom for some papier-mache. Mom says they don't have any. Calvin wonders how he's supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache. Mom says he should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. Calvin asks how he'll make one. Mom tells him it's his project, he should do the work. Calvin tells her that if he gets a bad grade, it will be her fault for not doing the work for him.

Calvin complains to Mom that the sandwich she made him for lunch had the jelly soaking into the bread. That grosses him out. He tells Mom tomorrow he wants the jelly in a separate container with a knife so he can spread the jelly at the last moment before he eats the sandwich. He continues to complain Mom uses bread from the middle of the loaf. He likes those for toast. He wants end pieces for sandwiches, because they don't absorb as much jelly. He asks if she's got that. The next day, Calvin opens his lunch to see his sandwich is the same as before. Calvin complains that she did it again.

Mom sees that Calvin has made his bed without being asked. Hobbes comments that Mom is sure nice when Calvin helps her. He says that's the reason he usually doesn't. Calvin wants Mom to be impressed when he fulfills the least of his obligations.

Dad asks Mom if she's seen his glasses. He can't find them. Calvin comes out wearing Dad's glasses and has his hair slicked down. Calvin puts his arms on his hips and tells Dad "Calvin, go do something you hate. Being miserable builds character". Mom falls off the chair laughing. Dad tells her the voice was a little funny, but that's one darn sarcastic kid they're raising.

Hobbes crouches, then leaps into the air onto Calvin. Later, Calvin walks by Mom. He's wearing a football helmet and has pillows tied in front and in back of himself. Mom thinks those child psychology books they bought were such a waste of money.

Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes are off to the North Pole. Mom asks why he's going there since he's sent his Christmas list already. Calvin is afraid Santa hasn't considered Calvin's version of certain recent events. Mom asks just how recent are these recent events he's talking about. Calvin says it's a long walk, so he has to go.

Calvin comes back in the house saying he proved how good he was. He says Susie hit him with a snowball, and he didn't hit her back. He figures Santa has to give him lots of presents now. Mom asks why Susie hit Calvin with a snowball. Calvin says they were minding their own business when she attacked for no reason. Hobbes tells Calvin that since he lied, if he does something good fast, the last hour will even out to neutral. Calvin laments that he won't make it three more days.

Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Dad says the shopping is done, presents are wrapped, and Calvin is in bed. Dad says sometime the season seems out of control. They don't always think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mom says it's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. Calvin walks up with a fire extinguisher. He asks if this is Santa flambe.

Calvin runs inside, gasping for air. Calvin tells Mom he built the snowman, but then he brought it to life. Now, the snowman is after Calvin. Calvin tells Mom to look out the window. Mom looks and sees the snowman on the front step. She asks how they'll get out the door. Horrified, Calvin says he's looking in and now knows where he lives.

Mom yells for Calvin to come inside, it's late. Calvin replies that he has to stay to kill snow goons. Mom says he can kill them after school tomorrow. Calvin warns there will be more of them then. Mom tells Calvin to come in. As he heads to the house, Calvin says that Moms and reason are like oil and water.

In bed, Calvin asks Hobbes if he sees any snow goons outside. He says they're still making more. There are about fifteen now. Calvin doesn't think he'll even make it to the bus stop tomorrow. He is sure the snow goons will catch him. Mom kisses Calvin good night. Calvin asks her if he can bring an ax to school tomorrow....for show and tell.

Calvin and Hobbes quietly come down the stairs, saying "Shh" to each other. They get dressed to go outside, saying "Shh" to each other. They leave the house, saying "Shh" to each other. Mom and Dad are startled awake by Calvin yelling for the snow goon to die.

Mom and Dad get out of bed. Mom sees Calvin outside with the garden hose. Dad runs outside yelling for Calvin to come inside. He slips on the ice created by Calvin's watering and slides across the yard. Calvin runs off with Hobbes while being chased by Dad, who is covered with snow. Calvin yells that Dad is a snow goon, too.

Dad carries Calvin into the house. Calvin says he can explain. He tells Mom that he had to freeze the snow goons or they would have gotten him. Dad tells Calvin it's after midnight. He says they'll discuss it very thoroughly tomorrow. He sends Calvin to bed. Wide-eyed, Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to get any sleep now.

Calvin explains to Mom and Dad how the snow goons were building an army. He asks if they see. He explains he had to freeze them while they were sleeping. He asks if they see. He says it all makes sense. He asks if they see. Mom and Dad just look at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes they never see.

Spaceman Spiff crashes on Planet Plootarg. He sets off in search of a service station. He sees the Zarches have followed him to the planet's surface to finish him off. The planet's soft, granular ground makes him easy to track. He runs backwards, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction. By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, Spiff fools the aliens. Calvin, up in a tree, looks down at Mom and Dad. They're yelling that it's time to go in. Dad says he knows Calvin went this way, and that they'll find him.

There is a snowman with a hole shot in him from a cannon behind. There is a snowman with a shovel, looking at the ground where the head of another snowman lies. Calvin has another snowman on a chair with a noose around its neck. Looking out the kitchen window, Dad tells Mom that she has to admit it's slowed down the traffic on their road.

Calvin is still in bed when Mom tells him to get up or he'll be late for school. Calvin sits up and informs Mom that his spirit is going to school while his body stays in bed. Later, Calvin is tossed out the door. Standing on the corner, Calvin grumpily says now his spirit is in bed.

In the bathtub, Calvin plays with a toy ship. He says the ship is going full speed through the dangerous strait. He gets out of the tub and runs out of the bathroom. He comes back with something in his hand. Later, Mom is horrified to see that Calvin has poured ink in the bath water. Calvin tells her the oil tanker crashed.

Calvin is making something in the snow. It looks like a raised zigzag pattern. Mom and Dad look out from the window at Calvin, saying he's been working on it since early that morning. They can't tell what it is. From the window, it doesn't look like anything. From above, we see that Calvin has been making an image of a monster getting ready to bite down on the house.

Stupendous Man drops the snowball, taking advantage of earth's strong gravity. Susie lies on the sidewalk, covered with the snowball. Stupendous Man, sitting on a tree branch above, triumphs. He zooms back to resume his secret identity. Entering the bedroom, Hobbes asks Calvin if he saved the day. Calvin tells him justice reigns once more. From downstairs, one of Calvin's parents yells up that Susie's Mom just called. Calvin is going to be talked to.

Mom is talking to Calvin. She says Susie's mom said Calvin dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. Calvin says it couldn't have been him. He's mild-mannered. Mom crosses her arms and says Susie's mom described the hood and cape she made for Calvin. Calvin says it must have been Stupendous Man, and that Susie probably deserved whatever she got. Mom tells him he could hurt someone that way, and that if she ever hears of anything like this again, she'll take away his costume for good. Hobbes says this sounds like another job for Stupendous Man. Calvin says it actually doesn't sound like quite his type of job.

Mom asks how Calvin's day went. Calvin tells her he got stuck in his snow pants. He says the zipper got covered with ice, he tried to force it, but his mitten got caught. He then tried to take his snow pants off, but he hadn't taken his boots off first. Then the pants got twisted, he fell over, and the teacher had to call two custodians to get him out. He tells Mom he wants to wear them again tomorrow.

Calvin is in front of the class, preparing to read his essay "After School At My House". He starts reading about not minding being chained in the basement, but when the meat is thrown down, the rats outnumber him. Miss Wormwood stops him. That evening, Calvin hands Mom a note to attend another parent-teacher conference. Calvin tells Mom he told Miss Wormwood to expect Mom to deny everything.

In bed, Calvin yells for Mom. He tells her Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. Mom complains that it's two in the morning. Calvin says the first kiss didn't take. After she leaves, Hobbes grumpily thinks that kiss didn't take, either. Calvin tells him to go to sleep.

Mom sees a night stand dumped over with a broken lamp. She yells "Who did this". In his office, Tracer Bullet hears Mom's yell. He knows he has a case. He says the sound of greenbacks slapping across his palms is music to his ears. He's not an opera critic, he's a private eye.

Tracer Bullet keeps two magnums in his desk. One is a gun he keeps loaded, the other a bottle that keeps him loaded. He's a tough guy who people don't want around when they work. They've told him so with blunt instruments. He's a phrenologist's dream come true. Snooping pays the bills, though. Especially Bill, his bookie, and Bill, his probation officer. When the tall brunette opened the door with a case for him (Mom coming into his bedroom fuming), his heart did some calisthenics and took the job.

Tracer says the dame had a case. She was the pushy type. She'd break your heart, or your arms. Mom scoots Calvin to the broken lamp. Tracer looks at the damage and figures she either has a psychotic decorator or someone ransacked the place in a big hurry. Mom asks how Calvin can explain the damage. Calvin thinks the dame was hysterical. They usually are.

Mom asks Calvin what he has to say for himself. Calvin tells Mom he's looking for clues. Tracer realizes it's all a set up. The dame wanted a patsy to pin the crime on. Calvin thinks he doesn't like the way this story is shaping up, so he's decided to write a new ending with his .45 automatic as coauthor.

Tracer introduces the dame to his friend, his gun. His friend is an eloquent speaker. Tracer fires three times, and he leaves the room. Mom has three suction darts on the wall behind her. She rolls up her sleeves. She tells Calvin he's in real trouble now. Calvin runs off.

Calvin approaches Mom, who's sitting on the chair. He's wearing his helmet and cape. Mom asks what's up today. Calvin replies "Nothing so far". When Mom asks what he means by so far, Calvin tells her something could happen today. As he walks away, he adds that if something does happen, he's going to be ready for it. Mom says she needs a suit like that.

Calvin tells Dad he just saw a commercial about a luxury cruise. He asks Dad why they don't take vacations like that. Dad explains vacations are a matter of comparison. He says that they spend weeks in uncomfortable tents so that living in their home seems like a luxury cruise. If his trips are unpleasant, his whole life is a vacation. Calvin goes to see Mom. He clenches his fists together and begs Mom to tell him he's adopted.

At the dinner table, Calvin belches. He applauds himself, saying "Author! Encore!". Mom and Dad glare at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin calls his parents Philistines.

Mom is sitting at the table, reading a paper. Calvin comes in and tells her that he isn't going to school. He informs her that he's staying at home and watching television all day. Later, sitting at his school desk, Calvin says he was apparently misinformed.

Calvin is thirsty. He gets out of bed to go for a drink. He hears a thump. He sees eyes glowing in the dark. He runs down the stairs, yelling for help. He yells that he feels its terrible fangs. He crashes. Mom and Dad wake up and check on Calvin. They turn on the light. Dad says he was sleepwalking again. Mom tells him to go back to bed. He had a nightmare. Calvin looks to see he has Hobbes in his hands. Back in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes it's creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. Hobbes says it's so they can see people sneaking out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.

Calvin walks by Mom. Mom comments on how nice and neat he looks. Calvin says he believes in the importance of good grooming. He says he better get in the tub if he wants to be in bed on time. Mom is stunned. She yells after him "Just what are you up to".

Mom looks in the bathroom. She heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry. The toothpaste cap is on. There's no mess. Mom sees Calvin is in bed. He asks her to look over his homework tonight, so he can correct any mistakes in the morning before school. He thanks her. Later, she reads from a Child Psychology book.

Calvin wishes Mom a good morning. She is shocked to see him up and dressed. She hadn't called him. Calvin says he likes to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. With the extra time, he can review his assignments and be better prepared for class. Mom says she's bracing herself for when the other shoe drops. Calvin tells her not to get up. He'll fix his own breakfast. He asks if they have any prunes.

Calvin says he's made his bed and put his breakfast dishes away. He's off to school. Mom wishes him a good day. Calvin tells her thanks. He says he'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. Mom stands by the door, puzzled. Under his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes this is working out great. Hobbes can't believe Mom thinks that's Calvin.

There is a paw. Calvin sits in the distance, reading a comic book. There is the top of a tiger's back. Calvin is closer, still reading. There is a top view of a tiger's body. Calvin is closer, still reading. A tiger is crouching. Calvin turns around to see Hobbes with fangs bared. Calvin is horrified, and he yells. He clutches Mom's shoulder, while she tells Dad the comic books he reads are too grim. Dad says to look at Calvin twitch. Hobbes is on the floor beneath them.

Calvin tells Mom that as of today, he will no longer respond to the name "Calvin". He wishes to be addressed as "Calvin the Bold". He says that's the new name for the rest of his life. She asks how about Calvin the Deranged. Calvin tells her that Calvin the Bold will begin referring to himself in the third person.

In bed at night, Calvin yells for Mom. When she comes to his room, he asks how ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce. He asks if they're attracted to each other. She yells that it's 3 AM. She tells him to go to sleep. Later, Calvin wonders how people are attracted to each other. Hobbes bets that's why they close their eyes when they smooch.

Mom is shocked to see Calvin hitting rocks in the house. The lamp is broken, and Calvin is holding a bat. She angrily yells what on earth would make him do something like that. Calvin suggests poor genetic material. In bed, he decides that was a bad guess.

Mom says Susie told her he was throwing mushy apples at her. Calvin says they were getting rid of slimy girls. That's their club. Mom says he better stop it. She tells him to come inside. As Calvin climbs down the rope, he says you can tell this is a great club because they always get in trouble following their charter.

Calvin runs along howling. He keeps running, making different sounds. He runs to Mom while still making noise. He tells Mom that's his siren so she knows he's coming. Mom replies kids don't need sirens.

Calvin shouts that his head has gotten twisted around. He's facing backward. He looks down at his shirt, whose tag he can read. He lifts his shirt and sees his belly button. He realizes he must have his shirt on backward. He tells Mom, who's reading the newspaper at the table, that he's got his head on straight after all. Mom says she wouldn't go that far.

A dinosaur poem. The great tyrannosaur lived many years ago, and he epitomized the concept of the killer carnivore. The monster came to town this morning. He lunged into the crowd, and people ran screaming. They tried to get away. People were trampled. Two boys dawdled by the candy shop and were devoured. A camera crew arrived to give a live report. They failed, because they did not live. The menace ate his fill and stomped away. Calvin walks behind Mom's chair, growling and snarling while walking like a dinosaur. The poem ends that no one knows where the next tyrannosaur will be found....except Calvin.

Calvin gives Dad the results of his latest poll. Calvin says Dad has a high name-recognition factor. Sadly, that recognition is due to the fact Dad's policies are universally deplored. Calvin says there is talk about voting him out of office and making Mom "Dad". Dad asks Mom what she knows about this. Mom says her first act will be to make Dad do the cooking. Calvin hastily says that changes everything.

Calvin tells Mom that Dad's calling her. She leaves her chair. Mom comes back. Calvin acts surprised that Dad wasn't calling her. He had put Hobbes on the chair. He tells Mom that Hobbes took her chair. Mom leaves, and Hobbes tells Calvin that he likes his chairs pre-warmed.

Calvin complains that all he is good for is to shovel the walk. He protests about his powerful intellect. He says his budding genius is being squandered. He looks at his hands, saying they're destined to created wonders, yet they're worn to the bone in unfulfilling drudgery. As he walks inside, Mom is vacuuming the floor. Calvin looks at Mom and complains that she better not tell him lunch isn't ready.

Mom yells for Calvin to wake up before he misses the bus. Calvin has a frown on his face. Dad says Mr. Sunshine has finally gotten up. Calvin forces a big, phony smile. He gets his cereal, pours it, and starts to eat. He still has the phony smile. Dad looks at him and says he's only kidding himself. Bedtime will be at 7:00. Calvin frowns and continues to eat his cereal. Dad thinks they should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.

Calvin digs a hole with the shovel. He fills the hole with water from the hose. He jumps in. As he enters the house while covered in mud, he tells Mom it couldn't be avoided.

Mom is reading in her chair. Calvin asks what time it is. Mom tells him to look at the clock and see. Calvin asks what the weather is like outside. Mom tells him to go outside and see. Calvin asks how fast their car can go. Mom starts to tell him to go...she stops. She tells Calvin it was a nice try. Calvin is dejected his plan didn't work.

In the back seat of the car, Calvin asks if they can't go any faster. Dad says he doesn't like to go any faster. Calvin asks if he can drive. Dad pulls over, then switches seats with Calvin. Off they go! They're airborne. Mom and Dad say they should have done this sooner. Calvin says they broke the speedometer. They're passing a jet. Calvin says he likes driving. Calvin sighs. He's in the back seat, asking Dad how much longer it will be.

Calvin asks Dad to look at a commercial on television. He asks why Dad doesn't drive a cool sports car. Dad says that car costs $40,000. Calvin asks why Mom doesn't dress like the babe in the commercial. Dad asks Mom why she doesn't dress like that. Mom informs him his adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants.

Calvin asks Mom if he can buy a Satan-worshipping, suicide-advocating, heavy metal album. Mom explains that since the bands haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice proves they're in it for the money, just like everyone else. She says if someone wants to shock and provoke, be sincere about it. Calvin asks if mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted. She says she's afraid not. Calvin says childhood is so disillusioning.

Calvin tells Mom he'd like to be introduced not as plain "Calvin", but as "Calvin, boy of destiny". He explains she has to pause after "boy", and say "destiny" a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Mom says she thinks she's going to stop introducing him altogether. Calvin wishes she had some cymbals to crash after she said it.

SMASH! Mom runs into the other room to see Calvin with a baseball bat. The chair is knocked over, and the lamp is broken. Calvin says he's a tricky devil, but he'll get him sooner or later. Mom throws Calvin outside. Sitting against a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes apparently he rates just below bugs with Mom. Hobbes says that she complains Calvin doesn't help around the house.

Calvin runs from Mom, saying he doesn't need a bath. He says he'll lick himself clean. He says that's what Hobbes does. He says he's getting clean like him. Later, Calvin is wrapped in a towel, having had a bath. Hobbes looks out from the wash machine, where he, also, has been cleaned. He tells Calvin, "Nice going".

Calvin darts out of the classroom. Spaceman Spiff flees his Bloatoid captors. He scrambles into his spacecraft. He hits the hyper-thrust drive. He's soon just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space. He's free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe. Outside, Hobbes is happy Calvin could come home so early. Calvin suggests they go exploring and find some gross bugs. Inside, Mom answers the phone. The school tells her what happened.

Mom sees a broken vase. She sees bugs on the floor. She races upstairs to Calvin's bedroom. She angrily opens the door. Calvin, with fake nose and glasses asks "who ees thees Kahlveen".

Mom wakes Calvin up. He yawns, gets out of bed and gets dressed. Suddenly, a wind starts blowing his clothes off, rolls him back into bed, and covers him up. Mom comes in complaining he hasn't gotten up. Calvin tries to explain.

At the dinner table, Calvin asks what the dinner is. Mom tells him to try it. He asks if grubs are in it. Mom tells him to try it. Calvin holds his nose and asks if that means he's going to hate it. Mom yells for him to try it. Calvin says she's mad because he broke her code.

Dad says he's going on a bike ride. He stands with his helmet, fanny pack, and riding shorts. Mom chuckles, and Dad asks what's so funny. Dad says he didn't design his outfit, it's practical. Calvin asks how he got his head stuck in a bowling ball. Dad rides off saying, next time he's going to squirt them with his water bottle.

Mom tells Calvin to take a bath, but Calvin says she has no say in the matter. Mom pushes him along. He says his horoscope says circumstances will turn in his favor. He says all human affairs are determined by stars and planets. They say his key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime. In the tub, Calvin says it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe.

Mom chases Calvin to go to school. He complains his horoscope says he's irresistible to girls today. He keeps running, asking what if Susie kisses him. Dad watches all this while reading the paper. Mom catches Calvin and yells for Dad to get his feet while she pries his fingers loose. Dad wonders what it would cost to rent a place in town.

Calvin asks if he can get plastic surgery like all the celebrities do. Mom tells him celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. She says he's fine the way he is. Calvin tells her he wants another eye in his forehead.

Calvin quotes Paul Gauguin to Mom. He asks "whence do we come? what are we? where are we going?" He walks away saying he came from his room, he's a kid with big plans, and he's going outside. Mom looks up puzzled. Calvin asks who Paul Gauguin is anyway.

Calvin stands outside yelling at the skies to stop raining. As the rain intensifies, he says it's man against the elements. It's his wits against nature's force. Calvin yells for the sky to do its worst. He defies nature on behalf of all earthly life. He takes off his clothes and splashes around. He laughs. Then it starts hailing. He yells that's fighting dirty. He runs to the house, yelling that he quits. Mom opens the door for him and says there's an explanation for this, and she doesn't want to hear it. Calvin says the universe has an attitude.

Calvin feels rumbling. He looks outside to see brontosauruses walking past his house. He hops on the head of one and rides off. Calvin, with his stick horse, tells Mom he never gets to do anything really fun. Mom tells him that if he's bored, he can clean his room.

Calvin has a crown and is standing in a treehouse. The maniacal tyrant looks at his pathetic subjects. Their lives mean nothing but labor necessary to execute his mad designs. Mom comes outside and tells Calvin she told him to gather the trash. Calvin carries a trash pail, saying being a parent must be nice.

The Calvins return to 8:30. The Hobbes' give Calvin the story. The 6:30 Calvin and Hobbes are going to return. Mom calls for Calvin. The 8:30 Calvin tells Mom not to come in. He's changing into his PJs.

Mom asks if Calvin wrote his story. He says Hobbes helped, and he had to do a lot of time traveling. Mom asks if the story is written. Calvin says it is, but he hasn't read it.

Calvin, the commercial pilot, decides to see the Grand Canyon...up close. The jet flies into the canyon. Tourists on the rim wave at Calvin's screaming passengers. After pulling out, Calvin says everyone will be glad later that Calvin took the scenic detour. In the car's back seat, Calvin says if he was driving that's where they would go. Mom says Calvin's not driving, and Arizona is not on the way to the grocery store.

At the dinner table, Calvin tells Mom he's donating all the snot he sneezes to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Mom says nobody needs that donated. Calvin keeps eating. He tells her he has a jar for her to wash.

Calvin belches at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin offers "Great diaphragm control". In bed, Calvin says she'll be sorry when he's a famous soloist for the orchestra. Hobbes wonders if Mom thinks his pitch is off.

Calvin, as a fly, zips around the room. He annoys everyone with his incessant whine. He gets into the cookies. He's a menace to sanity and health. He laughs. Later, Calvin walks up to Hobbes while holding his rear. Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says he got swatted.

Calvin offers Mom a great idea for a quarter. He's having an inventory reduction sale. Mom gives him a quarter and asks for the great idea. Calvin tells her to buy some more. Mom says she's getting a great idea. Calvin takes off.

Calvin shows Mom the tiger Hobbes made. She likes it. She wants to put it on the coffee table. Calvin shows her the shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters he made. Mom is grossed out. The tiger goes on the coffee table. Calvin tells Hobbes to gloat now, because some day he'll be richer than Hobbes.

Calvin, the ant, is sick of working all the time. He doesn't want to labor for the colony. He has his own needs and desires. He wants some other sap to do the queen's bidding. Mom walks by with a full laundry basket. She asks why she and Dad should feed and shelter Calvin if he won't help around the house. Calvin, the flea, sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment.

Calvin asks Mom why it would be worth four dollars a minute to talk to ladies wearing their underwear on commercials. Mom asks when he was watching that. Calvin replies during morning cartoons. Calvin walks off lamenting that whenever he asks a question, he ends up with a lot of them to answer.

Mom turns off the television and tells Calvin to go outside. As she tosses him out, Calvin says it's too bright, hot, humid, and buggy. Outside, he adds that it's too real.

Calvin fills a water balloon. He hides behind a tree, chuckling. Night falls. As Mom puts him in bed, Calvin says he wishes he had more enemies. Mom tells him he will someday.

A monster under Calvin's bed is trying to make him go to the bathroom by making water sounds. Calvin knows when he gets out of bed, the monster will suck out his innards. Calvin tells Hobbes the plan is working. He knows he can't make it till morning. Calvin says he has to go, but he can't get out of bed. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do. The next day, Dad is talking to Mom outside the house. He mentions to Mom that the plants on that side of the house don't do very well. Above them is Calvin's bedroom window.

Calvin opens his head, and his brain hops out. Off it goes. Calvin tells Mom he let his mind wander, and it didn't come back. Mom says she figured he lost his mind years ago.

Calvin asks what happens if they die and it turns out God is a big chicken. At the dinner table, Mom tells him to just eat his dinner. Calvin is concerned about the eternal consequences.

Speaking like Shakespearean characters, Mom asks "whither goest thou, young rogue". Calvin replies "thou dost wrong me". He says he is "resolv'd to quit this place forthwith". He leaves the house, and Mom says she'll "soon know thy business". Calvin replies "by my troth, I am off". Watching television, Calvin asks Mom if there isn't a cop show where they talk like real people.

Calvin complains to Mom that Hobbes reads his comic books before he does. He says Hobbes yells out what's happening while he reads. Calvin quotes from one of his comics. It involves Captain Steroid getting punched in the kidneys with a I-beam and bleeding all over. Mom asks to see the comic book. Calvin is afraid she'll read it first.

Calvin tells Mom that he doesn't have anything to do. She suggests he go clean his room. Calvin tells Mom he was bragging.

Dad's riding his bike, commenting how he's outside in the fresh air (as a truck drives by throwing a can out the window) with no distractions (as a swarm of bugs surrounds him), nothing but quiet (as dogs snap at him) and a chance to get a feel for the land (as he falls off the bike). He's happy for the opportunity to reflect on things (as he holds his sore rear end). As he gets home, Dad says getting out like that makes the rat race seem ridiculous. Dad tells Mom he's thinking about quitting his job and riding his bicycle all the time. Mom suggests Dad call the bike shop to sponsor his mid-life crisis.

Calvin talks to the television, thanking it for elevating emotion and stifling imagination. He thanks it for the artificiality of quick solutions. He bows down and offers the television a bowl of lukewarm tapioca, which represents his brain. Later, Mom sees the television on with the tapioca in front of it. She is puzzled.

Little Calvins in helmets run controls. They miscalculated and need to reduce forward momentum. The landing leg is out of alignment. One calls for view ports to open. They prepare for crash positions. Adrenalin is at maximum. They try to redistribute all weight. They prepare for impact. Calvin falls down the steps. Mom asks if he's alright. Calvin says damage assessment is under way.

Mom wakes Calvin up. As he awakens, Calvin notices it's not very bright. He asks the time. A tentacle taps him as a voice under the bed tells him to jump out of bed. Calvin tells the monsters that was a nice try. Beneath the bed, a voice says that it told the other monster Calvin's Mom doesn't smack her lips like that. The other monster says next time he can do it.

Calvin tells Mom the monsters under his bed kept him up all night. She says she checked when she tucked him in, and there weren't any. Calvin knows. She asks how they got there after she left. Calvin asks if she wants him to crawl under and ask them.

Mom asks Calvin why his room stinks. He says it's because of the monsters under the bed. Mom doesn't believe the monsters are causing the smell. She reaches under the bed and comes out with some cans, bones, and a banana peel. Calvin says the monsters don't eat all the garbage they throw down there to quiet them.

Mom tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin says he's not going. He tells her not to be so dysfunctional. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he has a new entry for his list of words that get a reaction.

Calvin runs screaming he doesn't want to take a bath. Mom carries him up the stairs while he keeps yelling. In the tub, he yells that he hates everything. Mom, dripping wet, tells Dad that whenever she hears people trying to rediscover the "child within", she wants to scream.

Calvin's food rolls off his plate. It goes to the edge of the table, then comes back. It jumps into Calvin's shirt. He struggles and runs off with the food on his back. He rolls on the floor to kill it. He lifts his shirt to see it, and Mom stands there. Calvin tries to explain, but is sent to bed.

Mom tells Calvin it's time for his bath. Calvin says he's in denial about baths. Mom puts him in the tub and says he can go ahead and deny it. Calvin says nobody respects his denial.

Calvin asks Mom for five dollars. Mom says he should earn it by working. Calvin says shaking her down seems to be work.

Calvin tells Mom he wishes he had a baby brother. She asks if Calvin wants a new friend to play with. Calvin says he wants somebody small he can beat up. Dad is on the phone, with his boss standing in front of him. Dad whispers into the phone. He wonders if they can talk about that operation some other time.

Calvin yells that he's in a bad mood. Mom gets Calvin a comic book. She says he should sit on the couch, and she'll bring him some peanut butter crackers. Calvin decides Mom knows everything.

Calvin calls for Mom. She's taking a bath. Calvin tells her not to mind, it's nothing. Mom comes out, wrapped in a towel, dripping. She says it's always something. Calvin has a saw in his hands.

Mom checks the thermometer. Calvin has a fever. He says his throat's scratchy. She tells Calvin to rest on the sofa, and she'll bring him some soup. Hobbes hungrily peeks over the back of the sofa. He asks Calvin if he isn't feeling well. Calvin is horrified. He yells that he's fine and is the picture of health. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin says he knows what he's thinking. He says if Hobbes tries to carry him off to dispatch, he'll be in for a big surprise. Mom brings the soup and notices he's sweaty. Calvin says other people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak.

Mom and Dad wake up from sleeping. They hear barking. Dad puts his coat on. He says when this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping. He opens the door to see Calvin barking.

Mom hands Calvin a letter he got in the mail. Calvin wonders who sent it. He never gets mail. There's no return address, only a skull with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out. He wonders if it's the IRS.

Calvin races inside the house wondering if he got a letter. Calvin opens the coded message. They decode it. It says "Calvin is a porridge brain". Hobbes says some people have secret admirers. Calvin has a secret detractor.

Mom watches Calvin go to school in his raincoat and cap. Once outside, Calvin takes the raincoat and cap off and splashes in all the puddles on the way to the bus stop. It's raining the entire time. Calvin sits dripping at his desk. After school, he comes home carrying his raincoat and cap. He splashes in the puddles again. He puts his raincoat and cap on, then goes into his house. Mom takes the rain gear off. Calvin then sneezes.

Calvin angrily crumples the coded message. Calvin wonders what kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble to insult him. He knows the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Mom hands Calvin another letter.

Calvin can't sleep. He wonders who's sending the insults and where it will stop. He's being driven crazy since there's no way to trace the lunatic. Calvin says this person has thought of everything. Mom looks at her cut up magazine and wonders who did it.

Calvin asks if he got another letter. Mom says when you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. Calvin doesn't know what she's talking about. Mom says she knows he's been putting out the notes for the mailman every day. Calvin asks if she means the notes are coming from their house. Mom tells Calvin to ask before he cuts up her magazines. Hobbes sits with scissors and magazine in hand. From the other room, Calvin asks where the miserable bunch of stripey orange flea bait is.

Mom says Calvin's haircut is a big improvement. Calvin asks if she likes what is says on the back of his head. Mom asks what he means. Calvin asks if the barber didn't shave "I may have a bad haircut, buy you're downright ugly" onto his head. Mom says no. Calvin angrily asks the barber for his tip back.

Calvin asks Mom if he can parachute out of a plane. Mom wonders why he doesn't play "chicken" on the railroad tracks. It would be a cheaper way to toy with death. Calvin says Mom's so practical.

Calvin has nothing for "show and tell". Calvin tells the class that when he's in school, Mom puts on a leotard, cape, and high-heeled boots to fight crime as a super heroine. Calvin bows and hopes the class in duly impressed. Mom shows Dad the note the teacher sent home with him. Dad wants her to show him that outfit sometime.

Calvin asks if Dad is living through him in the hope Calvin's accomplishments validate his mediocre life and compensate for all his botched opportunities. Dad says if he was, he'd re-evaluate his strategy. Calvin tells Mom that Dad keeps insulting him.

Calvin wakes in the night and is pulled out his window into a flying saucer. The aliens replace Calvin with a robot. The robot steals cookies, breaks a lamp, and throws away schoolbooks, all in front of Mom. Calvin tries to explain it to Mom, but she takes him to bed. Calvin looks out his window at the stars.

Calvin gets out of bed and says he wakes up. At school, he says he shuts up and listens up. At lunch, he says he throws up. At the blackboard, he says he mixes up and goofs up. Near the end of the day, he wishes it would hurry up. As he runs into the house, Mom asks how his day was. He says it's looking up.

Spaceman Spiff pilots his craft at high speeds. Spiff discovers galaxies and planets not charted. He lands on worlds not explored, confronting species never encountered. He's a cosmic pioneer, boldly facing the unknown. Mom gives Calvin a plate of food. He cringes, saying he's never had it before and won't eat it.

Mom is angry. She kicks Calvin outside. Calvin says that if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny every time.

Calvin eats his food, saying he guesses this is boiled guano on raw maggots. He declares another spontaneous act of good will. He says Santa better come through in spades for this. Mom asks if Calvin wants more maggots. He says to pile them on.

On Christmas morning, Calvin sees a certificate for one day pounce-free of tiger attacks. He tells Hobbes he thinks of the best gifts. Sitting on the sofa in their robes, looking tired, Dad says this could have waited until sunrise. Mom tells him to take a picture.

Calvin asks if Mom has anything she needs nails pounded into. Calvin says he has the tools and lots of nail sizes. She tells him no. He walks off asking her to let him know if she changes her mind. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wanted a girl. He just knows it.

As snow falls outside, Mom tries to wake Calvin up. From beneath the covers, he tells Mom he's not getting up until it's as warm outside as it is inside.

Calvin asks Susie what's wrong with her snowman. It has breasts. Susie tells him it's a snow woman. Later, with Calvin standing next to a snowman with its back to Mom, she tells Calvin they're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard.

In his snow fort, with several snowballs made, Calvin says he'd like to see Mom make him come inside. He says with his arsenal, he can stay out all day. He's the master of his fate and can stay outside as long as he pleases. Mom sees Calvin warming his hands and asks if he's back inside so soon. Calvin says it's too cold out.

Dad gets out of the car to see snowmen. One is lying face down, one bent over retching. Another is clutching at its throat. Inside, Dad asks Mom if they're having eggplant casserole. Mom says "why, yes".

Mom pulls back the shower curtain to find a snowman looking like Calvin in the bathtub. Mom yells that it's a nice try. Calvin peeks in from the hall.

Calvin sees chocolate chip cookie batter. He asks Mom if he can have some. She says it's got raw eggs in it and he could get salmonella poisoning. Calvin walks off lamenting one more nostalgic part of childhood going THBPPTH.

Mom tells Calvin not to walk through the house with his boots on. He takes them off. He walks on tracking something on the floor. He says considering where his shoes have been, he thinks she would have been happy he had boots on.

A man and woman are talking. She says the dinner is delicious. He says it's dog food, and don't call him honey. She says she's president of the United States. He says she's president of Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous. She says he's mad because he's "first husband" and has to vacuum the White House all day. He says he's not her husband, he's Wonga-taa, kind of the jungle. He takes off his clothes to reveal jungle shorts. She says he's gross and tells him "nice underpants". He says he's off to the jungle to live with his tiger friend. She says good riddance. Walking home in his underwear, Calvin tells Hobbes playing with Susie is a waste of time. She can imagine such junk. Hobbes tells him "nice underpants". Mom is on the phone. She's asking what the caller means about Calvin leaving his clothes with Susie.

Mom yells at Calvin not to throw his wet coat on the floor. She tells him to hang it up where it belongs. She isn't looking for extra work. As he drags his coat, he thinks "like I am".

Mom bundles Calvin for the cold. Calvin asks Mom if she knows what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits. As Calvin walks into the bathroom, he asks how he's ever going to learn to be an astronaut.

Calvin walks up to Dad sitting in the chair. Calvin says "Kazam". Dad turns into a slug. Calvin does it again, and the lamp and table turn into a bug. Dad tells him to be quiet. Calvin does it again, and Mom turns into a bug. Mom says if Calvin is bored, they'll find something for him to do. Calvin goes upstairs to his room and opens his window. He looks outside and says "Kazam". The neighborhood is a desolate landscape.

Spaceman Spiff is pursued by hostile aliens. Spiff dives toward the mysterious world below. The aliens are still on his trail. He flies through a tight arch, hoping the aliens will crash as they follow. Calvin is under a table, with Mom grabbing at his feet. Calvin says the ol' battleship is surprisingly maneuverable. Mom says Calvin is going to bed if she has to chase him all night.

Calvin builds snowmen prophets of doom. They hold signs saying "the end is near" and "spring is coming". They're partially melted. Mom says he takes the pleasure out of waiting for daffodils.

At night, Calvin yells for Mom to come quick. When she gets to his room, he asks her if she thinks love is a biochemical reaction designed to make sure genes get passed on. Sleepily, she says whatever it is, it's keeping her from strangling him right now. After she leaves, Calvin says Mom's midnight reassurances are never very reassuring.

In bed, Calvin doesn't want to get up or wait for the bus. Standing for the bus, he doesn't want to go to school or listen to the teacher. At school, he doesn't want to study or get homework. When he gets back home, Mom asks how his day was. Calvin says it pitched a perfect no-hitter.

Calvin tells Mom he's going outside. She asks if he's done with his homework. He says yes. She asks if he read the whole chapter. Calvin replies they should just leave it that he's done. Mom tells him to go back to his room.

Calvin wakes up thirsty, so he heads for a drink of water. Hobbes follows and stalks Calvin. Calvin sleepily returns to the bedroom, but Hobbes pounces. Calvin has a horrified expression on his face. Mom and Dad turn on the light to find him on the floor. They think he was sleepwalking, but Calvin says it was a homicidal psycho jungle cat. In bed, Hobbes laughs about how Calvin's face looked. Calvin says if Mom and Dad cared about him at all, they'd buy some infrared nighttime vision goggles.

Calvin is snatched from bed by a robot. He's dropped into a cleaning machine, then he's sent to the kitchen by turbo chute. Dad takes off for work on his jet pack. He says he'll be home for dinner unless the shuttle is late from his moon meeting. Mom asks Calvin to put on his jacket. She asks why he's standing there. As Mom puts a jacket on Calvin, she wishes he'd try to stay in the present. Calvin sighs.

Calvin looks at the peanut butter jar and says it's ruined. He says you're supposed to scoop half straight down, then dig the other side from the bottom. Mom asks why. Calvin says it's a ritual to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth. She suggests he make his own sandwiches. Calvin says if you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life. He asks if she cut the bread diagonally.

Calvin has a lemonade stand, charging $15 a glass. Susie asks how he justifies that. Calvin says supply and demand. Susie doesn't see any demand. Calvin explains that as stockholder in the enterprise, he demands monstrous profit. As CEO of the company, he demands an exorbitant salary. As an employee, he demands a high wage and lots of benefits. Susie complains it looks like he threw a lemon in some sludge water. Calvin had to cut expenses somewhere to stay competitive. Susie asks what happens if she got sick from it. Calvin says he stands behind the motto "caveat emptor". Susie walks away. Calvin complains anti-business types like her who ruin the economy. Later, Calvin tells Mom he needs to be subsidized.

Calvin bangs on a pot with a spoon. He keeps doing it. Mom yells for him to stop that racket. He's driving her crazy. Calvin puts another check mark on his calendar for the day.

Dad says he's not putting off spring cleaning. Later, Mom sees him cleaning his bicycle. She asks what about the house. Dad doesn't know what she's talking about.

Calvin asks if the milk is spoiled. Mom tells him to smell it to find out. He won't. Mom checks it, and she says it's fine. Calvin says he doesn't take chances on products that print the date you might expire.

Calvin gets out of bed and runs past Mom saying he's up. She chases Calvin, telling him to go to bed. He climbs under the chair and around an end table. Mom grabs him and takes him to bed. Calvin yells that he's not tired and wants to stay up. Mom collapses, exhausted, on the chair downstairs. Calvin, in bed, says Mom has to earn a night's respite from him.

Calvin's meal attacks him and swallows him. It chews Calvin up, then spits out a skull and bone. Mom says it was revolting, but Dad says it worked. They dance. Calvin looks at a plate of food and claims they're trying to kill him with that stuff. Mom says he doesn't have to eat it, but she's not making anything else.

Calvin puts some jelly on a slice of toast, then throws the toast. Hobbes leaps past Calvin to messily eat the toast on the floor. Hobbes says he likes breakfast on the run. Mom angrily drags Calvin, carrying a mop and bucket, to the mess. Calvin pleas that it's their nature. Mom wonders why he can't eat at the table like a civilized human being.

Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells her he's eating worms for a nickel. Mom says he isn't, and she takes him home. Mom tells Susie it's mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. Calvin is relieved. He thanks Mom. Mom says if she hasn't seen him in two minutes, there's trouble.

Hobbes hits Calvin's pitch. Calvin retrieves the ball to find out Hobbes hasn't started to run the bases yet. Calvin grabs the ball and comes running. Hobbes stops to "tie his shoe". He hops backwards, then crawls like a worm. Calvin is getting closer, running at top speed. Right before Calvin can tag Hobbes out, Hobbes touches home. Later, Mom is putting a bandage on Calvin. She asks what happened that he needs bandages and Hobbes needs stitching. Calvin says Hobbes deserved it.

Getting in the bathtub, Calvin heats up and pops. Downstairs wrapped in a towel, he tells Mom it could have happened. Mom tells him that only corn does that. She suggests he add cold water and get back in the tub.

Calvin tells Mom he isn't going to school anymore. He's going to be a "hunter-gatherer" when he grows up. He'll live in a forest, eating berries and grubs. Standing for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.

Calvin answers the phone. When the caller asks if Mom is home, Calvin slams the phone down after asking what business is it of theirs. He walks off saying people are sure nosy. Mom says she left three messages, and nobody has returned her calls. Calvin says people are rude.

Mom tells Dad she wants to get an answering machine. Dad doesn't. He'd feel obligated to return calls he didn't want in the first place. Without a machine, you let the phone ring and the caller gives up. Mom says that wasn't her point. Dad says that's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so he's always talking to people.

Calvin yells that he's been disempowered. His self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic dysfunctionality. Mom says he's been temporarily inconvenienced to take out the trash. Calvin asks if she's saying there's a difference.

Calvin asks Mom for the car keys. She says no. Calvin runs off, then returns. He tells Mom there isn't an entry in the encyclopedia for "hotwire".

Spaceman Spiff hops out of his craft. There is indication of aliens. He crouches behind a boulder listening to aliens talk about him. He bursts into the open, shooting his death ray blaster. He yells he'll give the aliens something to talk about. Calvin has shot rubber-tipped darts at Mom, Dad, and their guests. Mom chases Calvin. Later in bed, Calvin says Spiff reflects on his miscalculation. He'll revisit the planet, this time with more ammo.

Mom pulls an octopus out of the refrigerator. He plungers the creature into a pot, pours gasoline, a shrunken head, paint, and weed killer onto it, then mixes it. At dinner, Calvin pushes his plate away. Mom says she spent over an hour fixing it. Calvin says he saw what went into it, and he's not touching it.

Calvin puts the box over himself, then tells Mom to ask him a question. Mom asks if Calvin cleaned his room or spend the day playing with a cardboard box. Calvin says there was a system error. He says to delete the question and try again. Upstairs, Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says Mom booted him up there.

Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Calvin asks what assurance he has that their parenting isn't screwing him up.

Mom asks where Calvin is going, and he tells her outside. Mom asks if he picked up his room. Calvin says he tried, but he couldn't lift it. He laughs. Upstairs, Calvin tells Hobbes the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental.

Mom dresses Calvin in his raincoat and cap. Calvin goes to the kitchen to eat his soup. Calvin says he has a very sarcastic mother.

Mom tells Calvin she saw Miss Wormwood in the supermarket. Calvin asks if Miss Wormwood shops at the supermarket. Mom says yes, what did he think? Calvin figured teachers slept in coffins all summer.

In different colors, Hobbes makes comments on how something looks. Hobbes likes the green one. Mom asks what Calvin wants. She looks, then tells him to put them back. Grumpily, Calvin says Mom said no. Hobbes suggests grown-ups have no taste. They had been looking at different sunglasses.

Calvin yells into the house for Mom. Mom tells him to stop yelling across the house. She says if he wants to talk to her, he can walk to the living room where she is. He does it. He tells Mom he stepped in dog doo and asks where the hose is.

A Zokk circles above a planet where Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft has crashed. Spiff crawls across the sun-baked land. An alien comes over, tells him to put on sun screen and wear a hat if he's going to be outside. The alien walks off telling Spiff to have some common sense. Mom tells Calvin not to give him that look. Spiff survives, fixes his ship, and goes to find a more temperate climate with fewer aliens.

Calvin hits Mom with a water balloon. As she chases him, he asks if that wasn't refreshing. In bed, Calvin says he needs to work on his salesmanship.

At night, Mom calls for Calvin, who's outside with Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to start the stopwatch. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't answer Mom. Calvin says she doesn't see them, so she can't prove they heard her. Calvin says the trick is to listen for the tone of voice and answer before she gets mad enough to come looking for them. Mom calls again. Calvin says they now act innocent. He yells back, asking if Mom is calling for him. Mom says to come in, it's getting dark. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a tactical error, because darkness is relative. Calvin says it's not dark, because he can still see his hands. Calvin asks for another ten minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin asks for five minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin tells Hobbes she guessed his five minutes were her half-hour. He says they'll go for a fake agreement. He yells that he's coming in. He tells Hobbes they can stay out until Mom figures out he lied. Hobbes says they've dragged it out 53 minutes so far. Calvin is going for the record. He throws his shoe and says he lost it. Hobbes says every minute outside and awake is a good minute.

Calvin throws a rock at a bee hive. They chase him. A giant bee comes after him. YOWW! Mom says she doesn't see the "harpoon" that "gored" him, but she does something to help the sting. Calvin says the National Guard can track the bee on radar.

Calvin and Hobbes hop out of bed. They read the paper, run outside to play, dig for dinosaurs, look under rocks for bugs, play Calvinball, fight, hit Susie with a water balloon, run from a snake, look at the moon, and catch fireflies. Mom drags Calvin inside to bed. Calvin says summer days are supposed to be longer, but they seem shorter to him. Hobbes says they didn't get to do half their itinerary.

Mom brings Calvin some lunch. They decide to read comic books in their treehouse. Calvin says it's looking like a good afternoon.

Calvin remembers to tell Mom someone called an hour ago. Mom asks if he got her name and number. Calvin says no. Mom asks how she's supposed to call her back. Calvin says she doesn't need to. The person is still on the line.

Calvin checks the mail. There's nothing for him, so he puts the letters back in the mailbox. He goes inside and tells Mom the mail's there.

Calvin looks at a cloud in the sky. It turns into the shape of a duck. Calvin tells Mom the cloud does impressions.

Mom asks Calvin to help her set the table. Calvin doesn't think so. He's not enthusiastic about setting the table. As Calvin helps set the table, he says he doesn't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it.

Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wants to know if they'd like to go to the zoo today. Hobbes asks if they can tour a prison afterward. Calvin tells Mom "no thanks".

Spaceman Spiff makes some system checks. He prepares for countdown. Calvin watches the clock in the classroom. Spiff blasts off, flying to his home. Mom asks how his day went. Calvin tells Mom he enjoyed coming home.

Calvin and Hobbes wake up. It's raining outside. They eat breakfast, then go out to wait for the school bus. Hobbes is with Calvin, holding an umbrella. Calvin gets on the bus, waving goodbye to Hobbes. Mom looks out the window and sees Hobbes on the sidewalk. She goes outside to get Hobbes. Calvin sits in school, watching the clock. Hobbes looks out the window, waiting for Calvin.

Calvin points out that he did hang up his coat in the closet. He tells Mom that he was right and she was wrong. Mom says she's sorry and asks him to forgive her. Calvin makes a tally mark in a notebook. Mom says he doesn't need to keep score.

Calvin asks Mom if hamburgers are made out of people from Hamburg. Mom says no, it's ground beef. Calvin asks if he's eating a cow. Mom says yes. Calvin doesn't think he can finish his burger.

Calvin, the tyrannosaur, roars triumphantly. Calvin's struggle has given him a monstrous appetite. He rips gigantic chunks of the carcass and swallows them whole. It's a disgusting spectacle of savage gluttony. Mom tells Calvin to stop eating his Halloween candy. Calvin is in a dinosaur costume. She tells him he'll get sick if he eats all of it. Calvin says he earned it.

Calvin yells for Mom to watch him. He comes down the steps, dripping water from his bath. Calvin proclaims it "nude descending a staircase". Back in the tub, Calvin says nobody understands art.

Calvin walks past Mom and says hello. He calls himself her big accomplishment in life. Later, Mom is slumped on the sofa. She tells Dad that she's depressed.

Calvin asks Mom if she checked the pockets of his pants before she washed them. He asks if she found anything surprising. Mom asks what he means. Calvin hides behind Mom's leg saying they need some big gloves and a heavy stick...fast. Mom asks if Calvin doesn't even know where this thing is at.

Calvin comes into the living room bundled in his cap, scarf, and coat. He sits on the chair. He wishes he had a heavier coat. Mom is reading a book. She says that theatrics notwithstanding, the thermostat is staying where it is.

Calvin asks what he was like as a baby. Mom says "stinky". Calvin walks away saying it's shocking to see one's existence reduced to a blurb.

Calvin plays with a toy truck. He stops, looks around, listens, then carries his toy further away. He resumes playing. Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes pins Calvin down telling him he moved upwind. He says human senses aren't worth beans. Calvin tells Hobbes to get off him. Mom asks if Calvin wants to watch his nature program. Calvin shouts no.

Hobbes says Calvin's head is back to normal, but Calvin hasn't written his paper yet. Calvin says the hard part was getting a topic. He says he'll write everything he knows about tyrannosaurs. It's a breeze. He says he's guaranteed a good grade. Mom tells him it's time for bed.

Mom tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin tells Mom he hasn't finished his school paper yet. She asks how much more he has to do. Calvin tells her he just has to write it.

Mom asks what Calvin has been doing all night. Calvin tells Mom he built a thinking cap that augmented his brain to think of a topic. Mom says that doesn't sound like a good time budget to her. Calvin wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.

Calvin asks Mom if he can get a tattoo of a serpent clutching a ship. Mom looks at him with a frown. Calvin sighs and walks away. He asks Hobbes if he knew Mom can communicate telepathically.

Calvin reads a letter he received from Santa. It's written in verse, to the pattern of "Night before Christmas". Santa writes that he's repealed his laws and suggests Calvin be vulgar and crude. Santa writes for Calvin to burp and never say "thank you" or "you're welcome". He suggests talking back to his parents and to act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere. Santa writes bad boys and girls will be the ones to get the toys. Calvin wakes up. He frowns and lies in bed. He hates being good six days until Christmas. He doesn't think he'll make it.

Calvin sees his gifts under the Christmas tree. He grabs one and shouts that he's gotten acquittal on all charges and complete exoneration. He laughs. Mom and Dad hug each other. Mom tells Dad Merry Christmas. Dad asks what that smell is. He asks if someone has been eating tuna fish at that hour.

Mom and Dad are sitting by the fire, with their backs to Calvin. Calvin tells Hobbes people never expect to get hit with a snowball in their own house. He readies two snowballs. Hobbes tells Calvin he'll see him in his room momentarily.

Spaceman Spiff's craft plunges into the water. He climbs out swimming and is attacked by fish. Then a giant creature comes out of the water behind him. The creature asks if the water is too cold. Spiff says no. Mom leaves the bathroom saying he should stop his infernal screaming.

Calvin looks up as Dad walks by. He looks up as Mom walks by. He builds a tiny snowman. He looks down at it and calls it "shrimp".

Mom and Dad look at a snowman. It's holding a shrunken snow head, with others in a snow pot next to it. Mom comments that on the other hand, the neighbors keep planting big trees next to them.

Calvin is reading his school book. He slumps, then disappears from his chair. Calvin the dinosaur stalks a diplodocus. He crouches in hiding, waiting for the surprise attack. The diplodocus gets closer to the trees. Mom opens a door. Calvin jumps out, yelling at her. She's terrified. Calvin sits reading his book again, wondering what's wrong with taking a little break.

Dad gets up from his chair and starts walking. He stops. He asks Mom why he can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but he can't remember what he got up to do.

Calvin makes Mom some subtitles. He explains she should choose the card to translate what she's saying and prop it against her feet for him to read. He gives an example of Mom saying for Calvin to go to bed now. The card states he has ten minutes until she blows her stack. Mom says she doesn't need translation. Calvin even has subtitles for parentisms like "you're going to poke someone's eye out with that".

Calvin plans to hit Susie with a slushball. Hobbes says some philosophers say true happiness comes from a life of virtue. Calvin thinks about it, and he drops the slushball. Calvin puts his toys away in his room. He does his homework and hands Mom a homemade card. Calvin shovels the sidewalk. He helps set the dinner plates and take out the garbage. He stops. He gets angry, runs outside, and hits Susie with a slushball. He tells Hobbes someday he'll write his own philosophy book. Hobbes thinks virtue needs some cheaper thrills.

Two superheroes, one man and one woman, are fighting. He hits her, while she blasts him with a distortion blaster. Calvin stops reading his comic book and walks off in a daze. He turns on television. Mom turns it off and tells Calvin there is too much violence on TV. She tells him to read something.

Calvin looks at his green dinner. It stands up, speaking Hamlet's soliloquy. When he finishes, the dinner sits on the plate. Calvin blinks. The dinner stands up singing "Feelings". Mom takes the plate away, saying Calvin ate that right up. She asks if he liked it. Calvin tells her not to have it ever again.

Mom wakes Calvin. He asks if the school is closed for snow. She says the radio is on. She tells him to get ready. Calvin tells Hobbes he'll have the whole day to do his homework if school is closed. Calvin glances up and says he suddenly feels religious. Hobbes says it's another deathbed conversion.

Mom asks Dad if there was any good mail. Dad says there's a charity request and a women's magazine with an article on swimsuits that minimize all body flaws. There are catalogs and an invitation to go deeper in debt from a credit card company. He sees a new magazine identifying trends they're missing and a hobby magazine showing equipment he must have. He asks why he gets the feeling society is trying to make them discontented with everything they do and insecure about who they are. Mom supposes if people thought about real issues instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collapse. Dad asks if throwing the mail out would make him some kind of terrorist. Mom says it's their patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life. Calvin comes in saying he saw products on TV he didn't know existed, but he desperately needs.

Calvin says his piece of pie is small. Mom says life could be worse. He replies that life could be better, too. In bed, he grumbles that worse is more likely.

Calvin asks what his dinner is, something scraped off the bottom of boots. Mom says she made it last week and Calvin had said it was his favorite meal of all time. He wished they could have it every day. He says now he hates it. Mom is frustrated. Calvin says "another day, another gray hair for Mom".

Mom tries pulling Calvin out of bed while he yells that he needs more sleep. In school, Calvin can't keep his eyes open. As Mom takes him upstairs to bed, Calvin yells that he's wide awake. In bed, Calvin says his internal clock is on Tokyo time.

Mom takes Calvin's coat to hang it. She returns and tells him that Hobbes got put in the closet. Mom found him in there. Calvin scolds Hobbes for waiting in the closet for him. He says it's too bad Hobbes' plan was thwarted. Grumpily, Hobbes tells Calvin he should hang is coat up himself.

Calvin is freezing in bed. Hobbes tells him he should have a fur coat like his. Calvin puts his feet on Hobbes to warm up. Hobbes jumps. Calvin tells him to quit letting cold air in. Hobbes tells Calvin to keep his cold feet on his side of the bed. Calvin protests that Hobbes' behind was on his side. Hobbes indicates the demilitarized zone between their sides. Calvin claims the whole bed and says animals should sleep on the floor. Hobbes takes the blanket and leaves. The sounds of their fighting is heard by Mom. Calvin is looking for Hobbes when a ghostly apparition rises before him. Calvin yells in terror. Hobbes has the bed to himself. Dad is awakened by icy cold feet. Calvin is in bed with him and Mom. Mom tells Dad that Calvin had a nightmare. Calvin says that if it's too crowded, they are welcome to sleep downstairs.

Calvin, the astronaut, hops out of the space lander. He hops in the lunar rover and drives around the surface of the moon. From space, you can read "Calvin is great" in tire tracks on the surface of the moon. Calvin looks at the moon with binoculars. He tells Dad he wishes he could go to the moon. Dad says he wishes Calvin could, too. Mom, offscreen, chides him.

Calvin sees a door he doesn't remember. Something looking like Mom opens the door and gives Calvin some breakfast. He retreats, saying it's not his Mom. It says it is and says to eat his oatmeal. Calvin says this isn't his house, and she's not his Mom. He looks out the window to see a cage. He's in a lab, with giant aliens. One has a puppet of Mom on his hand. Calvin says they're trying to get him to imprint on his own species before they return him to the wild. The aliens complain about a loss of their funding since Calvin is on to them. Calvin wakes up. At breakfast, Mom gives him some oatmeal. He demands she prove she's his Mom.

Calvin answers the phone. Someone asks if his Mom is home. Calvin asks who's calling. He says if this call is about him, he didn't do it. They have nothing on him. They can't prove anything. He says they'll never get him. He hands the phone to Mom. She asks if she can call the person back. Calvin is standing near her saying it's okay to talk. He cleared it. It's cool.

A man gets up from his desk. He goes off to get some coffee. BLAM! The man is shot. Four deer, armed with rifles, gather around the body. They praise Bambi's nice shot. He asks for somebody to get the camera. Calvin tells the class that the man's family was upset when he didn't come home that night. Everyone understood the human population had doubled in just two generations to almost six billion. Some thinning of the herds was necessary to prevent starvation. Mom looks at a note from the teacher calling for a parent-teacher conference. Dad tells her it's her turn.

Mom backs a front-loading tractor. It dumps a load down. She puts food on Calvin's plate. He tells her he hates that stuff and not to put so much on. She tells him to pipe down and eat.

Mom asks Calvin why he looks down in the dumps. Calvin says he doesn't have a hairy chest. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom says some babes don't care. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and says "right".

Calvin tells Dad he should smoke cigars. They're all the rage. Mom walks by and says flatulence could be all the rage, but it still would be disgusting. Calvin understands. Dad tells Mom that was nicely put.

Mom tells Calvin to turn the television off. Calvin says he'll mope and whine. He'll tear around and get in trouble. He says she won't have a moment's peace if she makes him turn off the TV. Mom kicks Calvin out the door. He says he noticed she had to think about it.

Calvin is peacefully eating his lunch of a sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Suddenly, Hobbes jumps onto the table. He growls at Calvin. They fight. Finally, Hobbes sits at the table peacefully eating the sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Dirty and scratched from his battle with Hobbes, Calvin tells Mom he's still hungry. Mom says she fixed him a nice lunch. He can wait until dinner.

Calvin finds a remote control gizmo in a drawer. He wonders what it does and clicks it. He drops down a tube to see Mom and Dad in a control room with a spacecraft. Mom and Dad are dressed in superhero costumes. Calvin stands in the living room looking at Mom and Dad. He sighs.

Susie asks if this is his big orange surprise. Calvin asks if Hobbes didn't pounce on her. Susie hands Hobbes to Calvin, saying he was by the door. Hobbes is wearing a tie. Mom tells Susie to come in. Susie asks if her mom called to say she could come home already. Calvin chastises Hobbes for dressing up for a girl.

Mom offers Susie a snack. Calvin asks Hobbes what he has to say for himself. Hobbes says that when entertaining female friends, one shouldn't look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Calvin wonders who's entertaining and who looks seedy. Hobbes thinks a spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes. Calvin asks why Hobbes didn't kill her when she came through the door. Hobbes tells Calvin that if he had made proper introductions, he might have smooched her hand. Calvin reaches toward Hobbes offering to adjust the narrow end of his tie about eight inches.

Mom asks if Calvin is slamming doors. He says he didn't hear anything. Inside the closet, Susie is yelling for Calvin to open the door. She calls him a rotten bag of barf. Mom comes in and asks where Susie is. Calvin tells her she may have gone outside. Susie yells to be let out. Calvin acts shocked that Susie is in the closet. Susie tells Mom that Calvin tricked her into the closet and held the door.

Mom tells Susie that her mom is home and she will come pick Susie up. Susie is relieved. Mom angrily says she'll talk to Calvin in a few minutes. Calvin tells Susie not to lock herself in any more closets. Calvin and Hobbes run upstairs. Calvin says some promotions and medals are in order. Hobbes asks if they should get them before they get in trouble or after.

Calvin asks his teacher if he can get a drink of water. She says it's alright, but he should hurry. Calvin runs down the hallway. Mom opens the door and asks Calvin why he's home. Calvin tells her he prefers their water.

On the way to the school bus, Calvin sees an alien appear in a spaceship. He introduces himself to the alien. The alien makes himself look just like Calvin and speaks in phonetic English. Calvin tells the alien to take his lunchbox and to have a good day at school. Susie says hello to the alien Calvin. He repeats what Calvin said about having a good day at school. Later, Mom opens the door for Dad saying that Calvin's principal said to say hello. Dad knows that means there was trouble. Calvin, still speaking in phonetic English, says Calvin stole his spaceship.

Calvin jauntily walks along. He smiles and poses for Mom. She walks by. Grumpily, Calvin continues walking. He asks the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see them.

Calvin is taking a bath. He has a pail, ball, duck, sailboat, swim mask, and an umbrella. The shower is running. Mom looks in and says they should draw the line at the umbrella.

In bed, Calvin tells Mom he has a sore throat, ear ache, is seeing spots, and is dizzy. Mom offers to call the doctor. Calvin gets out of bed, saying it's all clearing up. While he gets dressed, he says it's hard to hit the magic number of vague, mildly serious, but not worrisome symptoms.

Calvin asks why Mom is crying. She's cutting up an onion. He walks away saying it must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.

Calvin asks Mom if he can run the vacuum cleaner. He says he's old enough and can do it. Mom says maybe this once, if he does a real good job. As he vacuums, Calvin says that suppressed smile worries him.

Mom is shopping. She's angry that the bank teller went on break without a replacement with fifteen people in line. She says after she waited ten minutes, a new line was opened for all the people behind her who waited two minutes. As she tries to buy her groceries, she sees the cashier putting her on hold so that she could talk with someone on the telephone. After she gets her last bag, the cashier tells Mom to have a nice day. Mom replies that it's too late.

At dinner, Mom tells Dad that nobody dresses up for anything anymore. People look like slobs. Dad agrees that people are too rude, and that there's no respect for anyone. Later, Calvin is standing all dressed up, with his hair combed. He complains why he has to change the world.

Calvin crawls on the floor. He is weak. He reaches forward. Mom is in the kitchen. He weakly calls for chocolate chips. Mom says no and tells Calvin to get up off the floor.

Calvin tells Mom that he has a big "owwy boo boo" on his pinky. Mom says that's too bad. Calvin walks away saying that when your ailments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy.

Calvin answers the doorbell. The bike comes into the house and chases Calvin. Over the sofa they go, up the stairs. Calvin hides temporarily in the bathroom as the bike goes down the hall. He holds the bike off with a chair as he backs out his bedroom window. He closes the window and says the bike can't get him now. Downstairs, someone yells there are tire tracks on the rugs and oil on the couch. Another voice asks where Calvin is. Outside on the roof, Calvin says someday neighbors will look out and wonder why there is a grown man wearing kids' clothes on their roof.

Calvin asks Dad what it means when someone says they'll "give it the ol' college try". Dad tells him you join your friends, get cheap beer, eat a pizza and forget about tomorrow. Mom says that isn't what it means. Dad asks where she went to college.

Mom is shaking while she tells Calvin that's been enough. Outside, Calvin is shaking. He tells Hobbes that Mom was moving strangely today. Hobbes tells him that she might be right about how much sugar he puts on his cereal.

Mom and Dad are hiking. Calvin bounces along behind them on a chair, saying it's not so bad this way. Dad says they won't carry Calvin. He trudges along, saying this is so much work.

Stupidopolis is a thriving coastal city built near a fault line. A giant wave crashes into the city. Calvin is laughing on the beach. Dad asks Mom why Calvin builds everything so close to the water. He says it's stupid. Mom says Calvin doesn't seem to mind doing it over and over.

Calvin hands Mom the library book she had gotten. He says he read it. Mom asks what Calvin thought of it. Calvin tells her it made him see things differently. He has a lot to think about. Mom says she's glad he enjoyed it. Calvin tells her it's complicating his life and not to get him any more.

Mom picks up the two tons of tenderloin from the butcher. She stands with a chainsaw in her hand, calling Calvin for lunch. A tyrannosaurus stands behind Mom saying he likes mustard, not mayonnaise. Mom says maybe he should fix his own triceratops sandwich.

Calvin slowly walks in the heat. He starts to melt. Finally, he is a puddle of water. The puddle evaporates in the heat. The evaporation creates a cloud that starts raining. Calvin is revitalized and runs off naked. Mom finds his clothes on the sidewalk and says "not again".

Mom tells Calvin she'd like him to pick up his room. Calvin asks if he'll get paid. Mom says no. Calvin asks how he knows it's important if he doesn't get paid. Mom clarifies that you can trust a mother on that.

Spreading butter on his toast, Calvin notices there is no butter on the dish. He says his toast will get cold while he gets another stick from the refrigerator. He complains that he's suffered enough. He asks where it will all end. As he walks by, he sees Mom and Dad looking at him. Calvin calls them Mr. and Mrs. Empathy.

Calvin says "Oh boy! It's bedtime!" and runs to push a button on the wall. He is sprung up to hands that remove his shirt and pants, past another pair of hands that remove his underwear, down a chute that drops him into the bathtub. He gets out and towels himself dry. Down a trap door, where his pajamas are put on. Down into bed he goes. Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. Calvin says he hates getting ready for bed.

Mom stands in the doorway, cup of coffee in hand. It's barely sunrise. Calvin has a flag in hand and is running off to play. Mom says just once she'd like to see him manage that during the school year.

Mom yells for Calvin to come in. He complains it's not dark yet. Mom tells him she didn't say it was, but it is time to come in. In the bathtub, Calvin says it's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out.

Calvin is in the bathtub, with water all over the floor. The toilet tank lid is askew, clothes lie on the vanity, cabinet doors are open. Calvin angrily asks if he couldn't be sedated for this. Dripping wet, Mom says she wishes.

Calvin looks at his food plate. It sneezes and covers Calvin with food. Calvin takes the plate back to Mom and tells her the food is allergic to him.

In poem form, Calvin says Mom and Dad aren't what they seem. They are outer space alien freaks. They landed in spaceships humongous, now they walk among us. He knows the truth, they're here to spoil his youth. Each morning, as the sun rises, they put on their earthling disguises. He knew their masks weren't legit, the faces are lined, they sag and don't fit. They're slaves to routine, they're almost machines. He can't escape their alien gaze, they warp his mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots, this is a gem. They're raising him up to turn him into them.

Calvin asks Mom for some string. When she asks why, Calvin tells her it's for a wick. He's saving all his ear wax to make a candle. Mom is grossed out. He asks her if he can make a set of crayons.

Mom answers the phone and says she isn't interested. She keeps trying to get off the phone with the sales person. Finally, she yells into the phone that she has a life beyond this sales pitch and it's being intruded upon. Angrily, Mom says there would be move civility in the world if people didn't take it as an invitation to walk on you. Calvin walks by saying he's only civil because he doesn't know any swear words.

Susie waits for the school bus and hears a noise. Calvin is being dragged by Mom. He has his blanket, which is dragging the lamp, phone, cereal, and school books along with it. Mom angrily stands next to Calvin, who's also standing angrily. Susie glances at them. The bus comes. Mom smiles, while Calvin is horrified and starts running. Mom catches him and stuff him onto the bus. As the bus drives off, Susie asks Calvin if he knows that nobody on their street sets an alarm clock in the morning. Calvin tells her to shut up.

Hobbes gets to eat with Calvin at the table for dinner. They get to eat early and have grilled cheese sandwiches. Calvin says this is more like it. Mom serves his sandwich, and Calvin notices Mom is dressed nicely. Calvin suspects something.

Calvin is holding onto Mom's leg. Dad is pulling one of Calvin's legs to get him off. Calvin sees Rosalyn. Dad tells Rosalyn the neighbors' numbers are by the phone, and could she pull a leg? Rosalyn asks if she told them her rates have doubled.

Calvin tells Hobbes that if he does all his homework, they get to stay up to play Calvinball. Calvin finishes his math homework and starts his history work. At the restaurant, Mom says they're there to have a nice time and not to think of what trouble Calvin's getting into. Dad spins around and says that sounded like another siren.

Dad pulls up and sees the house is still standing. Mom asks how everything is. Rosalyn tells them everything's fine. She says Calvin did his homework, they played a game, and Calvin went to bed. Dad says it's awfully late for jokes. In bed, Calvin says he noticed that when they play games with girls, Hobbes gets captured a lot. Hobbes says some of us are just irresistible.

Calvin hates Sundays. The day off is ruined knowing you have to go to school the next day. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get his chores done now, so they can enjoy the rest of the day without worry. Calvin hates to delay fun, but he thinks Hobbes might be onto something. They clean the bedroom, do homework, get clothes ready, make lunch, and take a bath. Off they go to play. Mom sees them and says it's time for bed. Calvin says he isn't going to listen to Hobbes again. Hobbes agrees they should never put the low priorities first.

Mom wakes Calvin for school. He gets dressed. Mom looks in to see Calvin is dressed. Calvin crawls back in bed, saying that should throw them off the trail for awhile.

Dad sees several choices of peanut butter. He wonders who demands so much choice. He says he'll quit his job and devote his live to choosing peanut butter. He'll compare brands and ingredients. He'll compare sizes and prices. He'll drive around seeing what other stores have. At home, Dad tells Mom that she should do the shopping. She asks if the manager had to talk to him again. Calvin wonders where the peanut butter is.

Mom tosses Calvin out the door to catch the school bus. Miss Wormwood is frustrated with his paper. Moe steals the ball from him. Calvin can't figure out the math problem in front of the class. Calvin drags mud in on his shoes, and Mom yells at him. Finally, Calvin goes outside to play. He tells Hobbes the world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.

Calvin asks Mom if they can go to the arboretum, since he has to collect leaves for the school project. Mom says they can go that weekend. Calvin thinks it would be better if they did it sooner. Mom asks when it's due. Calvin says the notebook is in the car and the park closes in twenty minutes. Mom says she's making dinner.

Mom tells Calvin he can't watch TV until his leaf collection is done. He says it's getting done as they speak. Mom asks what he means. She wants to see the collection. Calvin says she should sit down. Upstairs, Calvin grumpily walks in saying Mom didn't even want to hear about it.

Asleep in bed, Hobbes yawns and rolls over, taking Calvin's blanket. Calvin tries to pull it back to no avail. He then rolls Hobbes back over, only to find he is at the edge of the bed. He pushes Hobbes back over again, and there goes the blanket with Hobbes. Calvin goes to Mom and Dad's bedroom. He crawls into bed next to Mom and rolls over. There goes the blanket, leaving Dad without any cover.

Calvin turns a tree into a transport pod and descends underground. He gets out of the pod, and a robot salutes him. He climbs into a spaceship and flies to a space station. He tells Mom he's home. Calvin looks around his house. He tells Mom his life could stand a lot more pizazz. Mom is vacuuming. She says he should tell her about it.

Dad watches television. He sees another extreme close-up of someone's anguish. He wonders why cameras zoom in so close you can't see their entire head. He asks if they think he can't read the person's expression from more than two inches away. He calls it a violation of personal space. It's a heartless assault on human dignity. Mom asks why he's standing against the wall. Dad says he's watching television.

Calvin's toast is burned. He complains that he can't eat it, and that it's ruined. Mom walks by and tells him to stick another piece of bread in and watch it this time. Calvin asks if she's suggesting the appliance didn't aggravate him with malice aforethought.

Snuggled under blankets, Calvin says he doesn't want to leave his warm bed. He wishes Mom would lay an extra blanket on him, pat his head, and he'd sink into the pillow. Mom yells in this is the third time she's called Calvin. She says Calvin will miss the bus. Shivering, Calvin gets up and says these mornings are going to kill him.

There is one piece of pie left. Calvin tells Mom he wants the last piece. He doesn't want her to divide it. He wants it all. Mom tells him not to be selfish. Calvin asks if the real message is to be dishonest. Mom gives him the piece of pie.

Calvin runs out of the house, late for the school bus. He makes it, but realizes he left his lunch. Mom sees the lunch and runs to give it to Calvin. They miss each other. Mom is at the bus stop, and Calvin is inside looking for lunch. Mom and Calvin finally hook up, only to see the school bus taking off. They yell at each other. Mom angrily takes Calvin to school. Mom goes into the house. Calvin realizes something. Mom sees the books Calvin left in the house when he had gone in looking for his lunch.

Calvin calls Mom at home. She asks if something is wrong. Calvin is fine and is at recess. Mom asks why he's calling her. He says he's actually calling Hobbes and asks Mom to put him on the phone. Calvin trudges away, saying he has to get his own secretary.

Mom asks Calvin to gather the trash. Calvin asks what he gets in return. Mom explains they'll feed, clothe, shelter, and educate him throughout his entire youth. Calvin carries the trash saying he hates having things put into perspective.

Calvin stops at a corner in the house. He takes off a shoe and flips it past the corner. Hobbes pounces on it. At the shoe store, Mom asks how anyone could wear out shoes so fast. Calvin tells her he leads a rugged life.

Mom asks who's at the door. Calvin tells her it's the Girl Scouts. He whisks the aliens outside. He tells them he'll see what he can do about fixing the climate. Mom asks where the Girl Scouts went. Calvin says they had to earn a merit badge.