Susie asks to join Calvin eating lunch. Calvin tells Susie he has a squid eyeball sandwich. Susie doesn't believe him and tells him not to be so disgusting. Calvin replies by indicating he likes to suck out the retinas. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood, while Calvin asks whether she wants a bite of his sandwich or was just leaving.

Calvin, up in a tree house, tells Susie she can't come up and that no girls are allowed. Susie wonders why he would think she'd want to sit up in a tree anyway. Calvin thinks about that and decides she's taken all the fun out of sex discrimination.

Calvin has a stand by the sidewalk selling insurance. Susie stops by and says what a dumb idea that is and asks why anyone would buy insurance from him. Calvin then pulls out a slingshot and fires a round at Susie.

Susie asks Calvin whether he wants to play house. Calvin asks how you play. Susie explains that he comes home from work, then she does. Then, they argue about their jobs and about who will microwave dinner.

Calvin smacks Susie in the back of the head with a snowball. Susie, enraged, rolls up a huge snowball. Calvin taunts Susie about the size of the snowball and her inability to throw it. Susie walks up to Calvin, picks him up, and deposits him in the snowball.

Calvin and Susie are walking to school. Calvin asks what Susie is bringing to show and tell. Susie replies she has a note she wrote to her Congressman. Calvin is bringing some dead bugs he got from his windowsills. As Susie leaves, Calvin says that this way, his Mom didn't even have to pack a lunch.

In school, Susie hands Calvin a note and asks him to pass it to Jessica. She asks he not read it, because it's a secret note. Calvin takes the note, gets a mischievous look on his face, and reads the note. It calls Calvin a stinkhead and says she told him not to read it.

Calvin fumes from being humiliated and vows Susie will be sorry if she passes another note to him. Susie then does just that. She gives Calvin another secret note for Jessica. This time, Calvin yells to Miss Wormwood that Susie is passing notes and that she should read the note to the class. Miss Wormwood reads the note telling Jessica that Calvin is a squealer. Calvin murmurs a comment to Susie about hoping she knows a good dentist.

Susie and Calvin are on their way to the principal's office as Susie stops to wonder if they'll get paddled. She believes she won't because she's a girl. Calvin wonders why that makes a difference. Susie informs him that girls have more delicate heinies.

Susie is complaining to Calvin about not wanting to get spanked. She's worried it will go on their academic transcripts. She sniffles. Then, she unleashes a threat to Calvin that he'll answer to her parents if Susie doesn't get a Master's degree.

The principal calls Susie and Calvin into his office. Susie yells that it's all Calvin's fault. Calvin yells that Susie's started it. Calvin wants to know if they're getting spanked. Susie promises to never pass notes again. They both cry and wish they were dead. The principal looks up and thinks that he hates his job.

The principal tells Susie and Calvin he wants them to pay more attention in class. Susie agrees. The principal tells them to return to their class. Susie heads off. Calvin just stands in front of the principal's desk as he repeats himself about going back to class. Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" as the Zorg draws near.

Susie calls Calvin a baloney brain. She yells at him for giving her a hate-mail valentine and dead flowers. She smacks him with a snowball. As she walks off, she smiles and thinks Calvin likes her because of the valentine and flowers. Calvin, buried in the snow, thinks Susie likes him because she noticed the gifts he sent.

Calvin asks Hobbes what it's like to be in love. Hobbes describes your heart falling into your stomach, you sweat and get woozy and that you babble like a cretin until she leaves. Calvin is surprised that is what love is. He felt that way once, but thought it was cooties.

Calvin offers to show Susie a magic trick. He asks for a quarter. Then, he says he'll disappear. Susie doesn't think it's very funny and starts pounding Calvin as he pleads that it was a trick.

Calvin's lunch bag attacks him. After a titanic struggle, Calvin kills it with his thermos. He shows Susie that the lunch is bleeding jelly. Susie now realizes why the seat next to Calvin wasn't taken.

Spaceman Spiff spies a Zarg. He readies his blaster. Susie turns around and warns Calvin that if he shoots her with that paper clip, she'll have him hauled to the principal's office so fast he'll think he's in a time warp. Spiff is confounded by his jammed blaster.

Spaceman Spiff, in his spacecraft, closes in on the Zargons. He's going to teach that alien scum that virtue is its own reward. Susie asks Calvin what the capital of Poland until 1600 was. He replies "Krakow". Susie thanks him as Calvin keeps shooting at the Zargons...krakow, krakow, two direct hits.

Spaceman Spiff closes in on the alien vehicle. The alien is unaware of its imminent doom. Spiff readies his frap-ray blaster. Calvin has a book in his hand, standing on his desk, ready to smack Susie on the head. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood. Calvin calls for evasive action from the Gorkon death station.

Susie Derkins is walking along and comes upon Hobbes lying in the grass. She notices it looks like a dog has been chewing on him. She picks him up, figuring a tea party with other stuffed animals might not hurt.

Calvin is walking along a wall yelling for Hobbes. Susie asks if Calvin would like to join her tea party. Calvin angrily declines, saying he's looking for his friend who's been kidnapped by a dog. Susie sits at her tea set talking to Mr. Tiger (Hobbes) about how rude Mr. Calvin is.

Calvin decides to ask Susie to keep an eye open for Hobbes. When he goes back to tell her, he sees Hobbes at the tea set. Calvin kisses Susie's hand and thanks her profusely for finding Hobbes. Susie talks to her rabbit about what a gentleman Mr. Calvin is, but notices all the cookies are gone.

Calvin asks Susie if she wants to know a secret. Calvin tells her he thinks the principal is a space alien spy. He goes on to say the spy is corrupting their minds so they'll be unable to resist when his people invade earth. He asks Susie not to tell anyone. She reassures him not to worry.

Susie Derkins comes up to Calvin and Hobbes sitting under a tree. She asks what they're doing. Calvin hustles her away by saying they're doing important secret things. Susie calls Calvin a dandelion head and decides she doesn't care what he's doing. Calvin reiterates they're having fun and doing great things. After Susie is gone, Hobbes says that he thought they were bored out of their skulls. Calvin tells him he doesn't know anything.

Susie is walking back complaining that Calvin is so mean. She tries to be friends, but he treats her like a nobody. Susie feels she doesn't need a friend. She can have fun by herself. As she sits alone on a rock with a stick in her hand, she dejectedly says "Poop".

Calvin approaches Susie and tells her she can play with them if she wants. Susie thanks Calvin and proceeds to establish the rules of the game. She'll be the high-powered executive wife, Hobbes can be the unemployed, housekeeping husband, and Calvin can be the bratty and brainless kid in the day care center. Off Susie goes to Wall Street. Calvin reminds Hobbes this was his idea and calls Hobbes a pea brain. Hobbes scolds Calvin for talking that way to his father.

Calvin and Hobbes, both making faces, come up to Susie. Calvin figures she'll be horrified at their frozen faces. They exchange pleasant greetings, then Susie asks if Calvin got his head stuck in a blender. She says it's an improvement.

Susie tells Calvin she saw a turtle at the creek. Calvin says he's seen hundreds of turtles, that it's no big deal. He wonders who wants to see another dumb old turtle. Shortly after, Susie catches Calvin at the creek looking for the turtle.

Spaceman Spiff crashes. The atmosphere is hardly breathable. Spiff looks for life, but notices a gelatinous blob of muck coming after him. His blaster is useless. He tries to escape, but the stench envelops him. Calvin is playing with his food. Susie tells him to leave the cafeteria's tapioca alone if he doesn't like it.

Calvin sees Susie coming. He throws a pine cone at her. Suddenly, the pine cone comes whizzing back at Calvin and smacks him. Susie walks down the street carrying her lacrosse stick.

Susie wants to squeeze Calvin's stuffed tiger. Calvin warns her that Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast. Susie thinks he looks cuddly. Calvin continues to explain about Hobbes' terrible mandibles of bone-crushing death. Calvin warns of mighty paws with razor-sharp claws. He concludes that Hobbes is a monster. Susie thinks Hobbes is cute and gives him a big hug. Calvin asks Hobbes what happened to the mandibles of death. He calls him a sissy furball. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, says he was beguiled by her feminine charms. He also tells Calvin to go soak his head.

While taking a test, Calvin asks Susie what 12 + 7 is. Susie tells him a billion. Calvin realizes that can't be right, since that's what Susie said 3 + 4 was.

Susie asks Calvin if he has his line memorized for the play. Calvin says he's still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role. He asks Susie what she is. She replies "Fat". Calvin says "No. I mean in the play". She smacks him and asks whether anyone else wants to say it. Calvin lies in a heap on the sidewalk calling for his understudy.

Miss Wormwood asks Susie where Calvin is. Susie says she doesn't know, that he was just there a minute ago. She wonders if he went to the bathroom. Miss Wormwood says he's on stage in two minutes. He picked a fine time to go to the bathroom. Calvin, in the bathroom, says it's a fine time to get stuck in his costume zipper.

Susie asks Calvin if he wants to trade sandwiches. He tells her no, that he's got his favorite kind. He asks Susie what kind she has, and she replies peanut butter. Calvin says his is processed mouse loaf. Susie doesn't believe it, saying it looks like egg salad. Calvin picks a piece off the sandwich and holds it up. He offers it to Susie to try. He thinks it's a whisker and is good. Susie is so grossed out she doesn't want her own sandwich now. Calvin wants to know what kind of cookies she has.

Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He's lost his homework assignment and wants to know what they're supposed to read for tomorrow. Susie suggests he's calling for some other reason. Calvin wonders why else he would call her. She suggests he misses the melodious sound of her voice. Calvin says she's crazy, and he just wants the assignment. Susie wants to hear Calvin tell her he misses the sound of her voice. Calvin yells that "This is blackmail!".

Susie is walking along in the snow. A snowball flies overhead. Suddenly, several snowballs come toward her, but none hit. Calvin is standing in the distance next to a wheelbarrow with some snowballs in it. Susie yells that for all the preparation, Calvin is sure a lousy shot.

Susie wipes a tear from her eye. She wonders why Calvin is so mean. She wishes she had a hundred friends, then she wouldn't care what Calvin said. She goes on to say she and her hundred friends would go do something fun and leave Calvin all alone. But then, Susie sits down. She says that as long as she's dreaming, she also wants a pony.

Susie walks through the snow saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". She walks along smiling, then drops her head down and says "Yeah, right".

Calvin walks up to Susie and haltingly starts to apologize. Susie tells him to get lost and that he's mean. She walks away. Calvin yells after her that she shouldn't walk away, he's trying to apologize. Then, he calls her a dumb noodleloaf. He smacks himself on the forehead.

Calvin runs after Susie. He tells her he's sorry he called her names and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Susie says her feelings were hurt, but that she accepts his apology. Calvin happily runs off saying that goodness that's over with. Susie yells after him that on second thought, he should grovel a little bit.

Susie opens the door, and Calvin hands her the gift. She thanks them for coming and they step inside. She notices Hobbes is wearing a tie. She picks him up and hugs him. Grudgingly, Calvin tells Hobbes that he was right about girls flipping for ties and that he can stop winking at him.

Susie has a scavenger hunt at her party. Off go Calvin and Hobbes for the first item, an old license plate. Calvin remembers seeing one on their way over to Susie's. He pulls out his Swiss army knife and starts to remove the plate from a car. Hobbes wonders if this game is legal.

Susie hands Calvin a paper plate for his piece of birthday cake. Calvin whispers to Hobbes that he hopes the cake is something good and not gross like coconut. Hobbes tells him not to worry, the cake is chocolate. Calvin asks if he saw the cake. Susie yells that someone cut a piece out already, and that she didn't even get to blow out the candles. Hobbes whispers that it's nice and moist, too.

Susie thanks Calvin and Hobbes for coming to her party and for her gift. Calvin and Hobbes are walking home, and Calvin stops. He digs into his pocket while something puddles up on the ground. He says Mom may not want the piece of cake and ice cream they're bringing her.

Calvin asks Susie what the teacher is handing out. Susie tells him it's their report cards. Calvin asks if they're being graded. Susie replies yes. Calvin asks if they don't get a few practice semesters.

Susie is shocked at Calvin's hair. She reminds him it's class picture day. He tells her that's why he did it. Susie wonders if his Mom knows he looks like that. Calvin tells her "sort of". He says Hobbes fixed him up at the bus stop. Susie puts her head in her hands and wishes she had some Crisco. Calvin can't wait till Mom sends his picture to Grandma.

Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the sofa watching television. Calvin thinks there is nothing better for spending weekends. Dad tells him he's been watching television all day and needs to get out and do something. He says kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air, have fun, and get some exercise. Dad closes the door on them. They walk over to Susie's house. Calvin asks if she's watching TV and wonders if they can come in. Susie says they can, but to hurry. There's a commercial on.

Calvin comes out from his box looking himself. Hobbes compliments him on how well his machine works. They're trying to decide what to do with it next. As Susie walks by, Calvin says he could turn her into a bowl of chowder if he could just get her into the machine. Susie will have no part of it, though. She tells Calvin to leave her out of his life's plans.

Calvin asks Susie who's sitting at Miss Wormwood's desk. Susie tells him that Miss Wormwood is sick, and they have a substitute teacher. Calvin yells that he wants to see her teaching certificate.

Calvin gleefully pulls out a snowball from the freezer. Susie is playing on the sidewalk. Calvin knows she'll never expect a snowball in June. He sneaks up on her and throws. PIFF! He misses her. He starts ranting about how he had bad luck. He figures there was a cross-wind. While Calvin is complaining, Susie repacks the snowball and looks at Calvin. POW! Calvin lies on the sidewalk with his face covered in snow as Susie walks off smiling. Calvin says the irony of this is just sickening.

Susie asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin shushes her quiet. He and Hobbes are having a water fight. Susie asks if she can play. Calvin scoffs at her saying war is a manly art. She supposes anything that idiotic must have to be. She asks if she can play or not. Calvin thinks she might prefer making smart remarks.

Susie again asks Calvin if she can join their water fight. She has her own water pistol at home. Calvin says it's alright, but she'll have to fight against both Calvin and Hobbes. Susie happily runs off saying she can beat him and his stuffed tiger any day. Calvin tells Hobbes that Susie is going to join them. Hobbes is wearing a pair of trunks and thinks girls flip for guys in Jams.

Susie comes over with her water gun. She sees Hobbes and thinks he's cute wearing his Jams. She gives him a squeeze. Calvin tells her to quit it and to go around the house to count till 50. Then, they'll start. Calvin scolds Hobbes for his Jams. He reminds him they're at war. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, tells Calvin he's just jealous. Hobbes says Susie is a babe.

Calvin lays out the strategy to Hobbes. They'll split up with one of them going around the house in each direction. Calvin will draw Susie's fire, then Hobbes will sneak up from behind and hit her with a water balloon. Susie sneaks around the house, finding Hobbes sitting there with a water balloon. She thanks him for the water balloon and for being a great double agent.

Calvin charges Susie, squirting her with his water pistol. He stops when he notices she has Hobbes' water balloon. BLOOSH! Calvin gets smacked with the balloon. A dripping Calvin promises Hobbes he'll hang for this and calls him a traitor. Hobbes defends himself by declaring he's easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit.

Calvin continues to complain to Hobbes, who is standing with arms crossed and a stern look on his face. Calvin says his best friend betrayed him, and he got soaked with his teammate's own water balloon. Calvin calls him a Benedict Arnold. Hobbes says he'd do it again. Susie likes his Jams. Calvin tells him not to talk to him. Hobbes sticks his tongue out at Calvin and says "Promises, promises". Susie walks over to Calvin, who is lying on the ground with Hobbes lying on top of him. Calvin tells Susie to get the traitor off of him, and that he cheats when he fights, too.

Susie comes over with Mr. Bun to play house. She and Calvin can be the parents, Mr. Bun and Hobbes the children. Calvin doesn't like that idea. He tells Susie he's not going to drop his big plans with Hobbes so he can play with a stuffed rabbit. Susie angrily says she doesn't know why he always plays with his tiger and never with her and Mr. Bun. She says he's just mean. Calvin dismisses Susie by telling her to go play in a microwave. Calvin tells Hobbes girls are like slugs. They probably serve a purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

During a test at school, Calvin asks Susie the answer to question four is. She replies "Imadoofus". Calvin writes it down. He then thinks about it. He makes a fist and tells Susie the tooth fairy is going to make her rich tonight.

Calvin asks to see what Susie drew for art class. Calvin sees a tidy, domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Calvin accuses girls of thinking small and being preoccupied with petty details. Boys, on the other hand, think about action and accomplishment. Calvin says it's no wonder it's men who change the world. Susie asks what he drew. Calvin proudly shows a squadron of B-1s nuking New York.

Susie asks Calvin why he brought his stuffed tiger to school. Calvin tells her Hobbes is going to give Moe a "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Susie asks how that will happen. Calvin says she probably doesn't want to know if she has an aversion to descriptions of carnage. Susie tells him that talking with him is the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience.

In the school cafeteria, Calvin tells Susie processed lunch meat is scary. He asks what the little specks are, lizard parts? Who knows? He peels the "skin" off the meat and tells Susie he heard it used to be intestine, but he thinks it nowadays is plastic. He tells her they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. Calvin eats a Twinkie and says if it wasn't for those, he'd probably be dead now. Susie puts her head down and says her mom wonders why she's so hungry after school.

Stupendous Man hears a cry of distress. He leaps to the edge of the building he's on and prepares to swoop down to the rescue. Stupendous Man didn't realize how high the building was, or that the winds at that altitude were tricky. Calvin sits at the top of the slide. Susie is behind him asking if he's going or needs a push. Calvin yells for her not to push him.

Calvin asks Susie what she has for lunch. Susie tells him not to even talk to her. She doesn't want to hear how disgusting he thinks her lunch is. Calvin tells her to relax. He wasn't going to say anything about her lunch. He asks her to pass the salt. He opens his sandwich and sprinkles the salt on it. He tells her slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.

Susie tells Calvin they have a substitute teacher today. Horrified, Calvin says that must mean their real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors. Calvin warns that they are trying to subvert little kids with subliminal messages in the textbooks that tell them to turn in their parents when the Saturnians attack. The earth will be rendered helpless. Susie thinks one of them has been eating too much paste in art class. Calvin proudly says he's too smart for them. He doesn't read his assignments.

Calvin hides behind a tree and throws a snowball at Susie. It hits her in the back of the head. Calvin gloats over having hit her. Susie complains that it knocked her eyeball out. She tells Calvin to find it, so they can pack it in snow and save it. Calvin apologizes. He didn't know eyeballs could come out. He wants to see her eye socket. He's looking in the snow and asks if she knows where it rolled. Susie kicks Calvin into the snow. She had been faking all along. Hobbes comes by to see Calvin face down in the snow. He asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells him his eyeball fell out and wants Hobbes to help him look for it.

Calvin can't believe he has to do an assignment with Susie. Susie warns him about doing a great job. She doesn't want to flunk because she got a doofus for a partner. Calvin reminds her that she picks her sandwiches apart and eats the ingredients separately. Susie wants to know what's wrong with that. Calvin says that makes her a grade "A" nimrod. Susie yells that it does not.

Calvin suggests that since they have to work together, they might as well get it done. He asks what they're supposed to be doing. Susie yells at him for not paying attention. She tells him that if she wasn't there to ask, he'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten. Calvin replies that some kids do poorly because the class is too slow, that the kid is too smart for the class. Susie rolls her eyes and says "Oh, right. You're too smart". Calvin goes on to point out that Einstein got bad grades in school, and Calvin's are even worse than his.

Calvin and Susie are in the library. Susie tells him they're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. Calvin wants to know what they've found out. Susie replies "nothing". She has no intention of doing all the work. Calvin figures she'd probably goof it all up if she did everything. Calvin wants to be management, with Susie being labor. He tells her to get some books. Susie shouts out to see if anyone wants to trade partners.

Susie catches Calvin drawing pictures of Martians instead of doing their paper. Susie can't believe that Calvin doesn't care. He's done nothing on the paper. Susie laments that she'll flunk and have to attend a second-rate college because her idiot partner was drawing Martians. Susie cries out "Why me". Calvin tries to make her feel better by showing her that the Martian moves when you flip the pages.

Susie warns Calvin their paper is due on Monday. He's goofed around all week. Susie tells him she'll let the teacher know she did all the work if he doesn't do his part over the weekend. Susie asks if she's getting through to him. Spaceman Spiff says the alien seems to be trying to communicate.

Calvin is out sledding. He's called to the telephone. He runs in, takes off his boots, and picks up the phone. Susie yells at him "Why aren't you at the library".

Susie reminds Calvin they do their report today. She asks if he did his half. Calvin indignantly replies that he did. He's sure his half will make Susie's half look pathetic. She warns him "It had better be good...or else". Calvin sits down and starts to write his report. He titles it "The Planet Mercury - an exhaustively researched report by Calvin".

Susie finishes her part of the report and tells the class Calvin will talk about the mythology of Mercury. Calvin thanks the crowd, says they look good, tells them to give themselves a hand. He then tells the class a funny thing happened to him on the way to the library. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that this isn't her fault.

Calvin tells the class the planet Mercury was named after a Roman god with winged feet. He says Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets. That's why he's the registered trademark of FTD florists. Calvin offers that he has no idea why they named a planet after the guy. Calvin quickly adds "Back to you, Susie" as he sees her coming toward him with fist cocked.

Calvin jumps into the snow, stomping out patterns. When he's finished, he tells Susie he found dinosaur tracks. Calvin says it's pretty scary with dinosaurs in the neighborhood. Susie walks off saying the dinosaur tracks are made with size five, treaded toes. Calvin imagines being the dinosaur throwing a snowball at Susie.

Calvin and Susie are at the cafeteria table. Calvin tells her his lunch is extra special. He explains he's been swatting flies and putting them in a jar. He got enough to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. He calls it "bug butter" and offers Susie a taste. Susie looks at Calvin and asks if he has any friends at all.

Calvin has his hands clasped and asks Susie to guess what's in his hands. She wonders if it's disgusting. Calvin mulls that over. She asks if it's some creepy, gooey thing no one in his right mind would want to look at. Calvin offers that it depends on your point of view. Susie walks off, saying she isn't going to guess. Calvin tells her she might as well. She's nine-tenths there.

Hobbes is in the tree fort. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him up. Hobbes says he might be some other kid in disguise. Calvin calls Hobbes a hairball barfer. Hobbes says he can stay down on the ground forever. Calvin sees Susie coming and wants to be let up so they can throw things at her. Calvin apologizes for insulting Hobbes. He wants the rope dropped down. Hobbes tells him he has to say the password. Susie comes up behind him as he's on the seventh verse of the poem password. Susie says she was going to ask him to come over and play house, but she thinks he'd be a weird example for their children. Calvin yells up to Hobbes saying one of these days he'll make Hobbes into a rug.

Calvin whispers to Susie, who's sitting in the desk ahead of Calvin. He wants to copy her paper. She tells him no. He sits and pouts. Then, he reaches into his desk for something. The teacher shouts his name when she sees him holding a periscope, looking over Susie's shoulder at her paper.

Calvin is in the sandbox, buried up to his waist. He reaches out to Susie and yells for her to get help. He says somebody filled his sandbox with quicksand, and he's sinking fast. Susie turns around and says to give her a break. Calvin yells back that her gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasn't so darn cynical.

Susie is just missed by a suction dart arrow. She hands it back to Calvin, dressed in an Indian costume holding a bow. She asks if the arrow is his. He says no, and asks what it is. Susie sticks the arrow onto his nose and knocks him down. On his back, Calvin says that for a girl, she's remarkably perceptive.

Calvin asks Susie what she's doing. She's drawing on the sidewalk. Calvin asks if he can join in. Susie hands him some chalk. Calvin starts drawing. He says he's never been a vandal before. Susie tells him this isn't vandalism. The chalk washes right off. Calvin flips the chalk down and walks off.

Calvin is waiting for the bus with Susie. He wonders what happened to summer. He can't believe it's time for school again. Susie says she couldn't wait for this day. They'll meet new friends, learn all sorts of important things. Calvin looks at her. When she asks what he's looking at, he tells her that her bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.

Calvin asks Susie to guess what he brought for lunch. Susie wants no part of it. She tells him to sit somewhere else. He always says lunch is something revolting. Calvin is indignant. He asks what's so disgusting about peanut butter. He shows her the sandwich. Susie says she's glad that one day out of the year, he can be civil. Calvin tells her it's his dessert that's disgusting, a thermos full of phlegm.

Calvin asks Susie if she had any trouble with the math homework last night. Susie says she didn't. He thought a couple answers were tricky. He asks if he can check his answers with her. Susie agrees. Calvin asks what she got for question one. Susie tells him. He says that's what he got as he writes down the answer. He asks what Susie got for question two. Susie tells him to drop dead.

Calvin asks if he can borrow Susie's black crayon. She hands it to him, but tells him not to break it, don't peel the paper off, and to color with both sides so it stays pointy. Calvin asks why she just doesn't take out an insurance policy on it. She tells him not to ruin the crayon. She asks what he's drawing. Calvin tells her black bears attacking a black forest campground at midnight. Susie demands her crayon back.

Calvin tells Susie it must be awful to be a girl. He goes on to say it must be frustrating to know men are bigger, stronger, and better at abstract thought than women. Calvin asks if you were a girl, what would make you go on living. Susie replies the thought of jerks like him begging one of them for a date when they're 17.

Calvin asks Susie what grade she got. She happily replies an "A". Calvin says he'd hate to be her. He got a "C". Susie asks why on earth would he rather get a "C" than an "A". Calvin tells her he finds his life is a lot easier the lower he keeps everyone's expectations.

Calvin has a slushball. He sees Susie coming and says this is his chance. Susie sees him cocking his arm. She tells him he'd better not throw the slushball. Santa Claus is watching him right now. Calvin stops, and he thinks. Finally, he lets loose the slushball. WHAP! Calvin rejoices. He says it was worth it. He's not sorry. It was beautiful, and he'd do it again in a minute. He laughs. Suddenly, he sees Susie coming after him. He runs. Calvin, now buried in snow, says Santa's going to skip this block for years.

Susie asks if Calvin brought something for show and tell. Calvin says yes. He brought some charred rocks and ashes from his back yard. He says it's dramatic proof UFO's landed near his house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into a fragile gray dust cube. Susie looks at it. She says it's an old charcoal briquette. Calvin says as they speak, aliens are infiltrating the highest levels of our government.

The giant octopus glides across the ocean floor. At the sight of an enemy, he releases a cloud of ink and makes his getaway. Susie is covered with ink, raising her hand and calling for Miss Wormwood.

Susie asks Calvin why he was late to school. Calvin tells her he was going to skip, but he got caught. When Susie asks how he got caught, Calvin tells her Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Susie asks if his Mom had to chase him. Calvin tells her he couldn't believe it when Mom cleared the hedge.

Calvin hides behind a tree. He plans to cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs. Susie is busy making a snowman. Calvin misses with the toss. He blames the cross breezes. Then he throws several snowball, which all miss Susie. She taunts him by saying he's the worst shot in the world. She says if it wasn't for gravity, he wouldn't hit the ground. SMACK! Susie gets nailed by a snowball. She runs after Calvin, who gleefully comments he did it when it really counted. After going home, Calvin tells Mom that he has bad news. He says he promised his soul to the devil that afternoon. Mom asks if it was that recently.

Calvin asks Susie to stand on the "X" he made in the snow. Susie asks why. Calvin says there's no reason. He dares her. She refuses, then walks away. Calvin pleads for her to do it, but Susie tells him to get lost. Calvin looks at his bunch of snowballs sitting on a plank lying on top a log. He says this may not work out as well as he thought.

Susie doesn't want Calvin to sit next to her at lunch. She doesn't want to know what revolting thing he has for lunch today. Calvin tells her to relax, he's not going to tell her what he has. Calvin looks at his sandwich and says he sure feels sorry for his tapeworm. Susie yells for Miss Wormwood.

Calvin gets a valentine in the mailbox. It's from Susie Derkins. Calvin reads the card, which says "Be my valentine". Hobbes starts making fun of Calvin. He starts singing "Calvin and Susie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Calvin says he's not her valentine just because he got that in the mail. He asks if the Postmaster General knows about this. Hobbes continues ridiculing Calvin by singing "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage". Calvin is horrified to think he has to kiss Susie if they're valentines. Calvin wants a lawyer. He says she can't make him her valentine. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Susie says hi to Calvin, who throws the valentine on the ground. He tells her to get away from him, and he's not her valentine. He tells her to take her card back. Susie tells Calvin the card wasn't for him. She asks if he read the back of the envelope. When Calvin looks at it, it reads "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes". Calvin is shocked! Hobbes, with a smile on his face, says "Hot Dog! Smooch City, here I come".

Susie says hi to Calvin. HMPH, he grumbles. Susie asks what's the matter. Calvin tells her to go step in front of a cement mixer. Susie calls Calvin a jerk. She tells him he can just stand there and be grumpy all by himself. Now Susie is frowning. Calvin gives a nasty smile and thinks nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.

Susie asks Calvin what he's so mad about. She asks if he didn't find all the bugs he needed for his insect collection. Susie asks where his collection is, since it's due today. Calvin, with a start, says he forgot his collection. Susie tells him to go home and get it. He might make it back before the bus arrives. Calvin gets on the ground and says that's not what he meant. He tells Susie to help him find some ants. She asks if he forgot it entirely.

Calvin is running around trying to catch bugs. He tells Susie to help him. She explains they were supposed to be working on the projects all month. She tells him he can't do the whole thing on the last morning while waiting for the bus. She asks how he could possibly have forgotten it. She tells him it's all the class has been doing. What has he been doing? Susie asks if he doesn't care about getting a good education. Calvin, on hands and knees looking for bugs, asks Susie if he can have any bugs that fly into her open mouth.

Susie tells him the bus is coming. Calvin finds a bug. Susie tells him he's wasting his time. The teacher will know he didn't spend any time on the collection. Calvin tells her to stall the bus driver. Susie reminds him they were supposed to have 50 insects. He'll be lucky to have any. Calvin jumps into the air and stomps on a bug. He holds his shoe up to Susie and asks what kind it is. He tells her to scrape it off. Susie runs off, telling him to get away from her.

On the bus, Calvin is still looking for bugs. He checks the bus window. Susie can't believe he's doing this. He tells her to ask another kid if he has bugs in his window. Susie tells him there's no way he'll complete an insect collection on the way to school. She tells him to forget it. He agrees. Then, Calvin asks Susie how much she wants for her collection. He starts at a quarter, then raises it to thirty cents. Susie replies that she spent a month on it.

Calvin looks at a puddle. He sees a worm. He asks if worms are bugs. Susie tells him that worm has been floating for days. Calvin has ten minutes before class starts. If he catches five bugs a minute, he'll get an "A". He finds another insect on the ground. Susie tells him that's a little ball of lint. Calvin is sure the teacher won't look real close at every hairy bug in 30 kids' collections.

The bell rings. Calvin doesn't have his insects. He has a drowned worm, a piece of fuzzy lint that looks like a bug, a live ant, and a smashed fly. Susie offers that if he scientifically names them in the next 30 seconds, he might get an "F+". Calvin asks if he has to label them, too. He was going to put them all in an envelope. Susie says she doesn't think there's any way he'll get an "F+". Calvin suggests that for all that work, he should at least get a "D".

Calvin asks how Susie mounted her bugs. She tells him with pins, in a box. Calvin decides to mount his bugs on notebook paper. Tape doesn't work too well as he tears the worm. He asks Susie for her paste. She makes a face and suggests at the rate he's going, maybe he'd prefer a stapler.

Calvin whispers over to Susie to help him think of scientific names of his bugs while the teacher's not looking. Susie tells him they're not supposed to talk in class. She tells him to do it himself. Miss Wormwood asks if Susie is having a pleasant conversation. Susie is horrified! Miss Wormwood asks her to move up front so she doesn't distract Calvin anymore. Calvin says he tried to get her to be quiet, but you know how girls are.

Susie is angry at her desk. She's mad at Calvin. He didn't do his assignment, he was the one who was talking, he should be sitting up front instead of her. As she covers her face with her hands, she thinks she wasn't doing anything wrong, but she got in trouble. She hopes Calvin feels bad about it. Calvin is writing Susie a note which asks her how the view is up there. He writes that he wants her to try to steal a chalkboard eraser for him.

Susie is passed a note. It's from Calvin. He wrote a poem. Roses are red, a deep crimson hue, when you got in trouble, you sure were too. Susie is enraged. She starts writing a note to Calvin, calling him dirty, rotten, lousy, stinking, and a nasty piece of moldy scum. As she's writing, Miss Wormwood catches her and asks if she's now writing notes in class. Once again, Susie is horrified!

Susie is being sent to the principal's office. She is very worried. She says it's all Calvin's fault. He got her in trouble. She wonders what she'll do. As she walks down the wide, empty hall toward the office, she says that they make the hall to the principal's office that wide on purpose.

Calvin, at his desk, thinks that Susie is really in trouble. He wipes his brow and thinks he got a break when the teacher blamed Susie for everything. Suddenly, he worries if Susie will rat on him, if they'll make her sing, if she'll squeal, and if she'll finger him. Susie is talking to the principal. She tells him she was worried he wouldn't believe her. The principal brings out a folder bulging with papers. He says they have quite a file on their friend, Calvin.

Calvin sees Susie returning from the principal's office. He thinks she looks pale. He wonders what happened. Calvin whispers over to her. He asks what they did to her. Did she get expelled? He asks if she snitched on him, and Susie looks at him with an evil smile. Calvin says she's a stoolie, a canary. She tells him he's going up the river.

Calvin and Hobbes are wearing paper hats. Susie Derkins comes along and asks if she can make one, too. Calvin tells her these are the official hats of the G.R.O.S.S. club. Susie asks about the "slimy girls" part. Calvin says he knows it's redundant, but otherwise it didn't spell anything. Susie yells that girls aren't slimy. Calvin tells her not to get gunk on him. He took a bath last Saturday, and he's all clean.

Susie can't believe he started a secret club to exclude girls. She tells Calvin he's the meanest, most rotten little kid she knows. She tells him to play with his stuffed tiger. She doesn't want to play with a stinker like him, anyway. Susie walks away. Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club.

Susie asks if she can play with Calvin. Calvin informs Susie that he and Hobbes aren't playing. They're doing important things and don't need her to mess them up. It doesn't look to Susie like they're doing anything important. Calvin tells her he's spent too much time talking with her and to go away. She says he's just playing in the mud. Calvin tells her that's what it looks like to ignorant girls like her. He tells her to get lost. Susie says she's got better things to do than sitting in the mud like a pig. Calvin gets angry! He says he'll show her as he grabs some mud. Susie taunts him by saying he shouldn't bend over, his curly pink tail shows. Calvin throws mud at Susie, but misses. She taunts him as she runs away. Calvin steams back to Hobbes. Hobbes calls spring that magical time of year when a young man's fancy turns to love. Calvin tells him to shut up.

A woman comes home and tells her husband that she stopped at the hospital on the way home. She brought home their new baby. The husband doesn't want a baby. The woman cuddles the baby, which is actually a rabbit. The husband wonders why their baby is a rabbit. The woman says it's not a rabbit, it's a baby boy. The husband says it looks like a rabbit to him. The woman wants to pretend it's a baby. The husband says he won't. Calvin walks away, saying playing "house" makes him sick. Susie doesn't understand why he'll pretend with his tiger, but not with Mr. Bun.

Mom sees Calvin hiding behind a bush and asks what he's doing. He tells her to go away. He's going to throw some crab apples at Susie. Mom tells him no and makes him get rid of the crab apples. She says crab apples are hard and could hurt someone. Susie walks by and sees Calvin behind a bush and asks what he's doing. Calvin tells her to go away. He's going to throw a squishy old tomato at Mom.

Susie asks Calvin if he's excited about going to school. Susie shows the new notebooks and school supplies she has. Calvin rants that they won't make him learn a foreign language. He says if English is good enough for him, it's good enough for the rest of the world. Calvin folds his arms across his chest and says everyone should speak English or just shut up. Susie suggests he check the chemical content of his breakfast cereal. Calvin says they can make him go through grade eight, then he's outta here.

Calvin comes home and is pounced on by Hobbes. They're fighting as Susie asks what he's doing. She says he didn't even change out of his school clothes. Calvin explains that this maniac is so glad to see him that he blasts out like a big orange torpedo. A dog will wag its tail, but a tiger has to pounce on you. Susie asks if Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin says Hobbes enjoys the treachery and cunning of it all. He says it's their evil nature. Susie points out that Hobbes is just sitting there. Calvin says it's a big disguise. No one can fathom the savage mind of a jungle cat. He's a killer to the core. Susie walks off wishing her parents would move. Her diary gets weirder every day. Calvin looks at Hobbes and cocks his fist. He says to wipe off that grin or he'll do it for him.

Calvin asks Susie if she wrote her report. She did, it took all the evening. Calvin says it only took him 15 minutes. It doesn't take long when you know as much as he does. Susie asks to see the report. Calvin tells her she won't be setting the grade curve this time. She reads the title "Bats: The Big Bug Scourge of the Skies". Calvin points out the professional, clear plastic binder. Susie yells that bats aren't bugs.

Calvin asks Susie what she brought for lunch. Susie tells him a Swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. She says it's her favorite, so she doesn't want to hear what gross thing he brought. Calvin says he bought the school lunch today. He says it appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. Susie yells that those are beany-wienies. Calvin sticks out his tongue and says "Oh gross".

Susie asks Calvin if he's bringing Hobbes to school. Calvin says Hobbes is just keeping him company while he waits for the bus. Calvin goes on to say Hobbes has been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage Calvin's Christmas by making Calvin be bad. Calvin tells Susie that he asked Santa for such great presents that he can withstand any temptation. Susie asks what he asked for. Calvin tells her a heat-seeking guided missile. He figures five minutes with one of those babies makes up for the whole rotten month.

Calvin makes a snowball and rolls it down the hill. He watches it go down, then cheers. At the bottom of the hill, under a huge snowball, Susie yells back up the hill at Calvin.

Calvin throws a snowball at Susie that goes over her head. She makes fun of Calvin. He storms off with an angry expression. Susie looks started. She runs off with Calvin in close pursuit. He has a shovel full of snow in his hand.

Calvin has built a snowman that lies on the ground. Calvin has a saw in his hand, taking the top of the snowman off. Calvin tells Susie that while he's doing the brain surgery, she can build a donor and do a heart transplant. Susie walks off saying forget it. She's not going to play with him any more.

Calvin declares himself a genius. He has loaded snowballs onto his toboggan. He sees Susie building a snowman down the hill. He plans to zip down and pelt her silly with the snowballs. He tells Hobbes to steer, while he throws. Susie hears them coming. Calvin is telling Hobbes to steer closer. Then, they're too close. Calvin calls "Mayday". PIFF! They run into Susie's snowman. Calvin, lying in the snow, says another genius is thwarted by an incapable assistant. Susie has the head of her snowman in her hands above her head. She tells Calvin to look up.

Susie says hi to Calvin. The reply is that he's duplicate number two. Susie asks what he's talking about. He explains that they drew straws, and it's his day to go to school. They're taking turns. Susie says Calvin's so weird, she isn't going to talk to him. He says he's not Calvin. Susie wishes she lived someplace where she went to a normal bus stop. He asks if she'll help him find Calvin's locker.

WHAP! Susie gets smacked in the back of the head with a snowball. She asks Calvin if he threw it. Calvin pleads ignorance. Susie looks at Calvin's mittens and sees bits of gravel, bark, mud, and ice. She says it was his snowball. Calvin, lying in a pile of snow, says that's the problem with having a signature style.

Tracer figures he'll try the Derkins dame. Susie and he had never hit it off, occasionally they hit each other. Tracer says Susie has a face that suggests someone upstairs has a weird sense of humor. But he needed information. He figures she looks pretty smug for a dame with a head for numbers, but not much else. The question is, will she sing? Susie tells Calvin she will not tell him the answer and to do his own work.

Tracer's head was exploding with fireworks. When he came to, the pieces fit together. Jack and Joe's life were defined by integers. They were in a "numbers" racket. Back in the office, Tracer pulled the files on numbers big enough to keep Susie quiet and to want him out of the picture. Calvin answers 1,000,000,000 on his quiz. Case closed!

Susie stands in the snow saying winter has wrapped the land in a soft, white blanket, and the earth sleeps quietly. Suddenly, she hears yelling coming down the hill. It's Calvin, yelling at Hobbes to lean, yelling "look out below", "mayday", and "bail out". Calvin's sled crashes. He yells at Hobbes for almost getting them killed. They start fighting. Susie walks away, saying that when she grows up, she'll live in the tropics. Hobbes tells Calvin to get the sled out of the tree so they can do it again. Calvin wants to get a siren for the sled.

Susie happily builds a snowman. Calvin and Hobbes come rocketing down the hill on their sled. WUMP! The snowman goes down the hill on the sled. Susie, Calvin, and Hobbes are stacked up where the snowman used to be.

Susie comes over and asks if Calvin signed up to play baseball at recess. She says he must be the only one who didn't. The others are playing in the back fields. Calvin is the only boy on a playground full of girls. Susie says it looks that way. She asks if Calvin wants to teeter-totter with her. Calvin, shocked, says he's in Cootie Central and hasn't had his shots. Susie tells him stupidity produces antibodies. Calvin pulls his shirt over his mouth asking for an air filter.

Calvin is on the teeter-totter with Susie. She asks why he didn't sign up to play baseball. Calvin says he'd just rather run around. He says he hates the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. He says someone is always telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. He figures when he wants that, he'll join the Army and at least get paid.

Susie notices Calvin has a baseball glove. She asks if he signed up for recess baseball. Calvin tells her she's lucky girls don't have to put up with that nonsense. He says if a girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine. If a guy doesn't want to chase some stupid ball, he's called a wimp. He says girls have it easy. Susie replies boys aren't expected to live their lives twenty pounds underweight.

Spaceman Spiff zooms to the surface of Ahnooie-4. He sets off to search for sentient life. Spiff only discovers a hideous blob so stupid it just stares completely straight ahead, unaware of anything around it. Our hero decides to put the blob out of its misery. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that Calvin's shooting spit balls. Perplexed by the blob's resilience, Spiff adds more juice and prepares to fire again. A giant creature comes up behind him.

Susie knocks on Calvin's door. Stupendous Man answers. Susie asks what he is doing. Calvin tells her he was just about to use his stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry. He says duty calls, so he slams the door on Susie. A bolt of crimson streaks across the sky. He's off to save the day. Susie returns home. Her mom asks if they had an egg she could borrow. Susie says no one was home.

Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He asks her if she'd like to come over and play. Susie says he's never invited her before. In the background, Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. He tells her to go away. Mom says he's contagious and can't have anyone over to play. Calvin says she's spoiling the whole thing. He was trying to trick Susie into catching his bug. The phone hangs up. Susie calls to her Dad to see if there's any chance of him transferring.

Susie sees Calvin behind the tree. Calvin tells her to be quiet and asks if she's seen his bicycle. Calvin whispers to Susie that if his bike doesn't get him first, he's going to cut its spokes. He says she never saw him today. After Calvin leaves, Susie says her class voted Calvin "Most likely to be seen on the news some day".

In his underwear, Calvin walks up to Susie and says that he's Tarzan, king of the jungle. Susie asks if Calvin's Mom knows he's over there in his underpants. Calvin dejectedly walks off saying he doesn't think Jane ever said that to Tarzan.

Susie comes back and wonders what happened to her Binky Betsy. She knows she left her there, and she wonders if someone took her. Everything else is still there. Calvin and Hobbes are making a ransom note. Hobbes says he likes cut-and-paste. Calvin asks how much they should ask for. He thinks one hundred dollars.

Susie goes back inside telling her Mom that she can't find her doll. The doorbell rings. No one is there, but there is a note on the ground. Susie reads the note. It reads "Susie, if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front". It warns her not to call the police. It says she can't trace or find them. It's signed "Sincerely, Calvin".

Susie is outraged to receive a ransom note. She crumples the note and says he can't get away with this. She notices something else in the envelope. It's a picture of Binky Betsy tied to a chair. Susie is horrified. In their tree fort, Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club. Hobbes asks Calvin what he's going to do with his $50.

Calvin suggests walking real casually down the sidewalk to see if Susie put the hundred dollars by the tree. They march along with Calvin saying he enjoys his afternoon constitutional. Hobbes says it's quite invigorating. They see the envelope. Calvin figures they're rich. Hobbes says they should sneak up and get it. Susie is hiding behind the tree.

Calvin sets Hobbes down and tells him to watch for Susie while he counts the money to make sure it's all there. Calvin opens the envelope to find no money. There is a note. Calvin reads "now we're even". He wonders what that means. Susie has grabbed Hobbes and run off. Calvin notices Hobbes missing.

Calvin chases Susie, who's carrying Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to bite her. Susie reaches her home and closes the door. From an upstairs window, Susie yells down for him to get away from their door with that drill.

Calvin brings Susie's doll back to her house. Susie opens the door and tells Calvin she thinks she might rather have his tiger than her doll. She tells Calvin he can keep Binky Betsy. Calvin doesn't want a doll. Susie says he'll grow to like her. She has the cutest accessories you can buy. Calvin says he wants Hobbes. Susie tells him she thinks Hobbes likes it better there with her. Calvin yells that he does not.

Calvin offers to give Susie her doll and a quarter to return Hobbes. Susie agrees and tells Calvin to leave her stuff alone next time. They exchange and think each other are jerks. Later, Calvin asks Hobbes what kind of tiger he is. He didn't try to maul her. He asks what he was doing in Susie's house. Hobbes says wouldn't Calvin like to know.

Susie gives Calvin an invitation to a milk and cookie party. Calvin declines. He wouldn't attend if she paid him. Susie doesn't care and walks off. She calls Calvin a jerk and says she went to all the trouble to set up the table and chairs. She says to Mr. Bun they can have a nice party by themselves. Calvin happily tells Hobbes they showed her. Hobbes wonders what kind of cookies they were. Calvin and Hobbes go to the party. Susie is happy. Calvin says they don't attend parties, they crash them.

Calvin tells Susie his sandwich wiggled. He says there's a slug in his peanut butter. The sandwich attacks him. The peanut butter itself is alive. He has his sandwich on his face. He says it's going to suck out his eyeballs. Susie looks away, sickened. Calvin pulls the sandwich off and drowns it in chocolate milk. With his face covered in peanut butter and chocolate milk, he tells Susie Mom will be disappointed her little plot failed. Susie says she's never seen anything so revolting and asks what's wrong with him. She walks away, saying she's eating somewhere else. Calvin says girls are so weird.

Smiling at his desk, Calvin feels he knows math cold. He hopes the teacher calls on him. He hopes he gets to do a problem at the board. He'll impress everyone. Miss Wormwood hands Susie some papers and asks her to take one and pass the rest down. She asks what it is. Miss Wormwood says it's a math quiz. Enthused, Calvin says "Hot dog".

Susie warns Calvin not to try to copy her answers. Calvin replies that he'll probably get a better score than she will. Calvin bets her 25 cents. Calvin suggests she give him the quarter now to avoid the humiliation later. Susie suggests they raise the wager. Calvin offers to double the bet, to 35 cents.

Calvin wonders how time can be up. He hurriedly writes random numbers on the paper. He hopes for some to be right by sheer luck. Calvin hands in the paper. Susie reminds him they have a bet on who has the higher grade. Calvin says the bet's off, he doesn't gamble.

Susie got a perfect score on the quiz. Susie asks Calvin if he missed any. Calvin complains he would have gotten a perfect paper if he had a few more minutes. Calvin says it's biological. Girls mature faster than boys. He says she got a better grade because she's a girl. Susie tells Calvin to pay up. Calvin offers that maybe it's opposite day. Maybe all his X's mean those are correct. Maybe Susie's "A" is really an "F". Calvin says he wins the bet.

Calvin looks into his lunch sack and tells it to open wide. He tells it this might cause some discomfort, as he prepares to reach inside. Calvin struggles with the bag, telling it to stop thrashing, he almost has it. He pulls out an apple. He says it's a good thing the bag had this removed. Calvin notes the bad spots. Susie has her head down next to her lunch thinking lunch shouldn't have to be like this.

Susie tells Calvin not to sit by her at lunch. She doesn't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Calvin says he won't talk about lunch at all. He tells Susie a riddle. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger. Susie runs off, while Calvin says he can't think of a difference either.

The doctor asks what's wrong. The woman says her foot hurts. The doctor thinks that's a stupid problem. He suggests a lobotomy. The woman says no real doctor would say that. He asks who's wearing the stethoscope. He offers the reflex mallet for anesthesia. The woman says he doesn't know anything. The doctor offers a shot in the mouth. The woman says she knows more about medicine than him. She'll be the doctor now. She kicks him. Calvin says Susie is the doctor, but he's not going to be a patient of hers. Susie tells him good riddance. Calvin tells Hobbes the Surgeon General should issue a warning about playing with girls. Hobbes, with a smile, says he'd be Susie's patient.

Calvin complains to Mom that the sandwich she made him for lunch had the jelly soaking into the bread. That grosses him out. He tells Mom tomorrow he wants the jelly in a separate container with a knife so he can spread the jelly at the last moment before he eats the sandwich. He continues to complain Mom uses bread from the middle of the loaf. He likes those for toast. He wants end pieces for sandwiches, because they don't absorb as much jelly. He asks if she's got that. The next day, Calvin opens his lunch to see his sandwich is the same as before. Calvin complains that she did it again.

Calvin sees Susie. He wishes he had a snowball to smack her with. Hobbes says he bets Santa Claus heard that. Calvin remembers. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize. Calvin does. Hobbes suggests he better say he likes Susie. Calvin says that's going too far. Hobbes says he better say he'd like to give her muchas smooches. Calvin starts to fight with Hobbes. Susie asks what he's doing. She doesn't know what's weirder, that he's fighting a stuffed animal, or that he seems to be losing. Susie leaves. Hobbes says after today, Santa will take a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill Calvin's stocking.

Calvin tells Hobbes Susie is concentrating on her snowman. He wants to barrage her with slushballs. Hobbes reminds him that two minutes ago, they were on their way to tell Santa how good Calvin was. Calvin looks at the slushballs on the ground. He asks Hobbes how many presents he thought Calvin would forfeit for one clean smack upside Susie's head.

Hobbes says he won't be Calvin's lawyer if he can't walk a block without pasting someone with a slushball. Calvin says it's not "someone". It's Susie. Santa would understand. Susie hears Calvin behind the tree arguing with Hobbes. She hears him say he's going to hit her with a big, icy slushball. As Calvin continues to argue with Hobbes, Susie makes her own slushball. Calvin tells Hobbes to hold it. He asks if Hobbes heard a snicker. Susie is standing right behind him with a slushball.

Susie smacks Calvin with her slushball. Calvin is happy, because since she hit him first, it's justified. Hobbes tells him it's a chance to show Santa how good he is. Calvin, head covered in slush, says he doesn't want to be that good.

Susie comments on Calvin's snow fort. Calvin tells her the walls are two feet thick and they have fifty snowballs. Susie wonders who he's fighting. Calvin tells her there's a snow goon running loose. Susie asks what a snow goon is. Calvin explains it's like a snowman, but it's an evil, grotesque, demented monster. She asks if that's what all those ugly things in the yard are. Calvin asks what she means by "all those".

WHAP! Susie gets hit in the back of the head with a snowball. She angrily asks Calvin if he threw that. Calvin points to himself and asks "Who, me". Calvin lies face down in the snow, seeing stars. At home, he stands in front of a mirror practicing saying "Who, me" to sound more convincing next time.

Calvin is lying inside the mouth of a snow snake. Susie is walking by. Calvin tells her about the horrible inner teeth pulling him into the snake's frigid gullet. He tells Susie to run for her life. Susie walks away saying she, at least, has a life...unlike some weirdos she knows. Later, Calvin stands next to the snow snake saying that if he had two x chromosomes, he'd feel hostile, too.

Earth's excessive gravity is no match for Stupendous Man's strength. The masked man of might makes a gigantic snowball, flies high into the stratosphere, where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend, Annoying Girl. Susie is walking down the sidewalk.

Stupendous Man drops the snowball, taking advantage of earth's strong gravity. Susie lies on the sidewalk, covered with the snowball. Stupendous Man, sitting on a tree branch above, triumphs. He zooms back to resume his secret identity. Entering the bedroom, Hobbes asks Calvin if he saved the day. Calvin tells him justice reigns once more. From downstairs, one of Calvin's parents yells up that Susie's Mom just called. Calvin is going to be talked to.

Calvin says that he's devoting himself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. He tells Hobbes no man is an island. They all need love and the support of others. As of today, his goal is to be at one with his fellow man. As he says he's going to develop and foster deep connections, he tells Hobbes to wait a minute. He makes a snowball and hits Susie with it. She chases him. Later, Calvin is head-first in the snow. He tells Hobbes he's changed his mind. People are scum. Hobbes thinks true happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.

The duplicate asks Susie if he can carry her books. She asks if he's going to throw them into a puddle. The duplicate says he wouldn't do that. Susie says he'd probably do something worse. She says he's not going to touch her books. The duplicate informs her that strictly speaking, he's not Calvin. He's the physical manifestation of Calvin's good side. Susie says if that was true, he'd be a lot smaller. The duplicate says he's heard that joke a lot.

Calvin tells Hobbes not to tell him his duplicate is writing Susie mash notes. Hobbes calls Calvin a little charmer. Calvin runs off. As dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club, his reputation is at stake. He looks in his room, but the duplicate isn't there. He says he must be on his way to Susie's house. Hobbes says he's probably getting smooches right now. Standing at Susie's door, the duplicate Calvin has handed Susie the note. Susie considers it sarcasm. She tells him if he comes to her house again, she'll clobber him.

Calvin goes to Susie's house. She says "You again". Calvin asks if he was there before. She asks if he's crazy. He was there two minutes ago. Calvin asks if he's still there. She says he's standing right there. Angrily, Calvin says anyone can see that. He wants to know if he's anywhere else. She slams the door. Walking off, Calvin asks who can fathom the feminine mind.

Susie is playing, when Calvin comes over with a bucket. Calvin is wearing a mask. Calvin starts a poem. He tells Susie please do what she's told. There is a bucket, of water, ice cold. He says to please dump in on him, not to hesitate, do it A.S.A.P. Susie looks at him, while Calvin stands with eyes closed. Susie grins evilly. Calvin walks off with the bucket on his head, dripping water. Calvin shakes his fist at Hobbes. Calvin warns him to wait until he touches the "pernicious poem place". They're playing Calvinball.

At lunch, Calvin asks Susie if she wants to see a great idea in action. He drinks half the milk in his Thermos. He wads the rest of his lunch inside the Thermos. He puts in his jelly sandwich and his banana. He lets it soak for a minute, then he shakes it into sludge. He says the stomach doesn't know the difference, and it saves his teeth undue wear and tear. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says nobody likes his great ideas in action.

Calvin and Hobbes are fighting in the treehouse. Hobbes says his club dedicates itself to the destruction of Calvin's club. Calvin says it's a battle to the finish. They keep arguing with themselves while Susie walks up to the tree. She yells up to Calvin, asking who he's yelling at. Calvin tells Hobbes to be quiet, it's Susie.

Calvin tells Hobbes to pass the bag of rotten apples they've been saving. Susie is right below them. Hobbes asks about their war. Calvin tells Hobbes all charges are dropped. He's back in Calvin's club. Hobbes wants a promotion first. Hurriedly, Calvin tells him it's his. He tells Hobbes to give him the mushy apples. Susie asks what mushy apples. She asks again who he's talking to. Calvin tells her not to move.

Calvin throws apples at Susie while she runs off. Calvin declares their club a success. Hobbes thinks she's telling on them. Calvin says it was worth it. It was perfect. He tells Hobbes it's something they'll look back on with pride in their declining years.

Calvin rolls a big snowball. He's making a snowman. The snowman has its mouth open, with stick arms. Calvin lays inside the mouth of the snowman. Susie walks by. She says it's no surprise nobody's sold a house on this street for six years.

Susie sits in the snow. She comes upon a rope hanging from a tree. The rope has a note saying "pull". Susie looks up into the tree. She yells to Calvin that it was a nice try. Calvin, up in the tree with a pail of snowballs attached to the rope, says "darn".

Calvin tells Hobbes there's no pride in craftsmanship anymore. Calvin explains most kids just mush a bunch of snow together to make a snowball. There's no time for aesthetics. But when he makes a snowball, it's a work of art. He looks at the snow and says it's a bit too powdery. It won't sting properly. He prefers a wetter snow. Something that will knock the wind out of the recipient. How much loose rubble is acceptable before it affects aerodynamics? Calvin says no one thinks of these things. It's a lost tradition. His snowballs are unique masterpieces. Calvin winds up and yells to Susie. She whirls around and hits Calvin with four snowballs. Lying on the snow, Calvin says it's a crass culture. Hobbes says artists always suffer.

Susie is playing in her house, and the doorbell rings. She answers it, to find a snowman's head on her step. She goes over to Calvin's house and tells him he needs professional help. Calvin asks what makes her think he did it.

Calvin digs at the dirt with a stick. He fills a pail with water from the spigot. He pours the water onto the dirt. He stirs up the mud with the stick. He goes to Susie's house, and tells her to put some nice clothes on and they'll go for a stroll.

Miss Wormwood hands back papers. She tells Calvin he can stop signing his work "Calvin, boy of destiny". She thinks his time would be better spent studying than drawing "official notary seals" at the bottom. Susie asks about "boy of destiny". She says everyone she knows thinks Calvin's destiny is a private cage in the primate house. Calvin tells her that her destiny is to have a smile that is all gums.

Calvin asks Susie to do him a big favor. He asks her to go to his house, open the front door, and yell that she's home. Susie asks why. Calvin says it's just a dare. Susie doesn't want to. Calvin gives her a quarter to do it. Calvin stands at the bottom of the steps as Susie opens the door. He knows this is going to be great. Susie yells "I'm home". Calvin laughs that she won't know what hit her. Susie turns around and thanks Calvin for the quarter. Calvin angrily heads for the door, wondering where Hobbes' killer instinct is. KAPOW! Hobbes grabs Calvin and sails off the steps. Calvin, lying on the ground, says never trust a tiger. Hobbes happily runs off saying he can always tell when it's Calvin by the bad smell.

They continue fighting, while Calvin says he's never getting married. Here come Susie. Calvin says he has to discourage romance. Hobbes says smoldering passion is his fate. Susie says the dirt covering Calvin's features is a big improvement. Calvin whispers that it's true. He's a love magnet.

Calvin tells Susie to stay away. He says the stars and planets are doing this. His aura is uncontrollable. Susie wonders what he's talking about. Calvin races to the bus, saying he's safe. He's happy he's off to school. Susie walks to the bus, saying the way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.

Calvin sits at a box offering great ideas for one dollar. Susie comes up and says that's the dumbest thing she's seen. Calvin tells her to go soak her head. She walks off, and Calvin yells after her that she owes him a dollar.

Calvin asks Susie to stay where she is. He has a surprise. He wants her to close her eyes and cover her nose. He asks if her clothes are washable. Susie leaves. Calvin comes back with a mask on, carrying a pail. He says nobody's going to be her friend if she won't trust anyone.

Calvin is trying to determine whether there is a universal moral law. He says he'll throw his water balloon at Susie, unless he receives some sign in the next 30 seconds. He says the universe has the power to stop him, and he'll accept the sign. Nothing happens, so Calvin hits Susie with the balloon. She chases Calvin. Lying on the ground, beaten up, Calvin laments the universe gives the sign after you've done it.

Calvin cheerily runs up with a water balloon and hits Susie with it. Then, Calvin apologizes for what he's done and resolves to change his evil ways. Calvin is pounded into the ground. He says his penitent sinner schtick needs work.

Susie is playing as Calvin comes up, declaring himself Stupendous Man. He runs off. Susie says virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.

Spaceman Spiff flies over an uncharted planet and notices an alien. Spiff reflects that weirdness is nature's way of adapting life to its environment. He sees the monster. He wonders what circumstances of evolution made a creature so ugly. Calvin is staring at Susie. She tells him to get away from her. Spiff's field guide says the creature is a "gurl".

Calvin has a paper fortune teller. He tells Susie to pick a number. He moves the paper device. Then she picks a letter. Calvin opens the flap to reveal Susie is a mouth-breathing bag of boogers. Calvin laughs. Calvin, lying on the ground beaten up, says life doesn't get much better than this.

On the school swing, Calvin hears the bell ring. He keeps swinging. Susie walks by telling him it's time to go in. Calvin says it takes more than one recess to wear himself into a state of submission.

Calvin asks if Susie wants to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. He says after chewing almost $20 worth of gum, He has all the cards except two. He offers to trade Susie for those two. Susie tells Calvin she doesn't collect Captain Napalm cards. Calvin walks away saying it must be depressing to go through life with no purpose.

Calvin and Hobbes fight. Calvin says he'll never forgive Hobbes. Hobbes whispers something to Calvin. They shake hands. Calvin says it's funny. They're pals again. Susie gets a message cut from magazines saying she smells.

Susie is playing and turns at a sound. It's a pack of deinonychus dinosaurs. Susie runs toward the school doors, but the pack closes in. The predators have a meal. Other students look on in horror, wondering who's next. The weak and stupid are weeded out in a natural selection. That's how it ought to be. Miss Wormwood thanks Calvin for a tasteless and uninformative report on overpopulation.

Calvin asks if he can copy Susie's answers. She says no. She tells him he'd get a good grade without doing any work. Calvin wonders what's wrong with that. Susie tells him it's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned. Calvin's never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that.

Calvin asks Susie if she hates being a girl. Susie says it's better than the alternative. Calvin asks if it's like being a bug. Calvin thinks bugs and girls have a perception that nature played a trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to comprehend it. Lying upside down against his locker, Calvin thinks he must have put his finger on it.

Calvin wishes Santa would publish his guidelines for goodness. Calvin says if a nerd likes being good, it's easy for him to meet the standards. He says the true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an inclination toward evil. He thinks one good act by him is worth five good acts by a good-natured kid and asks if Hobbes agrees. He hits Susie with a snowball. As Calvin and Hobbes run off, Hobbes says in Calvin's case, the question is academic.

Calvin throws the snowball and hits Susie. Calvin thinks of Santa and says he's sorry to Susie. She chases him. Lying buried in snow, Calvin says if you suffer for your sins, they don't count. Hobbes thinks that's his only hope.

Calvin asks Susie what's wrong with her snowman. It has breasts. Susie tells him it's a snow woman. Later, with Calvin standing next to a snowman with its back to Mom, she tells Calvin they're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard.

A hadrosaur grazes in the jungle. A tyrannosaur comes out attacking it. Calvin hits Susie with a snowball. She gets up. The hadrosaur chases the tyrannosaur. Calvin closes his front door, marches upstairs, and throws away his book on dinosaurs.

A man and woman are talking. She says the dinner is delicious. He says it's dog food, and don't call him honey. She says she's president of the United States. He says she's president of Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous. She says he's mad because he's "first husband" and has to vacuum the White House all day. He says he's not her husband, he's Wonga-taa, kind of the jungle. He takes off his clothes to reveal jungle shorts. She says he's gross and tells him "nice underpants". He says he's off to the jungle to live with his tiger friend. She says good riddance. Walking home in his underwear, Calvin tells Hobbes playing with Susie is a waste of time. She can imagine such junk. Hobbes tells him "nice underpants". Mom is on the phone. She's asking what the caller means about Calvin leaving his clothes with Susie.

Calvin complains to Susie about the sandwich Mom made for him. He says it's squid. He tells Susie to smell it. He says it's rubbery and the inky brine soaked the bread. He asks Susie if she wants to trade. Susie leaves. Calvin says nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich.

Hobbes asks if Susie is Calvin's valentine this year. Calvin says no. Hobbes bets Calvin's heart beats faster at the sound of her name. He says Calvin longs to look into Susie's eyes. Hobbes says Calvin's cheeks are flushed. He says Calvin quivers to imagine Susie and him locked for eternity in a passionate embrace. Calvin gets angry and fights with Hobbes. Hobbes asks where the honeymoon is, if he can be "best tiger", and if Calvin has picked out a ring yet. Susie comes up to them and hits Calvin with a snowball for sending her a valentine with a picture of her as a worm-eaten corpse. Hobbes asks if Calvin sent her a card. He pages Doctor Love, Doctor I.M.N. Love.

Susie sees a sign saying there is an important message with an arrow. She runs over to see another sign, saying the next sign has the important message. She gets to the sign which reads "Look out". Above the sign, in the tree, Calvin drops a big snowball. He says it's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Susie asks Calvin what's in the bag. He won't tell. He says it might come in handy today. He reminds Susie they have a history test. Susie asks if it's a bomb. Calvin asks if she and the principal wouldn't like to know.

Susie asks what's in the bag. Calvin says it's a severed head. She asks why that would come in handy for the test. Calvin explains the head is an oracle. It will tell him the answers. Susie walks off as Calvin moans "Susie is a booger brain". Calvin says it speaks the truth.

Miss Wormwood notices Calvin hasn't come back from the water fountain. Susie tells her Calvin might be at his locker, since he brought something to help with the test. Miss Wormwood walks down the hall, thinking "Five years until retirement". Inside the locker, Stupendous Man sees his nemesis, the Crab Teacher, coming for him.

Stupendous Man escapes from Miss Wormwood. He enters the classroom to do Calvin's test. Susie tells a classmate that she doesn't hardly even know Calvin.

Susie sits at her desk while she hears Calvin say they have the wrong guy. Calvin claims they want Stupendous Man. Calvin, still fighting with Miss Wormwood, asks the class to tell her it wasn't him. Susie thinks that when her Mom asks how the day at school was, she'll just say "fine" and change the subject.

Calvin has a lemonade stand, charging $15 a glass. Susie asks how he justifies that. Calvin says supply and demand. Susie doesn't see any demand. Calvin explains that as stockholder in the enterprise, he demands monstrous profit. As CEO of the company, he demands an exorbitant salary. As an employee, he demands a high wage and lots of benefits. Susie complains it looks like he threw a lemon in some sludge water. Calvin had to cut expenses somewhere to stay competitive. Susie asks what happens if she got sick from it. Calvin says he stands behind the motto "caveat emptor". Susie walks away. Calvin complains anti-business types like her who ruin the economy. Later, Calvin tells Mom he needs to be subsidized.

Calvin tells Susie there is no way he'd consider asking her to the senior prom. Susie says that's eleven years away. Calvin figures that will give her enough time to find somebody who will. Lying upside down against his locker, Calvin says if he'd known her longer, he'd have given her more notice.

Calvin tells Susie that curiosity is the essence of the scientific mind. He asks Susie if she knows how milk comes out your nose when you laugh while drinking. He puts straws into his nostrils and says he's going to see what happens when he inhales milk into his nose, then laughs. Susie says idiocy is the essence of the male mind.

Calvin tells Susie that he's going to win the safety poster contest. He shows Susie the poster. She thinks it's disgusting. She asks what is on his poster. He tells her it's chunky spaghetti sauce.

Calvin imagines various news articles on his winning the poster contest. Susie walks up to Calvin and shows that her poster won. Calvin is shocked.

Calvin asks Susie if she dares him to eat a worm. Susie thinks eating five would be disgusting, but she doesn't know about just one. Calvin is shocked she wants him to eat five. He goes to dig more worms. He wonders who'd have thought disgust would be so inflationary.

Calvin has five worms and tells Susie she'll have to pay 50 cents to see him eat them. Susie says she'll pay a penny a worm. Calvin asks what happens if he goes to the hospital because of eating the worms. Susie offers another nickel if he goes to the hospital. Calvin wants to see the two nickels first.

Calvin asks for the nickel to eat the worms. Susie says she'll pay after he eats the worms. He asks for two cents up front. Susie won't pay until he does the work. Calvin thinks the guy eating the worms would call the shots. Susie offers that if you're calling any shots, you're not eating worms.

Calvin starts to eat the worms. He pauses, explaining how slimy and dirty the worms are. He peeks at Susie while saying how much closer he's getting to eating the worms. He tells Susie she can run away screaming at any time. Susie won't with her nickel on the line.

Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells her he's eating worms for a nickel. Mom says he isn't, and she takes him home. Mom tells Susie it's mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. Calvin is relieved. He thanks Mom. Mom says if she hasn't seen him in two minutes, there's trouble.

Calvin sits behind a box reading "Candid Opinions". Susie walks by, and Calvin calls her a bug-eyed, baloney-brained, beetle-butt. Lying on his smashed box, Calvin suggests volunteer social work isn't for him.

Looking at the sky, Susie asks Calvin what that cloud looks like. Calvin replies a bunch of suspended water and ice particles. Susie walks away. Calvin says everybody hates a literalist.

Calvin tosses a ball into the air, and he hits it with the bat. He looks startled. He pushes Susie to his door, telling her to ring the bell , hold the bat, and yell "Ha, Ha". Susie has the bat in her hand. She asks him why it is worth ten cents to him.

Calvin sees Susie still playing. He and Hobbes will walk past Susie and drop the top secret, coded letter for Hobbes. They walk past, drop the note, and Calvin says if it falls into a girl's hands, their plans will be ruined. Behind a tree, Calvin says everything is working perfectly. Hobbes says except she isn't picking up the letter.

Calvin wonders why Susie doesn't pick up the letter. Calvin is frustrated. Hobbes wonders if she wasn't paying attention to them. Calvin thinks it's inconceivable anyone wouldn't be interested in everything they do.

Hobbes sees Susie picking up the letter. She walks over, and returns the letter to Calvin. Hobbes says that was awfully decent of her. Calvin bangs his hands on the tree, saying everybody gets good enemies except him.

Calvin and Hobbes walk by Susie again. They mention the top secret note again. Calvin mentions Susie finding the letter and spoiling their plans again. Behind the tree, Hobbes sees Susie opening the letter. Calvin was worried he'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her.

Susie reads the coded note. She's suspicious. She yells that she better hurry over to spoil their plans. Calvin says she fell for it, so off they go.

Calvin and Hobbes hop out of bed. They read the paper, run outside to play, dig for dinosaurs, look under rocks for bugs, play Calvinball, fight, hit Susie with a water balloon, run from a snake, look at the moon, and catch fireflies. Mom drags Calvin inside to bed. Calvin says summer days are supposed to be longer, but they seem shorter to him. Hobbes says they didn't get to do half their itinerary.

Calvin says you can't trust a girl to do anything right. When he finds her, he'll get Hobbes and they'll hit her with the water balloons. As he approaches the corner of the house, he says if Susie won't come to the ambush, they'll bring it to her. Around the corner stands Susie, with the water hose in her hand. She starts a countdown.

Sitting at a box labeled "Life" and costing five cents, Susie gives Calvin the nickel and asks what she gets. Calvin says nothing. He just ripped her off. Susie is outraged. Calvin says "that's life". Off to the side of the crushed box, Susie pounds Calvin.

During a test, Calvin whispers to Susie for the answer to a question. Susie gives him the answer "Eli Whitney and the Cotton Gin". Calvin reminds her it's a math problem. She says it's a trick question. When Calvin asks why she wrote something different, Susie tells him she's going to get the question wrong so it doesn't look like Calvin copied. Calvin thanks Susie. She tells him she owes it to him.

Susie tells Calvin she loves her school books. She likes to read ahead to see what comes next. She says having a book is like having a good friend with you. Calvin says if you flip the pages of his book, an animated T-rex drives the Batmobile and explodes. Susie says sometimes books are the only friends worth having.

Susie gets a smiley face sticker on her quiz. Calvin is not impressed. Susie asks what Calvin got, but Calvin won't tell. Susie accuses Calvin of receiving a frowny face. Calvin denies it. Later, Calvin sits and thinks that he didn't even know they made barfing face stickers.

Calvin has a football and runs up to a door and rings it. He rings it several times while waiting in a panic. He yells for the door to be opened. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Finally, Susie opens the door to see Calvin lying on the steps with Hobbes on top of him. Susie says her mom said to tell Calvin their doorbell isn't a toy. She tells him to go away. Hobbes has the football and tells Calvin it's now illegal to hide in other people's houses. Calvin says girls just don't understand sports.

Calvin asks Susie to sign a document. It annuls their knowledge of each other's existence and prohibits future social interaction. It states Calvin will never ask her out on a date and imposes penalties for attempts to engage in conversation. Calvin gets the form back and says it's almost insulting how fast she signed it.

Calvin sees Mom packed a piece of pie in his lunch. He refuses to eat it. Susie asks if he doesn't like pie. He tells her he doesn't like that kind. When she asks what kind it is, Calvin tells her cow pie. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood. Calvin pinches his nose and asks if she wants it. It's fresh.

A snowball barely misses Susie. She yells that Santa's going to skip Calvin's house for that. More snowballs fly toward Susie, but none hit her. Calvin tells Hobbes that this doesn't count against him, since she's so sanctimonious and he keeps missing.

Calvin throws a snowball and hits Susie. As she marches over to him, he says the stinging snow makes her cheeks look radiant. As he lies in the snow, Calvin says some people can't take a compliment.

Susie sees a snowball pass overhead. Several others come, some hitting her. She walks over to Calvin, who is standing next to a wheelbarrow. He tells her all she has is circumstantial evidence. As he lies in the snow, he says you can't get a fair trial in this town.

Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Susie he couldn't stand being a girl. He says when guys grow up, they play with cars, stereos, you name it. Girls don't get toys when they grow up. They just buy clothes and shoes. He says that's sad. Susie guesses girls actually mature as they grow older.

Calvin plans to hit Susie with a slushball. Hobbes says some philosophers say true happiness comes from a life of virtue. Calvin thinks about it, and he drops the slushball. Calvin puts his toys away in his room. He does his homework and hands Mom a homemade card. Calvin shovels the sidewalk. He helps set the dinner plates and take out the garbage. He stops. He gets angry, runs outside, and hits Susie with a slushball. He tells Hobbes someday he'll write his own philosophy book. Hobbes thinks virtue needs some cheaper thrills.

Calvin gets a valentine card in the mail. Hobbes tells him to read it. Calvin reads a love poem from Susie. Hobbes torments Calvin, saying there are muchas smooches for El Conkisstador. Calvin thinks this is a nightmare, while Hobbes shouts that Susie and Calvin love each other. Calvin wonders what to do. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Calvin gets a slushball and pelts Susie with it. He says that's what he thinks about her valentine card. Susie didn't send him a card. Susie runs off. Calvin wonders who did send it. Hobbes is singing "Matchmaker". Calvin realizes Hobbes tricked him. He chases Hobbes. Hobbes says love makes the world go round. Calvin threatens that Hobbes will see stars go round.

Calvin sits at his desk, wishing he had done his homework. He asks why he did this to himself. He had an extra day, and he still goofed off. He says he learned his lesson. Miss Wormwood comes into the room. The bell rings. Class is over. Miss Wormwood says she'll collect their homework tomorrow. Calvin asks Susie if he's sitting in a beam of light. She says it looks more like a puddle of sweat.

Standing at the bus stop, Calvin tells Susie he's one of the greatest people who ever lived. He goes on to say he's great in so many ways. Susie yells that he's not great. She says he's the most conceited blowhard she's ever met. Calvin says when you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.

Calvin asks Susie what 7 + 6 is. Susie tells him three hundred billion gazillion. Sarcastically, Calvin thanks her for the big help. Susie tells him that is a three, followed by 85 zeroes. Calvin writes it down, saying he knew that.

Calvin makes a snowman bowing down to him. Calvin tells him that as he created the snowman, he can destroy it. He says in recognition of his power, the snowman must worship him. He tells the snowman to bow before mighty Calvin. He is the eternal, all knowing.... Susie smacks him from behind with a snowball.

Susie is just missed by a snowball. Calvin says he didn't do it. She can't prove he did it. Then he says that besides, he missed. Lying in the snow, Calvin says the defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds his lawyer is incompetent.

Calvin makes a snowball and runs off. He hides behind a tree, waiting. He keeps waiting, and waiting. Finally, he throws the snowball at the tree and walks off. SMACK! Susie hits him with a snowball and laughs at him. That night, Calvin screams angrily at the sky.

Hopping off the school bus, Calvin says he's free. Susie follows Calvin. He notices her behind him and says this walk goes to his house. Susie replies that she knows. Calvin runs, and Susie follows him.

Calvin tells Susie her house is the other way. She isn't going to her house. Calvin tells her she can't come to his house. Susie says she has to stay with him until her mom gets home. She says their moms agreed to it. Susie isn't happy about it any more than Calvin is. Calvin informs Susie that she can sit in the yard, but she can't come into the house. Susie contends Calvin's mom didn't say that.

Calvin and Susie are fighting about her waiting in Calvin's house. Susie yells that Calvin won't let him in. Suddenly, Calvin pushes her next to the door. He just remembered a big orange surprise waiting for her. Susie starts to open the door. Calvin runs back away from her.

Susie asks if this is his big orange surprise. Calvin asks if Hobbes didn't pounce on her. Susie hands Hobbes to Calvin, saying he was by the door. Hobbes is wearing a tie. Mom tells Susie to come in. Susie asks if her mom called to say she could come home already. Calvin chastises Hobbes for dressing up for a girl.

Mom offers Susie a snack. Calvin asks Hobbes what he has to say for himself. Hobbes says that when entertaining female friends, one shouldn't look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Calvin wonders who's entertaining and who looks seedy. Hobbes thinks a spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes. Calvin asks why Hobbes didn't kill her when she came through the door. Hobbes tells Calvin that if he had made proper introductions, he might have smooched her hand. Calvin reaches toward Hobbes offering to adjust the narrow end of his tie about eight inches.

Calvin walks past Susie all scratched. Susie asks what happened. Calvin says he and Hobbes had a frank exchange of ideas. Calvin asks what she's doing. Susie tells him she wasn't sure she understood a chapter of her school work, so she reviewed her notes from the last chapter and is rereading the book. Calvin asks if she does all that work. Calvin walks away saying he used to think she was smart.

Susie hears Calvin's voice in the closet saying he can't get out. She opens the door and goes in, only to find a tape recorder playing Calvin's message. Calvin and Hobbes slam the closet door shut.

Mom asks if Calvin is slamming doors. He says he didn't hear anything. Inside the closet, Susie is yelling for Calvin to open the door. She calls him a rotten bag of barf. Mom comes in and asks where Susie is. Calvin tells her she may have gone outside. Susie yells to be let out. Calvin acts shocked that Susie is in the closet. Susie tells Mom that Calvin tricked her into the closet and held the door.

Mom tells Susie that her mom is home and she will come pick Susie up. Susie is relieved. Mom angrily says she'll talk to Calvin in a few minutes. Calvin tells Susie not to lock herself in any more closets. Calvin and Hobbes run upstairs. Calvin says some promotions and medals are in order. Hobbes asks if they should get them before they get in trouble or after.

On the way to the school bus, Calvin sees an alien appear in a spaceship. He introduces himself to the alien. The alien makes himself look just like Calvin and speaks in phonetic English. Calvin tells the alien to take his lunchbox and to have a good day at school. Susie says hello to the alien Calvin. He repeats what Calvin said about having a good day at school. Later, Mom opens the door for Dad saying that Calvin's principal said to say hello. Dad knows that means there was trouble. Calvin, still speaking in phonetic English, says Calvin stole his spaceship.

Calvin puts on his lucky rocketship underpants, admires himself in the mirror, and marches off, ready to face the school day. He sits in gum. He's caught peeking at a classmate's paper. Moe knocks him into the lockers. The water fountain sprays his face. His show and tell goes badly. No one wants him on their team at recess. He doesn't know what the lunch is. He can't get on the swing. Everyone in class knows the answer except him. He stares out the window at the sunny day. He misses the bus home. Calvin walks home in the rain. In bed, he looks out the window and says that some days even lucky rocketship underpants don't help. Hobbes says he's done all he could do.

Susie tells Calvin that Miss Wormwood isn't at school today. Calvin wonders if they can go home. Susie tells him they have a substitute teacher. Calvin asks if he can send a substitute student.

Calvin asks who their substitute teacher is. When Susie tells him, Calvin says he heard that teacher killed a kid last year. He tells Susie the teacher took a kid out to the hall, then there were strange lumps in the cafeteria meatloaf that afternoon. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says to wait till she sees what's on today's lunch menu.

Susie gets her raincoat and hat on. She gets her umbrella, opens it, and walks along. Behind a tree with several water balloons, Calvin yells to Susie. He asks her if she thinks she's so darn smart.

Susie is walking along. She stops, turns, and runs off. Calvin looks like he has a big belly. He says it's hard to conceal a water balloon.

Calvin has a water balloon tied on a string to a tree branch. He says if he misses his target, the water balloon is reusable. Susie walks by. The balloon misses her. As it swings back, she catches it. She then throws it at Calvin. He takes off running, saying that was a bad idea.

Calvin has a sock on his hand. He goes up to Susie and says it's Stinky, the talking sock. Stinky says Susie is an ugly bucket of boogers. Calvin, beaten up and lying on the ground, says that darn "throw your voice" ad made it sound like everyone would be fooled.

Susie waits for the school bus and hears a noise. Calvin is being dragged by Mom. He has his blanket, which is dragging the lamp, phone, cereal, and school books along with it. Mom angrily stands next to Calvin, who's also standing angrily. Susie glances at them. The bus comes. Mom smiles, while Calvin is horrified and starts running. Mom catches him and stuff him onto the bus. As the bus drives off, Susie asks Calvin if he knows that nobody on their street sets an alarm clock in the morning. Calvin tells her to shut up.

Calvin asks Susie if they're having a fire drill today. She says they are. She asks if he knows what to do. Calvin tells her he does, then asks when they pass out the gasoline.

Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet. To survive, he must find food. Spiff follows a scavenger Mordon. There may be a fresh kill nearby. Due to the stench, our hero becomes a vegetarian on the spot. The grasses can't be eaten. The fruit is poisonous. Weak and despairing, Spiff looks into a frozen geyser pit. Ice cream sandwiches! Our hero is saved! Susie tells him that isn't very healthy. Calvin mumbles he only needs to survive until he can escape.

Susie asks if Calvin has started his leaf collection. Calvin says he's been visualizing the conception process. Susie is almost done. She says it's almost like a treasure hunt. Calvin yells to her that it's a stupid, boring, forced assignment. It isn't fun. Susie says that when life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. Calvin says when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own.

Calvin asks how Susie could almost be done if the collections aren't due for a week. Susie makes it a game. She sees how many leaves she can find each day. Then it's not an assignment, it's fun. Calvin asks if she knows that's one of the ten warning signs of hopeless dweebism. Angrily, Susie walks off. She says she bets another sign is moving to the next grade each year.

Susie asks Calvin if he was up late doing the leaf collection. Calvin tells her his leaves are from another planet. Susie looks at them and says he took fifty maple leaves and cut them into weird shapes. Calvin informs Susie that aliens now own the earth and he told them girls make good zoo exhibits.

There is a map, drawn to show a sled ride down Mt. Vertigo, through the woods, going to the pine tree. The map shows picking up hidden snowballs and blasting Susie. It shows a getaway, and ending with a jump into an impenetrable fortress. Calvin looks around wishing it would snow. Hobbes says while they wait, he'll draw more spirals above Susie's head.

Calvin is grossed out by the school lunch of manicotti. He dumps it down the front of his shirt. Susie comes over to sit by him, and Calvin lifts his shirt. He makes a face and says his intestines just burst through his stomach wall. Susie is horrified. Calvin smiles and says he should get more to see if he can get out of math class.

Calvin runs out of the house, late for the school bus. He makes it, but realizes he left his lunch. Mom sees the lunch and runs to give it to Calvin. They miss each other. Mom is at the bus stop, and Calvin is inside looking for lunch. Mom and Calvin finally hook up, only to see the school bus taking off. They yell at each other. Mom angrily takes Calvin to school. Mom goes into the house. Calvin realizes something. Mom sees the books Calvin left in the house when he had gone in looking for his lunch.

Susie sees Calvin and tells him not to throw a snowball. She's mailing a letter to Santa. Calvin asks if the letter is sealed. It is, but Susie says she could add a P.S. on the back. Calvin asks if she has a pen. She says she does. Calvin is sure she's bluffing, but he isn't going to tempt fate at that time of year. He drops the snowball.

Calvin is hit by a snowball. He asks Hobbes if he threw the snowball. Hobbes doesn't know what he's talking about. Calvin accuses him of being sneaky, grim, and ruthless. He says that spells "tiger". Hobbes says it spells "Calvin's new name is Mr. Stupid Soggyshorts". They start fighting. Susie comes over and tells Calvin he should have seen his expression when she hit him with the snowball. She laughs and walks away. Calvin thinks. He looks at Hobbes, who then pelts Calvin with snowballs for having accused him.

Calvin calls Susie's snowman the worst one ever. She tells him to go build a better one. He says maybe he will and walks away. He comes back and says his words speak louder than his actions.